Spoof comedy following the Unified Scottish Police Force. Volunteer officer Ken Beattie wrestles with a dodgy dealer. The Chief pushes his professional productivity to the max.
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Coping with foul stenches...
Oh! That's howling, man.
..dumping dirty money.
Are you offering me a bribe?
..and dealing with cut-throat blades.
Hot on the heels of hoodlums.
..keeping the peace with ultimate force.
When the public say that they want more,
I think it's legitimate for me to give them less.
This is Scot Squad.
In the United States of Scottish police work,
one man has worked his way up to the very top.
I've just noticed Twatt in Orkney.
Hale to the chief of law enforcement,
Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.
I should have got a pickled egg.
I haven't met the new president yet.
I'm sure our paths will cross, the POTUS and I.
I did meet Obama.
A lovely three or four minutes up at Gleneagles once when
he was over golfing.
We connected, I think, there was a bond between us.
He recognised that we'd both overcome great hardships
to get where we are.
I mean, what are the odds of a white middle-class boy from Edinburgh
reaching a position of authority in Scotland?
Knights of the road, Tsars of the cars,
McKirdy and Singh patrol the highways
and slam the brakes on crime.
Is he being nice? Or is that a calculated move?
But these fast movers are also sensitive
to anyone in need of assistance,
human or otherwise.
We were called to the scene of an RTA,
which is a road traffic accident,
and we observed a gentleman who was involved.
He was quite banged up so he had to go to the hospital.
He was fine, nothing serious, but he had a dog with him.
So, we took it upon ourselves to take the dog into the back
of our car and keep him with us until we could safely drop him off
at the kennels.
What do you see? Any criminals?
Dugs are great, aren't they? We should be equipped with them.
Never mind having pepper spray or sticks, I'm telling you.
Dugs are great.
We've got so many different departments in the police,
and the dog unit is something I'd maybe consider.
No' yet, obviously my heart lies on the roads,
my heart lies with the traffic.
But this gave me a wee kind of taster of what it's like.
Oh, have you let aff?
That's stinking, man. Is that you?
Are you sitting in the back there farting?
-It is, isn't it?
It's that dug. Oh!
That's howling, man. Get the windaes doon.
We actually got a guy for speeding.
He was doing 38mph in a 30 zone.
When we pulled him up and got him in the back of the police car,
he started to complain that he was allergic to the dog.
I don't know if he was just playing up,
if he was just trying to wind us up,
but just to save any hassle I decided to swap seats,
we decided to swap seats with the guy.
I sat in the back while my colleague here wrote him out a ticket.
-Aye. Be careful how you drive.
Make sure you take your licence down to the station as well.
-Aren't you a good girl? Hello!
-I will, aye.
-All right, they'll process it, OK?
Aye, you can go on your way now.
McKirdy, back into the front now, come on, let's go.
I'll just stay in the back here.
I'm all right.
Obviously it was great having a dug with us for the day.
I would... Well, I'd love him as a partner,
but I would never ever swap you for a dug.
I'd never ever dae that to you.
Although it would be good to have somebody with hair.
I'm only kidding, champ.
In a community like this,
man's best friend can be his local police station.
With limited resources, desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar
juggles duties to decide what best deserves her diligence.
Just because we respond to a call doesn't necessarily mean
that that call is deserving of respondence.
As a respondee we do respond,
but it's not necessarily worth responding.
All right, Officer Karen. How are you doing?
I'm all right, Bobby, but I'm really busy today,
I don't really have time.
I know you're busy, but I've got some good news for you.
That's nice, but can you maybe come in and tell me about it tomorrow?
No, I cannae come in. What's all this stuff?
-I cannae come in tomorrow, it's today.
-I'm right in the middle
of a data migration, Bobby. We've got 15,000 records
-that we're trying to put in a new database.
And I need to get all of this...
No, no, no, no, no, no, please don't, please don't mess it up,
cos I know it doesn't not organised,
-but I actually know where everything is, OK?
So, I'll speak to you tomorrow.
No, look, Officer Karen, you need to listen to me.
Bobby. You have to go away, Bobby, OK?
I'm trying to be nice about it, but you have to leave.
Sometimes police work has to happen in a police station, OK?
