Episode 2 Scot Squad

-Coming up...

-Hey!

-..it's a rollover...

-Get out!

-I'm not going up.

-You're getting out!

..it's a knockout...

Bobby? Bobby?

SIREN BLARES

..it's a blaze.

Is that a barbecue?

Fighting the good fight...

-Oi!

-You're under arrest!

-..sniffing out hoods,

crooks and unacceptable activities.

-Stop, it. Stop that.

-This is Scot Squad!

Scotland, home to over five million people -

many of them prone to going radge, nuts or loco.

Go find my dog, will you?

Calming the chaos when it all kicks off are the men and women of the

Scottish police force.

Coolest cucumber in the country is the ice man himself,

Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.

Tell Tupac to stop filming!

All clued up on what's most offensive.

The Offensive Behaviour Act does cause us a lot of problems.

It's very time-consuming, because it's the shifting sands

of what is offensive and what is not,

and who can you offend and who shouldn't you offend?

And is it OK to offend anybody? I mean, I'm offended all the time.

I mean, you just Google my name,

right now on the internet, there you go.

You've got Cameron Dickelson,

Cameron Miekelson-of-a-bitch,

-Chief Commissioner

-BLEEP.

-You know, am I offended?

No, I just grow a pair.

-I can take it. You can call me a baldy-heided pig

-BLEEP

-all day!

You know? But the Offensive Behaviour Act

is not designed to protect me.

It's designed to protect those who do take offence,

and that, unfortunately, can be anybody.

And times change. I mean, "gypsy" for instance.

That's a very interesting one. We used to use the word "gypsy"

willy-nilly. Now, I can guarantee we will not use "gypsy"

willy nor nilly. We even...I've stopped having Gypsy Creams.

If someone's in for a meeting, they won't get a Gypsy Cream from me.

In case offence is taken, and that...

that's a perfect example, biscuits.

There's a whole range you can no longer...you can no longer have.

A Ginger Nut, you'd think,

"No, that's offensive to many Scottish people."

Chocolate Finger.

You try giving the Chocolate Finger to the Women's Institute,

see how far you get, that's all I'm saying.

So, if you're having afternoon tea in my office,

you'll get served a Custard Cream.

The cream of Scottish volunteer policing is Ken Beattie,

an unsung hero with a heart of gold,

eager to be the public face that faces the public.

Oh, God, somebody's taken a shit in the phone box again.

Last night, I was very excited,

because I got invited to the Parkhill Community Council

committee meeting.

I was there to represent the police,

which was a great honour for me.

-I'm Helen.

-Helen?

-I'm the chairman of the Parkhill Community Council.

-Betty?

-Yes.

-I'm Ken Beattie.

-Donald?

-Yes.

-Ken Beattie.

-How do you do?

-Pleasure to meet you, Donald.

There was also cake...

and coffee, which I was not expecting!

Look at this, that's like a tuck shop!

-How much for the...?

-No, no, no, you help yourself.

-We take good care of our guests here.

-Oh, my word!

That was a very good bonus.

A less good bonus was the things they were asking me about.

Floor's all yours, Ken.

Thank you. Can I ask you a question?

Oh! Right away.

Immigration.

When are you going to stop all those immigrants coming into this country?

There's no control. When are you going to control it?

-Me...

-Yes!

-..personally?

Um, well...

Unless they litter...I could do something about that.

OK. Is that all the...? Oh.

-Stop and search.

-Stop and search?

-Stop and search.

The kids that I take the football with,

they, every day, coming up to me,

"Stevie, Stevie, these coppers are always pulling us over.

-"They're always searching us."

-You don't want stop and searches?

Aye. Ban them, completely.

-Ban them.

-Yep.

-Ban stop and searches.

OK, I don't think that will go down well,

but I can see

-what I can do.

-Right, OK.

Can I just say, instead of stopping folk like that,

you should be up in they fields there,

where the 14- and 15-year-olds are lying drunk.

So, more stop and searching at the fields,

and less stop and searching down at the parks?

OK. We're getting somewhere now.

As Ken takes notes,

Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar is tasked with recording whatever the

public feel is important.

And that means the paperwork never stops at her station.

-Ooh.

-Karen, how are you doing?

All right, Bobby, what can I do for you?

-You all right?

