Naked Truth QI


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Naked Truth

Sandi Toksvig looks at the naked truth with Richard Osman, Lolly Adefope, Lee Mack and Alan Davies.


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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Hello, and welcome to a show dedicated to the naked truth.

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Joining me, and full of naked ambition,

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are tonight's skinny dippers.

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In the buff, Richard Osman!

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-APPLAUSE

-Hi.

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In the altogether, Lee Mack!

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-APPLAUSE

-Hello.

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In her birthday suit, Lolly Adefope!

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APPLAUSE

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And indescribable Alan Davies!

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APPLAUSE

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Right, let's hear their buzzers.

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Lolly goes...

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MUSIC: The Stripper

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Richard goes...

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MUSIC: The Stripper

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Lee goes...

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MUSIC: The Stripper

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And Alan goes...

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MUSIC ENDS

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TRICKLING

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What the...

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Well, I need to go now. Don't you?

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-Yeah.

-So, Alan, we're going to start with you.

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-Oh, OK.

-Are you normal or weird?

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I think I'm normal, Sandi.

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KLAXON

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-All right, weird.

-Feel bad.

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Yes, you are weird.

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Anybody here normal?

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I would say, uh, I'll go weird.

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Yes. Normal, do you feel normal, Lolly?

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I feel very much at home here.

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OK. You must have a strange house, but there we are.

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What about you, Richard? Normal?

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I'm going to go out on a crazy limb.

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-Yeah.

-And say maybe I'm a little bit weird.

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Yes. The fact is, nobody is normal.

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So, say you took an average of every single person here in this room,

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and we took height and shoe size and collar size and all those things,

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you won't find anybody who's average in all respects.

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It just doesn't exist.

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And it's called the jaggedness principle.

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And it really matters. In the 1940s, the US Air Force, they thought,

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"I know what we'll do. We'll design a cockpit that fits absolutely

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-"everybody." OK?

-The cockpit has yet to be designed...

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-Yes, that is...

-..that will fit my proportions.

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In what way?

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-Oh, in a plane?

-In a plane.

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Oh, I'm sorry!

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How embarrassing, I thought you were talking about...

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Yes, I try so hard with you boys.

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So they took the measurements of over 4,000 pilots and they designed

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this cockpit seat based on these ten different body measurements.

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And it didn't fit a single pilot.

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Because there isn't any such thing as normal,

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and in the end they had to develop the adjustable seat for aeroplanes,

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because of the jaggedness principle.

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So trying to find an average person's unbelievably difficult.

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The Australian Bureau of Statistics used the national census to try and

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find an average Australian.

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So here's what they announced. She was a 37-year-old woman.

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She had a son and daughter, he was six and she was nine.

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The woman is five foot four and 11st.

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She's got a three-bedroom house with about £200,000 left

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on the mortgage. Her family came originally from the UK.

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That is the average Australian.

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And then they couldn't find a single person in the entire country who

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-matched it.

-I think it's me.

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-Are you five foot four?

-Yeah.

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Are you Australian?

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So close!

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OK, try this one, all right?

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So this is a 2014 dating site.

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They surveyed 2,000 London men.

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So the ideal London woman, here's what she looks like.

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Five foot six.

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-Five foot four.

-Five foot four, OK.

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9st. 34C bust, drinks white wine,

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has no tattoos and supports Tottenham.

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Oh!

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No wonder she's single.

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Yeah, well... I've got more on her.

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I've got more. Brown hair.

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Brown hair. She drove an Audi TT, she was either a nurse or a teacher.

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She liked roast dinners.

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She had an exotic foreign accent.

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She loved Dirty Dancing the movie,

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and the top television show was Friends.

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-Oh, she sounds like an idiot.

-She does!

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That's what a man's really looking for in a woman,

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somebody who likes Dirty Dancing.

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They're so rare to find.

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-I know.

-I don't think I have any of those...

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-Don't have...

-..qualities.

-You've got brown hair.

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-It's kind of black.

-OK.

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So, if you're not normal, you could be weird.

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In fact, we are all at the table weird.

