Spoof comedy following the first Unified Scottish Police Force. Traffic officers Surjit Singh and Hugh McKirdy get a rude awakening. Chief Miekelson selects a modern playlist.
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Coming up... Major nudity...
Have we caught you at a bad time?
Look at that van. Does that say "prick"?
..and scenes of a bedroom nature.
Can you scratch my pinky?
Extreme situations that call for an extreme police response.
Dream team, dream team!
This is...Scot Squad.
Scotland's cops are constantly adapting to combat crime.
One man fully clued up on the evolution of the crime-fighter
is the Charles Darwin of law enforcement,
Chief Commissioner Cameron Miekelson.
Oh, the force has changed considerably since I joined.
A few years ago now, I can tell you! But for the better.
You know, we're better equipped, it's fairer.
The young recruits now, they're fitter,
they're faster, they're leaner.
They're not taller, I'll give you that, they are not taller.
if you were to push me, call me old-fashioned,
but I think the only thing I regret about modern policing is getting rid
of the height restriction. You know, I think, look,
I think there's just something,
there's a certain gravitas, isn't there?
With a gentleman over six feet tall, you know?
You're not any less of a man if you're under 5' 8" -
although, TECHNICALLY, you are,
there is just simply less of you.
It's a question of authority.
Who's taking this guy seriously?
But, other than that, the force has definitely improved.
On the big city streets,
the best are taking the concept of policing better to bigger heights.
Street cops Sarah Fletcher
and Jack McLaren are using the full force of fairness.
It's important to be inclusive in the police force
and be nonjudgemental about people's lifestyles, religion, backgrounds,
all that sort of thing,
even the most, kind of... confusing circumstances.
We were responding to a burglary and we were firstly confronted
with a moody teenager.
Mum, it's the police.
And then down the stairs came...
the owner of the house.
Good afternoon, police officers,
thank you so much for coming, thank you.
'And she was naked.'
I've seen more naked women than most, I would imagine,
but it was still, still a shock when you're not expecting it.
Usually I expect or instigate it, but it was a shock.
Do you want me to put some clothes on?
-No, if that's how...
-Are you sure?
I can easily put some clothes on if you're embarrassed.
If you're comfortable...
I'm very comfortable like this, this is me all the time.
If you're uncomfortable, I'll put some clothes on.
Are you a naturist, is that what you do?
-Are you OK with that?
-So, you've had a break-in.
So, if you want to take us to where the break-in...
-Yeah, if you just want to...
-Where they entered.
-..want to come this way?
When you're in someone's surroundings and you're invited in,
you need to be as comfortable as they are
and make them feel comfortable, so if she's in the buff,
we've not necessarily got to get into the buff,
but we've got to be comfortable with that.
But we'd always take our hats off entering someone's house,
-but that's as far as I'm certainly prepared to go.
So, in here you maybe think, did they come from up there or...?
-No, I don't.
-No, no, over here.
-Let me just show you.
-Just over here.
And that scratch, that wasn't there before?
Do you see any fingerprints?
No, no, at the minute.
Do you need a hand or anything, Jack? No.
And then down here.
In here, if you look. Oh, sorry, I touched that.
No, that, that's OK.
If you look down in there, there's DVDs.
A naked ambition to serve his community
is something Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie has in spades.
From pounding the pavement...
..to nailing noise nuisance.
I'll just pump it up a bit, come on.
Don't pump anything up.
Always keen to assist,
ever ready to wade in and lend a hand.
In my job, you need to always be ready to help people at all times.
-Two secs, sir, I'm just coming for you.
-Are you OK, sir?
-No, mate, listen, I need your help,
it's the first in the right, mate, the door's open.
So, I rushed into action.
It transpired that this man had broken both his legs, you know,
he was bedbound, so I went into the house
and I offered my assistance to him.
Mate, gonnae dae us a favour?
-Oh, of course, sir.
-Gonnae... My telly remote, I cannae reach it.
