Marvellous


Marvellous

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Transcript


LineFromTo

This is my story.

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Right.

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This programme contains strong language.

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# My, my, my Delilah

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# Why, why, why, Delilah?

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# I could see that girl was no good for me

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# But I was lost like a slave that no man could free

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# I saw the light on the night that I passed by her window

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# I saw the flickering shadow of love on her blind

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# She was my woman

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# As she betrayed me I watched and went out of my mind

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# My, my, my Delilah

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# Why, why, why, Delilah?

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# I could see that girl was no good for me

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# But I was lost like a slave that no man could free

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# At break of day when that man drove away, I was waiting

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# I crossed the street to her house and she opened the door

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# She stood there laughing

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# I felt the knife in my hand

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# And she laughed no more

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# My, my, my Delilah

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# Why, why, why Delilah?

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# So before they come to break down the door

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# Forgive me Delilah I just couldn't take any more

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# Forgive me Delilah

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# I just couldn't take anymore! #

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Mr Capello? Mr Capello, me pay's short.

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Well, you're short, so now you match.

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I mean, it's supposed to be £25

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and it's not £25.

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So sue me.

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It's supposed to be £25 and it's not.

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You're more than welcome to go and see if Zippos will pay you any more.

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Now beggar off. We're on!

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What about, er...what about cooking?

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Cooking?

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Definitely no cooking!

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Oh! Oh...

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AUDIENCE: Aw!

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No cooking?

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I told you.

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No cooking, even with a frying pan?

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I told you, no cooking.

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All right. It's a deal...

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No cooking.

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LAUGHTER AND CHEERING

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All right. Now fuck off.

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Nello, ladies and gentlemen!

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COCKEREL CROWS

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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Can I help you?

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Yes. I'm a friend of the bishop.

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And...which bishop would that be?

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The Bishop of Keele. The Bishop of Lichfield.

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And the Archbishop of Canterbury is also a very good friend of mine.

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Could you give me a lift?

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Of course. Of course.

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Where would you need a lift to, exactly?

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Stoke-on-Trent.

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Right. Well, that's quite a drive.

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It is, yes. Thank you.

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I didn't necessarily say I'd...

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Have you had your breakfast?

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-I have indeed.

-No. I haven't.

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Very nice of you to ask. Thanks.

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Right.

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Yes.

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OK. OK. Thank you.

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I can take you as far as Dumfries

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and then your mum has arranged for your local vicar

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to come and get you from there.

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Marvellous.

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You've got a tow bar, haven't you?

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A tow bar?

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Why would I need a tow bar?

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Is there any more toast?

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GRUNTING AND PANTING

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Should he be wandering around the country on his own like this?

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He's clearly got special needs of some sort.

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Well, he doesn't have much trouble finding help.

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In fact, he seems positively blessed in that regard.

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Is he in the habit of doing this?

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Well, he does seem to view the church

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as being some sort of ecclesiastical AA.

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Oh. He says he's a good friend of the Bishop of Lichfield.

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Yes. That's true.

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And the Archbishop of Canterbury.

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Well, if Neil says he knows someone, then he usually does.

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How does he get to know them?

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By being Neil.

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Thanks.

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Oh...that's quite all right.

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Would you mind signing this before you go?

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A Bible?

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Are you sure? Slightly irregular.

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Thanks.

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No, no - not the front.

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That's my bishops and archbishops.

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There's space at the back for regular clergy.

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Right.

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So there is.

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I-I've got them all in there.

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Desmond Tutu. Terry Waite. Rowan Williams.

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Jimmy Greenhoff.

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I wasn't aware Jimmy Greenhoff had been ordained.

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He hasn't.

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He scored 76 goals in 274 games for Stoke City.

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He was marvellous.

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Right, right. Well, there you are.

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Thank you.

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Your mum will be pleased to see you.

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I'll bet she will.

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I'll be pleased to see her.

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The truth is she's not been so well lately.

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Right.

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And I know it's hard to think about these things,

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but your mum's not getting any younger.

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No. She's not.

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None of us are. And that's life.

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So we have to make the most of it.

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Oh...

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Hiya, Mum.

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There's a sight for sore eyes.

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Let me have a look at you.

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So how've you been keeping without me to keep an eye on you, like?

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LAUGHING: I've been tiptop, Neil. Tiptop.

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It's a robin.

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Oh, he's back, is he? He was here last week.

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I bet he missed you.

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I'll bet he did.

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That's why he's come back.

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SHE LAUGHS

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Neil, love.

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When I let you join that circus, you said they'd look after you.

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They did look after me.

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Just that one ringmaster took against me.

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It only takes one.

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I'm nice to people and people are nice to me.

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And if they're not nice to me, then there are other people who are.

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I won't be here forever.

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Dunna talk like that.

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We all die one day, Neil,

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until Jesus returns,

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and raises his sleeping followers from death

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and grants immortality to the faithful.

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So, there you are then.

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Jesus 1, Mary Baldwin, nil.

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I want to know that you can look after yourself

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when I'm not here to do it anymore.

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Not get taken advantage of.

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Hold down a job.

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I've got a job.

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You've been sacked.

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No. A new job. At the university.

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Oh, that's lovely.

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When did they offer you this?

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Tomorrow.

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When you first came to Keele, were you nervous?

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I'm never nervous.

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Hello. I'm Neil Baldwin. Welcome to Keele University.

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Hello.

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I'm Neil Baldwin.

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-Welcome to Keele University.

-All right?

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Hello, I'm Neil Baldwin. Welcome to Keele University.

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Hiya.

