Episode 2 Tracey Ullman's Show

Later on BBC One, another format we've copied from somewhere else

and remade in a slightly more worthy way...

Your chance to watch other people

reading books.

This programme contains some strong language.

Pamela and Peter

are both reading Sense and Sensibility.

SHE LAUGHS

Oop.

And the Coopers have decided to read

50 Shades Of Grey together as a family.

I say, have you got to page 45?

-Oh, yes.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Takes me back.

-THEY LAUGH

God, you're so embarrassing.

# When I was small I used to dance in my mother's bedroom

# Then I grew up and did it again

# And basically I'm still doing the same show I did in my mother's bedroom

# And I'll do it to the bitter end

# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show

# Tracey Ullman Show Let's do the show, let's go

# Tracey Ullman Show

# Tracey Ullman Tracey Ullman

# Tracey Tracey Tracey Tracey

# Tracey Ullman Show. #

Let's go.

-How can I help?

-Medium white Americano, please.

-Extra shot?

-No, thank you.

-Syrup?

-No, I'm good, thanks.

-Soya milk?

-No. I'm actually in a bit of a hurry.

Lady breast milk she left in shop?

No, just a white Americano.

-Mini ring doughnut?

-No.

-Cinnamon shortbread?

-No.

Giant Malteser?

Looks like a giant Malteser but inside it's really a cake,

but it does have some Malteser in it?

-No.

-Sting CD?

-No.

-Times newspaper?

-No.

-Elvis Costello CD?

-No.

-Fresh fish?

What? No!

Boiler repair two-year warranty?

-Of course not.

-Prize-winning novel about a sad lady?

I just want my coffee. Can I have it now, please?

Certainly. One white Americano,

no prize-winning novel about a sad lady,

no boiler repair, no fresh fish, no Elvis Costello CD,

no Times newspaper, no Sting CD,

no giant Malteser that isn't really a Malteser,

no cinnamon shortbread, no mini ring doughnut, no breast milk,

no soya milk, no syrup, no extra shot.

Oh, she's gone.

Rude lady.

Charles, it's Camilla.

Yah, I won't be long, sexy bum.

I've got to get a frock to wear to the big banquet.

You know, the old bloody whats-his-name,

Johnny foreigner chappie,

the one your dad offended.

No, the other one.

No, the other one.

Oh, buggeration!

The mare's just had a refusal at the water jump.

Gee up, girl! What's the matter with you?

ALARM BLARES

Stop whinnying, you bally thing!

Look, I've got to go.

Ohh!

-You need any help?

-No, no, no.

I think it's best just to put it out of its misery.

GUNSHOT

-There. That should do it.

-ALARM SLOWS AND STOPS

Which way is Knightsbridge? I think I'll walk.

Well, it's about 30 miles that way, I think.

Oh, for fuck...

Oh, they'll sell frocks.

Bloody brilliant.

Oh, bloody hell!

Hi, can I help you?

I'd say. Padded bally jackets for £9.99.

-I'll take one of those.

-What size are you?

I'm about 16 hands.

I'm rather wide in the withers.

Right. Um... So, one of these?

I'll take the whole rack.

And, oh, a box of those animal-print jodhpurs.

-Oh, these?

-Yeah.

These are actually leggings.

You say organic potato, I say organic potata.

-And is there anything else I can help you with?

-I need a ball gown.

Something quite long.

I don't want to show the whole flower show.

Um... We don't really have ballgowns.

Oh! Sold out? I knew I'd left it too late.

Oh! What about one of those sodding sashes that always get stuck between

your boobs? I hate these.

Whenever you go to take a wazz, the dangly bit always dips in the lavvy.

Oh, well, I shall just these with my wellies.

I mean, what does "Formal" really mean, anyway?

How many mother-in-laws is that?

Oh, that'll be £84, please.

So that's four big mother-in-laws...

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-and one little mother-in-law.

Thank you.

Actually, do you have any sexy underwear?

Yeah. We do, yeah.

Hmm, I'm looking for something in tweed.

Right,...

-Susie...

-Is it true?

-Is what true?

-Don't bullshit me, Jeff.

All right, it's true.

For God's sake, I've had the ten o'clock slot

since Tony Blair got in.

It's not a demotion.

We just think you'd be more suited to a lower-profile daytime slot.

But Nicole isn't even a news person.

She's good at her job.

Yeah, and she's 20 years younger than me.

-It's not about age.

-Then what is it about?

Well...

You keep bringing your cats in.

-My cats?

-Yes.

