Episode 2 Tracey Ullman's Show


Episode 2

Tracey Ullman brings her unique take on some extraordinary characters in the UK. Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, is shopping for cut-price animal-print leggings.


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Transcript


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Later on BBC One, another format we've copied from somewhere else

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and remade in a slightly more worthy way...

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Your chance to watch other people

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reading books.

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This programme contains some strong language.

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Pamela and Peter

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are both reading Sense and Sensibility.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Oop.

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And the Coopers have decided to read

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50 Shades Of Grey together as a family.

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I say, have you got to page 45?

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-Oh, yes.

-SHE LAUGHS

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-Takes me back.

-THEY LAUGH

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God, you're so embarrassing.

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# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom

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# Then I grew up and did it again

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# And basically I'm still doing the same show I did in my mother's bedroom

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# And I'll do it to the bitter end

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# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show

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# Tracey Ullman Show Let's do the show, let's go

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# Tracey Ullman Show

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# Tracey Ullman Tracey Ullman

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# Tracey Tracey Tracey Tracey

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# Tracey Ullman Show. #

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Let's go.

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-How can I help?

-Medium white Americano, please.

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-Extra shot?

-No, thank you.

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-Syrup?

-No, I'm good, thanks.

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-Soya milk?

-No. I'm actually in a bit of a hurry.

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Lady breast milk she left in shop?

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No, just a white Americano.

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-Mini ring doughnut?

-No.

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-Cinnamon shortbread?

-No.

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Giant Malteser?

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Looks like a giant Malteser but inside it's really a cake,

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but it does have some Malteser in it?

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-No.

-Sting CD?

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-No.

-Times newspaper?

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-No.

-Elvis Costello CD?

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-No.

-Fresh fish?

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What? No!

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Boiler repair two-year warranty?

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-Of course not.

-Prize-winning novel about a sad lady?

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I just want my coffee. Can I have it now, please?

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Certainly. One white Americano,

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no prize-winning novel about a sad lady,

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no boiler repair, no fresh fish, no Elvis Costello CD,

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no Times newspaper, no Sting CD,

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no giant Malteser that isn't really a Malteser,

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no cinnamon shortbread, no mini ring doughnut, no breast milk,

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no soya milk, no syrup, no extra shot.

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Oh, she's gone.

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Rude lady.

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Charles, it's Camilla.

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Yah, I won't be long, sexy bum.

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I've got to get a frock to wear to the big banquet.

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You know, the old bloody whats-his-name,

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Johnny foreigner chappie,

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the one your dad offended.

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No, the other one.

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No, the other one.

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Oh, buggeration!

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The mare's just had a refusal at the water jump.

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Gee up, girl! What's the matter with you?

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ALARM BLARES

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Stop whinnying, you bally thing!

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Look, I've got to go.

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Ohh!

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-You need any help?

-No, no, no.

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I think it's best just to put it out of its misery.

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GUNSHOT

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-There. That should do it.

-ALARM SLOWS AND STOPS

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Which way is Knightsbridge? I think I'll walk.

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Well, it's about 30 miles that way, I think.

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Oh, for fuck...

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Oh, they'll sell frocks.

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Bloody brilliant.

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Oh, bloody hell!

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Hi, can I help you?

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I'd say. Padded bally jackets for £9.99.

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-I'll take one of those.

-What size are you?

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I'm about 16 hands.

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I'm rather wide in the withers.

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Right. Um... So, one of these?

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I'll take the whole rack.

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And, oh, a box of those animal-print jodhpurs.

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-Oh, these?

-Yeah.

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These are actually leggings.

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You say organic potato, I say organic potata.

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-And is there anything else I can help you with?

-I need a ball gown.

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Something quite long.

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I don't want to show the whole flower show.

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Um... We don't really have ballgowns.

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Oh! Sold out? I knew I'd left it too late.

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Oh! What about one of those sodding sashes that always get stuck between

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your boobs? I hate these.

