Episode 4 Scot Squad


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Episode 4

Spoof comedy following the Unified Scottish Police Force. McIntosh and Mackay go undercover. The Chief discovers a new world of insults when he samples online gaming.


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Transcript


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The graphics are very, very good.

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Coming up - testing the testers...

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Blow as hard as you can.

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..gaming the gamers...

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Wheesht! Just get out of the BLEEP way.

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..and pushing out the pushers.

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I have just witnessed a drug deal.

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When criminality runs wild,

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it's time to lay down the law of the jungle.

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You've taken a sheep hostage.

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This is Scot Squad.

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When policing a mass area the size of Scotland,

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a crucial consideration is manpower.

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And the man with all the power

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is Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson...

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If that means that I'm very well dressed and a supporter

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of the monarchy, then, yes, I'm happy to be called cavalier.

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..the marshal with the brainpower to marshal that manpower.

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Staffing levels is a concern.

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I'm particularly worried about the riot police.

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You'll all have seen it.

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A wall of police linked together,

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forming an impenetrable wall against...against the rioters.

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But...but cutbacks have meant that gaps are appearing

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in that impenetrable line. So, what do we do about it?

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Well, we're looking into an inflatable riot gear suit.

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So you're...you're there, and then as the riot kicks off...

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up you go. About maybe the width of the three, we think, maximum,

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maybe four policeman. All the way.

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And then that's how you fill the gaps all the way along the line.

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Now, obviously, your Molotov cocktail bounces off, straight back.

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If they do get you, you bounce back up like that.

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My only concern is...

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..if any rioters have a pin.

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To properly serve the public,

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officers like Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Miller

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have to run an open door policy.

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Bobby! You can't really... You can't bring that in here.

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Bobby. The thing is...

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Complete accessibility...

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Bobby, please take it away before I arrest you for stealing it.

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..no matter who or what comes in that door.

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All right, Officer Karen? What can I do for you?

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Right, see, the thing is, see my next-door neighbour?

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He's been hovering about in a van,

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and I've seen him put a couch in the back of the van, and he's dodgy.

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He looks dead sneaky, and I was wondering, do you know what?

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I'm going to come down and say that to Officer Karen.

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Bobby, I would expect that that's just someone moving a couch.

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Maybe getting rid of an old couch, or buying a new one.

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Do you know the best thing you could do, actually, Bobby?

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See if you see anything like that? Dial 101, and let them know,

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and then they can investigate it in due course.

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Cos I feel bad for you, because I know you're public spirited,

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and then you're coming... You're coming all the way down here

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every day almost. OK.

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So you dial 101.

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101. OK, 101? 101.

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101.

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So that's 101, and then it comes through to the station phone,

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and then it goes on to Officer Karen, and I'll deal with you,

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and then you try and put me through to an officer, or something?

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101 will put you through to a better officer, Bobby.

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101? Just 101.

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999101?

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Just 101. Right, I'll tell you what, right?

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I'll go home, and I'll see if the guy is driving about in the van,

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or if he's looking weird or anything, right?

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OK. I'll take notes, come back down, you'll let me use the station phone,

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right? 101. Do you know the best place to phone 101 from,

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is from your house, Bobby. My phone's dead old.

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It's like one of those ones that are, like...K-K-K-K-K.

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You know that one? Yeah. It's like from the '70s, or something.

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K-K-K-K-K. Yeah. It's dead dusty.

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I mean, obviously, it disnae K-K-K-K-K,

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It's like more...ssshhhh.

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Sssshhhh.

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Sh-sh-sh-sh-sh.

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That's it going back. Yeah.

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See if you head up the road

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and you go and use Uncle Geoffrey's mobile,

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and you can dial 101 from his phone.

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OK. Right, all right, Officer Karen.

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I'll go, I'll get Uncle Geoffrey's mobile phone.

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Right?

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I'll bring it down to the station.

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You tell me to dial 101...999.

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No, just 101. Right, 101.

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From your house. Right.

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0141 1...

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No, just 101.

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Three digits. Like that.

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One, two, three. Right, I'll just...

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See because you're good at all that? I'll just gie you the phone,

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and you phone it, and then you can hand it to us.

