Final UK's Best Part-Time Band

This programme contains some strong language.

Hello...hello, Manchester!

This is the catchily titled UK's Best Part-Time Band The Final.

'This is no run-of-the-mill talent show.'

There's no recording contract.

There's no Christmas number one.

Well, there is this.

Blue Peter toilet roll home-made trophy.

There are over 10,000 part-time bands in the UK,

working men and women who spend their evenings and weekends

folking, funking and hip-hopping

in pubs and clubs up and down the country

to escape the nine-to-five grind.

MUSIC: You Really Got Me by The Kinks

The BBC hooked me up with a knackered old rattle van,

and I've clocked up over 1,500 miles,

touring the UK with three musical superheavyweights...

..silky smooth Soul II Soul legend, Jazzie B...

Are we there yet?

..bristly beard of bass,

New Order and Joy Division co-founder, Peter Hook...

-SIRENS WAIL

-There we go, it's starting already. We've got the police behind us.

Have you brought the heat on us?

..and Brave 'Tache himself,

Ultravox frontman Midge Ure.

Do you ever slightly resent Bob Geldof

for getting more of the attention on Band Aid and stuff?

Well, he's Bob.

What's not to resent?

THEY SING ALONG

Like musical customs officers, we've snapped on our rubber gloves

and searched every nook and cranny...

I've never had so many men in my bedroom.

..to find men and women who play music

for the sheer bloody love of it.

It's definitely not for the money or the glory.

Tonight, six finalists will perform to a 1,000-strong Manchester crowd

who will decide...

The UK's Best Part-Time Band.

This programme contains some strong language.

1,200 bands entered this competition a few months ago.

There are six left.

1,200 to six.

The last few months has been like a musical equivalent

of fucking Zulu. LAUGHTER

We've covered more ground than Meatloaf's picnic blanket.

And after three regional heats,

each legend picked their two favourite bands for tonight's final.

In Belfast, Midge bit off the finest

from Scotland, Northern Ireland and Wales.

The explosive ska of Bombskare...

SONG: Crime Of The Century

..and rock and roll mangemongers Johnny Cage and the Voodoo Groove.

SONG: Jockey Full Of Bourbon

I mean, I haven't seen the rest yet, but between my two guys,

it's going to be a fight to the death.

Sheffield saw Hooky land his two favourite Northern bands.

SONG: Beautiful People

Spit-spattered punks Cadavers...

SONG: Don't You Want Me

..and the sun-drenched harmonies of The Caffreys.

You couldn't meet two acts so dissimilar.

They've both got the power and the presence to make it.

While in London, Jazzie rooted out the best from the south.

Meaty garage punks King Salami...

SONG: Do The Wurst

..and dub reggae dudes Dubheart.

SONG: Cool Under Pressure

I think there will be rivalry, especially with me and Midge.

Forget the fun, we're going out there to win, fella!

THEY LAUGH

Winning is always fun.

Now the six bands will follow in the footsteps

of the Beatles, REM, The Smiths and the Stone Roses,

and play the legendary Manchester Ritz.

Each band has just two songs, a cover version and an original,

and it's going to be vital to grab the voting audience

by the super furries.

We're going to decide the eventual winner

on your vote in the room tonight.

Don't get too excited, though - there is no prize.

There is shit all. Give me an S...

-LAUGHTER

-S!

-Give me an H!

-H!

-Give me an I!

-Brilliant.

-What have you got?

-Shit all!

Shit all, that's right, that's what these bands are playing for tonight.

Please welcome, all the way to the stage,

Mr Peter Hook, ladies and gentlemen.

MUSIC: Love Will Tear Us Apart by Joy Division

Joy Division, New Order, Peter Hook And The Light...

He's done it all.

So, ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for your first band?

OK.

It was an intimate space where we saw the band.

It was in Wallsend near Newcastle.

CHEERING

Peter and I sat in their kitchen while they played.

And it was, er...

Well, how was it for you, Peter?

It was wonderful for me.

It was like being French kissed in the ear by an angel.

# Well, I'm up on a hill... #

Hooky thought he'd found potential winners

when The Caffreys played an acoustic set in the Wallsend Arena,

AKA lead singer Phil's kitchen.

# Even though you've been treating me bad

# Not believing what I'm telling you. #

You do sound very, very accomplished, I must admit.

-Thanks!

-Thanks.

-Each of you just plays exactly

the right thing at the right moment.

I've been tapping my feet along,

and it's so subtle and everything's so carefully arranged,

and I thought, "Christ, I'm actually part of the band."

THEY LAUGH

# You need a shoulder to cry on. #

Did you hear that? # Cry on. #

Music teacher Phil and older brother Pete, a retired decorator,

started singing together so long ago,

Mozart was on the cover of Smash Hits.

That is probably 1959, 1960.

Look at me there!

In the '70s, when hair was still in fashion,

the sexagenarian brothers had a brush with fame

with their band Arbre.

