Episode 1 The Blame Game

APPLAUSE

Hello... Hello and welcome to this special tenth-anniversary edition

of The Blame Game from the Belfast Waterfront Hall.

Yes, The Blame Game,

the show that has more laughs than Heathrow Airport has runways.

I'm Tim McGarry and our regular panellists are, of course,

Colin Murphy, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And you all know our special guest tonight.

He started his stand-up career aged just 17.

His first TV appearance was actually on this very show.

After appearing on The Blame Game,

our guest quickly became one of the biggest names in comedy.

He is a huge star and an award-winning comedian

who fills stadiums and sells out arenas across the globe.

Yes, The Blame Game does that for people's careers.

For instance, next week,

I'm appearing in the Arts Centre in Downpatrick.

LAUGHTER

Please welcome Scotland's finest, the fabulous Kevin Bridges.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Kevin has very kindly come back to help us celebrate our birthday.

We were actually going to have a birthday cake,

but sadly that didn't work out.

LAUGHTER

I mean, all I said to Ashers was...

..can I have a cake with the words

"Who do you blame for losing the gay cake case?"?

No sense of humour in there.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

it's been ten years since The Blame Game started.

People say Northern Ireland will never change, which is nonsense.

I mean, pretty soon, if you're a Catholic and you go to Mass,

you could end up sitting beside an Orangeman with an Irish passport.

But let's also be honest, ladies and gentlemen.

2016 has also been a pretty terrible year so far.

Terrorism, storms, conflict and, worst of all,

UTV have taken Jullian Simmons off our screens.

Yes, mainland ITV took over the UTV

and Jullian was taken out of vision.

If you ask me, the Brits have gone too far this time.

This is the last straw.

Cromwell, famine, the penal laws, and now

they've pulled our Jullian off.

LAUGHTER

Now on with the show. The audience ask the questions

and our panel provide some very unreliable answers,

so, ladies and gentlemen of the audience,

you were asked to help us with some questions.

We have some questions here from the audience.

"Who's to blame for making me stand outside in the cold for so long?

"I'm going to need DLA now."

LAUGHTER

That's Jackie in Portadown.

If it was Jackie in West Belfast, you'd have DLA by now.

"Who's to blame for the Waterfront not selling Buckfast?"

Michael in Lurgan, I would imagine. Is it Lurgan?

Cahill in Lurgan.

LAUGHTER

"Who's to blame for Simon Hamilton being the love child of

"Gerry Adams and Naomi Long?"

Beardy fella.

"Who's to blame for Translink Metro buses still running late

-"in spite of a bus lane on every

-BLEEP

-street in Belfast?"

LAUGHTER

Stewart in East Belfast, who'll be here in ten minutes.

So what is our first question tonight?

Our first question tonight is, who do you blame for Donald Trump?

Ah, yes, the Donald.

The reality TV star with a dead beaver on his head

who could actually lead the free world.

Donald openly boasted about groping women

and he thinks he's a tough guy. Oh, yeah?

Well, come on over here, Donald, and try it on with Arlene Foster.

LAUGHTER

You'll find it...

I'd pay to see that! I'd pay to see that.

You'll find it pretty hard to make America great again

from a hospital bed in Altnagelvin.

Donald Trump was recently booed at a fundraising dinner organised

by the Catholic Church.

Seriously, when the Catholic Church can criticise

your sexual peccadilloes, you know you've gone too far.

But who can we blame for Donald Trump?

PANEL GIGGLING

It's very confusing if you're from Northern Ireland, though,

because he's the only Orangeman who's also a Republican.

LAUGHTER

It's quite confusing. He admitted...

He said on air, on a video, that he groped women and that

he grabbed them by their nether regions.

I'll say it in the most polite way possible. By their genitals, like.

My theory is that if you grab him by his own genitals,

the hair just hinges up like that. Just...

You know when you stand on a pedal bin and it just goes waaaaah?

I don't know if it makes that noise. Waaaaah! Like that.

He's only 4% behind in the opinion polls.

-He could win!

-I blame Hillary Clinton.

-How bad is she?

-I know.

11 women have come forward claiming

that Trump acted sexually inappropriate and he's still four...

Bill Cosby could win this election.

I think he's done all right,

considering he's a billionaire psychopath

that wants to run the world. That is still something.

He is... He is Cartman from South Park.

That was the best description I ever heard of him.