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It stands for Western educated from industrialised rich democratic

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countries. So why might that be a problem?

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-That be an issue?

-The problem is because they're missing the C off

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the end of WEIRD. Yeah, countries.

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-Oh, I see.

-So the acronym works pretty well.

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-Doesn't really scan though, does it?

-No.

-WEIRDC.

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The problem is that whenever we do sociological research or

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psychological research, 96% of the people who participate

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in these kind of studies, they're usually students, are weird.

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Even though that only represents 12% of the world's population.

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Surely NORMAL could be an acronym for something?

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-Yes.

-Yes, what could it be?

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It ends in "Arsenal loving," I know that.

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I'm just trying...

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Yeah, C's for something else there, isn't it?

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LAUGHTER

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Anyway, none of us is normal, but we might just be weird.

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Now, let's look at some naked apes.

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What did the Neanderthal take with him when he went clubbing?

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Are you meaning a club to club things with?

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KLAXON

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Over the years I thought I'd get better at this.

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We've all been hoping, Alan.

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Given that Alan got a klaxon for saying clubs.

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-Yes.

-I'm guessing he didn't use clubs.

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-Very good.

-Or she.

-No, he or she did not use...

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See, that's how to do it.

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They lived above the tree line.

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They lived in the desert. There weren't any trees.

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Otherwise you'd use a branch!

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Yeah, but they had spears and arrows

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which had presumably got wooden shafts.

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They couldn't get near enough to club anything.

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-It was too dangerous.

-For all we know, they didn't have clubs.

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I mean, the main thing about it is that we've never,

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ever seen anything shaped remotely like a club.

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No artefact anywhere.

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I base all my knowledge of Neanderthal men

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from the Wacky Races.

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The Flintstones, obviously, which is incredibly accurate.

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All those people living with dinosaurs.

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-Running in the cars.

-Yeah, exactly!

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To be fair, we've got Wacky Races,

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we've got Flintstones and we've got Captain Caveman.

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So that's three separate bits of evidence

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that suggests they did have clubs.

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-Yeah.

-Unless they're all making it up.

-Yeah.

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So they didn't take clubs but they took cameras?

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Yes.

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That's one of the earliest photographs.

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That's incredible. They couldn't say cheese, though,

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-because they didn't have cheese.

-Cheese?

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-For the photograph.

-Oh, I see.

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I wonder what they said.

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Bison's quite good. "Bison."

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To be fair, you are just saying bison and then smiling.

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-Bison.

-Yeah.

-You could say anything, couldn't you?

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Stick of rock.

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But we've never ever...

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There's never been a painting, there's never been an artefact.

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To be fair, most wooden artefacts will rot.

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So you'd get paintings of spears and we get spearheads that you find,

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but you don't actually get the wooden...

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-You don't get the wooden pole, right?

-Yeah.

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So they might have had clubs that rotted away.

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I understand that you don't want to go too near an animal with a club.

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But if you're fighting neighbouring tribes...

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Probably you would just pick up a stick.

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-But a stick is a club.

-Well, it's not shaped like a club,

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-that's the point.

-When is a club a stick?

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-Yeah.

-When you cover it in chocolate.

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I'm sorry, Lolly.

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-I apologise.

-No, I'm really learning a lot.

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You're learning? That's good.

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Because I feel like knowledge is draining from me as we speak.

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Now a question about the bare necessities of life, such as shelter.

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So who lived here?

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-Massive bats.

-Massive...?

-No, I said massive.

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OK. And what did you say?

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And I said "not bats".

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-Not bats, OK.

-So between us the answer is massive not bats.

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It's a type of not bat, the massive not bat.

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We could go through a long list of things that didn't live there.

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I can tell you they're in Brazil...

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Brazilians.

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Is not correct.

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They sometimes went as deep as 70 feet, they had multiple chambers.

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Is it some sort of massive animal?

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-Yes.

-Is it termites?

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No, but that would be huge, wouldn't they?

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That would be massive. An army of termites.

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Yeah, like a load of termites going, "Go!"

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And then making a massive tunnel.

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I love that. Little tiny hard hats, running.

