Episode 4 The Blame Game


Episode 4

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inspectors. That's the future by any chance, is it? Jan O'Dowd. Who's to

:02:03.:02:10.

blame for the lack of a list celebrities and the multitude of

:02:11.:02:12.

country singers turning on Christmas tree lights? This is Rory from Omagh

:02:13.:02:22.

town. Yes because you'll get Justin Bieber in Armagh. That's very

:02:23.:02:27.

insulting to who turned on the lights. Who was it? Lauren. Sorry,

:02:28.:02:38.

light. In fairness, they didn't ask him to. It's a bit dark! Who's to

:02:39.:02:48.

blame for the roadworks on the road? I haven't been able to collect my

:02:49.:02:54.

gyro in two weeks? Who's to blame for Donald Trump non-answering my

:02:55.:03:04.

calls, Jim Allister. So, what is our first question tonight? Who do you

:03:05.:03:08.

blame for Christmas coming too early? Yes, it started. The

:03:09.:03:12.

Christmas ads are in full swing, and this year John Lewis at features

:03:13.:03:18.

foxes and a badger on a trampoline. The Queen was actually going to buy

:03:19.:03:21.

one of the trampolines or Prince Philip unless she realised that the

:03:22.:03:24.

animals and a shot gun ones included. And, after many years of

:03:25.:03:31.

wrangling, it looks like Northern Ireland might finally get its own

:03:32.:03:35.

John Lewis store, which is great news because the last time when the

:03:36.:03:41.

John Lewis store was turned down, culture or was put on suicide watch.

:03:42.:03:49.

But who can we blame for Christmas coming too early? Us! It's our

:03:50.:03:58.

fault, I say us... Men. How often does that happen? Christmas doesn't

:03:59.:04:01.

come early, it can be sent on every year, but how often does it come and

:04:02.:04:06.

you find yourself as a bloke, the 2nd of December commit no presents

:04:07.:04:09.

bought, no beer in and you have to go, oh, Christmas has snuck up on me

:04:10.:04:15.

this year. This whole thing of Christmas ad starting early, it's

:04:16.:04:20.

like when you've got to get up at $7 you set your alarm for half five.

:04:21.:04:25.

Because you know that you're going to be pressing snooze for a good 90

:04:26.:04:31.

minutes, and it is still gets to seven and you go, I'm late. That's

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an analogy for what is happening in general with the whole Christmas

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being advertised, and I understand it but I also resent it, having said

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that. It's not so much the appetising, but the ridiculous

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preparations early. I was in my local supermarket in October,

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selling stuff on October, mince pies... And the mince pies had a

:04:55.:05:00.

best before date of November 12. That just made me sad because I

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thought somebody's celebrate in Christmas early, that's who's that

:05:05.:05:08.

fourth. Enemy celebrates it early for a happy reason. No... That and

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nobody celebrated early. Grandad's not going to make it this year.

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We'll buy some mince pies and will have them in November! Your uncle

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John is going back inside! But it's the ads, that's the thing. The Coke

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ads, the American Coke ads at Christmas... Holidays are coming!

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It's less terrifying than that! That they say it! Holidays are coming...

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Holidays are coming... . They said that there were teasing -- tears in

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their eyes watching it. I love Coke! It brings a tear to my eye! Holidays

:06:00.:06:08.

are coming! There is a brilliant ad for Irn-Bru. And he seen it? This is

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the Scottish version where you know Christmas is coming. There is an

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Irn-Bru and that he been running for a puny years now and it is a Mickey

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take of the snowman, right, so it's the same animation,... Walking in

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the air! Not that though, a Scottish version. A snowman to my wee boy, a

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can of Irn-Bru and they go flying through the air usual thing, and the

:06:38.:06:41.

snowman see the Irn-Bru and those give us a drink, and they are

:06:42.:06:48.

flying, drinking, la la la and then he smacks him into a chimney, and

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then he drops the can, and drops the child, and flies off. That they

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Christmas ad! The true spirit of Christmas, right there. I think the

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saddest thing I've seen sold for Christmas, though, and again in my

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local supermarket was single slices of Christmas cake. Not even two

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slices. A single slice. Who buys a single slice of Christmas cake and

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just sits there... Put! Standing on one end of a cracker... LAUGHTER

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This is what I get for having Christmas in November! It's the

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presence you get bought, presents you need to be careful. Now,

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presence you get bored, I get bought a joke book, right? LAUGHTER

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Now, anyone who has watched this show... It's not funny. Anyone who

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has watched this show for ten years knows I don't do jokes. They will

:08:03.:08:07.

know that for a fact. I had put it away and forgotten about it. May you

:08:08.:08:14.

