Episode 3 Tracey Ullman's Show

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

I'm Clare Balding.

This is really, really nice.

# When I was small, I used to dance in my mother's bedroom

# Then I grew up and did it again

# And basically I'm still doing the same show I did in my mother's bedroom

# And I'll do it till the bitter end

# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show

# Tracey Ullman's Show, let's do the show, let's go

# Tracey Ullman's Show!

# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman

# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey

# Tracey Ullman's Show. #

Let's go!

KEYPAD BEEPING

Ohh!

-Excuse me, Leah.

-Do I know you?

-Yes, you see me every day.

Jasmine, I work in accounts.

I've been on holiday in Magaluf, and they've changed the code again.

Magaluf is but a short flight from Damascus.

No code, no entry.

Oh, Leah...

Helmet off. Need a name, mate.

Serge, Leah. I was here yesterday.

I don't know that name, mate. I got a clearance on a Sergio.

I'm Sergio. Serge for short.

-Anybody could say that, mate.

-Don't make me go and get accredited again.

I really need to use the loo.

Please. I'm desperate.

Leah, can you let Serge in, please?

-He's got this week's stock sheets.

-That's not the right name, Gary.

-Oh, God, this is...

-About everybody's safety, Gary.

Including yours.

Yeah. We went down Manhattan's, but it was wall-to-wall mingers.

White Americano, please, love. And move your chubby arse.

-Name on cup?

-Tom.

HE CHUCKLES

Ahh!

Oh, this is just beautiful. Ooh, very, very fragile.

They take over a week to make.

Goodness, goodness.

Oh, this vase is just exquisite.

But if I put my hand around the neck,

I could just snap it off with one single swift downward motion.

Excuse me. It's you, isn't it?

You're Dame Judi Dench.

We don't get many national treasures coming in this shop.

No, I wouldn't call myself that, I'm just a normal Dame of the Realm.

We did have another celebrity in here a couple of weeks ago, though.

-Guess who?

-Oh, Simon Rattle.

Jonathan Miller. Ken Branagh.

Is it Ken Russell? Melvyn Bragg.

Bonnie Greer. Ewan McGregor, Darcy Bussell...

James May.

From Top Gear.

Can I get a picture with you?

-Of course.

-Great.

My camera's up in the staffroom,

I'll have to leave you alone in the shop for about 60 seconds.

I'll be back in a minute.

All you have to do is stand here for one minute, Dame Judi.

Nope. Control yourself.

Breathe.

SMASHING GLASS

-What?!

-It was a whirlwind!

The door flew open!

I thought I was going to get carried away like Dorothy!

My hair, my hair!

It was blown everywhere!

I mean, how could a wind even get in here?

This isn't the time to ask questions, my dear.

You're in shock. Let me take that photo.

Look. One is left still standing.

It's like a miracle.

SMASH!

Oh, dear.

I'm so sorry.

You must let me pay for that.

Get the old chip and pin machine out.

You know, you can't be too careful about security these days.

Would you mind covering your eyes while I put in the numbers?

Excuse me, aren't you...?

I'm Helen Mirren, yes.

Leah! Can you please let us in?!

Tony's still stuck in reception.

Shouldn't we wait for him? Cos he is the first-aider on this floor.

He gave up that right when he left his lanyard at the launderette.

Right, brace yourselves.

Escape. Conceal.

Fight back. I will do the latter, because that's what I'm trained to do.

If an armed perpetrator gained access here, it would be...

-"Open season".

-Well, that's not going to happen, is it?

I mean, we sell sanitary products.

OK, the shooter enters here.

First attack, whoever sits by the door.

-I sit by the door.

-Bad luck. Boof, boof!

So, if you haven't escaped, concealed or shat yourself by now,

you might want to fight back.

Chairs. Printer.

The stapler defence.

Oh, yes, this is a documented strategy.

Ten of these babies aimed at the reproductive area is no joke.

Someone stole my stapler.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very funny, Gary, yeah.

Everyone likes a laugh, relieves the tension,

but if anybody knows who has Gary's stapler, they can hand it in to me, OK?

No judgment. Gary's family will thank you for it.

Here's what can happen if you don't have one.

RAPID GUNFIRE

Today, I shall do hilarious and also side-splitting

prank phone calls on some celebrity friends.

So, let's see who is for it today.

Dead. Dead.

Yewtree.

Dead.

Oh, here's one.

Right... 1-2-9-4...

IN DEEPER VOICE: Hello, is that Alan Bennett?

Yes, I know you don't like being called during The X Factor.

But this is important.

I'm from the National Theatre,

we've been doing an audit of all the plays you've written for us,

and it seems lots of them are all about you,

which is a touchy lazy and frankly big-headed.

So we'd like all the money back.

No, don't cry.

No, I'm sure you'll find another way to pay for bicycle inner tubes and

library fines and...