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They'd build like a little cart, and then they all ride down it together.

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Whee!

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Suddenly my answer not anywhere near as interesting, if I'm honest.

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Is it a burrowing mammal?

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It is. It's a giant ground sloth.

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They lived from about 2.8 million years ago to about 10,000 years ago,

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and some of them were as big as an adult elephant.

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The largest species, the megatherium,

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weighed up to four tonnes.

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And it was 20-foot long from nose to tail.

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So they still have some living relatives today, which is the tree sloths.

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The difference in scale, I mean...

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Say imagine me and Richard.

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To be comparably larger, Richard would need to be about 50 foot tall.

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So I'd need to be three foot taller than I currently am?

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Yes.

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What's the largest burrowing animal today?

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Oh, that would be the giant "not bat".

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Badgers are quite big.

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Wombats, do they go under?

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-Giant badger?

-I like the question, "Do wombats go under?"

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-Is it wombat?

-No, it's not a wombat.

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-Two bats.

-Two bats!

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I'm going to go with Lolly. It's not bats, OK?

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It's not bats.

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Is it humans?

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-No, it's the polar bear.

-The polar bear burrows?

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-Yeah, they dig...

-Hang on, Alan, I don't think humans burrow either.

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-You said humans!

-We made the Channel Tunnel.

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Well, they made the Tunnel, yes.

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Actually I think you should win that.

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That's very good. But it's not the largest animal, is it?

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The polar bear, they dig a maternity den.

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Either in the snow, or in the earth.

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So they are the largest burrowing animal.

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Speaking of caves, anybody been to Nottingham?

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I've been to Nottingham, yeah.

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Hey. Whoa, so have I, mate. Come on.

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-LOLLY:

-I actually went to university really near Nottingham.

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-Did you?

-So let's all chill out, actually.

-This is a small world!

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-Alan?

-Yeah, I've been there.

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No way! Alan's been as well, Sandi.

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I made my professional debut at Nottingham Playhouse.

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-Did you?

-I did.

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Anyway, the city centre was once known as Tiggua Cobaucc,

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which means "the place of caves".

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So from as early as the 11th century, people lived in caves in Nottingham.

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Under the Nottingham Inclosure Act of 1845,

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it is still illegal to rent out a cave to anybody in Nottingham.

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They were trying to stop unscrupulous landlords renting them

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out to the poor. I'd quite like to live in a cave, though.

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Don't you think it would be fine?

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Um, no.

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No? Oh.

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What's your reservation?

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Wi-Fi.

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If you had a good hub?

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That picture on the right, at the back, is that a downstairs toilet?

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It does look awfully like some kind of font, doesn't it?

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Or like a sundial but no light.

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The world's worst sundial.

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The classic underground sundial.

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"Where do we put the sundial?" "In the basement."

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Do you know what the original name for Nottingham is?

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-Is it Ingham?

-It's got Nottingham in it.

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No, but it's not just Ingham and then they changed it to "Not-Ingham"?

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-No.

-Nottinghampton.

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Nottingham is the shortened version of its original name.

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-Snottingham?

-Exactly right.

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-Come on!

-It was ruled by a Saxon chief named Snot.

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And it was literally "the homestead of Snot's people."

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It was Snottingham and then, I don't know why they dropped the S because

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-I think it's perfectly charming.

-I think they should put it back.

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Now, your ancestors could make fire using things that they found.

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You have something on a tray and I will give you 20 points to anybody

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who can start a fire with the things you have got there.

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Can I use my lighter that I've got in my pocket?

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Oh, now, look, can't you put that in the lemon, won't that work?

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-Supposedly doesn't.

-Can't you get a charge out of citrus fruit?

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-You can.

-Am I about to?

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Not enough to upset yourself, I don't think.

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Meanwhile, I'm going to use this to look for a match.

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Does it matter if we open that? Would that help?

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You don't want to open it but you can actually use a can of soda.

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Is that what it is, just a can of fizzy pop?

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It is a can of fizzy pop, yeah.

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If you look at the base of your tin,

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you can see that it is a concave shape.