shouldn't. I forgot about it for three years and then I gave it back

:08:15.:08:18.

to the person... Who gave it to me. Is that why it's frosty between the

:08:19.:08:23.

two of you? You would have got away with it, except they inscribed the

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fly list to Jake happy Christmas 1989. I got a top man voucher. A top

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man voucher, right question mark and 50. I quite literally can't give it

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away without looking like a paedophile. Can you imagine going to

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top man with... Yes, indeed, the Christmas market is

:08:46.:08:59.

back in Belfast. Apparently if you post a letter to Santa Claus from

:09:00.:09:02.

the market you are guaranteed a reply. I'm not so sure. I sent a

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letter weeks ago asking Santa if he was a categoric Protestant? I still

:09:09.:09:12.

haven't heard anything back! So what is our next question? Who do you

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blame for wasting money? Good News, Northern Ireland in of the Autumn

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Statement, Northern Ireland got an extra ?250 million. The assembly

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will decide how to spend the money. So half will go to vital

:09:26.:09:28.

infrastructure projects, and the other half to Dee Stitt's flute

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band. LAUGHTER And there is controversy in Britain

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as it emerged that the cost of repairing Buckingham Palace was ?369

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million. To be honest, we're lucky Buckingham Palace is in London

:09:49.:09:52.

because if it was in Northern Ireland, NAMA would have sold it for

:09:53.:09:57.

40 grand in cash and a year's supplier of cheese and onion crisps.

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Northern Ireland cheese and onion, the good stuff! But who can we blame

:10:03.:10:09.

for wasting money? I said last week, the exchange, because they gave it a

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green light. Typical Northern Ireland, give a green light but no

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money for it. I asked Sander. I asked Sander on the radio and he

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sent us ?250 million. There is a Santa! I blame the politicians, I

:10:25.:10:32.

blame the assembly, the imbeciles that we call MLAs. Leave aside the

:10:33.:10:36.

3.5 million that never happened on that stadium. There was 16 million

:10:37.:10:42.

on the education and skills and -- education skills authority, that

:10:43.:10:46.

didn't happen. Leave it to the site. 21 million wasted on Cadell. Forget

:10:47.:10:52.

about red sky, NAMA, social investment funds that were going

:10:53.:10:54.

through right now, and renewable energy fund that will cost up to ?1

:10:55.:10:57.

billion that we will be going through in the next three months,

:10:58.:11:01.

and that will be put to the site. I'm not saying our politicians are

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corrupt... LAUGHTER They are too stupid to be corrupt!

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That's what I'm saying, this is unbelievable, and the thing is still

:11:10.:11:15.

going on, Dee Stitt hasn't gone away, you know. We Dee Stitt was

:11:16.:11:23.

supposed to stand down and didn't. Even Arlene couldn't frighten Dee

:11:24.:11:27.

Stitt to stand down. And she can frighten most men do stand down,

:11:28.:11:31.

right? Soap de's on his last written warning. Can you imagine? How to

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choose who is going to give him that letter! All right, lads, pick a

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straw. Biggest draw. How would you? If you are Dee Stitt... Look,

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there's Arlene! Not me! Not me! You said 370 million quid to refurbish

:11:57.:12:00.

bragging rights. Isn't it time that he downsizes, now? All the kids are

:12:01.:12:07.

gone... She's 90, her man's 95. She is got 775 rooms. Just open plan!

:12:08.:12:13.

Knock through. Do what most normal people do in that situation, too

:12:14.:12:16.

many real scummy unit they view of them out. Basically when she goes on

:12:17.:12:20.

holiday she goes on Prince Charles's renting a rooms out, and turn it

:12:21.:12:28.

into a air B She won't move out, she said it would be more expensive

:12:29.:12:34.

to move them out, because it is big so they will work. They will live on

:12:35.:12:40.

the other end, and as they finish a bet they will move around, and I

:12:41.:12:43.

like the idea of a Queen having somebody builders in. She, anyone?

:12:44.:12:55.

Derby two sugars, love! 775 rooms. Yeah? The Cluedo version of that...

:12:56.:13:02.

You'd never solve it, would you? If Prince Charles were example wanted

:13:03.:13:15.

to kill somebody... I actually wanted is not to get the job, but

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you went to my dark, that's fine. They are talking about putting the

:13:20.:13:23.

rates on and certain people are exempt, Churchill are exempt, church

:13:24.:13:27.

halls, parish halls don't have to pay any business rates anywhere,

:13:28.:13:31.

like charity shops don't have to pay them. They do. Dave want them to. --

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they want them to. I think there should be a flag tax... Somebody

:13:42.:13:47.

suggested it and I thought it was a genius idea. Every single flag that

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is up, no matter who butted up, whatever side it is on, whatever

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colour it is, someone gets a bill. Stop at random, somebody on the

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street, there's 50 quid a bill. For what? That. And Ron! It so much more

:14:00.:14:08.

exciting living here, I live in a little village in Essex, and the

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current hot button topic that finance is it's going to cost quite

:14:12.:14:19.

a lot to drain the duck pond. There have been some divisions on the

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parish council! Who's going to pick up the bill?! LAUGHTER

:14:25.:14:31.

