The Wipers Times


The Wipers Times

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Transcript


LineFromTo

Sorry to keep you waiting. Balloon's gone up.

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Total chaos.

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Deadlines brought forward, printers on the warpath -

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all kinds of merry hell.

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But that's Fleet Street for you.

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I wouldn't know about Fleet Street but I'm familiar with merry hell.

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Oh, of course. Of course. The, uh, war.

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Now, you have impressive references here from Mr Gilbert Frankau

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and Mr RC Sherriff.

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Yes, I knew them back then when we were all working on Tenth Avenue.

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Tenth Avenue? In New York?

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No, No. In Flanders.

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It was a trench.

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Oh, yes, the war. Very good. I couldn't go of course.

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Eyesight.

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I'm sorry. You missed quite a show.

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Really? Yes, it must have been hell.

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From what I've read.

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We had some bad times.

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But we had some good times too.

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I'm sure. So perhaps you could tell me about yourself, Mr...?

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Roberts, Fred Roberts.

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You do have my curriculum vitae?

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Yes.

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But I'd like to hear about you in your own words.

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Frederick Roberts.

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Formerly of the North Midlands Nottinghamshire and Derbyshire Regiment,

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otherwise known as the Sherwood Foresters.

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A mining engineer by profession -

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I worked in the Kimberley diamond mines in South Africa

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until friend Fritz kicked off the firework party.

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I see. So you have mining qualifications?

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Jolly useful in a pioneer battalion

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charged with trench repair and maintenance...

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Though less useful in a newspaper office.

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I don't know - digging up all that muck.

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Yes, Mr Roberts.

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My problem is that what we need here is men with relevant experience.

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So tell me. Do you have any relevant experience?

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BOMBS EXPLODE

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Come on. Come on, lads. Quickly

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BOMB EXPLODES

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Move it, move it, move it.

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BOMB EXPLODES

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All right?

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-Come on!

-Come on!

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BOMB EXPLODES Come on, lads.

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Everyone all right? Good lads.

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BOMBS EXPLODE

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Oh, to be in Flanders now that winter's here.

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It's April.

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Is it? I find it frightfully difficult to tell.

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Usual drill, Sergeant.

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Oi! Smith, Dodd, Henderson, Barnes. You heard the officer.

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Search the place for anything we can use.

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-Preferably of the metal or timber variety.

-All right, sir.

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And be sharp about it, lads.

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Fritz's love tokens seem to be arriving with greater frequency.

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BOMBS EXPLODE

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4.2s, sir.

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That's a relief. Thought for a minute they were 5.9s.

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BOMB EXPLODES CLOSE BY

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No. Those are 5.9s, sir.

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What the hell are you doing, Dodd?

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Die Boche vermin!

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You're wasting your time.

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Put your bayonet away before you hurt someone.

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But it's a rat, sir.

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Yes, I'm familiar with the species, Dodd.

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We've encountered one or two since we've been in Ypres.

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Ypres, sir?

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It's what the Belgians call Wipers.

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Oh right, sir. Funny lot, the Belgians.

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It's like the Napoo Rum they got over here, sir.

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Never seem to get any.

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Napoo it's from the French, Dodd.

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"Il n'y en a plus". There is no more.

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Well, why don't they just say that then, sir?

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Nothing here, Captain.

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Napoo salvage, sir.

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Very good, Dodd. We'll make a sapper of you yet.

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Quickly. Quick. Come on, lads.

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BOMB FALLING

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BOMBS EXPLODE

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BOMB EXPLODES OUTSIDE

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Find me something, lads.

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Look what we have here, sir! Boxes of paper.

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Excellent. Exactly what we're looking for to reinforce trench 132.

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-Really, sir?

-Er no, Dodd.

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I'm afraid you'll find when you've been out here for a while that

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paper doesn't offer much protection against crumps and whizz-bangs.

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Unless you're a red hat in HQ with a cushy job, then the paper

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stops you getting anywhere near the shooting gallery at all.

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Your cynicism could become wearying, Lieutenant Pearson

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except fortunately I find it quite amusing.

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Some tarpaulin here, sir.

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Well, that might be useful.

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Blimey.

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Now what the bloody hell is that?

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That, Smith, is an Arab.

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I'm not stupid, Sar'nt.

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The Arab is an Anglo-American hand-fed platen press.

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It's probably the finest in the world.

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It's a manual, pedal-operated printing machine

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patented in 1872 by Josiah Wade.

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Manufactured in Halifax,

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subsequently sold all over the world.

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In short, it's a work of art.

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So, shall we smash it up?

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No. Stupid, Dodd.

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Look, it's even got the blocks and the trays of type.

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Go on, stick that over there, Smith.

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How on earth do you know all this, Harris?

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I was a printer in civvy street, sir.

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Good grief. You kept quiet about that.

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Well, it didn't seem relevant to fighting Fritz, sir.

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No. But it might be now.

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Can you make this work?

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Well, I mean, she's not been used for a while.

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The type's all over the countryside.

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There's a few unwelcome visitors.

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But give it a bit of time, reckon so, sir. Yes, sir.

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How's it work then, Sar'nt?

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Well, you stick the ink on that plate there.

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And the rollers come down onto the block there.

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Paper goes in there.

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Don't touch it.

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Very interesting.

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What are we going to do with it?

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We're going to borrow it.

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Isn't that looting?

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No, no. It's temporary requisitioning of civilian

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facilities for military purposes.

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Oh, right. Sounds like looting.

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Have you ever done any journalism, Pearson?

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-Good God, no!

-Excellent.

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Me neither.

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Because what we're going to do, is we're going to produce a newspaper.

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-Aren't we, Sergeant?

-If you say so, sir.

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What, like the Daily Mail?

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I was thinking something rather more accurate.

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The Times?

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The Wipers Times.

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BOMB EXPLODES

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BOMB EXPLODES

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Move it, lads! Move it!

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BOMB EXPLODES

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We've got plenty of ink, plenty of paper.

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In fact, according to Harris,

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the only thing we seem to be lacking is "copy".

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Uh-huh. None of us is writing men.

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We haven't done any journalism.

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There's a first time for everything. It can't be that hard.

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I think we should aim to produce something a bit like Punch,

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-except with jokes.

-Mm-hm.

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So what are we actually going to write about?

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EXPLOSION

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Damn you, Fritz. I can't hear myself think.

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Put on The Bing Boys would you, Jack?

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So will The Wipers Times address the big questions of the war?

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-Certainly.

-And how will we do that?

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I suggest we do so just by writing down any old thing that

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comes into our heads.

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Trial page proof, sir.

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Looks pretty good, I must say myself.

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Who do I show it to, sir? Who's the editor?

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Well, as senior officer, I am, of course, the editor.

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I will need a sub-editor. Any volunteers? Jack?

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-Ugh.

-Bad grammar is simply something I will not put up with.

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Up with which you simply will not put.

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All right, Jack, the job's yours.

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Only drawback, sir, is that we're short of Ys and Es.

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Well, it's just as well we're not based anywhere called Ypres then.

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-Ah.

-Now, sir, what about some copy?

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Dammit, Harris, haven't you heard of writer's block?

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Only every day, sir, come deadline time for the newspaper.

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Very well, Harris. But you are very annoying.

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Very good, sir.

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You know he's right, Fred.

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Et tu, Pearson?

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I'm going to hold this pencil...

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and see what happens.

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Something's bound to turn up.

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You are an incorrigible optimist.

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Optimism.

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Well, there's a dangerous thing...

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particularly in a war.

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Do you suffer from optimism?

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Men! Do you suffer from optimism,

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but fail to recognise the tell-tale signs?

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Many do.

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Is it serious, Doctor?

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I just need you to answer a few simple questions.

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Do you sometimes wake up in the morning feeling that all is

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going well for the Allies?

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Yes, Doctor.

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Do you sometimes think that the war will be over,

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within the next 12 months?

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Absolutely, Doctor.

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Do you consider that our leaders are competent to conduct the war

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to a successful issue?

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I should say so, Doctor.

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Oh, dear. This is the worst case of cheerfulness I've encountered.

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-Oh, Good.

-No. It's terrible.

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But don't worry.

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I promise I can cure you of optimism within two days

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and effectively eradicate all traces of it from your system.

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Really, Doctor? And how are you going to do that?

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I'm writing something for you now, which should do the trick.

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Is it a prescription, Doctor?

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No. It's your orders. I'm sending you to the front line.

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Thank you, Doctor. BOMB FALLING

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BOMB EXPLODES

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Not sure about this piece about optimism.

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Are you questioning the judgment of a superior officer?

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-Er, yes.

-Good.

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So as a superior officer, of course, I shall ignore you.

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Seriously, do you not think it's gone a little bit too far?

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How can you accuse me of going too far - when the entire

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24th Division has gone precisely ten yards in the last six months?

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-And that was sideways.

-I'm just saying we have to be careful.

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Yes, I guess you are right. We must be responsible.

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As will be made clear in my editorial.

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You haven't written an editorial.

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-How's your shorthand?

-Non-existent.

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Good. Take this down.

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-Mm-hm?

-Editorial.

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Hmm, excellent.

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Having managed to pick up a printing press, slightly soiled,

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at a very reasonable price,

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we have decided to produce a paper.

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There is much we would like to say in it,

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but the shadows of censorship enveloping us,

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cause us to refer to the war that we hear is taking place in Europe...

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-Careful.

-..in a cautious manner.

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We apologise for any shortcomings in production of our paper...

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..on account of...

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Editorial inexperience?

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Quite so.

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We hope to publish The Times weekly,

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despite the attentions of Messrs Hun and co.

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-Our local rivals.

-Excellent!

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And we take this opportunity of stating that we accept

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-no responsibility for the views expressed.

-We?

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Yes. And we disassociate ourselves from any

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statements in the advertisements.

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Well, that bit's true. There are no advertisements.

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No? Why Not?