-So, you can come back tomorrow. On you go.
-You're no' listening.
You are not listening. What did you tell me about people
-that don't listen?
-I can't remember, Bobby.
I wasn't really listening to myself, to be honest.
-Bobby, are we doing this now or what?
See? 'Mon in.
Tell her what's happening, she's no' listening to me.
Hi, Karen. It's lovely to meet you.
-I'm Shereen, nice to meet you.
-Miss Nanjiani, I'm a genuine fan.
Nice to meet you. Bobby has filled out this nomination form to nominate
you as one of Scotland's community heroes.
According to this, you've served your community
to an exceptional standard, you're an unsung champion whose actions
and deeds deserve wider recognition
and you're an inspiration.
I'm delighted to tell you that you've won,
so we're here to do a wee bit of filming with you if that's OK?
But she's really busy today and she cannae talk to us.
So, I'll tell you what, we're just going to go, right, Officer Karen?
-No, no, Officer Karen, I came in, you're busy,
-you've got your paperwork.
-We've got the crew outside.
-Shereen, we cannae dae it. Come on.
-It'll just take just five minutes.
-Shereen, the crew will need to go.
-Five minutes? Five minutes.
-No, she's too busy, Shereen. Come on.
-You're still getting paid, don't worry.
See you later, Officer Karen. Come on, Shereen.
Setting targets is an intricate process. It's...
The key is they have to be achievable targets, firstly.
If I was to tell you my target is to...
stand up, put my coat on and go home,
you'd go, "OK, that's an achievable target", but is it that exciting?
Now, if I was to say, conversely, I'm going to levitate
from this chair, summon up a unicorn,
fly home naked and have fish and chips
with the blonde lassie out of Game Of Thrones, you'd say,
"Well, that's some target, but is it achievable?"
You see? We're always looking for the middle ground.
Something that's exciting enough to engage the public and excite them,
but something that's also achievable enough that we, as a force,
can do it without that much effort.
Which is why I am committed to getting
chewing gum-free pavements in Scotland by the middle of June 2056.
Urban officers Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher
lift the lid on crime.
-Oh, it's a bam.
-Oh, it's a bam!
But as Halloween throws up extra challenges,
this Halloween the cops make sure they speak up for the victims.
We deal with a lot of varied crimes against people's sexuality,
against people's race, cultural insensitivity.
For example, the other day we were called out to what
just looked like a minor assault in the street.
But it turned out that the whole thing had been flipped on its head.
-Is it yourselves that phoned the police?
About bloody time, I've been bloody lamped.
-Yeah, a guy smacked me in the face.
Can I take your drink off you, please, boys?
You shouldnae be drinking in the streets.
Especially no' that. Rocket fuel.
It's not actually... It's not actually Buckfast.
-I wouldn't touch the stuff.
It's actually Merlot, it's quite nice.
Quite oaky, woody.
It was mental cos you've got a really posh guy dressed as a bam.
We had a, sort of, late lunch, leisurely meal,
that little Greek taverna that's round the corner.
It's beautiful. And we come walking down the street,
we'd had a little couple of drinks,
and he shouted from the other side of the pavement,
"Oi, big man, fanny...baws..."
Something, something like that.
And then he came running over, smacked me.
Your voice, if you don't mind me saying, doesn't fit with your...
Your stereotype. You look like bams.
-We're just out for Halloween, you know?
-So, we're just dressing up.
-Ah, this is a costume?
-Yeah, it's just a bit of banter.
-Maybe the fellow that lamped you,
were you mocking him, was he dressed like this?
He could have been, yes.
We're not saying you're allowed to go smashing folk round in the face,
but you can maybe understand he felt he was getting mocked,
culturally insensitive. It could be perceived as a hate crime.
You know what these people are like, they don't have an ounce of sense,
uneducated people who roam the streets and they're just...
They're looking for violence.
It's not just poor people that cause crimes.
Politicians. The biggest criminals of all.
I mean, they're slightly better crimes, aren't they?
I mean, let's be honest, no-one's going around punching anyone in the
-House of Lords, are they?
-Right, I'm going to ask yous
a wee favour, boys, OK? Take your hat off, please.
Dress up as something different next year.
