Browse content similar to Episode 3. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!
Line | From | To | |
---|---|---|---|
This programme contains some strong language and adult humour. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:08 | |
I'm Clare Balding. | 0:00:08 | 0:00:09 | |
This is really, really nice. | 0:00:09 | 0:00:11 | |
# When I was small, I used to dance in my mother's bedroom | 0:00:13 | 0:00:16 | |
# Then I grew up and did it again | 0:00:16 | 0:00:19 | |
# And basically I'm still doing the same show I did in my mother's bedroom | 0:00:20 | 0:00:24 | |
# And I'll do it till the bitter end | 0:00:24 | 0:00:26 | |
# Cos it's my Tracey Ullman Show | 0:00:26 | 0:00:31 | |
# Tracey Ullman's Show, let's do the show, let's go | 0:00:31 | 0:00:34 | |
# Tracey Ullman's Show! | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
# Tracey Ullman, Tracey Ullman | 0:00:37 | 0:00:41 | |
# Tracey, Tracey, Tracey, Tracey | 0:00:41 | 0:00:44 | |
# Tracey Ullman's Show. # | 0:00:44 | 0:00:46 | |
Let's go! | 0:00:46 | 0:00:47 | |
KEYPAD BEEPING | 0:00:49 | 0:00:52 | |
Ohh! | 0:00:57 | 0:00:58 | |
-Excuse me, Leah. -Do I know you? -Yes, you see me every day. | 0:00:58 | 0:01:02 | |
Jasmine, I work in accounts. | 0:01:02 | 0:01:04 | |
I've been on holiday in Magaluf, and they've changed the code again. | 0:01:04 | 0:01:07 | |
Magaluf is but a short flight from Damascus. | 0:01:07 | 0:01:09 | |
No code, no entry. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:11 | |
Oh, Leah... | 0:01:11 | 0:01:12 | |
Helmet off. Need a name, mate. | 0:01:15 | 0:01:18 | |
Serge, Leah. I was here yesterday. | 0:01:18 | 0:01:19 | |
I don't know that name, mate. I got a clearance on a Sergio. | 0:01:19 | 0:01:22 | |
I'm Sergio. Serge for short. | 0:01:22 | 0:01:24 | |
-Anybody could say that, mate. -Don't make me go and get accredited again. | 0:01:24 | 0:01:27 | |
I really need to use the loo. | 0:01:27 | 0:01:28 | |
Please. I'm desperate. | 0:01:28 | 0:01:29 | |
Leah, can you let Serge in, please? | 0:01:29 | 0:01:31 | |
-He's got this week's stock sheets. -That's not the right name, Gary. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
-Oh, God, this is... -About everybody's safety, Gary. | 0:01:34 | 0:01:36 | |
Including yours. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:38 | |
Yeah. We went down Manhattan's, but it was wall-to-wall mingers. | 0:01:45 | 0:01:49 | |
White Americano, please, love. And move your chubby arse. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:53 | |
-Name on cup? -Tom. | 0:01:55 | 0:01:57 | |
HE CHUCKLES | 0:01:58 | 0:02:01 | |
Ahh! | 0:02:08 | 0:02:10 | |
Oh, this is just beautiful. Ooh, very, very fragile. | 0:02:12 | 0:02:17 | |
They take over a week to make. | 0:02:17 | 0:02:19 | |
Goodness, goodness. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
Oh, this vase is just exquisite. | 0:02:21 | 0:02:24 | |
But if I put my hand around the neck, | 0:02:24 | 0:02:27 | |
I could just snap it off with one single swift downward motion. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:32 | |
Excuse me. It's you, isn't it? | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
You're Dame Judi Dench. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
We don't get many national treasures coming in this shop. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:39 | |
No, I wouldn't call myself that, I'm just a normal Dame of the Realm. | 0:02:39 | 0:02:44 | |
We did have another celebrity in here a couple of weeks ago, though. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:47 | |
-Guess who? -Oh, Simon Rattle. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:50 | |
Jonathan Miller. Ken Branagh. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:52 | |
Is it Ken Russell? Melvyn Bragg. | 0:02:52 | 0:02:54 | |
Bonnie Greer. Ewan McGregor, Darcy Bussell... | 0:02:54 | 0:02:58 | |
James May. | 0:02:58 | 0:03:00 | |
From Top Gear. | 0:03:00 | 0:03:01 | |
Can I get a picture with you? | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
-Of course. -Great. | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
My camera's up in the staffroom, | 0:03:07 | 0:03:08 | |
I'll have to leave you alone in the shop for about 60 seconds. | 0:03:08 | 0:03:11 | |
I'll be back in a minute. | 0:03:11 | 0:03:12 | |
All you have to do is stand here for one minute, Dame Judi. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
Nope. Control yourself. | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