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There's a problem with potential advertisers such as theatres,

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restaurants, hotels, small businesses et cetera...

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Well, what's the problem?

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There aren't any. They've all been blown to buggery.

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Is that anywhere near Poperinghe?

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No, it's not. And you didn't hear that, Sergeant, did you?

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No, sir, but it was most amusing.

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Harris, you're our expert.

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We can't be a proper newspaper without advertisements, can we?

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No, sir, that's what the front page is for.

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So what do we do?

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Taxi! Taxi! I say, Taxi!

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'Are you having trouble getting home?

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'Not any more, with our fleet of handsomely-appointed taxicabs.'

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But how will I recognise your taxis?

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'Easy, they have a red cross painted on each side.'

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'Is your friend a soldier?

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'Do you know what he wants? No? We do.

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'Send him one of our latest improved combination umbrella

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'and wire cutter.

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'No more nasty colds caught when cutting the wire.

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'He will be absolutely delighted with the combination umbrella

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'and wire cutter.

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'Just 15 francs.

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'Quite right, Miss.

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'Now you can rest assured your soldier friend will stay fit

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'and healthy out in no man's land.'

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'Calling all harassed subalterns.'

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Who? Me?

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'Yes, you. Is your life miserable?

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-'Do you hate your company commander?'

-Uh.

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'Of course you do.

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'Then why not buy him one of our patent "tip me up" duckboards?'

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But how does the "tip me up" duckboard work?

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'You just get your company commander on the end...

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'and the duckboard does the rest.

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'Every time a blighty!

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'That's our promise. Remember...

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'if once he steps onto the end,

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'to take a month his face to mend.'

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Thank you, "tip me up" duckboard.

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BOMB EXPLODES

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Excellent work, Sergeant. When can we roll the pressers?

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Soon as it eases off a bit, sir.

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Surely you're not bothered by a spot of rain?

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No. It's more the bombardment, sir.

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Fritz is getting a bit too close to the print room to be pleasant.

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Well, when Herman knocks off for his evening sausage let's print

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the blighter.

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BOMB EXPLODES

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Everything all right? I'm fine, Sar'nt.

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Not you, the print blocks. Get in there.

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Don't get your hand caught in the plate, Dodd.

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Or you'll come a cropper.

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A phrase, incidentally,

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derived from the printing presses of HS Cropper.

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-Do you know that?

-That's very interesting, Sar'nt.

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As is the phrase "mind your Ps and Qs".

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It comes from a common mistaking of the P for the Q in a tray of type.

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That's even more interesting, Sar'nt.

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Whereas, the expression "get the wrong end of the stick",

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that comes from grabbing the wrong end of the compositing stick

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and getting your hand covered in ink.

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-It means thinking you're being interesting when really...

-Yes, Henderson?

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Very, very interesting indeed, Sar'nt.

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Correct.

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Right, here we go. Grab it, Smith.

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There it is, Sar'nt.

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Now, the result, if I say it myself, is a thing of beauty.

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Unlike any of you lot.

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MEN CHUCKLE

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Oi, Bill, this Wipers Times does what it says!

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Have you seen this poppycock, sir?

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Yes, I have.

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It's downright insubordination.

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That's maybe why the men seem to like it.

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The men also like the ladies of the Poperinghe Fancies.

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Neither are exactly conducive to winning the war.

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Really? Have you seen the ladies of the Poperinghe Fancies?

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Of course not!

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I think they're doing their bit.

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Jolly, buxom girls.

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They can't sing, they can't dance, but...

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no-one seems to care, particularly.

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I believe the chaps call them glycerine and Vaseline.

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-No idea why.

-We're getting off the point here, sir.

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Which is surely that some of the material in this publication

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is not merely unsuitable, it's downright treasonable.

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Like what, in particular?

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Like this.

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Oh. Answers to correspondence.

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Whoever wrote this should be court-martialed.

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Like this item advising young officers not to wear turned-up

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slacks or shoes when going over the top?

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-What?

-Lovely, sound advice.

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A chap wearing turned-up slacks on the battlefield not only

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looks a bloody fool,

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but he advertises the fact he's an officer to any half-awake sniper.

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No, no, no. That is not the offending article.

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I'm referring to this response

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to a supposed query from a junior officer.

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"Dear Subaltern.

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"No.

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"The death penalty is not enforced

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"in the case of murdering a senior officer,

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"as you will always be able to claim extenuating circumstances."

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HE LAUGHS

0:19:580:19:59

That's a joke.

0:20:010:20:03

It's an incitement to mutiny, I'll have him shot.

0:20:030:20:06

Not if he shoots you first.

0:20:060:20:07

That's also a joke.

0:20:100:20:12

The war is not funny, sir.

0:20:120:20:14

I think the authors are aware of that.

0:20:140:20:16

I have a feeling that may be the point.

0:20:160:20:18

I mean...

0:20:200:20:22

It's not all cocking a snook at the general staff, although...

0:20:220:20:26

..quite a bit of it is.

0:20:270:20:29

I mean, some bits are deadly serious - words from the heart.

0:20:290:20:32

Such as?

0:20:320:20:34

"People we take our hats off to - The French at Verdun,

0:20:340:20:36

"the British Navy at Jutland,

0:20:360:20:38

"and the Canadians at Ypres."

0:20:380:20:40

Saluting our fallen comrades is hardly sedition, is it?

0:20:400:20:44

They also take their hats off to the officer in charge

0:20:440:20:47

of the costume department of the Poperinghe Fancies.

0:20:470:20:51

They are just a gang of backchat comedians deliberately

0:20:510:20:53

undermining morale with this impertinent, unpatriotic rag.

0:20:530:20:57

Could you think of anything more likely to produce discontent amongst the men?

0:20:570:21:01

Yes. Banning it.

0:21:010:21:03

-Put your back into it, Henderson.

-Sir.

0:21:220:21:25

Sergeant, we're running out of timber.

0:21:250:21:27

BOMB EXPLODES

0:21:270:21:31

Go see if you can borrow something from the communications line.

0:21:310:21:34

Henderson. Barnes. You work on the parapets.

0:21:340:21:38

Yes, sir.

0:21:380:21:39

Keep down, Barnesy, unless you want sniper taking your head off.

0:21:400:21:44

Smith. Dodd. Start on the supports.

0:21:470:21:50

Do I have to work with Dodd, sir?

0:21:500:21:51

Yes, you do. Poor Dodd drew the short straw.

0:21:510:21:53

Now get on with it, Smith.

0:21:530:21:54

What's the plan?

0:21:540:21:56

What I think we should do, Jack...

0:21:560:21:57

BOMB EXPLODES

0:21:570:21:59

Up the cover price, get in some new writers and cut down on the poetry.

0:21:590:22:03

-You don't think you might be getting rather obsessed with the paper?

-Don't be ridiculous.

0:22:030:22:06

I'm a model commanding officer executing my duties

0:22:060:22:09

in exemplary fashion.

0:22:090:22:10

BOMB EXPLODES

0:22:100:22:12

What do you think of the poetry?

0:22:140:22:16

I think poetry's essential in the modern battlefield. A bit like mud.

0:22:160:22:21

If only it were just mud.

0:22:210:22:23

Yes. Perhaps, better not dwell on the...unmentionables.

0:22:230:22:29

Better left unsaid.

0:22:290:22:30

That's why I'd rather think about the paper.

0:22:330:22:36

It's important to me because it's not important.

0:22:360:22:39

Oh, dear. You're getting aphoristic.

0:22:390:22:41

Am I? Apologies.

0:22:410:22:43

So what are we thinking?

0:22:450:22:46

I think we should crack out another couple of issues.

0:22:460:22:49

And if it keeps going this well, try and sell it back home.

0:22:490:22:52

You're getting obsessed.

0:22:520:22:53

MEN SING

0:22:530:22:55

Listen. Listen, Fritz is in fine voice.

0:22:550:22:59

What are they singing, sir? Sounds like an hymn, sir.

0:23:030:23:07

It is.

0:23:070:23:08

It's called the Hymn Of Hate.

0:23:080:23:10

It goes something like this...

0:23:100:23:12

You we will hate with a lasting hate.

0:23:140:23:16

We will never forego our hate.

0:23:180:23:20

Hate by water and hate by land.

0:23:220:23:25

Hate of the head and hate of the hand.

0:23:250:23:28

Hate of the hammer, hate of the crown.

0:23:300:23:33

Hate of 70 millions choking down.

0:23:340:23:37

We love as one. We hate as one.

0:23:390:23:42

We have one foe and one alone.

0:23:420:23:46

# Eng-er-land. #

0:23:460:23:48

-MEN SING:

-Eng-er-land.

0:23:480:23:50

That's not very nice is it, sir?

0:23:500:23:52

Spot-on, Dodd.

0:23:520:23:53

We don't have any songs like that, do we, sir?

0:23:530:23:55

No, we don't and if we did they'd certainly be a lot funnier.

0:23:550:23:58

The Wipers Times should put that right, sir.

0:23:580:24:00

Good idea, Dodd.

0:24:000:24:03

Since Dodd has joined the editorial conference,

0:24:030:24:05

I propose we take his excellent suggestion on board

0:24:050:24:08

and include something suitably melodious in the issue.

0:24:080:24:11

What do you have in mind?

0:24:110:24:12

We all love the music hall, sir!

0:24:140:24:15

MEN CHEER

0:24:190:24:20

Ladies and gentlemen!

0:24:220:24:26

Welcome to the Cloth Hall at Ypres.

0:24:260:24:30

Best ventilated hall in the town.

0:24:300:24:34

Tonight, for your delectation,

0:24:340:24:37

we proudly present positively the greatest

0:24:370:24:40

collection of performers ever collected in one place at one time.

0:24:400:24:45

Yes, it's Mr Thomas Atkins And Co in their stupendous new revue,

0:24:450:24:51

The Big Bangs Are Here.

0:24:510:24:53

-MEN:

-Oooh!

0:24:530:24:56

With music by Mr R Tillery.

