Winter The Vicar of Dibley


Winter

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# The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want

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# He maketh me to lie down in green pastures

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# He leadeth me

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# To silent, still water

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# Still water. #

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Sorry I'm late, everyone, I was glued to the footie.

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With digital you can choose your own angles.

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I've just watched it in front of Ginola's shorts.

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-I was glued to the telly as well.

-Are you a footie fan, Jim?

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No, no, no. I mean I was actually glued to the telly.

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I was trying to build an Airfix model of the spaceship Enterprise

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and I had a bit of spillage.

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-How did you get unstuck?

-Well, I didn't.

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Right, let's get started. First thing on the agenda

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is this year's Christmas show.

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Now, last year was a disappointment.

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-Your juggling, Owen.

-No-one's juggled with live puppies before.

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-Or since.

-I only dropped a couple!

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We need this year's show to be a triumph. It is the millennium -

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-2,000 years since Jesus' birth.

-Well, we're one step ahead of you.

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Over to you, Hugo.

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Well, six months ago, the vicar approached me, Frank and Jim...

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..to form a Christmas show subcommittee

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to come up with big ideas.

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We've been meeting once a fortnight and we're pretty excited

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because this week we had a breakthrough.

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What's that?

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-We've agreed the date of the first full meeting.

-Right, when's that?

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February 10th.

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-Next year?

-Yes.

-2000?

-Yes.

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-After Christmas?

-Yes.

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Hugo, we want this to be the best Christmas ever.

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-And we don't have a show.

-Sorry.

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I could juggle with kittens.

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They don't mind being dropped.

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-How do you know?

-Experience.

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-Moving swiftly on.

-All we need is one of us to come up with one idea for the best Christmas show ever.

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By tomorrow.

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Mmm.

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I've got it. I've darn well got it!

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Well done.

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Listen, Christmas is all about the baby Jesus, isn't it?

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Yes, and I warn you to be careful before you suggest juggling babies.

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On second thoughts, perhaps I haven't got it.

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Yes, of course, bishop, our show will be very, very special indeed.

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We haven't decided, but I'm sure the best idea is round the corner.

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Nice to see me, to see me nice!

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Spoke too soon on that one.

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I'll speak to you in January, then.

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Oh, love to Julio, by the way.

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And Juan too. Has his nasty piercing infection cleared up?

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OK, bye.

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How's it going, lady of the lump?

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-Weird. I can feel it moving around.

-Ooh!

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You've never had anything moving around inside you, have you?

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Not a baby, no.

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It's amazing. It's almost as if it's alive.

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But it IS alive, Alice.

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Oh, yeah. Oh, brillo!

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Do you mind if I just get on? Got a bit of a Christmas crisis.

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I'll just sit here, then. Get out your way. Get my breath back.

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Right, I'll just get my stuff, then.

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-RAVE MUSIC PLAYS

-Can you turn that down a bit?

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It's a funny thought - when they're 70, babies like that one you've got in your tum

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will go gooey over music like that.

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The way we got sentimental about Abba, they'll get teary-eyed over Smack My Bitch Up.

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Yeah, Abba were a bit experimental for me.

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-I like my music more middle of the road.

-What would that be?

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The Wombles, really.

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Right, right.

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They were a great band, weren't they?

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# Remember you're a womble. #

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Yeah, v, v funky, weren't they?

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You never hear of them any more, do you?

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Take That split up and Robbie Williams and Gary Barlow carried on, but what happened to the Wombles?

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You never see Uncle Bulgaria on Later With Jools Holland.

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Because Uncle Bulgaria was a man in a suit.

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Uncle Bulgaria never wore a suit.

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There was always a man inside Uncle Bulgaria.

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I don't care what he got up to in private.

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Many rock stars are gay. It doesn't mean he wasn't a great musician.

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He wasn't a musician at all. He was just a costume. Uncle Bulgaria is in a box somewhere.

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Uncle Bulgaria is dead?

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Let's finish this before I stab you to death.

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I have got to devise a show for people to remember for 1,000 years.

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-That's easy!

-And not Dibley's Wombling merry Christmas.

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Oh, right. Difficult.

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I suppose the Nativity is the obvious choice.

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Yes, but we need to give it a twist.

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Well, I suppose you could do it on an actual farm.