He just sounds like, "Oh, my God!" He's just that voice.

During the debates, whenever you're watching the debates

and you're sitting there, being from here, watching those debates,

you're looking at them going, "There's no way...

"There's no way they could be worse." They are worse!

Sammy Wilson is at home watching this going, "Yes!"

Apparently he's 2% ahead in some polls and she's...

According to the poll of polls, which is the one I listen to

because that's also what my ma used to call Pope John Paul II.

-The Pole of Poles.

-Yeah.

Ruth Patterson. Nobody's mentioned...

She's definitely advising him.

-Ruth Patterson?

-Definitely.

-In terms of shade!

-Seriously.

I want to see them mate.

You could have Oompa-Loompas in real life!

You could have real Oompa-Loompas.

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory would come to life.

Well... You mention politicians here.

There are some very strange politicians here as well, and in

this week, I don't know if you saw this, Jeremy Paxman has a book out

and he said at one point that Gerry Adams offered to give him a dog.

How terrifying would that situation be?

"Do you want a dog, Jeremy?"

We don't know what breed of dog it was.

-Gundog, I would imagine.

-LAUGHTER

There is no Border collie!

APPLAUSE

Can you imagine that scenario where he just goes,

"Do you want a dog, Jeremy?"?

-And you just go, "Yeah, yeah..."

-LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

"Yeah, it's cool. Does he do any tricks?"

"Yeah, he can play dead." "OK!"

"He's a good Catholic dog.

"He'll hump your leg, but he'll withdraw at the last minute."

"Why are you getting rid of him, G-G-G-Gerry?"

"Well, he's a Rottweiler."

"Oh, right, are you scared of a Rottweiler?"

"No, he's a black and tan, you gobshite.

"We call him Billy Hutchinson because he's a PUP."

I reckon he's got a Labrador, Gerry Adams.

-Why?

-Just that's what I would, if I was Gerry Adams.

-You can see him with a Labrador?

-I would probably call it Chucky.

Would you?

So, "This is wee Chucky, our Lab."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There must be.

It depends what sort of dog you have.

I have a dog and if you have a kind of greyhound sort of dog,

lads will come and ask you questions about greyhounds

that you're entirely unprepared for.

And then you have to confuse them, to give yourself time to get away.

So a lad came up to me the other day and went, "Well, do you race them?

"Do you? Do you race them?"

I was like, "Ah, no, sure, he's much faster than I am."

LAUGHTER

I watched the vice...

the vice-presidential debate.

You watched the vice...?

It's not a porno, Tim. Relax!

-Pence and what's the other...?

-Aye, Mike Pence...

-Tim Kaine.

-Tim Kaine and Mike Pence.

That's the important one.

That's how you see who'll be in charge of America next year

after the inevitable assassination.

They must...

They must hate the two of them so much.

I think he's... I don't get it,

-how that guy can be taken so seriously.

-No.

I've helped old guys into a taxi

in a more coherent state than Donald Trump.

People say they like him because he speaks his mind,

but old people in pubs speak their mind every Friday night,

but you don't encourage them.

Just a pat on the back, "Enjoy your night, mate."

That's all it would take to defeat Donald Trump.

"Build a wall, make America great again!"

Enjoy your night, mate. Just leave him. Leave the guy.

The vice that's involved in American politics,

it's all drug scandals and sex scandals and everything.

The DUP - this made the news -

the DUP at the Tory party conference had a drinks reception.

-Champagne.

-End of story! That was...

Because there was champagne involved in it.

It's the first time the DUP have ever had alcohol

at any kind of reception ever.

And they went straight in with champagne?

Straight in with champagne.

-They didn't, like, build up?

-No.

-Tea, Buckfast, champagne.

-No.

-Champagne!

-Straight in at champagne.

Big Aidan has gone away and all of a sudden, champagne.

I would love to have seen it.

You could take advantage of them. All these DUP boys,

"Would you like a drink of the devil's water... I mean, champagne?

"Would you like a drink of the champagne?"

And you're going, "Aye, have you got a pint of it?

"Is it served in a big glass? Is it? All right, hang on a minute."

Just keep pouring, Mervyn, there. Just keep pouring.

That's good, man. Apparently, it was a very well-attended event.

It's the best-attended event that the DUP have ever run.

But they won't do it in Stormont.

They won't do a joint event with Sinn Fein, because if you just pop,

all the Sinners will just hit the ground

straight away like that.