Minions or something, like a cartoon.
Do I look five years old?
Well, you're in a tracksuit, mate.
Cos that way a real-life cartoon or a real-life minion,
is no gonnae come across the street and batter you, is he?
Stop mocking people, OK?
Right, look after yourselves.
-Stick in at the job.
-The cops take the vintage Merlot off the street.
This party's over as Lord Snooty
hangs up his Bam Man costume for good.
He was upper-class, but he certainly had no class.
Meanwhile, the chief steers the steering committee
in the right direction.
OK, gentlemen, moving on.
Yesterday, you saw a set of statistics
showing that crime in Scotland is on the rise.
Well, let me tell you, no, you didn't.
What you saw was a set of statistics suggesting crime in Scotland
was on the rise. Let's have a look at them.
So, there we are, mobile phone theft up 100%.
Internet fraud up 100%.
Theft of hybrid vehicles up 100%.
Pretty damning statistics, I think you will agree.
Until you realise there were no mobile phones,
internet or hybrid vehicles in 1848,
the year in which these statistics are being compared to.
So, let's play them at their own game.
Let's look at some success stories.
Witchcraft down 100%, rustling down 100%.
Scrumping down 100%.
Now, the only constant throughout the years is bestiality.
It just seems that every generation throws up
the same amount of nut jobs who want to have sex with a chicken.
As the chief plays up the figures,
Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie plays up the community.
There we go, the fudge is in the hole.
He's ready for anyone
and anything at any time... ANGRY SHOUTING
..anything dodgy goes down on his shift.
Stop, police, police, come back!
-I'm trying to phone up backup.
-Do you want to get off me, mate?
Officer requesting backup on Simpson Street.
-Naw, he's no'.
-I've apprehended a suspect in a suspected drug deal.
-Naw, he's no'.
-Over. Right, come on, you.
-What are you daeing, man?
-What do you mean what am I doing?
I'm arresting you for a drug deal which I just witnessed.
-There's that money you dropped.
-What are you talking about, man?
So, that is yours.
-That's no' my money, mate.
-That is your money.
You can take that money.
-What do you mean "I can take it"?
-I mean, you can take that money,
and we'll...I'll be off, you know?
Are you offering me a bribe.
-No, mate, I'm just saying you take that money.
No, no, I will not be taking that money because this money is yours,
so, I'll be putting that back in your pocket.
Now you're planting evidence on me, mate, that's, that's...
-Are you a dirty cop, mate?
Ken Beattie is not dirty, Ken Beattie is clean.
I'm one of the cleanest cops there is.
-You're planting money on me, mate.
-I'm not planting money at all.
-It's your money.
-That's not my money.
-You just did a drug deal.
What do you mean, it's not your money? I seen you. It's yours.
-It's yours, mate...
..if you know what I mean. Take the money, mate, go doon the theatre.
Do you like Les Mis?
-How do you know that?
-You just look like the type that likes Les Mis,
-do you know what I mean?
-Go and see it.
-I do like Les Mis a lot.
Go and see it, mate. Take that money.
No, of course I'm not going to the theatre
with your blood money. I don't know what to do, though.
There. That's that settled.
-That's you planting money on me again, mate.
-Stop saying that.
You know there's CCTV round here, mate, they'll see that.
-If this goes to court, I'll say, "Look at the cameras."
Oh, my God, it's the police. He's here.
Suspected drug dealer.
-He's got money, I've got money,
he accused me of planting evidence. I never planted evidence, OK?
I'm a clean cop.
Calm it down, wee man.
Calm it down. All you have to do is haun' it into the station.
Six weeks it's yours, know what I mean?
-Can you do that?
-Of course you can.
-Sorry about that.
-Are you going to calm down?
-Yes, yes, of course, sorry.
-We'll take it fae here, right?
See you later.
I caught him, by the way, Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie.
Put in a good word for me.
The cash was claimed the next day.
Meanwhile the head of the police is concerned
with the head of the head of the police.
So, the time-and-motion boys have been looking into
how I can best spend my time more efficiently.
One of the areas they are looking into is my haircut.
I normally go to Studio Spectum,
and they've got one of those lovely wee cappuccino machines.
