Browse content similar to A Perfect Christmas. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
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Oh, hello. Won't be long, nearly finished. Looks nice, doesn't it? | 0:00:33 | 0:00:39 | |
Oh, it's a veritable fairyland(!) | 0:00:39 | 0:00:42 | |
I was transported to another world for a minute. | 0:00:42 | 0:00:46 | |
I can hardly contain my gasps of wonder and amazement - | 0:00:46 | 0:00:51 | |
Ooooh! | 0:00:51 | 0:00:53 | |
Aaah! | 0:00:53 | 0:00:54 | |
Aahahah! | 0:00:54 | 0:00:56 | |
I recall the splendour of Versailles during the reign of the Sun King(!) | 0:00:56 | 0:01:02 | |
Are you taking the Arthur Bliss? | 0:01:02 | 0:01:05 | |
No, no, no. Really, it is quite magnificent. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:08 | |
I... It's like Disneyland, a scene from Cinderella. | 0:01:08 | 0:01:13 | |
I closes my eyes, I see the little fairy come through the window, leaving a trail of stardust. | 0:01:13 | 0:01:20 | |
# When you wished upon a star | 0:01:20 | 0:01:25 | |
# Makes no difference who you are, aa... | 0:01:25 | 0:01:29 | |
# ..aahaha aahaha aahahaa... # | 0:01:29 | 0:01:33 | |
Geddit all down. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:35 | |
-What's wrong with it? -Tat! That's what - tat! | 0:01:35 | 0:01:38 | |
You've put up the same rubbish since I was five. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:42 | |
The whole thing is pathetic. | 0:01:42 | 0:01:45 | |
If I left it to YOU, we... we wouldn't have any decorations. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:50 | |
No point decorating this rathole. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
Like trying to grow daffodils on the dungheap outside! | 0:01:53 | 0:01:57 | |
One cannot disguise this sordidness with a few coloured strips of paper. | 0:01:57 | 0:02:02 | |
Well, it's only once a year... | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
The rest of the year you never touch the place. | 0:02:05 | 0:02:08 | |
Takes a bleedin' excavation to find the floor! | 0:02:08 | 0:02:12 | |
But at Christmas, out comes your little hammer - bang, bang! | 0:02:12 | 0:02:16 | |
# Heigh ho, off to work we go... # | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
Oh, sod yer then! | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
Down! | 0:02:33 | 0:02:34 | |
Down! | 0:02:35 | 0:02:37 | |
Down, down, down! | 0:02:37 | 0:02:40 | |
You! | 0:02:40 | 0:02:41 | |
Ah-ah-ah! | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
LOUD POPS | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
Aaaargh! | 0:02:50 | 0:02:51 | |
-Well, is that better? Does that suit you? -Yep. | 0:02:55 | 0:02:59 | |
Good, cos that's me finished. That's my Christmas over. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:03 | |
No more! Cook your own dinner, crack your own nuts, pull your own crackers! | 0:03:03 | 0:03:10 | |
You're not getting any more from me! | 0:03:10 | 0:03:13 | |
Good night! | 0:03:13 | 0:03:14 | |
You're on your own, enjoy yourself! | 0:03:16 | 0:03:19 | |
I will... | 0:03:19 | 0:03:20 | |
cos I won't be here. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:22 | |
What did you say? | 0:03:23 | 0:03:25 | |
-I said I won't be here. -Why? Where are you going? | 0:03:25 | 0:03:29 | |
I haven't quite made up my mind, but as long as it's not this place. | 0:03:29 | 0:03:34 | |
Oh, Harold. | 0:03:34 | 0:03:35 | |
You do this every year! | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
I know, and every year you prevail, and I spend Christmas in this hole. | 0:03:37 | 0:03:43 | |
Well, NOT this year. I'm going...anywhere! | 0:03:43 | 0:03:46 | |
We always have a good time. | 0:03:46 | 0:03:49 | |
-We don't. -Well, you can watch the telly. | 0:03:49 | 0:03:53 | |
I don't want to. I watch the telly every Christmas, every day for three solid days! | 0:03:53 | 0:04:00 | |
Ow! Aargh! | 0:04:00 | 0:04:02 | |
Watching telly's the same as eating and drinking - | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
one does it cos one is bored... with Christmas. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:10 | |
All you get on telly is Christmas stuffed down your cakehole! | 0:04:10 | 0:04:14 | |
They all do something special. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:18 | |
There'll be Z-Cars with holly stuck in their helmets... | 0:04:18 | 0:04:22 | |
investigating a special Christmas crime - | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
someone found up an alley, battered to death with a Christmas pudding! | 0:04:25 | 0:04:30 | |
It'll be Christmas Cilla, Christmas Lulu and a Christmas Muggeridge. | 0:04:30 | 0:04:36 | |
And Cliff Richard'll be singing "Ave Maria" | 0:04:36 | 0:04:39 | |
with the Younger Generation, done up in habits... | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
..split to the crutch of course! | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
Yeeuurch! | 0:04:45 | 0:04:46 | |
Christmas Coronation Street will be a party at the Rover's Return. | 0:04:46 | 0:04:51 | |
Albert Tatlock tries to have it away with Minnie Caldwell in the cellar! | 0:04:51 | 0:04:56 | |
Not any more! I'm not going through that! | 0:04:56 | 0:05:00 | |
Well, I enjoy it. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
I like telly, all them stars giving up their Christmas to entertain us. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:10 | |