0:24:560:24:58

And not to mention Mrs Miniworther,

0:25:010:25:03

who always meets with a thunderous reception.

0:25:030:25:05

And not forgetting Bouncing Bertha, who's only 17 inches high...

0:25:070:25:11

..but is guaranteed to bring the house down.

0:25:120:25:15

And, there's more, with Hind and Berg, sword swallowers...

0:25:160:25:22

and nail eaters.

0:25:220:25:24

MEN BOO

0:25:240:25:25

And introducing the world's favourite comedian, Kaiser Bill...

0:25:250:25:30

..and his little Willie. MEN LAUGH

0:25:310:25:34

That's the crown prince I'm talking about.

0:25:340:25:36

Thank you. But I promised you a song and a song you shall have.

0:25:370:25:41

A pleasing patriotic performance from our very own privates -

0:25:410:25:45

The Atkins brothers - Thomas and Tommy.

0:25:450:25:49

# I heard the bugles calling

0:25:510:25:56

# Join up, I felt I must

0:25:560:26:00

# Now I wish I'd left them bugles go on blowing till they bust. #

0:26:000:26:04

MEN CHEER

0:26:040:26:05

Yes, this show is going to run, and run and run and run...

0:26:080:26:13

-Dodd, did you go swimming?

-Give its a rest, Smithy I was switching patrols.

0:26:150:26:18

As you were, Smith.

0:26:180:26:19

MUSIC HALL STYLE-MUSIC

0:26:230:26:26

Great news, Fred, apparently the war will be over within the week.

0:26:260:26:30

Says who?

0:26:320:26:33

Says Hilaire Belloc.

0:26:330:26:35

Didn't he say the war was going to be over within the week last week?

0:26:360:26:40

I rather think he did.

0:26:400:26:41

And the week before.

0:26:410:26:43

Now you're just jealous cos we don't have a war expert of our own.

0:26:430:26:46

Somebody who really knows what's going on.

0:26:460:26:49

Yes, you're right. Perhaps we should employ our own Hilary Belloc.

0:26:490:26:53

What about Belary Helloc? I hear he's very well informed.

0:26:530:26:59

Really?

0:26:590:27:01

So what is Mr Helloc's latest take on the war?

0:27:010:27:06

Good evening.

0:27:060:27:07

I'm the famous Belary Helloc and tonight my subject is

0:27:070:27:10

"why we are going to win the war."

0:27:100:27:12

Everything points to a speedy disintegration of the enemy.

0:27:120:27:16

So let's just have a look at the figures.

0:27:160:27:18

There are 12 million fighting men in Germany.

0:27:200:27:23

Of these, nine million are already killed,

0:27:230:27:27

or are being killed as we speak.

0:27:270:27:29

Leaving just three million.

0:27:290:27:31

Of these 2,500,000 are temperamentally

0:27:320:27:35

unsuitable for fighting owing to obesity, due to eating sausages.

0:27:350:27:39

This leaves us just 500,000 as the full German strength.

0:27:390:27:45

Now, of these, 497,250 are suffering from incurable diseases.

0:27:450:27:53

And I think we know which ones.

0:27:530:27:55

Leaving just 2,750 men.

0:27:550:27:59

Of these, 2,150 are on the Eastern Front.

0:27:590:28:03

And of the remaining 600, we see that 584 are generals and staff.

0:28:030:28:09

Thus we find, that there are in fact just...

0:28:090:28:12

..16 men on the Western Front.

0:28:150:28:17

Clearly not enough to resist one final big push, or maybe two,

0:28:170:28:22

or three - four at the very most.

0:28:220:28:25

And that is why we are going to win the war.

0:28:250:28:28

If we haven't already by the time you've heard this.

0:28:280:28:31

-Letters for you, sir.

-Thank you, Henderson.

0:28:360:28:38

Thank you.

0:28:400:28:41

Ah, news from the home front.

0:28:440:28:48

Has my wife been raising money for noble causes,

0:28:500:28:54

such as providing warm woollens for war-worn Walloons?

0:28:540:29:01

Is mine selling flags for blue body belts for bucolic Belgians?

0:29:010:29:05

Touche.

0:29:050:29:06

Always a bit of a mixed blessing, isn't it, a letter from home?

0:29:110:29:14

A reminder of a land where gascons,

0:29:140:29:17

whizz-bangs and mein und verfers are not allowed.

0:29:170:29:21

Good heavens - my wife has sent me a clipping from the Tatler.

0:29:210:29:25

We've been mentioned in Dispatches!

0:29:260:29:28

What? Fame at last?

0:29:280:29:30

What did they say?

0:29:300:29:33

"We hear news from the front of an amusing periodical designed

0:29:330:29:36

"to entertain the troops.

0:29:360:29:38

"It is entitled The Wipers Times after the town of Ypres

0:29:380:29:43

"where its enterprising creators are currently quartered.

0:29:430:29:46

"So, we salute the anonymous wits of the 6th Division..."

0:29:460:29:52

We're the 24th Division.

0:29:520:29:53

Nincompoops.

0:29:530:29:55

Ah dear. Appears we're not to be famous after all.

0:29:550:29:59

Oh, damn journalists, can't they get anything right?

0:29:590:30:02

Is that a rhetorical question? PHONE RINGS

0:30:020:30:06

It's Lieutenant Colonel Howfield's ADC, sir.

0:30:060:30:09

Little bobbing Bobby.

0:30:090:30:11

The one who has little red star flashes on his jim-jams?

0:30:110:30:14

Captain, how can I help?

0:30:200:30:22

Of course. Yes.

0:30:230:30:24

Looking forward to it, sir.

0:30:250:30:27

-Thank you, Smith.

-Sir.

0:30:270:30:29

Lieutenant Colonel Howfield has granted us

0:30:330:30:36

the privilege of a full inspection.

0:30:360:30:39

When?

0:30:390:30:41

Now. Initiate "Operation Panic".

0:30:410:30:44

Where is that "tip me up" duckboard when you need it?

0:30:470:30:49

We under attack, sir?

0:30:490:30:50

Quite the reverse. We've got an inspection by the Divisional Staff,

0:30:500:30:53

which means for as long as they're here, there won't be any action at all.

0:30:530:30:57

Not even our artillery would open fire when there's a brass hat down here.

0:30:570:31:00

Henderson, Dodd, shift these trays. Put them under the books.

0:31:000:31:04

Barnesy, get hold of this.

0:31:040:31:06

To say an old adage -

0:31:060:31:07

war is long periods of boredom punctuated by sheer terror.

0:31:070:31:11

-Sir.

-At ease, Roberts.

0:31:160:31:17

Hope I'm not interrupting anything.

0:31:190:31:21

-No, sir.

-Well, I should be, shouldn't I?

0:31:210:31:24

Boche obviously not keeping you occupied, and vice versa.

0:31:240:31:28

You've got time on your hands, Roberts,

0:31:280:31:31

and time is the soldier's greatest enemy.

0:31:310:31:35

-Isn't it, Booby?

-Yes, sir.

0:31:350:31:37

Apart from the gas and the flamethrowers.

0:31:370:31:39

So, are your boys fit, Roberts?

0:31:390:31:42

As a fiddle, sir.

0:31:420:31:43

Because the men have got to be fit for the big push.

0:31:430:31:46

What about you, Roberts?

0:31:470:31:49

Keeping busy?

0:31:490:31:50

As a bee, sir.

0:31:510:31:53

So no distractions? Finding things to do?

0:31:530:31:57

Yes, sir.

0:31:580:32:00

Doing our best to make a little cover for the lads

0:32:000:32:02

who are hanging onto the remnants of Belgium in the teeth of every

0:32:020:32:05

disadvantage, discomfort and peril. Sir.

0:32:050:32:09

So not too much "paperwork", then?

0:32:090:32:12

Not at all, sir.

0:32:140:32:16

That's good to hear, isn't it, Bobby?

0:32:180:32:20

Yes, sir.

0:32:200:32:21

Because the problem with the whole damn line is inaction.

0:32:210:32:26

We're getting bogged down in a mire of defensive passivity.

0:32:260:32:29

There's no forward movement.

0:32:290:32:31

No sorties, no raiding parties, no mining activity.

0:32:310:32:35

You're right, sir. It's almost as if we were...entrenched.

0:32:350:32:40

Quite so.

0:32:420:32:44

And the question you have to ask yourself, and you,

0:32:440:32:47

particularly, as commander, Roberts, is are you being offensive enough?

0:32:470:32:53

I'm not sure, sir.

0:32:560:32:58

Are we being offensive enough? Pearson?

0:33:010:33:04

No, sir. I...

0:33:060:33:07

I think we could be a lot more offensive.

0:33:090:33:11

Good man, Pearson.

0:33:110:33:13

So from now on, you're going to be a lot more offensive.

0:33:130:33:18

You hear that, men?

0:33:190:33:20

From now on, we are all going to be as offensive as possible.

0:33:210:33:27

MEN SNIGGER

0:33:270:33:29

Very good, Roberts.

0:33:290:33:31

Isn't it, Bobby?

0:33:310:33:33

I'm not altogether sure, sir.

0:33:330:33:35

BOMBS EXPLODE

0:33:410:33:42

You heard the colonel, we must attack something.

0:33:420:33:46

How about...stupid moustaches?

0:33:480:33:50

Good idea. far too many of them around.

0:33:520:33:56

I blame Charlie Chaplin.

0:33:560:33:58

BOMB EXPLODES OUTSIDE

0:34:010:34:04

I say, that was a bit friendly.

0:34:040:34:07

Put the gramophone on, would you?

0:34:070:34:09

BOMB EXPLODES OUTSIDE

0:34:130:34:16

MUSIC HALL-STYLE MUSIC

0:34:220:34:26

BOMB EXPLODES

0:34:260:34:28

-Well saved.

-No...

0:34:280:34:31

-It's not enough. Have to play the piano.

-Oh, dear.