And then put an oily rag in the empty bottle.

LAUGHTER AND GROANING

When Ian Paisley retired, they had a retirement do for him

and he complained that he wasn't treated very well by the DUP.

They had a retirement do and they spent £70,000 on a retirement do

for Ian Paisley and I thought,

that is a feck of a lot of diluted orange juice.

-70 grand?

-70 grand and no booze?!

-No booze.

But they all said it was a very cordial event afterwards.

Oh! That's good.

And what is our next question tonight?

Our next question is, who do you blame for gay cake?

After rumbling on for two years, this week,

Ashers finally lost the so-called gay cake case.

It's legally very complicated, but basically, in Ashers,

you can have your cake and eat it,

but you can't have your cake and ice it.

The decision has been debated by politicians, lawyers

and commentators, but to be honest, they're all missing the point.

It's been two years! That cake must have gone off by now.

It will be stinking.

But who can we blame for the gay cake?

Everybody's calling it - all over the place,

it's on the news all this week - the gay cake row.

That's what they're calling it. The gay cake row.

Can we just clear this up once and for all,

cake is not gay, right?

Biscuits are gay, right?

That's a well-known phrase.

"Gay as a biscuit."

That's... Everyone knows that.

And gay cake row sort of diminishes what it was,

which was a sexual discrimination case.

That's like calling civil rights "whingeing Fenian movement,"

do you know what I mean? It's just...

-It was a case about discrimination, right?

-You mean it wasn't?

That's the thing, they're trying to imbue sexuality on a cake.

A cake has no sexuality. There's no genders, you know?

Except Colin the Caterpillar.

That's the only cake with gender.

Which is something completely different in our house, by the way.

LAUGHTER

Better believe it!

HE GIGGLES

-Oh, there's an image in my head!

-What?

In the week that's in it,

with Bake Off final, it's not fair, right?

Because it's taken away from Andrew Smyth, who is from here,

and he's in the final and...

-SCATTERED APPLAUSE

-I know.

Three women going, "Yaaaay!"

I watch Bake Off. I am a fan.

I like it and Andrew is great, but his voice is really annoying.

And... It really is! Oh, my God. It's just...

-Oh, my! You know?

-No, I don't watch it.

-I watch it, yeah.

He's got that sort of...

He went to Cambridge and he's a very educated person

and he's talk-ing ve-ry much like this heeeeere!

And what are we mak-ing this week?

Oh, we're mak-ing Tu-dor things, that's amaziiiing!

And he's a very talented man, but you're going,

"Oh, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up."

But he's not from here. He can't be from here.

He's on Bake Off. He has not made a sausage roll

or a mushroom vol-au-vent once. Right, that's...

The man is some sort of, you know, charlatan, that's all I'm saying.

They keep saying he's from Derby.

They keep saying he's from Derby, even though he's actually from here.

You see, he's one of those stealth Northern Irish accents.

He's one of those ones that's changed and you don't know

until every so often he says one of those words

that gives everybody from Northern Ireland away.

So he'll say, "I'm just putting the cake into the oven

"and then the cake will be ready

"in about two HOOOOURS!

"HOOOURS!

"Now, now, the cake is done, so it is."

And then... Ah, OK.

Because your only other guy from here that was on Bake Off

a couple of years ago, he's not like your man,

Andrew's very sort of level-headed and he keeps his cool.

Unlike your other boy - I can't remember his name -

who bucked the thing in the bin. He lost it.

He was properly from here!

Big beard on him and he got annoyed because something collapsed.

-And he went, "Oh, for...sake, man!"

-APPLAUSE

And lanced it in the bin. That's what you want!

"Stick it up your arse!"

And Mel and Sue came over in their sort of lovely sort of

"Oh, we could try again!"

"It's ruined! RUINED!

"The oven's a piece of shite!"

-He was...

-Absolutely brilliant.

He was so Northern Irish that he threw it in the bin

and they didn't even collect the bin,

because no-one told them that the bin days have been changed.

-That's...

-That's how Belfast he was.

You see what I mean?

The thing that annoys me about the Ashers thing is,

and God bless them, right, God bless them.

Everybody's got an opinion

and I'll fight for their right to have an opinion.

But the wee Christians have been saying for a while,

"Yes, we are earnestly praying to the Lord for an answer."

He's answered them.

He says no!