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If you polished that, you would be able to reflect enough sunlight

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in order to be able to make fire.

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And, in fact, we can demonstrate this in the studio,

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but obviously we're going to need experts so we have with us our

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friends from the Festival of the Spoken Nerd.

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The science comedy phenomenon,

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they tour all over the UK and have brought one of their experiments

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from their show, please welcome, Matt, Steve and Helen, the nurse.

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APPLAUSE

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I was right, wasn't I, that the tin of pop is a kind of...?

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Yes, it's almost the right shape to focus light in.

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This is a natural paraboloid which is the perfect shape,

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so we can use this to set fire to something.

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Don't just point it at me.

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We've got a graphic here of the two dishes we've set up and if you cut

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one in half, so we can swivel one around, and if you unpeel it, it's

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just a parabola, and the amazing thing about a parabola is that any

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line which comes directly down,

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parallel with the axes, will go through exactly the same spot,

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the focal point. And the same thing works in reverse so if something

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emits from the focal point it'll be sent out as a parallel...

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That's how the Death Star works, isn't it?

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That's essentially the cleverest thing that's ever been said near

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you, Lee, isn't it?

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We're going to give this a go but, please, can you put your

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-sunglasses on?

-Because these are going to protect us, aren't they?!

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So about 200 years ago,

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this was a party trick where they would put a super hot cannonball at

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one focal point and gunpowder at the other.

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We thought we wouldn't try that.

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We asked and apparently we're not allowed because it's no longer the past.

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But they have let us bring a heat lamp and nitrocellulose so that's flash cotton.

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This will be the past one day, you know.

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Not on Dave.

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APPLAUSE

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-OK. Are we ready?

-Yeah.

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-LEE:

-Don't worry, it's not right in my eye!

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ALL: Oh!

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APPLAUSE

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Fantastic. Fantastic, guys, thank you so much.

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And now a question about naked ambition.

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Do you know what this man does faster than anyone in the world?

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It's actually amazing.

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-Hair growing?

-Oh, yeah, hair growing, because I want to see that.

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What's the thing that we talk about, it's always impressive,

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you go, wow, he's the fastest in the world at that?

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-Running.

-Running, yes.

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He's not faster than Usain Bolt, you're not going to say that?

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In a way. He ran the mile faster than the current world flat record.

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So downhill runner?

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He's a downhill runner.

0:15:390:15:40

He's a British athlete, and when he was a 16-year-old schoolboy,

0:15:400:15:44

he ran the fastest mile ever.

0:15:440:15:47

In 1996, the Meltham Maniac Mile,

0:15:470:15:51

so it's one mile down a fantastically steep hill just outside

0:15:510:15:55

Huddersfield. The course drops 400 feet,

0:15:550:15:59

it has since been banned, this race.

0:15:590:16:01

For health and safety reasons.

0:16:010:16:04

But he completed it in three minutes and 24 seconds.

0:16:040:16:06

-Do you have to keep running?

-You can't stop.

0:16:060:16:08

-You can't roll?

-No, you can't roll.

0:16:080:16:10

This is the most British race, I think, of all time because it says

0:16:100:16:14

that the course started at the cattle grid by Tinker Lane.

0:16:140:16:17

Did they stop it after a terrible injury,

0:16:190:16:21

or just because something COULD happen there?

0:16:210:16:23

We can find out because Craig Wheeler,

0:16:230:16:26

fastest man over a mile, is in the audience.

0:16:260:16:29

APPLAUSE

0:16:290:16:31

Can you go to the top of the steps and run down?

0:16:360:16:38

-So, Craig, why did they stop it?

-No idea, obviously this day and age,

0:16:380:16:43

-health and safety in anything.

-And they ran it the other way as well,

0:16:430:16:47

in the opposite direction, didn't they? It was called the murder mile.

0:16:470:16:50

-That's the one.

-We've got a VT actually, Craig, of you,

0:16:500:16:52

I don't know if you can talk us through it but was there

0:16:520:16:55

any moment when you were running that you actually thought you were

0:16:550:16:58

just going to do what Lolly suggested and roll down?