They don't give up their Christmas. | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
All them programmes is recorded in October! | 0:05:13 | 0:05:16 | |
At Christmas, they're away sunning themselves in the South of France. | 0:05:17 | 0:05:23 | |
And we're sat here, freezing, watching 'em. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
Oh, you're so simple. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:28 | |
Don't like going away at Christmas. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:31 | |
-You'll have to stay here. -I don't like being alone. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:35 | |
Come with me then. You won't talk me out of it. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:38 | |
Have your heart attacks - "Aargh!". It won't make no difference. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:43 | |
"Aargh! | 0:05:43 | 0:05:44 | |
"I'm going..." | 0:05:44 | 0:05:46 | |
I don't think I'd enjoy it, Harold. | 0:05:46 | 0:05:49 | |
You never know till you try it. Go on, give it a go! | 0:05:49 | 0:05:53 | |
Do something different for once in your life...go mad! | 0:05:53 | 0:05:57 | |
Can we afford to go away? | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
Of course. I've been totting it up. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:02 | |
We've got £3 in the bank, £7 in the building society... | 0:06:02 | 0:06:06 | |
..and we have got seventy nine pounds eighty in the swear box! | 0:06:06 | 0:06:11 | |
COINS RATTLE | 0:06:11 | 0:06:14 | |
You're NOT 'aving that, it's mine! | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
-No, it's not. YOU did the swearing, but -I -had to listen - it's mine. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:23 | |
It's not a savings bank, it's a penalty - 10p per swear. | 0:06:23 | 0:06:27 | |
If you think you're going away with my bleedin' £79.80, | 0:06:27 | 0:06:31 | |
-you've got another think coming! -What £79.80? | 0:06:31 | 0:06:35 | |
MY bleedin... | 0:06:35 | 0:06:36 | |
Ah! | 0:06:37 | 0:06:39 | |
That's two bleedings at 10p per time. | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
COINS RATTLE | 0:06:41 | 0:06:44 | |
I make it a round eighty quid! | 0:06:44 | 0:06:46 | |
BELL PINGS | 0:06:46 | 0:06:48 | |
Thank you, woof woof, thank you. | 0:06:48 | 0:06:50 | |
Plus a "sod you then", when you pulled the decorations down. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:55 | |
Another 10p, please. | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
Nnyeeah. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:58 | |
Yeah! There should be enough here for a nice Christmas package for two. | 0:06:58 | 0:07:03 | |
You rotten little... | 0:07:03 | 0:07:05 | |
Yeah, yeah, go on! Morefortheswearbox. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
Heh heh! Any more? No? | 0:07:08 | 0:07:11 | |
Right. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:12 | |
Aah. | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
Sit, sit. Good girl. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
Aah, yes! | 0:07:17 | 0:07:19 | |
The world is our oyster. | 0:07:19 | 0:07:22 | |
-I don't like oysters. -Shutup!Now, let's see. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:26 | |
Oh. Here, where do you fancy? | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
Do you want to spend your Christmas eating turkey in the Canaries? | 0:07:28 | 0:07:33 | |
Perhaps you'd like to eat canaries in Turkey! | 0:07:33 | 0:07:37 | |
The whole world to choose from, it's all there - poundstretchers to Paradise. | 0:07:37 | 0:07:44 | |
Where do you fancy? | 0:07:44 | 0:07:46 | |
Bognor. | 0:07:46 | 0:07:47 | |
Bognor. | 0:07:48 | 0:07:50 | |
Let's see. No, I don't think British Airways still runs a jumbo jet service to Bognor! | 0:07:50 | 0:07:56 | |
If I can't stay here, it's Bognor! | 0:07:56 | 0:07:59 | |
Mrs Boxwood's boarding house, right on the front, lovely rooms - | 0:07:59 | 0:08:04 | |
bathroom on every landing. | 0:08:04 | 0:08:07 | |
-How'd you know? You was only there two weeks. -Smashin' it was. | 0:08:07 | 0:08:12 | |
And her grub! Cor, she don't 'alf give you a plateful! | 0:08:12 | 0:08:16 | |
She gives you a MOUTHFUL if you're late! | 0:08:16 | 0:08:20 | |
What's wrong with half past ten? What can you do after half past ten? | 0:08:20 | 0:08:25 | |
Exactly! In this country, nothing! | 0:08:25 | 0:08:28 | |
I wanna go abroad, get a bit of the old currant bun on me bones. | 0:08:28 | 0:08:33 | |
-There's currant bun in Bognor. -Not in December! Brrr. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:38 | |
No, I want proper sun - all day long. | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
I don't want to spend Christmas dragging myself along the seafront, in a gale, holding onto the railings! | 0:08:41 | 0:08:48 | |
Well, what then? | 0:08:48 | 0:08:49 | |
We'll look at these. There's lots to choose from. | 0:08:49 | 0:08:53 | |
Here, how do you fancy...Acapulco? | 0:08:53 | 0:08:56 | |
Nobody's sticking no needles in me! | 0:08:56 | 0:08:59 | |
AC-A-PUL-CO! | 0:08:59 | 0:09:01 | |
You are the stupidest little...mmm... | 0:09:01 | 0:09:04 | |
..I've ever met in my life! | 0:09:05 | 0:09:07 | |
Acapulco is in Mexico. | 0:09:08 | 0:09:11 | |
Oh, it's swinging there, Dad. That's where Frank Sinatra goes. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:16 | |