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Not a farm, you silly girl!

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So the audience can follow the story round the farmyard on a magical moonlit night.

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Visit the shepherds in a real field.

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Have Mary and Joseph in a stable with real cows - that sort of thing.

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-Alice?

-Yeah?

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How does it feel to have your first very good idea indeed?

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-Great, it feels great.

-Good.

-And here comes some more.

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Maybe the wise men can't see Jesus when they come into the stable

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and we'll have to go, "He's behind you!"

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-Oh, your taxi's arrived.

-Then Jesus can escape from Herod right up a sort of giant beanstalk.

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Oh, it's a spaceship come to collect you for experiments(!)

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KNOCKING >

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-Enter next hopeful thespian.

-Hello, vicar.

-Hello, Frank.

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-I'd like to audition for one of the wise men.

-Right, here's the script.

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I'll read the other wise men, shall I?

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All right. Ready?

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Here we go. "Lo, behold, a wondrous star in the East."

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IN A FUNNY VOICE: "Let us follow it,

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"my noble companions."

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Right. "Perchance we will encounter the son of God."

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STRANGE AMERICAN ACCENT: "Then we will worship him."

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Interesting, but I don't understand the voice.

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Well, I was just thinking, I'm playing a wise man.

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Now, who's wise? And I thought - of course, Stephen Hawking!

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The voice.

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Right, right.

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AS HAWKING: "Take this myrrh.

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"It's very nice."

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I can see you've really thought about this...more's the pity(!)

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Can I call you? It's very good.

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AS HAWKING: Thank you.

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-Right, who's next?

-It's Owen.

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-Can you send him in?

-Yes.

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Right...Owen.

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And...and you've come to audition for...?

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The king!

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Of course - there were three kings and you are one of them.

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That's right.

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Will you do an Elvis impression on the night?

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It would be mad to dress up as him and not do some rock'n'rolling.

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# Are you lonesome tonight?

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# Do you miss me tonight? #

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Can I just store that and come back to you?

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Certainly.

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Would it help if I slept with you?

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-Sorry?

-I've heard you can get on in acting by sleeping with the director.

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I would be only too happy to oblige.

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Um...no.

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-Who's next?

-It's Jim. He's come as one of the kings as well.

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Right. I hope it isn't Martin Luther King!

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Right.

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He'll come back later.

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-So, how can I help?

-We'd like to play Mary and Jesus,

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with me as Mary.

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Oh, God! Oh, good!

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Actually, Alice, I was banking on you for the pivotal role

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of woman who sleeps through the entire thing in another inn.

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Oh, that would be nice, but I want to play Mary.

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It's just that you don't actually fit the vital requirements, I'm afraid.

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Joseph was a carpenter

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and, I'm afraid, Hugo just isn't, is he?

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-Just finished them in evening class.

-Right, good.

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The crucial thing is they weren't English. Mary only spoke Hebrew.

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SHE SPEAKS FLUENT HEBREW

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Yep, just like that.

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-Please?

-Please?

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I'll think about it.

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-SHE SOBS: I want to play Mary.

-It's an excellent, perfect idea.

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-Hurrah! Ooh!

-See you on the set, Reverend Spielberg.

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Er...Hugo,

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will your father be willing to act?

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Absolutely. He was hoping you'd ask him to play God.

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Actually, no. I had another part in mind.

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THEY SPEAK IN HEBREW

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There we are, that's for you.

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Nice, Jim, but one of the kings wouldn't have been Billie Jean.

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Now, then, everyone,

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welcome to your first rehearsal.

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Now, then, let's just whip around the circle

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to check which parts we're playing.

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For instance, I am Geraldine. Hi.

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I'm your director. I'm also the announcing angel and the narrator.

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-I'm Alice. I'm playing Mary.

-I'm Hugo. I'm Joseph.

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I'm David. I'm...

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Herod.

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I am Jim.

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And I, er... No, no, no...

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No.

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Good, moving on.

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I'm Owen. I'm third shepherd, first king

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and it's my farm we're performing in for a very reasonable rent.

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-Owen!

-For free.

-Yes, thank you.

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Since this is an experimental play,

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I would like to use the rehearsal methods from Brook's productions.

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-Brooke Shields?