Chantelle washes my hair,
then Nicki gives me a massage scalp.
And then Erin cuts it, and then her twin, Kayleigh, a lovely girl,
she will blow-dry it.
So, you know, door-to-door it takes maybe four, four and a half hours.
So, the time-and-motion boys think maybe we can make a saving there.
That's where we're looking today - let's have a haircut at the desk.
Jean, when is the, uh...
the meeting about the security issue at Balmoral, is that the 14th?
Jean? What's the password for, er...
that bunch of Faslane files we've got.
Aye, the sensitive ones.
You're going to bring the boat in where, Stonehaven?
OK. You reckon it's a bigger...?
You reckon it's a bigger haul than last week's?
OK. I want every hold searched, I want them searched,
I want the fish searched, right?
Jean, I'm just going through the diary,
and I think we're going to have...
-..to move a couple of things around here.
..the meeting with the Justice Secretary
I think we're going to have to put that on a Thursday.
Very happy with that.
You want to have a feel of that yourself? No?
Smooth as butter.
Yeah, so haircut, also, I like it.
Didn't lose any time regarding police work and,
between you and me, Ali gave me some very interesting information
about who's selling the counterfeit cigarettes down in Granton.
At Copcom's HQ,
Maggie LeBeau picks up all the crucial info
and gets all the key details.
What was your name, sorry?
Christine. Christine what?
Christine from the roll shop?
I'm going to need your second name.
It's just we don't have a roll shop option on our system here.
Fully focused, even with time wasters.
Daily, I get phone calls from people who are phoning up to report crimes
that are not crimes.
Often they're just complaints about something people don't like.
Somebody's opened an olive oil shop in your street
and you think it's "heavy dodgy"?
For example, a bus stop might have a poster of Justin Bieber on it,
and when you walk past that bus stop
you might want to scrape your eyes out.
If I walked past that bus poster, I would want to scrape my eyes out.
However, that being there is not a crime, so don't call 999.
And the Scottish Police Force would always advise that you don't scrape
your eyes out for any reason.
You think that your neighbour has stolen the lawnmower.
What makes you think that he's stolen it?
Just because he earns less than you
doesn't necessarily mean that it's stolen.
We get calls daily from people who say,
"Oh, so and so hasn't opened their curtains for three days."
That's not a crime, that's not an emergency.
You know, they've probably just got a heavy hangover.
999 is not appropriate for a curtain call.
In the bonnie hills and the bonnie glens,
McIntosh and Mackay stamp out anything they reckon could be iffy.
-What's going on?!
-You're under arrest!
But tradition decrees they go softly-softly
when the locals want to party hard.
Every town has its own festivals and traditions.
People have gala days and fairs.
We have the Butter Fist.
The Butter Fist?
It's an age-old tradition.
A huge local fair.
They do stuff from the morning right through to the evening.
They bring out a huge barrel of butter
and they put it right in the village centre.
Everyone just fists into the butter,
and whatever you manage to scoop up, you get to take that home with you.
You haven't lived until you've fisted a barrel of butter.
I must take you fisting some time, you'll love it.
The big thing, someone is elected the Butter Man.
He has to then take two fistfuls of butter.
There's a bunch of Butter Bashers around.
-Yeah, they're trying to stop the Butter Man
getting from one end of the town to the other
because he has to get to the other end
because if he does so and completes it before sundown
he gets to take the Butter Queen to the Butter Ball.
You know, inebriation and public lubrication
was something that we were supposed to guard against,
but apparently if you do it annually
-then we can help you celebrate.
-You've got to help me, they're after my butter.
-You know the rules as well as I do.
No, no, we can't abet the Butter Man.
-Anything, come on, help me out.
-On your way.
Get going, quick, they'll be here soon.
-Just up there.
-What are you doing?
-You cannot abet the Butter Man.
-Where be the Butter Man?
-There be the Butter Man.
Charlie, you said you weren't supposed to... You can't help...
If somebody asks the question, you have to give the answer.
Come on, now, get him.
Charlie, he's sitting on top of him.
No, he's fine, he can breathe.
He can't breathe. Charlie, this is assault.
No, it's a wee knobbing, that's what they call it.
-A wee what?
