Little and Large QI


Little and Large

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Good evening, good evening, good evening, good evening,

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good evening, good evening, good evening and welcome to QI.

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Tonight, we look through both telescope and microscope

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at the Quite Interesting world of Little and Large.

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Joining us tonight are the gigantic Phill Jupitus...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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..the massive Richard Osman...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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..the titanic Lucy Porter...

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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..and, oh my gosh, he's so teeny-weeny,

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I could squish him, Alan Davies.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.

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Now, let's go large on your little buzzers.

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Phill goes...

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MUSIC: Big Spender by Shirley Bassey

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# Hey big spender

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# Spend

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# A little time with me. #

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Big Spender. Richard goes...

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MUSIC: Big Bad John by Jimmy Dean

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# Big John, big John

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# Big bad John... #

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Lucy goes...

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MUSIC: Big Girls Don't Cry by Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons

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# Big girls don't cry

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# Big girls don't cry #

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And Alan goes...

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MUSIC: Itsy Bitsy Teeny Weeny Yellow Polka Dot Bikini by Brian Hyland

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Lovely.

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So, what's the largest native land animal, hmm,

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that you'll find all year round on Antarctica?

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I don't think there are any land animals on Antarctica.

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Humans? Human beings?

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-Oooh!

-KLAXON

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I did say...

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The line between clever and stupid is so... It's so thin, isn't it?

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I did say "native". Obviously there are humans.

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-Oh, I beg your pardon.

-Yeah, there are natives.

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-Is it a penguin, a big penguin?

-Oh!

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KLAXON

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I mean... Right, OK.

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So it's not that, because I made the evil siren go off.

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Would it be whales?

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A whale isn't a land animal.

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-A seal?

-If the water melts really quickly, it is.

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I will give you a clue. You've already said penguin...

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It's a flightless animal, but it's not a big mammal.

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Given that it is big and little and large, is it very wee?

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It is actually very small. Although it's the largest.

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-Is it a mosquito or something like that?

-It's an insect.

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You're in the right direction. It's like a mosquito.

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Mosquitoes are like... If you go to Scotland, what do you get?

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-A ladybird.

-Midge.

-Midge.

-Midge, midge. It's a midge.

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It's a...bug?

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A midge?

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Belgica Antarctica. The Belgian, as you might say, midge.

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There it is - it's wingless, flightless, it's a midge

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and the point is, it's native to Antarctica.

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There are all kinds of animals, like humans, like penguins,

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that spend a bit of their time in Antarctica.

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Penguins only 25% of their time,

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75% of their time, they're at sea.

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They're not a land animal.

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"Arr, but we're married to the sea."

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-"Penguins, we love the life."

-They do.

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"Away from our nagging wives

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"with their beaks and their wings,

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"sitting on eggs. Arr."

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There they are. Ah, bless.

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What is it about them that is so endearing?

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They're delicious.

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Mmm, that's good eating.

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Talking of humans not being native to Antarctica,

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there's a story the other day about the American scientist

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who's there and he decided to turn Tinder on -

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-you know Tinder, the dating app?

-Oh, yes?

-Oh.

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And he got a date with a woman in a tent 45 minutes away,

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-who was also a researcher.

-You're kidding me!

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-That's hilarious!

-That would be great if she came up and he went,

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"Nah, swipe right, nah."

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Grindr, however - all penguins.

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Yes.

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But if they were to mate, say have a child,

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raised that child there, suddenly...

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That child would be endemic or native to Antarctica.

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Yeah, and by the time this goes out on Dave, everyone will be like, "What about the..."

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-Yeah, you're right.

-Yeah, what about the Tinder baby?

-The midge.

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Tinder baby, you're right. I'll have to pull in...

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They've got wifi, that's the best thing about that.

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-Yeah, wifi on Antarctica.

-That's good going.

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-Yeah, it is impressive.

-I bet the penguins are all hooked up.

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"They're all the same."

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Their version of Tinder is called Pick Up A Penguin.

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Very good. So, now...

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Identify the world's biggest gasbag.

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Oh, Lord, John McCririck.

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John McCririck is a very good answer.

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An actual bag of actual gas?

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That would probably be the best way to go.

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Without hinting too much.

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I presume something like the Hindenburg, an airship.

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An enormous airship, perhaps.

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Well...kind of like an airship, yes, though in fact even bigger.

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This is the biggest such device ever constructed by man.

