Episode 1 Scot Squad


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Episode 1

Spoof comedy following the first Unified Scottish Police Force. Traffic officers Surjit Singh and Hugh McKirdy get a rude awakening. Chief Miekelson selects a modern playlist.


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Transcript


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Coming up... Major nudity...

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Have we caught you at a bad time?

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..graphic language...

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Look at that van. Does that say "prick"?

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..and scenes of a bedroom nature.

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Can you scratch my pinky?

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No, no.

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Extreme situations that call for an extreme police response.

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Dream team, dream team!

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This is...Scot Squad.

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Scotland's cops are constantly adapting to combat crime.

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One man fully clued up on the evolution of the crime-fighter

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is the Charles Darwin of law enforcement,

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Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.

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Oh, the force has changed considerably since I joined.

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A few years ago now, I can tell you! But for the better.

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You know, we're better equipped, it's fairer.

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The young recruits now, they're fitter,

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they're faster, they're leaner.

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They're not taller, I'll give you that, they are not taller.

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And maybe,

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if you were to push me, call me old-fashioned,

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but I think the only thing I regret about modern policing is getting rid

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of the height restriction. You know, I think, look,

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I think there's just something,

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there's a certain gravitas, isn't there?

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With a gentleman over six feet tall, you know?

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You're not any less of a man if you're under 5' 8" -

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although, TECHNICALLY, you are,

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there is just simply less of you.

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It's a question of authority.

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Look.

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Who's taking this guy seriously?

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But, other than that, the force has definitely improved.

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On the big city streets,

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the best are taking the concept of policing better to bigger heights.

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Street cops Sarah Fletcher

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and Jack McLaren are using the full force of fairness.

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It's important to be inclusive in the police force

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and be nonjudgemental about people's lifestyles, religion, backgrounds,

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all that sort of thing,

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even the most, kind of... confusing circumstances.

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We were responding to a burglary and we were firstly confronted

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with a moody teenager.

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Mum, it's the police.

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And then down the stairs came...

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the owner of the house.

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Good afternoon, police officers,

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thank you so much for coming, thank you.

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'And she was naked.'

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I've seen more naked women than most, I would imagine,

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but it was still, still a shock when you're not expecting it.

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Usually I expect or instigate it, but it was a shock.

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Do you want me to put some clothes on?

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-No, if that's how...

-Are you sure?

-Ah, yeah...

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I can easily put some clothes on if you're embarrassed.

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If you're comfortable...

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I'm very comfortable like this, this is me all the time.

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If you're uncomfortable, I'll put some clothes on.

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Are you a naturist, is that what you do?

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-Yes.

-Yes.

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-Are you OK with that?

-Cool, yes.

-That's fine.

-Good.

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-So, you've had a break-in.

-Yes.

-Yes.

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So, if you want to take us to where the break-in...

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-Yeah, if you just want to...

-Where they entered.

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-..want to come this way?

-Uh-huh.

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When you're in someone's surroundings and you're invited in,

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you need to be as comfortable as they are

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and make them feel comfortable, so if she's in the buff,

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we've not necessarily got to get into the buff,

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but we've got to be comfortable with that.

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But we'd always take our hats off entering someone's house,

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-but that's as far as I'm certainly prepared to go.

-Aye.

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So, in here you maybe think, did they come from up there or...?

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-No, I don't.

-No, no, over here.

-Let me just show you.

-Right, OK.

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-Just over here.

-Yeah.

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And that scratch, that wasn't there before?

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Do you see any fingerprints?

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No, no, at the minute.

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Do you need a hand or anything, Jack? No.

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And then down here.

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In here, if you look. Oh, sorry, I touched that.

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No, that, that's OK.

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If you look down in there, there's DVDs.

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DVDs, right.

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A naked ambition to serve his community

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is something Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie has in spades.

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From pounding the pavement...

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..to nailing noise nuisance.

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I'll just pump it up a bit, come on.

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Don't pump anything up.

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Always keen to assist,

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ever ready to wade in and lend a hand.

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In my job, you need to always be ready to help people at all times.

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Help!

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-Two secs, sir, I'm just coming for you.

-Cheers.

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-Are you OK, sir?

-No, mate, listen, I need your help,

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it's the first in the right, mate, the door's open.