He says no.

They went to the first court of the law, that's God saying,

"Ha-ha-ha, I like the cake!"

They went to the appeal court...

It must be that God's, like, on a CB radio, really bad CB radio,

trying to get through.

"No! No, I like gays. Do you understand?

"They're my people too."

But some of the people that have said some things about it

have been genuinely hilarious.

Jim Allister, did you see what he said?

-No.

-"The aggressive gay rights lobby."

Like, who are they? Elton John with a hatchet?

Right? "Raaarrr!"

"Ooh! Raaaaaarrr!"

The bin thing is that's how to stress out a middle-aged person.

Wow! That is...

That came through, I got that the day before the change.

I got it on the Saturday.

This letter came through going, "What?! The bin? What?!

"MONDAY? Monday? But it's Saturday! How are we ever going to be ready?

"No! It's normally Thursday in our house. We can't..."

Oh, you got a letter? You got a letter?

Oh, big posh South Belfast got a letter.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I got nothing.

I got somebody... Somebody tweeted me.

Somebody tweeted me and I was...

Where I live, it's a lot of older people and they're widowers

and all this, and I, as you do, being a decent neighbour,

I'm rushing out and I'm up and knocking on doors and going,

"The bins, your bins are going to be..."

I have my jammies on, right?

And they're looking, going, "He was a new lodge.

"You can't take the new lodge out of them, sure you can't."

But that was the thing they did, that 40% of the letters

-weren't delivered. They were found in a skip.

-That's appropriate.

They were found in a skip. Only because they didn't know

which day the bins were being collected to put the things in.

And, yes, so they weren't delivered and so 40% of people in Belfast

didn't know. They're in the house, next thing they hear...

IMITATES LORRY REVERSING

"What the f..."

That's how to get your heart rate going if you're over 40.

Oh, my God!

Forget poppers, forget weird sex, just that.

That's how to get you.

That, or sit in the cinema and get your wife to lean over and go,

"Did we leave the immersion on?" WHAT?!

This is what's happened to this country, though. This is...

There are 1,800 people here today,

they were all asked to fill in a form, who do you blame for...?

1,800 people, who do you blame

for the council not sorting out the bins?

Basically, Belfast City Council, they changed the days of the bins

and you think, Belfast City Council, that is typical,

to balls up something that involves designated days.

LAUGHTER

Best food story this week wasn't the cake or even the Bake Off.

Erm... Did you know that marijuana is now kosher?

-Is it?!

-It's now kosher.

You can get marijuana officially for Passover,

I think it is, that's kosher.

Oh, so you can smoke during Passover?

That's kind of bad, because as far as I know, during Passover,

you can't eat any cakes.

LAUGHTER

You're going to be stoned off your bin, going, "Ohhh...

"Unleavened bread again?"

So Jewish people can get stoned

and no Palestinians got shot as a result.

GROANING

One guy clapped that, there. Well done.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

Did you see the guy in America who couldn't get back into his house?

He couldn't get back into his house in Arizona or somewhere

because he was locked out, so instead of breaking a small window

the way normally people do, he got in the chimney.

He climbed down the chimney and got stuck in the chimney.

And had to ring the fire brigade and they went, "OK."

MOCKING LAUGHTER

And turned up and pulled him out on a rope,

soot all over him, right, and...

He's lucky he didn't call the cops in the US,

-they would have shot him.

-GROANING

So what is our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for disruptive audiences?

This week, Justin Bieber stormed off stage

after urging teenage fans to stop screaming.

Justin calls his millions of fans Beliebers,

presumably because calling them brain-dead morons who'd listen

to any old crap would send out the wrong message.

When Keith Richards met Justin Bieber,

the legendary Rolling Stones guitarist apparently said,

"Who the F are you?"

To be fair, though, Keith Richards has been known to say,

"Who the F are you?", whilst looking in the mirror.

But who can we blame for disruptive audiences?

Have we got anybody in from Derry here?

CHEERING

I had a show last year.

I don't know if anybody heard about that.

Everybody's heard about that!

In Derry.

I don't know if she's in.

I'm suffering from PTSD.

The first 20 minutes of the show,

we just had this woman just going, "Kevin, Kevin, Kevin..."

It was a fucking smoke alarm going off

inside her brain.

That's not a heckle, that's just, like...

-Have you ever clicked on a pop-up virus?

-Yeah.