Oh, dear. I may be too good at this.

It's all right.

Alan, it's Dame Maggie.

So, don't... What do you mean, you knew?

Well, I disguised my voice.

Yes, with my Oscar class acting skills.

No, no.

You did not punk me, Alan.

Whatever that means.

I most certainly punked you.

So you can stick your hobnobs where the sun shall ne'er cast its rays.

Yes, I would be happy to meet you at Fortnum's on Sunday for tea.

Oh!

Well, that's something I shan't revisit,

like regional theatre or a chemical toilet.

Right, just relax, and imagine you are watching fish...

Living ones, not dead ones,

lying on a beach with flies laying little eggs in their eyes.

I never want to see you again. Get the hell out.

I'm talking to the toxins in your body.

That is what I think of that, you poxy piece of shit.

Again, I'm talking to the toxins.

I'm giving you a good pummelling,

like I am hitting an annoying guy who works in an exhaust centre,

who I saw flirting with a girl called Claire.

Just playing some music.

It might impress you, it doesn't impress me.

Oh, my God.

Your back muscles really are rather knotty.

Oh...

Yes. Yes, I think I've found your pressure points!

You may just feel some cleansing drops of salted water

falling on your back.

Now...

You are going to feel a Hawaiian massage...

which is rather more specialised.

Now I'm just going to leave you to relax for a mo.

And if you hear any sounds, it is both normal and in your imagination.

Oh, that's it!

There. That is perfect for a human rights conference in Inverness.

Nothing too sex machine.

We don't want Angelina Jolie to feel like the frumpster again.

Ja. Oh, it is freezing.

What about my human rights to feel warm in August?

Scotland should have a referendum about that.

PHONE RINGS

Ja?

Oh. OK.

Hold on one moment, I'll just check my diary.

-What is it?

-Nicola Sturgeon.

-Oh! What does she want?

To know what shade of beige I am wearing so she can copy it?

And the poufy hair and the boxy jackets.

It is so obvious that she's trying to flatter me into being her friend.

But it is creepy.

Who wants a friend who is ein doppelganger?

I have enough trouble with Hillary Clinton.

She says her make-up artist is stuck in a snowdrift.

She wants me to do her.

It's hard to say no, she is on the phone.

And Scotland has been through the mincer more times than a Burns night

haggis during the last six months.

Did she just say that to you?

Ja, ja, she just said that to me.

I don't know, I don't trust her.

She's after something.

Go, go, go, go.

Tell her nothing and then come back and tell me everything.

Ja, I think that will be fine.

Oh, it is a little early for schnapps.

Just...

KNOCK ON DOOR

Birgit, so good of you to come.

Deep-fried Highland fudge?

Um, no, thank you.

So, what can I do for you?

Which jacket do you think is the most boxy?

Um... That one.

And could you make my hair a wee bit more poufy?

Yeah, of course.

And maybe a little beige on the cheeks.

Or any shade, you know.

What shade is Angela wearing just now?

Oh, you like Angela's style, ja?

Oh, aye, it's served her very well.

It has made her the most powerful woman in Europe.

But you and I both know, Birgit, that nothing lasts for ever.

And soon the world will need someone else to fill those sexy court shoes.

You? What do you think of these?

Frau Sturgeon!

You are the Chancellor behind the Chancellor, Birgit.

I need you to achieve my dream.

But I could never leave Angela.

Merkel is finished.

She is yesterday's woman.

You saw what I did to Alex Salmond.

I want you to work for me, Birgit.

I'll look after you.

You live in only the nicest parts of Glasgow

and drink the finest Irn-Bru.

I really should be going.

Why settle for a German Europe when you could have a Scottish world?

I've got a job interview. Wish me luck.

I'm sure you'll be fine.

I've always wanted to work in a play centre.

I know.

Shoes are a bit much.

You made me two hours late for my annual review this morning, Leah.

You know, you've been very tense with your co-workers lately, Jasmine.

I recommend a full psychological evaluation, cos this is how it starts, mate.

How what starts?

Right, everyone down on the floor!

Now! Get down!

EVERYONE SCREAMS

WHISPERING: We're in a code black. Everyone, focus.

Now, the three of you, there is a clear path to the storeroom. When you get there, Rachel,

climb out of the lavatory window and you are going to raise the alarm.

-But that window is tiny.

-I've got your biometric measurements.

Trust me, you fit. OK...

Move!

And may your God go with you.

SHE SCREAMS

Do you know what I'm having for my lunch?

A smoothie. I made it in my smoothie maker.

Yeah. It's got kale in it.

It's got apple in it. It's got flaxseed in it.

You can put anything in it. Mmmm...

You can put spinach in it.

You can put banana in it.

You could put cashews in it.

You could put grapes in it.

Yeah. You can put chard in it.