-Oh, those bronzed, lithe bodies... in their bikinis... -Eeurgh. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:21 | |
Laying out on the swimming pool, on your lilo, having your drinks floated out to you... | 0:09:21 | 0:09:28 | |
I bet a quart of brown ale wouldn't float very far. | 0:09:28 | 0:09:32 | |
I'm talking about Acapulco. You ain't gonna get brown ale floating about on THEIR swimming pools. | 0:09:32 | 0:09:39 | |
Tequila! | 0:09:39 | 0:09:40 | |
That's the drink down there. | 0:09:40 | 0:09:42 | |
Salt round the edge of the glass, and a twist of lemon over the side. | 0:09:42 | 0:09:47 | |
Yeeeuurrgh! | 0:09:47 | 0:09:49 | |
Lemon and salt! | 0:09:49 | 0:09:51 | |
You'd shrink me mouth. I wouldn't be able to get me teeth back in! | 0:09:51 | 0:09:56 | |
Oh! | 0:09:56 | 0:09:57 | |
You're so plebeian! | 0:09:57 | 0:09:59 | |
That's a swearword. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:02 | |
No, it's not. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
It means a member of the lower order of society - class five. | 0:10:04 | 0:10:08 | |
What the... do you think you are then? | 0:10:08 | 0:10:12 | |
If I've got decent clobber on, I'm quite classless. | 0:10:12 | 0:10:16 | |
I mean - providing I don't open my mouth - I could pass for anybody. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:22 | |
So, we can give Acapulco the elbow? | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
Yeah. It's too much money, anyway. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
Kenya. Oh, that's nice. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:30 | |
We can go on safari - big game hunting. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:34 | |
I can do that up in me bed. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:37 | |
Please. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:40 | |
You're not being very helpful, are you? | 0:10:40 | 0:10:43 | |
You're so full of big ideas, aren't you? | 0:10:43 | 0:10:47 | |
Kenya! Acupuncturo! | 0:10:47 | 0:10:49 | |
I don't know where you get 'em. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
I never went to them places. Hop-picking was as far as I got. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:56 | |
I had to work. I worked harder on me holidays than I did here. | 0:10:56 | 0:11:01 | |
Me fingers were green for a fortnight after! | 0:11:01 | 0:11:04 | |
Yeah? Well I want my bum brown for a fortnight when I get home. | 0:11:04 | 0:11:09 | |
But...I...I..admit that Acapulco and Kenya may be a trifle ambitious. | 0:11:09 | 0:11:15 | |
Phew...! | 0:11:15 | 0:11:16 | |
We could certainly go anywhere in Europe. How about France? | 0:11:16 | 0:11:21 | |
Four days, 40 quid! We can manage that. | 0:11:21 | 0:11:24 | |
No. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:25 | |
I spent Christmas in France, twice - | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
during the First World War. Horrible place. | 0:11:28 | 0:11:32 | |
Full of holes and mud. | 0:11:32 | 0:11:33 | |
Not now it ain't! It's not like that all the time. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:38 | |
After you lot finished, they filled 'em in. | 0:11:38 | 0:11:41 | |
I don't want to go there. It'd bring back too many bad memories. | 0:11:41 | 0:11:47 | |
I don't mean northern France, I mean the Riviera or the Alps. Oh... | 0:11:47 | 0:11:52 | |
Christmas in the snow. | 0:11:52 | 0:11:54 | |
Ah, those little ski villages nestling against the mountainside. | 0:11:54 | 0:12:00 | |
The clean air, the blue skies, the sun... | 0:12:00 | 0:12:04 | |
-The broken legs... -The broken... | 0:12:04 | 0:12:06 | |
No fear! We're not going skiing. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
We're going for parties and apres-ski. You've heard about that? | 0:12:10 | 0:12:15 | |
Hot drinks in front of a log fire. Chatting up birds from all over Europe - | 0:12:16 | 0:12:23 | |
"Je t'aime", | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
"Entschuldigen Sie", | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
"Osso bucco"... | 0:12:27 | 0:12:29 | |
I'll wear that red sweater. I'll pretend to be a ski instructor, and I've pulled me hamstring... | 0:12:32 | 0:12:39 | |
It's the only thing you will pull! | 0:12:39 | 0:12:42 | |
What's gonna happen to me while all this is going on? | 0:12:42 | 0:12:46 | |
We'll find you someone - a rich old boot from Bavaria! | 0:12:46 | 0:12:50 | |
All the old men, slaving away in the car factories, bung the old women up in the mountains. You'll be quids in. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:58 | |
Oooh! We can pretend that you are an English lord. | 0:12:58 | 0:13:02 | |
POSH ACCENT: You've gorn up there to purchase a chateau to avoid wealth tax. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:09 | |
"Woof woof." Down,boy! It's not a tax collector, just a Swiss peasant. | 0:13:09 | 0:13:14 | |
You live in a dream world, you do. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:18 | |
Well, it's better than this place. | 0:13:18 | 0:13:21 | |
Dad, we'll be the centre of interest. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:26 | |
When they find out we're English we will be! | 0:13:26 | 0:13:30 | |
They'll be waiting to see what tour-firm has collapsed. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:34 | |
It's a joke to be British abroad these days. | 0:13:34 | 0:13:38 | |
No. Let's go to Bognor, we'll be all right there - we're all they've got! | 0:13:38 | 0:13:43 | |