0:16:580:17:01

Most of the race I thought I was going to go flat on my face.

0:17:010:17:04

-LEE:

-Did we actually see him stop then or does he just carry on?

0:17:040:17:08

"I can't stop!"

0:17:080:17:10

20 seconds faster than the world record for the flat mile.

0:17:140:17:17

Was it Record Breakers that you were doing?

0:17:170:17:19

Yes. I went back the following year to try to break the record with

0:17:190:17:23

Record Breakers and I fell two seconds short.

0:17:230:17:26

Which is still the second fastest time ever.

0:17:260:17:30

So you're first and second?

0:17:310:17:33

-Yes.

-There's a proper champion.

0:17:330:17:34

That was Craig Wheeler, the fastest man ever.

0:17:340:17:37

Now, what's the best thing anyone's ever done in the nude?

0:17:390:17:42

Running downhill?

0:17:440:17:45

-That would hurt, wouldn't it?

-If you were a woman,

0:17:450:17:48

it could take your eye out.

0:17:480:17:50

If you're me it could take your eye out.

0:17:500:17:52

So one day you're able to sit as comfortably as you are, Lee.

0:17:550:17:58

Someone discovered something?

0:17:580:18:01

Was Alexander Fleming in the nude when he discovered penicillin?

0:18:010:18:04

It's something that's absolutely extraordinary,

0:18:040:18:07

it was mostly done in the nude. It is, if I'm frank with you,

0:18:070:18:09

it's for the purposes of this question.

0:18:090:18:11

They did it for the purposes of this question?

0:18:110:18:13

Well, the answer is for the purposes of this question.

0:18:130:18:15

It's World War II was won in the nude,

0:18:150:18:18

so who might have been in the nude winning World War II?

0:18:180:18:21

Adolf Hitler?

0:18:210:18:23

And on the other side?

0:18:230:18:25

-Coronation Street.

-On the less grumpy side?

0:18:250:18:29

Are you talking about our very own Winston?

0:18:290:18:31

-Winston Churchill, yes.

-I don't think Winston would be called less grumpy.

0:18:310:18:35

I thought Hitler was actually quite upbeat even though he was

0:18:350:18:38

-a terrible guy.

-You can say what you like about him,

0:18:380:18:42

at least he was always starting the day with a smile on his lips.

0:18:420:18:46

He would wake people up and go, "D'you know what,

0:18:460:18:49

"this morning I was thinking Poland's lovely."

0:18:490:18:51

It looks like he's just thrown a dart, actually.

0:18:540:18:56

Like he's got a dart board at the end of the bath.

0:18:560:18:58

That's like you're perfect... Having a dartboard at the end of your bath...

0:18:580:19:01

-That would be great, wouldn't it?

-Imagine how clean you would be.

0:19:010:19:04

-That would be fantastic.

-Then you would have one of those targets in

0:19:040:19:07

a rifle range where you wind it up and get them out again and then wind it back.

0:19:070:19:11

Is it a boy thing? Can you imagine having a dartboard at

0:19:110:19:14

-the end of your bath?

-Yeah, definitely.

0:19:140:19:16

-Love it.

-Just me, then.

0:19:160:19:18

You had something to do with dartboards.

0:19:180:19:21

Something that he invented whilst in the bath?

0:19:210:19:24

He loved to be naked.

0:19:240:19:26

In fact, he so often received people while he was in the bath that his

0:19:260:19:29

ministers and staff officers were nicknamed "companions of the bath".

0:19:290:19:32

Oh, that old chestnut.

0:19:320:19:34

That's when he got out.

0:19:350:19:37

Chief Usher at the White House, a man called JB West,

0:19:450:19:48

and he wrote about Churchill, "In his room,

0:19:480:19:51

"Mr Churchill wore no clothes at all most of the time during the day."

0:19:510:19:54

And there's a story that when Churchill was staying at the White House,

0:19:540:19:57

President Franklin Roosevelt called on him in his rooms,

0:19:570:20:00

and Churchill was nude, and Roosevelt said, "I'm sorry,"

0:20:000:20:02

and Churchill said, "The Prime Minister of Great Britain has

0:20:020:20:05

"nothing to conceal from the President of the United States"!