-No, Peter Brook from the Royal Shakespeare Company.

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I wouldn't mind being directed by Brooke Shields!

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"This way to the bedroom, Jim."

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Shut up, Jim!

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"Andre Agassi, get out of that bed, you lazy sod!

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"I've got Jim Trott here."

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Can we get on, vicar? I've got a meeting in April(!)

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I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I got carried away.

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It's been a very long life with very little sexual experimentation.

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In Brook's classic productions, there was a lot of improvisation

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to enable the actors to explore the background of their characters.

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Hugo, Alice, here we go. Let's clear the floor, make an open space.

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Don't worry, Alice, it's just pretending.

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Now, Alice, you're playing Mary. You're young, unmarried, a virgin and you find out you're pregnant.

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-That happened to my cousin.

-No, it didn't.

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She gave birth three times, but she never ever had sex with a man.

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Except me.

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And me.

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And me, if I'm honest.

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-Now then, Alice, unmarried and yet pregnant, all right?

-OK.

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That very day, who comes home? Joseph, your fiance, a humble carpenter.

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So, ooh, OK? And centre and go.

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-Knock, knock.

-Who is it?

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It's me, Joseph, your boyfriend, a humble carpenter.

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-Oh, come on in, Joe. Cup of tea?

-Yes, please.

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Busy day?

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Yes, I've been carpentering all day.

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Oh, good.

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And yourself? Interesting day?

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Er...well, yes, actually.

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-I spent the morning shopping. Got you a lovely supper.

-What is it?

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Loaves and fishes.

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A family recipe.

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-Great. And this afternoon?

-I came home and the angel of the Lord was waiting

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who made me with child who shall be Lord of all mankind.

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Oh, right.

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-Hummus?

-Please.

-You'd react a bit more than that, wouldn't you? It's quite big news.

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-OK, yes, sorry. Good point.

-Absolutely, so centre and go.

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A bit of a turn-up for the books, Joe. I'm pregnant

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and God the maker of all mankind is the father.

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Oh, oh.

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Actually, have you got any taramasalata...?

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No, no, no! You're completely useless. Sit down immediately!

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I'll be Joseph. I'll show you how to do it.

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Hello, Mary!

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-Hello, Joseph.

-Any news?

-Yeah, I'm pregnant.

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-Hang on a minute! You're telling me you're pregnant?

-Yes.

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Well, who's the father, you little scrubber!

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-God almighty, creator of all things.

-I've heard that story before(!)

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Who is it?!

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SHAKY VOICE: I don't know.

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I went to the loo and the angel of the Lord was sitting on the loo.

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Then he said, "You don't need the loo. You're pregnant."

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Oh, forgive me!

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Get away from me, you bastard!

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What?

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How could you doubt me? I'm going to Bethlehem on me own.

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And out of character. Well done!

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-Whisky?

-Yes, please, lots.

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I'm whacked. It's exhausting, all this directing.

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No wonder Stanley Kubrick died.

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Right.

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Right.

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Now, obviously, vicar, I'm very happy to play Herod,

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but I did just wonder if we weren't missing a trick with him -

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a chance to make him more rounded, to bring out his nicer side.

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-The nicer side of Herod?

-Yes.

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You mean like the playful side of Hitler?

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Exactly!

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I mean, there's Herod - a cultured, sophisticated man,

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into music, into ancient art,

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and then he massacres just one batch of babies

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and that's all people can remember.

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-It's not fair.

-So I have written a short singlet,

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nothing definitive, but perhaps putting his side of things

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a little more... Well, you know.

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Right.

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"Herod strokes his adoring dog, Cuddles, then turns to two soldiers.

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"'Take a batallion of men to Judea and kiss all the babies there.'

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"Soldier one: 'Did he say kiss all the babies?'

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"Soldier two, who is hard of hearing: 'No, he said kill all the babies.'

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"Soldier one: 'Oh, well, let's go and massacre them then.'"

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-It's an interpretation.

-No, it's not.

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Naughty!

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Come on, now, focus.

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You're in the fields, tending your sheep, before the angel appears.

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A bit of chatter. Make something up.

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Right. Right.

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Fellow shepherds, did anyone see Ground Force last night?

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No, no... Oh, yes, that Charlie Dimmock!

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She can propagate my seedlings any time.