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So, I rushed into action.

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It transpired that this man had broken both his legs, you know,

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he was bedbound, so I went into the house

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and I offered my assistance to him.

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Mate, gonnae dae us a favour?

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-Oh, of course, sir.

-Gonnae... My telly remote, I cannae reach it.

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Oh, OK. Sorry, sorry, I'm Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie.

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-Volunteer?

-Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie.

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Can you, are your arms OK?

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Good for you, mate.

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-Aargh!

-Oh, God, don't move, don't move, are you OK?

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I cannae move, mate.

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-What happened to you?

-Work, work-related, aye.

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I get very sore legs as well in my job.

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I'm walking around a lot.

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Aye.

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There you go.

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-Good man.

-There you go.

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Just watch that, watch that apple juice down there, mate.

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-OK. Apple juice.

-It's not apple juice, but...!

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That's, that's, that's no' apple juice, mate.

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TV TURNS ON

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Can you scratch my pinky? It's really, really itchy.

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-My pinky toe.

-Scratch it?

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-Aye... No, no, no! No wi' your finger.

-Oh, sorry, sorry.

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There's colour pencils or something, or a fork,

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-I don't know, whatever you can get.

-A fork.

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-Just bang right in about it.

-There's plenty of things, anyway.

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Plenty of stuff you could podger it wi', mate.

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Just find a wee podger.

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-Go for it, mate.

-You wanting the rubber or the lead?

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-Lead, wee pointy bit.

-Sure?

-Gie it some of that.

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-It might be quite sore.

-That's you, up and down, up and down.

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In about it.

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Oh, yes.

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Jimmy that action about it.

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Oh, 'ere your dinner.

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I mean, if you're no' too busy, could...?

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A wee cup of tea, mate, the kitchen's just through there.

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Honestly, honestly, I really appreciate this.

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-That's no worries at all.

-Thank you.

-No worries at all, sir.

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-Straight through, mate.

-OK.

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No problem is too big or too small for Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar.

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And when it comes to problems,

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whether she finds that problem herself...

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All right, Officer Karen?

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..or the problem finds her...

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Where do you want these?

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Do you want them there or behind the desk?

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Or I'll put them in the toilet.

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..she always makes the right call.

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Thanks very much, sir, bye-bye.

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-All right, Officer Karen?

-How are we doing, Bobby?

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Look, I was wondering, I'm in a rush today, I was wondering

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if you could help us put my flyers up for my new business model.

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-Oh, right.

-I know how you're always saying, like, get motivated,

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positive thoughts lead to positive thinking, all that kind of stuff.

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-Yeah.

-So, can you put that up in the station,

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maybe put that down there for the customers?

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"Bobby Muir's speaking clock."

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-Yeah.

-OK.

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So, what kind of business is that going to be?

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-Well, basically, see when you pick up your phone, right?

-Uh-huh.

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-See if you dial that number?

-Yeah.

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I'll tell you the time.

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But I'll have a wee chat with you as well.

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OK, I mean, that's a nice...

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That's a nice, kind of, positive suggestion.

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I'm not sure exactly where the,

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where the moneymaking element is in that particular business model.

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It's baby steps, innit?

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I was also thinking as well, like, see if you wanted to stop smoking

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and you couldnae stop, then I hang about with you

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and every time you go to smoke I, like, slap it out your hand.

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But I wouldn't do it like bad, I'd be like, "What you smoking for?

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"Eh? I thought you wanted to stop."

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And then I was thinking about having, like,

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you know how all these kind of fancy places are starting to open up?

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So, like, punting gravy.

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Because I love gravy.

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A gravy restaurant?

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No, a gravy van, like, driving about in a van and just punt it.

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Or a cinema pal, like, you know how sometimes you go to the cinema

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and, you know, you've no' got a pal?

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Well, if you phone my number,

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I would be your pal, I'll go the cinema with you.

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I mean, yeah, that's a nice idea.

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I mean, you're probably going to find that you're only going

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to be able to have one customer at a time, so you'd probably have

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to charge them quite a lot. Because, you know,

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what you're looking for is strong income potential,

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a good, strong income stream, and that means that you're busy,

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you're out there, out THERE,

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doing business outside, you know, and that's great.