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Maybe Uncle Geoffrey could dial it for you, eh? 101. 101.

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Officer Karen. See you later. See you later.

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Scotland's highways can be a sizzling hotbed of hot-headed anger.

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Traffic officers Surjit Singh and Hugh McKirdy

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are cool enough to keep chilled...

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HE LAUGHS

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Nae bother!

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..even when faced with the fieriest of furies.

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So we were driving along the road,

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taking due care, as I always do,

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'and a cyclist pulled up beside us,

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'started knocking on the window, shouting and screaming.'

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Whoa, whoa, whoa.

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You just cut me up there.

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Who cut you up? You.

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Did I?

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I'm phoning the police on yous, I'm telling you.

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That's not right. We are the polis, hen.

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Well, you should know bloody better, then, shouldn't you?

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We asked the lady to go onto the pavement. We parked up.

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Pretty sure I didn't cut you up.

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You did, I was there. You nearly knocked me off my bike.

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I got the fright of my life. Three times this week that's happened.

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What are you laughing at? I was just... No, come on, tell me.

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Well, for a start, I don't think he's cut you up. Thank you.

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Listen, you wouldn't understand,

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you've clearly never been on a bike. Hey, don't question

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my fitness regime, you don't know what it is, right?

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Well, tell me, I'm dying to know. I've lost weight, haven't I?

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Aye, you're looking good. The point is, you cut me off my bike.

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I'm his witness, I was in the passenger seat.

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He did not cut you up. He nearly went up on the pavement.

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Who are you actually looking at?

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What? You.

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Right, see that sign over there? Read that sign.

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Denmark. No, it does not say that at all.

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D-D-D...

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Decaffeinated. When was the last time you were at the optician's?

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Have you been prescribed glasses before?

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Aye. And why are you not wearing them?

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Cos they didn't go with my outfit.

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What's that? What kind of excuse is that? It seems like you've got

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some seeing problems. You've got driving problems.

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What are you accusing him of here? Of being drunk and disorderly

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on the road. Drunk? I do not drink.

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Prove it. You want me to prove it? Aye, you go and prove it.

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We've got a breathalyser in the car. Prove it.

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Right, sir, blow as hard as you can.

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Keep blowing, keep blowing,

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keep blowing, keep blowing, keep blowing...

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Right. There we go. Is that it?

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Zero!

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What does it say? It says zero.

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Zero. You see, I don't drink.

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Aye, well, I can't be sure, cos I've not got my glasses on.

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I cannae read that. Exactly.

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You need your glasses.

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You cannae go on your bike, you'll need to walk to your spin class.

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We cannae let you... I'll just push it, it's fine.

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Just push your bike.

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Where's my bike?

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My bike was there. When I pulled over, I put my bike there.

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Right, I'll tell you what... You're meant to be police. Where's my bike?

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Her bike got stolen...

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while we were at the scene.

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See, this is what happens when people distract us

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from our proper job.

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No, you're leaving things at your backside. Your glasses, your bike.

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The positive with that bike being stolen was that our response time

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in dealing with that bike being stolen was...

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We were there right away. Right, well, we'll need

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to take you down the station, then, and get the details, right?

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I have to put a report in? Aye. Uh-huh. Yes.

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Our message to the public is as simple and as pure as this.

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If you've been prescribed glasses, wear them,

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cos not only will you drive better, you'll look better.

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Yeah.

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Let me stop you right there.

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It's not a snooper's charter. Where does the snooper's charter come from?

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We're just...we're doing our job.

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We've got to find out what's going on so we can stop the bad guys.

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Somebody's having a party next door, you're going to peek over the hedge,

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see what's going on, make sure that they are not up to any nonsense.

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That's all we're doing.

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We are just having a peek over the hedge to see what's what.

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Now, we happen to use drones, and we tap your phone,

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we monitor your e-mails and, occasionally,

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we might follow you around town.

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Whatever we do...

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..is not as bad as whatever they're doing.

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That's the essence of policing.

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That's not a snooper's chapter - that's scum watch.

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From scum watch to nature watch and back to scum watch,

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as rural cops Charlie McIntosh and Jane Mackay get set

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to crack down on one of the biggest crimes in the country -

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countryside counterfeiting.