It was all right when it was just Trixie,

but there are eight or nine of them now.

Well, Huw Edwards brings his dog in.

One dog. And he keeps it in his dressing room.

It doesn't stop me doing my job.

Let me show you something.

This is you from last night.

ON SCREEN: Police are still searching for two men

believed to be responsible for Thursday's daring

Bond Street jewellery robbery.

SHE MAKES KISSING SOUNDS

Forest fires continued to rage in California, the National Guard...

You're a very handsome boy.

Yes, you are. Oooh. There's a handsome boy.

Say hello to the viewers. Off you go, now.

Riots on the streets of Athens.

Scores of protesters are injured...

BABY TALK: Yes, they are!

Yes, they are.

You see the problem?

Yes.

But when was the last time you saw a mouse around here?

Fair point.

Listen to that rain, Mother.

It's been bucketing down all morning.

What's this one called?

Was it Storm Jo, Storm Jeffrey?

Storm Julian?

People nowadays don't know what a storm is.

That's just a wet wind.

Oh, Mother, look...

the house is flooding.

Oh, we've got to get out of here.

Hop on, Mother, I'll give you a piggyback to the door.

-Come on.

-It's just a bit of water.

I want to watch the end of Cash In The Attic.

Well, all right, Mother.

Ahhh!

Ooh! That's all your fault.

I told you not to change our electricity supplier.

Good evening and welcome to Dame Maggie Smith's YouTube channel.

I'm now a vlogger, like a Zoella or a PewDiePie...

only with a proper name that doesn't make you want to vomit into a sock.

I wish to thank my sponsors,

without whose money I most certainly wouldn't be doing this.

So, if you skipped over their adverts,

go back at once and buy yourself a walk-in bath.

Today, I will present a "What's In The Bag?" video.

There are many thousands of these on the internet, and for research,

I watched exactly none of them.

Why would you want to nose into a bag unless you were a security guard

or a horse?

Still, times change,

and I must join the hideous freak show

that is the modern age.

Firstly, we find...

Julian Fellowes' telephone number.

Well, I shan't be needing that again.

And, oh, this is a stunt poo from The Lady In The Van.

At least I hope it's a stunt poo.

Oh, my goodness!

I had no idea that was in there.

Oh, and there's a little BAFTA nestling down there.

And, oh, what's this?

Oh, my Rear Of The Year award, 1958.

And... Oh...

This is either a Tic Tac

or one of Henry Fonda's hallucinogens.

It's a Tic Tac, more's the pity.

Now... Oh, this is something I shall always treasure.

Some advice sent to me by Elizabeth Taylor

when I was a young actress.

"Stay away from Richard Burton, you skinny bitch."

Advice I certainly heeded...

most of the time.

Elaine, I've just had an amazing thought,

and I'm not being self-obsessed or nothing,

but how about a movie made about my life?

Pam Garrity, Northern Powerhouse.

One woman's rise from the arse end of nowhere

-to the cream of the frigging crop.

-I can see thingy playing you.

-Who?

-Jennifer Lawrence.

What part of America is she from?

-The north, I think.

-Love that bitch.

Get on to her people. Tell her to start practising her Scouse accent.

-Is my two o'clock here?

-Yeah.

-Who is it again?

-Your son, Larry.

-Oh, my God!

How could I forget? My Larry. Oh, I love my Larry!

Call me psychic, Elaine, but I knew that lad was gay in the womb.

And do you know what? I was made up for meself cos I love the gays.

I was weaned on queenery.

I spent half me life dancing backwards in gay clubs

to Frankie Goes To Hollywood. Yeah.

Cut me and I bleed Relax.

Show him in.

Larry, your mum.

-Hiya, Mam.

-Oh, look at him!

Isn't he gorgeous? He's gorgeous, isn't he, Elaine?

And you can't shag him cos he's a gay.

Give me a hug, you massive bender.

Listen, Mam. I've got some news.

I've met someone.

And he's asked me to marry him and I want you to meet him.

Ooh.

My first gay wedding!

Oh! What's his name?

-Tom.

-Oh, that's a great northern name, isn't it?

I'm going to go and get him. Tom!

Oh, Elaine! Elaine!

Book me Castle Howard for a month.

This lad's going to get spliced in style.

We'll get the set of Coronation Street and get Oasis back together,

cos they can play at the reception.

We could get Mel B to sing.

No, forget that. Mel B gets on me tits.

-Here he is, Mam.

-Oh, come here.

We're just planning your wedding, lad.

Elaine, we can do food stations.

We'll have organic mushy peas and a hotpot fountain.