0:34:310:34:35

BOMB EXPLODES

0:34:370:34:39

# There are various types of courage there are many kinds of fear

0:34:590:35:03

# There are many brands of whisky there are many makes of beer

0:35:030:35:06

# There is also rum which sometimes in our need can help us much

0:35:060:35:11

# But 'tis whisky, whisky, whisky hands the courage which is Dutch... #

0:35:110:35:15

# There are various types of courage there are many kinds of fear

0:35:260:35:29

# There are many brands of whisky there are many makes of beer

0:35:290:35:33

# There is also rum which sometimes in our need can help us much

0:35:330:35:38

# But 'tis whisky, whisky, whisky hands the courage which is Dutch. #

0:35:380:35:42

Bad news, sir. We've had a direct hit.

0:35:420:35:45

Bloody Boche. Excuse my French, sir.

0:35:550:35:58

French excused, Sergeant.

0:35:580:36:01

Is there nothing that can be done?

0:36:010:36:04

I think it's finished, sir.

0:36:040:36:06

It's the end of The Wipers Times.

0:36:060:36:08

It was good while it lasted, Fred.

0:36:100:36:14

I've tried, throughout this war,

0:36:140:36:17

to maintain my sense of humour.

0:36:170:36:20

But now I'm really unamused.

0:36:220:36:27

MEN GRUMBLE AND LAUGH

0:36:360:36:40

What are you men so happy about?

0:36:440:36:46

Captain Roberts. He's on grand form tonight, sir.

0:36:460:36:50

What do you mean?

0:36:500:36:51

-Well, the orders that he gave the men were not strictly according to the drill manual.

-Really?

0:36:510:36:56

Yes, sir. He said, "Fall in, you blank, blank, blank, blank.

0:36:560:37:00

"We're going up the blanking line and if we see any blanking Boche,

0:37:000:37:03

"we're going to shove their blanking bombs up their blanking...shirts."

0:37:030:37:08

-Did he actually say shirts, Dodd?

-No, sir.

0:37:080:37:12

You'll have to excuse Captain Roberts.

0:37:120:37:14

I'm afraid he's taken the loss of the printer somewhat badly.

0:37:140:37:17

Sir.

0:37:170:37:18

BOMB EXPLODES

0:37:200:37:22

At least the old girl has been put to some use.

0:37:260:37:29

A distinguished end to her literary career.

0:37:290:37:32

Part of a transverse wall of C4 trench number six post.

0:37:320:37:36

Men and party coming through.

0:37:360:37:38

Well, I assumed it wasn't a delegation from the general staff.

0:37:380:37:43

You wouldn't find them at this end of the muddy stick.

0:37:430:37:46

You must be, Roberts.

0:37:460:37:47

-Sir.

-I hear you're quite the thorn in the red hats' backsides.

0:37:470:37:51

-Good man.

-BOMB EXPLODES

0:37:510:37:53

-Off we go, boys.

-Good luck, Colonel.

0:37:530:37:56

Who was that?

0:38:020:38:04

Commanding officer of the Royal Scots Fusiliers.

0:38:040:38:06

Why was he wearing a French tin hat?

0:38:060:38:08

A bit of a personality, somewhat eccentric.

0:38:080:38:11

Always suggesting the top brass come down to the front

0:38:110:38:14

and get a taste of the action.

0:38:140:38:15

He won't last long, will he? What's his name?

0:38:150:38:17

Name's Churchill.

0:38:170:38:18

Heard a rumour, sir.

0:38:190:38:21

Don't tell me, the Kaiser has been

0:38:210:38:23

arrested by Field Marshal Hindenburg and shot as a spy?

0:38:230:38:27

Not exactly, sir, no.

0:38:270:38:28

It's a friend of a friend of a friend, has told me...

0:38:280:38:31

-BOMB EXPLODES

-He happens to know the whereabouts of a lovely little hand-jigger.

0:38:310:38:35

Speak English, Sergeant.

0:38:350:38:36

It's a printing press, sir. And word has it there's a lot more type.

0:38:360:38:40

Priceless, Sergeant.

0:38:400:38:42

Only drawback, sir, is its current location.

0:38:420:38:44

-Which is where?

-Hellfire Corner.

0:38:440:38:46

Oh, dear. That's the Hellfire Corner, the most dangerous place on the Salient.

0:38:460:38:50

Hottest place in the world, sir.

0:38:500:38:52

Where life expectancy is about, what? 60 seconds?

0:38:520:38:55

If that, sir.

0:38:550:38:57

Well, it would be an

0:38:570:38:59

act of pure folly to risk lives rescuing a printing press.

0:38:590:39:03

So no sensible commanding officer could possibly sanction it,

0:39:030:39:05

is that clear?

0:39:050:39:07

Very clear, sir.

0:39:070:39:08

Good luck, Sergeant.

0:39:090:39:10

GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS

0:39:110:39:13

-Why do they call it Hellfire Corner, Sar'nt?

-Why do you think, Dodd?

0:39:130:39:17

-Dodd doesn't think!

-Shut up, Smithy, before Fritz shuts you up for good.

0:39:170:39:21

This bloody thing weighs a ton.

0:39:210:39:23

If you drop it you'll find out about hellfire from me.

0:39:230:39:25

Now run, you bugger!

0:39:250:39:26

Ah, well. So that is a hand jigger.

0:39:320:39:36

Pardon my French.

0:39:370:39:38

God bless this printer and all the jokes who fail in her.

0:39:380:39:42

Eh, sir! Careful of the printer.

0:39:420:39:44

Careful of the champagne more like.

0:39:440:39:45

You mustn't waste this stuff there's a war on.

0:39:450:39:47

Is there? I had no idea.

0:39:470:39:49

Better make sure the Germans don't get hold of it.

0:39:490:39:52

CORK POPS

0:39:520:39:53

Too slow. There we go.

0:39:560:39:58

How on earth did you get hold of this?

0:39:590:40:01

Well, I had a bit of luck at cards with some of the brass hats

0:40:010:40:05

billeted at the chateau.

0:40:050:40:06

As it turned out, magnificent cellar.

0:40:060:40:09

To the hand jigger.

0:40:110:40:13

CHEERING

0:40:130:40:15

Ladies and gentlemen,

0:40:180:40:21

welcome to the latest venue in our grand tour of Flanders.

0:40:210:40:24

The Neuve Eglise Hippodrome, where our doors are always open.

0:40:240:40:29

Tonight, we are honoured to present a show to die for.

0:40:310:40:34

The grand new revue, Over The Top.

0:40:340:40:36

Positively the greatest spectacular performance ever staged.

0:40:380:40:43

And topping the bill,

0:40:430:40:44

it's musical merriment from our very own sapper songbirds,

0:40:440:40:48

Trench And Foot, with their delightful ditty, Minor Worries.

0:40:480:40:53

# If the Hun lets off some gas never mind

0:40:550:40:59

# If the Hun attacks in mass never mind

0:40:590:41:04

# If your dugout's blown to bits

0:41:050:41:08

# Or the CO's throwing fits

0:41:080:41:10

# Or a crump your rum jar hits never mind

0:41:100:41:13

# Oh, never mind

0:41:130:41:15

# If your trench is mud knee-high never mind

0:41:170:41:20

# You can't find a spot that's high never mind

0:41:200:41:24

# Oh, never mind

0:41:240:41:26

# If a sniper has you set through dents in your parapet

0:41:280:41:31

# And your troubles fiercer get never mind

0:41:310:41:35

# Oh, never mind

0:41:350:41:38

# If machine guns join the muddle never mind

0:41:400:41:44

# Though you're lying in a puddle never mind

0:41:440:41:47

# Oh, never mind

0:41:470:41:49

# If the duck board barks your shin

0:41:490:41:50

# And the barbed wire rips your skin

0:41:500:41:52

# 'Tis reward for all your sin never mind

0:41:520:41:56

# Oh, never mind. #

0:41:560:41:59

Gas! Gas! Gas!

0:42:020:42:05

ALARM BELL RINGS

0:42:050:42:08

Looks good, Jack.

0:42:380:42:39

Harris and his devils have done a fine job.

0:42:400:42:45

HE CHOKES

0:42:450:42:47

It's nothing to worry about.

0:42:500:42:51

The quacks say I'll be right as rain and back on the front line in no time.

0:42:510:42:55

-Are you sure?

-Mm. Thank you.

0:42:550:42:57

I'm one of the lucky ones.

0:43:000:43:02

I'm still here.

0:43:020:43:04

Well, you were lucky.

0:43:040:43:05

Apparently, Fritz has developed a new type of stink bomb.

0:43:050:43:08

Makes you wretch so you have to take off your gas mask and then the chlorine kills you.

0:43:080:43:12

Fiendish.

0:43:120:43:13

HE CHOKES

0:43:130:43:16

Excuse me.

0:43:170:43:18

What about Henderson?

0:43:290:43:31

I'm very sorry.

0:43:350:43:37

Well, the good news is, we still have plenty of material

0:43:370:43:40

coming in from our distinguished contributors.

0:43:400:43:42

-Please, tell me it isn't all poetry.

-Fine. It isn't all poetry.

0:43:420:43:46

That's a lie. It is all poetry.

0:43:460:43:48

Damn and blast. Alert the medical orderlies, Jack.

0:43:480:43:51

There's been a serious outbreak of poet-itus.

0:43:510:43:53

Subalterns are being seen with notebook in one hand,

0:43:530:43:56

a bomb in the other,

0:43:560:43:57

absently walking near the wire in deep communion with the muse.

0:43:570:44:00

It's probably because spring is in the air.

0:44:000:44:03

The picture of little lambs

0:44:030:44:04

gambolling among the whizz-bangs is so beautiful and romantic.

0:44:040:44:07

I've had enough verse. Doctor!

0:44:070:44:09

I demand an injection of prose.

0:44:090:44:11

What we do have is, a lot of letters to the editor.

