Episode 3 Scot Squad

Coming up:

Restless natives...

The crime has been committed by none other than Gerard Butler.

..urgent replacements...

Two minutes.

..and emergency procedures.

# Staying alive Staying alive... #

Punching in for another shift of sticking the head on crime...

Drink responsibly now.

..this is Scot Squad!

Scotland. From Thurso to Traquair,

it's a big beat for big boss chief commissioner Cameron Miekelson.

"How do I do it?" People say.

Well, it's like a drift into a higher state.

And the big man's big ears are big on tuning in

to what the big picture is for the police.

Yes, there was recently a survey

that showed that public confidence in the police force of Scotland

was at an all-time low.

But I'll tell you this - I don't trust that survey.

That's what I've taken from that survey - not to trust it.

Because I believe firmly that, when people are questioned,

they get flustered, they don't know what they're saying,

they get a wee bit not sure.

You see it all the time in Mastermind.

Frozen. He knew before he came on, but he's sitting there.

We're all at home screaming, "Nabokov! Nabokov!" and he's...

You know?

I think that's what's happened in the survey,

really, with the question. People have basically

given the wrong answer, because they're flustered.

Super sharp city cops,

Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher, are always switched on and ultra alert.

We'll take you down to the station. You understand that?

I don't want to believe that that cat was so unhappy

that it took its own life.

When a dummy in debt won't play ball,

they'll see he opens up in the name of the law.

We were called to a young gentleman's house

who hadn't been paying his gas bill.

Hope he's in.

I hope he's not. I still love smashing doors doon.

The gas board were looking to gain access into his house

to put in one of those prepaid meters.

Get a bit of purchase and burst it.

-We'll give him to the count of ten then we'll go.

-Here we go. Hello.

It's the police.

What seems to be the matter?

Well, we're...can you let us in?

-Yeah, just let us in.

-What's this about?

Well, erm, we've got the gas board here who are looking to fit

a pre-paid meter into your house.

You've not been paying your gas bill.

I didn't phone you.

I've got lots of gas.

Thank you. It's in my cooker, my boiler.

Uh-huh, but you still have to pay for that gas.

Can we speak to the owner of the house, please?

This is... I bought this house. Cash.

Because he bought his house outright with cash,

I think was the argument he was trying to make...

-Mm-hm.

-..so the house came with gas.

If you don't mind me saying, you look very young.

How did you afford it?

-How could you afford it?

-I invented an app, Tinder for dogs.

Tinder for dugs?

Do they do the swiping?

They lick.

Surely the benefit of being a dug is you can shag anything?

To be honest, they all swipe right.

Right.

You say you've got no bills.

That's strictly not true.

You've got a lot of bills that you've not being paying.

Hence, this gentleman here is going to fit a pre-paid meter

-into your house, OK?

-How much is it for that box of gas?

-No.

-It's not a box of gas.

That doesn't have gas in it.

I'll take 12.

I'll give you £195.

-Are you kidding me on?

-No, I can't take that money.

Right, right, right.

He can't take the money.

He's not a gas salesman.

-OK?

-I'm going to post this back.

I'm going to go and check your neighbours.

See if they want to buy boxes of gas. OK, Rain Man?

I think it became very clear that we weren't going to get

through to this fella. So then you have to think of other

means of getting through, like maybe going in the back door.

Not a metaphor. That's like actually going to the back door of his house.

How did you get in?

Well, it was really difficult, I just opened the back door

and I just had to pass your pug in a sarong.

That's a bit weird, isn't it? Can I ask you to unlock that door?

We're going to fit that meter, OK?

OK, I'll do it. One step at a time.

Baby steps. Have you got a key?

Oh. The door's been open the whole time, that's handy. Excellent.

The door's been open the whole time.

There we have it.

Thank you, cheers, guys.

I mean, it just proves that money can't buy you happiness

or common sense.

He certainly had more money than sense.

But he's probably always had more money than sense, because,

even if he had a quid, he'd still have more money than sense.

Always seeing sense in the conflict against crime is desk sergeant Karen Ann Millar.

Her station's constantly set to battle stations,

as Millar keeps watch from the front line.

Obviously, in the police station, sometimes it can be very busy,

sometimes it can be very quiet.

I often think it must be similar to the soldiers who fought

so bravely in the First World War.

Long, long periods of inactivity,

followed by short bursts of abject terror and loud noises.

Hello, sir, what can I do for you today?

Well, firstly, you can confirm that this is indeed a police station

-of the British state.