Say hello to your mother-in-law.

Oh, my God! He's gorgeous!

You all right, Mrs G? It's a pleasure to meet you.

Say that again, slower.

You all right, Mrs G? It's a pleasure to meet you.

Get out of my office,

you soft southern shite!

And you...

You dirty git!

You disgust me!

-But I love him, Mam.

-Are you intent on bringing shame to this family?

To the name Garrity?

You might as well have taken a dagger and shoved it in my heart, lad!

-Mam...

-If you marry that c-c-c-ockney knobhead,

you can consider yourself cut from my will.

Now, get out! I can't bear to look at you!

Elaine,

get me Saturday Night Sunday Morning on YouTube.

Consider it dialysis.

-Where's your mother now?

-She's up in the attic.

I'm not going!

She says it's a load a fuss about nothing.

You see, there's a mark on our wall from the 1954 flood,

and it's not up there yet, so she says were staying put.

Just out of interest, if you were to save us, how would you do it?

I'd lift you through this window and into my boat.

Through this window? You'd lift me?!

Yes.

I think you'd find that tricky. I'm very pear shaped.

Mother calls me a Heffalump.

She says I've got a very wide pubic bone.

We're taking everyone down to the community centre,

there's blankets down there, and tea.

Oh, that sounds lovely.

Will there be sandwiches?

-Yes, I think so.

-And maybe a singsong?

I'm sure you could start one.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh, well, in that case...

Tell the man to go away.

Oh...

-I'm sorry, eh...

-Dan.

Oh, I'm sorry, Dan.

Look, we'll keep an eye on the situation.

If the water levels get too high, we'll be back.

Right. Right. Yes. Save me some sandwiches.

All right.

Oh, be careful of Mother's runner beans.

-'Sup, Hassan?

-Yo.

They're back.

HE RAPS: # You were warned And here they are

# It's the arrival of the dread death star

# It's doom for us No room for doubt

# Posh people moving in And moving us out

HIPHOP BACKING TRACK

# Hello, guys, I'm Kate and I work in planning

# I'll get straight to the point - we've got a really good plan in

# We're so excited about this community

# We want to preserve its dynamic diversity

# We want to communicate and integrate

# Integrate? You mean segregate, Kate

# Whoa, man You don't like our plan?

# Damn your plan and I ain't your man

# Would you like to rap challenge me?

# I listened to Grandmaster Flash at university

# Hush now, honey Go play with your money

# Dr Dre and Eminem, I'm down, I'm hip with all of them. #

-BOTH:

-Oooh!

# So, listen up, fool name a subject for this rap duel

# The ten signs of gentrification

# Drop the beat

HIP-HOP BEAT AND SCRATCHING

# Number one

# Coffee shops on every corner, damn it, man, it sucks

# Costa, Nero, costs so dear full of star schmucks

-# Two.

-Everybody moans "More homes for the city,"

# Be glad, not sad we're making them pretty

# We're going to build them good,

# We're going to build them tall

-# Three.

-That's right three will be affordable

-# Four.

-My brother lost his chicken shop, they took away his lease

# Great! Fewer children who are morbidly obese

# Drowning in grease like your niece

# Processed meat-eaters meet type II diabetes

# Pop-up food stalls with a posh name

# Overpriced burgers which all taste the same

# Food will be good in the neighbourhood

# Foodies instead of hoodies

# Sourdough pizza meets a craft beer, gastropubs, bistros

# Round the corner, Waitrose

# Stop, wait a minute

# It gets worse for the nurses with all the stresses

# Working in the messes of the NHSes

# They're moving us out and we won't we won't be back

# Good luck when you get that heart attack

-# Number five.

-The people who clean-up and mop up your shit

# Have to move out cos they can't afford it

-# Six.

-No more scary dogs chewing up babies faces

# Labradoodle poodles doing doo-doo in nice places

-# Seven.

-Yummy mummies working on their mummy tummies

# Spinning and grinning and getting thin in Pilates

-# Eight.

-Shops too expensive to hop and shop and drop in

-# Nine.

-Great new bars to pop and flop and bop in

-# Great for the rich

-Great for the tourist

# Man, it's a bitch if you happen to be the poorest

-# Number ten.

-Number ten?

# The tube

-SINGS:

-# The tube

# There could be a freaking tube!

# Just do

# Just think

# Crossrail, Citylink

# Give me my chance to be in the right spot

# A tube'll make the neighbourhood hot, hot, hot! #

A tube would be cool.

Nonzo!