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Is it the one that Bruce Dickinson from Iron Maiden is involved with?

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How extraordinary you are.

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No.

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But I am very impressed that you should know of that.

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He is. Yeah, I met him about five years ago, he said he was doing...

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He invested a huge amount of money and it's about 200ft, or 300ft long or something,

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it's absolutely enormous. There's pictures of it, it looks like an arse, the way it's built.

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-That's it.

-Oh, there you go.

-It does. There it is, like an arse.

-It's in its hangar.

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But it's in a hangar that's so big it has its own climate.

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-Yes.

-It has clouds and all sorts of things.

-Yeah.

-Why, oh why, oh why?

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Did he do it? Well, because, for commercial reasons, it's like to replace...

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-Oh, it goes 100mph.

-Yeah, it's like properly quite impressive.

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Have they sorted out the whole, you know, Hindenburg

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fiery death element?

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No, they decided not to worry about it.

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It can carry 50 tonnes,

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it can stay in the air for three and a half weeks.

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But the difference between that and the Hindenburg is?

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Do you know what the...?

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-It's not full of hydrogen, I take it.

-It's the gas.

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Well that's it, the Hindenburg and the earlier airships were

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full of hydrogen, which is incrense...

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-Incrensely... Incrensely flammable.

-Yeah.

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Anyway, not just incredibly or intensely,

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-but incrensely. Yeah.

-Well, that's... Which is why it blew up.

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That's why it blew up, because it was incrensely flammable.

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What have I told you about reading Jabberwocky

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before you present shows?

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It makes it intedibly dangerous.

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So, yes, that was a really good interruption, as it were.

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Is this a naturally occurring gas-bag?

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No, it isn't.

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It is the biggest ever bag of gas created by human kind.

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Does it have a purpose...

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So it has a purpose other than storing the gas?

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It had a purpose, in as much as it broke three records,

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which are better remembered than this record.

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What are the three records you might think of,

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in terms of a balloon?

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-Height, distance...

-Yes, height, distance...

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And number of deaths.

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There were no deaths.

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There were no deaths in this case.

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Is it loudest pop?

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Not...

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Most excited child?

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Who...who jumped out of a really high balloon?

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-Oh, the...

-Felix Baumgartner.

-Yeah.

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-GERMAN ACCENT:

-Felix Baumgartner is the right answer. This is the... Ja.

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So, Felix Baumgartner - there he is.

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-He fell from a greater height than anyone has ever fallen.

-Right.

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He achieved a greater speed than anyone has fallen,

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which made him the first man ever to what?

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Break the sound barrier.

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Break the sound barrier, unaided.

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And it was the highest balloon ascent ever.

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Those are three records, the highest balloon ascent, biggest freefall...

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-Do you know what else it was, Stephen?

-What's that?

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It was incrensely dangerous.

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Incrensely... it was incrensely dangerous!

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But it was the largest balloon ever constructed.

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And let's have a look at how bigot it was.

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It was... Bigoted?

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It was bigoted than the Statue of Liberty.

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It was more bigoted than the Statue of Liberty?

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-What is the matter?!

-What is going on?!

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It is a famous bigot.

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Get... Just get rid of this one, get another one in.

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Give me your bored, your tired and tell them to piss off.

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What they'd call it in Carry On world is

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the "Statue of Diabolical Liberty".

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Anyway, it is gigantic,

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it's almost as tall as St Paul's Cathedral,

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but taller, as you can see, than the Statue of Liberty, by a few feet.

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But the comparison with the Hindenburg is interesting,

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which is one, do you know the Hindenburg? You mentioned, I think,

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-didn't you...

-Mmm-hmm.

-There's the Hindenburg.

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And the Hindenburg burst into flames catastrophically in New Jersey,

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at the Lakehurst Naval Air Station.

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There it is. I mean, just awful.

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It was so sophisticated inside, incredible.

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That is, that is sophisticated.

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Yeah. And they even had a cigarette lighter,

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although it was hydrogen, one of the most flammable gases there is.

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-All smoking!

-But it was chained.

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"Cigarette? Cigarette?" "Yes, please."

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I like to live dangerously...

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"What's that smell? Can anyone smell gas?"

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"Don't be absurd."

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The cigarette lighter was chained to one place,

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so you could go up and light your cigarette.

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But everyone wore special shoes that didn't create friction

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and static electricity to create a spark that would set it off,

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but something went wrong.