-Yes, sir, I am perfectly happy to confirm that

the signage outside is correct and that this is a police station,

which is why we write Scottish Police Force all over it.

Yes, Scottish Police Force in name only.

-Do you have identification?

-There you go.

Good. Karen Ann Millar, get that down.

A number as well, please.

-Quebec, one-one.

-Quebec.

Has that got a Q?

-Yeah.

-Q-U...

You might be easier just writing Q11, sir.

Why didn't you say?

Right, then, this taking place is now being recorded for not only the

nation of Scotland but for the entire Scottish diaspora worldwide.

We are the Commissariat Of The Vigour Of Alba,

we would like to report a crime.

The crime has been committed by none other than a so-called

-Gerard Butler.

-Could you provide me with some information

-about the offences...

-Oh, we have documentary evidence going back decades

for his flagrant rejection of Scotland's culture,

mainly in his accent, going back indeed to the year...

Here we have the year 2000.

Dracula, 2000.

-And how did you...?

-"I do not drink coffee."

OK, can I just check...?

Look at a fine actor like Sean Connery,

a man who, no matter what part he is playing,

be it Russian, Irish, American, whatsoever,

will still have the pride to use his Scottish accent.

But here we have Phantom Of The Opera, The Ugly Truth.

A complete rejection of his cultural roots,

which are enshrined to the people of Scotland

under the act of union of 1707.

-Um...

-An act, we believe, should be repealed forthwith immediately.

It's not just Gerard Butler.

-OK...

-I have a list here of cultural traitors,

cultural traitors to our nation.

-Yes, sir.

-Taking this down?

-I am, sir.

-Rod Stewart.

-I'm fairly sure Rod Stewart's English, sir.

Well, he pretends to be Scottish.

John Barrowman.

Yes, sir.

-Lulu.

-OK.

Now, here is one.

A perpetrator of what at the time was seen as gentle comedy

in the 1980s, but now in this day and age would be seen

quite rightly so as a hate crime.

-Russ Abbot.

-Yes.

Russ Abbot.

-Okey-dokey.

-Can immediate representations be taken

to immediately extradite Russ Abbot to face the people of Scotland?

An increasing problem we're facing at the moment is offensive

number plates. You know, when someone gets

a personalised number plate and it has a rude word in it

or something, they think it's funny.

Well, some of them are funny.

We had one the other day which was F-0-C-K-I-1-T.

"FOCK IT". Now, OK, fine.

You and I would have a bit of a giggle about that.

But say you're an old lady, you're coming out the church,

you're going to pick up your messages, you see FOCK IT running,

you could take a heart attack!

So we have to clamp down. We've said, no, that is illegal.

We had B-1-6-MUFF.

BIG MUFF. Again, look...

if you want to have big muff in your room, that's absolutely fine.

But don't you be taking big muff out on the highways and byways

of this great nation.

We've got to put a stop to it.

Now, the problem we have is, down in England,

where a lot of the cars are licensed, some of the names,

some of the words are not offensive down there.

But in Scottish slang, they are offensive.

D-O-6-B-E-R.

DOBBER.

Down there, that just means to dob, nothing.

Here, it means... Well, you know what it means.

You don't need me to tell you.

You know, FUD. FUD-1.

You know, I have to let it go.

I can't touch it. When it comes to FUD, my hands are tied.

Traffic officer Surjit Singh has definitely got his partner's back.

-I've lost weight, haven't I?

-Aye, you're looking good.

Even when PC Hugh McKirdy isn't feeling 100%,

the partnership are still policing at 110%.

I'm going to be honest with you, mate, I am rough as a badger's.

Aye, you don't look the best.

Tell you, I've not even had a shower.

I've not washed my teeth.

I've not even got pants on.

-What?

-I've not got pants on.

-Mate, this is too much information.

-Honestly, I couldn't wear them.

-They were stinking.

-Number one - that's too much information.

Number two - that is disgusting.

I'm going to have to get you to stop in so I can get a pair of pants.

-Be as quick as you can.

-I will, I will.

Tidy.

Grey, blue, light blue.

I don't need to see them, it's fine, thanks.

-You're not putting them on here.

-I need to!

-No, you can't.

What was the point of buying them if I can't put them on?

You can wait until we at least stop.

Come on, man, don't do this.

Jesus. Oh!

Mate, hurry up, please.

It's actually quite good sitting like this, actually.

Don't. Come on, get changed, hurry up.

-Hurry up.

-I wouldn't like to see the mark I'm leaving on this chair.

You are cleaning this car.