0:20:050:20:09

And the President later told his secretary that "You know, Grace,

0:20:090:20:13

"he's pink and white all over."

0:20:130:20:16

What colour was he expecting, just out of interest?

0:20:160:20:18

I think he wasn't expecting to know any colour, is the truth of it.

0:20:180:20:22

Other famous nudists, Enid Blyton was a famous nudist.

0:20:220:20:25

-Oh.

-Apparently she liked to play naked tennis with her friends.

0:20:250:20:30

She didn't write that in any of the books.

0:20:300:20:32

No, she didn't. But until 1938 in America,

0:20:320:20:35

it was illegal for a man to be topless in public,

0:20:350:20:37

and that included on the beach.

0:20:370:20:39

And they used to monitor women's bathing suits as well, so in the 1920s,

0:20:390:20:42

there were special deputy sheriffs sworn in on some beaches in New York.

0:20:420:20:46

They were all women, they were called sheriffettes,

0:20:460:20:48

and their job was to measure the distance between the bottom of

0:20:480:20:51

a woman's swimsuit and her knees.

0:20:510:20:54

And, actually, when I was at boarding school,

0:20:540:20:56

at the beginning of every year, you had to put your skirt on,

0:20:560:20:58

and then you had to kneel in front of Matron,

0:20:580:21:01

and the top of your hem had to touch the floor, and if it didn't,

0:21:010:21:04

you had to go and get a new skirt.

0:21:040:21:06

Or a bigger pen.

0:21:060:21:07

-Bigger pen?

-Just get a bigger pen, and then you can have a shorter skirt.

0:21:080:21:12

Bigger pen, you see, so it reached the...

0:21:120:21:14

It was hem, it was hem, Lee.

0:21:140:21:17

-There's the problem.

-Oh, I thought you said pen!

-Hem.

-I wondered why

0:21:170:21:20

everyone was looking at me, going, "What are you talking about?"

0:21:200:21:23

I love that Lee has such confidence if he's thinking,

0:21:230:21:25

there is no way that joke didn't work.

0:21:250:21:27

Yeah, must be a technical error on that,

0:21:270:21:30

because this is gold, this stuff!

0:21:300:21:32

Oh, a hem!

0:21:330:21:34

Yeah.

0:21:350:21:36

Now, while we are in that area,

0:21:360:21:39

what can't you do to a naked Osman in Kyrgyzstan?

0:21:390:21:42

I genuinely turned round, then,

0:21:450:21:47

because I thought Alan's head was blocking something else...

0:21:470:21:49

I thought you were going to say, "I remember that horse", then!

0:21:500:21:54

Two wonderful weeks with her!

0:21:560:21:59

She looks exhausted.

0:21:590:22:01

OK, so it's not a person, I can tell you, a naked Osman.

0:22:010:22:04

-Kill it, eat it.

-You can't eat it any more, but you used to be able to.

0:22:040:22:08

-It's in the water.

-Catch it.

0:22:080:22:11

It's a trout-like fish.

0:22:110:22:13

It used to be the most populous fish in Lake Issyk-Kul in north-east

0:22:130:22:16

-Kyrgyzstan.

-And it's called an osman?

0:22:160:22:19

-It's called a naked osman.

-Oh, a naked osman.

-Why is it called the naked osman?

0:22:190:22:22

Something to do with the way it looks.

0:22:220:22:24

Whoa, whoa, come on!

0:22:240:22:27

But it's been overfished, so by 1986 was almost wiped out.

0:22:270:22:30

There has been a total ban, you'll be very pleased to know,

0:22:300:22:33

you can no longer catch a naked osman in Kyrgyzstan.

0:22:330:22:36

That is terrific news, although if you do want to catch a naked osman...

0:22:360:22:39

No, forget it...

0:22:390:22:40

It's a fantastic lake, Lake Issyk-Kul,

0:22:400:22:43

it's the second largest mountain lake in the world,

0:22:430:22:45

obviously after Titicaca.

