Non Sequiturs QI


Non Sequiturs

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Wheyyy!

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Hello and welcome to QI.

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Tonight's show will be a nebulous nosebag of non sequiturs.

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Nestled in next to me, we have three types of non sequitur.

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Affirming the consequent, Miles Jupp.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Denying the antecedent, Deirdre O'Kane.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The fallacy of the undistributed middle, Phill Jupitus.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And getting in a frightful muddle, Alan Davies.

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-Hello.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And for their buzzers, we've got four non-secateurs

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because one of the researchers can't spell.

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Miles goes...

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SCISSORS SNIP CRISPLY

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Deirdre goes...

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SCISSOR BLADES SCRAPE TOGETHER

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-On for quite a long time.

-Very bad hairdresser, that is.

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Slightly rusty. Phill goes...

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KNIFE CHOPPING VEGETABLES

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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And Alan goes...

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'Cut!'

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Let's start with a nun-sequitur.

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How do you get urine off a nun?

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-Yes.

-I don't think that nuns pee at all.

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Oh!

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I know a lot about nuns.

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-Do you, why's that?

-Because I was educated by them

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and it was in a boarding school, so I actually lived with them.

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Right. And they never weed?

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-Never.

-I never saw one of them enter or leave a bathroom.

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The thing is, they've got those very long frocks on, haven't they?

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Very long frocks, and they might have

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some kind of divine catheter or something, but they don't...

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You don't see them coming out of a bathroom.

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The Divine Catheter are a great group, aren't they?

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Everybody at home playing QI bingo, that's "Divine catheter."

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In the 18th century, women who wore the long frocks,

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they used to have the equivalent of a gravy boat

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on a sort of ribbon for long church services.

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They actually had one of those things we were all just imagining?

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Yes, they did. Yes, they did.

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A gravy boat on a ribbon.

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Is this urine in the picture or is that just something...

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"The gravy boat's fallen off!"

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"Help me!"

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That's "The gravy boat's fallen off."

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Is it necessary to get urine off nuns?

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It was necessary. It was the 1960s.

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Oh, it was a condiment, wasn't it, nun wee?

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A condiment?!

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"Have you got a slightly bigger bottle of nun wee?"

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Was it to test, pregnancy tests?

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It is to do with pregnancy. Women who go through the menopause,

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their urine contains very high levels of hormones

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that can be used to make medications to increase female fertility,

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something the Roman Catholic Church are very much in favour of.

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-Hence the horny menopausal women.

-Yeah, exactly. Exactly.

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That's another good group.

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The Horny Menopausal Women.

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I love that band. What a gig.

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1960, there was a medical student called Bruno Lunenfeld

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and he was looking for a source of menopausal women

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who would be happy to give up their urine.

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So, this is one of those stories where chance takes a moment in life.

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He met the Pope's nephew by chance.

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And he's talking about, "Where the heck am I going to find

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"a whole lot of menopausal women

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"who don't mind about giving up their urine

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"who will help with fertility drugs?"

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And it was the Vatican and he said,

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"I was lucky enough to have a unique connection

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"to an important authority with access to a huge supply of postmenopausal urine."

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See, they've got their bag, their colostomy bags.

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They're disguised as handbags, haven't they?

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-Boldly worn on the outside.

-Hiding in plain sight.

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Well, here's the thing that might interest you.

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Did you know that in the United States,

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it's now possible to rent a nun?

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No, but I'd say that might be becoming a thing world over,

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because there's bound to be a shortage.

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Well, we're busy. We're all very busy.

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We haven't got time to pray every day,

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so the Salesian Sisters of St John Bosco,

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they run an Adopt A Sister programme.

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You have to give about 500 for the sister's retirement needs

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and then she will pray for you every day, saving you the bother.

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Will she do light admin as well?

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Obviously, do the pray, do the pray, but also,

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if you could give the study a once over, that sort of thing.

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Do the laundry. They're great at the laundry.

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My favourite thing about nuns is the Robert Browning poem

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called Pippa Passes that was written in 1841,

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and it goes, "Owls and bats, cowls and twats,

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"Monks and nuns, in a cloister's moods,

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"Adjourn to the oak-stump pantry!"