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Illegal sales in small rural pubs is quite common.

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It's difficult to catch them in the act when we're so visible,

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so we decided to go undercover into this small pub

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disguised as two separate patrons.

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I, the accordion-playing band for the evening,

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and Jane as the lovely...

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Single woman. Single woman.

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At the bar. At the bar.

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HE PLAYS A TRADITIONAL TUNE

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Trap set, hunters poised...

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It ain't long before a dodgy-looking geezer walks into their crosshairs.

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Aye, I'm not doing too bad.

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I brought you a wee...

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A wee CD.

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A suspect package is clocked at the bar.

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Mackay's on it.

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That's it, caught you.

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Selling counterfeit CDs, are you? Oh, my God, it's Phil Cunningham.

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Phil Cunningham's Christmas Songbook. How did you know, Charlie?

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Have you got this CD? No, it's Phil Cunningham.

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I just brought this in for the raffle.

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I noticed the ceilidh was on, they were looking for raffle prizes.

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Oh, my goodness. What, you... You're Phil Cunningham?

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I'm sorry, there's been a big misunderstanding here, Phil,

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we're police officers.

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We're undercover. Someone else is coming in selling dodgy gear.

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We've seen you with the bag and the CDs, and I'm so sorry about this.

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Well, I've played on a couple of criminal records,

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but I don't think I actually have one.

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So sorry, Mr Cunningham. I'm really sorry. It's fine.

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I'm just trying to do my job.

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It's fine, honestly. You're a hero of mine.

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Do you know the you're my second favourite musician of all time?

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I mean, obviously, Enya, and then yourself.

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Perhaps, if you've got the accordion there, you could

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come over and sit with me and play. And it would be a personal...

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I mean, absolute dream come true for me.

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And it would also... It would really help the investigation.

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You know, a big whisky might swing it.

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A big... The largest whisky you can pour, please, for my good friend.

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They double down on their disguise,

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and the accordion ambush is back in play.

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The contraband comes out.

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Oi.

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Jane pounces. He gives it legs.

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Hold it there. Bang!

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Cunningham nails it.

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You're under arrest.

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Courtesy of Phil Cunningham.

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How do you feel about that?

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Busted. Thank you, Phil. Take him away, partner.

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The number's up for this rogue trader.

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Take it away.

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Another symphony of success for the Scot Squad.

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Slainte!

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Three PCs in the pub that night.

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PC McIntosh, PC Mackay,

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and the best PC of all, Phil Cunningham.

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Over in the big city,

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a typical shift for Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher involves hands-on policing.

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You had a shower today?

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Right, thank you very much for consenting to that stop and search, there, mate.

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The public appreciate the strategy,

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now served with added double-extra reassurance.

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You have a good night. Oh, wait.

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We've got a questionnaire. Excuse me?

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We've got these new questionnaires that we've got to fill out.

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It's kind of customer service. Customer feedback thing.

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Yeah. Without the prize. It won't take long.

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You'll no' get vouchers or anything. It's just a few questions.

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What's your name? Pickle. Pickle. Mr Pickle?

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Pickle P. Your name's Pickle P?

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Well, my name's Peter.

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Then you should just have said that. Exactly.

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I'll put Peter.

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Do you live in close proximity to where you are standing now?

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No. Why not? What do you mean, why not?

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Because it's probably like a car park or something.

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Do we have to answer any of these questions?

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Well, that would be great, yeah.

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Good if you could. No, listen, don't worry.

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We're happy to help. This bit's fun. This bit's fun.

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So it's kind of multiple choice, and they come with faces.

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Agree would be a smiley face.

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Disagree would be...

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"Scottish Police Force do a good job."

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Agree? Say so, eh? Or disagree.

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I'd put a sad face. You shush.

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Probably... It's his form.

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Like that, huh? Yeah, that's that one.

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That's a confused one, innit?

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"This stop-and-search procedure happening to me

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"is actually reassuring."

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No. I don't know.

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You're smiling. I don't think so.

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Listen, it's Pickle's, all right? It's not yours.

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Would you mind not speaking to her the way you're speaking to her?

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At all? I've got to talk to her, cos she's like that. Right.