Oh, OK. Sorry, sorry, I'm Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie.
-Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie.
Can you, are your arms OK?
Good for you, mate.
-Oh, God, don't move, don't move, are you OK?
I cannae move, mate.
-What happened to you?
-Work, work-related, aye.
I get very sore legs as well in my job.
I'm walking around a lot.
There you go.
-There you go.
Just watch that, watch that apple juice down there, mate.
-OK. Apple juice.
-It's not apple juice, but...!
That's, that's, that's no' apple juice, mate.
TV TURNS ON
Can you scratch my pinky? It's really, really itchy.
-My pinky toe.
-Aye... No, no, no! No wi' your finger.
-Oh, sorry, sorry.
There's colour pencils or something, or a fork,
-I don't know, whatever you can get.
-Just bang right in about it.
-There's plenty of things, anyway.
Plenty of stuff you could podger it wi', mate.
Just find a wee podger.
-Go for it, mate.
-You wanting the rubber or the lead?
-Lead, wee pointy bit.
-Gie it some of that.
-It might be quite sore.
-That's you, up and down, up and down.
In about it.
Jimmy that action about it.
Oh, 'ere your dinner.
I mean, if you're no' too busy, could...?
A wee cup of tea, mate, the kitchen's just through there.
Honestly, honestly, I really appreciate this.
-That's no worries at all.
-No worries at all, sir.
-Straight through, mate.
No problem is too big or too small for Desk Sergeant Karen Ann Millar.
And when it comes to problems,
whether she finds that problem herself...
All right, Officer Karen?
..or the problem finds her...
Where do you want these?
Do you want them there or behind the desk?
Or I'll put them in the toilet.
..she always makes the right call.
Thanks very much, sir, bye-bye.
-All right, Officer Karen?
-How are we doing, Bobby?
Look, I was wondering, I'm in a rush today, I was wondering
if you could help us put my flyers up for my new business model.
-I know how you're always saying, like, get motivated,
positive thoughts lead to positive thinking, all that kind of stuff.
-So, can you put that up in the station,
maybe put that down there for the customers?
"Bobby Muir's speaking clock."
So, what kind of business is that going to be?
-Well, basically, see when you pick up your phone, right?
-See if you dial that number?
I'll tell you the time.
But I'll have a wee chat with you as well.
OK, I mean, that's a nice...
That's a nice, kind of, positive suggestion.
I'm not sure exactly where the,
where the moneymaking element is in that particular business model.
It's baby steps, innit?
I was also thinking as well, like, see if you wanted to stop smoking
and you couldnae stop, then I hang about with you
and every time you go to smoke I, like, slap it out your hand.
But I wouldn't do it like bad, I'd be like, "What you smoking for?
"Eh? I thought you wanted to stop."
And then I was thinking about having, like,
you know how all these kind of fancy places are starting to open up?
So, like, punting gravy.
Because I love gravy.
A gravy restaurant?
No, a gravy van, like, driving about in a van and just punt it.
Or a cinema pal, like, you know how sometimes you go to the cinema
and, you know, you've no' got a pal?
Well, if you phone my number,
I would be your pal, I'll go the cinema with you.
I mean, yeah, that's a nice idea.
I mean, you're probably going to find that you're only going
to be able to have one customer at a time, so you'd probably have
to charge them quite a lot. Because, you know,
what you're looking for is strong income potential,
a good, strong income stream, and that means that you're busy,
you're out there, out THERE,
doing business outside, you know, and that's great.
Thank you very much, Officer Karen.
I'm going to go away and honest to God, right, I swear,
see the next time you see me?
I'm going to be a millionaire.
In that case, I'll probably not see you tomorrow.
And I don't forget my pals, Officer Karen, so I'll see you later,
-See you later, Bobby.
-Bye. See you, Officer Karen.
In today's Scotland,
not only do the Scottish Police Force deal with today's criminal,
they must recruit to stay ahead of the criminal of tomorrow's world,
a world that is already here today.