We're NOT going to Bognor! | 0:13:43 | 0:13:46 | |
We don't have to be British. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:48 | |
We can be...Australian. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:51 | |
You can do an Australian accent - it's easy. | 0:13:51 | 0:13:55 | |
"Hello there, Sheila. You little beaut. | 0:13:55 | 0:13:58 | |
"Just shootin' through Europe before I get back to the old sheep station." | 0:13:58 | 0:14:04 | |
"Woof woof!" Shut your face... | 0:14:04 | 0:14:07 | |
"D'ya fancy getting your hands on a lager. I've got a case of Fosters up in the bedroom, know what I mean." | 0:14:07 | 0:14:14 | |
Waw! They'll never tumble! | 0:14:14 | 0:14:16 | |
If you think I'm gonna talk like that, you're mistaken. I'm British and proud of it. | 0:14:16 | 0:14:22 | |
Well, there must be somewhere we're welcome. | 0:14:22 | 0:14:25 | |
Holland! They likes us. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:28 | |
You can't ski there, you'd never get the speed up! | 0:14:28 | 0:14:32 | |
Flat as a witch's tit, it is there. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:35 | |
Ah-ha! | 0:14:35 | 0:14:37 | |
But they go skating on their canals. | 0:14:37 | 0:14:40 | |
We can skate on OUR canal out there. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:43 | |
You can't rely on it! When was the last time the canal froze over? | 0:14:43 | 0:14:48 | |
It's not the same. In Amsterdam you don't have to jump over old mattresses and bike frames! | 0:14:48 | 0:14:54 | |
I am NOT pretending to be an It... an Australian. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:58 | |
Scottish then - all that oil coming ashore under your heather-clad land. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:05 | |
-I can't do a Scottish accent. -Aw, do what ya bleedin' like then! | 0:15:05 | 0:15:09 | |
BELL PINGS I don't know why I bother. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:14 | |
Neither do I. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:16 | |
Let's stay here. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:19 | |
No! | 0:15:19 | 0:15:20 | |
All these lovely places to choose from. There must be somewhere what you fancy... | 0:15:20 | 0:15:27 | |
The Black Sea. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:28 | |
Eeuurgh! | 0:15:29 | 0:15:31 | |
Don't be so daft! | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
It's not really black. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:36 | |
It might be though, if you go swimming in it! | 0:15:36 | 0:15:39 | |
-I hear it's very nice there. -Where is it? -In Russia. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:43 | |
In the Crimea. Here you are... | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
Four days at the Workers' Palace Hotel, 43 quid. | 0:15:46 | 0:15:50 | |
-I daren't go back to Russia. -Get out of here, you've never been! | 0:15:50 | 0:15:55 | |
-I have! -When? -1919. | 0:15:55 | 0:15:57 | |
Don't tell me you was Isadora Duncan's dancing partner?! | 0:15:57 | 0:16:01 | |
NO! | 0:16:01 | 0:16:04 | |
A secret agent! | 0:16:04 | 0:16:06 | |
003 and a half! The Mighty Midget! The smallest spy in the West... | 0:16:06 | 0:16:11 | |
..sent out there to photograph the secret Russian junkyard (!) | 0:16:11 | 0:16:16 | |
They couldn't catch him - the Scarlet Pimple! | 0:16:16 | 0:16:19 | |
They seek him here, they seek him there, | 0:16:19 | 0:16:23 | |
Joe Stalin seeks him everywhere. | 0:16:23 | 0:16:26 | |
Oooooooh. | 0:16:26 | 0:16:28 | |
Untraceable in the snowy wastes...aooooh... | 0:16:28 | 0:16:32 | |
..because his head never come above his footprints(!) | 0:16:32 | 0:16:37 | |
I've bin there, in a British expeditionary force to Archangel. | 0:16:37 | 0:16:41 | |
I was helping put down the Bol-SHAVE-iks - fighting for me country! | 0:16:41 | 0:16:48 | |
Fighting against the WORKERS. | 0:16:48 | 0:16:51 | |
You're a traitor to your class. | 0:16:51 | 0:16:54 | |
I'm not a worker! | 0:16:54 | 0:16:55 | |
That's true. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
I daren't go back there. If they found out I fought them, they'd put me up against a wall and shoot me! | 0:16:58 | 0:17:05 | |
I'll go and book the ticket. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
I'm NOT going behind the iron curtain! | 0:17:08 | 0:17:11 | |
I'm not giving no money to no Communists so they take us all over. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:17 | |
Oh yeah! Your £43 is gonna buy quite a few ballistic missiles (!) | 0:17:17 | 0:17:23 | |
Every little helps. | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
I am NOT going! | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
HE SIGHS | 0:17:30 | 0:17:32 | |
Sweden and Denmark! | 0:17:36 | 0:17:38 | |
-Eeuuugh! -Oh, you'd like Denmark. | 0:17:38 | 0:17:42 | |
They have live sex shows out there. | 0:17:42 | 0:17:45 | |
-Get away! -Oh, they do. | 0:17:47 | 0:17:49 | |
You mean they actually...? | 0:17:49 | 0:17:52 | |
..On the stage?! | 0:17:52 | 0:17:54 | |
Everybody lookin'? | 0:17:54 | 0:17:56 | |
Not over Christmas, surely? | 0:17:58 | 0:18:01 | |
Of course they do! | 0:18:01 | 0:18:03 | |
It's their equivalent of pantomime. | 0:18:03 | 0:18:06 | |
They do the same stories as us. | 0:18:08 | 0:18:11 | |
They do Cinderella... | 0:18:11 | 0:18:13 | |
spelled with an S. | 0:18:13 | 0:18:15 | |
Buttons isn't in it. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:17 | |