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We want to get this done, though, Jack. Agree? I don't know.

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Just, I don't know. "What is your gender?"

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Are you kidding me on?

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No. Do you want the answers? Well, you searched me.

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Inconclusive. Do you want me to go through the answers?

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Are you going to let him talk to you like that? We've got a funny guy here. Male.

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Right. I'll tick male. Just... We'll...

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"What is your sexual orientation?"

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What? Are you kidding me on?

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Don't you dare ask me a question like that about my sex life.

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It doesn't matter what you are. So straight, gay... Outrageous.

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..bisexual, whatever... Straight. Outrageous. Straight.

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Very clear about that.

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I can't believe you're letting them talk to you like that.

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Just a couple more questions. Keep going? Gobby one, you, eh?

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We'll keep going. Would you mind stopping speaking to her like that, please?

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Like what? Can we keep going?

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"What is your religious preference?"

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Scientology. Scientology.

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Shut up. Scientology. What? Tom Cruise and aliens?

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How do you work with him? That's his belief.

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"What would you vote today in the event of an election?"

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Are you serious? Now you're canvassing for voters?

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No, we're not canvassing. You want to know what I'm going to vote?

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Asking me what my sexual position is.

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Do you know what, mate? What's that?

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I'll tell you. I'll tell you a sexual orientation.

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Uh-huh. Shagging your maw!

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Is that right, aye? Aye. Is that right? I'm going to...

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Don't you touch me.

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The police have no option but to pick up Pickle.

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Questionnaire...

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My maw widnae touch him.

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"So, how do you feel about your arrest?"

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Happy face? Sad face?

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Kind of disgruntled...

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Shite face. Put that down. Right.

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Ready to face up to any crime or conflict on his beat

0:15:050:15:08

is volunteer officer Ken Beattie.

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What is happening? This is so confusing.

0:15:120:15:15

Beattie's a one-man band with an army of collaborators.

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I've got a vast network of allies and associates who I use

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to help me with my police work. You know, I've got the prostitutes,

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I've got the homeless people,

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and my closest and best associate

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is a woman named Cilla who runs a soup van.

0:15:310:15:34

Cilla. Hello, darling.

0:15:340:15:35

How's my favourite lady of the night?

0:15:350:15:38

Och, I'm fine, I'm fine. How are you? Oh, I'm OK.

0:15:380:15:40

Do you want a wee soup? Oh, I'd love one.

0:15:400:15:42

Just the normal three pence, is it?

0:15:420:15:44

Yes, just put it in there.

0:15:440:15:47

There's an extra pound as well.

0:15:480:15:50

Oh, what are you like?

0:15:500:15:52

I found it in the street, so there we go. Oh, that's lovely, Ken.

0:15:520:15:55

Always pass it on.

0:15:550:15:56

We help each other, and we help other people, most importantly.

0:15:560:16:00

You know, she provides nutrients and food to the homeless people

0:16:000:16:04

and I provide them security.

0:16:040:16:06

We really are a good team, you know, like Batman and Robin,

0:16:060:16:10

if they fought against the abuse of homeless people.

0:16:100:16:13

I mean, I just help people. I really...

0:16:130:16:16

No, but I really appreciate it because no-one else does

0:16:160:16:18

around here. Honestly, you've got no idea how much I appreciate

0:16:180:16:21

everything you do for this community.

0:16:210:16:23

Cos you're like me, you just want to clean it up. I do, I really do.

0:16:230:16:25

And then people come along and ruin it. Like urinating on dead pigeons.

0:16:250:16:29

Talking about ruining it, Ken, I hope you don't mind.

0:16:290:16:32

I don't like snitching on people, I really don't.

0:16:330:16:36

You know? Oh, but you're going to?

0:16:360:16:39

Well, I don't like to say, but I think there might be

0:16:390:16:41

drugs being sold.

0:16:410:16:43

Where?

0:16:440:16:46

Round the corner.

0:16:460:16:47

I saw them...I saw them earlier on

0:16:520:16:55

and I just feel I had to say something. Aye, you do, you do.

0:16:550:16:58

I think...I think it's drugs.

0:16:580:17:00

If this comes off, I mean...