MUSIC: Senorita by Arbre

People likened us to the Geordie Beach Boys,

the Geordie Bee Gees.

We've always been more of an American sound.

To be honest, punk came along and that was our demise, in a way.

-You look a bit like Lemmy!

-Way! Happy days.

I would love to have gone further.

But it wasn't meant to be.

-Punk came along.

-Mmm.

-Ruined everything, you lot.

Yeah, it was me. I feel really bad.

Maybe now I can pull them,

like a phoenix rising from the ashes.

-You owe it to them.

-I can right that wrong.

At rehearsals in Manchester, Phil, Pete, guitar teacher David,

along with husband and wife,

bassist Michael and accordionist Rachael,

had the chance to pick what's left of Hooky's brain.

-How are we doing?

-We're looking forward to tomorrow.

I think you'll do well, I mean, you know,

-you've got a wonderful sound.

-Thank you.

Are you starting with yours first?

We'll start with the cover, is that OK?

Yeah, of course, it is, mate.

-As long as I know, you know, so I can tell which one.

-Yeah.

-THEY LAUGH

-Ready?

# Billie Jean is not my lover

# Billie Jean is not my lover, baby

# Billie Jean is not my lover. #

Interesting that that sounds quite rocky.

I think that the song that you played in Sheffield

-is obviously very much you, with the harmonies and stuff.

-Yeah.

-Now, I'd say that Billie Jean...

-Yeah.

-...is a little bit too rocky.

-Yeah.

Also, on the bridge, you're missing one vital ingredient.

Just play us the bridge.

# People always told me

# Be careful what you do

# Don't go around breaking young girls' hearts... #

# Eee! #

You cannot leave that out.

-I'll do it, then.

-That'll be Rachael's job...

-You'll do it?

-I'll do it.

-All right, OK.

I think the wonderful thing in Sheffield,

when they did Human League cover,

was the harmonies really brought the song out

and made it, you know, really immediate to people.

And I think they've gone the opposite way with Billie Jean.

And, erm...I think it...

You know, it might cost them.

-Hello, The Caffreys.

-Yeah.

-Hello.

-Congratulations, welcome.

-Thank you. And you.

So, what's happening? Cover version, what have you got?

-We've got Billie Jean.

-Wow.

I mean... Listen, hey, I'm up for it. I'm ready.

You think they made the wrong song choice?

No, it's not the song choice, it's the treatment.

-It's a bit heavy. It doesn't sound Caffrey enough.

-Yeah.

-Can I hear a little bit?

-Yeah.

Just a snapshot.

Two, three, four.

# People always told me

# Be careful what you do

# Don't go around breaking young girls' hearts

# Oo-ooh

# Mother always told me

# Be careful who you love

# Be careful what you do

# The lie becomes the truth Hey... #

That's enough. I want to keep something for tomorrow night.

Don't forget the... # Aah. #

I love the arrangement. I love the groove on it, I love it.

It feels really warm. I think the harmonies are amazing.

-I disagree with you totally.

-Good.

-You dickhead.

-That's what I'm here for.

They've been going for years. They started in 1959.

I'm a 63-year-old man, me memory goes sometimes.

I'll try and remember.

# Oo-ooh! #

Ladies and gentleman, give it up.

Let's keep all the love in the room, all the energy,

-for The Caffreys!

-The Caffreys!

-The Caffreys.

-Thank you.

As Hooky's first band kick things off,

Midge and Jazzie will hear what their bands are up against.

# Getting tired of the way we fight

# Getting tired cos things aren't right

# But I just don't give in

# Even when you want to criticise

# Even when you want to tell me lies

# But you just don't give in

# I keep running round in circles

# I can't find the door

# And my heart is on fire

# In my mind there is a wall

# I keep bleeding with you

# But you just don't...

# You just don't

# Get it

# Doo doo Doo doo doo

# Yeah, yeah

# Doo doo Doo doo doo

# Yeah

# Doo doo Doo doo doo

# Ooh

# Doo doo Doo doo doo

# I keep bleeding with you

# But you just don't

# You just don't

# You just don't

# Get it. #

Thank you!

Listen, I had goose bumps.

That vocal quality, the grit,

that tone what he's got.

-What a great night, eh?

-And with his brother on the harmony.

It had the melody, it had the story, everything.

# She was more like a beauty queen from a movie scene

# I said don't mind But what do you mean

# I am the one

# Who will dance on the floor in the round

# She told me her name was Billie Jean

# She caused a scene

# Then every eyes dreamed of being the one

# Who will dance on the floor in the round

# People always told me be careful what you do

# Don't go around breaking young girls' hearts... #

He didn't do it!

# Be careful who you love

# Be careful of what you do

# The lie becomes the truth Hey!

# Billie Jean is not my lover

# She's just a girl who claims that I am the one

# But the kid is not my son

# Billie Jean is not my lover

# Billie Jean is not my lover. #

-CHEERING

-Thank you!

Was that the right song choice?