It takes too long to undo (!) | 0:18:17 | 0:18:20 | |
Jack and the Beanstalk. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:23 | |
Puss In KINKY Boots! | 0:18:26 | 0:18:28 | |
HE GIGGLES | 0:18:28 | 0:18:29 | |
You're having me on. | 0:18:29 | 0:18:32 | |
Oh dear! Where do you want to go? | 0:18:32 | 0:18:35 | |
I'm not going anywhere dirty - not over Christmas. I want somewhere clean, wholesome and respectable. | 0:18:35 | 0:18:42 | |
How about four days in a launderette in Cheltenham? | 0:18:43 | 0:18:47 | |
Honestly! You make me laugh, you do! | 0:18:47 | 0:18:50 | |
People falling over themselves to get away! All these places to choose from. You're so XENOPHOBIC! | 0:18:50 | 0:18:57 | |
I AM NOT! I just don't like foreigners! | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
-Where do you wanna go then? -I don't mind. | 0:19:01 | 0:19:05 | |
-Belgium? -No! | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
You can't have nothin' against them. They never done no harm to anybody! | 0:19:08 | 0:19:14 | |
-Brussels. -No! -Why? If you say you don't like sprouts, I'll kill you! | 0:19:14 | 0:19:19 | |
I can't go to Brussels. | 0:19:21 | 0:19:23 | |
The police are still looking for me. | 0:19:23 | 0:19:26 | |
Since when? | 0:19:26 | 0:19:27 | |
1918. | 0:19:27 | 0:19:29 | |
They'll still be looking for you? | 0:19:29 | 0:19:32 | |
Oh yes. They'll never forgive me. | 0:19:32 | 0:19:35 | |
The army had to smuggle me out. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:37 | |
I'm persona non grata. | 0:19:37 | 0:19:40 | |
I know this is silly. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:44 | |
-What did you do? -Well... | 0:19:44 | 0:19:47 | |
..you know that statue there of the little boy having a Jimmy riddle? | 0:19:47 | 0:19:52 | |
-The Maneken Pis. -Yeah, that's him. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:56 | |
Well, it's a tradition that all regiments out there | 0:19:56 | 0:20:00 | |
present him with a suit of clothes. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
Well, our regiment had a big parade in front of the statue. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:07 | |
There was our commanding officer, | 0:20:07 | 0:20:10 | |
the King of Belgium, and the Lord Mayor of Brussels. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:14 | |
Go on. What did you do? | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
-It was only a joke... -Ha ha, what did you do? -I didn't mean anything. | 0:20:18 | 0:20:24 | |
WHAT did you DO?! | 0:20:24 | 0:20:26 | |
I turned on the little boy's water pressure full - | 0:20:26 | 0:20:30 | |
knocked the mayor's hat off. | 0:20:30 | 0:20:32 | |
No, I can't go back there. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:35 | |
Where do you wanna go? | 0:20:37 | 0:20:40 | |
-I don't mind. -Oh, for GOD'S SAKE! | 0:20:40 | 0:20:42 | |
I'm gonna choose. Ccome if you wanna, or stay here! | 0:20:42 | 0:20:46 | |
I'm gonna have these brochures out all over the table. | 0:20:46 | 0:20:50 | |
I closes my eyes and I choose one at random... | 0:20:50 | 0:20:54 | |
IN TOMMY COOPER VOICE: ..just like that! | 0:20:54 | 0:20:57 | |
Switzerland? Got anything against that? And don't tell me the International Red Cross is after you. | 0:20:57 | 0:21:04 | |
No, I can go there, that's all right | 0:21:04 | 0:21:08 | |
-That's settled then? -Yeah. -Christmas in Switzerland? | 0:21:08 | 0:21:12 | |
Yeah. | 0:21:12 | 0:21:13 | |
Thank gawd! It's taken as long to decide as it will to get there! | 0:21:13 | 0:21:18 | |
Eh? What do you mean? We're not flying?! | 0:21:18 | 0:21:22 | |
No, we're swimming (!) | 0:21:22 | 0:21:24 | |
Of course we're flying. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:26 | |
Oh no, Harold. I can't fly. I'm too old. | 0:21:26 | 0:21:29 | |
You don't have to pilot, you just sit there! | 0:21:29 | 0:21:33 | |
You can say what you like. I'm NOT flying! | 0:21:33 | 0:21:36 | |
OK, we'll go by train and boat. | 0:21:36 | 0:21:38 | |
Not by boat in this weather, I'll be sick. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:42 | |
No, let's go to Bognor? | 0:21:42 | 0:21:44 | |
I'M NOT going to Bognor! | 0:21:44 | 0:21:47 | |
I'm going to Switzerland by night ferry. You don't even know you're at sea cos you're on the train asleep! | 0:21:47 | 0:21:54 | |
The train goes on the boat?! | 0:21:54 | 0:21:56 | |
Of course it does! | 0:21:56 | 0:21:58 | |
-It'll be too heavy, it'll sink! -No, it won't sink! | 0:21:58 | 0:22:03 | |
You will be lying...on your bunk... | 0:22:03 | 0:22:06 | |
..on the train...on the boat.. spark out. | 0:22:06 | 0:22:09 | |
How can you be sure? | 0:22:09 | 0:22:11 | |
Cos I'm absolutely certain that before the train reaches Dover, | 0:22:11 | 0:22:16 | |
I'll 'ave belted you one! | 0:22:16 | 0:22:19 | |
Christmas in Switzerland? | 0:22:19 | 0:22:21 | |
-Right? -Right. -Night ferry? | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
...I s'pose so. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:26 | |
Good. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:28 | |
Phew! Right...now. | 0:22:30 | 0:22:32 | |
Er...where's your passport? | 0:22:32 | 0:22:34 | |
Haven't got one. | 0:22:34 | 0:22:36 | |
Why have we been sitting here talking about going abroad then? | 0:22:37 | 0:22:42 | |
I 'aven't. You 'ave. I want to go to Bognor. | 0:22:42 | 0:22:46 | |
WE'RE NOT GOING TO BOGNOR! | 0:22:46 | 0:22:49 | |