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And it's funny because he was under the misapprehension

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that twat meant a nun's hat.

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Bit of a tight fit.

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"Am I wearing it back to front?"

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"Have you got a bigger one?"

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He said he got the word from a 1660 satirical poem

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called Vanity of Vanities,

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"They talked of his having a Cardinal's Hat,

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"They'd send him as soon an Old Nun's Twat".

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He thought that must mean hat.

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-Bless him.

-Bless.

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Now, this is the non sequiturs show and that's why, Alan,

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we're now going to hit you with a hammer.

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Bring on the nerd!

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APPLAUSE

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Steve is our resident nerd for tonight,

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he's from the science-cum-comedy group Festival of the Spoken Nerd

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and he is going to hit Alan with a hammer.

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So, the first thing is to wrap your hand in this orange goo.

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If you put your hand like that for me, I'm just going to wrap it.

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-I'm very trusting, aren't I?

-Yeah!

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Do you notice I'm not doing it?

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Yes, I had noticed that.

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If you just gently press it with your finger.

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Very soft. You wouldn't think that would afford any kind of protection

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-against the hammer.

-No.

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This is the point where I say don't try this at home, OK?

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-DEIDRE:

-Are you feeling anything there?

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How is it? Is there any pain or anything?

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A little bit.

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What is it, Steve, is it silly putty or something?

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It's not silly putty.

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So, don't try this at home with silly putty,

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-because you will break your fingers.

-What is it, then?

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This is called D3o, it's sort of a smart material.

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It's a non-Newtonian fluid.

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-A non-Newtonian fluid?

-Yes.

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OK, so you're going to have to start with, what is a Newtonian fluid?

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A Newtonian fluid is...

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Are you like this with your lover?

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Do not answer that question, Steve.

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So, Newton came up with some equations

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that describe how normal liquids and gases behave,

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but this doesn't behave like Newton described.

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It behaves as a normal liquid most of the time,

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but if you strike it, then the molecules lock together

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and momentarily form a solid that protects your fingers.

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You could make your own non-Newtonian at home?

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-You can.

-What would you do?

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Cornflour and water, if you mix that together.

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-Which is called?

-Oobleck.

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OK, so oobleck, after the gooey green rain

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in Dr Seuss's Bartholomew And The Oobleck.

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So, we have made some.

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We're going to try and do this as a demonstration.

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I have to just manipulate...

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This is a condom.

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I say that because somebody had to explain it to me earlier.

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She was walking around with it on her head for ages.

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You should have been here when she tried to make a giraffe.

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So, in here is a raw egg in its shell

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and we've got two condoms.

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One which has just got water and a raw egg,

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and I'm going to try and drop this from a great height.

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Just...

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OK. Are we ready?

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-Greater!

-Greater height.

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OK, so this one is just water,

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and I'm going to drop it into the QI frying pan. Are we ready?

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Here we go.

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-Whoa, that's broken.

-That was very pleasing. A very pleasing result.

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So, now, this is the theory.

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OK. The theory is that this one should survive.

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And there we go. The egg is fully intact.

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Fantastic. APPLAUSE

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Steve!

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CHEERING AND WHISTLING

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But seriously, don't hit anybody at home

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because you've made a bit of cornflour.

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-That was amazing.

-That's not a good idea.

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Now, would you want to be pulled off by a Newark man?

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-Yes.

-You would. You would.

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Newark in the Midlands or Newark, New Jersey?

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Newark, New Jersey.

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-Noo-wark, as they say.

-Ah, OK.

-So good they named it once.

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Yes. Just Newark. That's it.

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I can tell you, he was the Newark steam man.

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So, is this something to do with the train, your train,

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he pulls you off of your carriages?

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-In a yard?

-We're talking 1868.

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Two fantastic American inventors, one called Zadoc P Dederick.

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-There's a name.

-He was going to come up with something at some point.

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And Isaac Grass. And they invented the Newark steam man.

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He was intended to replace horses in pulling carriages,

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so what you did was you opened his jacket and you put coal in his chest

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-and then his top hat worked as a chimney.