That could restart the troubles! The biggest waste of money in this

:14:32.:14:44.

jurisdiction. In Northern Ireland, ?1 billion over renewable energies.

:14:45.:14:48.

Let me get this straight, everywhere else in the UK there was a cap, here

:14:49.:14:56.

they said let's not put a cap on it. Put another blue badge on the fire.

:14:57.:15:05.

There is no way. Farmers are being paid to delete empty barns. They

:15:06.:15:10.

will grant us more money for the more he continues. If it is

:15:11.:15:16.

renewable energy? If Jesus comes back to Northern Ireland, it is a

:15:17.:15:20.

good thing. If he's born in a stable, it will be heated. Arlene

:15:21.:15:29.

Foster was the minister concerned. When she was asked why, she said it

:15:30.:15:33.

was the civil service's fault. She could not be expected to know the

:15:34.:15:38.

details. Basically what I thought politicians were elected to do. Call

:15:39.:15:47.

me old-fashioned! She would be great on The Prentice. Well I was just

:15:48.:15:57.

project manager. Martin McGuinness would be great on that show. Thank

:15:58.:16:08.

you very much for that, the refurbishment of Buckingham Palace

:16:09.:16:11.

will take ten years to complete. Only supposed to take three years,

:16:12.:16:15.

they remembered after Brexit Polish plumbers will be in short supply!

:16:16.:16:20.

What is our next question? Who do you blame for Heinz beans? A recent

:16:21.:16:29.

advert showed you how to drum a tune on an empty can. After I eat a tin

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of beans, the last thing I need is more percussion! In the advert,

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Heinz issued simple instructions how to use an empty can, wash it, take

:16:42.:16:48.

it up, beat it, also the name of the new Fifty Shades Of Grey movie. He

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can we blame for Heinz been? You said in the effort they gave the

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safety advice, but they did not, that is why it was banned. They hit

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it often is. Playing the music. People complain. No safety advice in

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the particular advert. Nine people rung up, saying it is very

:17:11.:17:14.

dangerous. That is how they'll talk. It is very dangerous. What is the up

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a child from taking the can and shoving it up the hole? You just

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don't know, it does not save the advert, you just don't know. A long

:17:30.:17:34.

line of children walking in and out, I have a Canon up my hole, the Echo

:17:35.:17:41.

effect. What happens of the child cuts off the top, then lets the rim.

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Coming off their tongue. I have no time for us it is just moronic. Some

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people say should be banned, some people say there is a good effort.

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Absolutely legal! -- lethal! Is the safety issue, if you do not stop

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banging that tin, I will break your fingers? That seems to be the safety

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issue. It is clever. That is not the health and safety issue of the week,

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that is the farmer. Have you seen this question he turns up to the

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place, disposing hazardous material. He had four kilograms, about ten lbs

:18:55.:19:05.

in old money. Cyanide. On his farm. Enough to take out the whole county.

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About 70 or 80,000 people in Ross County. He could have killed all of

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them. Do you remember the old days, when a farmer had something that

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could take out the whole county, just fertiliser, the good old days.

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He said he used to use it in the 70s, he used to use cyanide to kill

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rabbits, and landmines to kill foxes! He had it, gave it away, the

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right thing to do. It is the any constituency in the whole Republican

:19:40.:19:41.

voting against equal marriage, what was he planning to do? I have an

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ingredient for you... A lot of people complain, health and safety

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gone mad. It is not, people are stupid, that is why health and

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safety legislation. Somebody did it, that is the reason they often bring

:20:09.:20:12.

it in. If you buy an electronic device, there is little bag of

:20:13.:20:16.

silicone gel, and written on it, do not eat them that is because some

:20:17.:20:18.

cars -- ass hole eight the silicone gel.

:20:19.:20:30.