0:17:000:17:02

Would it help you? I'll get promoted!

0:17:020:17:05

Thank you for this. I'm off to catch some drug dealers.

0:17:060:17:09

Good for you.

0:17:090:17:11

All souped up and ready to go,

0:17:110:17:14

Ken's down on the re-up.

0:17:140:17:16

Oh, my God. It's happening, it's happening.

0:17:160:17:18

That's a drug deal. That is a drug deal. Oh, my God.

0:17:210:17:23

Officer Ken Beattie requesting backup on Carson Street.

0:17:240:17:29

There is a drug deal. I have just witnessed a drug deal.

0:17:290:17:32

The chicken is in the oven.

0:17:320:17:34

There they are.

0:17:340:17:36

Yes, get 'em.

0:17:360:17:37

Get 'em. Get 'em. Get 'em.

0:17:370:17:40

Yes!

0:17:400:17:41

Get in.

0:17:410:17:43

I've literally arrested a drug dealer.

0:17:430:17:46

Oh, my God, I need to tell Mandy.

0:17:460:17:48

Maybe I should phone her just now.

0:17:480:17:51

No, no.

0:17:510:17:53

Oh, God, I'm so excited.

0:17:560:17:58

Oh, my God, my knees.

0:17:580:18:00

Oh, Jesus. My legs are asleep.

0:18:010:18:03

Maggie LeBeau is well up on the ABC of police work.

0:18:050:18:09

She knows how to talk to the callers and is fluent in legalese.

0:18:090:18:14

I really am sorry that your birthday party was a disappointment,

0:18:150:18:18

but that legally wouldn't be considered grounds for provocation.

0:18:180:18:23

It's never quiet on the call front, even when it IS quiet on the call.

0:18:230:18:28

Police emergency, how can I be of assistance?

0:18:280:18:31

Police emergency, how can I be of assistance?

0:18:310:18:34

Sometimes we do get callers who've called 999 from their pocket.

0:18:340:18:38

Hello. Hello, is anyone there?

0:18:380:18:41

They can't hear you saying, "Get off the line."

0:18:410:18:44

So what we've developed instead is the arse caller whistle.

0:18:440:18:49

Basically, if somebody does pocket dial,

0:18:490:18:52

we get the whistle out...

0:18:520:18:53

SHRILL BLAST

0:18:530:18:55

..and then the person hears the whistle,

0:18:550:18:58

realises they've mistakenly

0:18:580:18:59

called the police and then the line's clear again.

0:18:590:19:02

No problem, sir, pocket dials happen all the time.

0:19:020:19:05

You have a good day.

0:19:050:19:07

And hopefully the next caller isn't an arse caller.

0:19:070:19:10

But if they are, I've got the whistle.

0:19:100:19:13

We've had a great increase in complaints about cyber bullying.

0:19:130:19:17

You know, people receiving abuse whilst gaming online.

0:19:170:19:20

You'll be not surprised to hear it's not a world

0:19:200:19:23

I know a great deal about.

0:19:230:19:25

Er, so, what I'm going to do this afternoon,

0:19:250:19:28

some of the boys have got in one of the arcade machines that the young

0:19:280:19:30

people use and I'm going to immerse myself in the online world of gaming

0:19:300:19:35

just to see if I can experience what that abuse feels like.

0:19:350:19:39

This is Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson entering the game.

0:19:390:19:43

MUFFLED SPEECH

0:19:430:19:46

Right, well, the abuse is quite instantaneous, I have to say.

0:19:460:19:50

I don't think there's any reason to talk to me like that.

0:19:500:19:53

I think we should just commence the game.

0:19:530:19:55

Ah, right, so that's moving.

0:19:550:19:57

No, listen...

0:19:570:19:58

That was a criminal offence, what he just said to me,

0:20:000:20:03

so I'm beginning to understand the issues at large here.

0:20:030:20:06

Right, and that is shooting.

0:20:060:20:08

That's good. There's me. Oh, that's a replay.

0:20:080:20:11

Sorry, I beg your pardon.

0:20:110:20:13

No, I think you'll find I have children

0:20:130:20:15

so that, no, that would be impossible.