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Hello, I'm Neil Baldwin. Welcome to Keele University.

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Hiya. I'm Malcolm.

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Stoke City fan?

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I am, yes. Very much so.

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Are you?

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Yeah. Yeah, I am.

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So, do you work here, do you?

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Yes, I think I do.

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# Enjoy yourself

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# It's later than you think

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# Enjoy yourself

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# While you're still in the pink

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# The years go by

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# As quickly as a wink

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# Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself

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# It's later than you think

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# You work and work for years and years

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# You're always on the go

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# You never take a minute off

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# Too busy making dough

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# Someday you say you'll have your fun

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# When you're a millionaire

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# Imagine all the fun you'll have

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# In your old rocking chair

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# Enjoy yourself

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# It's later than you think

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# Enjoy yourself

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# While you're still in the pink

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# The years go by

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# As quickly as a wink

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# Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself

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# It's later than you think.

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# You're going to take that ocean trip

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# No matter, come what may

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# You've got your reservations but

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# You just can't get away

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# Next year, for sure you'll see the world

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# You'll really get around

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# But how far can you travel when you're six feet underground?

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# Enjoy yourself

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# It's later than you think

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# Enjoy yourself

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# While you're still in the pink

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# The years go by

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# As quickly as a wink

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# Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself

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# It's later than you think. #

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Is that a chaffinch?

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What exactly is it that you do up there, Neil?

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At the university?

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It is a chaffinch, you know. It's got wing bars.

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Neil Baldwin.

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As much as I love birds,

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I will not be knocked off course by plumage talk.

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What are you doing there at Keele?

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All sorts.

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And what does it pay, this "all sorts"?

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Look at the birds of the air.

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They neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns,

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and yet your Heavenly Father feeds them.

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When I started work,

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I read my Bible every dinner break

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and they made fun of me.

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They called me Holy Mary.

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I-I could be a vicar. Then I'd be Holy Neil.

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Is that why you don't want a normal job?

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Because you're worried they'll pick on you?

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I like the Church of England.

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I like performing.

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I believe in God.

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Well, that does put you three up

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on most of the Church of England clergy I've encountered.

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But there are other things you need, Neil.

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Bifocals.

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I was thinking qualifications.

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-All right, Nello?

-Hi, Steve. Wigan on Saturday!

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Who was that?

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Steve. He's a very good friend of mine.

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You never mentioned him before.

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I only met him yesterday.

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Well, the good news is

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they are looking for pot dippers at Susie Cooper's.

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I used to work for Susie Cooper's.

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I was the recipient of many a compliment on my eye for colour.

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I think our Neil's got the same.

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Thank you. But it's not what I'm looking for.

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What are you looking for?

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What would you like to do, Neil?

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I'd like to manage Stoke City.

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Or-or be a vicar.

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Either is fine. I'm flexible.

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OK. And what are you qualified to do?

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I help the students out at Keele and I'm a registered clown.

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Are you indeed?

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What've you gone and brought that here for?

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That's Nello.

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Did you do this?

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Just look at that paintwork.

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Not a million miles away from ceramics.

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That's right. He's a dab hand.

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You send an egg off with your make-up on

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and it's registered.

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You can sue anyone who steals your make-up.

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I don't think Elaine wants to hear about all that now.

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Uh...and are there any openings in the circus right now?

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Not at the moment, no.

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But Charlie Cairoli is a very good friend of mine.

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I've got his number, if you'd like it.

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Just say Neil said to ring him.

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-I meant for you...

-0-2-7-2, 4-9-6,

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0-7-2-5...

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Neil!

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Sorry. He does go off on tangents now and then.

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But you don't think he has any vacancies...for you?

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No. That's why I mentioned vicaring or football manager.

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It doesn't have to be Stoke,

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but I draw the line at Port Vale.

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There are schemes to help people into work

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who otherwise might have...

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difficulties.

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Why are you telling me that?

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Fruit pastilles do not count as fruit and you know it.

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You'll be turning me vegetarian if I'm not careful.

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If in doubt, when I'm not here, ask Doris on the till.

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She'll tell you what's healthy and what's not.

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Doris? She doesn't look all that well to me.

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She can keep an eye out for you.

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Looks like I should be keeping an eye on her.

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Oh, for goodness' sake!

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All I want to know is you can stand on your own two feet!

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More than my life's worth, Neil.

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I thought eggs were good for you.

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Mary? Are you all right, duck?

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Yes. Yes. Just the price of these tinned peaches.

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Taken the wind right out of me.

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Neil?

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I have been praying very hard about this,

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and you know what?

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I think you're ready for a place of your own.

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I've got a place of my own. This place.

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A place of your very own. Not too far away. A little flat.

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Move out?

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Of me home?

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Well, somewhere nice, you know.

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Where you can start to be more independent and manage, you know?

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But I do manage.

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When have I ever gone without?

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Do you think it's God's will?

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Well, that's a difficult one, but I think it might be, yes.

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Not my mum's will?

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I think, on this occasion, as is so often the case,

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your mother's will and God's will might be one and the same thing.

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Is that the choir?

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Yes. Are you joining? We're still short of baritones.

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I'd love to help you out, Mark, but I've got a lot of stuff to do.

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Oh, really? Like what?

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I'm behind on me bird watching. Gerry Cottle's Circus are in town.

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I'm writing an extra verse for the Lord's Prayer.

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You're not joking, are you?

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There's still half your Stoke City programmes up there.

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I'll come back for them.

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All grown up, eh? My Neil.

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Don't worry, Mum. I'll not forget you.

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This is very kind of you, Malcolm.