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Whenever you go to take a wazz, the dangly bit always dips in the lavvy.

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Oh, well, I shall just these with my wellies.

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I mean, what does "Formal" really mean, anyway?

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How many mother-in-laws is that?

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Oh, that'll be £84, please.

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So that's four big mother-in-laws...

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-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-and one little mother-in-law.

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Thank you.

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Actually, do you have any sexy underwear?

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Yeah. We do, yeah.

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Hmm, I'm looking for something in tweed.

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Right,...

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-Susie...

-Is it true?

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-Is what true?

-Don't bullshit me, Jeff.

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All right, it's true.

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For God's sake, I've had the ten o'clock slot

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since Tony Blair got in.

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It's not a demotion.

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We just think you'd be more suited to a lower-profile daytime slot.

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But Nicole isn't even a news person.

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She's good at her job.

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Yeah, and she's 20 years younger than me.

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-It's not about age.

-Then what is it about?

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Well...

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You keep bringing your cats in.

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-My cats?

-Yes.

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It was all right when it was just Trixie,

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but there are eight or nine of them now.

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Well, Huw Edwards brings his dog in.

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One dog. And he keeps it in his dressing room.

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It doesn't stop me doing my job.

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Let me show you something.

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This is you from last night.

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ON SCREEN: Police are still searching for two men

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believed to be responsible for Thursday's daring

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Bond Street jewellery robbery.

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SHE MAKES KISSING SOUNDS

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Forest fires continued to rage in California, the National Guard...

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You're a very handsome boy.

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Yes, you are. Oooh. There's a handsome boy.

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Say hello to the viewers. Off you go, now.

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Riots on the streets of Athens.

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Scores of protesters are injured...

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BABY TALK: Yes, they are!

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Yes, they are.

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You see the problem?

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Yes.

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But when was the last time you saw a mouse around here?

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Fair point.

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Listen to that rain, Mother.

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It's been bucketing down all morning.

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What's this one called?

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Was it Storm Jo, Storm Jeffrey?

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Storm Julian?

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People nowadays don't know what a storm is.

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That's just a wet wind.

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Oh, Mother, look...

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the house is flooding.

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Oh, we've got to get out of here.

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Hop on, Mother, I'll give you a piggyback to the door.

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-Come on.

-It's just a bit of water.

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I want to watch the end of Cash In The Attic.

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Well, all right, Mother.

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Ahhh!

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Ooh! That's all your fault.

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I told you not to change our electricity supplier.

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Good evening and welcome to Dame Maggie Smith's YouTube channel.

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I'm now a vlogger, like a Zoella or a PewDiePie...

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only with a proper name that doesn't make you want to vomit into a sock.

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I wish to thank my sponsors,

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without whose money I most certainly wouldn't be doing this.

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So, if you skipped over their adverts,

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go back at once and buy yourself a walk-in bath.

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Today, I will present a "What's In The Bag?" video.

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There are many thousands of these on the internet, and for research,

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I watched exactly none of them.

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Why would you want to nose into a bag unless you were a security guard

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or a horse?

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Still, times change,

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and I must join the hideous freak show

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that is the modern age.

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Firstly, we find...

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Julian Fellowes' telephone number.

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Well, I shan't be needing that again.

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And, oh, this is a stunt poo from The Lady In The Van.

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At least I hope it's a stunt poo.

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Oh, my goodness!

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I had no idea that was in there.

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Oh, and there's a little BAFTA nestling down there.

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And, oh, what's this?

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Oh, my Rear Of The Year award, 1958.

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And... Oh...

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This is either a Tic Tac

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or one of Henry Fonda's hallucinogens.

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It's a Tic Tac, more's the pity.

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Now... Oh, this is something I shall always treasure.

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Some advice sent to me by Elizabeth Taylor

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when I was a young actress.

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"Stay away from Richard Burton, you skinny bitch."