0:44:110:44:17

This chap here wants to know why we don't write more about the war.

0:44:170:44:20

-I rather thought we did?

-No the "wider" war.

0:44:200:44:23

The "big picture" et cetera.

0:44:230:44:25

We can't write about the "wider war" because we have no idea what's going on.

0:44:250:44:28

-We're just fighting in it.

-Well, it's lucky we have illustrious war correspondents

0:44:280:44:32

like William Beach Thomas to keep us informed.

0:44:320:44:34

Teach Bomas? That idiot.

0:44:340:44:36

-Are you trying to make me feel worse?

-He's highly respected

0:44:360:44:39

because he always manages to write from the "thick of the action".

0:44:390:44:42

-Funny how we've never actually seen him though, isn't it?

-Fred, you're being cynical.

0:44:420:44:45

He must know what he's talking about. He's in the Daily Mail.

0:44:450:44:49

I am here, in no man's land, where all hell has broken loose.

0:44:540:45:00

The air is thick with bullets and shells but I don't mind that.

0:45:050:45:09

And now I'm climbing up a conveniently dangling

0:45:090:45:11

rope into an observation balloon.

0:45:110:45:13

I'm now right above the battle

0:45:150:45:17

and looking down on the gallant charge of the, hmm, Umpshires.

0:45:170:45:23

Yes. The brave men of the 13th Umpshire Regiment,

0:45:230:45:30

charging straight at the elite Prussian guard -

0:45:300:45:33

who are all surrendering.

0:45:330:45:35

Yes, they are shouting, "Kamerad" and putting up their hands.

0:45:350:45:39

Same again, please.

0:45:390:45:42

I am now over the German battle lines where I can tell you,

0:45:420:45:46

with complete confidence,

0:45:460:45:48

that the cavalry are laying down a barrage of shells,

0:45:480:45:52

whilst the submarines have advanced into the wood.

0:45:520:45:55

This has been me, William Teach Bomas,

0:45:550:45:59

writing exclusively from the middle of the bottle. Sorry, battle.

0:45:590:46:02

Stop it, Jack. You're hurting me.

0:46:020:46:04

Shhh, would you two, please, behave!

0:46:040:46:07

There are very sick men here. This is not the Palace of Varieties.

0:46:070:46:12

No, no, the girls here are much prettier.

0:46:120:46:14

Splendid, Harris, that's much better

0:46:240:46:25

-I think he'll be very pleased with that.

-Thank you, sir.

0:46:250:46:30

Ah, what is it, Barnes?

0:46:370:46:39

Are you still taking submissions, sir?

0:46:390:46:41

We are as long as there is no poetry.

0:46:410:46:43

The editor has decided he is sick of rhyme.

0:46:430:46:46

The paper cannot live by poems alone.

0:46:460:46:49

Oh.

0:46:490:46:51

What have you got for me?

0:46:510:46:52

Nothing, sir.

0:46:540:46:55

Show me.

0:46:550:46:56

To My Chum. Sounds suspiciously like a poem to me, Barnes.

0:47:050:47:09

It's about Henderson, sir.

0:47:110:47:12

Ah.

0:47:140:47:15

Well, I'm sure we can make an exception in that case.

0:47:160:47:19

"No more we'll share the same old barn

0:47:230:47:26

"The same old dug-out the same old yarn

0:47:260:47:29

"No more a tin of bully share

0:47:300:47:32

"Nor split our rum by a star-shell's glare

0:47:330:47:36

"So long, old lad

0:47:370:47:38

"What times we've had both good and bad.

0:47:400:47:44

"We've shared what shelter could be had

0:47:440:47:48

"The same crump-hole when the whizz-bangs shrieked

0:47:480:47:51

"The same old billet that always leaked

0:47:510:47:54

"And now - you've stopped one

0:47:550:47:58

"We'd weathered the storms two winters long

0:48:010:48:04

"We'd managed to grin when all went wrong

0:48:040:48:06

"Because together we'd fought and fed

0:48:060:48:08

"Our hearts were light but now, you're dead...

0:48:100:48:14

"..and I am mate-less."

0:48:160:48:17

Missed, bad luck. Not artillery by any chance?

0:48:420:48:47

-Sir.

-Good to see you, Fred. Fully recovered?

0:48:500:48:54

Fighting fit, sir.

0:48:540:48:56

Ready to be as "offensive" as possible?

0:48:560:48:58

Ah excellent. Ah, so now it's The Kemmel Times?

0:49:000:49:04

Well, they will keep moving us around, sir,

0:49:040:49:06

and now we seem to have become infantry.

0:49:060:49:08

Modern warfare's all about flexibility, Fred.

0:49:080:49:12

Take the cavalry, now they're riding tanks. Whatever next?

0:49:120:49:16

Anyway, you'd be glad to hear you're going to have a change of scenery.

0:49:160:49:19

Your days in the Salient are over.

0:49:190:49:22

I'll miss it, sir.

0:49:240:49:25

Unlike the Boche artillery, which has made rather a mess of it.

0:49:250:49:29

I'm not altogether keen on their idea of landscape gardening.

0:49:290:49:32

I think you'll prefer your next posting.

0:49:320:49:34

Ah!

0:49:410:49:43

-Frere Jacques!

-Bonjour!

0:49:430:49:46

How was leave?

0:49:460:49:47

Well, Amiens really is most agreeable.

0:49:470:49:49

Top-notch cathedral which, sadly, I didn't have time to visit.

0:49:490:49:53

Here, fromage.

0:49:530:49:54

Oh. Merci.

0:49:540:49:56

-Fromage Bleu.

-Oh, merci buckets.

0:49:560:49:58

But Madame Fifi assures me it's one of the finest

0:49:580:50:01

examples of Gothic Architecture in Northern France.

0:50:010:50:05

And Madame Fifi is...?

0:50:050:50:06

Absolutely charming.

0:50:060:50:08

Runs a delightful little club where if you buy a bottle of champagne,

0:50:080:50:11

the girls very kindly agree to sit on your knee.

0:50:110:50:14

-Oh.

-You really must go there.

0:50:140:50:16

In fact, everyone must go there.

0:50:160:50:18

I'm giving all ranks one day's leave in Amiens.

0:50:180:50:22

And that's an order!

0:50:220:50:23

It's a bit far, isn't it?

0:50:230:50:25

It won't be - we're on the move again.

0:50:250:50:27

Really? Where to?

0:50:270:50:28

You'll love it, apparently it's very pretty, indeed.

0:50:280:50:31

Oh, capital. What's it called?

0:50:310:50:33

The Somme.

0:50:330:50:34

MARCHING

0:50:340:50:36

Zero minus three.

0:50:500:50:51

BOMBS EXPLODE

0:50:510:50:53

I'm sorry, Jack, this issue's a bit thin.

0:50:530:50:56

Not even sure we'll make the deadline.

0:50:560:50:58

BOMB EXPLODES CLOSE BY

0:50:580:51:02

Well, we have had other calls on our time.

0:51:020:51:04

Perhaps we should wait and bring it out after the grand show.

0:51:040:51:07

BOMB EXPLODES

0:51:070:51:09

No. I think sooner is better than later.

0:51:090:51:13

DISTANT GUNFIRE AND EXPLOSIONS

0:51:150:51:18

A harpsichord of hate...

0:51:180:51:20

performed to an audience of terrified Teutons.

0:51:200:51:24

-I rather like that.

-Yes?

0:51:240:51:27

I must remember it if I ever get out of this.

0:51:270:51:29

Rum ration.

0:51:320:51:34

Rum ration, Sergeant. It's time to give the boys a tot.

0:51:340:51:37

Sir.

0:51:370:51:39

BOMB EXPLODES

0:51:420:51:45

Dodd's too young. I'll have his.

0:51:450:51:47

We don't want you incapable, Smith.

0:51:470:51:49

How would you tell, Sar'nt?

0:51:490:51:51

Any chance of seconds?

0:51:510:51:53

No, it's bad for your health.

0:51:530:51:55

BOMB EXPLODES

0:51:550:51:57

Swine. Can't even let a man have a drink in peace.

0:51:570:52:01

S'cuse me for asking, sir, but there's rumours going round.

0:52:020:52:06

Is this the big push?

0:52:060:52:08

I'm afraid such information is hush-hush, Dodd. Who told you that?

0:52:080:52:11

Germans, sir. They've been shouting out across no man's land.

0:52:110:52:15

Yes, well, perhaps it isn't the best kept military

0:52:150:52:17

secret in the history of the British military.

0:52:170:52:20

Zero minus one.

0:52:260:52:27

All right, men. Just wanted to say,

0:52:350:52:38

whatever happens, you know you can

0:52:380:52:43

rely on the old division to give a good account of itself.

0:52:430:52:46

Even Dodd, sir?

0:52:460:52:47

Especially Dodd.

0:52:480:52:49

So, here to all you lads.

0:52:490:52:53

The game's started, so keep the ball rolling and remember,

0:52:560:53:00

the only good Hun is a dead Hun.

0:53:000:53:03

MEN CHEER

0:53:030:53:05

No jokes?

0:53:170:53:19

A bit short of jokes.

0:53:190:53:20

There was a young girl of the Somme...

0:53:260:53:29

..Who sat on a number five bomb...

0:53:300:53:32

She thought was a dud 'un but it went off sudden...

0:53:370:53:40

Her exit she made with aplomb.

0:53:410:53:43

MEN LAUGH

0:53:430:53:45

MEN SHOUT

0:53:490:53:52

BOMBS EXPLODE

0:53:520:53:54

GUNFIRE

0:53:570:53:59

MEN SHOUT

0:53:590:54:02

Did you know it's still going on?

0:54:120:54:13

The War? Yes, apparently it is.

0:54:130:54:17

No, this mutinous magazine.

0:54:170:54:19

They promised to stop producing it, erm, when the war is over.

0:54:190:54:22

Just listen to this. "Realising that men must laugh.

0:54:220:54:26

"Some wise man devised the staff."