Breathe. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:26 | |
SMASHING GLASS | 0:03:35 | 0:03:37 | |
-What?! -It was a whirlwind! | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
The door flew open! | 0:03:40 | 0:03:41 | |
I thought I was going to get carried away like Dorothy! | 0:03:41 | 0:03:44 | |
My hair, my hair! | 0:03:44 | 0:03:46 | |
It was blown everywhere! | 0:03:46 | 0:03:48 | |
I mean, how could a wind even get in here? | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
This isn't the time to ask questions, my dear. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:53 | |
You're in shock. Let me take that photo. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:56 | |
Look. One is left still standing. | 0:03:58 | 0:04:02 | |
It's like a miracle. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:03 | |
SMASH! | 0:04:05 | 0:04:06 | |
Oh, dear. | 0:04:08 | 0:04:09 | |
I'm so sorry. | 0:04:09 | 0:04:11 | |
You must let me pay for that. | 0:04:11 | 0:04:14 | |
Get the old chip and pin machine out. | 0:04:14 | 0:04:16 | |
You know, you can't be too careful about security these days. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:22 | |
Would you mind covering your eyes while I put in the numbers? | 0:04:22 | 0:04:25 | |
Excuse me, aren't you...? | 0:04:38 | 0:04:39 | |
I'm Helen Mirren, yes. | 0:04:39 | 0:04:41 | |
Leah! Can you please let us in?! | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
Tony's still stuck in reception. | 0:04:53 | 0:04:55 | |
Shouldn't we wait for him? Cos he is the first-aider on this floor. | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
He gave up that right when he left his lanyard at the launderette. | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
Right, brace yourselves. | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
Escape. Conceal. | 0:05:03 | 0:05:05 | |
Fight back. I will do the latter, because that's what I'm trained to do. | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
If an armed perpetrator gained access here, it would be... | 0:05:08 | 0:05:11 | |
-"Open season". -Well, that's not going to happen, is it? | 0:05:12 | 0:05:14 | |
I mean, we sell sanitary products. | 0:05:14 | 0:05:16 | |
OK, the shooter enters here. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:17 | |
First attack, whoever sits by the door. | 0:05:18 | 0:05:21 | |
-I sit by the door. -Bad luck. Boof, boof! | 0:05:21 | 0:05:24 | |
So, if you haven't escaped, concealed or shat yourself by now, | 0:05:24 | 0:05:27 | |
you might want to fight back. | 0:05:27 | 0:05:29 | |
Chairs. Printer. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
The stapler defence. | 0:05:31 | 0:05:33 | |
Oh, yes, this is a documented strategy. | 0:05:33 | 0:05:35 | |
Ten of these babies aimed at the reproductive area is no joke. | 0:05:35 | 0:05:39 | |
Someone stole my stapler. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:40 | |
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very funny, Gary, yeah. | 0:05:41 | 0:05:43 | |
Everyone likes a laugh, relieves the tension, | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
but if anybody knows who has Gary's stapler, they can hand it in to me, OK? | 0:05:45 | 0:05:50 | |
No judgment. Gary's family will thank you for it. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:54 | |
Here's what can happen if you don't have one. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:58 | |
RAPID GUNFIRE | 0:06:01 | 0:06:05 | |
Today, I shall do hilarious and also side-splitting | 0:06:07 | 0:06:11 | |
prank phone calls on some celebrity friends. | 0:06:11 | 0:06:15 | |
So, let's see who is for it today. | 0:06:15 | 0:06:19 | |
Dead. Dead. | 0:06:20 | 0:06:22 | |
Yewtree. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:26 | |
Dead. | 0:06:26 | 0:06:27 | |
Oh, here's one. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
Right... 1-2-9-4... | 0:06:29 | 0:06:32 | |
IN DEEPER VOICE: Hello, is that Alan Bennett? | 0:06:34 | 0:06:37 | |
Yes, I know you don't like being called during The X Factor. | 0:06:37 | 0:06:40 | |
But this is important. | 0:06:40 | 0:06:42 | |
I'm from the National Theatre, | 0:06:42 | 0:06:44 | |
we've been doing an audit of all the plays you've written for us, | 0:06:44 | 0:06:47 | |
and it seems lots of them are all about you, | 0:06:47 | 0:06:50 | |
which is a touchy lazy and frankly big-headed. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:53 | |