Not for me, no. I thought he played down the harmonising,

which was such a strength of theirs.

Thank you!

Yeah, you know, he wanted to do that, he wanted to enjoy himself.

-He wanted a gamble.

-He wanted a gamble.

He should have been singing a Doobie Brothers song,

he should have had a song that he could show off that vocal quality.

They're obviously great songwriters.

You heard his voice, it's real quality.

I kept saying to you, "It's quality."

-It is.

-"It's absolute quality."

And I'm, you know, I'm sitting here

going, "Well, let's hear it for the old bald guys."

Once we'd started, you just don't know,

it went quiet and they were on and on.

I thought, "We've got a chance here to get them."

And we did in my opinion.

I think we all agree we did the best we could.

-Definitely.

-It's in the lap of the gods now.

-Yeah, yeah.

Please welcome Jazzie B from Soul II Soul,

ladies and gentlemen.

MUSIC: Back To Life by Soul II Soul

So, the next band.

They're reggae, right?

And taking Jazzie B into somebody's house

where they're going to play reggae for him...

If you know anything about Jazzie B's, kind of,

where his heart lies musically and his history,

then that was a nerve-racking moment for me,

cos if he hadn't liked it, we were in somebody's lounge.

LAUGHTER

But luckily...

I loved them.

CHEERING

Easy, lads. Easy, lads. Let's do it.

Rastafari, bless.

It's impossible to deny these guys. They're fantastic.

The band's name is Dubheart. Remember them.

MUSIC: A Hard Day's Night by Dubheart

Dubheart are based in Bournemouth,

a town known more for blue rinses than dreadlocks,

more Des O'Connor than Desmond Dekker.

# Whoa!

# It's been a hard day's night... #

Despite my concerns about how Jazzie would receive them,

the band won us over

in Bournemouth's answer to the Kingston Dub Club -

keyboard player Dave's front room.

# You're gonna be all right. #

Your neighbours must hate you.

We don't play...we don't play...

I bet they were all thinking when you played the Beatles,

like, "At last! Fucking one we know."

It sounds really good, guys.

-Really, really good.

-Thanks! Thanks, Jazzie.

Anybody's coming with me reggae,

you've got to hit one out of the box, you feel me?

And you did it.

With the band's mix of decorators, sound engineers,

Co-op workers and gardeners taking over his lounge to rehearse,

Dave hasn't been able to shampoo his carpet for 18 years.

This is quite a small scene in Bournemouth.

It's kind of difficult.

This opportunity that came our way and we thought we'd take it.

It means so much to me.

It's my reason to really live, you know, other than my son,

do you know what I mean, I've got Dubheart.

And I love the music we make.

Like a nice, nice change to hear a real roots band playing

for the love of music.

But in yesterday's rehearsal,

Jazzie wanted to make sure the band would play to the crowd

and be a bit more jazz hands.

-OK.

-Yeah, man.

-Yes, Isis.

-All right, man?

What we should try to do is somehow throughout the performance,

cos it's only two songs we're going to be playing,

so we have to clap them from the top. You see me?

It's really important that there's going to be a level of animation...

-Yeah.

-..however we want to take it.

A little bit of theatre.

-Eyes up.

-Right.

-Yeah, yeah.

No looking down.

We want to look at the audience,

-so, as the heart is dubbed, we dub their heart.

-Yeah.

-Forget the fun, we're going out there to win, fella!

-THEY LAUGH

Winning is always fun.

Rewind...

-Who's the man?

-Don't mind me, Jazzie.

Oh! This is Rhod.

-Hey!

-What's happening?

Smells quite ripe in here, lads, I have to say.

Yeah, real, real, real heartbeat.

How are they looking?

Yeah, we've made a couple of calls.

Added a few little bits and pieces.

MUSIC: Good Thing Going by Dubheart

In Dave's lounge with a crowd of two,

their Beatles cover had stormed it,

so I was keen to hear Dubheart's song choices

for the Manchester final.

MUSIC DROWN HIS SINGING

-Yes, Dubheart! Yeah.

-That's all right?

You look more, erm...animated and sort of, erm...

Yeah, yeah, yeah... That was one of the guidelines.

Once the audience are involved, that makes you feel better.

It brings the sound out a little bit better, as well,

-and all are heads up.

-Yeah, yeah.

Who'd have thought it? Dubheart - eyes and teeth.

THEY LAUGH Eyes and teeth, lads! Eyes and teeth!

All the way from Bournemouth...

CHEERING

-Give it up, ladies and gentlemen, it's Dubheart!

-Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, how we doing?

Yeah!

# Long time

# To put right

HE SCATS

# It's been a long time It's a good sign

HE SCATS

# It's been a long time

# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Too much time

# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# Long, long-a, long-a, long

# It's been a long, long time

# Never no way We never give up the fight

# Manchester Are you feelin' all right?

# Put your heart in this tonight

# Go!

CHEERING

# Whoa!

# Whoa!

# Who-o-oa!

-# Who-o-oa!