My name's Archie Pepper.
I'm the head of the force's...
Let me get this right -
our Covert Inadvertent Alert Investigation unit.
It's a unit. I'm the head of the unit.
Basically, if some fanny commits a crime and then
brags about on Facebook, I take screenshots.
You do need certain qualifications,
but it's a little different, what I do.
Yeah, I didn't go to, like, police academy or anything like that.
Or police university or...
I went to the university of hard knocks.
You know, Dundee.
I did graphic design.
But I didn't just walk out of uni into the job. I had a job before.
You know, I was an ice cream correspondent for BuzzFeed.
But, you know, there's parallels.
Ten reasons mint chocolate chip is an underrated ice cream flavour,
ten reasons your Uncle Barry's a roaster and he's getting the jail.
The good thing is, you don't need official qualifications
when people are just going to write on Facebook,
"Just robbed the bank, lol."
You just take a screenshot and get on with your day.
Back at the butt-naked break-in,
Officers McLaren and Fletcher hope that the evidence
reveals as much as the victims.
There was some DVDs of whatever nature
and the laptop, most importantly, which was...
Contained a lot of holiday photos
and personal family photos.
Which are all going to look the same because of,
obviously, in the scud.
-We haven't touched anything.
-Oh, there's another one.
-Is this your...? This is your...?
-This is, this is Jack.
-Hello, officers, thanks for coming.
-Nice to meet you.
-Nice to meet you, Jack.
I'm Jack too, yeah.
That's where the similarities end.
Do you want a wee bite to eat or anything?
No, absolutely fine, we'll just get this investigated.
And then, I don't know what's happened with this.
'Then there was a broken vase on the table that had blood on it,'
which we established pretty quickly wasn't their blood.
-Definitely not your blood?
That's brilliant news because that's Soco.
-Scenes of Crime, different department than us,
-so that's not our jurisdiction. It's not us.
-We're just bodies that,
I mean, we're people that go on the...
Scenes of Crime can go in there and do their stuff, find DNA,
which was a proper result for us.
I mean, we could, we could get to, cos it's another department.
So... Oh, there's a wee hair there as well.
-Oh, that's not one of ours either.
-Possibly it might be?
-Not mine, definitely not.
Maybe you should have had a wee shave this morning, then, Jack!
We'll get that seen to as well so it'll rule out
if it's anything to do with either of you.
-Thanks very much for your help.
-Thanks a lot, have a nice day.
-Nice to meet you, bye.
-Like me to help you there?
-Yeah, you put them back.
We like to think that in every circumstance we treat everyone
equally and we will handle everyone in the same way.
Meanwhile, the clean-up continues for Beattie.
I ended up cleaning for him because he was incredibly messy, you know,
there was stuff everywhere.
You're doing a grand job, Kenny boy.
I do the washing for the prostitutes once a month.
They bring all their laundry to me.
So that's why I'm so good at ironing.
So, I was hoovering and ironing and washing, you know,
just general police work, really.
Nice smell off that, innit?
Yeah, it is, actually.
So, tell me, what exactly is it you do for work?
Well, just kind of like, used to do deliveries and that.
Deliveries for a Chinese or Indian?
I'm quite partial to a Chinese.
No, like deals and that.
watches or socks?
It turned out that he was a drug dealer,
which was quite a shock to me.
You know, I'd been helping a drug dealer,
something I never thought would have happened.
Oh, my God, I can't believe
I've been cleaning up after you, you scumbag!
A drug dealer?!
There you go, how do you like that?
I've been running around after you.
Then his mother came back.
Give me that. Don't touch that.
There you go. Try and watch the TV now, Mr Drug...
-FRONT DOOR OPENS
-That's me in, son!
What's going on here?
I'm Volunteer Officer Ken Beattie.
-Pleasure to meet you.
Do you think?
What are you doing here?
Well, I was helping your son tidy up your house, actually.
-Trying to say I've got a dirty house?