-Just a knobbing,
they're trying to get the knobs of butter off him.
-That is horrendous, and this is...
-Give him a knobbing for me!
-He's broken free!
- The Butter Man's away! - Come on, then!
He'll have a whole day of that. God, that is...
What I would give to be the Butter Man.
It got a little bit wild at times, but nowhere near as bad as 2009.
That was a particularly messy affair -
not enough butter, too much fist.
You do the math.
One of our biggest challenges is keeping up with technology.
Do you know what is just around the corner? Driverless cars.
I can tell you now, that's the next big one.
Because, if there's an accident,
or a crime committed by a driverless car,
even something as simple as speeding,
there's no driver to arrest.
What do we do? Can we arrest the car?
Can we imprison the car?
I honestly don't know the answer to these questions,
but somebody needs to find out,
because the future is coming straight towards us
and we need to know,
we need to meet it head on.
The main question is, will the car ever be treated as a sentient being?
Right now, we can say what we want about our cars.
You know? But in the future, might they take offence?
I've got a crappy Renault.
I can say "bloody French cars" any time I want,
but if that Renault comes to understand that it's a French car,
is it going to take offence on that?
Then the public might worry about us pulling over too many black cars,
that'll be the next thing.
You know? And then, is an MOT an invasion of their privacy?
These will be the issues, mark my words.
The public have to deal with dangerous hucksters out to con them
for an easy buck, so it's lucky Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar
has their back.
It's important to remember that being a victim of crime does not
automatically make you a fool.
Even the best of us can be duped.
Confidence tricksters will worm their way right inside your life.
I like to liken it to taking care of dolphins.
You know? Everybody is dolphin-friendly, aren't they?
Well, we, we are tuna-friendly.
The Scottish Police Force is there to look after the tuna, too.
-Bobby, how are we doing?
-You all right?
-I'm fine, yeah.
Are you hurt, or anything? Are you safe?
-I'm perfectly all right.
-The thing is, I was worried, right?
I got a deal off Groupon, right, and I went to see a fortune teller.
And see the fortune teller,
she gave me a warning.
She was like that,
"Someone you know is in grave danger."
-It's a lassie, right?
-She's got blonde hair, blue eyes, and she's always smiling,
and something bad's going to happen.
And I thought, I need to go in and tell Officer Karen
-and make sure you're all right.
-Yes, I'm fine, Bobby.
Why did you feel you had to tell me
about this risk to an unnamed blonde,
blue-eyed lady of your acquaintance?
I was just wondering, cos maybe, you know how,
when people are, like, born, they've got blonde hair,
and when you get older your hair goes darker?
Well, I can reassure you, Bobby,
that I did not have blonde hair when I was a child.
So, you're OK?
I'm fine. It's a shame, Bobby - these people are charlatans.
Fortune telling is the last bastion for a credible society,
who are seeking some kind of higher power to give them an opportunity
to see a future for themselves,
and to feel as though someone else is in control of their destiny,
rather than having to accept that the universe
is just a very complex mechanism
that operates on its own rules and you can't really control it.
That's what I said.
Then the thing to do, Bobby,
is to accept that maybe the best thing
is to appreciate every day as an adventure.
You move forward through life never knowing
what's going to happen to you,
-it's going to be a lot more fun, isn't it?
Don't you worry, don't you let those charlatans take you in, OK?
Right, OK, I'll go up and get my sausage rolls,
and I'll come back down. Anyway, see you later, Officer Karen, bye.
-I'm good, thanks.
-Right OK, see you later.
-See you later.
I'll tell you, the amount of vehicles
that we've pulled over in our career,
we've pulled over motors, vans, lorries, boats.
The other day we were travelling along and we seen a male
travelling at some speed going down the main road.
Whit? He's in the middle of the road.
'We pulled him over.' Hi, what are you playing at?
-All right, boys.
Some speed you were going at, do you not think?
Look, it was an emergency.
What was the emergency, what's happening?
Well, I was getting my shopping back from my neighbour, you see,
before it defrosted, because it's all frozen food, cos he's elderly.
What have you got for him, anyway? Frozen cheese and ham toasties?
The basics, you see?
Is that us done? I've got to go, boys, here, man, come on!