0:54:260:54:29

Is that supposed to be funny?

0:54:290:54:31

Well, it's funnier than what I'm reading.

0:54:310:54:33

It's a subversive attack on the entire high command. It continues...

0:54:330:54:38

"Let them lead the simple life far from all our vulgar strife."

0:54:380:54:42

My God, that's us they're talking about.

0:54:420:54:45

"Lest their relatives might grieve often, often give them leave

0:54:450:54:49

"Decorations too, galore What on earth could man wish more?"

0:54:490:54:54

We cannot allow this scurrilous insubordination to go unpunished.

0:54:540:54:58

"And yet, alas, so goes the rumour

0:55:000:55:02

"The staff all lack a sense of humour."

0:55:020:55:04

Utter rubbish.

0:55:050:55:07

It's not all rude rhymes.

0:55:070:55:08

In fact, er, they've put in a rather helpful glossary of military terms.

0:55:080:55:13

Really?

0:55:130:55:14

"Duds, there are two kinds -

0:55:140:55:17

"a shell on impact failing to explode is called a dud.

0:55:170:55:20

"These are unhappily less plentiful on the other kind of dud."

0:55:200:55:24

-Go on.

-"The kind that draws a large salary

0:55:240:55:26

"and explodes for no reason far behind the fighting area."

0:55:260:55:30

The battlefield is not a place for humour!

0:55:300:55:33

Humour, my dear Howfield,

0:55:330:55:35

is what separates civilisation from incivility.

0:55:350:55:39

Us from the Boche.

0:55:390:55:40

Whilst Roberts and his men are busy writing poems poking fun at us

0:55:410:55:45

brass hats, the Germans' equivalent literary contribution is

0:55:450:55:49

a hymn of hate.

0:55:490:55:51

-Have you heard it?

-Course I've heard it.

0:55:510:55:53

Has all the subtlety of a dawn barrage from Big Bertha.

0:55:530:55:56

What the Germans sing or don't sing is irrelevant.

0:55:560:55:59

We have to maintain discipline in our army,

0:55:590:56:01

or the result is defeatism and anarchy.

0:56:010:56:05

I still say something should be done about Captain Roberts.

0:56:050:56:08

Oh? Something has been done.

0:56:080:56:10

He's been awarded the Military Cross for gallantry.

0:56:110:56:14

"Captain FJ Roberts, 12th Sherwood Foresters,

0:56:190:56:22

"24th Division, for conspicuous gallantry

0:56:220:56:24

"and devotion to duty in the battle of the Somme on August 12th 1916.

0:56:240:56:31

"Captain Roberts showed outstanding leadership under fire

0:56:310:56:34

"as Company Commander.

0:56:340:56:36

"Throughout he behaved most gallantly."

0:56:360:56:38

# If you're waking call me early call me early, Sergeant, dear

0:56:400:56:46

# For I'm very, very weary and my warrants come, I hear

0:56:460:56:49

# It is Blighty for a spell my old troubles are all packed

0:56:500:56:55

# So keep the war a-going, Sar'nt it's all yours till I'm back. #

0:56:550:57:00

Maitre d', maitre d'?

0:57:070:57:09

Oh, I-I was saying - Pearson.

0:57:090:57:10

Pearson's priceless and Harris is an ace with the inkies.

0:57:100:57:14

And you'd be amazed at the sort of stuff that comes in from the chaps.

0:57:140:57:16

The spoofs of Kipling and Sherlock Holmes and...

0:57:160:57:20

the Rubaiyat of Omar whats-it.

0:57:200:57:22

And limericks and jokes from all sorts of unlikely...

0:57:220:57:25

Slow down, Fred, I'm not going anywhere.

0:57:250:57:27

But did I tell you about the poet, Gilbert Frankau contributing?

0:57:280:57:32

Now there's someone who's actually famous, now he's working for us.

0:57:320:57:35

You did mention it once or twice.

0:57:350:57:37

There's a very promising writer called Sherriff, who's good at little dramatic squibs.

0:57:370:57:41

Oh, and one of the men has started carving drawings on wood blocks.

0:57:410:57:45

So we're almost up there with the Illustrated London News.

0:57:450:57:50

You make it all sound such fun.

0:57:500:57:51

It would be if the infernal general staff didn't keep

0:57:510:57:54

insisting on us fighting all the time.

0:57:540:57:56

Oh, Sommelier? Could we have another bottle of the '97?

0:57:580:58:01

Darling, can we afford all this?

0:58:010:58:04

Of course we can't! Not on a captain's pay.

0:58:040:58:07

But as luck would have it, I ran into a general in the boat home

0:58:070:58:10

and I won a hand or two at cards.

0:58:100:58:12

I do hope he's better at strategy than he is at bridge.

0:58:120:58:15

Same old Fred.

0:58:150:58:16

Well, not quite.

0:58:190:58:20

It's the quiet.

0:58:530:58:54

It's keeping me awake.

0:58:570:58:58

What's it really like?

0:59:020:59:04

You know what the basis for this war is?

0:59:080:59:10

Mud.

0:59:120:59:13

And sticking through the mud at various places you can see

0:59:170:59:21

pieces of towns.

0:59:210:59:23

And out there are the trenches.

0:59:250:59:27

One set for our men, one for the Boche.

0:59:290:59:32

With thick wire fences in front of them.

0:59:320:59:34

And time passes slowly.

0:59:380:59:41

So, by way of amusement,

0:59:450:59:47

one side will try to get in the other's trench and bring back a man.

0:59:470:59:52

And the score is 1-0 for the night.

0:59:520:59:54

May seem a bit slow, taking the enemy one by one,

0:59:570:59:59

when there are millions more out there.

0:59:591:00:01

It all helps to pass the time.

1:00:031:00:04

Till Christmas, when the war's going to end.

1:00:061:00:09

Is it?

1:00:101:00:11

Oh, yes. We just don't know which Christmas.

1:00:111:00:14

We are winning?

1:00:171:00:18

I'm not sure anyone knows.

1:00:191:00:23

I fought in a battle...

1:00:271:00:28

..which was an epic of futility.

1:00:311:00:35

No-one could even speculate what the battle was supposed to achieve.

1:00:381:00:42

In fact, there was never the

1:00:441:00:45

slightest chance of achieving anything at all.

1:00:451:00:48

Apart from the flower of British manhood...

1:00:511:00:53

..being hurled to a squalid death.

1:00:541:00:57

-This isn't like you, Fred.

-I'm sorry.

1:00:571:00:59

Most of us have been cured of any illusion

1:01:021:01:04

we may have had about the pomp and glory of war...

1:01:041:01:07

..and now know it as the vilest disaster that can befall mankind.

1:01:091:01:14

War is nothing more than wallowing in a dirty ditch.

1:01:221:01:27

Are you going back?

1:01:311:01:33

Of course.

1:01:361:01:37

MARCHING

1:01:391:01:42

'If you can live on bully and a biscuit

1:01:501:01:53

'And thank your stars that you've a tot of rum

1:01:531:01:56

'Dodge whizz-bangs with a grin

1:01:561:01:58

'And as you risk it, talk glibly of the pretty way they hum

1:01:581:02:02

'If you can crawl through wire and crump-holes reeking

1:02:031:02:06

'With feet of liquid mud

1:02:061:02:08

'And keep your head turned always to the place which you are seeking

1:02:081:02:12

'Through dread of crying you will laugh instead

1:02:121:02:15

'If you can grin, at last when handing over

1:02:161:02:19

'And finish well, what you have well begun

1:02:191:02:23

'And think a muddy ditch a bed of clover

1:02:231:02:26

'You will be a soldier one day then my son.'

1:02:261:02:30

Section, halt!

1:02:401:02:41

Give us a cigarette, Dodd.

1:02:441:02:47

We must be here. Because this, here, is over there.

1:02:481:02:53

-Where are we, sir?

-If I'm not mistaken,

1:02:541:02:57

we're back at Wipers.

1:02:571:02:59

You sure, sir?

1:03:011:03:02

Pretty sure.

1:03:151:03:16

We've come a long way in the last 18 months, haven't we?

1:03:211:03:25

I'd say approximately 30 yards.

1:03:251:03:27

Find out what the hell monsieur thinks he's up to, would you, Jack?

1:03:301:03:34

Monsieur! Bonjour!

1:03:371:03:38

-Sergeant?

-Sir?

1:03:381:03:40

Make sure the printer's come in one piece.

1:03:401:03:42

I thought the GS wagon we put it on looked pretty ropey.

1:03:421:03:45

-Sir.

-Thank you.

1:03:451:03:47

-I don't think you're going to believe this.

-Try me.

1:03:501:03:54

He's with the Michelin guide.

1:03:541:03:56

They're preparing a tourist handbook for the battlefields.

1:03:561:03:59

Oh, so this is...? This is going to be a holiday destination?

1:03:591:04:02

Apparently so.

1:04:021:04:03

We should consider ourselves fortunate

1:04:031:04:05

-we're among the first to have seen the sights.

-Yes.

1:04:051:04:08

Did you ask him to recommend any top class restaurants in the vicinity?

1:04:081:04:11

This is beyond parody. You couldn't make it up.

1:04:111:04:14

Right. Come on men. Forward march.

1:04:151:04:19

Onwards.

1:04:191:04:20

He'll be put out of a job soon.

1:04:221:04:24

Should we see if the old editorial den's still standing?

1:04:241:04:28

It'll be like old times.

1:04:281:04:29

Yes, very old times. Back when there were no buildings at all.

1:04:291:04:34

Oh, tell me, Sergeant, how many Es in Wenceslas?

1:04:441:04:48

As many of the little blighters as I can find, sir.

1:04:481:04:51

Which, at the moment, is none.

1:04:511:04:53

Very well. I always thought the good king was over encumbered with Es.

1:04:531:04:59

We're also short of paper, sir.

1:04:591:05:01

We... We've got a bumper Christmas issue to produce.