-Ah. Brilliant.

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Oh, if only Abe Lincoln had been wearing one of them in the Ford Theatre.

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Unfortunately, they were never able to make them cheaply enough

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to produce on a large scale.

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It did absolutely capture the public imagination.

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There were loads and loads of similar ones.

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-Do you like them? I think they're great.

-Oh, wow.

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This is another prototype by Frank Reade Junior.

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Lots of people tried. There was a Canadian called George Moore

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and he designed one in 1893.

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It was 6-foot tall, steam powered, it was an android.

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It could walk 5mph and ejected the steam from his cigar.

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Journalists called him the Iron Man.

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Sadly he was made of tin, but that's journalists for you.

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-Did he have little wheels on his feet?

-This one had spurs.

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If you look at the bottom of his feet,

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he's got little spurs to give him traction.

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This one didn't work so well because he had to be attached to a pole

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and basically he just walked round in circles.

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He'd trip over things, wouldn't he?

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-Surely?

-Do you think horses felt in any way threatened by these things?

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"Have you seen what they're doing?

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"They put a hat on a chimney."

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I like the idea that the horses were running a closed shop.

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-Yeah.

-"Listen, we pull the stuff."

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That's their way of getting around the unions, essentially.

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Yes, an equine society, I like that.

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Deirdre, a better use of steam power,

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so causing more pleasure... for women in particular.

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Are you talking about some kind of steam-powered vibrator?

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I am! Yes.

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Not an iron. Ohhh!

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Ooh!

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That photograph does look like there was an iron taken to her there.

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If not flattened, you'd certainly take the crease out of it.

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APPLAUSE

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In 1869, OK,

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the very first steam-powered...

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Did it have a whistle on it?

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HE WHISTLES

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I can hear Queen Victoria now.

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"Summon Mr Brunel."

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"I'd like a word."

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Women did go and have this done in doctors' surgeries. They did.

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I don't know how anyone would have found it exciting

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because there was a coal-fired boiler and a turbine, OK?

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It was called the manipulator.

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-The manipulator!

-It was a respected medical instrument until the 1920s

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and certainly there was no end of women trying to get an appointment.

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Right.

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Queueing round the block.

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Now for something completely different.

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Could you please do an impression of a trout faking an orgasm?

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Oh, Deirdre's off.

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It looks like you had a really bad face-lift.

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-Well, I was trying to be a sarcastic trout.

-A sarcastic trout.

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-It'll be the gills, it would be like...

-A trout faking an orgasm.

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-Is that it?

-Yeah, I'm done.

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Yeah, no, yeah, yeah, the river moved for me as well.

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Anybody else want to show...

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You do a fine line in animal impersonations.

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Well, I'm not sure. I feel like I'd have to move my tail.

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-I'm sure the tail...

-I don't believe anybody is stopping you.

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If you've just tuned in,

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that was Alan being a trout faking an orgasm.

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The mouth open and the tail wiggling.

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APPLAUSE

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So, here's the thing, female trouts do fake orgasms, OK?

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When two trout prepare to spawn,

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they quiver rather violently

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before releasing egg and sperm respectively.

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So they did a study on this, 2001,

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and they found that 69 out of 117 pairings, so it is quite a lot...

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-Ironically.

-Yes, ironically, 69.

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..females did not release her eggs

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despite going through the quivering motions

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and tricking the mate into releasing his sperm.

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Why would she do this? It allows her to save herself for a better trout.

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-The one.

-It also allows

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multiple males to deposit sperm on her

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before she releases the eggs. So, you know when you open a trout,

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you can see if they've got eggs in, you know she was a faker.

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But also what I like about it,

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there's got to be a thing of trout etiquette, she's just going,

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"No offence, honestly, you tried," she says to the boy, "But...

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"Yeah, that wasn't quite up to scratch."

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You don't think of trout being choosy but they must be.

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-Yeah.

-I didn't know they could talk.

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So as this is non sequiturs,

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this doesn't lead me to wonder,

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why was Squirrel Nutkin such a lying bastard?