So we'd like all the money back. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:55 | |
No, don't cry. | 0:06:57 | 0:06:58 | |
No, I'm sure you'll find another way to pay for bicycle inner tubes and | 0:06:59 | 0:07:02 | |
library fines and... | 0:07:02 | 0:07:04 | |
Oh, dear. I may be too good at this. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:07 | |
It's all right. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:09 | |
Alan, it's Dame Maggie. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
So, don't... What do you mean, you knew? | 0:07:11 | 0:07:15 | |
Well, I disguised my voice. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
Yes, with my Oscar class acting skills. | 0:07:17 | 0:07:20 | |
No, no. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:22 | |
You did not punk me, Alan. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
Whatever that means. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:26 | |
I most certainly punked you. | 0:07:26 | 0:07:28 | |
So you can stick your hobnobs where the sun shall ne'er cast its rays. | 0:07:28 | 0:07:32 | |
Yes, I would be happy to meet you at Fortnum's on Sunday for tea. | 0:07:34 | 0:07:39 | |
Oh! | 0:07:40 | 0:07:41 | |
Well, that's something I shan't revisit, | 0:07:41 | 0:07:44 | |
like regional theatre or a chemical toilet. | 0:07:44 | 0:07:47 | |
Right, just relax, and imagine you are watching fish... | 0:07:50 | 0:07:54 | |
Living ones, not dead ones, | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
lying on a beach with flies laying little eggs in their eyes. | 0:07:57 | 0:08:01 | |
I never want to see you again. Get the hell out. | 0:08:03 | 0:08:06 | |
I'm talking to the toxins in your body. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:08 | |
That is what I think of that, you poxy piece of shit. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:15 | |
Again, I'm talking to the toxins. | 0:08:15 | 0:08:19 | |
I'm giving you a good pummelling, | 0:08:19 | 0:08:23 | |
like I am hitting an annoying guy who works in an exhaust centre, | 0:08:23 | 0:08:27 | |
who I saw flirting with a girl called Claire. | 0:08:27 | 0:08:29 | |
Just playing some music. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:39 | |
It might impress you, it doesn't impress me. | 0:08:39 | 0:08:43 | |
Oh, my God. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:46 | |
Your back muscles really are rather knotty. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:49 | |
Oh... | 0:08:51 | 0:08:52 | |
Yes. Yes, I think I've found your pressure points! | 0:08:52 | 0:08:57 | |
You may just feel some cleansing drops of salted water | 0:08:57 | 0:09:02 | |
falling on your back. | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
Now... | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
You are going to feel a Hawaiian massage... | 0:09:13 | 0:09:17 | |
which is rather more specialised. | 0:09:17 | 0:09:20 | |
Now I'm just going to leave you to relax for a mo. | 0:09:24 | 0:09:28 | |
And if you hear any sounds, it is both normal and in your imagination. | 0:09:31 | 0:09:39 | |
Oh, that's it! | 0:09:42 | 0:09:44 | |
There. That is perfect for a human rights conference in Inverness. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:55 | |
Nothing too sex machine. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:57 | |
We don't want Angelina Jolie to feel like the frumpster again. | 0:09:57 | 0:10:00 | |
Ja. Oh, it is freezing. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
What about my human rights to feel warm in August? | 0:10:02 | 0:10:05 | |
Scotland should have a referendum about that. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:10:08 | 0:10:10 | |
Ja? | 0:10:12 | 0:10:14 | |
Oh. OK. | 0:10:15 | 0:10:17 | |
Hold on one moment, I'll just check my diary. | 0:10:19 | 0:10:21 | |
-What is it? -Nicola Sturgeon. -Oh! What does she want? | 0:10:21 | 0:10:25 | |
To know what shade of beige I am wearing so she can copy it? | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
And the poufy hair and the boxy jackets. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:31 | |
It is so obvious that she's trying to flatter me into being her friend. | 0:10:31 | 0:10:34 | |
But it is creepy. | 0:10:34 | 0:10:36 | |
Who wants a friend who is ein doppelganger? | 0:10:36 | 0:10:38 | |
I have enough trouble with Hillary Clinton. | 0:10:38 | 0:10:40 | |
She says her make-up artist is stuck in a snowdrift. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:44 | |