-I said, whoa!

# Whoa!

# Who-o-oa!

# Who-o-oa!

# It's been a long time Too much time

HE SCATS

# It's been a long time

# Too much time. #

CHEERING

And what was important that you saw a reaction from them

in terms of the whole band.

And if we didn't have that conversation yesterday

about them engaging the audience,

I'm not so sure the type of performance we just saw

would've happened.

I want to see everyone's hands in the air.

# See that girl

# She got something to my chemistry

# And when I'm close

# I'm sure she raise my temperature by three degrees

# For we've got a good thing going

# A real good thing going, yeah

# That girl and me

# It's a swing-swing dubber that she want

# It's a swing-swing dubber that she need

HE SCATS

# Are you ready?

# To run with me

# Oh

# We've got it good so let's get it on

# Let's get it on, let's get it on. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

The Manchester audience will pick the winner

but after just two acts, it's already the toughest challenge

since I tried to give Morrissey a bite of my Whopper.

-Did you enjoy that?

-I did actually, very, very much.

They were very, very good.

A band is a unit that really works together well.

-They worked together really well.

-So tight.

Everyone, I could see the good things going,

happiness in them hearts and all...

You know?

It was a joyous cover to do, wasn't it enjoyable?

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Midge Ure!

Next band - Midge and I went to see this band in a rehearsal studio.

Midge, what did you like about them?

These guys are a consummate rock and roll band.

Midge and I found self-confessed crud merchants,

Johnny Cage and the Voodoogroove

scuzzing it up at a Cardiff rehearsal space.

MUSIC DROWNS OUT VOCAL

Nice one!

So, what's the situation at the moment?

Does it pay for itself?

We tried to give up our jobs and we couldn't so we went back to work.

When they're not chasing the rock and roll dragon,

guitarist Dan and lead singer Peanut are living a different dream -

selling and repairing catering equipment.

I am going to install microwave ovens,

custom kitchen deliveries and move refrigerators.

It's just a Dire Straits song, isn't it?

Brothers in arms Dan and Peanut

met as teenagers in a local rock club.

They've been making germ-ridden scunge rock together ever since.

You need an understanding partner

and an understanding boss to make music work, yeah.

What it is, it makes you much more lush.

It does, it makes you much more lush.

Dan and I couldn't do it without each other now.

Musical soul mates, man!

In Belfast, as we say in showbiz,

Johnny Cage ripped the audience a new one.

# I'm gone... #

So my brother in arms Midge had high hopes

when he dropped in on their final rehearsal.

# Why did you do it?

# Why did you do this thing to me? #

It's a bit jammy, that's my take on it.

It's kind of mildly faceless.

Is there something else that you think...?

-Should we play you the other cover?

-I think you should.

I just want you to be absolutely bang-on with this.

# You're down on your knees

# Nothing left to sell

# Try digging a little deeper

# In the well, well, well, well, well, well... #

As soon as I asked them to play something

they would feel happier about, they instantly felt better

and when they played the alternative song,

which I didn't really know very well,

they played this Bob Dylan song, it was there.

The energy was back again, it just built and built.

It was like a train.

I don't know about you guys

but I felt the energy go up about a million times there.

Yeah, love that song!

Hello, hello, are we ready?

Rumour had it that lead singer Peanut was running a fever

and in dire straits.

So, I bravely risked infection and paid them a visit.

-Tell me you're all good.

-He's ill. Don't go near him.

You look like shit.

I feel fucking awful but it'll be all right.

Oh, my God, are you worried, Midge?

I think with an early night, you'll be fine.

Hot toddy.

They are the type of band who can command an audience.

I don't have any worries about it, as long as Peanut is OK.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the home of music...

CHEERING

Come on then, let's do it.

Please welcome Johnny Cage and the Voodoogroove!

# If you're down on your knees

# Try digging a little deeper

# In the well, well, well

# The man who stole the water will swim for evermore

# But he'll never reach the land on that golden shore

# That faint white light will haunt his heart

# Till he's only a memory lost in the dark

# Dig a hole in the ground, straight down to hell

# Till there ain't no more water in the well, well, well

# When you're down on your knees with nothing left to sell

# Try digging a little deeper in the well, well, well

# I said well, well, well, try digging a little deeper

# In the well, well, well. #

Thank you very much.

What possessed them to start that first song

the way they just started it?

They didn't do that in rehearsals.

He was doing that weird little vocal thing.

Why just pull it out of the hat now?

You can't take chances with stuff like this.

# Well, I can't defend what happened my friend

# And you know I know it's hard to comprehend

# What's crystal, what's clear is what goes on in here

# And all that I hold dear I love because I want to

# Here lies Johnny so-and-so

# They sucked him of his marrow

# It was his time, he had to go

# But you put the reins on his human remains

# You better hope, better hope that they can dance in the rain

# But you put the reins on his human remains

# You better hope, better hope that they can dance in the rain

# Take it down, sing the song and dance

# Take it down, sing the song and dance

# Take it down, sing the song and dance

# Well, take it down, sing the song and dance

# Take it down, sing the song and dance

# Take it down, sing the song and dance

# Take it down, sing the song and dance

# Ha, ha, ha, ha, boom! #

They played really well tonight

but whether that essence was there or not, I don't know,

I didn't quite feel the same thing.