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I should know this because I've been to the Beatrix Potter Museum.

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-Have you? Where is it, the Lake District somewhere?

-Yes.

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It's quite good.

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-If you like Beatrix Potter, it's amazing.

-Yeah!

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So we've been talking about lying, faking orgasms.

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-It's to do with colour, is it?

-DEIDRE:

-Is it because he was ginger?

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Well, Squirrel Nutkin as you rightly point out was a red squirrel,

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but most other squirrels tend to pretend that

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they've buried their food to trick potential thieves.

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They dig a hole, they pretend to put a nut inside and cover it up,

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all the time, the nut is actually still in their mouth.

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And then they also re-cache,

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so they bury nuts and then they return to them soon afterwards,

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dig them up and bury them somewhere else.

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They sometimes do this five times with the same stash.

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But they did a study in 2008, almost a quarter of all squirrel burials,

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that's of food at some sites, not of each other...

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-..were fake.

-It's too late, you said squirrel burials so now...

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They're gorgeous but they're like...

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They're mainly unmarked but you do see little headstones occasionally.

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But here is the thing, there's been a debate since at least 1884

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and it rages on whether squirrels remember where they hide their nuts

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or whether they just hide as many as they can

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and then return to a likely place.

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Define "rages."

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Well, there have been studies since 1881.

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There was one in 1991, a study done at Princeton.

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Two...

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So, they don't have a conclusion.

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No. The thing is, it rages on.

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It rages on.

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There was a fantastic story about a squirrel in 2015.

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A squirrel got locked into the bar of Honeybourne Railway Club

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in Worcestershire for the day, OK?

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It got drunk and caused £300 worth of damage.

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So the club secretary, Sam Boulter, he said that

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all he could find was broken glass and bottles knocked off shelves.

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There was beer all over the floor,

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there was money and straws scattered everywhere

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and he found the culprit hiding behind a box of crisps looking, he said,

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"Unsteady...

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"..and worse for wear."

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And now it's time for a game of Pin The Tail On The Numbat.

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So you've got a card with a numbat on it and a tail and the other team,

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you can just watch, so you could have a cup of tea if you like.

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-So you've got some tea things.

-Oh, lovely.

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However, you're going to have to be blindfolded.

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This is QI so this is the blindfold that you're going to wear.

0:17:240:17:27

Who do you want to do the pinning?

0:17:270:17:29

-OK, so...

-These are weird.

0:17:290:17:31

But Phill is going to wear that as his blindfold.

0:17:310:17:35

These particular goggles mean that the person wearing them

0:17:350:17:38

sees the world upside down.

0:17:380:17:41

-Oh, weird.

-OK? So, if you...

0:17:410:17:43

Oh, my goodness.

0:17:430:17:44

-If you want to have...

-Oh, I haven't been like this since my 18th birthday.

0:17:460:17:50

If you want to have some idea at home what that is like,

0:17:510:17:54

we can flip the picture on the monitors.

0:17:540:17:56

That is what Alan is currently seeing.

0:17:560:17:58

And he is just going to give it a go.

0:17:580:18:00

I can't see the thing.

0:18:000:18:01

-Where is it?

-So... DEIRDRE:

-Wrong side of the board.

0:18:010:18:04

There it is. There.

0:18:040:18:06

-Oh, I can't... Oh!

-There's the zebra crossing.

0:18:060:18:10

-Does it make you feel unwell, Alan?

-Yeah, it does.

0:18:100:18:14

Hang on. Oh, this is really awful.

0:18:140:18:18

-Hang on, I think I've got it now.

-OK.

0:18:180:18:21

I'll go the other way. This is hard.

0:18:240:18:26

-I'm going to put it there.

-Well done.

0:18:280:18:31

APPLAUSE

0:18:310:18:33

Right, Phill, pour a cup of tea for Deirdre, please.

0:18:350:18:38

Sugar, upside-down Irish lady?

0:18:380:18:41

-Just the tea.

-Oh, good.

0:18:410:18:44

It's really weird.

0:18:440:18:46

Oh, Nelly Furtado.

0:18:460:18:49

Oh! Mummy.

