Fags, Shags and Kebabs Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

# Hey, Mr Bartender, give me a drink

# I want a cold, wet glass with bubbles in it

# And that doesn't mean I can't handle anything stronger now

# Just think I'll wait a while

# I'll have a pint of lager, please

# And a pack of plain, please. #

-Gaz, why haven't you got a girlfriend?

-Cos I like my freedom.

I'm a man about town. A man of mystery. See all, say nothing.

Hey, yeah, that's just like me nan, you know.

Since her lobotomy, you know.

Sees all, says nothing.

Eats a bit of shepherd's pie, says nothing.

No, I go with the flow, keep it casual.

Single dude with his mind on his...

Food? If you were to go out with a woman, what would she be like?

Blonde. Definitely blonde. I've never dated a brunette in my life.

-How come?

-I had Sue Lawley nightmares as a child.

-Hmm.

-OK, so she's blonde. What else?

-Nice smile, well-stocked fridge.

Takes me to the pictures on me birthday.

Has a Ford Mondeo.

Lets me stay out as late as I want.

You've just described your mother.

Eurgh. Oh, no!

I'm picturing me mum naked now.

Eurgh! Eurgh! Get out!

-Eurgh!

-Oh, no, no! I am, as well! EURGH!

We look like we're auditioning for Rainman.

Maybe I should get myself a girlfriend.

Stick to your role as single friend so you can get me out of the house while Janet delouses the sofa.

I'll stick to my pornography. It won't embarrass me in the pub.

-Donna?

-No!

Why?

-Janet?

-No.

-Why? I'm a student.

-I can't afford cigarettes.

-Get a job, Louise, then you can finance your own lung cancer.

-I've never had a job.

-Like the Queen?

-Yeah, but with better hair.

-There's a job going here. You'd make a great barmaid, being Australian.

-I'm English.

-Your capacity for alcohol confuses me sometimes.

You're right. I'd make a great barmaid, even without experience.

More wine, gentlemen? Oh, capital idea. Cinzano, ladies?

You're spoiling us! Here's 20 quid!

Louise, it's a job in the Mayhew. People here are happy if their beer doesn't taste too much like beef.

I'm going to apply and be the best barmaid you've ever seen

-and then I'll buy us all fags.

-I'd better get off.

Jonny'll be home soon.

-I wish I had a boyfriend.

-You could easily get a boyfriend.

-What about that Colin?

-What, the drain guy?

"I like you. You're like a rat. It's all in the face!" There are no men left.

-You can find one on every street corner.

-No, that's whores, Janet.

-Why don't you come home with me? Jonny brings his mate Gaz back on a Thursday.

-Is he nice?

He's a bit thick and very masculine, so commitment might be a problem.

-But Jonny did say he was hung like a donkey.

-Sounds all right, then.

I've got an interview tomorrow. Pernod and black, ladies?

No!

-How did you keep Jonny?

-I got into his head,

a bit of male psychological manipulation.

And getting my baps out didn't do any harm either.

-Hiya.

-All right?

-Hello.

-Hello, baby.

-Hiya, Donna. Gaz, you haven't met Donna, have you?

-No.

-You picked us up from football once.

Right! Didn't recognise you without the BO.

So, are you still into your football, then?

I don't play as much since the injury.

-It was only a bruise.

-The doctor said I had a strained bollock.

Yes, that's the medical term for it.

-Donna loves football, don't you?

-Man United - away the Toon Army.

That's Newcastle.

You didn't let me finish. The Toon Army...stinks.

-I don't like Newcastle either.

-There's no Miss Selfridges there.

Ignore him. He hasn't got a clue about football. ..God, I'm starving.

-We should've picked up that curry.

-Donna likes a curry. ..Don't you?

Vindaloo, yeah, with pickled whole chillies on the side.

Christ! I wouldn't like to see your bathroom the next morning.

No, not at all. Arse of steel, me.

She could pass a cruise liner, could our Donna.

-I'm impressed.

-Really?

-Yeah?

It's always impressive to men when a girl's skill lies in crapping.

-And she can drink too, can't you, Don?

-Oh, aye, yeah. Five pints, still standing.

-Five pints ain't that much.

-Did I say five? I meant five...teen pints.

What a great bloke.

You're not gay, are you, love?

No.

-Celibate?

-No.

-That is something you don't want to be doing.

Once you dry up, it never comes back.