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"Give to him who asks you,

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"and from him who wants to borrow, do not turn away."

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Matthew 5.

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Well, I wouldn't say no to half a lager at the student union.

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Malcolm 1.

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You all right, Neil?

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Yes. Let's get it over with.

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We'll have it dark.

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Here, Malcolm...

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OK.

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SHE SNIFFS

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CHEEPING

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I don't know how that came loose.

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You've not got an eagle in there, have you?

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What do you think of that?

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What's the Neil Baldwin Football Club when it's at home?

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My own team.

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Picked by me. Managed by me. Captained by me.

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At least you can't be dropped.

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Exactly. You're vice-president.

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Am I? Right.

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Not President then?

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Gary Lineker is President.

0:23:170:23:18

I'm just going to write to him to tell him the good news.

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-RADIO REPORTER:

-In other news, Stoke City have announced

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the departure of their manager, Graham Paddon,

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after just 18 games in charge.

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The club's board thanked him for his hard work and dedication

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and have said they'll act quickly to find a replacement...

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Come in, Mark.

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Thank you for coming.

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I'd use my own minister, but he tends to be more in demand.

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It is addressed to Neil.

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I can see that. That's what worries me.

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You remember that misunderstanding

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around the payment for the coach hire?

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I do. It cast a long shadow over the Alzheimer's picnic.

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He isn't terribly good with money.

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And who can forget what Paul reminded us in Romans?

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Indeed.

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"Owe no-one anything, except to love each other."

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I'm not sure that can be applied

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directly to contemporary financial transactions.

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I want you to steam open the envelope and tell me what's inside it.

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I don't know about that.

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Well, I'm a Christadelphian, but you're Church of England.

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Well, how is that relevant?

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Well, firstly, Neil is Church of England

0:24:560:24:58

so, spiritually speaking, he is of your flock.

0:24:580:25:01

And, secondly, I think of the Church of England

0:25:020:25:04

as having a less rigorous moral code than my own.

0:25:040:25:07

What's he going to do when I'm not here to look after him?

0:25:100:25:13

We can appoint trustees.

0:25:160:25:18

And he seems to manage.

0:25:180:25:21

He has his adventures and...

0:25:210:25:23

How much is it for?

0:25:270:25:29

You might want to bear in mind

0:25:300:25:32

you're talking to a woman with an enlarged aorta.

0:25:320:25:34

When was your last check up?

0:25:340:25:36

£800.

0:25:370:25:39

Oh, I should never have let him move out.

0:25:400:25:42

This is my fault.

0:25:420:25:43

No, Mary. I'm sure there's a way of paying this by instalments.

0:25:430:25:47

I'll go over and see him right now.

0:25:470:25:49

No, he's not there. He's gone up to London.

0:25:490:25:51

Right.

0:25:520:25:53

On Parliamentary business, so he said.

0:25:530:25:56

Where you going, mate?

0:26:290:26:31

House of Commons.

0:26:310:26:33

Figures.

0:26:350:26:36

Is Tony Benn in today?

0:26:410:26:43

Couldn't tell you that, sir.

0:26:430:26:44

Well, could you not find out if he's clocked on or not?

0:26:470:26:50

I can't move from here, I'm afraid.

0:26:500:26:52

Could you leave him this note?

0:27:020:27:05

I'm a friend of his son Stephen's from Keele University.

0:27:050:27:08

Thanks.

0:27:150:27:17

Did you really meet him?

0:27:290:27:31

Yes. He was very nice to me.

0:27:310:27:34

Poor Tony.

0:27:370:27:38

Poor Tony, yes.

0:27:380:27:40

Did you mention our drains to him?

0:27:530:27:54

He was very busy.

0:27:540:27:56

They've not been right

0:27:560:27:58

since next door did that paella for their ruby wedding.

0:27:580:28:00

No.

0:28:000:28:02

They were going to go barbecue

0:28:020:28:04

but the forecast was for low pressure from the east.

0:28:040:28:06

£800.

0:28:080:28:09

That's not right.

0:28:090:28:11

No. It's not right, Neil. It's not right at all.

0:28:110:28:14

I buy an electric stamp every week at the post office. £5.

0:28:150:28:19

Neil, that only pays off £60.

0:28:190:28:21

This is the electricity you've actually used.

0:28:210:28:24

How do you even begin to use this much?

0:28:240:28:27

I pay a fiver a week. I buy a stamp.

0:28:270:28:30

Ask the woman at the post office.

0:28:300:28:32

How do you use that much?

0:28:320:28:33

I don't. The budgies do.

0:28:330:28:37

I have to keep 'em warm, don't I?

0:28:370:28:39

Please, tell me you don't

0:28:390:28:40

have that two-bar electric fire on all day and night.

0:28:400:28:43

Why shouldn't I? I pay it. I buy a stamp.

0:28:430:28:47

I've got it in a book somewhere.

0:28:470:28:49

How are we going to find £800?

0:28:530:28:56

Dunna worry, Mum.

0:28:560:28:57

Neil, love, the whole point of you moving out

0:28:580:29:01

was so you could learn to manage these things.

0:29:010:29:04

I-I'll pay it off when I get the Stoke City job.

0:29:060:29:09

There is no Stoke City job.

0:29:090:29:12

They appointed Lou Macari as the new manager this dinner time.

0:29:120:29:16

Then I'll go and see him. First thing tomorrow.

0:29:160:29:20

And Lou Macari's going to pay your electricity bill, is he?

0:29:200:29:23

I wouldn't have thought so. Why would he do that?

0:29:240:29:27

-WHISPERS:

-God bless Dad and look after him.