Is that because they were ill? I don't know.

-Did the audience feel it?

-I don't know.

-Great! It was great. Yeah.

-Crazy fans.

I didn't expect them to give a shit to be honest

but they seemed quite happy.

No, good crowd, man.

Our next band is from the North of England.

Peter, what did you like about these guys?

They are very energetic.

-They really do go for it.

-The drummer especially.

The drummer plays in his pants.

You will see his bongos, ladies and gentlemen!

I got these for Christmas, so thanks, Mum.

We stumbled upon Cadavers smashing it to a small crowd

in their local mosh pit in Sheffield.

It was immediately obvious these hoodlums' lives had gone

seriously off the rails.

Morning, Clive.

Oh, no, I remember now, they're doctors.

How are you feeling?

Junior doctors Jamie and Cash have been in their punk band

for three years.

We've ended up going for IV,

and he's actually getting much better.

When they're not charming their patients

with their breezy bedside manner...

-Works all right?

-Yes.

-That's what I like to hear.

..you'll find them thrashing out their stress

in a sweaty noise spittoon with bandmates sound engineer Rob

and Adam, Yorkshire's premier naked drum teacher.

What we're like onstage, that is just all that energy,

that pent-up energy coming out.

I wouldn't have that same drive, I don't think,

if I didn't have this as my 9-5.

There is anger in our music.

We are angry at the moment, our whole profession is angry.

-We're all demoralised and...

-PAGER SOUNDS

..currently being bleeped!

So, you were doing this kind of music before being doctors?

-It's not just being doctors that has caused that?

-No, no!

One of my favourite parts of playing a show

is getting the crowd involved.

Yeah. Looking at their faces.

Some of the looks of terror, what the hell is this?

Determined to loosen drummers Adam's nipples, in rehearsals,

Cadavers had their amps turned up to 11.

Hey, that's woke me up!

Do you know what was really weird?

-Just as I was coming in, I just spied Midge

-Ure. Oh, really?

As soon as you started, he went "wow!"

So, what I'm hoping tomorrow is that your enthusiasm

does to the audience what you just did to Midge Ure.

Definitely!

I think they have a great belief in what they're doing.

They know that it's a very aggressive sound.

They know that it has not got a huge audience but they believe in it.

Looking at them, I believe in them.

-Hello!

-Hi!

-How's it going, Cadavers?

'I couldn't believe the belief Hooky had in the band's belief,

'so I popped in to see all this belief for myself.'

Has that been easy, finding the time to rehearse?

-Have you put much...?

-We've been on strike all the time!

That's that the strikes are really about, isn't it?

So, the cover version is a Nirvana song, Territorial Pissing.

So, obvious massive, massive appeal.

-Why that song?

-Nirvana played it on Jonathan Ross.

They were meant to do Lithium and they said,

"..with their new single, Lithium", and they played Territorial Pissing.

Jonathan Ross just sat there at the end like this.

I came from punk and I truly believe in that thing

about annoying your audience to get a reaction.

We did it when we started out.

It's like the opposite of crowd pleasing.

# Your government hates you They want you to die

# Don't want to educate you They want you to die

# They want to control you and keep you in line

# Twisted media Single hive mind

# Death and taxes

# Death and taxes

# Death and taxes

# Rich politicians only care for themselves

# The deadbeat crooks don't want to share the wealth

# They'll throw you to the jackals Make you fend for yourself

# A needle in your arm to escape from this hell

# Death and taxes

# Death and taxes

# Death and taxes

# Do you feel broken?

# Do you feel hopeless?

# We're only servants

# For the vultures

# Do you feel broken?

# Do you feel hopeless?

# We're only servants. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That was some fucking entertainment there!

Yeah, I'm not sure about the musical part, but I loved everything...

-The last 30 seconds...

-Excellent.

-..were just gold.

That was priceless.

# When I was an alien

# Cultures weren't opinions

# Gotta find a way, a better way

# When I'm here

# Gotta find a way, a better way

# I'd better wait

# Never met a wise man

# If so, it's a woman

# Gotta find a way, a better way

# When I'm here

# Gotta find a way, a better way

# I'd better wait

# Gotta find a way, a better way! #

FEEDBACK HOWLS

HOOKY CHEERS

HOOKY LAUGHS

NOISE DROWNS SPEECH

Thank you very much.

We're Cadavers from Sheffield.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Good honest punk band! That's what that was!

-Roadie's not happy!

I loved the way they smashed the fucking gear up.

-I loved the bit where they put the guitars across each other.

-Yeah.