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Thank you very much, Officer Karen.

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I'm going to go away and honest to God, right, I swear,

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see the next time you see me?

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I'm going to be a millionaire.

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In that case, I'll probably not see you tomorrow.

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And I don't forget my pals, Officer Karen, so I'll see you later,

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-all right?

-See you later, Bobby.

-Bye. See you, Officer Karen.

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In today's Scotland,

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not only do the Scottish Police Force deal with today's criminal,

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they must recruit to stay ahead of the criminal of tomorrow's world,

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a world that is already here today.

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My name's Archie Pepper.

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I'm the head of the force's...

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Let me get this right -

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our Covert Inadvertent Alert Investigation unit.

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It's a unit. I'm the head of the unit.

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Basically, if some fanny commits a crime and then

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brags about on Facebook, I take screenshots.

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You do need certain qualifications,

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but it's a little different, what I do.

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Yeah, I didn't go to, like, police academy or anything like that.

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Or police university or...

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I went to the university of hard knocks.

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You know, Dundee.

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I did graphic design.

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But I didn't just walk out of uni into the job. I had a job before.

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You know, I was an ice cream correspondent for BuzzFeed.

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But, you know, there's parallels.

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Ten reasons mint chocolate chip is an underrated ice cream flavour,

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ten reasons your Uncle Barry's a roaster and he's getting the jail.

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You know?

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The good thing is, you don't need official qualifications

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when people are just going to write on Facebook,

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"Just robbed the bank, lol."

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You just take a screenshot and get on with your day.

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Back at the butt-naked break-in,

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Officers McLaren and Fletcher hope that the evidence

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reveals as much as the victims.

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There was some DVDs of whatever nature

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and the laptop, most importantly, which was...

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Contained a lot of holiday photos

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and personal family photos.

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Which are all going to look the same because of,

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obviously, in the scud.

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-We haven't touched anything.

-Oh, there's another one.

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-Is this your...? This is your...?

-This is, this is Jack.

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-Hello, officers, thanks for coming.

-Hi.

-Jack.

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-Nice to meet you.

-Yeah.

-Nice to meet you, Jack.

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I'm Jack too, yeah.

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That's where the similarities end.

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Do you want a wee bite to eat or anything?

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No, absolutely fine, we'll just get this investigated.

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And then, I don't know what's happened with this.

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'Then there was a broken vase on the table that had blood on it,'

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which we established pretty quickly wasn't their blood.

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-Definitely not your blood?

-Definitely.

-No.

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That's brilliant news because that's Soco.

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-Who's Soco?

-Scenes of Crime, different department than us,

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-so that's not our jurisdiction. It's not us.

-We're just bodies that,

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I mean, we're people that go on the...

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Scenes of Crime can go in there and do their stuff, find DNA,

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which was a proper result for us.

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I mean, we could, we could get to, cos it's another department.

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So... Oh, there's a wee hair there as well.

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-Is that..?

-Oh, that's not one of ours either.

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-Oh, no.

-Possibly it might be?

-Not mine, definitely not.

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Maybe you should have had a wee shave this morning, then, Jack!

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We'll get that seen to as well so it'll rule out

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if it's anything to do with either of you.

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-Thanks very much for your help.

-Thanks a lot, have a nice day.

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-Nice to meet you, bye.

-Like me to help you there?

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-Yeah, you put them back.

-OK, cheers.

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We like to think that in every circumstance we treat everyone

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equally and we will handle everyone in the same way.

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Meanwhile, the clean-up continues for Beattie.

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I ended up cleaning for him because he was incredibly messy, you know,

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there was stuff everywhere.

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You're doing a grand job, Kenny boy.

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-Cheers, man.

-Thank you.

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I do the washing for the prostitutes once a month.

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They bring all their laundry to me.

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So that's why I'm so good at ironing.

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So, I was hoovering and ironing and washing, you know,

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just general police work, really.

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Nice smell off that, innit?

0:13:090:13:12

Yeah, it is, actually.

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So, tell me, what exactly is it you do for work?

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Well, just kind of like, used to do deliveries and that.

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Deliveries for a Chinese or Indian?

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I'm quite partial to a Chinese.

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No, like deals and that.