0:29:300:29:32

And God bless Mum and let her not worry anymore.

0:29:340:29:38

God bless the students.

0:29:400:29:42

And God bless Norman Barrett, MBE, of Zippos Circus.

0:29:440:29:48

God bless Gordon Banks.

0:29:510:29:53

God bless...

0:29:540:29:56

..Ken Dodd.

0:29:570:29:59

And God bless Lou Macari and help him in his task

0:30:010:30:05

to return Stoke City to the top division

0:30:050:30:08

Amen.

0:30:080:30:10

Or to the play-offs, at least.

0:30:160:30:19

For, like Job, we have been sorely tested.

0:30:200:30:23

CHEERING

0:30:250:30:27

Lou!

0:30:280:30:30

# Why, why, why, Delilah?

0:30:300:30:33

# My, my, my Delilah

0:30:330:30:39

# So, before... #

0:30:390:30:41

THEY CHEER

0:30:410:30:43

Take us up, Lou.

0:30:440:30:46

I hope so. I really hope so.

0:30:460:30:48

No, I mean I know you will.

0:30:480:30:50

Good. Great. Aye. Top man.

0:30:500:30:52

I told my vicar he'll make bishop one day

0:30:520:30:55

and I'll be right about that, too!

0:30:550:30:57

Aye, right. Great. That's, eh...

0:30:570:30:58

That's great.

0:30:580:31:00

Macari!

0:31:000:31:02

ALL: Macari! Macari! Macari!

0:31:020:31:06

Macari! Macari! Macari!

0:31:060:31:09

Macari! Macari! Macari!

0:31:090:31:12

Macari! Macari! Macari! Macari!

0:31:120:31:17

You've not been waiting out there all day, have you?

0:31:510:31:53

I have, yeah. In case you needed me, like.

0:31:530:31:57

Well, that's very good of you, but have you not got work to do?

0:31:570:32:01

I'm out of work at the moment.

0:32:010:32:03

I'm sorry to hear that.

0:32:030:32:05

And what's your trade?

0:32:050:32:07

Circus clown.

0:32:070:32:09

Oh, right. And what was your act?

0:32:090:32:11

Making people happy, you know,

0:32:120:32:14

I used to get chucked off the back of a fire engine every night.

0:32:140:32:19

So how come you got sacked?

0:32:190:32:20

Face didn't fit.

0:32:210:32:23

-Night, then.

-Night.

0:32:270:32:29

A clown, you say?

0:32:310:32:33

How do you fancy coming to work for me?

0:32:340:32:37

Kit man.

0:32:370:32:38

It'd be great, yeah.

0:32:380:32:40

I'll have to square it with the university, like,

0:32:400:32:43

but I think they'll be all right with it.

0:32:430:32:45

What do you do at the university?

0:32:450:32:47

Help 'em out. With the students.

0:32:470:32:50

You don't get flung off the back of a fire truck there, as well?

0:32:500:32:53

No. It's not really called for.

0:32:530:32:56

I suppose not.

0:32:560:32:58

Well I'll...see you on Monday, then, aye?

0:32:590:33:02

See you Monday, Lou.

0:33:020:33:04

Top man.

0:33:080:33:09

Are you absolutely sure you've got this right, Neil?

0:33:130:33:16

The manager of Stoke City, Mr Lou Macari,

0:33:160:33:20

offering you, Neil Baldwin, a job?

0:33:200:33:22

Mr Lou Macari of Manchester United and Scotland.

0:33:220:33:25

Yes. I'm starting a file on him.

0:33:250:33:28

Do you want a biscuit?

0:33:280:33:30

No. But you have one. And don't make crumbs.

0:33:300:33:33

I can only just see the pattern on the carpet as it is.

0:33:330:33:36

I know better than anyone how much you love football.

0:33:440:33:47

I know you love football because of me.

0:33:470:33:50

It's just that...

0:33:510:33:53

What exactly does it entail, this job?

0:33:530:33:57

Laying out the clean kit. Picking up the dirty kit.

0:33:580:34:01

Taking it to a laundry.

0:34:010:34:03

Well, you had me believing you till then.

0:34:030:34:06

You've never so much as picked up a dirty sock in your lifetime!

0:34:070:34:11

Your bedroom's like the hold in Noah's Ark.

0:34:110:34:13

Are you sure you've got that right?

0:34:170:34:19

Are you sure you've got this right?

0:34:190:34:22

Are you sure you've got this right?

0:34:220:34:24

Tell the boss Nello's here.

0:34:240:34:26

What can I say?

0:34:300:34:31

He was the right man for the job.

0:34:310:34:33

Thank you very much.

0:34:360:34:37

Come on.

0:34:390:34:40

O, ye of little faith.

0:34:430:34:45

Wherefore didst thou doubt?

0:34:450:34:47

Matthew 14.

0:34:510:34:53

Come on, out of the way. We don't want any more injuries.

0:35:050:35:09

-Who's that?

-New kit man.

0:35:090:35:11

Keep it tight. Get in behind that lumbering full-back o' theirs.

0:35:180:35:22

Defending corners we leave Laino up

0:35:220:35:25

but we need to get tight on their two big lads at corners.

0:35:250:35:27

Paddy, you stick to that big fella like glue, right?

0:35:270:35:30

Don't let him breathe.

0:35:300:35:31

First to the ball. Don't give them time or space.

0:35:310:35:34

Now, we do that in the first ten minutes and they won't worry us.

0:35:340:35:37

Laino! Whit?

0:35:370:35:38

What is it, son?