-Officer Karen,

I've just found a bag of shanks in the middle of the road, right?

In the middle of the road. I was wondering if you could help me.

-Look.

-I'm looking, I'm looking, Bobby.

I just don't want to touch anything and get fingerprints on it.

-Where did this happen?

-It happened in the middle of the road,

-up at the city centre.

-Right.

Oh, right. OK. Give me a couple of minutes. I just need to check

-a couple of things, OK?

-Just see when you're there, is it all right

if I hide in the toilet, just in case he comes in?

If you really want to, then go for your life.

-You all right, Officer Karen?

-Bobby?

Where exactly were you when you saw this guy?

I was in the city centre, in the middle of the road.

Right. Were you up by the shops?

-Yeah.

-Right.

What did the guy look like, that you took these off of?

-Well, he had long hair...

-Uh-huh.

..he looked like Tarzan, he had his top off and he was wearing, like,

-Aladdin shoes.

-Right.

Was he holding them like this at all?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

I think he was a maniac.

I think what you've done there, I'll be honest,

is, uh, I think you slightly mugged a juggler.

-Really?

-Wee bit, aye.

But why is he juggling knives?

That's bad. Therefore, I've done the right thing.

Yes and no.

I think what you've inadvertently done

is take that man's livelihood off him and bring it in to the police

station. So, what I'm going to do is,

I'm going to try and get in touch with the juggler

and give him back his juggling knives.

Because I was thinking, you know, how you get 4½ years

for carrying an offensive weapon.

-Yeah.

-Well, there's about seven there, isn't there?

So, what's that?

-Uh...

-37½ years, the guy's going to get.

Well...

Probably not, on the basis that they're blunt and for juggling.

Erm, and legal.

But I appreciate you were trying to do the right thing.

What I suggest is, is maybe if you just want to go home...

Right, nae worries, Officer Karen. Thank you very much.

-That's the phone again.

-You better get it...

-I know, I need to get it.

..Officer Karen, sorry! I'll talk to you later, right?

-I'll speak to you later.

-Bye, Officer Karen.

See you later, Bobby.

As you can imagine, I get invited to any number of charity events,

fundraisers, and, you know, I,

to be honest, I tend to try not to go unless I have to.

But, this one, I'm quite intrigued to go.

It's the ¸Lothian Benevolent Fundraiser,

and special guest, Ian Rankin.

And, as you know, I do a little bit of writing myself

in the crime genre.

I thought it might be nice to bump into Ian,

and see if I can maybe, uh,

get a little bit of advice from him.

Or give him some!

Anyone drinking yet?

Not yet. I see.

Evening. Hi.

-Yeah.

-This?

-Yes.

That's you. Cameron Miekelson.

-Hi. Ian Rankin.

-You're Ian Rankin, I know, I know.

When I saw the name I thought, "It has to be".

-I'm a big fan.

-Oh, thank you.

-I'm a very, very big fan.

-Mm, nice wine, this.

-Yeah, it's lovely.

Yeah. Um, look, I can't wait any longer.

Capital Of Blood. Mean anything to you?

-Capital Of Blood?

-Capital Of Blood.

I knew you were going to be here. I know you've got it anyway, because I

sent it to you, but just in case, I want you to take one away as well.

Yeah. So, the main character, Michael Cameronson, you know?

-Michael Cameronson.

-Bit of a loner. Other cops hate him.

Women love him, though.

Drinks a bit.

Yeah, it's kind of been done.

Well, I don't think it's been done very well.

-Uh-huh?

-You know, between you and me.

And I think...you know, I think that kind of maverick cop,

there's always, there's always a place for a maverick cop.

-In today's modern police force?

-In today's modern police force, yes.

And what there's never been is someone at the very top,

a Chief Commissioner who's solving all the crimes.

Because, basically, everybody else is incompetent.

I mean, you'll remember the plot. It's the impaler killer.

-Yeah?

-OK. Yeah.

-The first murder, remember?

Scott Monument, he's thrown up in the air and impaled on

Scott Monument. He's impaled on - the second murder -

impaled on the One o'clock Gun.

I just can't visualise how you can impale someone

on the One o'clock Gun. It's a cannon.

OK, OK. This is valuable stuff, Ian.

Let me just get some of this down.