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In the movie, it's supposedly sabotage.

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So there you are.

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What use is a blue whale at a birthday party?

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Alan, I'll give you a chance here.

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We know how you love blue whales.

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It's not a blue actually, we should have offered you a blue,

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but in fact that is a hump. It's a humper.

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That's not real, that photo, is it?

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Oh, yes. Oh, yes, Alan's a diver.

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A blue whale at a birthday party?

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Well they take up a lot of room, you'd need a big hall.

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Yeah.

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It's good, I think you're getting there.

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Yeah. That's good encouragement, thanks, Richard.

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That's OK.

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Think it would be fun for the kids to get inside, couldn't they?

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-Play around.

-True.

-Bouncy castle?

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-Bouncy arsehole, did you say?

-No...

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..I didn't, but by all means.

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Oh, bouncy castle.

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-Bouncy castle.

-Oh, yeah, yeah, I see what you mean, yeah.

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"Yeah, I'd like to, I'd like to hire a bouncy arsehole, if I may."

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Oops.

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No. List things that you need for children's parties.

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-Well, my kids...

-Cake, I was thinking candles.

-Yeah.

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-Candles is one.

-My kids love ambergris, so...

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You're quite right, ambergris does come from a whale.

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It would be a natural for a blue whale. Right, cake...

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-Pass the parcel.

-Pass the parcel.

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-Balloons?

-Yes!

-Balloons!

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-Balloons.

-A big whale balloon. Whales filled with helium.

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Why would a blue whale be useful at a children's party?

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Because it can fill up, it's got the largest breath in the world.

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Yes. Because, in one breath,

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a blue whale could inflate

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1,250 balloons.

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-Wow.

-OK.

-That's a spoilt child.

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I agree.

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I take that point, but I'm fairly sure it's never happened.

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No, no. You're right.

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Yeah, and also, logistically, it would be almost impossible.

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I would like... Whales live to be very old as well, don't they?

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-Oh, yes.

-So I would like one at my birthday party

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to make me feel both young and slim.

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Yes. Whales aren't particularly slim though, Lucy.

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No, but I would, next to a whale...

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Oh, I see, next to a whale. Yeah, sorry, I'm so stupid.

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I'm not asking for much of a compliment, Stephen.

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No, no. I'm sorry!

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Just...you know?

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I do apologise.

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You're not going to be able to get next to the whale,

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because he's in the balloon shed, pumping away.

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-PHILL GRUNTS

-One.

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-PHILL GRUNTS

-Two.

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Just going, "Those dolphins have it easy, don't they?"

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I'm going to give you some bags now and ask you to blow these up.

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Now you may say, that's easy enough.

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Ah, time for the controversial

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auto-erotic asphyxiation round.

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Oh, don't, that's so rude.

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-There you are.

-Here we go.

-That's terrible.

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I'd just like a belt and a tangerine now.

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So you're blowing up.

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What you're doing is, you're trying to blow up...

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All right.

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Look how clever she is.

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How did you do that?

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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I'll show you here. It's called the Bernoulli effect.

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I can't even do that, Richard.

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OK, watch this.

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One blow.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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So there you are.

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Just one blow from a distance, like that, which you did.

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So you get the points there, Lucy, that's very impressive.

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So put them away nicely.

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Now, who said,

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"The most beautiful girl or woman in the world

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"would be a matter of indifference to me,

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"but tall soldiers - they are my weakness"?

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You did.

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KLAXON

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Oh, yes.

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Oh, yes.

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That was very pleasing.

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It was, wasn't it?

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Was it someone who had a tall soldier

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pointing a gun at them at the time?

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You'd think so.

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This person was obsessed with tall soldiers,

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tall people generally.

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Was it my PA, Kelly?

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She would be.

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She is literally... All she wants in the world, if you know anyone,

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is a ginger squaddie - that's all she wants.

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It's all she wants.

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-But a tall ginger squaddie?

-A tall ginger squaddie, or failing that,

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a ginger roofer. So if you know anybody...

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All right, you heard it here first.

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I do have a... I have an inkling about this,

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but I can't remember... It was a squadron...

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Potsdam?

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Ah, brilliant! Absolutely right.

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Yeah, there were the Potsdam Giants.

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Yeah, absolutely right.

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It was King Frederick Wilhelm I of Proist,

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or Prussia,

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who was the father of Frederick the Great.

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And he became King in 1713,

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as you all know.