0:20:150:20:17

I am most certainly not a virgin but that was certainly a good shot.

0:20:170:20:22

The graphics are very, very good.

0:20:250:20:27

The abuse is consistent

0:20:270:20:28

at a level that is really quite alarming but I'm impervious to it.

0:20:280:20:32

Don't you worry about that.

0:20:320:20:34

BLEEP move, just get the out BLEEP away, I'm going to BLEEP you.

0:20:340:20:37

You're going to eat BLEEP BLEEP. You little BLEEP

0:20:370:20:40

Stay there, you little BLEEP.

0:20:400:20:41

Right in the BLEEP face, man!

0:20:410:20:43

And I'm going to shoot your little BLEEP head right off

0:20:430:20:46

and then I'm going to BLEEP BLEEP.

0:20:460:20:49

Down the stump, you little Brazilian BLEEP.

0:20:490:20:52

I was bullied and I did some bullying myself.

0:20:520:20:55

There was a glimpse, you know, into the dark recesses of my soul.

0:20:550:21:00

But it...it helped me understand the problem more

0:21:000:21:04

so it was definitely...it was definitely worth doing.

0:21:040:21:07

I think I learned, you know, that

0:21:070:21:09

virtual words can hurt real feelings.

0:21:090:21:12

Anyway, if you'd excuse me, it's about 10.30 on the west coast

0:21:130:21:17

of America and I've got some teenagers to shoot in the face.

0:21:170:21:20

All right, Officer Karen.

0:21:230:21:24

Hello, Bobby. How are you doing?

0:21:240:21:26

I'm all right. What can I do for you?

0:21:260:21:28

I need some help. I need a helping hand.

0:21:280:21:31

What's up? I'm busy today, right? I'm going for a job interview.

0:21:310:21:34

Oh! And I was wondering if you could fill in, like,

0:21:340:21:37

a character reference and all that kind of stuff.

0:21:370:21:40

Right, OK. Leave it with me and I'll try and put something together

0:21:400:21:44

and you can pop back in tomorrow and pick it up.

0:21:440:21:46

No, that's the thing, it's in, like, an hour.

0:21:460:21:48

So if you could do it just now. OK. OK, then. Right,

0:21:480:21:51

just give me a couple of minutes and I'll fill it out for you.

0:21:510:21:54

You OK with that? So, what kind of job is it you're applying for?

0:21:540:21:56

It's the burger place down the road. Oh, right.

0:21:560:21:59

What sort of role is it?

0:21:590:22:00

It's in the kitchen as a kitchen porter. I don't make burgers.

0:22:000:22:04

Oh, right. But I still get free food.

0:22:040:22:06

You don't want to eat too many burgers, do you?

0:22:060:22:08

That's the only reason I'm applying for the place, to be honest,

0:22:080:22:10

Officer Karen. That... Well...

0:22:100:22:12

OK, but I just need a couple of minutes and I'll just fill this out.

0:22:120:22:16

OK, what are you putting down?

0:22:160:22:18

Just some general reference-y stuff, you know?

0:22:180:22:20

Yeah, good person?

0:22:210:22:23

Er, yeah, that kind of thing.

0:22:230:22:25

Sort of conscientious and, er,

0:22:250:22:28

persistent and time use and...

0:22:280:22:30

Timeunous?

0:22:300:22:33

Like, your timekeeping's good, that you're...

0:22:330:22:35

Oh, right, OK. That's good. Cos, I mean, you're always really good

0:22:350:22:38

at getting here exactly when I start my shift, aren't you? Exactly.

0:22:380:22:40

Yeah. Attention to detail and things.

0:22:400:22:43

Owns an Xbox.

0:22:430:22:45

I'm not sure if that's what

0:22:470:22:49

they'd be looking for me to back up for them.

0:22:490:22:52

Right, they're asking about your skills.

0:22:520:22:55

Like, erm... I'm a yellow belt.

0:22:550:22:58

Right. I don't think I've got a tick box for that

0:22:580:23:01

so I'll probably have to skip that one.

0:23:010:23:03

OK. See for swimming as well? Put it this way.

0:23:030:23:05

I cannae swim a length, but see if you were to throw me in the pool?

0:23:050:23:09

Mm-hm. I widnae drown.