-I'll tell you something,
(is a drug dealer.)
How do you think his legs got broken?
Ma maw chucked me down the stair.
Turns out she actually pushed him down the stairs.
And she threatened to do something quite similar to me, so...
Ended up staying for another five hours,
cleaning up the house some more.
Maybe I'll think twice about helping someone,
because anyone could be a drug dealer.
That's what I've learned from that.
-could be a drug dealer.
I'm definitely not a drug dealer.
Well, of course,
I can only enforce the laws that are currently in place, you know.
The law is fluid.
For instance, at the moment, alcohol is legal,
cannabis is illegal.
That could change. Currently, there's a prohibition on cannabis.
America's the example.
There used to be prohibition on alcohol.
It's told in The Untouchables, you'll remember the film.
Big Sean, the Irish-American cop.
Remember the line, "He puts one of yours in the hospital,
"you put one of his in the morgue."
Classic, old-school policing, I like to say.
And then, of course, at the end of that movie, the wee lad's saying,
"Elliott, Elliott, we might be repealing prohibition."
He goes, "Well, I'll have a drink, then."
That could be us tomorrow.
Cannabis could be legal.
Now, do I immediately spark up a big doobie?
But never say never.
A breaking crime situation is escalating.
It's time for Archie Pepper, covert cop...
Screenshot, you're going down.
..to infiltrate the web and penetrate the cyber wall.
OK, so we just got word through that there's been a robbery
at a jewellery shop, and a diamond necklace has gone missing.
So down on the ground they'll be trying to, you know,
run around, putting up wanted posters, whatever they do.
Easiest way, just...
Just start searching online, you know.
Keywords - diamonds, necklace.
Certain things just pop up now and again.
You know, like...
"Spoiled again, he knows me so well," that kind of thing.
Just start peppering that search bar with words like that.
OK, so, what have we got here?
"Diamonds fae bae." Cheryl Duncan, there you go.
Picture of the necklace. Let's find out who bae is.
Give me five minutes, I reckon I'll crack this, honestly,
it's an absolute piece of piss, you'd be amazed.
Eh up, here we go, man in a suit,
he's got his arm round her in a way that suggests
they're not blood relations or casual acquaintances.
I think it's your bog-standard bae, that's such a bae photo.
Let's get them.
OK, John, what's his name? John?
He is bae, we've got bae.
There we go, John Osborne.
Let's add him.
Here we go, John, straight away again.
100% record, there we go.
There he is, just checked in at Kreme Krunch.
Two minutes ago.
So I'll just get on the phone, get the boys to go and sort him out.
Check yourself into the jail, John,
you're going down for a very long time.
Yeah, that's just one way of doing it.
Most of my time is spent just sitting here
waiting for people to hand themselves in.
You know, don't call me a hero, these people are clowns.
Scotland's ring roads can be a circus of shoddy driving.
Road ringmasters Hugh McKirdy and Surjit Singh
have the street skills to fix the fuss.
-That's no' your motor.
-I'm 18, I've had it for a year.
-You're about ten year old, wee man.
Inspecting the unacceptable, spotting the signs.
Honestly, you see some sights when you're patrolling about the streets.
Look at that van. Does that say...?
-That say "prick" at the back of that van?
'This van wasn't any normal type of van.'
It had been absolutely abused.
-Look, he's got more written on the side.
-Aye, pull over.
-Cannae have that round about here.
Excuse me, sir. You'll need to come to the side of the road.
-Come out of your van.
It's just about that offensive wordage on the side of you.
Oh, right. Oh, aye, that.
All right, want to come and explain this?
It's fine, it's easy to explain, really.
It's the wife that's done this.
Right, the wife.
-My wife? Yeah, THE wife. My wife.
It's got her written all over it, to be honest.
Shagger, prick, slimeball.
-She calling you a shagger?
-She calling herself a...?
-Aye, me, me. That's me.
-You're the shagger?
-I'm the shagger.
Why's she calling you that?