She wants me to do her. | 0:10:44 | 0:10:45 | |
It's hard to say no, she is on the phone. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:48 | |
And Scotland has been through the mincer more times than a Burns night | 0:10:48 | 0:10:51 | |
haggis during the last six months. | 0:10:51 | 0:10:53 | |
Did she just say that to you? | 0:10:53 | 0:10:56 | |
Ja, ja, she just said that to me. | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
I don't know, I don't trust her. | 0:10:58 | 0:11:00 | |
She's after something. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:02 | |
Go, go, go, go. | 0:11:02 | 0:11:03 | |
Tell her nothing and then come back and tell me everything. | 0:11:03 | 0:11:08 | |
Ja, I think that will be fine. | 0:11:08 | 0:11:09 | |
Oh, it is a little early for schnapps. | 0:11:11 | 0:11:13 | |
Just... | 0:11:17 | 0:11:18 | |
KNOCK ON DOOR | 0:11:25 | 0:11:27 | |
Birgit, so good of you to come. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
Deep-fried Highland fudge? | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
Um, no, thank you. | 0:11:33 | 0:11:36 | |
So, what can I do for you? | 0:11:37 | 0:11:40 | |
Which jacket do you think is the most boxy? | 0:11:40 | 0:11:43 | |
Um... That one. | 0:11:44 | 0:11:45 | |
And could you make my hair a wee bit more poufy? | 0:11:46 | 0:11:49 | |
Yeah, of course. | 0:11:49 | 0:11:50 | |
And maybe a little beige on the cheeks. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:53 | |
Or any shade, you know. | 0:11:53 | 0:11:56 | |
What shade is Angela wearing just now? | 0:11:56 | 0:11:58 | |
Oh, you like Angela's style, ja? | 0:11:58 | 0:12:01 | |
Oh, aye, it's served her very well. | 0:12:01 | 0:12:04 | |
It has made her the most powerful woman in Europe. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:07 | |
But you and I both know, Birgit, that nothing lasts for ever. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
And soon the world will need someone else to fill those sexy court shoes. | 0:12:10 | 0:12:14 | |
You? What do you think of these? | 0:12:16 | 0:12:18 | |
Frau Sturgeon! | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
You are the Chancellor behind the Chancellor, Birgit. | 0:12:22 | 0:12:26 | |
I need you to achieve my dream. | 0:12:26 | 0:12:29 | |
But I could never leave Angela. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:32 | |
Merkel is finished. | 0:12:32 | 0:12:34 | |
She is yesterday's woman. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
You saw what I did to Alex Salmond. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:38 | |
I want you to work for me, Birgit. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
I'll look after you. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:41 | |
You live in only the nicest parts of Glasgow | 0:12:41 | 0:12:44 | |
and drink the finest Irn-Bru. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:46 | |
I really should be going. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
Why settle for a German Europe when you could have a Scottish world? | 0:12:50 | 0:12:55 | |
I've got a job interview. Wish me luck. | 0:13:02 | 0:13:05 | |
I'm sure you'll be fine. | 0:13:05 | 0:13:07 | |
I've always wanted to work in a play centre. | 0:13:07 | 0:13:08 | |
I know. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:12 | |
Shoes are a bit much. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:13 | |
You made me two hours late for my annual review this morning, Leah. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:23 | |
You know, you've been very tense with your co-workers lately, Jasmine. | 0:13:23 | 0:13:26 | |
I recommend a full psychological evaluation, cos this is how it starts, mate. | 0:13:26 | 0:13:31 | |
How what starts? | 0:13:31 | 0:13:33 | |
Right, everyone down on the floor! | 0:13:33 | 0:13:36 | |
Now! Get down! | 0:13:36 | 0:13:37 | |
EVERYONE SCREAMS | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
WHISPERING: We're in a code black. Everyone, focus. | 0:13:39 | 0:13:41 | |
Now, the three of you, there is a clear path to the storeroom. When you get there, Rachel, | 0:13:41 | 0:13:45 | |
climb out of the lavatory window and you are going to raise the alarm. | 0:13:45 | 0:13:48 | |
-But that window is tiny. -I've got your biometric measurements. | 0:13:48 | 0:13:50 | |
Trust me, you fit. OK... | 0:13:50 | 0:13:52 | |
Move! | 0:13:52 | 0:13:54 | |