0:23:090:23:11

OK.

0:23:110:23:13

Erm, it's asking about whether or not you can speak any languages.

0:23:140:23:19

So obviously you read, write, speak English.

0:23:190:23:21

Well, I can speak English.

0:23:210:23:24

Right.

0:23:260:23:27

OK.

0:23:270:23:29

So, can you...

0:23:290:23:30

What about any other languages? Do you...

0:23:320:23:34

No. I've got... I done French in school.

0:23:340:23:38

Right. Erm, Je adore fromage.

0:23:380:23:41

Je m'appelle Bobby.

0:23:410:23:44

Right. That's about all I've got.

0:23:440:23:45

OK. I do love cheese but, like, in real life.

0:23:450:23:48

Yeah. Like in French as well.

0:23:480:23:50

But in real life I love cheese.

0:23:500:23:53

Right. Can you...

0:23:530:23:55

Can you drive? Have you got a driving licence?

0:23:550:23:57

Can you drive? I'll give it a go.

0:23:570:23:59

I'll maybe just put "willing to learn". Willing to learn.

0:23:590:24:02

Yeah.

0:24:020:24:04

OK. Right, there we go.

0:24:040:24:05

Well, all the best with it. I hope you get it.

0:24:050:24:07

Thanks very much, Officer Karen.

0:24:070:24:09

Look, I know you're busy and stuff and I'm in here all the time,

0:24:090:24:12

but that means a lot. All right, Officer Karen.

0:24:120:24:14

All the best. Right, have a good day. Right, see you later. Bye, Officer Karen.

0:24:140:24:18

Back at Beattie's big dope bust,

0:24:220:24:25

the valiant volunteer is keen to share the glory

0:24:250:24:28

with the soup angel who blessed him with the incriminating info.

0:24:280:24:32

I just took down a drug deal.

0:24:320:24:33

No way.

0:24:330:24:35

Honestly! Oh! I've never been so excited in all my life.

0:24:350:24:37

Oh, Ken. Honestly.

0:24:370:24:39

Cilla, thank you so, so much.

0:24:390:24:41

I owe it all to you.

0:24:410:24:43

That's fantastic. This is going to mean the world to me.

0:24:430:24:46

Like, when they see I can do real police work, it means

0:24:460:24:48

I'll get a promotion. I'll finally become a real policeman.

0:24:480:24:52

That's them here.

0:24:520:24:53

Must be here to congratulate the one and only Ken Beattie.

0:24:530:24:57

Oh, Ken. Hello, boys. I was the one that phoned in the...

0:24:570:25:00

Ken Beattie. You want some soup?

0:25:000:25:02

Come with us, please.

0:25:020:25:05

What's going on? What are you doing? What are you doing?

0:25:050:25:07

What are you doing?

0:25:070:25:09

So, it turns out that Cilla was not what she seemed.

0:25:090:25:11

She was a drug dealer.

0:25:110:25:13

I'm going to kill you and cut your balls off!

0:25:150:25:17

Leave me!

0:25:170:25:19

Cilla! Do you realise who I am?

0:25:190:25:22

To make matters worse, when she was telling me

0:25:220:25:24

about drug dealers she was just wanting rid of her rivals.

0:25:240:25:27

She wasn't wanting to clean up the streets at all.

0:25:270:25:30

You're dead! Cilla!

0:25:300:25:32

I'll have you chopped up, you fanny!

0:25:320:25:34

I felt used and abused.

0:25:360:25:37

Your soup is too salty anyway!

0:25:370:25:40

I might volunteer to be a policeman

0:25:400:25:43

but I certainly don't volunteer to help drug...

0:25:430:25:47

queenpins...like Cilla.

0:25:470:25:52

Where's my money?

0:25:520:25:54

She's taken my money as well.

0:25:540:25:56

Well!

0:25:560:25:57

SIZZLING Agh!

0:25:570:26:00

Goodbye, soup van.

0:26:020:26:03

A new role in crime-busting for Beattie,

0:26:030:26:07

and all over the force, the cops find new ways to test themselves.

0:26:070:26:12

Right, phonetic alphabet, alcoholic drinks, right?