I've been playing away from home a wee bit, you know.
Well, it was with her sister.
-Yeah, aye, I know.
Hold on, you've been having an affair with your...
-Yeah, yeah. I'm the shagger.
I love women, I love the female form, you know.
-Your trousers are all ripped up.
-Aye, she did that as well.
She didn't stop at the van.
Have you no' got a spare pair of trousers
you could have wore the day?
-She's kind of done it to all of them.
-All your clothes are...?
How'd you manage to get all these..? How'd you get these...?
I've got good people skills, I'm quite a charmer.
-As easy as that?
We did advise him to take his van back to his house.
There's no way we could let him drive about the streets
with that bad language on the side of his van.
That isnae as offensive as prick.
Superheroes named after rats.
-You don't get superheroes named after pricks.
Is it Roland Rat?
Right, you've no' got Roland Prick.
No, no, that would just be inappropriate.
To be honest, we can't have this on the road.
Have you got another mode of transport, by any chance?
I've got a car back at the house.
OK, let's get you back to your house.
-See youse there?
-Yeah, we'll be right behind you.
The Scottish Police Force command centre
provides the essential info Scotland needs.
Old people smell, it's just not a police matter.
Maggie LeBeau gives crucial advice to the public
so that they can sleep safe in the knowledge
that that knowledge is keeping them safe.
I feel really sorry for people who get caught out by scams,
I really do. But the simple rule is,
don't give your credit details out over the phone.
Often you'll get a "celebrity" phoning you, you know,
it's Will.I.am phoning to say he wants you on The Voice,
and he's spinning in his chair as he speaks to you.
Don't believe him. We find that celebrities rarely call the public.
They're just not interested in the public,
so just remember that.
You're not interesting, you're a no-one,
you're not lucky, you're not a winner.
Remember that, and you'll do fine.
Today, a very important entry in the diary, seeing the PM.
Not the Prime Minister.
The pipe major.
Because, amongst my myriad of duties, I have to personally choose
and approve of all of the tunes the police pipe band play
when they enter a competition.
And the boys have a big competition coming this weekend,
so I'm going to listen. I'm going to do it right here,
make the choices right in this room,
so that I don't lose any valuable desk time.
A JAUNTY REEL
Some of them choose themselves, of course.
I'm particularly partial to Highland Laddie.
Mhairi's Wedding, it's a bit on the nose, but you can't do without it.
The Hills Of Kintail, of course, spectacular.
But I'm thinking of throwing a curveball this year,
mixing things up and maybe seeing
if the lad can do something contemporary.
PIPER PLAYS SINGLE LADIES BY BEYONCE
Cracking. Keeper, keeper.
From Single Ladies to the ladies' man,
the cops move to replace the defaced vehicle,
so this cheat in the sheets can get back on the streets.
Yeah, it's not good, is it?
No, it's not.
What I can do, I'll swap that for the car, I've got a car.
The tits, as well, that's new.
I thought they were eyes.
No, they're tits, I know her.
I thought, because she'd seen you cheating.
It's open to interpretation, it's like a bit of art, you know.
I'm watching you. Or the woman that you're cheating with, it's her tits.
-I'm watching her.
-We'll come back to the car and we'll get the details.
OK, all right. You might want to,
I was going to say you might want to close that over,
but not with what's on the door.
Having affairs, that's not against the law,
but abusing somebody's property, vandalism, that is.
So we had to deal with that thoroughly.
Hopefully they can patch things up
because no-one wants to see a break-up.
The wee man did not look like a shagger, I'll tell you that.
Not all partnerships are made in heaven,
but rural cops Charley McIntosh and Jane Mackay form a dream duo.
Get down, get down!
Whether it's tearing after hoods on the hillside...
Come back! Stop!
..or breaking for a breather by the roadside.
I don't know if you are aware of this,
but it's actually our three-year anniversary.
-Yeah, I remembered.
-I've actually bought you something.
-No way, I've got you something too!