Oh, we'll have to get you an emergency passport. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:55 | |
Now, I shall need a photograph and your birth certificate. | 0:22:55 | 0:22:59 | |
Where's your birth certificate? | 0:22:59 | 0:23:01 | |
With my medals. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:03 | |
Where's your medals? | 0:23:03 | 0:23:05 | |
-With me marriage certificate. -Where's that? | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
-With me insurance policy. -Where's your insurance policy? | 0:23:08 | 0:23:11 | |
I've lost it. | 0:23:11 | 0:23:13 | |
I'm gonna bop you one before we even get to Victoria! | 0:23:13 | 0:23:17 | |
Where did you last see it? | 0:23:17 | 0:23:19 | |
Under the goldfish bowl. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:22 | |
When? | 0:23:26 | 0:23:28 | |
1939. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:30 | |
Then, when the Blitz started, I put it somewhere safe. | 0:23:30 | 0:23:34 | |
Did you hear that, Charlie? He put it somewhere safe. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:37 | |
Have you seen it, Charlie? | 0:23:37 | 0:23:40 | |
Somewhere safe...in 'ere. | 0:23:40 | 0:23:42 | |
That's very reasonable(!) | 0:23:42 | 0:23:45 | |
Where? | 0:23:45 | 0:23:46 | |
-"I can't remember..." -..can't remember. | 0:23:46 | 0:23:50 | |
Naturally. It won't be up in the attic, that's not safe, even today! | 0:23:50 | 0:23:55 | |
We ain't got a cellar. | 0:23:55 | 0:23:57 | |
Wait a minute. Where did we used to go during the bombing in the Blitz. | 0:23:57 | 0:24:02 | |
-Down the pub. -No... | 0:24:02 | 0:24:05 | |
No, no. YOU used to go down the pub. Where did you use to put me? | 0:24:05 | 0:24:10 | |
-Under the stairs. -That's it, under the stairs. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:14 | |
Every night, alone. That's another thing I've never forgiven you for. | 0:24:14 | 0:24:20 | |
Safest place. You always saw the stairs left standing! | 0:24:20 | 0:24:24 | |
Exactly! I suggest that's the first place we look. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:29 | |
SHOUTS FURIOUSLY You could clean this place up occasionally... | 0:24:38 | 0:24:44 | |
INDISTINCT INSULTS | 0:24:44 | 0:24:48 | |
..it's like Rimmington Place in there! | 0:24:48 | 0:24:52 | |
Go on. | 0:24:57 | 0:24:59 | |
Get in there. | 0:24:59 | 0:25:01 | |
It's dark, Harold. | 0:25:01 | 0:25:02 | |
Yeah...It was during the war as well. | 0:25:02 | 0:25:06 | |
Come on! | 0:25:08 | 0:25:09 | |
In you go. | 0:25:09 | 0:25:11 | |
I don't wanna, we don't know what's in there. | 0:25:11 | 0:25:14 | |
Exactly. | 0:25:14 | 0:25:16 | |
It might be treasures untold. | 0:25:16 | 0:25:18 | |
'Ere! Think of yourself as a new Lord Cardigan - | 0:25:18 | 0:25:22 | |
opening the tomb of Tutankhamen. | 0:25:22 | 0:25:25 | |
-Go on, get in! -No, I don't want to. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:27 | |
-GET IN! -I don't wanna. -GET IN! | 0:25:27 | 0:25:30 | |
-Get away, get away! -TINNY BANGING | 0:25:30 | 0:25:32 | |
What is it?! | 0:25:32 | 0:25:34 | |
There might be mice in there. | 0:25:34 | 0:25:36 | |
What do you want - a whip? Go on, get in! | 0:25:36 | 0:25:40 | |
Arrrgh! | 0:25:40 | 0:25:42 | |
-Be careful of of those spitting vipers, Carruthers. -Oh, get stuffed! | 0:25:42 | 0:25:48 | |
Have you broken through to the inner tomb yet? | 0:25:48 | 0:25:52 | |
Oh! Beyond my wildest dreams(!) | 0:25:52 | 0:25:55 | |
Thank God, the tomb robbers didn't get there before us(!) | 0:25:57 | 0:26:01 | |
Oh! I don't believe it... | 0:26:01 | 0:26:04 | |
..it's the King's leg(!) | 0:26:04 | 0:26:06 | |
Find the rest of him and we'll display him at the British Museum. | 0:26:06 | 0:26:11 | |
Hello, hello, hello. | 0:26:11 | 0:26:13 | |
What have we here? | 0:26:13 | 0:26:15 | |
A-ha! | 0:26:15 | 0:26:17 | |
Hieroglyphics... | 0:26:17 | 0:26:19 | |
"Ministry of Food ration book." | 0:26:21 | 0:26:25 | |
What strange annotations - | 0:26:25 | 0:26:28 | |
eggs, meat, points. What can it mean? | 0:26:28 | 0:26:32 | |
If only we had the Rosetta Stone - we could interpret. | 0:26:32 | 0:26:36 | |
It must be religious. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:38 | |
I'll crack this code, Carruthers! | 0:26:38 | 0:26:42 | |
Oh! My number 9 bus! | 0:26:42 | 0:26:44 | |
Aah! | 0:26:44 | 0:26:46 | |
I used to play with this for hours in there. | 0:26:46 | 0:26:50 | |
Vrooom, ding ding, ding ding. | 0:26:50 | 0:26:52 | |
I always wanted to be a conductor, ha ha! | 0:26:52 | 0:26:56 | |
"No standing on top. Move along the car, please. | 0:26:56 | 0:27:00 | |
"One two three four five. You OFF! | 0:27:00 | 0:27:02 | |
"There'll be another one along in a minute. Ding ding! | 0:27:02 | 0:27:07 | |
"Last bus for the depot." | 0:27:07 | 0:27:08 | |
-Ha ha! -What are you doin' out there, you stupid great kid? | 0:27:08 | 0:27:13 | |
Nuffin'. I was just... | 0:27:13 | 0:27:15 | |
-You found them yet? -No. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:18 | |
Go on, get back in there! | 0:27:18 | 0:27:20 | |
They're not here. Let's forget it, Harold. Let's go to Bognor. | 0:27:20 | 0:27:25 | |
We're NOT going there! Get in, and find them! | 0:27:25 | 0:27:28 | |
I've found 'em! | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
All right. You can come out then. | 0:27:30 | 0:27:32 | |
They're in 'ere. | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
"Harold Steptoe. | 0:27:45 | 0:27:47 | |