0:35:390:35:41

LAUGHTER

0:35:410:35:43

Oh, for fuck's sake! What are you like?! Get in here, you!

0:35:440:35:48

CROWD SINGS: # What the fuck? What the fuck?

0:35:490:35:51

# What the fucking hell is that?

0:35:510:35:53

# What the fucking hell is that?

0:35:530:35:56

# What the fuck? What the fuck?

0:35:560:35:59

# What the fucking hell is that?

0:35:590:36:01

# What the fucking hell is that? #

0:36:010:36:05

THEY CHEER AND SHOUT

0:36:070:36:10

Well done, lads. Great stuff out there today! Well played, Paddy son.

0:36:120:36:16

Well played, lads.

0:36:160:36:17

-..does my fucking brain in.

-What brain?!

-Oh, fuck off!

0:36:200:36:23

-Well, it's like a sieve.

-Fuck off!

0:36:230:36:25

Check him out. He's trying to cheat!

0:36:250:36:28

He's trying to che-eat! He's high again! He's trying to cheat.

0:36:280:36:31

I-I took me head off.

0:36:310:36:33

Just in time, by the looks of you.

0:36:340:36:37

Bloody hell, Nello.

0:36:370:36:38

A few spuds round you and you'd make a roast dinner.

0:36:380:36:40

I talked a girl out of killing herself once. Young student.

0:36:420:36:46

Dressed as a chicken?

0:36:470:36:48

-No, course not. Dressed as Father Christmas.

-Oh, right.

0:36:500:36:53

And what's that got to do with the chicken suit?

0:36:540:36:57

Fancy dress. Good for morale.

0:36:570:37:00

Charlie Carolli taught me that.

0:37:010:37:03

He's a very good friend of mine.

0:37:030:37:05

Just out of interest...

0:37:130:37:15

..what did you say to that girl who wanted to kill herself?

0:37:160:37:19

I-I said, "We've all got to go sometime, love,

0:37:200:37:23

"but why d'you have to go now?"

0:37:230:37:25

Night.

0:37:280:37:30

Night.

0:37:310:37:32

-All right, gorgeous?

-All right.

0:37:450:37:47

-Ey-up! How's it going, Nello?

-Good, yeah.

0:37:470:37:50

THEY CHANT: Nello! Nello!

0:37:500:37:51

All right, mong?

0:37:550:37:56

Make sure that tea's ready and waiting for tomorrow.

0:37:560:37:59

I'm not a mong. I'm a registered clown.

0:37:590:38:02

-That was a bit harsh.

-You've got to carry on with it.

0:38:040:38:08

Didn't you feel he was picking on you because of your difficulties?

0:38:120:38:16

What difficulties?

0:38:160:38:17

ALL: # O Lord, my God

0:38:240:38:28

# When I in awesome wonder

0:38:280:38:33

# Consider all the works Thy hand hath made

0:38:330:38:41

# I see the stars

0:38:410:38:45

# I hear the mighty thunder

0:38:450:38:49

# Thy power throughout the universe displayed

0:38:490:38:57

# Then sings my soul

0:38:580:39:01

# My Saviour God, to Thee

0:39:010:39:05

# How great Thou art How great Thou art

0:39:050:39:14

# Then sings my soul my Saviour God, to Thee

0:39:140:39:22

# 'How great Thou art How great Thou art! #

0:39:220:39:30

CROWD CHEERS

0:39:300:39:34

CROWD CHANTS: You fat bastard! You fat bastard!

0:39:380:39:41

You fat bastard! You fat bastard!

0:39:410:39:43

You fat bastard! You fat bastard!

0:39:430:39:46

# When I look down

0:39:470:39:50

# From lofty mountain grandeur

0:39:500:39:55

# And hear the brook

0:39:550:39:58

# And feel the gentle breeze

0:39:580:40:02

# Then sings my soul

0:40:020:40:05

# My Saviour God, to Thee,

0:40:050:40:10

# How great Thou art... #

0:40:100:40:11

A shock signing?

0:40:110:40:14

He is a bit of an unknown quantity. Erm...

0:40:140:40:16

I don't even really want to reveal his name.

0:40:160:40:19

We'll let him do his own talking on the pitch.

0:40:190:40:21

He'll be given an opportunity, pre-season matches.

0:40:210:40:24

We've got to get some weight off him...

0:40:240:40:27

He's not in the best of condition.

0:40:290:40:31

You know, I've put my head on the chopping block and...

0:40:310:40:34

and taken that opportunity and brought him here.

0:40:340:40:37

Let's just see what lies ahead, Ivan.

0:40:370:40:40

Let's just take it from game to game.

0:40:400:40:42

# Then sings my soul

0:40:500:40:53

# My Saviour God, to Thee

0:40:530:40:58

# How great Thou art

0:40:580:41:01

# How great thou art! #

0:41:010:41:06

Well, he's, er...

0:41:090:41:10

He's Neil, isn't he?

0:41:100:41:12

You know what I mean.

0:41:120:41:14

I know. Neil, my son, yes.

0:41:140:41:17

Well, he's just, er... He's just great to have around.

0:41:190:41:21

He's funny.

0:41:210:41:23

He doesn't always mean to be.

0:41:230:41:25

Ah, well, that does make it a wee bit funnier.

0:41:250:41:28

-If you don't mind me saying.

-No. Not at all.

0:41:280:41:30

-PLAYERS OUTSIDE:

-'I fucking turned on a sixpence.'

0:41:300:41:33

'You couldn't fucking turn on a fucking manhole cover.

0:41:330:41:35

'You've got love handles like me missus

0:41:350:41:37

'and she's six months pregnant.'