1:05:011:05:05

I'm sure the readers will understand

1:05:051:05:07

if the issue's less than the advertised 20 pages.

1:05:071:05:10

We've dropped the pen in favour of the sword

1:05:101:05:13

and gone to liberate some French villages.

1:05:131:05:15

No, we promised our readers 20 pages, and 20 pages they shall have.

1:05:151:05:19

Well, that's all well and good, sir,

1:05:191:05:21

but it doesn't get around our problem. No poo paper.

1:05:211:05:23

If I can find something funny to say about another Christmas

1:05:231:05:27

on the front line...

1:05:271:05:29

then I'm sure you can find some paper in Ypres, Sergeant.

1:05:291:05:34

I'll do my best, sir.

1:05:351:05:36

Thank you.

1:05:361:05:38

I had a profitable hand of Brag with Bobbing Bobby.

1:05:401:05:43

If this issue comes out at all it'll be a miracle.

1:05:461:05:48

A miracle at Christmas.

1:05:541:05:56

This is the story of a soldier, Alfred Higgins,

1:05:561:06:00

or number 249921 Private Higgins A,

1:06:001:06:05

as he was officially known.

1:06:051:06:08

It was Christmas morning and Alfred was holding the line.

1:06:081:06:12

All was peace and goodwill.

1:06:121:06:15

The Gas Gongs were chiming out their message of joy to all mankind

1:06:151:06:18

and the merry bark of the pipsqueak, aided by the staccato cough of the

1:06:181:06:22

howitzer, combined to reassure Alfred that all was well with the world.

1:06:221:06:26

Alfred began to doze, when at last his sergeant came in sight.

1:06:271:06:32

"Higgins," said the Sergeant.

1:06:321:06:34

"Have you been drinking rum?"

1:06:341:06:37

"No, Sergeant. Honestly, Sergeant," said Higgins.

1:06:371:06:40

"Well, then," said the Sergeant.

1:06:401:06:42

"You must have some of mine."

1:06:421:06:45

Alfred was treated for severe shock

1:06:451:06:48

and never went to the front line again.

1:06:481:06:50

A happy Christmas and New Year to all!

1:06:521:06:55

And may next Christmas see the whole damn business over.

1:06:551:06:58

Bravo, Fred.

1:07:031:07:05

A festive tale to gladden the heart.

1:07:051:07:07

It's given me an idea.

1:07:091:07:11

Permission to go into the pub business?

1:07:111:07:13

Permission granted. What on earth are you talking about?

1:07:131:07:16

All right. Merci. Demain.

1:07:181:07:21

Demain deux fois, deux fois encore.

1:07:211:07:24

Very good.

1:07:241:07:25

-Welcome to the Foresters Arms.

-Very impressive.

1:07:271:07:31

Well, something had to be done.

1:07:311:07:33

The ambulances can't keep up with the casualties

1:07:331:07:35

and get the wounded back to base quick enough, so...

1:07:351:07:37

it's a sort of first aid post.

1:07:371:07:39

Or, rather, thirst aid post?

1:07:391:07:42

I'm terribly sorry.

1:07:421:07:43

That's dreadful.

1:07:431:07:45

Well done, lads.

1:07:451:07:46

There we are. One franc.

1:07:521:07:55

I've no money, sir.

1:07:551:07:56

Oh, dear. Well, then I shall have to insist on giving it to you for free.

1:07:561:08:00

-Cheers, sir.

-What the bloody hell is going on here?!

1:08:001:08:04

You're meant to be a soldier not a bloody publican.

1:08:041:08:07

-Yes, sir, I was just...

-I want it closed down immediately.

1:08:071:08:10

-I'm afraid that's not possible.

-What?

1:08:101:08:11

The Foresters Arms is providing a vital service to these men

1:08:111:08:14

and following a petition from the divisional chaplaincies,

1:08:141:08:17

the Foresters Arms has been authorised to continue its essential work.

1:08:171:08:20

On whose authority? General Mitford's?

1:08:201:08:23

Field Marshall Haig's?

1:08:231:08:24

Higher than that.

1:08:241:08:25

You damned devil dodgers are going to undermine the whole war!

1:08:291:08:32

-May I add my own note of caution, Captain Pearson?

-Sir?

1:08:411:08:45

I hope this new venture, however admirable,

1:08:451:08:48

will not get in the way of your duties.

1:08:481:08:50

May I remind you that you are first and foremost assistant editor

1:08:501:08:56

of The Wipers Times.

1:08:561:08:58

Yes.

1:08:581:08:59

The General Staff are under severe pressure from the good ladies

1:09:001:09:05

of the Temperance Society.

1:09:051:09:07

Why?

1:09:071:09:09

From their unique vantage point on the home front, they attribute

1:09:091:09:14

all the army's reverses in the field to the effects of alcohol.

1:09:141:09:18

They seem to be under the impression that the trenches are awash

1:09:191:09:22

with the demon drink.

1:09:221:09:24

I can't imagine why they would think that.

1:09:241:09:26

Rum business, war.

1:09:261:09:29

But the high command has given the ladies their blessing

1:09:291:09:31

and whether we like it or not, we will all have to acknowledge that

1:09:311:09:35

alcohol is a serious issue.

1:09:351:09:37

So what do you propose?

1:09:371:09:39

Well, obviously, we'll have to do our bit...

1:09:401:09:43

and place a suitable advertisement in a responsible trench newspaper.

1:09:431:09:49

Do you have a drink habit?

1:09:491:09:50

Do you have a drink habit?

1:09:501:09:52

Do you have a drink habit?

1:09:521:09:53

If not, I can help you acquire one in three days.

1:09:531:09:58

If you, or any one you know, does not drink alcohol regularly,

1:09:581:10:01

they need my new book Confessions Of An Alcohol Slave.

1:10:011:10:06

I can cure anyone.

1:10:061:10:07

Take this once sad wretch.

1:10:071:10:08

I was a rabid teetotaller for the first 15 years of my life,

1:10:121:10:15

but thanks to Dr Supitup and his miracle cure

1:10:151:10:18

I now never go to bed sober.

1:10:181:10:20

All cases are treated in absolute confidence.

1:10:201:10:23

This incredible three-step guide to being a bona fide toper is yours now.

1:10:231:10:28

Just write to me, Dr Supitup, at Have Another Mansions,

1:10:281:10:31

in Bedfordshire.

1:10:311:10:33

KNOCK ON DOOR

1:10:341:10:36

You wanted to see me, sir?

1:10:361:10:38

Come in, Fred.

1:10:381:10:39

If it's about ragging the Temperance Society...

1:10:391:10:41

No, no, no. It isn't,

1:10:411:10:43

though I have had complaints that your version of the war

1:10:431:10:46

consists of nothing but wine, women and song.

1:10:461:10:49

Well, there has been the odd visit to Madame Fifi's.

1:10:511:10:54

I'd keep quiet about that if I were you, Fred.

1:10:541:10:56

Madame Fifi's is closed.

1:10:561:10:58

Napoo Madame Fifi? Quelle damage.

1:10:591:11:02

Sadly she had to leave her cosy club one dawn for an appointment

1:11:021:11:06

with the firing squad.

1:11:061:11:07

Madame Fifi was a spy?

1:11:091:11:11

Apparently she was extracting information from excitable

1:11:111:11:13

young officers

1:11:131:11:14

and passing it straight to Berlin.

1:11:141:11:16

My conscience is clear, sir.

1:11:161:11:18

I can't have given anything away about the war

1:11:181:11:21

because I don't know anything.

1:11:211:11:23

Like all British officers on the front line,

1:11:231:11:25

I'm kept completely in the dark.

1:11:251:11:28

I am amazed that, after all this time, you can find anything funny.

1:11:281:11:32

Oh, I don't know, sir. You would have to concede that it is somewhat

1:11:321:11:36

comical that we have spent years fighting our way through Flanders

1:11:361:11:41

only to end up right back where we started.

1:11:411:11:43

Then I think you'll find the news of your next deployment hilarious.

1:11:441:11:49

I can hardly wait, sir.

1:11:491:11:51

24th division is being sent back to The Somme.

1:11:511:11:54

And why not, sir?

1:11:571:11:59

It was such a success last time, why not do it all again?

1:11:591:12:04

That's the spirit. War's waking up.

1:12:041:12:07

Seconds out of the ring. Last round coming up.

1:12:071:12:10

Zero minus one.

1:12:121:12:13

EXPLOSION

1:12:131:12:14

Right, lads. You all know the drill by now.

1:12:171:12:20

-What's that you're drinking, Barnes?

-Water, sir.

1:12:201:12:24

Don't you know the water is not for drinking?

1:12:241:12:26

It's for putting in the radiators of the staff cars.

1:12:261:12:30

Don't do anything risky, never mind the water. Try some whisky.

1:12:301:12:34

Sir.

1:12:341:12:36

Ready, men?

1:12:361:12:37

Forward, the Foresters.

1:12:401:12:41

Give the Fritzes hell!

1:12:431:12:45

ALL SHOUT

1:12:511:12:53

Stop. Men.

1:13:151:13:17

Stop!

1:13:181:13:19

Hold your fire!

1:13:191:13:22

Sir?

1:13:221:13:23

They're already dead!

1:13:231:13:25

It's the gas. Their own gas.

1:13:281:13:31

The wind must have changed.

1:13:351:13:37

I thought they were a bit...passive.

1:13:401:13:44

What, you mean...

1:13:441:13:46

they didn't put up much of a fight?

1:13:461:13:48

Not very sporting, is it?

1:13:511:13:52

HE LAUGHS

1:13:521:13:55

Signing off before the show has even started.

1:13:551:13:57

Spoils the whole fun of war.

1:13:571:13:59

THEY LAUGH

1:13:591:14:02

Oh, Christ!

1:14:081:14:09

There was a little Hun and at war he tried his hand

1:14:391:14:43

And while the Hun was winning war was fine, you understand

1:14:431:14:47

When the others hit him back, he shouted in alarm

1:14:471:14:50

"A little drop of peace wouldn't do me any harm."