-I thought it was...

-Fantastic.

THEY LAUGH AND SIGH

Fuck!

Oof!

Hi!

'Cadavers could be a hard act to follow,

'especially as they've euthanised the drum kit.'

Make sure this is intact.

'Four of the six bands have played,

'and with the room packed to bursting,

'choosing the winner could cause the biggest fight in Manchester

'since Noel borrowed Liam's Fuzzy Felts without asking.'

Yeah, let's not be too relaxed, boys, all right?

So, the next band, they are from London...

CHEERING AND BOOING

I'm so relaxed, I've been peeing ten times over the last ten minutes.

That's how relaxed I am.

'Jazzy loves this band...'

They really truly bring the noise to the party,

so hopefully you're going to enjoy them as much as I do.

Please welcome all the way to the stage

King Salami and the Cumberland Three!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hey!

Make your swing a little bit more relaxed and a bit longer.

'When frontman Seb isn't making a racket on stage,

'he's wielding one in his day job.'

'Sorry.'

Yes.

I think I'm more serious, cheerful but serious in tennis,

and I'm crazy and serious with the band,

cos I really want this to go somewhere.

This is it.

This is the spot.

HE GROWLS

'We discovered King Salami in a North London sweatbox...'

'..a small audience enjoying a slice of their rockabilly garage punk.'

'When the turban goes on,

'lead singer Seb becomes omnipotent sausage-god King Salami.'

Did you have the character before the hat and stuff,

or do you put the hat on and then it all changes?

-He always had a bit of a character.

-He always had the character.

A lot of this energy was in the turban, was in the hat,

because we have an affinity,

the fact that I keep all my energy up here as well, you know?

-Does that work for you?

-I'm rubbish without it.

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

CROWD SINGS ALONG # Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! #

What I enjoyed most about it,

honestly, was the fact that it looked like fun.

There's too many bands who are too serious about it, you know,

too focused on glory and fame,

and when they're on stage, they're paralysed,

they're looking at their feet,

and I'm like, "Come on, man, you know, it's supposed to be fun."

Some King Salami records.

'The band were formed 10 years ago, and without it,

'animator and drummer Eric Baconstrip gets the DTs.'

It's a bit like a drug.

I really need to play music.

I think about the band most of the time.

'Eric's band widow... sorry, wife, Maki,

'takes it all in her stride.'

He always practises regularly

so we can never do anything on Thursdays.

If he's got a gig in the weekend

he prefers not to do anything on a Friday,

and, er, he's often away throughout the weekend if it's abroad,

so I don't really see him that much!

And you can see the doggy, Jack, here,

is in most of the records.

Well, I want you guys to understand and to know this -

when I first saw you, one of the most amazing things was how much

you brought the audience into what was going on,

-that happy feeling.

-Thank you.

So please don't change too much

and just go out there and do your thing.

-Thank you, Jazzy.

-All there, my friends.

# Sometimes I feel I've got to

# Run away, I've got to

# Get away

# From that pain you drive into the heart of me

# The love we share

# Seems to go nowhere

# And I've lost my light

# For I toss and turn I can't sleep at night

# Once I ran to you

# Now I'll run from you

# This tainted love you've given

# I gave you all a boy could give

# Take my tears and that's not nearly all!

# Tainted love

# Tainted love

-# Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-ohhhhhhhh!

-Wo-o-o-o-ow! #

Break it down at the bridge.

Break it down!

Break it down, T Bone!

I want you to all kneel down!

I want you to get on your knees!

I want you to get on your knees, ladies and gentlemen!

I want to numb the hell out of you!

# Now I know I've got to

# Run away, I've got to

# Get away

# You don't really need any more from me

# To make things right

# You need someone to hold you tight

# And you think love is to pray

# But I'm sorry I don't pray that way

# Once I ran to you

# Now I'll run from you

# This tainted love you've given

# I gave you all a boy could give

# Take my tears and that's not nearly all!

# Tainted love

# Tainted love

# Tainted love!

# Hoi! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Fucking awesome. Love it.

He really bossed them. He was, like, training a puppy.

-Absolutely, he was brilliant.

-Weren't he? On your knees!

That's what I call a frontman as well, right?

# Have you heard about the brand-new sensation?

# Everybody's doing it all over the nation

# I saw your mama do it and your papa too

# They go ooh!

# Ooh!

# Ooh!

# I'm not fancy And there ain't no ruse

# You don't need no tuxedo No 'gator shoes

# Just kick your legs up high and walk like a goose

# And go oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh

# And do the climb

# And do the climb

# One!

# Two!

# Three!

# A-a-a-ow!

# Yeah! Let's go!

# And do the climb

# And do the climb

# One!

# Two!

# Three!

# A-a-aow!

# Hey! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hold on a sec...

-RHOD: Musically, what did you think, Midge?

-I'm...I'm confused.

I...I...I don't know what they are,

it's like watching a sawn-off Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah Band.

Oh, who pushed me? Every time they do it!