0:41:370:41:39

'All right, Nello. You got a fucking brew on or what?'

0:41:390:41:42

Sorry about that, Mrs Baldwin.

0:41:420:41:44

Where were we?

0:41:460:41:48

You were telling me why you've given my Neil a job.

0:41:480:41:50

Well, he's...

0:41:520:41:54

He's genuine.

0:41:540:41:55

He doesn't have an angle.

0:41:570:41:58

And you go a long way in this game to find a bloke without an angle.

0:41:580:42:02

And the fact that...

0:42:020:42:04

Well, that he isn't,

0:42:040:42:05

perhaps, as quick on the uptake as...

0:42:050:42:08

Quick on the uptake?

0:42:080:42:09

We're talking about footballers here, Mrs Baldwin.

0:42:090:42:12

It's not exactly University Challenge out there.

0:42:120:42:14

Even so, I had thought...

0:42:140:42:17

Well...

0:42:170:42:18

I won't be around forever and I have to be sure he'll be all right.

0:42:180:42:23

Of course. What mother wouldn't want that?

0:42:230:42:27

I had put his name down for a monastery,

0:42:270:42:29

for when I'm not here, to keep an eye.

0:42:290:42:30

He seemed to like it there...

0:42:300:42:33

A monastery? Neil?

0:42:330:42:35

Your son belongs in a changing room, Mrs Baldwin.

0:42:350:42:39

He loves it here. And we love him.

0:42:390:42:41

God, he gives us all a lift.

0:42:420:42:44

And he's, God, he's indispensable.

0:42:440:42:46

-Paddy?

-Yes, boss.

0:42:480:42:50

You'll do for me, young man.

0:42:500:42:52

Thanks, boss.

0:42:520:42:54

-Laino.

-Yes, boss.

0:42:540:42:55

Just play.

0:42:550:42:57

How should I play, boss?

0:42:570:42:58

Play well.

0:42:580:42:59

And as for you, Thumper.

0:42:590:43:02

Bomber, boss.

0:43:020:43:04

I think you'll find Thumper's the name of the rabbit in Bambi.

0:43:040:43:07

I'm the boss.

0:43:080:43:09

If I call you Thumper, your name's Thumper.

0:43:090:43:14

Right, boss.

0:43:140:43:15

Let's just play the game right.

0:43:150:43:18

And the main thing is this,

0:43:180:43:21

this is what you've got to get into your noggins -

0:43:210:43:25

the main thing is, go out there

0:43:250:43:29

and score more goals than the other team.

0:43:290:43:33

-Yes!

-Come on.

-Come on, lads. Come on!

0:43:330:43:37

Thanks, Nello.

0:43:370:43:39

Was that supposed to be me, aye?

0:43:390:43:42

Brian Clough, boss.

0:43:420:43:43

Oh, right, Cloughie.

0:43:430:43:45

# Ole, Ole, Ole, Ole,

0:43:580:44:01

# Ole, Ole

0:44:010:44:05

# Ole, ole, ole, ole... #

0:44:050:44:08

Lou says I should give the team talk every week.

0:44:080:44:12

3-0. Not surprised.

0:44:120:44:14

There might be a problem this week. It's the boat race.

0:44:140:44:17

I never miss the boat race.

0:44:170:44:19

Can't you tape it?

0:44:190:44:21

I don't watch it on the telly. I'm on the river.

0:44:210:44:24

You might need to lose some weight if you're coxing.

0:44:240:44:27

I'm not in the crews. I'm on the launch behind,

0:44:270:44:30

with the umpire and that.

0:44:300:44:32

Hi, Neil.

0:44:320:44:33

Hiya, Molly.

0:44:330:44:34

How'd you wangle that?

0:44:350:44:38

I just asked.

0:44:380:44:39

You can't just get things by asking.

0:44:390:44:41

Can't you?

0:44:410:44:43

I can.

0:44:430:44:44

Great win Saturday, Nello.

0:44:440:44:46

Up the Potters, Farooq!

0:44:460:44:48

-COMMENTATOR:

-A lot has been talked about the stroke

0:45:090:45:11

and he sets the rhythm.

0:45:110:45:13

There's Harry Mahon and John Wilson looking down...

0:45:130:45:17

Why would they let you on the umpire's launch?

0:45:230:45:26

Tradition.

0:45:260:45:27

Hey, Nello! How long you going to be with those fucking pads?

0:45:330:45:36

Sort your own pads out.

0:45:360:45:38

-Whoa!

-Yes, get in!

-Go on!

0:45:380:45:40

-My man!

-You tell him, Nello!

0:45:400:45:42

You flash bastard.

0:45:420:45:44

Did you put your wife's knickers on by mistake this morning

0:45:440:45:47

or is there something you want to tell us?

0:45:470:45:49

Pure silk boxer shorts, these, boss.

0:45:490:45:52

Kendal Mills, Deansgate.

0:45:520:45:54

If you're spending that much on underpants, I'm paying you too much.

0:45:540:45:58

Valuable cargo.

0:45:580:45:59

They don't keep the crown jewels in a Cornflakes box.

0:45:590:46:02

Eh, how much do you spend on your underpants, Nello?

0:46:040:46:08

Nothing. My mum buys them for me.

0:46:080:46:11

Very wise.

0:46:110:46:12

Might be because you're protecting as little as possible, mate!

0:46:120:46:16

They weren't very nice to you.

0:46:230:46:25

There's always banter.

0:46:250:46:27

Nello? Nello?

0:46:350:46:36

Yes, boss?