I've got no intention of drying up.

Your Auntie Betty, the nun, creaks when she walks now.

Remember cousin Jade's christening? Betty, late, running into the church,

sounded like a seal sanctuary!

Well, I'm not gay or celibate or creaky.

What is it, then? Do you just repel men?

-I've got a date.

-Don't wound me with your desperate lies. A mother knows.

-I'm not lying.

-So what's his name?

It's...Gaz.

Gaz?

My God. Sebastian or Toby too much to ask for?

-They're labrador names.

-Beggars can't be choosers!

Janet? It's me. ..Yeah, right. I need a man. ..Well, what about Gaz?

That's my first question answered. What?

Do you smoke? I've not got a habit, or anything.

You've already smoked that down to the filter!

I was finishing it for a friend. But there's no-one else here.

Either you have smoked that cigarette in 30 seconds flat or you've picked an old butt out of the ashtray...

I see. Listen...can we start again, please?

OK. First question. Do you smoke? No.

OK. Have you ever worked in a bar before?

Not exactly, but I used to play netball.

Excuse me?

Teamwork!

See?

We've got lots of candidates to... SHE WHINES

That means you hate me.

And I'm so nice. Listen, I really need this job. I'm a student.

We need experience, a team player. Ah-ha!

Yeah, lovely. Please, I can't afford to eat.

This should keep you going for an hour or so.

-Oh!

-Here you are.

-Ah.

Gaz and Donna got on well, didn't they?

I am not setting them up. Gaz does not want a girlfriend, end of story.

-If you don't do this for me, then...I will cry.

-Go on, then.

-Well, OK.

-All right.

MOCK SOBBING

SHE WAILS

Jonny, look what you're doing! Look at...!

SHE SCREECHES

No crying in the kitchen. You'll upset my cosmic balance.

Until you ask Gaz out, I am not going to have sex with you.

-Janet, you know I can hold out longer than any other man I know.

-Yeah, I know.

Look, I don't want Gaz to go out with Donna.

It'll be Scrabble evenings and fondue parties and you'll follow us around making us biscuits.

But you love biscuits.

-We can go to the circus together, it'll be fun.

-No, it won't.

We'll turn into coupley couples.

I saw it happen to my mum and dad and Mr and Mrs Pritchard.

First came rambling weekends and museum visits,

and then they met these other couples and started this weird car key swapping thing.

That WAS a joke, wasn't it?

-What's so funny about driving someone else's car?

-Nothing.

-Jonny's definitely gonna ask Gaz, then?

-Definitely.

-Or I'll tell Gaz what his favourite film is.

-What is it?

-Titanic. I don't know if it's the sentimentality or Kate Winslet's tits, but he's seen it 17 times.

-17?

-That's more times than I've seen naked men.

-How many have you seen?

-16 and a half.

-Half?

-He only had one bollock.

-Nice.

With my expert blackmailing skills and Jonny's powers of persuasion, the date is as good as secured.

-Gaz?

-Yeah?

-D'you wanna go out with Donna?

-No.

-Pint, then?

-Yeah.

-Two pints of lager.

-And a packet of crisps, please.

-Excuse me?

-Yeah?

-Did Louise get the job?

-No.

-Why not?

She had a great set and fantastic ball skills, but she was a complete dickhead.

She wants to be noted for her talents rather than her...huge CV.

-How impressive(!)

-She puts out for a bag of peanuts.

What does this Gaz boy do, then?

Is he a doctor? You girls with your modern ways only get to meet doctors.

-I don't know any.

-What about when you went to Dr Brent for your knicker trouble?

-Mum, firstly, I was 13.

Secondly, the problem was thrush.

The only knicker trouble was the nylon variety you insisted I wear.

You don't want to get a chill down there. And don't say thrush.

Say, "Little bird."

Although mine was more like the greater burning yeast pigeon.

You'll never get a man with a mouth like a hairy arsed navvy.

I told you already. I've got a date.

-I asked Gaz, he said no.

-Why are you so against seeing our friends happy?

I'm not. Gaz is very happily jerking his gherkin in his flat as we speak.

-How d'you know? You can be too close to a person.

-Well, Hollyoaks is on.

-OK.

More peanuts?

-What star sign are you?

-Aries. The ram, of course.

It says here you are ruthless, ambitious and sporty.

-Sounds about right.

-And that your best feature is your perfect bosom.