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Advice I certainly heeded...

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most of the time.

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Elaine, I've just had an amazing thought,

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and I'm not being self-obsessed or nothing,

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but how about a movie made about my life?

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Pam Garrity, Northern Powerhouse.

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One woman's rise from the arse end of nowhere

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-to the cream of the frigging crop.

-I can see thingy playing you.

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-Who?

-Jennifer Lawrence.

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What part of America is she from?

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-The north, I think.

-Love that bitch.

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Get on to her people. Tell her to start practising her Scouse accent.

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-Is my two o'clock here?

-Yeah.

-Who is it again?

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-Your son, Larry.

-Oh, my God!

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How could I forget? My Larry. Oh, I love my Larry!

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Call me psychic, Elaine, but I knew that lad was gay in the womb.

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And do you know what? I was made up for meself cos I love the gays.

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I was weaned on queenery.

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I spent half me life dancing backwards in gay clubs

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to Frankie Goes To Hollywood. Yeah.

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Cut me and I bleed Relax.

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Show him in.

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Larry, your mum.

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-Hiya, Mam.

-Oh, look at him!

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Isn't he gorgeous? He's gorgeous, isn't he, Elaine?

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And you can't shag him cos he's a gay.

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Give me a hug, you massive bender.

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Listen, Mam. I've got some news.

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I've met someone.

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And he's asked me to marry him and I want you to meet him.

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Ooh.

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My first gay wedding!

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Oh! What's his name?

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-Tom.

-Oh, that's a great northern name, isn't it?

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I'm going to go and get him. Tom!

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Oh, Elaine! Elaine!

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Book me Castle Howard for a month.

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This lad's going to get spliced in style.

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We'll get the set of Coronation Street and get Oasis back together,

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cos they can play at the reception.

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We could get Mel B to sing.

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No, forget that. Mel B gets on me tits.

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-Here he is, Mam.

-Oh, come here.

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We're just planning your wedding, lad.

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Elaine, we can do food stations.

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We'll have organic mushy peas and a hotpot fountain.

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Say hello to your mother-in-law.

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Oh, my God! He's gorgeous!

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You all right, Mrs G? It's a pleasure to meet you.

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Say that again, slower.

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You all right, Mrs G? It's a pleasure to meet you.

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Get out of my office,

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you soft southern shite!

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And you...

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You dirty git!

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You disgust me!

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-But I love him, Mam.

-Are you intent on bringing shame to this family?

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To the name Garrity?

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You might as well have taken a dagger and shoved it in my heart, lad!

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-Mam...

-If you marry that c-c-c-ockney knobhead,

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you can consider yourself cut from my will.

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Now, get out! I can't bear to look at you!

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Elaine,

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get me Saturday Night Sunday Morning on YouTube.

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Consider it dialysis.

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-Where's your mother now?

-She's up in the attic.

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I'm not going!

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She says it's a load a fuss about nothing.

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You see, there's a mark on our wall from the 1954 flood,

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and it's not up there yet, so she says were staying put.

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Just out of interest, if you were to save us, how would you do it?

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I'd lift you through this window and into my boat.

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Through this window? You'd lift me?!

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Yes.

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I think you'd find that tricky. I'm very pear shaped.

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Mother calls me a Heffalump.

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She says I've got a very wide pubic bone.

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We're taking everyone down to the community centre,

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there's blankets down there, and tea.

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Oh, that sounds lovely.

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Will there be sandwiches?

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-Yes, I think so.

-And maybe a singsong?

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I'm sure you could start one.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Oh, well, in that case...

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Tell the man to go away.

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Oh...

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-I'm sorry, eh...

-Dan.

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Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.

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Look, we'll keep an eye on the situation.

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If the water levels get too high, we'll be back.

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Right. Right. Yes. Save me some sandwiches.

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All right.

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Oh, be careful of Mother's runner beans.

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-'Sup, Hassan?