Is it comedy? Is it cabaret? Is it rock and roll?

I'm not quite sure.

But, I mean, hell of a frontman.

-Wow!

-I need a drink!

'King Salami messed with Midge's head,

'but they had the voting audience on their knees,

'and they've put our final band on the back foot.'

King Salami, what the hell? That guy hypnotised the crowd!

LAUGHTER

That's what you guys are missing. Turbans.

We need, er, we need sorcery, that's what we need!

He did some sort of... He just went on there and he just sort of,

he kind of just, he went, like, "Everyone! On your knees!"

-And they all went, "OK."

-That was quite something.

Yeah, brilliant. If we could have that...

So what you're saying is, they're all nice and warm, no excuses, yeah?

Exactly, that's exactly what we're saying!

Exactly.

Now I am nervous!

CROWD CHEERS

So, the next band, ladies and gents...

Who likes meat?

CROWD CHEERS

Who likes vans?

CROWD CHEERS

Yeah, it's all pretty glamorous(!)

'By day, Scott may be a budget meat equivalent of the Milk Tray man,

'but by night, he's the guitarist and driving force behind Bombskare.'

I've changed jobs and I, you know, I took a pay cut

because it was interfering with the band,

so I had to take something a little bit more,

er, regular, Monday to Friday.

And this is it.

Scott's a control freak so we let him sort of, you know,

run the day-to-day thing and that, er, I think that's...

What he means is I can actually spell in the emails!

THEY LAUGH

We entered this competition because that's describing us exactly -

pushing what's possible as a part-time band.

Just gigging all the time.

'Walking around Edinburgh like Egyptians doesn't pay the bills,

'so nine-piece ska band Bombskare also sell books, climb buildings

'and wrestle mannequins to avoid the night boat to Giro.'

-Ha-ha-ha, fantastic! That's brilliant.

-Beautiful.

Er, I have to say, stupidly tight.

You know, you obviously rehearse far too much.

It's...it's great.

So how many are you? Two, four... Nine of you.

You're obviously a band that don't want to make money!

THEY LAUGH

-I loved that, thought it was amazing energy.

-It was great.

-And that dancing.

-You exude energy, and really vibey...

-That stuff doesn't come overnight.

-No.

I can see it when you're playing.

-You'd do this for nothing.

-We do.

THEY LAUGH

'Midge swung by Bombskare's rehearsal

'to hear their song choices, pausing only to lean on this door

'and reminisce about his 1980s moustache for a moment.'

Imagine there's nine names out of a hat and then somebody's gone...

It's like, how did you end up deciding?

So it ended up just being a huge sort of process of us

just trying that out, eurgh! Trying that out...

So what did you end up with? Cover? What's your cover?

Britney Spears, Toxic.

OK...

That's pretty much everyone's reaction so far.

-What does Britney think about this?

-We're going to...

We're about to find out!

-Oh, this guy!

-BAND CHEERS

Bore da!

Oh, bore da! Bore da to you!

Yeah, feeling happy? It's a bigger stage, this one.

Does that enter your thinking at all or not?

-Just...

-Not really, nah.

-Really? I'm freaking out about it.

Are you? RHOD LAUGHS

To be honest, right.

-You are nervous, Mandy?

-Yeah. I'm always nervous.

A little bit. But I didn't realise you guys would be here,

and I never took any beta blockers, so...

THEY LAUGH

'Bassist Mandy is the newest member of the band,

'and is a secret clothes hoarder.

'Nah, silly, it's a shop!'

I think at first my dad was like,

"You're going to be in a band with eight old men?"

I was like, "Yeah, it's fine."

Being a girl in the band, I can speak up a bit more.

But I'm not, like, too feisty.

Maybe quite opinionated sometimes. But that's fine.

There's at least one member of the band that's less smelly

than the rest of them.

There's so much competition, there's so many bass players,

there's so many musicians and bands that are trying to make it,

so how do you end up being the one that does it full-time?

I could never go up on stage and play by myself.

It's terrifying, it's horrible, I'd just feel self-conscious.

Playing with Bombskare is like you're going on stage with a small army.

They make you forget that you're just...it's just you.

-Nerves good?

-Er...

'It's a big occasion, and backstage,

'Midge senses a jittery Mandy might need a sedative,

'or a pep talk.'

I have to tell you, everybody's fallen in love

with your bass playing,

because you are so good, and I'm not sure you know how good you are.

I was standing watching you guys doing the soundcheck this afternoon,

and my guitar tech, he just went, "Oh, my God, who's that?"

And zoomed straight in on your playing, and it's just fantastic.

I can't imagine the band being the band they are without you.

I don't know what to say to that...

-Just say thank you.

-Thank you, Midge!

Here we go! Ooh-ooh-ooh!