Oh, hi. Yeah, it was just a query about the estimates that you'd sent through.

I just wondered, do they...?

LOUD WHIRRING

I'm just making one for you. It's got spinach in it.

It's got fig in it. It's got pear in it.

You can put anything in it.

Great. Thanks.

I'll... I'll drink it later.

I'm so sorry about that.

No, it was nothing important.

So, back to the estimates.

Do you think that included input...?

LOUD WHIRRING

I'm just making your pudding.

Well? What did she say?

Not much.

Did she talk about me?

-Not really.

-Did she want the beige cheeks and the poufy hair?

She has a very strong accent, I didn't really understand.

I should probably try and be nicer to her, after all,

Scotland did want to stay with us. Maybe we could be friends.

Ja.

-Was ist das?

-She gave me a Loch Ness Monster fridge magnet.

Actually, it's three magnets that fit together to make one monster.

It's very clever.

Do you want it for your collection?

No.

What else did she give you?

I think she might have offered me a job.

What?!

I knew it. I'm going give that woman a Glasgow kiss.

Angela! Please!

If she wants independence, I'll make her head independent from her body.

Angela, I don't want everybody fighting over me.

KNOCKING

Open up!

Nein, this is not room service!

Why are you wearing my jacket?!

Hello? Anybody home?

Oh! Hey, Buddy.

Hello!

# The weekend's here, my work is done

# Some family time, some family fun

# But I might as well be on my own

# Cos the lights are on but nobody's home

# My son speaks a language I don't understand

# He's king of a country in some made up land

# Assassin's Creed and Destiny

# Resident Evil is living with me

# He's living in a virtual reality

# But what happens if he turns the computer on me?

# He thinks it's fantastic

# This world made of plastic

# But in my wallet and in my soul

# All that's left is one big hole!

# He's got it all, and then some

# But no room left for his poor mum

# I remember when it was David and me

# Nowadays, it's turned into David and i!

# iPhone, iPad, iWatch, iPaid

# Hoping, maybe, I'd get iLaid!

# Now he likes things hands free

# And so he never touches me

# And Siri seems to be the only one who'll ever talk to me... #

I'm sorry, I don't understand that command.

Aaargh!

# He thinks it's fantastic

# This world made of plastic

# And what about my daughter?

# She's a millionairess

# Four times logger, blogger, Twitter trending success

# OMG! What about me?

# She's just called security

# She thinks it's fantastic

# This world made of plastic

# She's a teenage YouTube queen

# Set to retire at 17

# Is it me? Am I the freak?

# I miss the time when we'd just speak

# Finally, we're a family! #

Mum!

Mum!

-Oi!

-DOG BARKS AND WHINES

Bernice, what greetings do you want on your West End theatre Christmas cards? Kenneth Branagh?

Love.

-Elaine Paige?

-Love.

-Andrew Lloyd Webber?

-No love.

Sherry, Sherry, Sherry.

Here's my tea meeting, go away, you.

Don't you want me to stay and write down what's said?

No, Sherry, all respect, moronic.

Anna! Over here, darling.

Hi, you must be Bernice Ruben.

I saw you in your play, you were gorgeous up there on that stage.

Completely unrecognisable.

I love your coat.

-What is it?

-Beast.

-Beast?

-I don't know.

I wasn't there when they shot it.

OK, so tell me about you.

How come I've never heard of you?

I wasn't aware of being reclusive.

Funny. Funny is money.

So, you don't know me, because you don't travel in bigger circles,

but I'm an American theatre producer,

and I take London shows to New York,

and I want to move your show to Broadway.

That's wonderful.

I love a musical.

Oh, no, it's not a musical.

I wish you were in it more.

Well, it's A Midsummer Night's Dream,

so there are only so many scenes that Titania can be in.

Oh, it's Shakespeare.

Public domain.

We'll get one of my New York gay boy writers to re-arrange it a little.

And I'd like to bring in someone new for the score.

Who did your version?

Felix Mendelssohn.

-The composer.

-We can do better.

-Really?

-We should amp up the cast.

In London, I brought over David Schwimmer as Oedipus Rex.

Oh! He had such a range.

He played neurotic, dejected and then a little more neurotic, dejected.

I brought over the cook from Happy Days in Death Of A Salesman.

His name is Al Molinaro, but nobody knows that, so I put on the poster,

"The cook from Happy Days in Death Of A Salesman." Oi!

Prince Philip was at the standby window, hoping for a ticket.

Sorry, Bernice, could I just...?

You have seen my production of Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream using

Mendelssohn's original music.

You now want to change the script, throw out the score,

and replace the cast with inappropriate actors.

Is there anything you'd like to keep?

Well, you. You're very talented right now.

-The title?

-Midsummer, all caps, exclamation point.