And may your God go with you. | 0:13:54 | 0:13:56 | |
SHE SCREAMS | 0:14:10 | 0:14:13 | |
Do you know what I'm having for my lunch? | 0:14:18 | 0:14:21 | |
A smoothie. I made it in my smoothie maker. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:23 | |
Yeah. It's got kale in it. | 0:14:23 | 0:14:25 | |
It's got apple in it. It's got flaxseed in it. | 0:14:25 | 0:14:27 | |
You can put anything in it. Mmmm... | 0:14:27 | 0:14:28 | |
You can put spinach in it. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:30 | |
You can put banana in it. | 0:14:30 | 0:14:31 | |
You could put cashews in it. | 0:14:31 | 0:14:32 | |
You could put grapes in it. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:33 | |
Yeah. You can put chard in it. | 0:14:33 | 0:14:35 | |
Oh, hi. Yeah, it was just a query about the estimates that you'd sent through. | 0:14:35 | 0:14:40 | |
I just wondered, do they...? | 0:14:40 | 0:14:42 | |
LOUD WHIRRING | 0:14:42 | 0:14:45 | |
I'm just making one for you. It's got spinach in it. | 0:14:45 | 0:14:48 | |
It's got fig in it. It's got pear in it. | 0:14:48 | 0:14:52 | |
You can put anything in it. | 0:14:52 | 0:14:54 | |
Great. Thanks. | 0:14:54 | 0:14:56 | |
I'll... I'll drink it later. | 0:14:56 | 0:14:58 | |
I'm so sorry about that. | 0:14:59 | 0:15:01 | |
No, it was nothing important. | 0:15:02 | 0:15:04 | |
So, back to the estimates. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
Do you think that included input...? | 0:15:06 | 0:15:08 | |
LOUD WHIRRING | 0:15:08 | 0:15:11 | |
I'm just making your pudding. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:12 | |
Well? What did she say? | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
Not much. | 0:15:21 | 0:15:23 | |
Did she talk about me? | 0:15:23 | 0:15:25 | |
-Not really. -Did she want the beige cheeks and the poufy hair? | 0:15:25 | 0:15:30 | |
She has a very strong accent, I didn't really understand. | 0:15:30 | 0:15:34 | |
I should probably try and be nicer to her, after all, | 0:15:34 | 0:15:37 | |
Scotland did want to stay with us. Maybe we could be friends. | 0:15:37 | 0:15:41 | |
Ja. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:42 | |
-Was ist das? -She gave me a Loch Ness Monster fridge magnet. | 0:15:42 | 0:15:47 | |
Actually, it's three magnets that fit together to make one monster. | 0:15:47 | 0:15:50 | |
It's very clever. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:51 | |
Do you want it for your collection? | 0:15:54 | 0:15:56 | |
No. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:57 | |
What else did she give you? | 0:15:59 | 0:16:00 | |
I think she might have offered me a job. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:04 | |
What?! | 0:16:04 | 0:16:05 | |
I knew it. I'm going give that woman a Glasgow kiss. | 0:16:07 | 0:16:10 | |
Angela! Please! | 0:16:10 | 0:16:12 | |
If she wants independence, I'll make her head independent from her body. | 0:16:12 | 0:16:15 | |
Angela, I don't want everybody fighting over me. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:18 | |
KNOCKING | 0:16:21 | 0:16:23 | |
Open up! | 0:16:23 | 0:16:24 | |
Nein, this is not room service! | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
Why are you wearing my jacket?! | 0:16:30 | 0:16:31 | |
Hello? Anybody home? | 0:16:36 | 0:16:41 | |
Oh! Hey, Buddy. | 0:16:45 | 0:16:47 | |
Hello! | 0:16:50 | 0:16:52 | |
# The weekend's here, my work is done | 0:16:57 | 0:17:01 | |
# Some family time, some family fun | 0:17:01 | 0:17:05 | |
# But I might as well be on my own | 0:17:05 | 0:17:09 | |
# Cos the lights are on but nobody's home | 0:17:09 | 0:17:15 | |
# My son speaks a language I don't understand | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
# He's king of a country in some made up land | 0:17:19 | 0:17:23 | |
# Assassin's Creed and Destiny | 0:17:23 | 0:17:26 | |
# Resident Evil is living with me | 0:17:26 | 0:17:30 | |
# He's living in a virtual reality | 0:17:30 | 0:17:33 | |
# But what happens if he turns the computer on me? | 0:17:33 | 0:17:36 | |
# He thinks it's fantastic | 0:17:36 | 0:17:40 | |
# This world made of plastic | 0:17:40 | 0:17:43 | |
# But in my wallet and in my soul | 0:17:43 | 0:17:47 | |
# All that's left is one big hole! | 0:17:47 | 0:17:51 | |
# He's got it all, and then some | 0:17:51 | 0:17:54 | |
# But no room left for his poor mum | 0:17:54 | 0:17:58 | |
# I remember when it was David and me | 0:17:58 | 0:18:02 | |
# Nowadays, it's turned into David and i! | 0:18:02 | 0:18:06 | |
# iPhone, iPad, iWatch, iPaid | 0:18:06 | 0:18:10 | |
# Hoping, maybe, I'd get iLaid! | 0:18:10 | 0:18:13 | |
# Now he likes things hands free | 0:18:13 | 0:18:15 | |
# And so he never touches me | 0:18:15 | 0:18:16 | |
# And Siri seems to be the only one who'll ever talk to me... # | 0:18:16 | 0:18:20 | |
I'm sorry, I don't understand that command. | 0:18:20 | 0:18:23 | |