0:46:360:46:38

Have you put on weight?

0:46:380:46:40

A bit.

0:46:410:46:42

Your mother will kill me.

0:46:420:46:44

I promised her I'd help you lose weight.

0:46:440:46:47

Come on, Laino. I told you, first touch.

0:46:480:46:51

First touch!

0:46:510:46:52

Where the fuck are my boxer shorts?

0:46:590:47:00

Which one of you bastards has 'em?

0:47:000:47:03

60 fucking quid's worth. That must be a blow.

0:47:030:47:05

Hang on. My pants have gone, too.

0:47:050:47:08

What the fuck?

0:47:080:47:09

Some thievin' YTS lad has definitely had 'em off, million percent.

0:47:090:47:12

Yeah, that'll be it.

0:47:120:47:14

Yeah. Those YTS boys, they'll steal anything that isn't nailed down.

0:47:140:47:19

Who asked you?

0:47:190:47:20

THEY LAUGH

0:47:230:47:24

No! No, Nello, you haven't.

0:47:240:47:26

Yours are on the bottom. And they're a waste of money.

0:47:290:47:32

They're chafing right up my undercarriage.

0:47:320:47:35

# My, my, my, Delilah!

0:47:380:47:43

# Why, why, why, Delilah!

0:47:430:47:49

# So before they come to break down the door

0:47:490:47:54

# Forgive me, Delilah, I just couldn't take any more. #

0:47:540:47:59

# So before you come to break down the door

0:48:010:48:07

# Forgive me, Delilah, I just couldn't take any more

0:48:090:48:13

HE HUMS

0:48:160:48:19

# Why, why, why, Delilah

0:48:210:48:26

# So before... #

0:48:280:48:30

Mum?

0:48:360:48:37

-Her eyes...

-Mary? Can you watch this light.

0:48:390:48:41

..aren't what they were. She has bifocals.

0:48:410:48:45

Do you know where you are, Mary?

0:48:450:48:47

I don't think either of them are right.

0:48:470:48:49

Do you know where you are?

0:48:490:48:51

-Me Dad died here.

-Hold my hand, Mrs Baldwin.

0:48:510:48:54

-When he was young.

-Can you grip it tight?

0:48:540:48:56

-I was young, too.

-That's good.

0:48:560:48:59

And I did very well.

0:48:590:49:01

And the other hand, can you do that one, too?

0:49:010:49:03

She has bifocals.

0:49:030:49:05

She's very healthy. I-I'm not so healthy. She eats salad.

0:49:050:49:10

I eat chips. She's always telling me.

0:49:100:49:12

We're going to get a consultant down to look at her.

0:49:120:49:15

I'd rather it was a doctor.

0:49:150:49:17

He's better than a doctor.

0:49:170:49:19

When will I take her home?

0:49:190:49:20

I have to call a taxi.

0:49:200:49:22

She won't be going home tonight, I'm afraid.

0:49:220:49:24

-She really is very poorly right now.

-She is, isn't she?

0:49:240:49:27

I think we need to get that consultant right away.

0:49:280:49:31

He's busy but he'll be down as soon as possible.

0:49:310:49:33

Is it Mr Saeed?

0:49:330:49:35

Yes, as a matter of fact. Why, do you know him?

0:49:350:49:38

He's a very good friend of mine.

0:49:380:49:40

Neil!

0:49:400:49:42

How are you? Everything OK?

0:49:420:49:44

Very well, thank you.

0:49:440:49:45

Are we going to beat Portsmouth on Saturday?

0:49:450:49:47

If Laino's fit, we can beat anyone.

0:49:470:49:49

I love your attitude. This man is a force for good.

0:49:490:49:52

Has my registrar been looking after you?

0:49:520:49:54

He's very young.

0:49:540:49:55

My mum has had an episode.

0:49:570:49:59

OK.

0:49:590:50:00

OK. Well, let's see what we can do, shall we?

0:50:000:50:02

Have you ordered a CT scan? Bloods? BP?

0:50:020:50:05

Come on. What's been keeping you?

0:50:050:50:06

OK, let's go and have a look at her, shall we?

0:50:080:50:11

-TELEVISION:

-'Somersault, short.

0:50:170:50:19

'That's the bone of cosmic triple, not big but fatal.

0:50:190:50:22

'That's why we're going to start from the beginning

0:50:220:50:25

'and make each move perfect before we go onto the next.

0:50:250:50:27

'I'll run it again for you.'

0:50:270:50:29

Ey-up, Nello. How's it going?

0:50:330:50:36

Shocking.

0:50:360:50:37

Is Laino going to be fit for Saturday?

0:50:370:50:40

Course he is, yeah. Dunna worry about that.

0:50:400:50:42

Thanks.

0:50:560:50:57

Now, Neil. your mum has had a heart attack.

0:51:040:51:07

And that is where the oxygen isn't getting to her brain,

0:51:070:51:10

and that is why she is confused.

0:51:100:51:13

A heart attack. Yes.

0:51:130:51:15

So you are going to have to be strong or your mum now,

0:51:150:51:18

cos she needs you to be.

0:51:180:51:19

I-I'll pray for her.

0:51:200:51:22

That would be a good idea.

0:51:220:51:24

And I'll visit.

0:51:260:51:27

Also good.

0:51:270:51:29

I'll get the Christadelphians to pray for her, too.

0:51:290:51:32

Excellent idea.

0:51:320:51:33

A-and you. At the Temple.

0:51:330:51:36

The more, the merrier, that's what I say.

0:51:360:51:39

Very wise.

0:51:390:51:40

Have her home in no time, eh?