"Six and seven eighths." | 0:27:47 | 0:27:50 | |
Couldn't afford the rest of the uniform. | 0:28:04 | 0:28:07 | |
I know. | 0:28:11 | 0:28:12 | |
Scrubs Lane Elementary School. | 0:28:21 | 0:28:26 | |
"Accipe | 0:28:26 | 0:28:29 | |
"locum | 0:28:29 | 0:28:30 | |
"gratis." | 0:28:30 | 0:28:32 | |
"Know thy place and be grateful." | 0:28:34 | 0:28:37 | |
What a con trick! | 0:28:41 | 0:28:43 | |
Right. | 0:28:43 | 0:28:44 | |
Phew! | 0:28:45 | 0:28:47 | |
-Wireless Receiving Licence, 1938... -It's out of date. | 0:28:48 | 0:28:53 | |
Never mind, it's the most up-to-date one we've got. | 0:28:53 | 0:28:59 | |
Skinners Arms Christmas Club, | 0:28:59 | 0:29:02 | |
January 1936... | 0:29:02 | 0:29:04 | |
Sixpence a week - drawn out February. | 0:29:04 | 0:29:08 | |
That must have been a good Christmas! | 0:29:08 | 0:29:11 | |
Ah, the birth certificate. All the sordid details. | 0:29:14 | 0:29:18 | |
-Give us that, that's mine, nothing to do... -'ello, 'ello. What is he trying to hide? | 0:29:18 | 0:29:24 | |
"26th of September... | 0:29:24 | 0:29:27 | |
"1899?" | 0:29:27 | 0:29:29 | |
So that's it. That's what the mood's about. | 0:29:29 | 0:29:33 | |
You're older than you said you was. You told me you were 72 and you lied about your age to get in the army. | 0:29:33 | 0:29:39 | |
-Yeah! Give us it 'ere. -Wait. "Where born - 23, Old Drum Lane." Yeah. | 0:29:39 | 0:29:44 | |
"Name - Albert Ladysmith Steptoe." Yeah, that's right. | 0:29:44 | 0:29:48 | |
"Boy..." Never! | 0:29:48 | 0:29:50 | |
You, a boy?! I can't even imagine you as a baby. Bet you've looked like that since birth! | 0:29:50 | 0:29:57 | |
"Mother's name - Victoria Alexandra Steptoe." What a nice name... | 0:29:57 | 0:30:02 | |
-Give it 'ere... -"Occupation - domestic servant." | 0:30:02 | 0:30:05 | |
-'Ere... -"Father..." | 0:30:05 | 0:30:08 | |
I don't believe it! | 0:30:08 | 0:30:10 | |
"..Unknown!" | 0:30:11 | 0:30:12 | |
Unknown... hee hee hee... | 0:30:21 | 0:30:25 | |
Well, now you know. | 0:30:25 | 0:30:27 | |
Yeah, but YOU don't! | 0:30:27 | 0:30:30 | |
My father is a....ooh... | 0:30:33 | 0:30:36 | |
..I'll owe it one! | 0:30:37 | 0:30:40 | |
My father IS a... | 0:30:48 | 0:30:50 | |
Why didn't you tell me before? | 0:30:54 | 0:30:56 | |
-Why... -Couldn't you trust me? I'm your son. | 0:30:56 | 0:31:00 | |
Did you think I'd run away from home? Why didn't you tell me? | 0:31:00 | 0:31:04 | |
Why should I tell you? Why should I tell anyone? Wasn't my fault, nobody asked me! | 0:31:04 | 0:31:10 | |
Yeah, but the lies and the pretence! | 0:31:10 | 0:31:13 | |
You told me your father started this firm - Steptoe and Son. | 0:31:13 | 0:31:18 | |
It WAS Steptoe and Son. | 0:31:18 | 0:31:20 | |
You never said it was MRS Steptoe and Son! | 0:31:20 | 0:31:23 | |
I feel strangely let down. | 0:31:23 | 0:31:25 | |
And another thing... | 0:31:26 | 0:31:28 | |
That's my granny, your mother. | 0:31:28 | 0:31:30 | |
Who's that? Who have I been calling Grandad all these years? | 0:31:30 | 0:31:35 | |
Come on! Who is it?! | 0:31:37 | 0:31:39 | |
-Well, if you must know... -YES! | 0:31:39 | 0:31:42 | |
..i..it's Gladstone. | 0:31:42 | 0:31:45 | |
That's just typical, isn't it?! Gladstone! | 0:31:49 | 0:31:52 | |
I had to put up someone. | 0:31:52 | 0:31:54 | |
It shows what a bighead you are! | 0:31:54 | 0:31:57 | |
You couldn't put up any old dogsbody. Oh no, it has to be a prime minister! | 0:31:57 | 0:32:02 | |
Like me putting up Winston Churchill. | 0:32:02 | 0:32:04 | |
-Well, you didn't have to, did you? | 0:32:04 | 0:32:07 | |
You've got a father. | 0:32:07 | 0:32:09 | |
I'd rather haveWinstonChurchill. | 0:32:09 | 0:32:11 | |
I've had blood,sweatandtears foryears. | 0:32:11 | 0:32:15 | |
Whydidn'tyoutellmebefore? | 0:32:15 | 0:32:18 | |
Not the kind of thing you'd shout about - not in them days. | 0:32:18 | 0:32:22 | |
It was a disgrace to be born out of wedlock. Not like today! | 0:32:22 | 0:32:27 | |
All these actresses having dixie lids all over and boasting about it! | 0:32:27 | 0:32:32 | |
To be born a child of love in 1899 was a stigma. | 0:32:32 | 0:32:36 | |
How funny... | 0:32:36 | 0:32:38 | |
I never thought of you as a child of love. | 0:32:38 | 0:32:42 | |
You...you... | 0:32:45 | 0:32:47 | |
you... haven't got the face for it. | 0:32:47 | 0:32:51 | |
Surely your mother must've known who your father was? | 0:32:51 | 0:32:55 | |
I don't know, she never let on. | 0:32:55 | 0:32:58 | |
She used to say "Daddy's gone to meet the angels." | 0:32:58 | 0:33:03 | |
Wonder who he was... | 0:33:04 | 0:33:06 | |
..your father. | 0:33:06 | 0:33:08 | |
Where did she work? | 0:33:08 | 0:33:11 | |
Belgrave Square. Lord and Lady...somebody or other. | 0:33:11 | 0:33:15 | |
I bet it was 'im! | 0:33:15 | 0:33:17 | |
You could be the son of a Lord! | 0:33:17 | 0:33:19 | |
No, it's possible. | 0:33:19 | 0:33:21 | |
The aristocracy were always doing that - putting domestics up the duff! | 0:33:21 | 0:33:26 | |
No, it was. It was part of the perks in them days. | 0:33:26 | 0:33:30 | |
That's why she got her money, to keep her quiet. | 0:33:30 | 0:33:33 | |
Let's have a look at you. Yeah, yes - it's possible. | 0:33:33 | 0:33:38 | |
Aristocratic conk. 'Ere, that's a good chin - | 0:33:38 | 0:33:42 | |
when you've got yer teeth in. | 0:33:42 | 0:33:44 | |
Ah, there's breeding in there. | 0:33:44 | 0:33:46 | |
It's possible. | 0:33:46 | 0:33:48 | |
I could be the grandson of a lord. | 0:33:49 | 0:33:52 | |