# Pick it up, pick it up pick it up, pick it up

# Baby, can't you see

# I'm calling

# A girl like you should wear a warning

# It's dangerous

# And I'm falling

# Too high, can't come down

# My head's swinging round and round

# Can you hear me now?!

# With a taste of your lips I'm on a ride

# You're toxic, I'm slipping under

# The taste of your poison, paradise

# I'm addicted to you Don't you know that you're toxic?

# Take it up, take it up, take it up take it up, take it up, take it up!

# The taste of your lips I'm on a ride

# You're toxic, I'm slipping under

# The taste of your poison, paradise

# I'm addicted to you Don't you know that you're toxic?

# And I love what you do Don't you know that you're toxic?

# Take it up, take it up, take it up, take it up, take it up...! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That showed you all the little intricacies that they do.

The stops, the starts, the harmonies.

Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

It was great, all of a sudden it got really vibey.

# The time has come

# Get the muppets on the bus

# A garage run

# Loaded up with drinks and nuts

# But history

# Will repeat for ever more

# We broke down in this forsaken town

# Let's get out of here

# We broke down in this forsaken town

# That's when things got bad to worse

# Crashing right back down to earth

# Some things in life you can't rehearse

# A million ways to die down here

# Tonight was rough

# Got a feeling all bets are off

# We've come so far

# Then we woke up

# We're functioning still

# Odds are long at William Hill

# We're all on the same page

# Only eight made the stage

# A-a-ah!

That's when things got bad to worse

# Crashing right back down to earth

# Things in life you can't rehearse

# A million ways to die down here

# That's when things got bad to worse

# Crashing right back down to earth

# Things in life you can't rehearse

# A million ways to die! #

Oi!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Suddenly that connection, which you have to have,

suddenly that came there, intensely came there...

-You could feel it.

-..and it was a rush.

-Yeah.

-And that... If they win it, it'll be from that bit.

That last couple of minutes, that's what will win it, I think.

-I actually enjoyed it.

-Did you?

Yeah, like, I thought I'd be absolutely, like,

my legs were like jelly and that, but actually I was like...

At least I didn't do it quite like that,

but at least I got a wee bit of that going.

I think everyone's a little scared of everyone else now,

it's a little bit of competition.

Everyone's like, "Ooh, who's going to win?"

Is anybody going to think less of me if I cry if we don't win?

I couldn't possibly think any less of you, man.

Seeing them all so excited, and deliver so well,

is absolutely worth it.

Really. I don't care who wins. It's been such a delight.

'With the bands all celebrating in the bar, it's time to quickly

'decide our champion whilst they can still remember who won.

'Our musical legends are clearly biased,

'so we're lobbing it out for the audience to vote.

'We're shunning all the usual bollocks - no premium phone rates,

'no text votes, there's not even a clap-o-meter.

'It's tokens in a shoebox.'

Come on!

Ladies and gentlemen, the voting, OK?

Basically, has everyone got a token?

CROWD CHEERS

Good! Get to the back, over that corner, get your vote in.

You've got 15 minutes.

-Who d'you think the audience have gone for? Peter?

-Dubheart.

-Put it in!

-Yeah, man!

I think King Salami.

You had that whole crowd hypnotised.

HE SLURS

I think it's either Dubheart or Bombskare,

and I think it's very, very close.

'The tokens are counted and verified by an independent adjudicator.

Just look at those honest hands!

Every single band, give 'em a round of applause, they've all won!

1,200 bands down to six!

This is it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah, come on, do that shit!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I'm not deliberately taking my time over this,

it's just a tricky envelope.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm not going to piss about,

there's no commercial break, there's no pregnant pause,

I'm just going to announce it.

As far as I'm concerned everybody's won.

You, shut your face.

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner is

Bombskare!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Anybody want this piece of shit(?!)

UK's best zero hours contract band!

This would be a bad time for us to admit that we've been taking

performance enhancing drugs through the whole competition!

I'm really pleased that the guys did it. They deserved it.

Every time we've seen them, they've brought it big time.

All the bands here tonight deserved

that Andy Warhol 15 minutes of fame,

and if that's all they ever get, what an amazing thing to have.

Bloody awful.

Not only is it bad losing, it's even worse losing to Midge bloody Ure.

Oi!

It actually gives you back a lot of feeling for what you do,

you know, to see people enjoy what I do so much, all of them,

and be so friendly.

You know, it's been really, really nice.

Where's the drummer?!

I've been truly inspired, and somehow, in a strange,

kind of selfish way, I feel like a winner.

How many bands we got?

'It's been a Herculean effort - several months, 1,500 miles across

'these fair isles, three musical monoliths, one van blown up,

'and one just crashed...'

VAN RATTLES

MIDGE LAUGHS

'1,200 bands down to one.

'Congratulations to Bombskare,

'the winner of the UK's Best Part-Time Band 2016.

'TV's catchiest titled TV talent show on television.'

My mother, I know she was here, and she said, "Guys, you didn't win,

"but Susan Boyle, she didn't win, and she did great," you know, so...

-Ah!

-Ah!

-See?

Who's Susan Boyle?