THEY SING: # Gentrifying

# Can't pay the rent you're cryin'

# Gotta move to Brent you're sighin'

# And what about my Brenda also meant to die?

# Wake up, wise up see where this leads

# The needy man bleeds while the greedy man feeds

# And moves everyone to Leeds

# I'm glad we got to integrate and communicate, cos next week

# We're going to detonate

# Be sure to get out and get a good view

# This place is blowing up with or without you. #

I've had a lucky life, but there's something I really regret.

Oh, Mum, there's nothing to regret.

I really wish I'd taken more pictures of my lunch

and put them online.

Chicken and chips, take a picture, put it online.

Tuna salad, take a picture, put it online.

Packet of crisps and an apple,

take a picture, put it online.

I...I always thought there'd be another day to show people

what I was about to eat.

Oh, Mum.

Don't let it be too late for you.

Get my purse. Look...

Go down to the canteen,

get yourself a piece of quiche and stick it on Tumblr,

because tomorrow might never come.

It won't be long now.

'Gram it, Sal.

Is that one of mine?

What, this?

No, no, no. The book. Is that one of mine?

Who are you?

Germaine Greer.

Feminist icon and former lover of Frederico Fellini.

I practically invented sex.

Why are you looking at me like that?

Have you never seen nipples on a woman's hips before?

You should be thanking me, you know.

I was a clitoral pioneer.

Nobody was talking about them in Melbourne before I came along.

Ditto vaginas.

That's right, sir.

I said vaginas.

It's Latin, meaning scabbard or sheath.

Did you know that?

Sorry, can you not invade my space?

Oh, when did students get so intolerant?!

In my world, you can say anything you want.

I told the Australian PM she had a fat arse once,

and nobody batted an eyelid.

Well, they did, but I meant it n a nice way.

-Yeah, I actually find that really offensive.

-Good. Good!

Get angry!

Somebody needs to, now that I've been silenced by the media.

They called me a radical when I was young,

but you're not allowed to be controversial

once your areolas head south.

I'm intellectually homeless.

Can't even get a seat on BBC Four.

And all because I'm old.

There's no other possible explanation.

Minister, I'm going to have to ask the question again,

and I'm going to keep on asking it until I get an answer.

Have you ever held shares in an offshore company?

-CAT MEOWS

-Yes, all right, I did. I did.

I did. Can you get off me, please?

I'm actually allergic.

Kay?

Kay?

Kay?!

I'm coming, mother!

Oh! I found some groceries floating around down there.

I managed to rescue the Branston and some golden breadcrumbs.

Did you get my biscuits?

Yes, I got your biscuits.

There's quite a riptide down there by the washing machine.

People do seem to be leaving, Mother.

They're all getting in canoes and paddling away.

Babies.

A lot of fuss about nothing.

It's just a bit of damp.

You brought the wrong biscuits.

I want the Garibaldis.

But they're in the pantry.

It's like the Poseidon Adventure down there, Mum.

I'll have to free-dive for them.

I want the Garibaldis.

Let me take something to help me breathe.

Let me know if you need any help.

I'm just after a card for our Shirley.

Oh, lovely.

Well, they're all in sections.

There's cheeky over there, then you get crude, and there's adult,

and then there's obscene and here's downright offensive.

I'm actually just after a birthday card.

Oh, they're all birthday cards.

So, what's she like?

Does she drink too much Prosecco?

Does she eat too much cake?

Does she like getting bummed?

-I'm not sure she really does, really.

-Oh.

Well, a lot of people seem to,

cos they make an awful lot of cards about that.

Do you not have any cards that just have pictures of animals or birds?

Yes, yes, we do.

Er, there's this one here.

Oh, lovely!

"I got you a hairy pussy."

And this one.

"You're a tit"?

Er...

It does say "You're a tit", yeah.

She's not your sister, is she? Cos these are very popular.

"You may be my sister, but you're still a bitch."

No, she's just a neighbour.

Oh, that's a shame, isn't it?

Oh! Is that a "Keep Calm And Carry On" range?

That's a World War II slogan, isn't it?

Maybe this'd be more appropriate.

"Keep calm and carry on drinking."

"Keep calm and carry on shagging."

"Keep calm and..." Oh.

Do you not have any cards at all that aren't rude?

No, they're mostly the funny ones.

But we do have this range.

They're made by a woman in the village and they're on brown card,

so you know they're classy.

And she's stuck pieces of paper on them

to make flowers and butterflies.

Oh, that's pretty.

How much is that?

£7.50.

Maybe Shirley does like being bummed.