1:14:501:14:53

There was a young man of Avesnes...

1:15:231:15:26

Who took a stroll down a long shady lanes...

1:15:261:15:29

..He trod on a dud Half-hidden in mud

1:15:321:15:36

He never will do it agains.

1:15:361:15:39

Well up to our usual terrible standard.

1:15:401:15:43

Sir, we've heard a rumour that the Germans have surrendered.

1:15:451:15:48

Well, if that is the case, Corporal,

1:15:501:15:52

someone really ought to tell their artillery.

1:15:521:15:55

Yes, and if Fritz really is waving the white flag,

1:15:551:15:57

he might have the decency to stop firing at us.

1:15:571:16:00

So you don't think it's true then, sir?

1:16:001:16:02

All I'm prepared to say is that the tide is apparently turned

1:16:041:16:08

and perhaps, at last, we can all look forward to better times.

1:16:081:16:14

Better Times.

1:16:151:16:16

It's a good name for a title.

1:16:171:16:19

EXPLOSION

1:16:341:16:36

Letter to the editor.

1:16:421:16:44

Is it genuine?

1:16:441:16:45

Absolutely. I just genuinely made it up.

1:16:451:16:48

"Dear sir. I hear that when it's all over,

1:16:491:16:52

"people who joined up early are going to be demobilised first.

1:16:521:16:56

"This is very unfair

1:16:561:16:59

"since they obviously much more eager to be in the army than those of us

1:16:591:17:02

"who joined up reluctantly later.

1:17:021:17:05

"So surely we should go home sooner?

1:17:051:17:08

"Yours, Lance Corporal A Slacker."

1:17:081:17:11

Very convincing argument.

1:17:111:17:12

EXPLOSION

1:17:161:17:18

You sure about this title, Better Times?

1:17:201:17:25

Apparently we only need one more big effort

1:17:251:17:28

and we can completely bust the hump.

1:17:281:17:30

You seem to be suffering from optimism.

1:17:301:17:33

Talking of which...

1:17:331:17:35

Harris thinks we can go to a weekly edition,

1:17:351:17:38

despite brother Boche's best efforts to prevent all forms of journalism

1:17:381:17:43

by filling the office with shrapnel yesterday.

1:17:431:17:47

-Why weekly? Why not a daily?

-Now who's suffering from optimism?

1:17:471:17:51

We're selling like hot cakes.

1:17:511:17:53

Is that good? I can't remember what a hot cake tastes like.

1:17:541:17:58

We're even selling out on the home front.

1:17:581:18:00

It would take a lot more copy.

1:18:021:18:04

Surely there's enough jokers out there

1:18:041:18:07

and more than enough poets to fill the space.

1:18:071:18:10

EXPLOSION

1:18:111:18:13

-It's a signal for you, sir.

-Thank you, Harris.

1:18:131:18:16

My God!

1:18:281:18:29

What is it?

1:18:311:18:32

It's all over.

1:18:361:18:37

What, sir, just like that?

1:18:431:18:46

"Official radio from Paris. 6.01 am.

1:18:461:18:49

"November 11th 1918.

1:18:501:18:52

"Marshal Foch to Commander in Chief.

1:18:541:18:57

"Hostilities will be stopped along entire front at 11 o'clock."

1:18:571:19:01

Fini la guerre.

1:19:041:19:06

Looks like it.

1:19:101:19:11

Napoo Boche.

1:19:131:19:14

So it would seem.

1:19:181:19:19

It's an armistice.

1:19:221:19:24

No big show then, no final push to Berlin?

1:19:251:19:28

EXPLOSION

1:19:351:19:37

Shall I, er, tell the men then, sir?

1:19:391:19:42

EXPLOSION

1:19:421:19:45

Thank you, Sergeant.

1:19:451:19:47

And tell them to keep their bloody heads down until 11 o'clock.

1:19:471:19:51

Sir.

1:19:511:19:52

So, Jack...

1:19:581:19:59

..our swords are going to be turned into ploughshares.

1:20:011:20:04

Mmm.

1:20:041:20:06

The order of the bowler hat for us.

1:20:061:20:08

We're going home.

1:20:121:20:13

Shouldn't we be celebrating?

1:20:201:20:22

I suppose we should.

1:20:271:20:29

Hmm.

1:20:291:20:32

OK, lads. Well... just received a wire...

1:20:531:20:57

Now that we've actually won the war, I hope that your scribbler friends

1:21:221:21:26

in The Wipers Times will treat the staff with a little more respect.

1:21:261:21:29

Yes, indeed. In fact,

1:21:291:21:30

they're recommending the staff be awarded more medals.

1:21:301:21:33

About time.

1:21:331:21:34

The want special recognition for all those martyrs

1:21:341:21:37

who've had to endure wearying years of soft jobs back at the base

1:21:371:21:41

and have missed out on all the fun of the front line.

1:21:411:21:44

And welcome back to the European Theatre for our grand finale.

1:21:491:21:53

Sadly Keiser Bill Hohenzollern will not be appearing as he has

1:21:561:22:00

an alternative engagement singing My Old Dutch in Holland.

1:22:001:22:04

Also not on the bill are the famous Crumps.

1:22:061:22:10

And the little pipsqueaks.

1:22:131:22:14

And Duddy...whizz-bang!

1:22:181:22:24

Yes! The show mustn't go on.

1:22:271:22:30

You've seen the horrors of war.

1:22:301:22:31

Now prepare for the horrors of peace.

1:22:311:22:34

You were an army of occupation.

1:22:341:22:35

Now you're going to be an army of no occupation.

1:22:351:22:38

THEY BOO

1:22:381:22:39

So without further ado,

1:22:391:22:41

let's have one last encore from Tommy Atkins with

1:22:411:22:45

a delightfully delicious ditty - costumes kindly provided by Messrs

1:22:451:22:48

D Mob & Co - the celebrated tailors of Cheap Street.

1:22:481:22:51

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1:22:511:22:54

# So scrap the mortar mine and shell

1:22:561:22:59

# The job's completely done and well

1:22:591:23:03

# We're done with mud and rats and stench

1:23:031:23:07

# Hope never again to see a trench... #

1:23:071:23:11

That'll do, lads. We don't want to end the show on a low note.

1:23:141:23:17

# ..No more we'll hear machine guns rattle

1:23:171:23:21

# The minny's din the roar of battle

1:23:211:23:25

# The long lost years have been well worth

1:23:251:23:30

# If once again we've peace on earth... #

1:23:301:23:34

That's more like it. Now, come on, everybody,

1:23:341:23:36

let's see that demobilisation smile.

1:23:361:23:40

# ..Farewell to you To dear old Wipers

1:23:401:23:47

# For better times have come to pass

1:23:471:23:51

# And if they ask us back to Flanders

1:23:521:23:58

# We'll all say Shove it up your... #

1:23:581:24:02

A little decorum, gentlemen, please!

1:24:041:24:06

You are not in the army now!

1:24:061:24:08

Hmm. It's all very amusing,

1:24:191:24:23

but I'm sure that it is journalism.

1:24:231:24:27

Nowadays, ours is a very modern, high-pressure business.

1:24:271:24:30

Have you ever sat in a trench, in the middle of a battle

1:24:311:24:34

and corrected page proofs? You should try it.

1:24:341:24:37

I'm sure. But that was quite a long time ago.

1:24:371:24:41

And your CV is a bit sketchy on your more recent career.

1:24:431:24:46

I went back to prospecting.

1:24:481:24:50

Spent some time in Africa. Looking for gold.

1:24:501:24:52

Had some ups, had some downs.

1:24:521:24:55

Came home and thought I'd have a last shot at something,

1:24:551:24:58

which people were once kind enough to say that I was good at.

1:24:581:25:01

I thought if old Beach Thomas can get a job,

1:25:011:25:05

then surely I'd be in with a chance.

1:25:051:25:08

He's Sir William Beach Thomas

1:25:081:25:10

and he's one of our most distinguished correspondents.

1:25:101:25:14

Of course. I'm sorry.

1:25:151:25:17

Only he was a bit of a joke in the war.

1:25:181:25:20

Yes.

1:25:201:25:21

We're not really interested in jokes.

1:25:231:25:25

Modern writers tell the truth about the war.

1:25:251:25:28

Then perhaps I should write you a harrowing article about

1:25:301:25:33

how all was not quiet on the Western Front...

1:25:331:25:37

..and how with shells raining down upon us,

1:25:391:25:44

and the chilly November air being rent with fury, the sub-editor

1:25:441:25:49

and I drank a case of whiskey and shot the padre for cowardice

1:25:491:25:52

and said goodbye to all that.

1:25:521:25:54

Well, that's more like it.

1:25:561:25:58

No.

1:25:591:26:00

This was my truth.

1:26:031:26:05

I'm sorry for wasting your time.

1:26:091:26:11

No, no, no. Don't be so hasty.

1:26:111:26:13

Here's the thing.

1:26:151:26:16

I like you, Mr Roberts, I really do.

1:26:161:26:19

And it's clear you're clever with words.

1:26:191:26:22

So I think I might have something for you here.

1:26:221:26:24

How about you start work on the, er..

1:26:261:26:28

..the crossword?

1:26:301:26:31

You want me to compile the crossword?

1:26:371:26:40

Er, no. HELP compile the crossword.

1:26:401:26:43

See how things go. Better not rush things.

1:26:431:26:46

It's not exactly the front line of the circulation war, is it?

1:26:461:26:52

A chap in your position can't expect too much.

1:26:521:26:55

What do you think?

1:26:551:26:56

I think...

1:27:011:27:02

Er, you haven't given me an answer, Mr Roberts?

1:27:171:27:20

Mr Roberts?

1:27:221:27:24

Do you want this job or not?

1:27:241:27:27

Mr Roberts?

1:27:271:27:28

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