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And he was obsessed with tall soldiers.

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-And he would kidnap them, he would recruit them...

-It's like your PA.

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He would get them from any country that wanted to be in with Prussia,

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which was just growing as a power.

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He himself was only 5 foot 5.

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-So he wasn't very tall.

-"Taller than me."

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But he just got them from all over the place.

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In fact one of his tallest was a seven foot Irishman,

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called James Kirkland,

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who was a hero of the Regiment of Potsdam Giants

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and he paid fathers for tall sons,

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he paid tall women to have sex with tall men

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so they could have tall sons.

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He was, and if he was...

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He sounds like my kind of guy, I've got to say.

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If he was unhappy, he'd get two or three hundred of his giants...

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Ho, ho, don't finish this sentence.

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No, no, no. Preceded by tall turbaned Moors,

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with cymbals and trumpets of the Grenadiers' mascot,

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an enormous bear, to march for him to cheer him up.

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And they'd do this through his bedroom if he was ill.

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-To march for him?

-With a bear as well?

-Through his bedroom? How big was his bedroom?

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It must have been, well enormous. He was an emperor.

0:14:580:15:00

He wants big men and a bear, marching to strict rhythm,

0:15:000:15:03

which you can find

0:15:030:15:04

in Old Compton Street, most Fridays.

0:15:040:15:06

-You're right. You're right.

-PHILL BEATBOXES

0:15:060:15:08

You'd think he'd want them to do tall stuff.

0:15:080:15:10

Like reach up to high shelves?

0:15:100:15:12

Yeah, stuff off shelves or something.

0:15:120:15:14

Yes, that's true. Plucking.

0:15:140:15:15

I mean what's the point of having them just walking up and down?

0:15:150:15:18

I don't know. He had his particular thing.

0:15:180:15:20

The reason I've heard of this is because

0:15:200:15:22

when I got together with my husband, someone made this reference,

0:15:220:15:25

because I'm 4 foot 11 and my husband is 6 foot 5.

0:15:250:15:28

-Which is like...

-Hmm, Justin.

0:15:280:15:29

It's like, yes, in the bedroom it's like a ventriloquism act

0:15:290:15:32

that's gone really seriously wrong.

0:15:320:15:34

-You know, a horrible image I know.

-That's gone so right!

0:15:340:15:38

Well, yes.

0:15:380:15:39

There's a... Well, Frederick would have loved it, obviously.

0:15:390:15:42

-Yeah.

-What does he make you do while he's drinking a pint of water?

0:15:420:15:45

I'll bet it's not the alphabet.

0:15:480:15:51

Oh!

0:15:510:15:52

Now.

0:15:540:15:55

So, and almost 100 years,

0:15:550:15:58

this regiment was part of the Prussian army.

0:15:580:16:00

Was that because they live longer?

0:16:000:16:01

No, I don't mean each individual member -

0:16:010:16:05

though they did live longer.

0:16:050:16:07

Do they get gradually shorter?

0:16:070:16:09

-It was a...

-"I used to be tall."

0:16:100:16:13

Yes. King Frederick William of Prussia liked a tall soldier.

0:16:140:16:18

But why was Sir Billy Butlin such a little devil?

0:16:180:16:22

-Hmm.

-Oh, holiday camps.

0:16:220:16:24

Butlins holiday camps. Minehead, Scarborough, Filey.

0:16:240:16:27

-Skegness.

-Skegness, yeah.

0:16:270:16:29

Were the chalets little?

0:16:290:16:31

No, but Billy Butlin himself...

0:16:310:16:32

Was he tiny?

0:16:320:16:33

He was. And if you think about the age he is,

0:16:330:16:36

you might be able to work this out.

0:16:360:16:38

Second World War?

0:16:380:16:39

-No.

-First World War?

0:16:390:16:41

The First World War, that's the generation he was.

0:16:410:16:43

And in the First World war,

0:16:430:16:44

they had something to make people fight, which was called?

0:16:440:16:48

Bromide.

0:16:480:16:49

No. It was a law.

0:16:490:16:52

-Conscription.

-Conscription, yes.

-Conscription.

0:16:520:16:54

But one of the things that could get you out of being conscripted

0:16:540:16:57

was that if you were?

0:16:570:16:58

-Tiny.

-If you were small.

0:16:580:17:00

Did he pretend to be bigger to...?