At least that's something, at least you're covered up now.

Oh, man!

-What happened?

-Sweating bullets.

Forget the bullets, put the gun away, come on.

Let's go, hurry up.

-Two minutes.

-Two minutes?

-You've got one minute.

-Oh, no!

-Here we go.

-They're on, jeez.

That's the boys.

-That's the boys!

-Never again.

-Snug.

-Never again.

Everything's compact. All in the one place.

I'm happy.

Need a wee cup of tea now.

While McKirdy covers up,

the Vigour Of Alba continue to expose the injustices and insults

they feel have been done to the Scotch nation.

Furthermore, can I take you to the behaviour

of the so-called representations of the people of Britain?

Iain Duncan Smith and Michael Gove being foremost

amongst the Scots quislings in this whole debacle,

for taking the people of Scotland away from their rightful place

in the continent of Europe.

-Can I just check...?

-While I'm on the people who have taken Scotland

out of Europe against their will,

can I also mention the behaviour of Bertie Vokes?

-Yeah.

-George Burley.

-Mm-hm.

-Craig Levein.

What the hell was he thinking about going to Prague

and playing without a striker?

That was never going to end the right way, was it?

Can I just check what your position on...

-Boys, boys...

-..Doctor Who, David Tennant?

Boys, who's driving a blue-and-white Skoda with Vote Yes?

Yes, yes.

Somebody's breaking into your boot and trying to jump-start it.

I'm telling you, somebody's breaking into your boot, boys.

Bloody toe-rags! Come on!

You, you little shit!

There was nobody breaking into the boot.

I was just walking past the police station and I seen that they were

annoying you. I thought I would jump in, gie Officer Karen some hauners.

Thank you, Bobby. I genuinely really appreciate it.

-See you later, Officer Karen, bye.

-See you later, Bobby.

So I have a lunch today with an old boss of mine, Sir Neville Archibald.

There's a press conference tomorrow.

He's returning some ceremonial drum or something.

We're going to have a little bit of lunch, reminisce, reminisce.

I'll be back in the office by 2.30.

I could live without it, but you know, I've got to do it.

-So, there you are, DC Mikey Miekelson!

-Ah, Neville!

Don't get up, don't get up, don't get up.

-I don't mind getting up!

-I prefer it if you don't

cos there was always that six inches between us.

We could get you a high chair if you want?

THEY CHUCKLE

Good afternoon, gentlemen, would you like some drinks?

Oh, yeah, drinks certainly to start with.

-Not for me because...

-Oh, certainly. No, sorry.

Neville, I have to get back to the office.

Two martini, two dry martinis, thank you very much.

-Oh, one.

-Are you still supported by the lovely Babs?

I'm afraid no.

Babs and I, we went our separate ways.

-What about you and...?

-Betty?

-Betty.

-Betty, never better.

Golfing, very fond of it. It's something we share

down at Puerto Bonito.

And how many months of the year are you in Spain now?

I would say... We're talking 50%, 50%.

You'll be living next door to all the criminals you failed to catch,

-of course.

-Of course!

Can I get you something from the wine list?

-Certainly.

-Well, I...

-I would say...

-Let's go to the bottom of the list.

-Keep up top.

-There's a nice wee Chateau Margaux there.

Two bottles. Red, white.

-It's a wee bit...

-No, no, this is a special occasion.

-This drum does not return...

-We don't need two bottles of wine!

This drum does not return to the city every year.

We're here to give that a send-off.

The chiefs take the time to go through the key essential details

diligently and painstakingly.

We'll just have another one of these. Thank you, darling,

-thank you very much.

-Don't, no, no.

-Neville!

We've plenty of time, we've plenty of time.

It's a lunch break, for goodness' sake, Cameron.

I thought we'd finished this one.

I have...

..got the office to get to.

So have we...have we had our dinner?

Have we had our lunch?

Also asking all the right questions is Maggie LeBeau.

Police emergency, how can I be of assistance?

So, how many fingers did you have this morning?

OK, he was a human statue.

An easy mistake to make.

And it's not just the public who value her hard graft.

I have been made a team leader, as you can see here,

which I'm so excited about.

-How are you managing today?

-Not too bad, thanks.

-Good.

-Busy.

-Your call list is excellent.

Basically, I need to encourage excellence in the workplace

and foster a really strong team dynamic.

I've always seen myself as my own employee

and I've done a great job of team leading myself

and, really, what's the difference between team leading one person

and five people?

Apart from the number.

Good job, good work, good stuff.