-Yo.

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They're back.

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HE RAPS: # You were warned And here they are

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# It's the arrival of the dread death star

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# It's doom for us No room for doubt

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# Posh people moving in And moving us out

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HIPHOP BACKING TRACK

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# Hello, guys, I'm Kate and I work in planning

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# I'll get straight to the point - we've got a really good plan in

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# We're so excited about this community

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# We want to preserve its dynamic diversity

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# We want to communicate and integrate

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# Integrate? You mean segregate, Kate

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# Whoa, man You don't like our plan?

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# Damn your plan and I ain't your man

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# Would you like to rap challenge me?

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# I listened to Grandmaster Flash at university

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# Hush now, honey Go play with your money

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# Dr Dre and Eminem, I'm down, I'm hip with all of them. #

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-BOTH:

-Oooh!

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# So, listen up, fool name a subject for this rap duel

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# The ten signs of gentrification

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# Drop the beat

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HIP-HOP BEAT AND SCRATCHING

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# Number one

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# Coffee shops on every corner, damn it, man, it sucks

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# Costa, Nero, costs so dear full of star schmucks

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-# Two.

-Everybody moans "More homes for the city,"

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# Be glad, not sad we're making them pretty

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# We're going to build them good,

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# We're going to build them tall

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-# Three.

-That's right three will be affordable

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-# Four.

-My brother lost his chicken shop, they took away his lease

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# Great! Fewer children who are morbidly obese

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# Drowning in grease like your niece

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# Processed meat-eaters meet type II diabetes

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# Pop-up food stalls with a posh name

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# Overpriced burgers which all taste the same

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# Food will be good in the neighbourhood

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# Foodies instead of hoodies

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# Sourdough pizza meets a craft beer, gastropubs, bistros

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# Round the corner, Waitrose

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# Stop, wait a minute

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# It gets worse for the nurses with all the stresses

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# Working in the messes of the NHSes

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# They're moving us out and we won't we won't be back

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# Good luck when you get that heart attack

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-# Number five.

-The people who clean-up and mop up your shit

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# Have to move out cos they can't afford it

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-# Six.

-No more scary dogs chewing up babies faces

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# Labradoodle poodles doing doo-doo in nice places

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-# Seven.

-Yummy mummies working on their mummy tummies

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# Spinning and grinning and getting thin in Pilates

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-# Eight.

-Shops too expensive to hop and shop and drop in

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-# Nine.

-Great new bars to pop and flop and bop in

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-# Great for the rich

-Great for the tourist

0:15:510:15:54

# Man, it's a bitch if you happen to be the poorest

0:15:540:15:57

-# Number ten.

-Number ten?

0:15:570:15:58

# The tube

0:15:580:16:00

-SINGS:

-# The tube

0:16:000:16:01

# There could be a freaking tube!

0:16:010:16:03

# Just do

0:16:050:16:06

# Just think

0:16:060:16:07

# Crossrail, Citylink

0:16:070:16:10

# Give me my chance to be in the right spot

0:16:100:16:12

# A tube'll make the neighbourhood hot, hot, hot! #

0:16:120:16:15

A tube would be cool.

0:16:150:16:17

Nonzo!

0:16:170:16:18

THEY SING: # Gentrifying

0:16:180:16:19

# Can't pay the rent you're cryin'

0:16:190:16:22

# Gotta move to Brent you're sighin'

0:16:220:16:24

# And what about my Brenda also meant to die?

0:16:240:16:27

# Wake up, wise up see where this leads

0:16:270:16:29

# The needy man bleeds while the greedy man feeds

0:16:290:16:32

# And moves everyone to Leeds

0:16:320:16:34

# I'm glad we got to integrate and communicate, cos next week

0:16:370:16:41

# We're going to detonate

0:16:410:16:43

# Be sure to get out and get a good view

0:16:430:16:45

# This place is blowing up with or without you. #

0:16:450:16:48

I've had a lucky life, but there's something I really regret.