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No, no.

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When she leans over it's like two pumpkins rolling in a growbag!

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And lo, an angel of the Lord appeared before them.

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Shall I prompt you for this bit?

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OK, but I am a vicar - I do actually know it.

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-Just in case.

-OK.

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Be not afraid, for I am an angel of the Lord

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and I bring you glad tidings of great joy.

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-For tonight...

-No, no, no! It's a dramatic pause, do you see?

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It looked like you'd forgotten it.

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For I am an angel of the Lord

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and I bring you glad tidings of great joy.

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-For tonight...

-No, the pause.

-But you paused a bit longer than you did in the first pause.

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-I thought you'd forgotten it.

-I'll start again. You don't say anything.

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We won't say anything. Not even our lines?

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Yes, your lines!

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-You've got to have a prompt.

-Right, Frank can prompt me, can't he?

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-Yes.

-Thank you.

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She's not very angelic, is she?

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And lo,

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an angel of the Lord appeared before them...

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-Be not afraid...

-No, be afraid!

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Be very afraid!

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Oh, yes.

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Oh, yes.

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Sorry to disturb you, vicar.

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No, that's absolutely fine.

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Oh!

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-Yum!

-Yeah!

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-The thing is, I'm a bit worried about this giving birth business.

-Oh.

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I watched a video of a birth last night and it looked really horrible.

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I don't want my baby bursting through my stomach.

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Was it called Alien by any chance?

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That's right.

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Right, right.

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Also, I've heard that mothers-to-be should avoid unnecessary strain.

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So maybe I shouldn't be acting in the play at all, cos it is pretty stressful.

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Oh, Alice, I'm sorry, but you've only got one line, haven't you?

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"But I am great with child." Six words.

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I'm worried I'm going to forget them and the worry might cause me damage.

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I see your point, but on the other hand,

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if you leave me high and dry, this fist will cause you damage

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in the face department - obviously, the choice is yours.

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-I think it will be OK.

-Yeah, I think so, I really do.

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Ah-ah-ah! sorry!

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Can you sod off now? I'd like to be alone with Sean Bean.

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Isn't he lovely!

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Ooh, you've nicked my cake!

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Right, everyone, thank you for an excellent day's rehearsal

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after a slightly shaky start.

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-What do you think?

-About that?

-What?

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Well, I just don't think it IS the greatest story ever told.

0:22:590:23:04

There's the one about people who were burgled who thought the robbers hadn't taken anything.

0:23:040:23:11

Then they developed their photos and found photos of the robbers with toothbrushes up their bottoms.

0:23:110:23:18

So you think I should write "the second greatest story ever told"?

0:23:180:23:23

Yes. A man got out of a car and his wife heard banging on the roof.

0:23:230:23:29

The police said, "Get out and don't look round." But she did look round

0:23:290:23:34

and it was a lunatic banging her husband's severed head on the roof.

0:23:340:23:39

Perhaps I should just write "one of the top ten stories ever told".

0:23:390:23:44

That's forgetting Jackie Collins' stories - The Bitch, The Stud.

0:23:440:23:49

And Beatrix Potter - she wrote lovely stories.

0:23:490:23:53

Newsroom South East's local stories.

0:23:530:23:56

Sorry, can we stop right there?

0:23:560:23:59

Can I remind you all a little bit of the story we're telling here?

0:23:590:24:05

2,000 years ago, a baby is born in a stable, the poorest of the poor.

0:24:050:24:11

Yet during his lifetime, he says things that are so astonishing,

0:24:110:24:16

that millions of people are still living their lives by them today.

0:24:160:24:21

He said, "Love thy neighbour." He told us to turn the other cheek, whatever people might do to us.

0:24:210:24:29

Does that include Simon bonking you like a beachball?

0:24:290:24:32

Yes, it does, Owen.

0:24:340:24:36

Sadly, it does.

0:24:360:24:39

But most astonishingly,

0:24:390:24:42

I believe that this tiny, little baby boy

0:24:420:24:45

actually was the son of God.

0:24:450:24:48

And when he was younger than I am today, he was brutally crucified

0:24:480:24:54

for simply telling people to love each other.