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Deals?

0:13:300:13:31

Like...

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watches or socks?

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Drugs.

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Excuse me?

0:13:410:13:42

Aye, drugs.

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(Drugs?)

0:13:460:13:47

Dru...?

0:13:480:13:49

You're a...?

0:13:490:13:50

It turned out that he was a drug dealer,

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which was quite a shock to me.

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You know, I'd been helping a drug dealer,

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something I never thought would have happened.

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Oh, my God, I can't believe

0:14:000:14:02

I've been cleaning up after you, you scumbag!

0:14:020:14:05

A drug dealer?!

0:14:050:14:06

There you go, how do you like that?

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I've been running around after you.

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Then his mother came back.

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Give me that. Don't touch that.

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There you go. Try and watch the TV now, Mr Drug...

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-FRONT DOOR OPENS

-That's me in, son!

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What's going on here?

0:14:190:14:21

I'm Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie.

0:14:210:14:23

-Right.

-Pleasure to meet you.

0:14:230:14:25

Do you think?

0:14:250:14:26

What are you doing here?

0:14:280:14:30

Well, I was helping your son tidy up your house, actually.

0:14:300:14:34

-Trying to say I've got a dirty house?

-I'll tell you something,

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your son...

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(is a drug dealer.)

0:14:390:14:41

Aye.

0:14:410:14:42

How do you think his legs got broken?

0:14:430:14:45

Ma maw chucked me down the stair.

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Turns out she actually pushed him down the stairs.

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And she threatened to do something quite similar to me, so...

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Ended up staying for another five hours,

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cleaning up the house some more.

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Maybe I'll think twice about helping someone,

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because anyone could be a drug dealer.

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That's what I've learned from that.

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-I

-could be a drug dealer.

0:15:080:15:10

I'm definitely not a drug dealer.

0:15:110:15:13

Well, of course,

0:15:130:15:15

I can only enforce the laws that are currently in place, you know.

0:15:150:15:18

The law is fluid.

0:15:180:15:20

For instance, at the moment, alcohol is legal,

0:15:200:15:23

cannabis is illegal.

0:15:230:15:25

That could change. Currently, there's a prohibition on cannabis.

0:15:250:15:29

America's the example.

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There used to be prohibition on alcohol.

0:15:300:15:32

It's told in The Untouchables, you'll remember the film.

0:15:320:15:35

Big Sean, the Irish-American cop.

0:15:350:15:38

Remember the line, "He puts one of yours in the hospital,

0:15:380:15:41

"you put one of his in the morgue."

0:15:410:15:43

Classic, old-school policing, I like to say.

0:15:430:15:46

And then, of course, at the end of that movie, the wee lad's saying,

0:15:460:15:49

"Elliott, Elliott, we might be repealing prohibition."

0:15:490:15:53

He goes, "Well, I'll have a drink, then."

0:15:530:15:56

That could be us tomorrow.

0:15:560:15:57

Cannabis could be legal.

0:15:570:16:00

Now, do I immediately spark up a big doobie?

0:16:000:16:03

Unlikely.

0:16:030:16:04

But never say never.

0:16:050:16:07

A breaking crime situation is escalating.

0:16:070:16:11

It's time for Archie Pepper, covert cop...

0:16:110:16:14

Screenshot, you're going down.

0:16:140:16:17

..to infiltrate the web and penetrate the cyber wall.

0:16:170:16:21

OK, so we just got word through that there's been a robbery

0:16:210:16:24

at a jewellery shop, and a diamond necklace has gone missing.

0:16:240:16:27

So down on the ground they'll be trying to, you know,

0:16:270:16:30

run around, putting up wanted posters, whatever they do.

0:16:300:16:33

Easiest way, just...

0:16:330:16:34

Just start searching online, you know.

0:16:360:16:37

Keywords - diamonds, necklace.

0:16:370:16:41

Certain things just pop up now and again.

0:16:410:16:43

You know, like...

0:16:430:16:45

"Spoiled again, he knows me so well," that kind of thing.

0:16:450:16:47

Just start peppering that search bar with words like that.

0:16:470:16:51

Let's go...

0:16:510:16:52

lucky girl...

0:16:520:16:54

diamonds...