0:18:500:18:53

So that's it upside down.

0:18:530:18:56

To the left, to the left, to the left, to the left.

0:18:560:18:58

I don't know, don't talk to me!

0:18:580:19:00

-Yes.

-What does it feel like, Phill?

0:19:090:19:13

Glastonbury 2000.

0:19:130:19:15

APPLAUSE

0:19:170:19:20

Oh, oh, ohh...

0:19:220:19:25

Are you getting used to it?

0:19:250:19:27

-Well done. Just...

-Go for it.

-Yes!

-Yes.

0:19:270:19:30

Yes. Yes!

0:19:300:19:32

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:19:320:19:34

Fantastic.

0:19:340:19:36

So, here's the thing, what is extraordinary, in a sense,

0:19:390:19:43

the goggles are actually correcting your vision,

0:19:430:19:45

because your eyeballs, of course, deliver upside-down images

0:19:450:19:48

to your retinas which then are inverted by the brain.

0:19:480:19:51

So upside-down glasses actually show you the image

0:19:510:19:55

as it originally is when it hits your retina.

0:19:550:19:57

If you wore them for a sustained period of time,

0:19:570:20:00

the brain would adjust to the new vision.

0:20:000:20:02

You would learn to function with it.

0:20:020:20:03

It would take you a couple of weeks.

0:20:030:20:05

And then it would take you a full day

0:20:050:20:07

when you took them off to readjust.

0:20:070:20:08

And there's some thought that new-born babies,

0:20:080:20:11

it's possible they see the world upside down for a short period

0:20:110:20:14

before their brain learns to flip the image in the retinas.

0:20:140:20:17

I mean, we do know for certain that babies see things

0:20:170:20:20

in much more detail than we do,

0:20:200:20:21

so a baby that is less than six months old can recognise

0:20:210:20:24

different monkeys just by their faces alone.

0:20:240:20:27

And as we get older, we can only do that with human faces,

0:20:270:20:30

it's called perceptional narrowing.

0:20:300:20:31

We lose that gift quite early on.

0:20:310:20:33

They also have the capacity to learn four million languages or something, don't they?

0:20:330:20:36

-Yeah.

-But they just don't bother.

0:20:360:20:40

-They can't be arsed.

-Eventually they can barely speak English.

0:20:400:20:44

I like the idea of playing Pin The Tail On A Numbat.

0:20:440:20:46

Anyone know where they are? Where they live? Numbats?

0:20:460:20:48

-Australia?

-Australia. Small Australian marsupial.

0:20:480:20:52

They eat 20,000 termites a day.

0:20:520:20:55

They're generally rather quiet but if they are disturbed,

0:20:550:20:58

they make a tutting noise.

0:20:580:21:00

"What did you do that for, Craig?"

0:21:000:21:03

"I'm trying to sleep off my termites."

0:21:030:21:07

But they sleep for as much as 15 hours a day.

0:21:070:21:09

They have the most ingenious way of protecting their burrow.

0:21:090:21:11

They climb in head first and then they reverse out,

0:21:110:21:15

they've got rather a tough bottom

0:21:150:21:16

and they reverse out till it wedges the entrance shut.

0:21:160:21:19

Yes.

0:21:200:21:21

It prevents MOST predators wanting to come in.

0:21:240:21:26

And they've evolved so much that as they reverse out of their burrow,

0:21:270:21:30

-they go...

-HE MIMICS REVERSING LORRY BEEPING

0:21:300:21:33

"Numbat reversing. Numbat reversing."

0:21:330:21:38

Right, let's put your props away, please.

0:21:390:21:41

Goodbye, numbat!

0:21:410:21:44

Go down into your hole.

0:21:440:21:45

Now, for a question on nutritional networking.

0:21:470:21:49

What's the first rule of fat club?

0:21:490:21:51

Well...

0:21:510:21:53

I'm not allowed to say.

0:21:550:21:57

Don't talk about fat club?

0:21:570:22:00

SIREN WAILS

0:22:000:22:02

CHEERING

0:22:020:22:03

Do we think it's a real thing, fat club?

0:22:070:22:09

-What do you reckon, Deirdre?