So, you're saying that you can't be impaled on a cannon?

-I wouldn't have thought so.

-OK, when Michael Cameronson chases

-the impaler killer.

-That name is something you have to think about,

-that name.

-You think so? Michael Cameronson?

-What's wrong with Michael Cameronson?

-What's your name again?

-Well, Cameron Miekelson.

-Yeah.

-But you've got to have little broad hints about, you know.

It's not autobiographical, but I've seen a lot of this kind of stuff.

-More than broad.

-You got to the end, didn't you?

-Because he chases the killer down to Leith.

-Yeah.

On the boat, then he escapes through the porthole,

chases up the Forth Road Bridge, where there's a fist...

Pulls the balaclava off the killer.

It's Svetlina, the gorgeous Russian double agent!

Yeah. He escapes through a porthole?

-Yes.

-What is he, Hen Broon?

Well, he's...

-He's a...

-A porthole's not a very big space.

He's a thin...he's a thin...

-It's a thin man?

-He's a very thin, good-looking cop.

So, Svet...of course they have a bit of sex,

-but then she escapes to New York.

-Uh-huh.

You see where we're going with this now?

Sequels! Sequels?

The Big Apple Of Blood.

The crime writer learns from the crime-fighter.

Meanwhile, not all cars are fit for the road.

Traffic officers Singh and McKirdy

are purposed with checking for vehicles not fit for purpose.

You'd be surprised at how many cars you see that are unroadworthy.

You'll see, uh,

bumpers hanging off the side of cars,

you've got doors hanging off the side of cars,

smoke that comes out of cars.

Pull him over, man. Pull him over, hit the lights.

SIREN BLARES

Right, lads. Just head over to the pavement for me, please.

-Some smell coming fae it, right enough.

-Thank you.

What have you got here?

-Barbecue.

-Barbecue?

-Aye.

With an open boot. How can you see out the windshield with that?

-Where were yous boys?

-We were at the park there.

Apparently a bunch of wee bams come down and started to noise them up.

And they decided, well, instead of throwing the barbecue out,

they decided to put the barbecue in the boot, and try and get it back up

the road. Can you open that for me?

-Aye.

-Aye, let's see what you've got in there.

Just mind the rod, mind the rod, mind the rod!

All right.

Whoa! What yous got there? Aye, there we go.

I actually complimented them, because the links were

actually good. I tried a wee link.

Aye, not too bad! I actually like them.

Burgers, tae. Yous not got any rolls, no?

And I just kind of got tore in.

I had a wee burger, I had a wee drink of juice.

So, obviously, we advise against this kind of behaviour.

-This is not safe, you know what I mean.

-Aye.

So, for proper reasons, you understand that, yeah?

Folk could be driving by. They smell that lovely,

crackling smell of sausages barbecuing away.

You know, it's going to hook your beak and, "What's that?"

Turn around and you see smoke, and you end up going into a lamppost

or a cat. Might seem like a bright idea at the time,

but we cannae have this. So, we're going to have to take the barbecue.

If yous are not eating the rest of the burgers, I'll take them.

Here. This is the body-builder's there, right, he's watching.

They don't have buns, so they kind of put their fillings in

and they use it like that, see?

Nae carbs.

The barbecue was still hot,

so we advised them to leave the barbecue at the side of the road,

wait till it cooled down,

and then come back and pick it up a little bit later on.

But we didnae let it cool down,

because we had a big bottle of orange juice.

There we go.

Don't want the smoke coming in the street, you know?

Good thinking there, good thinking.

See you later, boys! Bye.

The burger boys are let off with a grilling.

Justice is served well done, and this barbie's road trip is over.

I had the taste of they burgers in my mouth all day.

Especially with the mustard. Because I'm not used to eating mustard.

It must have been American mustard. I'm used to eating French mustard.

Back at the council meet, Ken's keen to keep a tally

of complaints, as the locals let off steam.

So, we've got stop and search,

we've got drunk people at the park,

-and...

-Immigrants.

Of course. How could I forget?

And Ken, I'd like to know what you're going to do about

-this global warning.

-Do you mean warming or warning?

Aye, well, warming, you know what I'm talking about.

-OK. I wasn't sure.

-No, no.

-I didn't know if that was two separate...