-Belters, aren't they?

-All right!

-I told you you could be too close to a person?

-This is the boys' pub!

-BOTH: No girls allowed!

-Gaz, go on this date.

-No.

-Pint, then?

-Yeah.

Oh, come on Gaz. Donna's great for you.

-She's strong and feminine...

-Like a really good deodorant?

-Like Susan Sarandon.

-Susan Sarandon, ginger pubes - end of story.

-She can cook.

-So can Gary Rhodes. ..I'm not attracted to Gary Rhodes.

If he could clean as well I'd slip him one.

Please. I'll do whatever you want.

-If Jonny doesn't mind...

-Go for it.

-Not that!

-You have nothing I want.

I have a signed photo of Adam Woodyatt!

No. Although very generous.

Oh, come on, Gaz, I've promised her now.

-She puts out for a bag of peanuts.

-Does she?!

-No!

-Jonny, what's your favourite film again?

-Goodfellas.

-Oh, really? You see, I seemed to think that it was...

Gaz, you should go out with her. It's only one night.

OK, but if she offers me a Woodbine or scratches her balls, I'm off.

-The other night, she was trying to impress you cos she fancies you so much.

-No girls allowed.

-All right!

So, she really fancies me.

Donna fancies me loads.

I'm sorry, mate, I just...

-What is that look on your face?

-I'm smug, Jonny.

I'm really smug.

-What are you wearing?!

-My dress for my date.

My God! I thought it were one of my housecoats.

-I have also had my hair done.

-Yes, I think it looks rather...

-What?!

Like a cat's been sick on it?!

-No, I think it looks rather nice, actually.

-Oh, well, thank you.

Mind, if I were you I'd have asked them to hide my ears.

-Just wish me luck.

-Remember, use the Morgan family charm.

-Our second name's Henshaw.

Yeah, but that Marie Morgan you used to play with, she were lovely.

There you go.

Two pints of Guinness. I told you I'd make a great barmaid.

It's like drinking a cloud.

Thank you. I'll stand here and listen to what you're saying about me.

-Louise, can you just go and get me a Cinzano?

-My first Cinzano! Ice and lemon?

-We don't care if you put arse in it! Just go.

-We have amusing straws.

-Go!

Just go. We are the couples and no singles allowed.

What is wrong with you? You look like you've started your period.

It's good all this double dating, innit?

Great! A round is twice as expensive, we have to talk about emotions,

and we can't stare at other women's tits. Fantastic!

-You're ruining this.

-That's the plan.

-We don't have to talk about emotions.

-We can talk football.

Because you're such a big United fan, aren't you, Donna?

-I'm a City fan myself, so...

-Well, they're...nice.

-How long have you been supporting United then, Donna? I'd love to know.

-Jonny!

-Since I was seven.

-Oh, right, so that would be, what? 1985.

Yeah. Who was the star player back then? I can't remember.

Well, that would be Jonny...

..van der...Gaz.

Jonny van der Gaz?!

-Can we talk about something else?

-Oh, OK. Donna, your last boyfriend,

-he dumped you?

-But who am I to argue with men in small shorts?!

-Yeah.

-What did you do?

-Got on with my life. Don't let the bastards grind you down.

You got on with your life,

-after you'd slept with his best mate and killed his budgie.

-Stop it!

It wasn't me who killed the budgie, Jonny, it was the Domestos.

-What are you acting so weird for?

-If you don't stop, I'm going.

-Donna,

what about the time when you drank so much Vermouth your wee turned black?

-I'd love to explore that in more depth.

-That's it. I'm going!

-Er...films.

-Everybody likes films.

-Who's your favourite, Pacino or de Niro?

-He hates brunettes.

Who's your favourite, Solskjaer or Owen?

-I'd have to say Michael Owen.

-Why?

-Michael Owen...

-Yes?

-..has a lovely, lovely smile.

Ha!

-We should do this again.

-I get it.

You're getting to know each other.

You're gonna move to suburbia and have tiny little babies.

You are set for a life of Ikea, weird parent-style sex and Boggle!

OK? I can't watch this any more.

It's over between you and me, Gaz. It's over.

You can take this cheap piece of tin I bought off you!

Heed my words. A relationship arising out of a blind date is doomed!

-I don't feel too doomed.

-Me neither.

All right. Whose undies would you prefer to eat? David Hasselhof's or Peter Stringfellow's?