-Just a wee thing.
-I didn't know when to give it to you,
I thought I'd wait to the end of the shift.
Well, yeah, I've got a great thing here, just a little thing, but...
Me too, me too. Right, I'll give you mine first, all right?
-OK, close your eyes.
OK, I think you're going to love it.
It's like, one, two, three - three years.
# Trio, Trio. #
I had to go, like, two villages away to be able to get them
because they don't sell them everywhere.
I didn't think they even made them any more.
Just makes it all the more special, thank you. I will treasure it.
I was going to give you the whole packet but I ate the rest.
Sorry! I couldn't help myself.
-Do you like it?
-I love it.
-You can save it till later.
-OK, what did you get me?
-It's not really...
I don't even know if it's worth it, really. You've trumped me, there.
Please, please! That's not fair, I gave you a present.
I know, I'm kind of embarrassed there.
-OK, you don't need to give it to me.
-OK, it's just...
-Remember, it's just a wee thing, it's not...
I'm just glad we were on the same wavelength.
-Is this, like...?
-Here you go.
This is a handbag.
Yeah, it's just a handbag.
No, it's actually a Mulberry handbag.
Is that a good one?
Charlie, those are worth a fortune.
Where did...? You didn't, you didn't buy this, did you?
I mean...you bought it, but...
You got it in a sale or something, right?
Well, I wouldn't spend that money, obviously.
I have always wanted a designer bag.
That is so nice, thank you so much.
It is too much, though.
Yeah, no, don't worry, I didn't, I didn't buy it.
-I got it from the evidence lock-up room.
I don't think you're allowed to just take things from the evidence.
Oh, no, I know the guy on the desk there
and they said no-one's claimed it
and it's not going to be used on trial.
Oh, so it's like, after a certain amount of time,
you can get things back.
Yeah, so, instead of going to auction he said, "Hey, Charlie..."
Yeah. So, there you go, it's yours, regardless.
Aw, Charlie, thank you so, so, much!
-I'm going to pop it back there so it keeps nice and safe.
Aw! I'm so sorry I only got you a biscuit.
What? But a bag and a biscuit, I mean...
Yeah, but I should have at least given you all the biscuits!
I'm just glad you like the bag.
Thank you, thank you, I love the bag.
Well, yes, a little bit of controversy that I've used
police funds to purchase this vintage Pac-Man machine.
I think it's the very model I played at police college.
Wonder if it still has my top score?
No, but seriously,
playing Pac-Man is absolutely vital training
in police pursuit procedures.
Some of the first criminals that your young bobby on the beat meets
and confronts is the shoplifter in the supermarket.
Your shoplifter's running up the cheese aisle,
you're pursuing him and he takes a left, double backs down,
mixed spices and home baking.
Do you follow him or do you double back yourself,
cutting down through fruit and vegetable,
thinking, "I'll cut him off at toiletries"?
So, that's the kind of decision,
the life-and-death decision,
that a young bobby has to take on front-line policing every day.
And playing Pac-Man is vital in training.
The training never stops, nor do the Scot Squad.
Scotland's favourite comic cops are back on the beat for a brand new series, chasing down fresh leads and upholding ancient laws.
Traffic officers Surjit Singh and Hugh McKirdy get a rude awakening when they pull over an unlikely lothario's defaced van. Urban duo Jack McLaren and Sarah Fletcher make a revealing discovery when they respond to a pair of convivial naturists.
Covert cop Archie Pepper pounces on criminals who share too much on social media. Volunteer officer Ken Beattie answers a distress call and undertakes a full programme of cleaning, washing and ironing. Chief Cameron Miekelson keeps his nose to the grindstone and his ear to the bagpipes as he personally selects a contemporary playlist.
Spoof comedy shadowing a fictional Scottish police force, starring Jack Docherty, Manjot Sumal, Grado, Jordan Young, Sally Reid, James Allenby-Kirk. With special guest Paul James Corrigan, and introducing Stuart McPherson.