I mean, you don't know whether to book a holiday in Spain for a month,

or whether to book a holiday in Saltcoats!

-OK.

-And it's all to do with this global warning!

-Ken...

-Yes, Greta?

-..I'd just like to ask about the price of petrol.

I mean, it's gone up and up and up.

Diesel, petrol, up way over £1 now.

-OK.

-Can you tell me why that is?

Global warming?

No, that's got nothing to do with the price of oil!

It's the price of petrol.

Anything else?

Seagulls.

OK!

So, to be clear,

there's three points of action.

Number one, I shall take your list of complaints

to the Justice Secretary.

When I find out who the Justice Secretary is.

Number two, I shall increase management of resources

to cope with immigration and increased Scottish birth rate.

And number three, I shall put away the chairs and tidy the hall

after the meeting...this evening. Is that everything?

The Scottish police force is always ready and willing to respond

to the public's needs.

Maggie LeBeau engages effectively and efficiently.

The person driving under the influence is...you?

So, how exactly did you carpet burn your face?

No, I don't think a helicopter will be able to spot your stripey

flip-flops, but I'll put the details in.

Today, she's engaged...elsewhere.

I'm not in the office.

As you can see, I'm in the Police Museum.

That's because I've started volunteering here,

doing some shifts, showing the public around,

teaching them about the history of the police.

To start off with, we've got lots of uniforms.

Some older uniforms here.

You may notice that we have swords.

Now, nowadays, the police don't have swords,

unless they've taken them off somebody.

But, then, they got a sword.

So, people were more scared of the police, and with good reason.

The medal we have here is a suffragette medal.

Wasn't actually given to a suffragette,

it was given to the police officer who arrested the most suffragettes.

In this room, we have all the uniforms.

Not just from the UK, but around the world.

So, very exciting stuff.

We've got the Russian ones.

The only thing I would say is, I'm not sure if they've noticed,

but the slogan there, if you look at it in a mirror,

it could be an issue.

All in all, you can see that

there's some great uniforms around the world,

but, personally, I do think we have the best one.

We're the only one who gets to wear a hi-vis vest,

and who doesn't love wearing a hi-vis vest?

Back at the auction, great minds talk crime.

You've had a bit of success, son, OK?

There's no need to get on your high... They're not that great,

between you and me. OK, Rebus is all right.

But riddled with procedural errors.

-Like what?

-Oh, dress, people wearing the wrong hat, the wrong shoes.

You've got a killer running round Edinburgh

-impaling people on cannons.

-Yeah, all right, I'll change that!

-He can stuff him inside, you know?

-He cannae stuff him inside!

-Yes, you can!

-The aperture's about that size.

He's a thin guy, the guy he kills has got anorexia.

God, you find problems in everything.

-And your main character...

-You know, in Exit Music, by the way.

Exit Music, page 75,

the number 26 bus, OK,

doesn't go down St John's Street after 11 o'clock on an evening.

So, don't come, "Oh, I've done my research".

-It's fiction.

-God's sake, son!

I mean, it's a charity do. You could be a bit more charitable.

What about encouraging new writers, eh?

Oh, no, jobs for the boys. Let's keep them out.

We only want our books being sold at the airport.

It's you and Mc...Val McDermid all the rest of them, you know.

You don't let other people into the game.

Well, we do when the quality's there.

Aw, listen, enough.

'Ladies and gentlemen, we now come to tonight's auction.

'Would you please put your hands together and welcome our host,

'Mr Ian Rankin!'

Look, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

APPLAUSE

Rebus is my favourite! And the other boy!

And the other one. Really.

APPLAUSE

Look, drink was taken, put it that way.

I did have a little bit of a spat with Ian Rankin, and some things

were said that I regret, in retrospect.

And then the blood was pumping because of that.

I may have overbid for this item here, that's, uh,

a-a-a signed Andy Murray shirt.

But signed by Jamie Murray.

I didn't know that at the time of bidding,

so maybe £5,000 was maybe overstepping the mark.

But, look.

It's for charity.

Besides, it's not my money.

Experienced urban cops Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher

have withstood most things the streets have to throw at them.

-You idiot!

-What?

-That's disgusting!

Oh, don't be sick.

-But they've learned to expect...

-Whoa!

-..the unexpected.

-Sarah could have died!

-I nearly spilled my tea.