0:17:000:17:02

No, he, as it were,

0:17:020:17:05

fell under a particular desperation that the British Army...

0:17:050:17:09

Did they start a short army?

0:17:090:17:11

Yes, they literally did.

0:17:110:17:12

Lord Derby, the Earl of Derby said, now hang on, there are a whole

0:17:140:17:18

load of short people, as it were, getting under the wire.

0:17:180:17:21

And all these tall people are fighting and dying for us,

0:17:210:17:24

we want more people to die for us.

0:17:240:17:26

There simply aren't enough people dying.

0:17:260:17:28

And all these short people are living.

0:17:280:17:31

So we're going to have a short brigade.

0:17:310:17:33

And they were known as the "Bantams". The "Bantam Brigade".

0:17:330:17:37

I know, they were...

0:17:370:17:39

Presumably it would be quite good,

0:17:390:17:41

you could play on the opposition's...

0:17:410:17:42

-You know, the opposing army's sense of perspective?

-Yeah. Exactly.

0:17:420:17:45

In some way you're like...

0:17:450:17:47

"Those soldiers are really far away."

0:17:470:17:49

-Yeah, that's right.

-"We have ages. They won't get here for days."

0:17:490:17:52

"They are no danger to us... Argh!"

0:17:520:17:54

These were men under 5 foot 3

0:17:560:17:59

and Billy Butlin was one of them.

0:17:590:18:01

They became known as "The Devils", in fact, the "Devil's Dwarfs",

0:18:010:18:04

-because they were so...

-Oh, my God!

0:18:040:18:05

Their reputation for brawling and mischief.

0:18:050:18:08

They were very, very aggressive.

0:18:080:18:11

Here they are, being inspected by a splendid man with a moustache.

0:18:110:18:15

"Well done, well done."

0:18:150:18:17

German shin injuries up 75%.

0:18:170:18:19

"All our legs are being shot away from us, we do not know why."

0:18:230:18:27

Surely they should have just put them

0:18:270:18:29

on each others' shoulders in a long coat.

0:18:290:18:31

Oh, yeah.

0:18:310:18:32

The most famous of them was called Henry Threadgould,

0:18:320:18:35

who was only 4 foot 9.

0:18:350:18:36

And he was believed to be the shortest soldier ever

0:18:360:18:39

to have served in the British Army.

0:18:390:18:40

There he is, next to quite a tall Scottish soldier.

0:18:400:18:43

But that's a short chap,

0:18:430:18:44

but chirpy and cheerful and ready to lay down his life for our country.

0:18:440:18:48

I hope he doesn't shake hands with him.

0:18:480:18:50

Hey, now.

0:18:500:18:51

That's given my husband and I

0:18:510:18:52

a whole new avenue for bedroom role-play.

0:18:520:18:55

-You be Henry and I'll be a Scots Guard.

-Yeah!

0:18:570:19:00

Well, there you are.

0:19:020:19:04

So next time you go on a Butlins holiday, you can say,

0:19:040:19:06

well, thank you, Billy, for putting your life at risk,

0:19:060:19:09

despite the fact that you weren't as tall as most soldiers.

0:19:090:19:11

And he survived.

0:19:110:19:13

He survived in order to create these holiday camps. Yeah.

0:19:130:19:15

-With tiny beds.

-With...

0:19:150:19:17

Now, what did the chap on the left here have

0:19:180:19:21

that was twice as big as the chap on the right?

0:19:210:19:24

Is it to do with their beards?

0:19:250:19:27

No, they're both very, very, very famous, they're both 19th century.

0:19:270:19:30

Are they philosophers?

0:19:300:19:31

One of them won a Nobel prize, the other didn't.

0:19:310:19:34

Oh, is it Nobel Prize cabinet?

0:19:340:19:35

APPLAUSE

0:19:390:19:41

You are faster than the speed of light tonight.

0:19:430:19:46

No, it's not that, but it could easily be.

0:19:460:19:49

You definitely deserve points for that.

0:19:490:19:51

The one on the right was hugely fashionable for a time,

0:19:510:19:54

and his name is Anatole France.

0:19:540:19:56

And he won the Nobel Prize for Literature.

0:19:560:19:59

The one on the left was a great literary figure,

0:19:590:20:01

still much more highly regarded as a literary figure

0:20:010:20:03

than the one on the right.

0:20:030:20:05

Is it Twitter following?

0:20:050:20:07

Neither of them, to their eternal shame, has a Twitter following.