Hey, we could be related to Royalty...or something. | 0:33:52 | 0:33:57 | |
Hey, it's possible. | 0:33:57 | 0:33:59 | |
Nah, I don't think so, Harold. | 0:33:59 | 0:34:02 | |
It sounds nice, but I don't think so. | 0:34:02 | 0:34:06 | |
How do you know? | 0:34:06 | 0:34:07 | |
Well, I don't. | 0:34:07 | 0:34:09 | |
But, I remember when I was 10 year old... | 0:34:09 | 0:34:12 | |
...Mum didn't half cry when the muffin man died. | 0:34:12 | 0:34:16 | |
Muffin man?! | 0:34:20 | 0:34:22 | |
They'd go round with their trays, and when it rained they'd go into somebody's kitchen for a cup of tea. | 0:34:22 | 0:34:30 | |
To stop their muffins getting wet?! | 0:34:30 | 0:34:33 | |
That's right. I think it was the muffin man. | 0:34:33 | 0:34:36 | |
Yeah, I s'pose you're right. | 0:34:38 | 0:34:40 | |
Now I think of it, your head is a bit flat on the top. | 0:34:40 | 0:34:45 | |
Occupational genetics. | 0:34:45 | 0:34:47 | |
Oh well, there's another bubble pricked. | 0:34:47 | 0:34:51 | |
I don't think it'll stop you getting a passport. | 0:34:51 | 0:34:55 | |
No, no. They let anybody go abroad these days. | 0:34:55 | 0:34:58 | |
I'm looking forward to it. Now it's come out, it's a weight off me mind. | 0:34:58 | 0:35:04 | |
We might get to know each other a bit better, if we've no secrets. | 0:35:04 | 0:35:09 | |
We're going to have a good time, aren't we, Harold? | 0:35:09 | 0:35:14 | |
Yeah, yeah...of course we are. | 0:35:14 | 0:35:17 | |
Tell you what, you sit there. | 0:35:17 | 0:35:19 | |
I'll take your photo for the passport. | 0:35:19 | 0:35:23 | |
Right, sit there, just head and shoulders, it won't hurt. | 0:35:26 | 0:35:31 | |
Right, 'ere we go. | 0:35:31 | 0:35:32 | |
Oh yes, yes. | 0:35:32 | 0:35:34 | |
Just hold there, that's perfect. | 0:35:34 | 0:35:37 | |
Move a bit further in... take the cigar out...eeeh! | 0:35:37 | 0:35:43 | |
I'm so sorry. | 0:35:44 | 0:35:46 | |
And again. Now SIT still. | 0:35:48 | 0:35:50 | |
Do you want me teeth in or out? | 0:35:50 | 0:35:52 | |
Leave 'em in, or you'll frighten the man to death when he opens it. | 0:35:52 | 0:35:57 | |
Oh, gawd, look... | 0:35:57 | 0:36:00 | |
This is a passport picture, not a fan photo! | 0:36:00 | 0:36:04 | |
Just give us your normal blank expression. | 0:36:04 | 0:36:07 | |
Right, hold it... SHUTTER CLICKS | 0:36:07 | 0:36:11 | |
Lovely. | 0:36:11 | 0:36:13 | |
Right, hmm... | 0:36:13 | 0:36:15 | |
# My old man's a dum-dum | 0:36:15 | 0:36:17 | |
# Fought in the Battle of Mons | 0:36:17 | 0:36:20 | |
# He killed 10,000 Germans with only 15 bombs | 0:36:20 | 0:36:24 | |
# Some lay here, some lay there, some lay round the corner | 0:36:24 | 0:36:29 | |
# And one poor soul with a bullet up his... # | 0:36:29 | 0:36:31 | |
It's all right, relax. | 0:36:31 | 0:36:34 | |
Relax! Now it's all over. | 0:36:34 | 0:36:37 | |
Here you are. | 0:36:38 | 0:36:39 | |
Look at that. | 0:36:39 | 0:36:42 | |
That's what happens when a muffin man has a bit of crumpet! | 0:36:42 | 0:36:47 | |
I think I'll take one of the skeleton, | 0:36:49 | 0:36:52 | |
they'll never know the difference. | 0:36:52 | 0:36:55 | |
Come on, Harold! Look at the time. We should have left earlier. | 0:37:12 | 0:37:16 | |
It'll be OK. Don't worry. | 0:37:16 | 0:37:18 | |
-You've time. British national? -British?! | 0:37:18 | 0:37:22 | |
Listen, mate - The last time I was on this station I had a rifle, on me way to Mons. | 0:37:22 | 0:37:28 | |
-Fifteen I was, I lied about me age... -Oh gawd, Dad.... | 0:37:28 | 0:37:33 | |
I see, sir. Passport, please. | 0:37:33 | 0:37:36 | |
It's brand new. It says without let or hindrance and that includes you! | 0:37:36 | 0:37:41 | |
Have a good Christmas, sir. | 0:37:41 | 0:37:43 | |
I will! I'm going to Switzerland, mate. | 0:37:43 | 0:37:47 | |
Blue skies, snow, sun. Better than this poxy weather you'll be getting! | 0:37:47 | 0:37:52 | |
I hope you enjoy yourself. | 0:37:53 | 0:37:55 | |
I will, don't you worry. | 0:37:55 | 0:37:57 | |
-British national? -Yeah. -Passport,please. -Come ON, Harold! | 0:37:57 | 0:38:02 | |
This passport, sir. It's a year out of date. | 0:38:12 | 0:38:16 | |
No, it can't be. | 0:38:18 | 0:38:21 | |
Date of expiry - October the 23rd 1973. | 0:38:21 | 0:38:26 | |
Show us. | 0:38:26 | 0:38:27 | |
NO! | 0:38:29 | 0:38:31 | |
-Come on, Harold!! -My passport's out of date! | 0:38:31 | 0:38:34 | |
You dozy great pillock! Bung 'im a quid. | 0:38:34 | 0:38:39 | |
It's through worrying about you! | 0:38:41 | 0:38:43 | |
Don't blame me, it's not my fault! | 0:38:43 | 0:38:45 | |
Go on, sir. You'll miss the train. | 0:38:45 | 0:38:47 | |
Oh yeah... See you after Christmas, Harold. | 0:38:47 | 0:38:51 | |
Aah..I shouldn't go if I were you, sir. | 0:38:51 | 0:38:54 | |
-You can't go without me! -Sir. | 0:38:54 | 0:38:57 | |
There's no food in the house. No point in wasting two tickets. | 0:38:57 | 0:39:02 | |
It's only four days. | 0:39:02 | 0:39:04 | |
You selfish little... | 0:39:04 | 0:39:05 | |
..your birth certificate was right! | 0:39:06 | 0:39:09 | |
I must be off. See you when I get back. | 0:39:09 | 0:39:12 | |
You'll be OK. They'll feed you down at the pub. Put it on the slate. | 0:39:12 | 0:39:18 | |
Merry Christmas, sir. | 0:39:22 | 0:39:25 | |
It worked! It worked! | 0:40:36 | 0:40:38 | |
He's gone! | 0:40:38 | 0:40:40 | |
We're on our own at last. | 0:40:41 | 0:40:43 | |
Bognor, here we come! | 0:40:49 | 0:40:51 | |
Subtitles by Fiona Crockatt - BBC 1995 - | 0:41:34 | 0:41:38 |