0:16:540:16:56

OK, so, what have we got here?

0:16:560:16:58

"Diamonds fae bae." Cheryl Duncan, there you go.

0:16:590:17:02

Picture of the necklace. Let's find out who bae is.

0:17:020:17:04

Give me five minutes, I reckon I'll crack this, honestly,

0:17:040:17:07

it's an absolute piece of piss, you'd be amazed.

0:17:070:17:09

Eh up, here we go, man in a suit,

0:17:090:17:11

he's got his arm round her in a way that suggests

0:17:110:17:13

they're not blood relations or casual acquaintances.

0:17:130:17:16

I think it's your bog-standard bae, that's such a bae photo.

0:17:170:17:21

Let's get them.

0:17:210:17:22

OK, John, what's his name? John?

0:17:220:17:24

He is bae, we've got bae.

0:17:240:17:26

There we go, John Osborne.

0:17:260:17:28

Let's add him.

0:17:280:17:29

Here we go, John, straight away again.

0:17:290:17:31

100% record, there we go.

0:17:310:17:33

There he is, just checked in at Kreme Krunch.

0:17:330:17:36

Two minutes ago.

0:17:360:17:37

So I'll just get on the phone, get the boys to go and sort him out.

0:17:370:17:40

Check yourself into the jail, John,

0:17:400:17:42

you're going down for a very long time.

0:17:420:17:44

Yeah, that's just one way of doing it.

0:17:440:17:47

Most of my time is spent just sitting here

0:17:470:17:49

waiting for people to hand themselves in.

0:17:490:17:51

You know, don't call me a hero, these people are clowns.

0:17:510:17:54

Scotland's ring roads can be a circus of shoddy driving.

0:17:560:18:00

Road ringmasters Hugh McKirdy and Surjit Singh

0:18:000:18:03

have the street skills to fix the fuss.

0:18:030:18:07

-That's no' your motor.

-I'm 18, I've had it for a year.

0:18:070:18:09

-You're 18?

-Aye!

-You're about ten year old, wee man.

0:18:090:18:11

Inspecting the unacceptable, spotting the signs.

0:18:110:18:15

Honestly, you see some sights when you're patrolling about the streets.

0:18:150:18:19

Look at that van. Does that say...?

0:18:190:18:21

-That say "prick" at the back of that van?

-Yep.

0:18:210:18:23

'This van wasn't any normal type of van.'

0:18:230:18:27

It had been absolutely abused.

0:18:270:18:29

-Look, he's got more written on the side.

-"Arsehole shagger".

0:18:290:18:32

-Aye, pull over.

-Cannae have that round about here.

0:18:320:18:35

SIREN

0:18:350:18:36

Excuse me, sir. You'll need to come to the side of the road.

0:18:370:18:40

-Come out of your van.

-OK.

0:18:400:18:41

It's just about that offensive wordage on the side of you.

0:18:410:18:44

Oh, right. Oh, aye, that.

0:18:440:18:45

-"Arsehole shagger".

-Aye.

0:18:450:18:47

All right, want to come and explain this?

0:18:470:18:50

It's fine, it's easy to explain, really.

0:18:500:18:52

It's the wife that's done this.

0:18:520:18:55

Right, the wife.

0:18:550:18:57

-Your wife?

-My wife? Yeah, THE wife. My wife.

0:18:570:19:00

It's got her written all over it, to be honest.

0:19:000:19:03

Shagger, prick, slimeball.

0:19:030:19:06

-Prick.

-She calling you a shagger?

0:19:060:19:08

-She calling herself a...?

-Aye, me, me. That's me.

0:19:080:19:10

-You're the shagger?

-I'm the shagger.

0:19:100:19:12

Why's she calling you that?

0:19:120:19:14

Well...

0:19:140:19:15

I've been playing away from home a wee bit, you know.

0:19:150:19:18

Well, it was with her sister.

0:19:180:19:20

-What?

-Yeah, aye, I know.

0:19:200:19:23

Hold on, you've been having an affair with your...

0:19:230:19:26

-wife's sister?

-Yeah, yeah. I'm the shagger.

0:19:260:19:28

-Your sister-in-law?

-Yes.

0:19:280:19:30

I love women, I love the female form, you know.