That was me trying to deal with her to try and close...

And then another 500 pop up at the same time like,

"Kevin, Kevin, Kevin..."

And it was crazy. It made the paper.

But the people of Derry, the reaction was incredible.

-ONE WOMAN WHOOPS

-The next day...

Thank you there.

Yes, she's in tonight!

APPLAUSE

The next day... I've never heard something so chilling in my life.

A guy walked up to me and he goes, "Don't you worry, Kevin.

"She's been named and shamed."

LAUGHTER

But he said it in a way as if he had her

in the boot of his car or something.

And, erm, I had to sort of tweet and say, look, it's cool.

She was just a bit drunk.

I never knew what was going to happen to this poor woman.

And it was in the local newspaper.

An audience member said the heckling was horrific

and branded it the worst night ever.

Which... In Derry, the worst night ever?

I'm pretty sure there's been worse nights

in recent history.

"Oh, you want to have heard the heckling.

"Covering people's ears and things, oh, desperate I was."

Anyway, no hard feelings to her.

I hope she never got sacked

or took away in the back of a boot or whatever.

LAUGHTER

-You ever done a gig in a prison before?

-No.

-Yes.

-I've done that before.

-Crumlin Road Gaol.

But there's nobody in it.

I done one when I was 18 in Shotts prison in Scotland.

And about ten minutes into the gig,

a guy stood up and went back to his cell.

That's a...

a heckle that has never been topped.

"This guy's shite, I'm away to finish my life sentence."

It hurts.

If you go to a lot of gigs now, people have those flipping phones

all the time and they're filming stuff. Have you had that?

-People filming your gig?

-I don't mind it,

as long as it's a Samsung Galaxy. That helps.

-Anybody got a Samsung Galaxy?

-ONE OR TWO VOICES:

-Yes.

The first smartphone you can light a cigarette off.

I love the fact that the selling point was that they're waterproof.

I thought that was a brilliant idea for a phone that goes on fire.

Oooh! Clever!

Like the Terminator. It goes on fire -

"Jesus! Put it in the water!" "It's not helping!"

But they've sent fireproof boxes now,

because they're all going to be recalled and there's a bag and

there's another box and then there's another box and the instructions...

The instructions basically have been written by Brian Kennedy because

it's put the phone into the box, put the bag into the box, put the...

Send the car around the world. That's what it is.

It's not box.

-Bax!

-Sorry. Bax!

You told me once, if you want to do a Belfast accent,

you have to change the Os and the As.

So I box with my hand,

but you bax with your hond.

That's it. That's it!

That's it.

Now, if you would like to ask the panel a question,

just e-mail us at [email protected].

So what's our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for Brexit?

Yes, the UK voted for Brexit on June the 23rd.

Because of BBC rules about impartiality,

I am not at liberty to tell you which way I voted.

So I'm afraid you'll never know whether I voted remain

or whether I voted to buck the country over a cliff.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Just because I don't like foreigners... I'm joking!

I'm actually joking, ladies and gentlemen.

I actually voted for leave, but only because after we leave the EU,

Neil Delamere will become a migrant worker.

APPLAUSE

And the only way to get him onto the show will be to smuggle him

across the border in a lorry full of sheep and red diesel.

On the downside, the way things are going, if Neil insists on

being paid in euros, he'll bankrupt the whole of Northern Ireland.

But who can we blame for Brexit?

I blame the English.

CHEERING

It's true!

You voted to remain here. Scotland, we voted...

I think Scotland and Northern Ireland should merge.

And stay in Europe.

APPLAUSE

It would be great.

We could become the European capital

of shite weather and religious intolerance.

There was a move to do this and it was called the Celtic Union.

Which sounds like a really crap album you put on

when you're trying to... trying to hope at somebody.

Put on a bit of Celtic Union, will I?

Enya and a bagpipe.

No, it's a pain in the arse, isn't it?

I don't know why Theresa May is in such a hurry.

She's triggered Article 50.

Don't know if anybody's read any of these 50 articles,

never mind the last one.

But she wants to get it moving by March, which is soon.

It took me about six months to get out of a Vodafone contract. So...

For a start...

A 120% increase in British people looking for Irish passports

in August alone.

And, no offence to anybody,

but if you're English and you want to come over

to the Republic of Ireland, I mean, en masse,

I don't think you should be allowed to come over

and take all the jobs off the Polish people.