0:24:540:24:57

The men who did it thought, "He's dead and gone." Yet here we are,

0:24:570:25:03

2,000 years later,

0:25:030:25:06

in a village in the middle of England

0:25:060:25:10

doing a play about his birth.

0:25:100:25:14

Now, I think that's a pretty great story.

0:25:140:25:18

ALL: Yes.

0:25:180:25:20

Yes, all right, it's a good poster. Leave it as it is.

0:25:200:25:25

Thank you, although the toothbrush one is gripping. We can do it next year.

0:25:250:25:31

Frank can play the toothbrush.

0:25:310:25:33

Yes, please.

0:25:330:25:36

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

0:25:440:25:47

Ooh.

0:25:480:25:50

DOG BARKS

0:25:500:25:54

Right, it's time to get going.

0:25:560:25:59

Break a leg and if you feel like improvising, just go for it.

0:25:590:26:05

Ooh!

0:26:050:26:07

Oh, I think it's started.

0:26:070:26:09

Exactly like that. She's very good at it. Well done, Alice.

0:26:090:26:14

All right, everyone, give 'em hell!

0:26:140:26:16

Actually, no, give them a quite heavenly evening, please.

0:26:160:26:21

And Jim, I'm sorry, I think this beard is far too long.

0:26:210:26:26

Oh, no, no...

0:26:260:26:28

Yes, you could be right.

0:26:280:26:31

Hello, everybody.

0:26:310:26:34

Hi. Welcome to the farmyard Nativity.

0:26:340:26:38

I hope you all enjoy watching it as much as we enjoyed rehearsing it.

0:26:380:26:44

We haven't charged anybody anything to come in, so at the end there will be two angels at the gate.

0:26:440:26:52

All donations will be welcome.

0:26:520:26:56

Here we go...

0:26:560:26:58

I'd just like to say I'll be here slaughtering Daisy tomorrow.

0:26:580:27:02

So order your Christmas beef after the show.

0:27:020:27:06

Right, thank you very much, Owen.

0:27:060:27:10

And it came to pass that there was a decree from Caesar Augustus

0:27:100:27:16

that all the world should be taxed.

0:27:160:27:19

And Joseph went to Bethlehem with Mary, his espoused wife,

0:27:190:27:24

who was great with child and riding upon a donkey.

0:27:240:27:29

But the donkey did run away

0:27:340:27:37

during rehearsals this afternoon, so in the end

0:27:370:27:41

she actually turned up on a small motorised lawnmower.

0:27:410:27:45

And so Mary and Joseph came unto an inn in Bethlehem

0:27:480:27:54

and knocked upon the door.

0:27:540:27:58

Innkeeper, have you a room where we may rest?

0:27:580:28:03

No, no, no.

0:28:030:28:05

No, no, no. No room in the inn.

0:28:050:28:09

We're fully booked because of the millennium.

0:28:090:28:14

(But I am great with child.)

0:28:160:28:19

Also I am great with child, so it's particularly awkward.

0:28:190:28:24

(You, you.)

0:28:240:28:26

Oh, sorry!

0:28:260:28:28

But also I am great with child.

0:28:290:28:33

Oh, I forgot it!

0:28:330:28:36

(In that case, I have a stable you can use.)

0:28:360:28:40

In that case, the vicar has a stable you can use.

0:28:400:28:45

So Mary and Joseph went into the stable the innkeeper kindly offered,

0:28:450:28:51

there to make preparations for the birth of the Holy child.

0:28:510:28:57

Oh, I can feel it coming!

0:29:020:29:04

-That's good.

-No, I really can.

0:29:040:29:07

Oh!

0:29:070:29:09

-She was good, wasn't she?

-Very convincing.

-I was good, wasn't I?

0:29:100:29:15

-No.

-No.

0:29:150:29:18

And at that time in Jerusalem

0:29:190:29:22

Herod had heard of the impending birth of the king of the Jews

0:29:220:29:28

and he was sore troubled, for Herod was a cruel and jealous king.

0:29:280:29:34

Soldiers go forth unto Bethlehem and kill all the infants there,

0:29:340:29:39

for I shall have no other king but me.

0:29:390:29:43

-And so...

-But...

0:29:430:29:46

kill them gently...

0:29:460:29:49

for I am not as cruel and jealous as some would have me be.

0:29:490:29:55

-And so...

-In fact...