Aaargh! | 0:18:23 | 0:18:24 | |
# He thinks it's fantastic | 0:18:24 | 0:18:27 | |
# This world made of plastic | 0:18:27 | 0:18:31 | |
# And what about my daughter? | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
# She's a millionairess | 0:18:33 | 0:18:34 | |
# Four times logger, blogger, Twitter trending success | 0:18:34 | 0:18:38 | |
# OMG! What about me? | 0:18:38 | 0:18:41 | |
# She's just called security | 0:18:41 | 0:18:46 | |
# She thinks it's fantastic | 0:18:46 | 0:18:50 | |
# This world made of plastic | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
# She's a teenage YouTube queen | 0:18:53 | 0:18:56 | |
# Set to retire at 17 | 0:18:56 | 0:19:00 | |
# Is it me? Am I the freak? | 0:19:00 | 0:19:03 | |
# I miss the time when we'd just speak | 0:19:03 | 0:19:07 | |
# Finally, we're a family! # | 0:19:10 | 0:19:14 | |
Mum! | 0:19:14 | 0:19:16 | |
Mum! | 0:19:16 | 0:19:17 | |
-Oi! -DOG BARKS AND WHINES | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
Bernice, what greetings do you want on your West End theatre Christmas cards? Kenneth Branagh? | 0:19:24 | 0:19:29 | |
Love. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:31 | |
-Elaine Paige? -Love. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:33 | |
-Andrew Lloyd Webber? -No love. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
Sherry, Sherry, Sherry. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:36 | |
Here's my tea meeting, go away, you. | 0:19:36 | 0:19:39 | |
Don't you want me to stay and write down what's said? | 0:19:39 | 0:19:41 | |
No, Sherry, all respect, moronic. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:43 | |
Anna! Over here, darling. | 0:19:43 | 0:19:45 | |
Hi, you must be Bernice Ruben. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:48 | |
I saw you in your play, you were gorgeous up there on that stage. | 0:19:48 | 0:19:52 | |
Completely unrecognisable. | 0:19:52 | 0:19:55 | |
I love your coat. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:57 | |
-What is it? -Beast. | 0:19:57 | 0:19:59 | |
-Beast? -I don't know. | 0:19:59 | 0:20:01 | |
I wasn't there when they shot it. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:03 | |
OK, so tell me about you. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:05 | |
How come I've never heard of you? | 0:20:05 | 0:20:07 | |
I wasn't aware of being reclusive. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:12 | |
Funny. Funny is money. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 | |
So, you don't know me, because you don't travel in bigger circles, | 0:20:15 | 0:20:19 | |
but I'm an American theatre producer, | 0:20:19 | 0:20:22 | |
and I take London shows to New York, | 0:20:22 | 0:20:24 | |
and I want to move your show to Broadway. | 0:20:24 | 0:20:28 | |
That's wonderful. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:32 | |
I love a musical. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:34 | |
Oh, no, it's not a musical. | 0:20:34 | 0:20:36 | |
I wish you were in it more. | 0:20:36 | 0:20:37 | |
Well, it's A Midsummer Night's Dream, | 0:20:37 | 0:20:39 | |
so there are only so many scenes that Titania can be in. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:43 | |
Oh, it's Shakespeare. | 0:20:43 | 0:20:44 | |
Public domain. | 0:20:44 | 0:20:45 | |
We'll get one of my New York gay boy writers to re-arrange it a little. | 0:20:45 | 0:20:49 | |
And I'd like to bring in someone new for the score. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
Who did your version? | 0:20:51 | 0:20:52 | |
Felix Mendelssohn. | 0:20:52 | 0:20:54 | |
-The composer. -We can do better. | 0:20:55 | 0:20:57 | |
-Really? -We should amp up the cast. | 0:20:57 | 0:21:00 | |
In London, I brought over David Schwimmer as Oedipus Rex. | 0:21:00 | 0:21:05 | |
Oh! He had such a range. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:06 | |
He played neurotic, dejected and then a little more neurotic, dejected. | 0:21:06 | 0:21:11 | |
I brought over the cook from Happy Days in Death Of A Salesman. | 0:21:11 | 0:21:15 | |