0:17:000:17:05

Oh, Mum, there's nothing to regret.

0:17:050:17:07

I really wish I'd taken more pictures of my lunch

0:17:090:17:11

and put them online.

0:17:110:17:13

Chicken and chips, take a picture, put it online.

0:17:140:17:17

Tuna salad, take a picture, put it online.

0:17:170:17:20

Packet of crisps and an apple,

0:17:200:17:22

take a picture, put it online.

0:17:220:17:24

I...I always thought there'd be another day to show people

0:17:240:17:28

what I was about to eat.

0:17:280:17:31

Oh, Mum.

0:17:310:17:32

Don't let it be too late for you.

0:17:320:17:34

Get my purse. Look...

0:17:350:17:37

Go down to the canteen,

0:17:370:17:38

get yourself a piece of quiche and stick it on Tumblr,

0:17:380:17:41

because tomorrow might never come.

0:17:410:17:44

It won't be long now.

0:17:470:17:48

'Gram it, Sal.

0:17:560:17:57

Is that one of mine?

0:18:040:18:05

What, this?

0:18:060:18:07

No, no, no. The book. Is that one of mine?

0:18:070:18:10

Who are you?

0:18:100:18:11

Germaine Greer.

0:18:110:18:13

Feminist icon and former lover of Frederico Fellini.

0:18:130:18:16

I practically invented sex.

0:18:160:18:18

Why are you looking at me like that?

0:18:190:18:20

Have you never seen nipples on a woman's hips before?

0:18:200:18:23

You should be thanking me, you know.

0:18:240:18:26

I was a clitoral pioneer.

0:18:260:18:28

Nobody was talking about them in Melbourne before I came along.

0:18:280:18:31

Ditto vaginas.

0:18:310:18:33

That's right, sir.

0:18:330:18:34

I said vaginas.

0:18:340:18:37

It's Latin, meaning scabbard or sheath.

0:18:370:18:40

Did you know that?

0:18:400:18:42

Sorry, can you not invade my space?

0:18:420:18:43

Oh, when did students get so intolerant?!

0:18:430:18:47

In my world, you can say anything you want.

0:18:470:18:49

I told the Australian PM she had a fat arse once,

0:18:490:18:52

and nobody batted an eyelid.

0:18:520:18:54

Well, they did, but I meant it n a nice way.

0:18:540:18:57

-Yeah, I actually find that really offensive.

-Good. Good!

0:18:570:19:00

Get angry!

0:19:000:19:01

Somebody needs to, now that I've been silenced by the media.

0:19:010:19:05

They called me a radical when I was young,

0:19:050:19:08

but you're not allowed to be controversial

0:19:080:19:11

once your areolas head south.

0:19:110:19:13

I'm intellectually homeless.

0:19:140:19:16

Can't even get a seat on BBC Four.

0:19:170:19:20

And all because I'm old.

0:19:200:19:21

There's no other possible explanation.

0:19:210:19:24

Minister, I'm going to have to ask the question again,

0:19:270:19:30

and I'm going to keep on asking it until I get an answer.

0:19:300:19:33

Have you ever held shares in an offshore company?

0:19:330:19:37

-CAT MEOWS

-Yes, all right, I did. I did.

0:19:370:19:40

I did. Can you get off me, please?

0:19:400:19:42

I'm actually allergic.

0:19:420:19:43

Kay?

0:19:460:19:47

Kay?

0:19:480:19:49

Kay?!

0:19:510:19:53

I'm coming, mother!

0:19:530:19:55

Oh! I found some groceries floating around down there.

0:19:550:19:58

I managed to rescue the Branston and some golden breadcrumbs.

0:19:580:20:02

Did you get my biscuits?

0:20:020:20:04

Yes, I got your biscuits.

0:20:040:20:05

There's quite a riptide down there by the washing machine.