OK, Bernice, I'm so sorry,

I have dreamed all my life of playing Broadway,

but I cannot disregard my ideas about taste and quality.

We of the British theatre are a different breed of cat.

Gross or net?

Net.

I knew it! I knew it! You're a doll.

All right, perimeter secure!

ALARM BLARES

Amazing, Leah. That disgruntled employee guy didn't know what hit him.

Did anybody see which direction he went in when he jumped out of the window?

No, we didn't see which direction he went in,

but he did leave this card which says, "Happy birthday, Leah."

Surprise, Leah. We wanted to get you something you'd really like.

Jasmine suggested a stripper, but we thought this would be much better.

Was that OK? It's normally wall-to-wall hen parties,

so this was quite a challenge.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great, yeah. Thanks.

And it is all on the canteen security cameras,

and I've asked them to make you a copy.

Does anyone have a staple remover?

Hello. Are you cold? Would you like a cup of tea?

No, I'd like a shag.

Shag, late old English, meaning rough matted hair.

It's related to the Norwegian, Skeg.

I once skegged Warren Beatty, you know.

Famed Hollywood lothario.

These days, I couldn't get a fumble in a funfair.

Dr Germaine Greer.

Old woman. They've written me off, consigned me to intellectual purgatory,

just because I got old and because I kept shouting

that lopping off your dick didn't make you a woman.

And now they've taken away my freedom pass.

UNINTELLIGIBLE MUMBLING

That's right, Jenny. He wouldn't have looked at me like that 20 years ago.

What is it, the grey pubic hair?

Or the fact that my nipples are on my hips?

I'm still in here, you know, in my halterneck and my cunsters.

That's Australian for short denim shorts.

Yes, I was the cause of much mental masturbation in my day,

and now I'm invisible.

Silenced.

No-one can hear my voice, you probably barely know I'm here.

I'll get the tube.

Thank you so much for asking me to do a reading.

I love John Betjeman.

I can't believe...

She's gone. I know.

I can't find the words either.

Well, I'll go and talk to the vicar.

# Here's the story of a late life romance

# 'Twixt a beauty and a very cutesy guy

# But his kids were kind of tricky

# Cos they wanted all his cash when he died

# The Murdoch Bunch

# The Murdoch Bunch, that's the way we all became the Murdoch Bunch.#

Coffee and cookies.

-I'm bored.

-So am I.

Oh, liven up, you miserable bunch of lugs.

Why don't we all play a board game?

Quality family time, y'all.

After all, the media conglomerate dynasty that plays together,

stays together.

How about a game of Murdoch-opoly?

I'm in. Bagsy I get to be the top hat.

Now, James, you're the motor car.

Lachlan, you're the battleship.

Georgie, you can be the little doggy.

Elizabeth, you can be the wheelbarrow.

And Prudence, you're the old boot.

And I am the silver pussy.

You can say that again.

-Pussy.

-Again.

-Pussy.

-Meow!

-I'm the banker.

-Not on your Nelly.

Booyah! I own that.

I own that. And I own that.

Right. I win.

-Game over.

-Now, Rupie,

I say we're going to play with good old Texas values of decency,

respect and manners.

-I'm out.

-Me too.

-Yeah, me too.

Kids, do what your latest mother says!

OK, I'll go first.

Fleet Street, let's scrub that out for a start.

Oh, you have been elected chairman of the board.

No way! That's totally unfair, dad!

You promised that to me, dad!

Lachlan is chairman of the board.

-What?!

-I'm not Lachlan, I'm James.

Well, how am I supposed to know?

Remind me, which one of you two boys fucked up News International?

BOTH: He did.

I'm in jail.

No way. You are not going to jail.

-Neither am I.

-Nor me.

We'll get Andy Colson to go for you.

Yay, I've inherited £100.

-Dad!

-Dad!

I've had enough of this!

Come on, Jerry. Twerp for me.

It's called twerking, Rupie.

Whatever it is, just do it.

It makes my willy go all fizzy.

That's the ticket.

Boys, show your new mother some respect.

Put some cash in her bra.

Oh, that's it.

Family bonding time, y'all.

-Good day, Leah?

-Yeah.

Showed them the "escape, conceal, fight back" video.

Foiled an attack. Got a selfie with the perpetrator.

Well, I say perpetrator...

It was only a drill. It was kind of a drill, you know.

-I didn't know you had arranged a drill.

-Well, I hadn't.

It was a prank/drill.

-A prank?

-Don't they have any idea?

I would rather they didn't have any idea, you know.

It's what I do, isn't it? Take the flak, cos they can't.

Oh! Almost forgot.

Ta-dah!

Eh?

Happy birthday, mate.

Oh, mate! Yeah.

-What did you wish for?

-Same as always. A safer world.

Want to play escape, conceal, fight back?

You're on.

Three, two, one...

SHE YELLS