-There probably is a fat club.

0:22:090:22:11

Well, there were, is the thing.

0:22:110:22:13

They existed all over the United States in the late 1800s

0:22:130:22:16

and the early 1900s.

0:22:160:22:18

-My brothers!

-To be a member, you had to be at least 200lb.

0:22:180:22:22

-So that's, what is that? 14st...

-Lightweight.

0:22:220:22:25

14st 3. And if you weren't heavy enough to attend,

0:22:250:22:27

you were not allowed to come in.

0:22:270:22:29

14st 4.

0:22:290:22:31

-What's that?

-200lb.

0:22:310:22:34

-Yeah, you're right.

-If you're on 14st 4 and you go to the loo,

0:22:340:22:36

you might come out at 14st 3.

0:22:360:22:39

It was really popular.

0:22:390:22:40

The New England fat men's club had 10,000 members at its peak.

0:22:400:22:46

The meetings involved really huge meals,

0:22:460:22:49

followed by physical activity such as leapfrog.

0:22:490:22:52

And then we all gather round the defibrillator.

0:22:560:22:59

"My turn!"

0:23:000:23:02

Britain had them and if you didn't weigh enough, in Britain,

0:23:020:23:05

you had to pay a fine to charity.

0:23:050:23:07

We've still got them, they're called schools.

0:23:070:23:09

GROANING AND SHOCKED LAUGHTER

0:23:090:23:11

Satire, come on!

0:23:130:23:14

And you could buy things for obese people at the time.

0:23:140:23:16

You could buy spring-loaded roller-skates

0:23:160:23:19

and the boost provided by the spring depended on the weight on it.

0:23:190:23:22

So a 150lb person could get moving at 6mph

0:23:220:23:25

but a 200lb person would reach 10mph.

0:23:250:23:27

The fatter you were, the faster you would go.

0:23:270:23:30

And if you were under 100lb, the skates just...

0:23:300:23:32

-Nothing. Nothing happening.

-Do you not feel that this is just a way of

0:23:320:23:35

exterminating the fat?

0:23:350:23:38

If you weighed 300lb, you went at 70mph into an oncoming train.

0:23:380:23:43

The first rule of fat club is that you have to be fat.

0:23:450:23:48

And now, the bit of the non sequiturs show

0:23:480:23:50

where nothing follows.

0:23:500:23:52

General ignorance. Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:23:520:23:55

Who's in charge in a pack of wolves?

0:23:550:23:58

-Miles?

-The one in the hat.

0:23:590:24:01

Is there not one?

0:24:050:24:06

Yeah. They used to think that a pack of wolves had an alpha male

0:24:060:24:10

who's won through a contest or a rivalry or something.

0:24:100:24:12

In reality, most wolf packs are just families

0:24:120:24:14

and the leaders of those families are the parents.

0:24:140:24:17

The concept of the alpha male was popularised by a wildlife biologist

0:24:170:24:20

called David Mech in the 1960s.

0:24:200:24:22

He has spent the rest of his career

0:24:220:24:23

trying to convince people he was wrong.

0:24:230:24:27

Yes. It was based on a study of captive wolves

0:24:280:24:30

where natural behaviour goes completely out of the window.

0:24:300:24:33

Now, do an impression of a gun with a silencer being fired.

0:24:330:24:38

Pfff.

0:24:380:24:39

SIREN WAILS

0:24:420:24:44

APPLAUSE

0:24:440:24:48

Phill?

0:24:520:24:53

(Bang.)

0:24:530:24:54

No. They cannot eliminate the sound of a gun.

0:24:560:24:58

They don't even call them silencers these days.

0:24:580:25:00

They're called moderators in the UK, suppressors in the United States.

0:25:000:25:04

They can easily be heard if used in public,

0:25:040:25:06

so criminals never bother with the silencer.

0:25:060:25:09

Now, what did Tommy Cooper wear on his head?

0:25:090:25:12

-Let me...

-CHOPPING

0:25:130:25:14

Thank you. A fez.

0:25:140:25:17

SIREN WAILS

0:25:170:25:18

No, a fez comes from Turkey, his came from Egypt.