His name is Al Molinaro, but nobody knows that, so I put on the poster, | 0:21:15 | 0:21:20 | |
"The cook from Happy Days in Death Of A Salesman." Oi! | 0:21:20 | 0:21:23 | |
Prince Philip was at the standby window, hoping for a ticket. | 0:21:23 | 0:21:26 | |
Sorry, Bernice, could I just...? | 0:21:28 | 0:21:30 | |
You have seen my production of Shakespeare's Midsummer Night's Dream using | 0:21:30 | 0:21:35 | |
Mendelssohn's original music. | 0:21:35 | 0:21:37 | |
You now want to change the script, throw out the score, | 0:21:37 | 0:21:41 | |
and replace the cast with inappropriate actors. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
Is there anything you'd like to keep? | 0:21:44 | 0:21:46 | |
Well, you. You're very talented right now. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:49 | |
-The title? -Midsummer, all caps, exclamation point. | 0:21:49 | 0:21:54 | |
OK, Bernice, I'm so sorry, | 0:21:54 | 0:21:57 | |
I have dreamed all my life of playing Broadway, | 0:21:57 | 0:22:01 | |
but I cannot disregard my ideas about taste and quality. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:08 | |
We of the British theatre are a different breed of cat. | 0:22:08 | 0:22:12 | |
Gross or net? | 0:22:21 | 0:22:23 | |
Net. | 0:22:23 | 0:22:24 | |
I knew it! I knew it! You're a doll. | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
All right, perimeter secure! | 0:22:33 | 0:22:34 | |
ALARM BLARES | 0:22:34 | 0:22:37 | |
Amazing, Leah. That disgruntled employee guy didn't know what hit him. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:40 | |
Did anybody see which direction he went in when he jumped out of the window? | 0:22:40 | 0:22:44 | |
No, we didn't see which direction he went in, | 0:22:44 | 0:22:45 | |
but he did leave this card which says, "Happy birthday, Leah." | 0:22:45 | 0:22:50 | |
Surprise, Leah. We wanted to get you something you'd really like. | 0:22:51 | 0:22:54 | |
Jasmine suggested a stripper, but we thought this would be much better. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:57 | |
Was that OK? It's normally wall-to-wall hen parties, | 0:22:57 | 0:23:00 | |
so this was quite a challenge. | 0:23:00 | 0:23:01 | |
Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's great, yeah. Thanks. | 0:23:03 | 0:23:05 | |
And it is all on the canteen security cameras, | 0:23:05 | 0:23:08 | |
and I've asked them to make you a copy. | 0:23:08 | 0:23:10 | |
Does anyone have a staple remover? | 0:23:10 | 0:23:12 | |
Hello. Are you cold? Would you like a cup of tea? | 0:23:20 | 0:23:23 | |
No, I'd like a shag. | 0:23:24 | 0:23:26 | |
Shag, late old English, meaning rough matted hair. | 0:23:28 | 0:23:31 | |
It's related to the Norwegian, Skeg. | 0:23:31 | 0:23:34 | |
I once skegged Warren Beatty, you know. | 0:23:34 | 0:23:36 | |
Famed Hollywood lothario. | 0:23:36 | 0:23:38 | |
These days, I couldn't get a fumble in a funfair. | 0:23:38 | 0:23:41 | |
Dr Germaine Greer. | 0:23:41 | 0:23:42 | |
Old woman. They've written me off, consigned me to intellectual purgatory, | 0:23:42 | 0:23:47 | |
just because I got old and because I kept shouting | 0:23:47 | 0:23:50 | |
that lopping off your dick didn't make you a woman. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
And now they've taken away my freedom pass. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:56 | |
UNINTELLIGIBLE MUMBLING | 0:23:56 | 0:23:57 | |
That's right, Jenny. He wouldn't have looked at me like that 20 years ago. | 0:23:57 | 0:24:01 | |
What is it, the grey pubic hair? | 0:24:01 | 0:24:02 | |
Or the fact that my nipples are on my hips? | 0:24:02 | 0:24:05 | |
I'm still in here, you know, in my halterneck and my cunsters. | 0:24:05 | 0:24:10 | |
That's Australian for short denim shorts. | 0:24:10 | 0:24:12 | |
Yes, I was the cause of much mental masturbation in my day, | 0:24:12 | 0:24:18 | |
and now I'm invisible. | 0:24:18 | 0:24:21 | |
Silenced. | 0:24:21 | 0:24:22 | |
No-one can hear my voice, you probably barely know I'm here. | 0:24:22 | 0:24:26 | |
I'll get the tube. | 0:24:27 | 0:24:28 | |
Thank you so much for asking me to do a reading. | 0:24:32 | 0:24:35 | |
I love John Betjeman. | 0:24:35 | 0:24:37 | |
I can't believe... | 0:24:37 | 0:24:39 | |
She's gone. I know. | 0:24:39 | 0:24:42 | |
I can't find the words either. | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
Well, I'll go and talk to the vicar. | 0:24:44 | 0:24:45 | |