0:20:070:20:10

How do you win a Nobel Prize for Literature if you don't Twitter?

0:20:100:20:13

It seems inconceivable, doesn't it? I know. I know.

0:20:130:20:15

The one on the left... His initials though, are to do,

0:20:150:20:18

slightly to do with Twitter, his initials are IT.

0:20:180:20:21

Is he Russian?

0:20:210:20:22

Yes. So if it's "I", it's got to be?

0:20:220:20:24

-Igor.

-Ivan.

0:20:240:20:26

"Ivan" is the right answer.

0:20:260:20:27

Month In The Country?

0:20:290:20:31

-Turgenev?

-Fathers And Sons, Ivan Turgenev is the right answer.

0:20:310:20:34

So, you have Ivan Turgenev and you have Anatole France.

0:20:340:20:38

One had something that was double the size of the other.

0:20:380:20:41

Is it right hand or left hand?

0:20:410:20:42

-No, but you're right to be physical, it's about their bodies.

-Cock.

0:20:420:20:46

-Maybe cock...

-Well, everyone's thinking it, we might as well get it out in the open.

0:20:460:20:50

KLAXON

0:20:500:20:51

Oh!

0:20:510:20:53

APPLAUSE

0:20:530:20:56

-No?

-It's quite fun to sit here

0:20:580:21:00

when the word "penis" just flashes behind you.

0:21:000:21:02

The number of times that's happened to him.

0:21:020:21:06

-It's not.

-Brain?

0:21:060:21:07

"Brain" is the right answer.

0:21:070:21:09

You bring back a little... A few points to yourself.

0:21:090:21:11

Oh, come on, it must match up.

0:21:110:21:13

Well, that's the thing, is...

0:21:130:21:15

You can't lose more for saying "cock" than you get for saying "brain".

0:21:150:21:18

You know that a klaxon...

0:21:180:21:20

Yeah, Turgenev's brain is twice the size of Anatole France's -

0:21:200:21:23

or was - and Anatole France won the Nobel Prize and Turgenev didn't,

0:21:230:21:28

not that that's anything to do with it, but it is quite surprising.

0:21:280:21:31

Because generally speaking,

0:21:310:21:32

it's held that brain size is to do with intelligence.

0:21:320:21:35

Although there are manifold exceptions.

0:21:350:21:38

But in the case of Turgenev and Anatole France, well,

0:21:380:21:42

Turgenev's brain was 4lbs 6oz.

0:21:420:21:45

And France's was 2lbs 4oz. Almost exactly half.

0:21:450:21:49

Can you feel the weight of your brain?

0:21:490:21:52

-Is that a thing?

-Yes, I can.

-If you've got a heavier brain...

0:21:520:21:55

Yeah. It's really upsetting.

0:21:550:21:56

I can't feel anything.

0:21:560:21:58

Size isn't everything, it seems.

0:22:010:22:03

However, just how small can you feel?

0:22:030:22:06

Er, right. So is this the... Your ability to feel tininess?

0:22:070:22:11

Hmm, it is, well spotted.

0:22:110:22:13

A human hair is pretty small.

0:22:130:22:15

Oh, look. Hairs are small, yeah.

0:22:150:22:17

You can't feel that if it's resting on your hand,

0:22:170:22:20

but if you put it between your fingers, you can.

0:22:200:22:22

-Pollen, can you feel pollen?

-Ooh, ooh...

0:22:220:22:25

-It depends what you're feeling it with.

-Ooh...

0:22:250:22:27

-Yes.

-Yes.

-Look, I'm doing this, look, I'm doing this, I can play the tiny violin.

0:22:270:22:31

-You're using your fingertips, which are your best feely things.

-Oh, OK, fingertips.

0:22:310:22:34

So it was only in 2013 they started to do experiments really, to try and find out.

0:22:340:22:38

And they used a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very

0:22:380:22:40

smooth surface to try and get the friction, the friction.

0:22:400:22:43

And it's absolutely extraordinary what they discovered.

0:22:430:22:46

And that is that we can feel, with our fingers,

0:22:460:22:49

something as small as 13 nanometres high.

0:22:490:22:53

Which is to say, the size of a single molecule.

0:22:530:22:56

Which in itself would be ten times smaller than a bacterium.

0:22:560:22:59

Fortunately, we can't feel bacteria,

0:22:590:23:02

because that would drive us crazy, because they're everywhere.