He started to get a wee bit shifty.
He started to act a wee bit edgy, on edge, as if he was hiding something,
but nothing gets by us.
On further inspection, I found something that completely shocked
and surprised me.
Is this what they're selling down the freezer shop now, eh?
No, it must have been planted.
What is this? Charlie, skank?
-I don't know.
-I don't know.
Right, so you've been scooting all roon' aboot Iceland
with this in the back of your..?
I didnae realise, cos I cannae see behind me,
-I'm no' an owl.
-You've got of a lot of explaining to do, boy.
-Right, we're going to have to take you down the station.
The cops have seen enough and call it in.
We'll mibbe need to get a van. 5-1 to Force Control...
-The suspect powers off.
-Come back, you!
-Get the handbrake on.
-Get the ignition off.
-Switch it off.
-Is the ignition off?
Get it off! I'm no' wanting to use a stinger, right?
That's the last thing I want to use on these new wheels.
You know, in the police force we don't see race, religion, ability,
but what we do see is big bags of gear.
And he had a big bag of gear, so we arrested him.
The modern Scottish police officer is professional and presentable.
-I'm looking to sign up for the police.
Could I have a wee leaflet, please?
-I'll deal with it, it's cool.
Doing good. Feeling good.
Have you noticed?
What about it?
I spent 112 quid on it.
Bit of colour, styling.
It's exactly the same.
By a master stylist.
Would you stop looking in that mirror?
That's not what that mirror is for.
I think it is, it's to see if there are any cars coming.
-It's an investment.
-Investment in what?
An investment in, well, think of the birds I'll get.
I'll tell you...
It's like an ISA for shagging.
-Mate, mate, listen, listen.
We're going to take you down to the station, you understand that?
Can I ask you a quick question?
How much would you pay for a haircut like this?
-Girls, girls, girls, hey, hey.
-The pair o' yese...
-She's a slag!
-Come here, you!
You're going to make me bald! I'm going to look like a monk! Right.
-Right, that's it, I'm arresting you!
-You're under arrest.
I'm not peppering her, Jack!
-Get my lawyer!
-Let go of his hair! He's just had that done,
-cost him a bloody fortune.
-What are ye gonnae do?
-What have you got in it?
It's 23 quid a tub.
Doing good while still looking good.
Meanwhile, the chief has a good idea.
So, I've been looking at ways in which the digital economy
can potentially raise revenue for the police force.
And interestingly, you'll find that most crimes are committed solo,
so that when we arrest the criminal,
there's only one person in the back of the car.
So there is an available seat.
Seems silly to waste that.
Is there anything we can do with that?
My thinking is Police Uber.
How about that?
We're making the journey anyway - why not pick someone up on the way?
What member of the public
is not going to enjoy a ride in a police car?
And, of course, it's the safest ride in town.
You can guarantee the driver has been CRB-checked.
Has he been vetted? Yes. Are the police happy with them?
Of course they're happy, they ARE the police!
Now, like any tremendous idea,
you need to be forensic and look for flaws.
Potentially here I see the problem being
if Police Uber takes off, yeah?
Then the actual Uber drivers become unemployed.
As we know, unemployment leads to crime, we're back at square one.
the answer is we flip it
and we get the Uber boys to pick up the criminals.
So, you phone in the crime, we phone the Uber boys,
the Uber boys drive round, scoop up the criminal, bring 'em back to us.
You could see that working, couldn't you?
It's all kicking off - don't worry, there's an Uber XL two minutes away.
He'll come and sort it out. Flawless.
Fighting the lawless and ensuring the law wins. Volunteer officer Ken Beattie wrestles with a dodgy dealer and the dilemma of whether that dealer is or isn't offering him a bribe. Officer Karen is in the middle of something and has no time whatsoever for whatever Bobby wants to bother her about - even if it involves a famous face recognising a community hero. Party animals go wild in the country as Charlie introduces Jane to the etiquette surrounding the rural festival known as the Butterfist. And the Chief pushes his professional productivity to the max as he receives an open razor shave at his desk. Starring Jack Docherty, James Allenby-Kirk, Karen Bartke, Darren Connell, Chris Forbes, Ashley Smith and special guest Shereen Nanjiani.