0:19:300:19:34

-Your trousers are all ripped up.

-Aye, she did that as well.

0:19:340:19:37

She didn't stop at the van.

0:19:370:19:39

Have you no' got a spare pair of trousers

0:19:390:19:41

you could have wore the day?

0:19:410:19:42

-She's kind of done it to all of them.

-All your clothes are...?

-Aye.

0:19:420:19:45

How'd you manage to get all these..? How'd you get these...?

0:19:450:19:48

I've got good people skills, I'm quite a charmer.

0:19:480:19:51

-As easy as that?

-Aye.

0:19:510:19:53

Very charismatic.

0:19:530:19:54

We did advise him to take his van back to his house.

0:19:560:19:59

There's no way we could let him drive about the streets

0:19:590:20:01

with that bad language on the side of his van.

0:20:010:20:03

That isnae as offensive as prick.

0:20:030:20:06

Superheroes named after rats.

0:20:060:20:09

-Aye.

-You don't get superheroes named after pricks.

0:20:090:20:11

Is it Roland Rat?

0:20:110:20:13

Right, you've no' got Roland Prick.

0:20:130:20:15

No, no, that would just be inappropriate.

0:20:150:20:17

To be honest, we can't have this on the road.

0:20:170:20:19

Have you got another mode of transport, by any chance?

0:20:190:20:21

I've got a car back at the house.

0:20:210:20:24

OK, let's get you back to your house.

0:20:240:20:27

-See youse there?

-Yeah, we'll be right behind you.

0:20:270:20:29

The Scottish Police Force command centre

0:20:320:20:34

provides the essential info Scotland needs.

0:20:340:20:38

Old people smell, it's just not a police matter.

0:20:380:20:42

Maggie LeBeau gives crucial advice to the public

0:20:420:20:45

so that they can sleep safe in the knowledge

0:20:450:20:48

that that knowledge is keeping them safe.

0:20:480:20:52

I feel really sorry for people who get caught out by scams,

0:20:520:20:55

I really do. But the simple rule is,

0:20:550:20:58

don't give your credit details out over the phone.

0:20:580:21:01

Often you'll get a "celebrity" phoning you, you know,

0:21:010:21:05

it's Will.I.am phoning to say he wants you on The Voice,

0:21:050:21:07

and he's spinning in his chair as he speaks to you.

0:21:070:21:10

Don't believe him. We find that celebrities rarely call the public.

0:21:100:21:14

They're just not interested in the public,

0:21:140:21:17

so just remember that.

0:21:170:21:19

You're not interesting, you're a no-one,

0:21:190:21:22

you're not lucky, you're not a winner.

0:21:220:21:25

Remember that, and you'll do fine.

0:21:250:21:28

Today, a very important entry in the diary, seeing the PM.

0:21:280:21:32

Not the Prime Minister.

0:21:320:21:34

The pipe major.

0:21:340:21:36

Because, amongst my myriad of duties, I have to personally choose

0:21:360:21:39

and approve of all of the tunes the police pipe band play

0:21:390:21:42

when they enter a competition.

0:21:420:21:44

And the boys have a big competition coming this weekend,

0:21:440:21:46

so I'm going to listen. I'm going to do it right here,

0:21:460:21:49

make the choices right in this room,

0:21:490:21:50

so that I don't lose any valuable desk time.

0:21:500:21:53

A JAUNTY REEL

0:21:530:21:56

Some of them choose themselves, of course.

0:22:010:22:03

I'm particularly partial to Highland Laddie.

0:22:030:22:05

Mhairi's Wedding, it's a bit on the nose, but you can't do without it.

0:22:050:22:11

The Hills Of Kintail, of course, spectacular.

0:22:110:22:13

But I'm thinking of throwing a curveball this year,

0:22:130:22:17

mixing things up and maybe seeing

0:22:170:22:19

if the lad can do something contemporary.

0:22:190:22:21

PIPER PLAYS SINGLE LADIES BY BEYONCE

0:22:210:22:24

Cracking. Keeper, keeper.

0:22:330:22:35

From Single Ladies to the ladies' man,

0:22:490:22:52

the cops move to replace the defaced vehicle,

0:22:520:22:55

so this cheat in the sheets can get back on the streets.