0:23:020:23:04

Human fingers do this by sensing vibrations from the friction,

0:23:040:23:08

and it is absolutely astonishing.

0:23:080:23:10

And you can test it,

0:23:100:23:12

because you can put something on a surface that's smooth

0:23:120:23:14

and put these tiny things and say "stop" when you feel it.

0:23:140:23:17

How smooth is smooth?

0:23:170:23:19

Yeah. Are we talking like Magic FM?

0:23:190:23:21

-That's too smooth.

-Too smooth?

-Yeah.

0:23:220:23:24

The research team created invisible wrinkles of 16 different heights.

0:23:240:23:27

The smallest detectable ones

0:23:270:23:29

were 7,000 times thinner than a sheet of paper.

0:23:290:23:34

There you are. It makes you wonder though,

0:23:340:23:35

why we can never find the end of a roll of Sellotape.

0:23:350:23:39

Hey...

0:23:390:23:40

How is that?

0:23:410:23:43

Anyway, you'd be surprised just how small people feel sometimes.

0:23:430:23:46

Now, fingers on buzzers please,

0:23:460:23:47

because it's time for General Ignorance.

0:23:470:23:49

Which country's armed forces official march

0:23:490:23:51

is about a tramp by a pond being accosted by a farmer, because

0:23:510:23:54

he's stolen a sheep in his lunch bag...?

0:23:540:23:56

# Big bad John. #

0:23:560:23:57

-Australia?

-Oh!

0:23:570:23:59

KLAXON

0:23:590:24:01

-What a shame.

-It sounds a bit like it though, doesn't it?

0:24:010:24:03

It sounds exactly like it, because it is an exact translation of?

0:24:030:24:06

-Waltzing Matilda.

-Waltzing Matilda.

-Waltzing Matilda,

0:24:060:24:09

but Waltzing Matilda is not an official march in Australia.

0:24:090:24:11

But it is the official march of a country's military.

0:24:110:24:16

Oh, I bet, it's one of the African countries, isn't it?

0:24:160:24:18

-It's not, bizarrely.

-It's one of the Asian countries.

0:24:180:24:20

No, it's not.

0:24:200:24:22

-So way deep down there in South America?

-South American?

0:24:220:24:24

-No. But that's the right area, except not south.

-Caribbean.

0:24:240:24:27

-No.

-Central America, Nicaragua, like Honduras type place?

0:24:270:24:30

Panama, I want to say Panama.

0:24:300:24:32

Belize, I'm going to say Belize. I'm going to say...

0:24:320:24:34

-If you get it, when I've done 15, I'm going to...

-Belize, Belize me.

0:24:340:24:37

-El Salvador.

-Costa Rica.

0:24:370:24:39

No. Go big.

0:24:390:24:41

-Mexico.

-Mexico.

0:24:410:24:42

-Even bigger.

-America.

-America.

0:24:420:24:44

The United States of America, amazingly.

0:24:440:24:46

-Get out of town.

-The first Marine... Yeah.

0:24:460:24:49

The First Marine division, there they are. They have...

0:24:490:24:51

-Tall soldiers!

-Yeah. The First Marine...

0:24:510:24:53

"I love you. March for me!"

0:24:530:24:55

I love she's just, she's just not all...

0:24:550:24:57

She's come out of the wrong door.

0:24:570:25:00

-Well...

-That's my PA, Kelly.

0:25:000:25:02

Hats off!

0:25:050:25:06

Yeah, the First Marine division used Waltzing Matilda,

0:25:060:25:09

because of their relationship with the Australian Army in World War II.

0:25:090:25:13

But there's no Australian military force that uses it officially.

0:25:130:25:17

Of course, they can play what they like.

0:25:170:25:19

-They were trying to have it as their national anthem, weren't they? But it was out-voted, I think.

-By?

0:25:190:25:23

-By Advance Australia Fair.

-"Advance Australia Fair."

0:25:230:25:26

Which is one of the official marches,

0:25:260:25:27

-the other being,

-AUSTRALIAN ACCENT:

-"God Save The Queen."

0:25:270:25:31

And there's also the British Royal Tank Regiment's slow march.

0:25:310:25:34

So, the fact is, if you hear Waltzing Matilda coming at you

0:25:340:25:37

in an official capacity,

0:25:370:25:39

it's Americans attacking you, not Aussies.