0:20:060:20:09

People do seem to be leaving, Mother.

0:20:110:20:13

They're all getting in canoes and paddling away.

0:20:130:20:15

Babies.

0:20:150:20:17

A lot of fuss about nothing.

0:20:170:20:18

It's just a bit of damp.

0:20:180:20:20

You brought the wrong biscuits.

0:20:220:20:23

I want the Garibaldis.

0:20:230:20:25

But they're in the pantry.

0:20:250:20:27

It's like the Poseidon Adventure down there, Mum.

0:20:270:20:29

I'll have to free-dive for them.

0:20:310:20:32

I want the Garibaldis.

0:20:320:20:34

Let me take something to help me breathe.

0:20:370:20:39

Let me know if you need any help.

0:20:490:20:52

I'm just after a card for our Shirley.

0:20:520:20:54

Oh, lovely.

0:20:540:20:56

Well, they're all in sections.

0:20:560:20:58

There's cheeky over there, then you get crude, and there's adult,

0:20:580:21:03

and then there's obscene and here's downright offensive.

0:21:030:21:07

I'm actually just after a birthday card.

0:21:070:21:09

Oh, they're all birthday cards.

0:21:090:21:11

So, what's she like?

0:21:110:21:12

Does she drink too much Prosecco?

0:21:130:21:15

Does she eat too much cake?

0:21:160:21:18

Does she like getting bummed?

0:21:190:21:20

-I'm not sure she really does, really.

-Oh.

0:21:210:21:24

Well, a lot of people seem to,

0:21:240:21:26

cos they make an awful lot of cards about that.

0:21:260:21:28

Do you not have any cards that just have pictures of animals or birds?

0:21:280:21:32

Yes, yes, we do.

0:21:320:21:33

Er, there's this one here.

0:21:330:21:36

Oh, lovely!

0:21:360:21:39

"I got you a hairy pussy."

0:21:390:21:41

And this one.

0:21:420:21:43

"You're a tit"?

0:21:430:21:44

Er...

0:21:440:21:45

It does say "You're a tit", yeah.

0:21:450:21:47

She's not your sister, is she? Cos these are very popular.

0:21:480:21:52

"You may be my sister, but you're still a bitch."

0:21:520:21:55

No, she's just a neighbour.

0:21:550:21:57

Oh, that's a shame, isn't it?

0:21:570:21:58

Oh! Is that a "Keep Calm And Carry On" range?

0:21:580:22:01

That's a World War II slogan, isn't it?

0:22:010:22:04

Maybe this'd be more appropriate.

0:22:040:22:06

"Keep calm and carry on drinking."

0:22:060:22:08

"Keep calm and carry on shagging."

0:22:080:22:10

"Keep calm and..." Oh.

0:22:100:22:12

Do you not have any cards at all that aren't rude?

0:22:120:22:14

No, they're mostly the funny ones.

0:22:140:22:17

But we do have this range.

0:22:180:22:19

They're made by a woman in the village and they're on brown card,

0:22:190:22:23

so you know they're classy.

0:22:230:22:24

And she's stuck pieces of paper on them

0:22:240:22:26

to make flowers and butterflies.

0:22:260:22:29

Oh, that's pretty.

0:22:290:22:30

How much is that?

0:22:300:22:32

£7.50.

0:22:320:22:33

Maybe Shirley does like being bummed.

0:22:360:22:37

AMOROUS NOISES

0:22:420:22:45

Oh!

0:22:450:22:46

Ooh, that is good!

0:22:460:22:47

Oh!

0:22:490:22:50

Right, bedtime.

0:22:520:22:53

What, what? No, no.

0:22:540:22:56

Oh, no.

0:22:560:22:58

Oh, your father was just looking for his keys.

0:22:580:23:01

Oh, you can't go!

0:23:010:23:03

Movie night's for all my new family.

0:23:030:23:06

Mick refused to buy a colour TV, so this is such a treat for me, y'all.