AMOROUS NOISES

Oh!

Ooh, that is good!

Oh!

Right, bedtime.

What, what? No, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, your father was just looking for his keys.

Oh, you can't go!

Movie night's for all my new family.

Mick refused to buy a colour TV, so this is such a treat for me, y'all.

Sit down or you're out of the will.

Right, so, what shall we watch?

Let's watch Tim Burton's Batman.

I did my acting in that film.

We're watching Crocodile Dundee.

We watched that last week!

So? You got a problem with that?

-No, no, no.

-I love Crocodile Dundee.

Yes, let's watch Crocodile Dundee. It's my favourite film.

Paul Hogan is the greatest actor in the world.

OK. Well, fire up the Blu-ray.

Jerry, er...

do you want some popcorn?

Oh, no. Not for me, sweetie.

Go on, Jerry.

-Have some popcorn.

-No, I'm fine.

I'm watching my figure.

I'll watch it for you!

Ha, boom-boom!

Jerry, I really think you should try the popcorn.

I really don't want any.

I'll try the popcorn.

No, no!

Agh! Oh, God!

-You're not supposed to try the popcorn!

-Oh, Dad!

-That's gross!

Rupert, what is wrong with you?

Can't a man hide his pecker in his own popcorn once in a while

without getting grief about it?

I'm never eating popcorn again!

Can you imagine them all in that community centre now, Mum?

With the sandwiches and the singing?

We could have wowed them with our new thermos.

I'm cold.

I think we've got a roll of old lagging up here somewhere.

We could wrap ourselves in that.

Look at all this junk.

We might find some cash in our attic, Mother.

Oh, dear.

What's all this?

It's a postcard.

To me.

"Could I have the honour of accompanying you to the cinema

"this Saturday to see Doctor Zhivago?"

Oh, it's from a man, inviting me to the pictures.

Oh, this is 1965.

I suppose I've missed that now.

I don't know how that got there.

What else is up here, mother?

Nothing.

KNOCKING

I'm afraid we're going to have to evacuate you, ladies.

Oh, it's Dan. That's Dan.

Hello, Dan. How did you get up there?

He's like Spider-Man, Mum, shimmying up the side of buildings.

Tell him to keep his sticky substances to himself.

Right, you're not safe, OK?

We're going to have to get you out.

Here we go.

Here you go, Mum.

You'll need a sturdier ladder than that for her.

Will you be staying the night in the community centre as well, Dan?

Because I expect we should all have to huddle close for warmth.

I must warn you, I've got very cold feet.

Mother says it's like sleeping next to an iceberg.

Oh! Ooh, Dan!

"Darling, Kay, will you marry me?"

"Dear, Kay Clark, I'm pleased to offer you a place..."

"...very pleased to offer you the position of customer service advisor...

"We're all going to France and we'd love you to come..."

"Dear, Kay, why haven't you replied to my letters?"

It's an honour to present the award for Best British Newcomer,

but before I do, I just want to say that our industry must be open

to all voices and backgrounds, not just the elite.

How are we going to hear working-class stories

if there are no working-class actors?

Thank you. Thank you.

And the nominees for Best British Newcomer are...

Henry Osmond Wells

for Gay Cambridge Spies.

Lucia Wentworth

for Thin Woman In A Floaty Dress.

Hugo Wilkes, ninth Earl of Buckinghamshire,

for Help, I'm A Disabled Oxford Boffin.

And finally, Terry Marsh

for Council Estate Jack-Up.

And the winner is...

Terry Marsh, Council Estate Jack-Up!

Yay! Yay!

Oh!

Well done, Tel!

Job well done, mate!

Thanks.

I'm gobsmacked. I mean, I just...

Hang on...

This ain't my name.

Just take the award, Terry, take the award.

This says Hugo Wilkes, ninth Earl of Buckingham.

Oh, you cocked it up, mate!

Roz, it don't matter who the actor is or where he's from.

Look, what matters is the quality of the work.

Hugo, get up here.

Woohoo!

That's yours, mate.

Woo! OMG!

Never thought I'd win this tonight, but, erm, just because an actor

comes from what some people might call a privileged background,

doesn't mean that he hasn't had to fight for every inch of his career.

It isn't easy trying to act when the bank is calling

you every day, asking you to run its futures division.

Or choosing whether to rehearse or

go on a skiing holiday with some really great guys.

So this is for all those who believe in art

and for everyone who wants to bring back fox hunting.

Yeah, fox hunting!

Right, leg it, Tel! Leg it!

Yeah, up the fucking workers!