0:25:230:25:26

It's called a tarboosh. And they're slightly different.

0:25:260:25:28

A fez is a little bit shorter than a tarboosh.

0:25:280:25:30

-It's a bit wider at the base...

-It can affect your gait.

0:25:300:25:33

It can affect your...!

0:25:330:25:35

They are very, very heavy hats.

0:25:390:25:41

Always bend at the knee.

0:25:430:25:46

Apparently, Cooper was entertaining the troops in Cairo

0:25:460:25:49

and he'd forgotten his helmet that he always wore onstage,

0:25:490:25:51

so he swiped it off a waiter's head.

0:25:510:25:53

And, this is a lovely story, later in life,

0:25:530:25:55

he tried one on in a Cairo market

0:25:550:25:57

and the seller, who didn't recognise him, said, "Just like that."

0:25:570:26:00

And Cooper said, "Why did you say that?"

0:26:000:26:02

And the seller said, "Because every single English person

0:26:020:26:05

"who ever comes here..."

0:26:050:26:06

"..tries one and says that,

0:26:090:26:10

"and you're the very first person who hasn't said it."

0:26:100:26:13

Strictly speaking, of course, it shouldn't even be called a hat,

0:26:140:26:16

it's actually a cap because a hat has a rim and a cap has no rim.

0:26:160:26:20

Now, to finish off, a spelling test.

0:26:200:26:22

You'll see a series of true facts on the screen and I want you to buzz

0:26:220:26:25

as quickly as you can to tell me which is the correct spelling, A or B.

0:26:250:26:29

So let's have a look.

0:26:290:26:30

-Which one is correct?

-A is correct.

0:26:340:26:36

A is correct, very, very good.

0:26:360:26:38

OK, next one.

0:26:380:26:39

-Yes.

-A.

0:26:450:26:47

A is correct. Very, very good.

0:26:470:26:48

And let's look at the next one.

0:26:480:26:50

-Yes?

-B.

-You think B is true?

0:26:560:26:59

SIREN WAILS

0:26:590:27:01

-No, nobody died.

-No.

-A horse died, didn't he?

0:27:010:27:04

Nobody died, but somebody was dyed, is the truth of it.

0:27:040:27:08

So it's often claimed that an extra was trampled underfoot

0:27:080:27:11

in the Charlton Heston film, not true.

0:27:110:27:13

But a man was dyed, D-Y-E-D on the set.

0:27:130:27:16

They had a pond and the water was too brown and murky

0:27:160:27:20

so they put loads of blue dye in it.

0:27:200:27:22

And during one of the battle scenes, an extra fell in and...

0:27:220:27:26

was dyed blue, and generously,

0:27:260:27:30

MGM kept him on the payroll until he returned to his normal colour.

0:27:300:27:35

And that brings me to the scores. Oh, well.

0:27:430:27:45

It's rather magnificent. In first place,

0:27:450:27:46

with an astonishing two points,

0:27:460:27:49

it's Miles!

0:27:490:27:50

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:27:500:27:52

In second place with a very creditable minus 2, Alan.

0:27:560:27:59

Oh, thank you.

0:27:590:28:01

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:010:28:02

With minus 5 in third place, it's Phill.

0:28:040:28:07

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:070:28:08

Deirdre, the nuns would be proud.

0:28:110:28:13

Minus 16!

0:28:130:28:16

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:160:28:17

It only remains for me to thank Deirdre, Phill, Miles and Alan

0:28:250:28:28

and I leave you with this from the Sunday Correspondent.

0:28:280:28:30

Jack Rains, a candidate for governor of Texas,

0:28:300:28:33

has come up with his own ten-point educational plan

0:28:330:28:36

to combat innumeracy and illiteracy in the US.

0:28:360:28:40

When someone pointed out that his plan only contained nine points,

0:28:400:28:45

Mr Rains replied, "You just pointed your finger

0:28:450:28:47

"and emphasised the problem we're trying to resolve."

0:28:470:28:51

Good night.

0:28:510:28:52

APPLAUSE

0:28:520:28:54

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