Any hired a lawyer, he said nobody told him not to eat it. -- has eaten

:20:31.:20:38.

the silicon gel. You are right about people being morons. Don't point. I

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am agreeing with you. You know the sign in the airport on the

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travelator, face direction of travel. I was on it with my friend,

:20:51.:20:56.

it said that, he looked at me, we were flying to France. But I don't

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know which way is East. Thank you for that. Yes, bags of salad can

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cause food poisoning. And advert warning of the dangers of eating

:21:12.:21:15.

salad has gone out all across the UK, apart from Stormont. The PS and

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I will wear permanent body cameras, on the whole time the police officer

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is on duty. Republicans are suspicious, human rights groups are

:21:28.:21:30.

concerned, and chip shop owners are delighted with the free publicity.

:21:31.:21:35.

If you would like to ask the panel the question, e-mail us. What is our

:21:36.:21:41.

next question tonight? Who do you blame for an Ulster man's Castle

:21:42.:21:49.

being his car. An Ulsterman bought a Ferrari for ?1.6 million. Goes from

:21:50.:21:56.

0- 60 in three seconds. 0- 60 in one hour a half when it is on the West

:21:57.:22:01.

Link. To be honest, I don't need a ?1.6 million car from my manhood is

:22:02.:22:10.

a normal size. He can be blamed for an Ulsterman's Castle being his

:22:11.:22:14.

carcass you are taller than normal, it probably look small. That is the

:22:15.:22:23.

thing this men who buy, especially particularly red racing cars, this

:22:24.:22:29.

one was a red Ferrari, they are somehow compensating for something

:22:30.:22:34.

else lacking in their life. They did research on this, they found that it

:22:35.:22:37.

is actually true, they asked the selection and then you only

:22:38.:22:40.

supercars, what they thought about the downstairs region, is it, do you

:22:41.:22:49.

know what I mean.... Or was it average? The majority said, short of

:22:50.:22:57.

average. The other one was saying, the holidays are coming. Some ideas.

:22:58.:23:05.

-- somebody is! The majority of these men thought they were slightly

:23:06.:23:10.

above average. Then they asked the partners of the people who moan

:23:11.:23:13.

because, and they said the complete opposite. 0- 60 in three seconds,

:23:14.:23:23.

cost 1.6 million, he is Philip Shields, he owns 15 Ferrari 's. He

:23:24.:23:28.

lives in County Down. His address is... West Belfast suddenly tuned

:23:29.:23:43.

in. He has a massive garage. He has a massive red Ferrari, the need to

:23:44.:23:50.

overcompensate, look at me. I don't, I have a small black felt Lagan

:23:51.:23:58.

Paulo. 1.2, ladies. -- small black Volkswagen Polo. His road tax is

:23:59.:24:03.

?1100 a year. If you can afford 1.6 million, you just go, whatever. He

:24:04.:24:08.

has bought another one, it is insane. He has 15. The speed limit

:24:09.:24:15.

is 70 mph. My Volkswagen Polo will go 70. And I have a big... I met a

:24:16.:24:31.

guy who had a Ferrari, not a mad expensive one, it was from the

:24:32.:24:35.

1980s, exactly the same as Magnum PI. I don't know him well, he said

:24:36.:24:41.

he was in a back country lane in Ireland, he got pulled over by a

:24:42.:24:48.

Guard, who said it is your car? Yes, it is. Give us a go! Feet got in the

:24:49.:25:00.

car, left him, took. He did not go with him? He just took the car for

:25:01.:25:12.

20 minutes, came back, lovely. 259 Carfax in Derry -- car thefts in

:25:13.:25:20.

Derry? How desperate people to get out? Thought you were doing a

:25:21.:25:35.

headline, none stolen in Clare. -- a nun. There is no traffic there. If

:25:36.:25:45.

you are in the county from you would say, get in, getting boys. -- get

:25:46.:25:50.

in, boys. Thank you for that. Just time for

:25:51.:26:01.

this week's news. I will read you various newspaper headlines, I want

:26:02.:26:06.

you to be faster than a joyrider in a ?1.16 Ferrari. Calling Carl

:26:07.:26:19.

Frampton a divorce. -- a dwarf. Tim McGarry to star in the next Fifty

:26:20.:26:20.

Shades Of Grey. Not a few other dolphin! -- if you

:26:21.:26:29.

are a dolphin. If they do, this'll be the last of

:26:30.:26:42.

this show. Barra best takes acid before the

:26:43.:27:06.

weather forecast. It would be easier than building

:27:07.:27:20.

Casement Park. Katie Hopkins autobiography

:27:21.:27:46.

released. APPLAUSE.

:27:47.:27:59.

That is it, the end of the show, show your appreciation for the

:28:00.:28:00.

panel. I am Tim McGarry, until next week,

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don't blame yourselves, blame each other! Goodbye.

:28:17.:28:40.

Who knows where it's going to take me?

:28:41.:28:41.

Maybe I'm related to a few criminals.

:28:42.:28:43.

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