0:22:550:22:59

Yeah, it's not good, is it?

0:22:590:23:01

No, it's not.

0:23:010:23:03

What I can do, I'll swap that for the car, I've got a car.

0:23:030:23:06

-Oh, for

-BLEEP's

-sake.

0:23:090:23:12

-No.

-BLEEP.

0:23:120:23:13

The tits, as well, that's new.

0:23:140:23:17

I thought they were eyes.

0:23:170:23:18

No, they're tits, I know her.

0:23:180:23:21

I thought, because she'd seen you cheating.

0:23:210:23:24

It's open to interpretation, it's like a bit of art, you know.

0:23:240:23:26

I'm watching you. Or the woman that you're cheating with, it's her tits.

0:23:260:23:30

-I'm watching her.

-We'll come back to the car and we'll get the details.

0:23:300:23:33

OK, all right. You might want to,

0:23:330:23:36

I was going to say you might want to close that over,

0:23:360:23:38

but not with what's on the door.

0:23:380:23:41

Having affairs, that's not against the law,

0:23:410:23:43

but abusing somebody's property, vandalism, that is.

0:23:430:23:46

So we had to deal with that thoroughly.

0:23:460:23:48

Hopefully they can patch things up

0:23:480:23:50

because no-one wants to see a break-up.

0:23:500:23:53

The wee man did not look like a shagger, I'll tell you that.

0:23:530:23:55

Not all partnerships are made in heaven,

0:23:570:24:00

but rural cops Charley McIntosh and Jane Mackay form a dream duo.

0:24:000:24:05

Get down, get down!

0:24:050:24:06

Whether it's tearing after hoods on the hillside...

0:24:060:24:10

Come back! Stop!

0:24:100:24:12

..or breaking for a breather by the roadside.

0:24:120:24:17

I don't know if you are aware of this,

0:24:170:24:20

but it's actually our three-year anniversary.

0:24:200:24:23

Ah, yes.

0:24:230:24:25

-As partners.

-Yeah, I remembered.

0:24:250:24:28

-I've actually bought you something.

-No way, I've got you something too!

0:24:280:24:31

-Just a wee thing.

-I didn't know when to give it to you,

0:24:310:24:33

I thought I'd wait to the end of the shift.

0:24:330:24:34

Well, yeah, I've got a great thing here, just a little thing, but...

0:24:340:24:38

Me too, me too. Right, I'll give you mine first, all right?

0:24:380:24:40

-OK.

-OK, close your eyes.

0:24:400:24:43

OK, I think you're going to love it.

0:24:430:24:46

Ta-da!

0:24:460:24:47

Oh...!

0:24:500:24:52

-A Trio...

-Yeah!

-..biscuit.

0:24:520:24:55

It's like, one, two, three - three years.

0:24:550:24:57

# Trio, Trio. #

0:24:570:24:59

Thank you!

0:24:590:25:02

I had to go, like, two villages away to be able to get them

0:25:020:25:05

because they don't sell them everywhere.

0:25:050:25:07

I didn't think they even made them any more.

0:25:070:25:09

Just makes it all the more special, thank you. I will treasure it.

0:25:090:25:13

I was going to give you the whole packet but I ate the rest.

0:25:130:25:16

Sorry! I couldn't help myself.

0:25:160:25:18

-Do you like it?

-I love it.

0:25:180:25:20

-You can save it till later.

-Thank you.

0:25:200:25:23

-OK, what did you get me?

-It's not really...

0:25:230:25:25

I don't even know if it's worth it, really. You've trumped me, there.

0:25:250:25:28

Please, please! That's not fair, I gave you a present.

0:25:280:25:31

I know, I'm kind of embarrassed there.

0:25:310:25:33

-OK, you don't need to give it to me.

-OK, it's just...

0:25:330:25:36

-Remember, it's just a wee thing, it's not...

-OK.

0:25:360:25:39

I'm just glad we were on the same wavelength.

0:25:390:25:42

-Is this, like...?

-Here you go.

0:25:430:25:45

This is a handbag.

0:25:480:25:49

Yeah, it's just a handbag.

0:25:490:25:51

No, it's actually a Mulberry handbag.

0:25:510:25:54

Is that a good one?