0:23:060:23:10

Sit down or you're out of the will.

0:23:100:23:12

Right, so, what shall we watch?

0:23:150:23:17

Let's watch Tim Burton's Batman.

0:23:170:23:19

I did my acting in that film.

0:23:190:23:21

We're watching Crocodile Dundee.

0:23:220:23:24

We watched that last week!

0:23:240:23:25

So? You got a problem with that?

0:23:250:23:27

-No, no, no.

-I love Crocodile Dundee.

0:23:270:23:29

Yes, let's watch Crocodile Dundee. It's my favourite film.

0:23:290:23:32

Paul Hogan is the greatest actor in the world.

0:23:320:23:34

OK. Well, fire up the Blu-ray.

0:23:340:23:36

Jerry, er...

0:23:380:23:40

do you want some popcorn?

0:23:400:23:41

Oh, no. Not for me, sweetie.

0:23:410:23:43

Go on, Jerry.

0:23:460:23:47

-Have some popcorn.

-No, I'm fine.

0:23:470:23:49

I'm watching my figure.

0:23:490:23:51

I'll watch it for you!

0:23:510:23:52

Ha, boom-boom!

0:23:520:23:53

Jerry, I really think you should try the popcorn.

0:23:550:23:57

I really don't want any.

0:23:570:23:59

I'll try the popcorn.

0:23:590:24:00

No, no!

0:24:000:24:02

Agh! Oh, God!

0:24:020:24:04

-You're not supposed to try the popcorn!

-Oh, Dad!

-That's gross!

0:24:040:24:07

Rupert, what is wrong with you?

0:24:070:24:09

Can't a man hide his pecker in his own popcorn once in a while

0:24:090:24:13

without getting grief about it?

0:24:130:24:14

I'm never eating popcorn again!

0:24:140:24:16

Can you imagine them all in that community centre now, Mum?

0:24:220:24:26

With the sandwiches and the singing?

0:24:260:24:29

We could have wowed them with our new thermos.

0:24:290:24:32

I'm cold.

0:24:320:24:33

I think we've got a roll of old lagging up here somewhere.

0:24:340:24:37

We could wrap ourselves in that.

0:24:370:24:40

Look at all this junk.

0:24:400:24:42

We might find some cash in our attic, Mother.

0:24:420:24:44

Oh, dear.

0:24:440:24:47

What's all this?

0:24:470:24:48

It's a postcard.

0:24:490:24:51

To me.

0:24:510:24:52

"Could I have the honour of accompanying you to the cinema

0:24:520:24:56

"this Saturday to see Doctor Zhivago?"

0:24:560:24:58

Oh, it's from a man, inviting me to the pictures.

0:25:000:25:04

Oh, this is 1965.

0:25:040:25:06

I suppose I've missed that now.

0:25:060:25:08

I don't know how that got there.

0:25:080:25:10

What else is up here, mother?

0:25:120:25:13

Nothing.

0:25:130:25:15

KNOCKING

0:25:150:25:17

I'm afraid we're going to have to evacuate you, ladies.

0:25:170:25:19

Oh, it's Dan. That's Dan.

0:25:190:25:21

Hello, Dan. How did you get up there?

0:25:210:25:23

He's like Spider-Man, Mum, shimmying up the side of buildings.

0:25:240:25:28

Tell him to keep his sticky substances to himself.

0:25:280:25:31

Right, you're not safe, OK?

0:25:320:25:34

We're going to have to get you out.

0:25:340:25:35

Here we go.

0:25:350:25:37

Here you go, Mum.

0:25:370:25:38

You'll need a sturdier ladder than that for her.

0:25:380:25:41

Will you be staying the night in the community centre as well, Dan?

0:25:410:25:45

Because I expect we should all have to huddle close for warmth.

0:25:450:25:48

I must warn you, I've got very cold feet.