# Here's the story of a late life romance | 0:24:52 | 0:24:55 | |
# 'Twixt a beauty and a very cutesy guy | 0:24:55 | 0:24:59 | |
# But his kids were kind of tricky | 0:24:59 | 0:25:03 | |
# Cos they wanted all his cash when he died | 0:25:03 | 0:25:06 | |
# The Murdoch Bunch | 0:25:06 | 0:25:08 | |
# The Murdoch Bunch, that's the way we all became the Murdoch Bunch.# | 0:25:08 | 0:25:14 | |
Coffee and cookies. | 0:25:15 | 0:25:17 | |
-I'm bored. -So am I. | 0:25:17 | 0:25:20 | |
Oh, liven up, you miserable bunch of lugs. | 0:25:20 | 0:25:23 | |
Why don't we all play a board game? | 0:25:23 | 0:25:25 | |
Quality family time, y'all. | 0:25:25 | 0:25:28 | |
After all, the media conglomerate dynasty that plays together, | 0:25:28 | 0:25:31 | |
stays together. | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
How about a game of Murdoch-opoly? | 0:25:33 | 0:25:35 | |
I'm in. Bagsy I get to be the top hat. | 0:25:35 | 0:25:38 | |
Now, James, you're the motor car. | 0:25:38 | 0:25:41 | |
Lachlan, you're the battleship. | 0:25:41 | 0:25:44 | |
Georgie, you can be the little doggy. | 0:25:44 | 0:25:46 | |
Elizabeth, you can be the wheelbarrow. | 0:25:46 | 0:25:48 | |
And Prudence, you're the old boot. | 0:25:48 | 0:25:51 | |
And I am the silver pussy. | 0:25:51 | 0:25:55 | |
You can say that again. | 0:25:55 | 0:25:57 | |
-Pussy. -Again. | 0:25:57 | 0:25:59 | |
-Pussy. -Meow! | 0:25:59 | 0:26:01 | |
-I'm the banker. -Not on your Nelly. | 0:26:02 | 0:26:05 | |
Booyah! I own that. | 0:26:05 | 0:26:07 | |
I own that. And I own that. | 0:26:07 | 0:26:09 | |
Right. I win. | 0:26:09 | 0:26:11 | |
-Game over. -Now, Rupie, | 0:26:11 | 0:26:13 | |
I say we're going to play with good old Texas values of decency, | 0:26:13 | 0:26:16 | |
respect and manners. | 0:26:16 | 0:26:18 | |
-I'm out. -Me too. -Yeah, me too. | 0:26:18 | 0:26:20 | |
Kids, do what your latest mother says! | 0:26:20 | 0:26:23 | |
OK, I'll go first. | 0:26:23 | 0:26:25 | |
Fleet Street, let's scrub that out for a start. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
Oh, you have been elected chairman of the board. | 0:26:27 | 0:26:30 | |
No way! That's totally unfair, dad! | 0:26:30 | 0:26:32 | |
You promised that to me, dad! | 0:26:32 | 0:26:33 | |
Lachlan is chairman of the board. | 0:26:33 | 0:26:36 | |
-What?! -I'm not Lachlan, I'm James. | 0:26:36 | 0:26:39 | |
Well, how am I supposed to know? | 0:26:39 | 0:26:41 | |
Remind me, which one of you two boys fucked up News International? | 0:26:41 | 0:26:44 | |
BOTH: He did. | 0:26:44 | 0:26:45 | |
I'm in jail. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:49 | |
No way. You are not going to jail. | 0:26:49 | 0:26:51 | |
-Neither am I. -Nor me. | 0:26:51 | 0:26:52 | |
We'll get Andy Colson to go for you. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:55 | |
Yay, I've inherited £100. | 0:26:55 | 0:26:57 | |
-Dad! -Dad! | 0:26:57 | 0:26:59 | |
I've had enough of this! | 0:26:59 | 0:27:02 | |
Come on, Jerry. Twerp for me. | 0:27:02 | 0:27:04 | |
It's called twerking, Rupie. | 0:27:04 | 0:27:07 | |
Whatever it is, just do it. | 0:27:07 | 0:27:08 | |
It makes my willy go all fizzy. | 0:27:08 | 0:27:11 | |
That's the ticket. | 0:27:11 | 0:27:13 | |
Boys, show your new mother some respect. | 0:27:13 | 0:27:15 | |
Put some cash in her bra. | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
Oh, that's it. | 0:27:17 | 0:27:20 | |
Family bonding time, y'all. | 0:27:20 | 0:27:21 | |
-Good day, Leah? -Yeah. | 0:27:25 | 0:27:27 | |
Showed them the "escape, conceal, fight back" video. | 0:27:27 | 0:27:30 | |
Foiled an attack. Got a selfie with the perpetrator. | 0:27:30 | 0:27:34 | |
Well, I say perpetrator... | 0:27:34 | 0:27:37 | |
It was only a drill. It was kind of a drill, you know. | 0:27:39 | 0:27:42 | |
-I didn't know you had arranged a drill. -Well, I hadn't. | 0:27:42 | 0:27:44 | |
It was a prank/drill. | 0:27:44 | 0:27:47 | |
-A prank? -Don't they have any idea? | 0:27:47 | 0:27:49 | |
I would rather they didn't have any idea, you know. | 0:27:49 | 0:27:51 | |
It's what I do, isn't it? Take the flak, cos they can't. | 0:27:51 | 0:27:54 | |
Oh! Almost forgot. | 0:27:56 | 0:27:57 | |
Ta-dah! | 0:28:00 | 0:28:02 | |
Eh? | 0:28:02 | 0:28:03 | |
Happy birthday, mate. | 0:28:03 | 0:28:06 | |
Oh, mate! Yeah. | 0:28:06 | 0:28:07 | |
-What did you wish for? -Same as always. A safer world. | 0:28:11 | 0:28:15 | |
Want to play escape, conceal, fight back? | 0:28:17 | 0:28:18 | |
You're on. | 0:28:21 | 0:28:22 | |
Three, two, one... | 0:28:24 | 0:28:26 | |
SHE YELLS | 0:28:26 | 0:28:29 |