0:29:550:29:58

I really love children, indeed I see some in my court

0:29:580:30:03

and would give them many gifts of sweets and chocolates - for you.

0:30:030:30:09

-Thank you, Herod.

-And for you.

-Thank you, Herod.

0:30:090:30:13

-And for you.

-I love you, Herod.

0:30:130:30:17

And meanwhile in the fields, some shepherds were tending their flock.

0:30:180:30:24

SHEEP BAA

0:30:240:30:27

Improvise.

0:30:270:30:30

See that ewe over there? She's pretty.

0:30:310:30:34

No, no, no. Yes, I wouldn't mind giving her one.

0:30:340:30:38

And lo, an angel of the Lord appeared before them

0:30:380:30:43

and they were sore afraid.

0:30:430:30:45

Be not afraid, for I am an angel of the Lord

0:30:500:30:57

and I bring you tidings of great joy.

0:30:570:31:01

For tonight...

0:31:040:31:05

I know, you pillock!

0:31:050:31:08

Sorry, sorry.

0:31:080:31:11

Great joy.

0:31:120:31:16

Wow, you're good!

0:31:180:31:21

-Oh!

-I mean, this is a Judi Dench-type quality performance.

0:31:210:31:26

And so it was that the three wise men who looked like the shepherds,

0:31:260:31:32

but who were completely different people, approached the stable

0:31:320:31:36

riding camels, or doing very good camel-riding impressions.

0:31:360:31:41

And as they came unto the manger,

0:31:430:31:46

they saw Mary who was great with child and looking rather hot.

0:31:460:31:52

Aagh!

0:31:520:31:55

And in the company of only some cattle

0:31:550:31:58

and her husband, Joseph.

0:31:580:32:01

Oh, my God!

0:32:010:32:03

Oh!

0:32:080:32:09

Jesus, she's having a baby!

0:32:090:32:12

The line is, "Look, she's having a baby Jesus."

0:32:120:32:17

No, she really IS having a baby. Have a look!

0:32:170:32:21

Oh! Ugh!

0:32:220:32:25

Vicar!

0:32:270:32:29

Excuse me one second. Thank you.

0:32:290:32:32

What are you doing?! We've got them in the palm of our hands.

0:32:320:32:38

Aagh! Oh, my God!

0:32:380:32:40

Oh, my God! We must have some towels.

0:32:400:32:44

-Owen, run and get some towels.

-I haven't got any.

-No towels?

0:32:440:32:48

-Why would I?

-To dry yourself after a bath.

-I don't have a bath.

0:32:480:32:53

-Would anyone here have some towels?

-You could use these?

0:32:530:32:59

My entire costume is made of towels.

0:32:590:33:03

No, no, no!

0:33:050:33:07

Excuse us. Is there a doctor in the house?

0:33:070:33:10

-I'm a vet.

-Could you come and help?

0:33:100:33:13

Over my dead body.

0:33:130:33:16

I'm not having my grandchild brought into the world by James Heriot.

0:33:160:33:20

It's common sense, surely!

0:33:200:33:23

Oh, dear!

0:33:230:33:24

Are you sure it's a good idea having Herod take care of Jesus?

0:33:240:33:30

He's not Herod now. He's Mr Horton.

0:33:300:33:34

Oh, yes!

0:33:340:33:36

Come on, push, push! >

0:33:360:33:39

-Come on, Geraldine, give us a hand.

-All right.

0:33:390:33:43

Breathe.

0:33:430:33:46

It hurts!

0:33:460:33:48

Next time you get a contraction, hang on to my hand, grip it as tight as you like.

0:33:480:33:55

It's coming!

0:33:550:33:56

-OK.

-Here it comes!

0:33:560:33:59

-OK.

-Here it comes!

0:33:590:34:01

-Aagh!

-Yeaow!

0:34:010:34:03

Ya bitch! Ah-ah-ah-ah!

0:34:030:34:06

Oh, oh, oh!

0:34:060:34:09

Thank you.

0:34:090:34:11

Oh, my God, here comes another one!

0:34:110:34:13

Please!

0:34:130:34:15

Can't we do something? We are the three wise men.

0:34:230:34:27

No, no, no, we are the kings. Oh, right!

0:34:270:34:31

Most kings are brain-dead, inbred cretins.