0:25:540:25:56

-That's beautiful!

-Well...

0:25:560:25:58

Charlie, those are worth a fortune.

0:25:580:26:00

Where did...? You didn't, you didn't buy this, did you?

0:26:000:26:04

I mean...you bought it, but...

0:26:040:26:06

You got it in a sale or something, right?

0:26:060:26:08

Well, I wouldn't spend that money, obviously.

0:26:080:26:10

I have always wanted a designer bag.

0:26:100:26:12

That is so nice, thank you so much.

0:26:120:26:15

Aw, that's...

0:26:150:26:17

-But seriously...

-What?

0:26:170:26:18

It is too much, though.

0:26:190:26:21

Yeah, no, don't worry, I didn't, I didn't buy it.

0:26:210:26:26

-I got it from the evidence lock-up room.

-What?

0:26:260:26:30

I don't think you're allowed to just take things from the evidence.

0:26:300:26:33

Oh, no, I know the guy on the desk there

0:26:330:26:36

and they said no-one's claimed it

0:26:360:26:38

and it's not going to be used on trial.

0:26:380:26:39

Oh, so it's like, after a certain amount of time,

0:26:390:26:42

you can get things back.

0:26:420:26:43

Yeah, so, instead of going to auction he said, "Hey, Charlie..."

0:26:430:26:45

Yeah. So, there you go, it's yours, regardless.

0:26:470:26:51

Aw, Charlie, thank you so, so, much!

0:26:510:26:54

-Yeah!

-I'm going to pop it back there so it keeps nice and safe.

0:26:540:26:57

-Mwah!

-Thank you.

0:26:570:26:59

Aw! I'm so sorry I only got you a biscuit.

0:26:590:27:02

What? But a bag and a biscuit, I mean...

0:27:020:27:04

Yeah, but I should have at least given you all the biscuits!

0:27:040:27:07

I'm just glad you like the bag.

0:27:070:27:09

Thank you, thank you, I love the bag.

0:27:090:27:11

Ha-ha!

0:27:170:27:19

Wahey!

0:27:190:27:20

Well, yes, a little bit of controversy that I've used

0:27:220:27:25

police funds to purchase this vintage Pac-Man machine.

0:27:250:27:28

I think it's the very model I played at police college.

0:27:280:27:31

Wonder if it still has my top score?

0:27:310:27:33

No, but seriously,

0:27:330:27:36

playing Pac-Man is absolutely vital training

0:27:360:27:40

in police pursuit procedures.

0:27:400:27:43

Some of the first criminals that your young bobby on the beat meets

0:27:430:27:47

and confronts is the shoplifter in the supermarket.

0:27:470:27:50

Your shoplifter's running up the cheese aisle,

0:27:500:27:52

you're pursuing him and he takes a left, double backs down,

0:27:520:27:54

mixed spices and home baking.

0:27:540:27:56

Do you follow him or do you double back yourself,

0:27:560:27:59

cutting down through fruit and vegetable,

0:27:590:28:01

thinking, "I'll cut him off at toiletries"?

0:28:010:28:04

So, that's the kind of decision,

0:28:040:28:05

the life-and-death decision,

0:28:050:28:07

that a young bobby has to take on front-line policing every day.

0:28:070:28:12

And playing Pac-Man is vital in training.

0:28:120:28:16

The training never stops, nor do the Scot Squad.

0:28:160:28:19

Scotland's favourite comic cops are back on the beat for a brand new series, chasing down fresh leads and upholding ancient laws.

Traffic officers Surjit Singh and Hugh McKirdy get a rude awakening when they pull over an unlikely lothario's defaced van. Urban duo Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher make a revealing discovery when they respond to a pair of convivial naturists.

Covert cop Archie Pepper pounces on criminals who share too much on social media. Volunteer officer Ken Beattie answers a distress call and undertakes a full programme of cleaning, washing and ironing. Chief Cameron Miekelson keeps his nose to the grindstone and his ear to the bagpipes as he personally selects a contemporary playlist.

Spoof comedy shadowing a fictional Scottish police force, starring Jack Docherty, Manjot Sumal, Grado, Jordan Young, Sally Reid, James Allenby-Kirk. With special guest Paul James Corrigan, and introducing Stuart McPherson.