-Exactly!

Yeah, sometimes you turn up to an incident, you don't get all the

information, all the facts,

and you're confronted with something that's quite, you know, surprising.

We turned up to the park the other day, for

a young man who'd breached his bail conditions.

He had a tag on, shouldn't have been outside.

We had the location, we went to find him,

and he was, uh, we were confronted with something,

you know, rather creative.

What's happening there?

-No, it can't be.

-It's hard to tell, but I think it is, you know.

We got in the park and we realised he was in a zorb,

which is like the big hamster ball things.

It's not fast. I mean...

-Hey, hey!

-Yep, stop!

-Hey!

OK, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

-Yeah, that's it. Whoa.

-What are you doing?

What are you playing at?

-Eh?

-What's the problem?

The problem is that you've broke your bail conditions.

-You've got your tag on.

-I haven't broken my bail conditions.

Let me see your tag.

-Uh-huh.

-Yeah, he does.

Well, it's beeped, hasn't it? You shouldnae be out at this time.

-I'm not out.

-Well, you are out.

-You are.

-This is my house.

I mean, you're out... technically you're outside.

No, but this is part of my house. I blew it up in my garden.

He said that was his house.

Which, technically, if that's correct,

then he's not breached his bail conditions.

But then, of course it's no use to us,

because that'd be a stupid place to live.

Just stand still. Out.

-I'm not coming out.

-Somebody's going to come in and get you.

You can't come into my house.

Do we need a warrant, to...?

The question was asked, would you need a warrant?

But of course you don't need a warrant, because it's not a house.

You could climb up a tree and say you need a warrant

to climb up a tree, so, you quickly

you know, use your policing skills.

Right, I'm coming in to get you.

-You got him?

-And I mean, it's quite warm in there.

You wouldn't need, you know,

an electric heater or anything like that.

-Because it would melt.

-Aye.

-Get out!

-I'm not going out.

You're getting out!

Here, you! Out!

-Enough of your nonsense, right?

-Right.

Wait, he's on the run! Quick!

And then he made a run for it, which was daft.

It wouldn't have been daft if I'd went in and you'd...

because he'd have got away from you, but I caught him, like, nae bother.

Probably would have caught him!

Erm, can we have, uh, backup, yeah?!

Well, I'm tailing him!

So, then, that was it. Apprehended.

Good job!

Yeah, I mean, he won't try that again.

Because we've burst his ball.

You can roll but you can't hide.

Sooner or later, the Scot Squad catch up with everyone.

We definitely get people who phone, just because they feel a bit guilty,

or they've got a dark secret that they want to share.

And I understand, I mean, we all have dark secrets, we do.

You know, mine would probably be,

when I was 14,

I did shoplift a Cliff Richard calendar.

And I've regretted that ever since.

Scotland's backroads.

For McIntosh and Mackay,

when it comes to a routine stop, in this patch,

there's no such word as "routine".

-Do you know why we've stopped you?

-No. I wasn't speeding, was I?

You weren't speeding at all.

-Your speed was perfect.

-Oh, Jesus! I thought not! OK.

-You've actually got a tail light out.

-Have I?!

-Yes.

-If you just come there.

-Catherine, I'm just writing you a little note

to say that you've got 28 days to take the car into the garage

-to get it fixed.

-KNOCK

Was that...sorry, was that from your...?

-Have you got something in the boot? I heard...

-No. Oh, I didn't hear anything.

It's probably just the engine. It's probably just cooling down.

-That's great. OK, thank you very much.

-KNOCKING

-There's something in here, is in there?

-Yeah.

-Uh, no.

-You don't have an animal, or a...?

-No.

That's definitely not the sound of the car cooling down.

I think maybe we should just have a look inside.

-Can we have a look inside your boot, please?

-Is that really necessary?

Well, it's a suspicious sound and we'd like to check it out.

Fair enough.

Oh, oh. Hang... Uh, can you just step back there a second?

-Oh!

-Charlie.

-Jeez Louise. Oh, we've got...

-Oh, are you OK? Are you OK?

-No, he's fine.

-Can you hear me?

-No, no. He's absolutely fine.

-He's having a nice time!

-Can you please explain what's going on?

-Right, listen, do you want the truth?

-Yes!

Right, we met online, we have organised this,

it's two consenting adults.