It was the first time ever the newsletter basically had

"Brits out" on the front.

And the pound's fell on the euro. I don't know what it is.

It's probably going to be about 20 quid for

a Cornetto next summer when you're on holiday.

What I want to see is a Larne-Stranraer ferry and the

first time an Orangeman is stopped at Stranraer

and asked for his passport. That's what I'm waiting to see.

And he's forced to hand him an Irish one.

That's going to be fun.

Thank you. Thank you very much for that.

Yes, indeed, some refugees from the Jungle camp in Calais are due

to be rehoused across the UK

and some of them will be sent here.

Of course, you'll be able to easily recognise the refugees sent here.

They'll be the ones holding the short straws.

So, what is our next question tonight?

Who do you blame for a peaceful summer?

Yes, after a three-year stand-off at Twaddell Avenue,

some fellas got to march past some empty shops while some other fellas

got out of their beds at seven in the morning to shout at them fellas.

You can say what you like about Northern Ireland,

but we know how to enjoy ourselves.

Personally, I was sorry to see Twaddell go,

because it was the closest thing we ever had to a theme park.

Forget Disney World, we had Disney's Frozen...in time.

APPLAUSE

But who can we blame for a peaceful summer?

What a country this is that that's a question.

It is quiet. It was so quiet all this marching season.

On 11th night, right, I'm driving home.

-Along the Shore Road.

-Got a new car?

-Shut up.

-Off a fella in the pub.

-Yeah, exactly.

But it was that quiet, right?

I was looking around, and 11th night is usually boogaloo.

Shore Road, particularly, boogaloo.

No disrespect to the Shore Road. Where my wife is from.

I drove through red lights, right?

Because I was looking around and I realised I had driven through

red lights when I saw the little flashing blue light behind me.

So your big cop gets out, pulls me over, sound big man, right?

Trying to check that I'm not full, right, not drunk, and I'm not blind.

So I admitted to him, I said, "Tell you what it was.

"I was so distracted there. It's so quiet!"

And the reaction I got wasn't what I had expected.

The big cop goes, "No, no, aye..." Big Ballymena man.

"Ah, yes, now. It is quiet now. It's quiet now, yes.

"Suppose it's good to see.

"Although I have to say, sir, to be honest with you,

"the overtime at this time of year usually decides

"whether I take the family to Disney World in Paris

"or Disney World USA."

And it is Twaddell. Twaddell was the thing.

Twaddell was the thing.

Now, Kevin, this is the end of a little thing now.

How to explain this to you who's not from here?

The only way I can do it is to explain it like

a children's story, OK?

So we'll do Twaddell like a children's story.

-A little kid's story. Are you sitting comfortably, Kevin?

-Yes.

Boys and girls, are you all sitting comfortably?

-ALL:

-Yes.

-I shall begin.

There was a village...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

There was a village called Ardoyne.

A lovely little hamlet full of lovely little people.

There was a little Orangeman...

CHEERING

Who every 12th of July marched past the village down to this field,

where he listened to sermons about abstinence and the evils of drink.

And then got pished and...

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

This happened for many, many years, Kevin.

Year in he went down, year out he went back.

Year in... Until one time, a long time ago...

Three years ago, three years ago, right.

Suddenly, the locals...

LAUGHTER

The local residents decided this was not on. They were not...

They were keeping an eye...

keeping an eye on this Orangeman and they said no.

So they said no.

The Parades Commission, which is something we have set up

to basically make it worse than it already is, right?

They let the little Orangeman go to the field

but they wouldn't let him come home.

But the little Orangeman said, "No, I am not giving up."

The little Orangeman made himself a caravan.

APPLAUSE

He said, "I will stay here.

"I will not talk to those little residents.

"I will stay here for as long as it takes and I will never go home."

But here's the amazing thing, Kevin.

Every year...

the same little Orangeman...

walked back down the road...

..defying physics.

LAUGHTER

Because what people didn't know was this was a magic caravan.

This was an Orangeman transporter.

Every year, on the 11th night, the little Orangeman

went into the caravan and was magically transported.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

To go back down.

So after three years - three years! -

eventually, the little Orangeman says,

"Ach, I'll talk to him after all."

And they have a chat.

And they find out they can come to a compromise.

And, Kevin, that should be where our story ends.

But not in Northern Ireland.

Because even though there was a compromise, all of a sudden,

big bad Dee Fennell arrived.