Discipline is something that I have to think about,

because I am responsible for the team and for team discipline.

That's hard. It can be hard to lay down the law with people

that you really like and that you get on with, but it's something,

as a team leader, that I need to do.

Rosie, I think you're doing great work,

but your desk is just a little bit messy,

so could you just give it a tidy up, please?

But I just... I've got some stuff to do.

Rosie, could you tidy the desk now?

But I'm just... I've got stuff, and I need it to do this and I'll...

Rosie, look at the badge - team leader.

The team leader is telling you to tidy your desk.

So you do it now, or you're sacked.

OK, Mags, I'll do it in a wee bit. I'm just going to finish this...

Well, everybody, say goodbye to Rosie, because she is sacked.

You're fired.

It does turn out that I can't sack people.

It's not actually in my remit.

So, things in the office are a little bit awkward,

but I'm sure we'll get past it.

Yeah.

In the partnership between public and police,

it's a public duty to report crime,

but to Scotland's shame, it's a duty Joe Public has been neglecting.

It's up to volunteer officer Ken Beatie to spread his wings...

Police! Argh! This is a bust!

..and spread the word.

Recent police studies have shown that the public

aren't reporting crimes at night.

They're waiting till the morning to do so.

Obviously, this is wrong.

The public need to respond to crimes at night.

That's vital.

So, Scottish Police Force have come up with a campaign

to help drill this home. And that campaign is a mascot.

It's me! Ken Beatie.

Let's do this.

-I'm the night owl.

-Night owl?

-Night owl.

-All right, great.

HE IMITATES AN OWL

Night owl!

I can see everything.

At night, phone that.

-Thank you.

-You're very welcome.

Thank you.

Thank you. I wish they'd gave me a seat or something.

I'm getting very itchy.

I've got a... My back's itching me.

Would you like a flyer?

-Yeah.

-Give the cops a call or two!

-Can somebody help?

-Somebody help!

-Oh, my!

Man down!

Owl on the move!

Quickly, the cop skills kick in.

I'm a trained professional, I have first aid training!

And a kitchen hygiene certificate as well, so you're in safe hands.

Are you OK, sir? Are you breathing?

-Are you breathing? OK.

-You OK?

-Oh, God!

# Huh, huh, huh, huh! Staying alive! Staying alive! #

Beatie acts with the rhythm of a Bee Gee.

# You can tell by the way I use my walk

# I'm a woman's man No time to talk. #

OK.

No major incident on THIS owl's watch.

OK. Sorry.

You're OK, aren't you?

'Thankfully, the man is alive.'

There we go, OK.

That's you. Watch my fingers.

Ken Beatie - volunteer officer, life saver, hero, owl.

Madam, there you go.

Back at the top chief tete-a-tete, Miekelson needs air and backup.

Jean? You've got to get me out of this.

Just... I don't know. I don't know where I am.

You booked it!

All right. OK, OK, I'll deal with him.

But you just get me a cab, half an hour.

My grandfather was the world champion pipe drummer, 1926/1927

and we give this award every year in Angus...

-Right.

-We award the award to boy drummers, under-14.

That's the...

So, in a way, in our case with the drum returning here,

I'm honoured to have it.

It represents continuity, it represents...

..law. But it's also a dust gatherer.

And I'm under sentence of death, quite frankly, from Betty.

Oh, Betty! Betty!

She wouldn't not want it, would she?

You don't want to be on the wrong side of Betty!

Certainly not.

I remember some of those days.

So, I was at The Ivy the other day with Betty.

We love that spot. We particularly like, even more so...

Thank you very much, dear, thank you.

Shh. The bill.

-Yes, no problem.

-The bill.

And two whiskies, please, two Lagavulin, large, thank you.

-Thank you.

-Could you...?

Could you order me a taxi?

No, no. We're not finished yet.

Neville, Neville, Neville, Neville,

Neville, I've got a job, man.

-I work.

-Yes, of course. You'll go back in time for the evening news.

-I work for a living.

-You'll be back in plenty of time.

Let's have a wee butchers at this, here. Oh, yes, oh, yes.

I'm glad I'm not having to handle that.

All the best to you.

-Lovely.

-That's a seven!

That's something.

-It's a seven?

-And another seven.

It's the continental seven with the wee flash through it.

They've started doing that.

Right, well, good.

So you look after that.

I'll slip that one through.

All the very best. Have your whisky before you go.

Hundred on that, 250 on that.

Don't pay cash, cos it's not traceable.

That one...

Mmm. Lovely.