0:34:310:34:35

Deep breathing. Deeper, deeper.

0:34:370:34:39

ALICE: Oh!

0:34:390:34:41

-Oh!

-Here's Hugo.

0:34:410:34:44

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God!

0:34:440:34:46

Just one more push. Oh, my God, I can see the head!

0:34:460:34:51

God, I hope that is a head!

0:34:510:34:54

It's very realistic.

0:34:550:34:57

It's coming. It's coming.

0:34:570:35:00

ALICE MOANS

0:35:000:35:04

Aagh!

0:35:040:35:05

BABY CRIES

0:35:050:35:07

AUDIENCE APPLAUDS

0:35:070:35:10

And there, in a stable,

0:35:180:35:21

2,000 years ago,

0:35:210:35:24

God himself took part in the miracle of birth

0:35:240:35:28

and Mary held in her arms

0:35:280:35:31

a very special and very realistic child.

0:35:310:35:35

Brillo pads!

0:35:370:35:40

Most excellent.

0:35:400:35:42

One, two... One, two, three...

0:35:420:35:45

four.

0:35:450:35:48

LOUDLY: # Silent night

0:35:480:35:52

# Holy night... # Ssh!

0:35:520:35:56

QUIETLY: # All is calm

0:35:560:36:01

# All is bright

0:36:010:36:06

# Round yon virgin mother and child...

0:36:060:36:13

SHEEP BAAS

0:36:130:36:16

# Holy infant so tender and mild

0:36:160:36:24

# Sleep in heavenly peace

0:36:240:36:34

# Sleep in heavenly peace. #

0:36:340:36:43

-SOFTLY:

-Merry Christmas to you all.

0:36:440:36:48

She really is the most beautiful baby.

0:36:500:36:55

-Thank you. Could I just check something with you, vicar?

-Mmm.

0:36:550:37:00

Have I actually given birth to the son of God?

0:37:000:37:04

Because I find it a bit of a responsibility.

0:37:040:37:08

-No, Alice, you haven't.

-Oh, phew!

0:37:080:37:12

Apart from anything, she's a girl, isn't she?

0:37:120:37:16

So she is. Good clue.

0:37:160:37:20

-Have you thought of any names?

-Yeah. Go on, Alice.

0:37:200:37:25

Well, we've thought about it long and hard

0:37:250:37:29

and we'd like to name her after you.

0:37:290:37:32

Oh, guys!

0:37:320:37:35

Oh, I don't know what to say!

0:37:350:37:37

So I'm calling her "Vicar".

0:37:370:37:40

Or Geraldine.

0:37:430:37:46

Oh, Geraldine!

0:37:460:37:49

Oh, even better!

0:37:490:37:51

Splendid-o!

0:37:510:37:53

Yes...Geraldine.

0:37:530:37:56

Good choice.

0:37:560:37:57

Excellent choice.

0:37:570:38:00

Subtitles by Jayne MacKinnon BBC - 1999

0:38:190:38:23

-A little Christmas gagette for you.

-Great.

0:38:300:38:34

-Santa Claus goes to the doctor.

-Oh, dear!

0:38:340:38:38

He says, "Doctor, I think I've got a mince pie stuck up my bottom."

0:38:380:38:43

I wonder how that got there!

0:38:430:38:46

So the doctor says, "OK, Mr Claus, bend over, please.

0:38:460:38:51

"Oh, yes, you do have a mince pie stuck up your bottom,

0:38:510:38:56

"but you're in luck - I've got some cream for that."

0:38:560:39:00

You see? Cream for the mince pie.

0:39:030:39:05

-You mean he's going to take it out and eat it?

-No...

-It's not hygienic.

0:39:050:39:10

No, he isn't because it's a joke.

0:39:100:39:14

Doctors - what are they going to do next? Take out your appendix and have it with bacon and egg?

0:39:140:39:21

-Just leaving planet Earth.

-Take out your tonsils...

0:39:210:39:25

# Jesus Christ was born on Christmas day... #

0:39:250:39:28

To save us all from Satan's power. That's you.

0:39:280:39:32

I'm not eating it, no way. Not if it's been up Santa's arse.

0:39:340:39:39

I'm sticking to brandy snaps.

0:39:410:39:43

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