LAUGHTER

And big Dee said he would huff and he would puff and

he would blow the compromise down.

DOLL CRIES

Dee, I am not your parish priest, Dee, you can't shout at me, Dee. No.

No.

-That was beautiful.

-Was that beautiful?

-Aye.

Fuck being a child in this country.

Imagine having to...

-..having to go to sleep after that story.

-Exactly.

Imagine him in a leather jacket there

reading you a story at night, right?

"Are you lying there comfortably, are you?

"Relax and shut up, listen."

-So who's to blame, then?

-Who's to blame?

-Peaceful summer.

Qualifying for the Euros must have contributed to the peace, no?

We've always found that in Glasgow.

-Football helps to defuse sectarian tension.

-LAUGHTER

-It's worked for us over the years.

-That went well, yeah?

-Aye.

We're coming up to Halloween,

and do you know you can actually stay the night in Dracula's castle?

-Oh, yeah!

-With Airbnb.

-This is so weird!

Yeah, you can stay in Transylvania.

You can go on an Airbnb competition and stay in Dracula's gaff.

It's called Bran Castle,

presumably because you're going to shit yourself while you're in there.

And it was associated with Vlad the Impaler.

Vlad the Impaler used to impale people on wooden sticks

or, as I like to call it, hurling.

But it's a really odd thing, because the way you win the competition,

right, is you have to say what you would ask Dracula if you met him.

-If you ever met Dracula, what would you say to him?

-What?

I would just say, "Would you stop drinking the blood?

"Like, wean yourself off slowly.

"Have a bit of black pudding or something like that

"and you'll be grand."

But the good thing about Dracula is that Dracula will

bite gay people, Dracula will bite straight people, right?

So it says an awful lot about a place when the worst monster

in the minds of men has a more open attitude

towards blood donation than...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Like, do you think...?

So, in the Republic, if you're gay, you can't give blood and here,

there's a year deferral. Do you think Dracula cares?

Like, do you think Dracula's about to bite a guy going...

-MUFFLED:

-"You're not gay, are you?

"Are you...? Are you gay?" "Yes, I'm gay."

"Ah, for...sake...

"Er... How gay are you?" "What do you mean, how gay?!"

"When was the last time you had sex?"

"I don't know... About 12 months ago."

"Be specific! Was it less than 12 months or more than 12 months ago?"

"It was more than 12 months ago."

"Yaaay! I have to drag you to Newry though."

Airbnb, you can Airbnb in council houses in Derry.

-No, you're not supposed to!

-Aye, but you can.

On Airbnb, the Housing Executive are giving off about people in Derry

-who are letting up their houses...

-Possibly!

-They're not, I've looked up.

-Yeah, there's nobody.

They are letting up their houses and it's on Airbnb.

-There's no evidence.

-There is.

-Is there?

-The Housing Executive said there is.

-No, they're worried about it.

It really should be called Derry Airbnb.

LAUGHTER

-But, yeah...

-Can you imagine if you stayed there?

You will go up in the middle of the night just hearing, "Kevin...

"Kevin, Kevin..."

Thank you very much for that.

Yes, indeed, Northern Ireland is to get its own version of Dragons' Den.

Instead of entrepreneurs pitching innovative ideas to the Dragons,

a bald man will walk into the Northern Ireland Executive,

says he's from the UDA and lift £1.7 million.

Just time for this week's news.

I will read you various newspaper headlines

and I want you to be faster than Bob Dylan accepting a Nobel Prize.

"Why can't we deport these thugs?"

Because they're MLAs.

LAUGHTER

"Taping your mouth shut stops you snoring."

"And stops screaming from the boot," says leading loyalist.

"Revealed - a teenager's favourite word."

Ugh, revealed! That's not it. You don't know me!

"Groped on a plane."

Bill Cosby to replace Samuel L Jackson in movie sequel.

"'I still hear my late wife's voice at night,' says Tom Jones."

It's not unusual.

"Army sex rap."

British Legion launch a new charity single.

And finally, "Naked except for a string of pearls."

Jullian Simmons goes out in style!

APPLAUSE

That's it. That's it, that's the end of the show.

Please show your appreciation to our panel,

Colin Murphy, Kevin Bridges, Jake O'Kane and Neil Delamere.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I'm...

I'm Tim McGarry. Until next week, don't blame yourselves,

blame each other. Goodbye.