0:22:450:22:47

And what is extraordinary about it is that it is endorheic,

0:22:470:22:50

and that means it has got no outlets other than evaporation,

0:22:500:22:52

so it's much deeper now than it was in medieval times.

0:22:520:22:55

It used to be a fantastically popular stopping route on the Silk Road,

0:22:550:22:59

and there is, as far as we know,

0:22:590:23:01

a 2,500-year-old city at the bottom of the lake.

0:23:010:23:04

-Oh, wow.

-Cool.

-So they've found all sorts of archaeological finds

0:23:040:23:07

round there. All of which brings us to the place that isn't wearing a

0:23:070:23:10

stitch of general knowledge, it's General Ignorance,

0:23:100:23:12

so fingers on buzzers, please.

0:23:120:23:14

First of all, how many shades of grey are there?

0:23:140:23:18

MUSIC: The Stripper

0:23:210:23:22

One.

0:23:220:23:24

Is not right.

0:23:250:23:27

Is it 49.9?

0:23:280:23:30

-Unlimited?

-No, well...

0:23:340:23:37

Limited.

0:23:380:23:40

For a very weird moment, I felt like Gypsy Rose Lee.

0:23:450:23:50

Compelled to take my clothes off.

0:23:500:23:52

The Pantone colour chart lists 104 shades of grey.

0:23:520:23:56

There are 71 of white, and there are 110 of naked or nude, i.e.,

0:23:560:24:01

skin coloured, but that one is really weird,

0:24:010:24:04

because you can buy nude tights, you can buy naked shoes,

0:24:040:24:07

naked sticking plasters, but they all presume that somebody's white.

0:24:070:24:10

-All of those colours.

-I used to get that when I used to go in,

0:24:100:24:12

and I'd ask for like a nude lip gloss,

0:24:120:24:15

and they'd give me a chalk white lip gloss!

0:24:150:24:19

There are 104 shades of grey, which is quite frankly plenty.

0:24:190:24:23

Now, name an extinct animal with teeth-like sabres.

0:24:230:24:27

MUSIC: The Stripper

0:24:270:24:28

Is it the saw-toothed cat?

0:24:280:24:31

Is it the rapier-toothed panther?

0:24:360:24:39

-Any more for any more?

-Is it the sabre-toothed tiger?

0:24:390:24:42

KLAXON

0:24:420:24:44

It isn't that, why isn't it that?

0:24:450:24:48

Because they didn't actually have teeth like sabres?

0:24:480:24:50

Because no such animal ever existed.

0:24:500:24:53

-That's what I said.

-That's exactly right.

0:24:530:24:55

No wonder it's extinct.

0:24:550:24:56

There's never been a sabre-tooth tiger or a lion.

0:24:560:25:01

-Never been a lion?

-Sabre-toothed lion.

0:25:010:25:03

Oh, I see, I thought you said there'd never been a lion, full stop.

0:25:030:25:06

I thought, have I just been falling for this?

0:25:060:25:08

It's a man in a costume at the zoo?

0:25:080:25:10

Yeah, it's a lion with the hem of his skirt, no...

0:25:100:25:13

Pen, what's he doing with a pen?

0:25:130:25:15

There's never been a sabre-toothed tiger or a lion.

0:25:160:25:19

Sabre-toothed cats are not closely related to either tigers or lions,

0:25:190:25:22

in fact, they weren't even cats, strictly speaking.

0:25:220:25:25

They were kind of stocky and bear-like.

0:25:250:25:27

-It looks like a sloth.

-It does look in the sloth area, doesn't it?

0:25:270:25:30

And they ranged in size from the large pet cat to one the size of the

0:25:300:25:34

horse that you took on your holidays.

0:25:340:25:37

When you say took...

0:25:370:25:41

-To a thing.

-Yeah.

0:25:410:25:43

There was a sabre-toothed trout,

0:25:430:25:45

that there was, six and a half feet long.

0:25:450:25:47

-Wow.

-Shut the front door.

0:25:470:25:50

Yes. But there's no such thing as a sabre-toothed tiger and there never

0:25:500:25:54

has been. What is this noise?