Top rural cop twosome,

Charlie McIntosh and Jane Mackay, are always on song.

# Luck let a gentleman see

# Just what a dame you can be... #

Working together in perfect harmony,

they know their turf.

Yeah, well, a lot of people imagine that countryside policing

is very slow paced. They think that we just take nice pretty drives

through the countryside, drinking tea and petting sheep.

But sometimes, Charlie and I have to get physical.

We found ourselves in pursuit of two men who were just involved

in a bakery robbery in the local village.

They took off over an open field and we took chase.

One man took off and we had him in our sights, so we pursued him.

The other shook us off fairly early.

We didn't know where he'd ended up.

Stop right there!

'We got ourselves caught in a bit of cat and mouse.'

Stop!

'Every time he tired, we tired.'

PANTING

-OK.

-Come on, Charlie.

And then he would set off again and we'd set off,

but then, we'd see that we were tiring,

so he would take a rest and it went on and on.

PANTING

Stay where you are!

-That's it.

-I'll get him!

'He'd run, but he couldn't hide.'

Literally, there was nowhere for him to hide.

Stay right there!

There's no place to go.

Eventually, though, we ran him into a corner and he had to give in.

He couldn't go on any longer.

That's it. Stay right there!

Phew!

You thought you could outrun us?

Oh, it's easy to us.

We could do this...all day.

And then, just when we thought we had the man...

Charlie!

His accomplice jumped out of a nearby bush, and he took off.

-Charlie, get him!

-Of course, I had to set off after him as well.

Come on! Stop!

No problem whatsoever.

I had the endurance and stamina of a bull.

People often talk about the long arm of the law,

but they fail to mention the long legs of the law as well.

Once these legs wrap themselves around you, you're going down.

And down the station, Sergeant Millar's meeting a new Bobby.

Hello, hello, hello, Officer Karen.

-How are you?

-You haven't joined the police, have you?

Started yesterday, this is my first day.

Kidding on, Officer Karen.

Imagine if I did but. Me and you would be oot doing the beat.

One day, you buy the rolls, then, the next day, I buy the rolls.

Sorry, I... Where did you get this?

Well, you know how I go to the car-boot sale every Sunday?

There was this guy at the stall and he was just selling reduced stuff.

Do you mind if I take a wee peak at your hat or your jacket, there?

Aye, nae bother. Let me have a wee look.

-Yeah, that's kind of what I thought, Bobby.

-What?

What you've got is a genuine police uniform and that's a crime.

It's a crime for you to be wearing a police uniform when you're not

a police officer. It's called impersonating a police officer.

So, should I arrest myself?

No, but technically, I should arrest you.

Yeah, Bobby, I'm deadly serious.

You can't be wandering around dressed in that.

You have to understand, it's a very serious offence.

I'm going to have to ask you to not wear it any more, Bobby,

because, if I allow you back out here right now,

one of my colleagues could arrest you right outside the front door.

-OK.

-Or, technically,

I could just walk out and huckle you straight back in.

-OK.

-Do you know what I'm saying?

-Take my clothes off, then?

Basically.

I think, unfortunately, the answer to that is probably um...

is probably yes.

OK.

You ever see that film Full Monty?

There you go. Right.

Give you the hat.

There you go.

The glasses, they're my glasses.

Right, you hang onto them, then.

I've got my Star Wars boxers, I didn't buy them at the jumble sale,

these are my Star Wars boxers.

I feel like Darth Vader's just kind of staring at me.

Well, you should see Obi-Wan.

No, no, I really... I'm good, I'm good.

I'm just going to go and get you a paper suit.

-If you want to just put that on, Bobby.

-OK.

What's this? Is that the DNA suit?

Yeah, it's just one of our wee crime scene suits.

I'd wear this for pyjamas in my bed.

It would probably be quite comfortable as pyjamas, actually.

Right, I'll see you later, right?

Gie that to one of your colleagues or something, right?

-Will do.

-That's like basically recycling, no?

-See you later, Officer Karen.

-See you later, Bobby.

Thanks, Jane.

I've no idea where we ended up.

When are the press boys here?

Already here? Oh.

Does that mean that Neville's...?

DRUMMING

In the spirit that it is a greater honour in many ways to give

than to receive, I would like to return it today to Chief Miekelson

as a symbol of justice.

Beating out steadily throughout the years

in an ever-changing world, always there.

Thank you.

Generations of chiefs banging the drum for Scotland.

People come and go, but the beat never changes -

the loud, proud sound of the Scot squad.