0:26:120:26:15

A.

0:26:150:26:16

Er, Archers. Beer.

0:26:160:26:19

Cognac.

0:26:190:26:20

Drambuie. Eggnog.

0:26:200:26:23

Right, phonetic alphabet, dinners, A.

0:26:240:26:26

An Indian dish, aloo matar.

0:26:280:26:30

Beef curry. Mm. Chicken and rice.

0:26:300:26:32

D...

0:26:320:26:34

Domino's Pizza.

0:26:340:26:35

Well, OK, I'll let you off with that.

0:26:370:26:39

I'll have Domino's Pizza for another time.

0:26:390:26:42

Phonetic alphabet, women's names.

0:26:420:26:44

Isabel.

0:26:440:26:46

Jean. Kirsty. Lisa.

0:26:460:26:49

Mon... Monica.

0:26:490:26:50

Er, Naomi.

0:26:520:26:54

Roger that, Control. Can we get a quick registration check?

0:26:540:26:58

Registration number

0:26:580:27:00

Spaghetti Lasagne five-three Pizza Bolognese Ravioli.

0:27:000:27:04

RADIO: 'Er, could you repeat that, please?'

0:27:040:27:07

What's the matter, mate?

0:27:070:27:08

Wrong phonetics.

0:27:100:27:12

Cancel that. Can we get a quick registration on

0:27:120:27:14

Sierra Lima five-three Papa Bravo Romeo?

0:27:140:27:18

'Check.'

0:27:180:27:19

That's why we shouldn't play that game.

0:27:190:27:22

You get them mixed up. It gets confusing, doesn't it?

0:27:220:27:24

I tell you what, I could fair go an Italian now, right enough.

0:27:240:27:27

One of the biggest frustrations of my job is the lag time,

0:27:270:27:30

the delay between the committing of the crime

0:27:300:27:33

and the appearance in court.

0:27:330:27:34

It can be months. You need to have immediate justice.

0:27:340:27:38

My idea is that you have judges on call.

0:27:380:27:43

A crime is committed, you've caught the boy, there's CCTV,

0:27:430:27:47

there's witnesses. Call up the judge.

0:27:470:27:49

He roars up on a motorbike.

0:27:490:27:53

"What's happening here?" Bang.

0:27:530:27:55

Dispenses justice.

0:27:550:27:57

That wee radge is up in the community centre painting the wall,

0:27:570:28:01

doing his 20 hours of community service.

0:28:010:28:04

Like anything, there's problems that immediately...

0:28:040:28:08

I'm just talking about it there, and I'm thinking, well,

0:28:080:28:10

what about the wig? How do you fit the crash helmet over the wig?

0:28:100:28:13

There's a problem right there. But there'll be solutions, you know?

0:28:130:28:16

If you think about it long enough, there'll be a solution.

0:28:160:28:18

It'll either be bigger helmets or smaller wigs.

0:28:180:28:20

I'm pretty certain of that. Or a hybrid.

0:28:200:28:23

It might be, like, one of the "See You, Jimmy" wigs

0:28:230:28:25

with the wee orange bits. It'll be the helmet,

0:28:250:28:28

a wee bit of the judge's wig there. But, look, I'm big ideas.

0:28:280:28:31

I'll leave the details to others.

0:28:310:28:33

What have you been up to? Something grubby?

0:29:010:29:03

I'm Dame Judi Dench, I'm a national treasure!

0:29:040:29:07

Why settle for a German Europe when you could have a Scottish world?

0:29:070:29:11

Top comic capers from Caledonia's crack team of cops. Out in the sticks, an outbreak of dodgy merchandise on sale in rural pubs sees Charlie McIntosh and Jane Mackay going undercover - with a little help from an all-time music legend on a night off. Volunteer officer Ken Beattie shows up at a city centre van to receive soup, sustenance and key info on shady deals. The Chief discovers a whole new world of insults when he flexes his itchy trigger finger and samples online gaming. Plus Maggie Le Beau produces the perfect piece of equipment to cut short any pocket dial. Blue light spoof comedy starring Jack Docherty, Chris Forbes, Ashley Smith, James Allenby-Kirk, M L Stone with special guest Phil Cunningham.