0:25:540:25:57

GROWLING

0:25:570:25:59

-Yes.

-Is it Winston Churchill taking a meeting?

0:26:040:26:07

That's his bath when they heard about the invasion of Poland!

0:26:090:26:13

"Me, nervous? No, I'm not nervous."

0:26:130:26:17

It is the noise of the small intestine

0:26:170:26:20

cleaning itself in preparation for food.

0:26:200:26:23

The noise is called bor-boring... borro-borrow...bub...

0:26:230:26:27

The noise is called borborygmus, borborygmus.

0:26:270:26:29

-What's it called?

-It's your tummy rumbling.

0:26:290:26:32

And it's one of the few physiological processes that we can

0:26:320:26:35

hear with the naked ear.

0:26:350:26:37

Is that the one where, when you're with your wife,

0:26:370:26:39

and you don't know who's done the noise?

0:26:390:26:41

-Yeah.

-That's true, isn't it?

0:26:410:26:42

If you're close to somebody and someone's tummy rumbles,

0:26:420:26:45

-it's impossible to work out whose.

-Yeah.

0:26:450:26:47

You would think if it was inside you, you'd be able to work it out, right, Lee?

0:26:470:26:50

-Yeah.

-But you want to say that next time, "I believe that was you,

0:26:500:26:53

"that borborygmus."

0:26:530:26:55

I mean, you can't read it, so I'm not going to be able to say it, am I?

0:26:550:26:58

Finally, I'll give you 100 points if you can pat your head while

0:26:580:27:01

rubbing your stomach. Anybody?

0:27:010:27:04

-Pat your head...

-And rub your stomach.

0:27:040:27:05

And rub your stomach.

0:27:050:27:07

KLAXON

0:27:070:27:09

Not there, not there.

0:27:090:27:10

-I didn't do it, Sandi.

-You didn't do it, give it a go.

0:27:100:27:13

Look at you, teacher's pet, "I didn't do it, can I have the points?"

0:27:130:27:15

Only cos you couldn't reach, it's quite high up, isn't it?

0:27:150:27:18

No, listen, currently I'm one point up on everybody.

0:27:180:27:21

-Have you worked it out?

-No, but if I don't do anything at all,

0:27:210:27:24

I make up a point on everybody, because you all did it wrong.

0:27:240:27:27

Why did they do it wrong, Richard?

0:27:270:27:29

Because the stomach was in the wrong place.

0:27:290:27:31

-And where is it?

-I don't know.

0:27:310:27:33

-It's much higher up than most people realise.

-Here.

0:27:350:27:38

No.

0:27:380:27:40

It's just under your pecs, really.

0:27:400:27:43

So it's not down here, it's up here.

0:27:430:27:44

And did you know, this is the most extraordinary thing,

0:27:440:27:47

the stomach lining blushes when you blush.

0:27:470:27:49

I don't think I can blush.

0:27:490:27:52

That will be all that naked foundation you're wearing!

0:27:540:27:56

I tell you what, it's a challenge for us though, isn't it, if you can't?

0:27:560:28:01

I bet Lee could make you blush.

0:28:010:28:04

I like a challenge.

0:28:040:28:06

So, to the scores, well, Richard was exactly right,

0:28:060:28:09

with a magnificent one point, this week's winner, in first place,

0:28:090:28:12

it's Richard!

0:28:120:28:13

-APPLAUSE

-Thank you.

0:28:130:28:16

Second place, with a fantastic debut of -8, Lolly!

0:28:160:28:21

In third place with -20, it's Lee!

0:28:240:28:27

Thank you. I'm happy with that.

0:28:280:28:32

And with -35, it's Alan!

0:28:330:28:38

APPLAUSE

0:28:380:28:40

My thanks to Lolly, Lee, Richard and Alan,

0:28:460:28:48

and I leave you with this Neolithic newspaper nugget from The Sun,

0:28:480:28:52

"This woman walked very close to me and it was obvious that underneath

0:28:520:28:55

"her clothing she wore little or nothing."

0:28:550:28:58

Goodnight!

0:28:580:29:00