Peter Stringfellow wears a G-string, so I could floss my teeth with them.

It would also make an interestingly flavoured alternative to gum.

Where would you prefer to be? The cup final, or here with me?

Cup final.

You'd prefer to be at the cup final?

-Of course.

-Whenever I meet a nice man, football gets in the way.

You sound like Graham Le Saux!

Don't go! It depends what the seats were like!

I beg your pardon?! Come on. Your mates said.

It'll only take 20 seconds. I'm fat, desperate and inexperienced.

I quit! I can't believe someone like me would want to work in this dump in the first place you...sheister!

I'm worth a bag of peanuts, love!

Fancy a mouthful of salty nuts?

-All right?

-Hiya. Where's Gaz?

Hopefully lying in a pool of vomit somewhere being buggered by Mr T.

What did he do? I mean, Face or Hannibal maybe, but Mr T?

Just once in my short, sexually unsatisfying life, I thought I'd met someone who could...

-Give you one?

-No! I just wanted what you've got.

Somebody who gives you toast the morning after instead of crabs.

Now, you and Janet, you were meant to be.

You've got something special there,

and to live with each other and bounce back after all those setbacks and to just love each other.

Not for me. I have to resign myself to married bouncers with perms,

endlessly waiting for the cold fingers of death to grip my heart

and end the loneliness that's curdled the milk of my life.

-Usual, love?

-Cheers, Haman. Thanks.

Look, whatever Gaz said I'm sure he didn't mean it.

-He'd rather go to the cup final than be with me.

-Oh, well, maybe he did mean it,

but you should never ask a man that question again.

It's the cup final!

You could tell he liked you,

-Really?

-Yeah. Don't ruin something that could be really special.

Look, I'll give you his number.

-There you go.

-You know what, Jonny?

What?

Janet's really lucky. Thanks.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Thank God for Jonny, eh?

-I'm sorry.

-That's all right.

-Relationships, eh?

-Monogamy should be obsolete.

-I like that concept.

If you wanted to sleep with someone, you could just say it.

That's an excellent, excellent brain you've got there.

And nobody would use the C word.

We've got to have a pet name for the Leeds United fans.

Commitment!

Donna...I think I'm not falling in love with you.

D'you want some wine? It's Blue Nun.

I've had enough. Coffee, though.

What's this?

Er...that...that...that, er...

That would be porn, yeah.

Jonny was right. There are no good men out there.

-Don't tell me you're against pornography?!

-I'm fine with porn.

I'm not fine with enough porn to keep the entire British forces from missing their girlfriends.

It's not mine. I'm looking after it for a friend.

Who's your friend? Hugh Heffner?!

It's just pictures. It's art.

Art? Half a sheep in formaldehyde is art!

You're a dirty little scumbag

and you're not fit to lick my boots...!

Oh, my God! You're getting turned on by this, aren't you?

No, Mistress.

I was so wrong about you.

Yeah, you were. Leave me to clean up my porn in peace.

I'm off, you slug, with your porn, your teeth, your hair, your lovely tight jeans and your...

-Porn?

-And your porn. I'm off!

-Fine!

-Fine!

-Fine!

-Well, I'm going!

-Good!

-Unless you want to shag me first!

-I do.

-Come on, then!

Eurgh! Jonny, I think I've mutated.

That's just minced-up cow's guts. It'll come off.

That's all right, then. Why didn't you follow me out the pub? Most boyfriends would have done.

I could've been raped or pillaged, whatever pillaging is.

I think they stick something hot in your ear.

You ruined their chances so you and Gaz can do your own coupley things.

Why don't you move in with Gaz? I bet he can't lick his own nipples.

-It was really cruel of you.

-Can I get a word in?

-PHONE RINGS

-Hello. ..Yeah, Donna, hiya. I know.

Bloody Jonny. I've had a word...

What? Did he? ..What, Jonny did?

Did you?! You dirty, dirty girl!

Two hours?! No way! I bet his face was sore.

I don't need to say anything.

I'm the hero...and I want my reward.

You know what to do.

MUSIC ON TV: "My Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion

He really has left me. He's not been back all night.

-I should've taken his bastardry more seriously.

-There, there.

He's probably shacked up with some aerobics instructor who actually cleans the oven!

He's probably just been run over or something.

Subtitles by Neil Gemmill BBC Scotland - 2001

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