0:25:480:25:51

Mother says it's like sleeping next to an iceberg.

0:25:510:25:54

Oh! Ooh, Dan!

0:25:540:25:56

"Darling, Kay, will you marry me?"

0:25:570:25:59

"Dear, Kay Clark, I'm pleased to offer you a place..."

0:25:590:26:01

"...very pleased to offer you the position of customer service advisor...

0:26:010:26:04

"We're all going to France and we'd love you to come..."

0:26:040:26:06

"Dear, Kay, why haven't you replied to my letters?"

0:26:060:26:08

It's an honour to present the award for Best British Newcomer,

0:26:180:26:24

but before I do, I just want to say that our industry must be open

0:26:240:26:28

to all voices and backgrounds, not just the elite.

0:26:280:26:32

How are we going to hear working-class stories

0:26:320:26:34

if there are no working-class actors?

0:26:340:26:37

Thank you. Thank you.

0:26:390:26:41

And the nominees for Best British Newcomer are...

0:26:410:26:45

Henry Osmond Wells

0:26:450:26:47

for Gay Cambridge Spies.

0:26:470:26:48

Lucia Wentworth

0:26:520:26:54

for Thin Woman In A Floaty Dress.

0:26:540:26:56

Hugo Wilkes, ninth Earl of Buckinghamshire,

0:26:580:27:01

for Help, I'm A Disabled Oxford Boffin.

0:27:010:27:03

And finally, Terry Marsh

0:27:070:27:10

for Council Estate Jack-Up.

0:27:100:27:12

And the winner is...

0:27:150:27:17

Terry Marsh, Council Estate Jack-Up!

0:27:210:27:23

Yay! Yay!

0:27:270:27:28

Oh!

0:27:310:27:32

Well done, Tel!

0:27:340:27:35

Job well done, mate!

0:27:350:27:36

Thanks.

0:27:370:27:38

I'm gobsmacked. I mean, I just...

0:27:380:27:41

Hang on...

0:27:410:27:43

This ain't my name.

0:27:430:27:44

Just take the award, Terry, take the award.

0:27:440:27:46

This says Hugo Wilkes, ninth Earl of Buckingham.

0:27:460:27:50

Oh, you cocked it up, mate!

0:27:500:27:51

Roz, it don't matter who the actor is or where he's from.

0:27:510:27:56

Look, what matters is the quality of the work.

0:27:560:27:58

Hugo, get up here.

0:27:580:28:00

Woohoo!

0:28:020:28:03

That's yours, mate.

0:28:030:28:04

Woo! OMG!

0:28:040:28:06

Never thought I'd win this tonight, but, erm, just because an actor

0:28:060:28:10

comes from what some people might call a privileged background,

0:28:100:28:13

doesn't mean that he hasn't had to fight for every inch of his career.

0:28:130:28:17

It isn't easy trying to act when the bank is calling

0:28:170:28:21

you every day, asking you to run its futures division.

0:28:210:28:24

Or choosing whether to rehearse or

0:28:240:28:26

go on a skiing holiday with some really great guys.

0:28:260:28:30

So this is for all those who believe in art

0:28:300:28:33

and for everyone who wants to bring back fox hunting.

0:28:330:28:35

Yeah, fox hunting!

0:28:350:28:37

Right, leg it, Tel! Leg it!

0:28:440:28:45

Yeah, up the fucking workers!

0:28:480:28:49

Tracey Ullman brings her unique take on some extraordinary characters in the UK. The second episode sees the return of Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, who is shopping for cut-price animal-print leggings - or jodhpurs as she prefers to call them. It is movie night in the Murdoch household, and Germaine Greer is ranting at a student as she waits at the bus stop. Kay and her elderly mother's home is flooded - but they are staying put. Dame Maggie has a new job as a vlogger, and the planners have their sights on a run-down housing estate - but is gentrification good for everyone? The scene is set for a rap challenge. Guest starring Kevin Bishop.