And this is what he likes women to do to him.

He calls me "mistress".

You're trying to tell me this is a date right now?

Well, it's not strictly a date,

but I can guarantee he's absolutely 100% fine.

We kind of need confirmation from him.

Could you please just step out the car?

Can you please come out?

Why are you...why are you looking at...?

I'm just giving him an instruction. Just wait a minute.

Look, if you like to be dominated, I'll dominate you.

Get out the car right now!

Now, we...

we need to know that you're OK.

-You're OK?

-Could we have the gag off him,

-just to confirm in his own voice that he is OK?

-OK.

You can take the gag off, yes.

-I can? I'll take the gag off.

-Well, I'll give you permission to do it.

Are you OK?

No, I'm good, I'm fine.

OK, Catherine, I think it's best for you

if you just get in the vehicle now.

Erm, for yourself as well, please get in the front.

Sorry.

I will get the tail-light fixed.

Yes, please. Drive safe.

Come on, Charlie. I'll explain it in the car.

From one S&M to another S and M,

Singh and McKirdy.

-Where is it you get your fruit and veg?

-Fruit and veg?

-Aye.

-Mum usually gets it.

-Oh, right.

Like I say, I used to go to Harry's.

-What?

-What?

-Here, gies us a race!

-No, no race.

-You want a race, mate?

-Aye, a race, go on!

-You want to race me?

-Go on, race us!

-You want to race me? Wee man? Hey? Aye.

-Go on, then.

-Are you ready for...? I'll race you.

-No, we're not racing.

-I'll race you.

-We're not racing.

Aye, race him. Give him a wee thrill, come on.

-It's engaging with the young folk in the community.

-He's a wee boy.

Hey! You ready? Get set, by the way. Hey, bite my dust, wee man!

Soon as it goes to green, right? Right?

-Argh!

-Shite!

-You fannies!

Stalled, man! Oh, no!

YOUNG MAN JEERS

Aw, man.

Build relations with the community like that?

Today's cop, always engaging, always approachable.

Officer Karen, how you doing?

Bobby?

Bobby?

Bobby? Can you hear me?

Bobby?

Argh.

You all right?

-All right?

-Mind your neck, mind your neck.

-You OK?

-Are you my guardian angel, Officer Karen?

Uh, no, but I might potentially be your first aider.

You got a first aid certificate as well?!

-Yeah.

-That's brilliant.

-Are you sure you're OK?

-Aye, I'm brilliant.

-Right, you kind of banged your head a wee bit.

Mind your...! Mind! Mind your head there.

How are you doing, Officer Karen?

It's weird to see you the other side of desk.

-Are you sure you're feeling OK?

-I feel fresh.

-OK.

-I feel positive.

-How many fingers?

-Two.

Who's the Prime Minister?

I don't know anything about politics, Officer Karen.

-Come on.

-OK, what's your...

What's your uncle's first name?

-Uncle.

-Are you sure you're feeling OK?

Aye, I feel brilliant, Officer Karen.

-ou don't have any pain in your neck?

-Nae neck pain.

Everything looks kind of normal?

Everything's normal.

Right, good to go, Officer Karen.

I don't want to hang about all day and be annoying and all that.

But, look, I'm going to go up the road, right?

Um, OK, Bobby, you haven't actually told me what it was

-you were rushing in for in the first place.

-Eh...

I think it was to tell you that I've got nae sense of smell

since I've been five.

-Right.

-All right, Officer Karen.

-Look, I'd better go.

-See you later, Bobby.

See you later.

Well, yes, I have to face facts, I am a national public figure.

And, consequently, my head is, you know,

slightly further above the parapet than, on occasion,

I'd like it to be!

You probably recently read that my name was discovered

on a list of terrorist targets.

It's odd when you discover your name's on one of those.

Because, of course, you don't want your life to be upset

to the extent you can't pop down to Lidl of an evening.

But I would be lying if, you know,

to say there wasn't a frisson of satisfaction

to discover that I'm a bigger prize than big Gerry Butler!

All-round Scottish hunk and action hero.

My delight in that discovery was tempered slightly by the fact that I

discovered I am lower than the Falkirk Wheel.

I mean, you know.

God forbid that the barge traffic of this great nation

ever were to grind to a halt.