0:25:390:25:41

Or our own chaps, but very slowly.

0:25:410:25:44

When a chicken lays an egg,

0:25:440:25:46

which end comes out first?

0:25:460:25:49

Oh, God. Not answering.

0:25:490:25:52

# Big girls... #

0:25:520:25:54

The big end.

0:25:540:25:55

-Yes! That's right. You see...

-Oh, shut up! I was going to say that!

0:25:550:25:59

We can actually, um...

0:26:020:26:04

We've actually got a glove

0:26:040:26:05

which sort of reproduces an oviduct -

0:26:050:26:09

you know, a little egg-laying tube, so you can try and...

0:26:090:26:12

What happens is, in utero,

0:26:120:26:14

the egg is little end down and then it turns round.

0:26:140:26:17

Yeah, very good.

0:26:200:26:22

I'm going to start campaigning for epidurals for chickens.

0:26:220:26:25

There you are, you can let the big end out, can you...

0:26:250:26:27

Ooh.

0:26:270:26:29

-Oh, no, this is so sore.

-Are these hard-boiled, because this is...

0:26:290:26:32

-Oh, well done, there you are.

-Oh, I've laid one.

0:26:320:26:34

Oh, dear.

0:26:340:26:35

It is a rubber egg, as you can...

0:26:350:26:37

WHACK WHACK

0:26:370:26:39

That's why you're not a hen gynaecologist.

0:26:410:26:43

But you should have... Have you got a real egg down there?

0:26:440:26:47

I've got a real egg and a cup.

0:26:470:26:48

Now, now be careful with the real egg. Point it over the cup.

0:26:480:26:51

Why, are they fragile, Stephen?

0:26:510:26:53

Well, no, they're not fragile, Alan,

0:26:530:26:55

and if you obey this picture and put the egg in your hand like this

0:26:550:26:59

and squeeze as hard as you like, you shouldn't be able to break it.

0:26:590:27:02

Yeah.

0:27:020:27:04

-What have I got to do?

-Squeeze.

0:27:040:27:06

Hard as you can, to break it. But you can't, can you?

0:27:060:27:08

-No, I cannot break it.

-Very, very strong. And that's the thing, eggs are very...

0:27:080:27:11

You can try it at home, ladies and gentlemen.

0:27:110:27:13

-But...

-Ah, if any of you had done it, I would have married you, goddamn it.

0:27:130:27:17

How do they stamp them, Stephen?

0:27:170:27:19

Well they've got a little thing inside their little hymen.

0:27:190:27:23

A little printing event, that goes on, just as it comes out,

0:27:230:27:27

getting its best before date.

0:27:270:27:28

-That's clever. That's very clever.

-Yeah, yeah.

0:27:280:27:32

The cartridges to refill a chicken are really prohibitively expensive.

0:27:320:27:36

Well, yes, you've rather revealed my trick...

0:27:380:27:40

Oh they're great, look at that go!

0:27:400:27:42

Meanwhile, on the chicken farm, Barnes Wallace...

0:27:420:27:44

And so, having spent a little time having it large with you all,

0:27:460:27:50

it's time to look at the scores.

0:27:500:27:52

Well, it's extraordinary, it's wonderful, it's terrific

0:27:520:27:55

and it's marvellous, because in first place, by quite a margin -

0:27:550:27:58

that's to say by QI standards -

0:27:580:28:00

it's Lucy Porter, with 8 points!

0:28:000:28:02

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:020:28:05

In second place,

0:28:070:28:09

5 behind, with plus 3,

0:28:090:28:11

is Phill Jupitus.

0:28:110:28:13

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:130:28:17

And surprising, given the depth and breadth of his knowledge,

0:28:170:28:20

with minus 16, in third place,

0:28:200:28:22

is Richard Osman.

0:28:220:28:23

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:230:28:25

We did rubbish.

0:28:250:28:27

But, bringing up his all too familiar rear,

0:28:270:28:30

with minus 27, is Alan Davies.

0:28:300:28:32

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:320:28:35

So, it's thanks from Lucy, Phill, Richard, Alan and me.

0:28:400:28:43

And I'll leave you with the last words of Nostradamus,

0:28:430:28:46

as he lay dying, probably making what was his only accurate

0:28:460:28:50

and only unambiguous prediction.

0:28:500:28:53

"Tomorrow, I shall no longer be here."

0:28:530:28:56

Good night.

0:28:560:28:57

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