0:51:420:51:44

Well, there is a possibility, Neil,

0:51:440:51:46

that she might not be able to come home.

0:51:460:51:48

Her health hasn't been very good for a while now, as you know.

0:51:480:51:52

Social services think they may have to find her

0:51:520:51:55

somewhere she can live and be looked after.

0:51:550:51:58

Do you understand?

0:52:000:52:02

I-I do. Yes.

0:52:020:52:03

Have her home in no time, eh?

0:52:040:52:06

Morning, boss.

0:52:190:52:20

You take as much time off as you need, Neil. All right?

0:52:240:52:28

There's nothing more important than your mother's health.

0:52:280:52:31

I don't need to take any time off. She's going to get better.

0:52:310:52:35

How do you do it, Nello?

0:52:380:52:41

How do you stay so positive?

0:52:410:52:43

I've always wanted to be happy, so I decided to be.

0:52:460:52:50

Brilliant.

0:52:520:52:54

I'm going to write some of this stuff down.

0:52:540:52:56

If-if bad things happen, you think about good things.

0:52:570:53:01

Like what?

0:53:020:53:04

Like...

0:53:040:53:06

best signing you ever made.

0:53:060:53:08

Oh...

0:53:090:53:10

I wouldn't know where to start.

0:53:120:53:14

With their shorts.

0:53:140:53:16

The cleaner the shorts, the better the player.

0:53:180:53:21

It means they've stayed on their feet longer.

0:53:210:53:24

Well, if you don't mind me saying,

0:53:260:53:29

that's very much a kit man's point of view.

0:53:290:53:31

-Cloughie thought it, too.

-Oh.

0:53:340:53:35

So now I'm arguing with you and Cloughie, am I?

0:53:380:53:41

I'm assuming the budgie is not part of the food shop, son.

0:53:550:53:59

It's for me.

0:53:590:54:01

The man at the pet shop gave me a discount.

0:54:010:54:04

I got your shopping.

0:54:040:54:06

Did you not take a list, Neil? I gave you a list.

0:54:090:54:12

I did it from memory.

0:54:130:54:15

Whose memory's this? Not mine, that's for certain.

0:54:150:54:19

I've never eaten any of this stuff in my life.

0:54:190:54:22

What did you pay for all this?

0:54:220:54:24

Wasn't Doris on?

0:54:240:54:27

-I've got it here somewhere.

-It doesn't matter, really.

0:54:270:54:30

Just take the list next time, will you?

0:54:300:54:33

I'll write you a new one. Fetch me the writing pad.

0:54:330:54:37

I've been keeping my flat clean, as well.

0:54:400:54:42

Good.

0:54:440:54:45

What about you? When did you last have a shave?

0:54:460:54:50

I'm going to call him Macari.

0:54:500:54:52

Who?

0:54:520:54:53

Me budgie.

0:54:530:54:55

I'm going to call him Macari. After Lou Macari.

0:54:550:54:59

Right.

0:55:000:55:01

'Everything has to start'

0:55:010:55:03

and end with love.

0:55:030:55:04

It's a simple message but one that we can forget all too easily.

0:55:060:55:09

Now, as it says in Corinthians 1,

0:55:120:55:14

"If I speak in the tongues of mortals and angels

0:55:140:55:18

"but do not have love, I am a noisy gong or clashing cymbal."

0:55:180:55:22

Now, I think we have all encountered one or two noisy gongs in our lives.

0:55:250:55:29

You are looking after yourself, aren't you, Neil?

0:55:420:55:44

Yes. I am.

0:55:440:55:46

I always have.

0:55:460:55:48

Well, with your mum in the home and so on,

0:55:520:55:55

I can't help noticing, well...

0:55:550:55:57

I think you need to maybe take extra care of yourself.

0:55:570:56:01

So your mum doesn't worry too much about you.

0:56:010:56:04

I've got the Lord.

0:56:040:56:06

You have indeed.

0:56:060:56:08

I've got the students.

0:56:090:56:11

Yes.

0:56:110:56:12

I've got Stoke City, and I've got me mum.

0:56:120:56:15

What I want you to think about, Neil, is what you would do

0:56:210:56:25

if one of them wasn't there?

0:56:250:56:27

Well, I'd probably have the time to join the choir, for a start.

0:56:320:56:36

Right.

0:56:390:56:40

Right.

0:56:410:56:43

You feeling better for our little chat, Mark?

0:56:430:56:45

Yes.

0:56:470:56:48

Thank you, Neil.

0:56:480:56:50

-RADIO REPORTER:

-Police would like to talk to anyone

0:56:560:56:58

who was in the area in the early hours of Sunday morning.

0:56:580:57:01

More on that breaking story now,

0:57:010:57:03

we go over to the Victoria Ground where Lou Macari has resigned

0:57:030:57:07

as Stoke City manager to take up the vacant post at Glasgow Celtic.

0:57:070:57:12

The club has said they have already begun their search

0:57:120:57:15

for a first class successor.

0:57:150:57:17

I've no comment to make right now but there will be a press conference

0:57:190:57:23

later on, so you can check that and see how we go. Thank you.

0:57:230:57:27

During his time at the club, Macari took the Potters

0:57:270:57:30

to the play offs, automatic promotion with a...

0:57:300:57:33

Nello.

0:57:460:57:48

When Celtic come calling, a Glasgow boy like me has to say, yes.

0:57:480:57:53

I know that, yes.

0:57:530:57:56

And whoever takes over here,

0:57:570:57:59

I'll bet they'll find you as valuable as I did.

0:57:590:58:02

Do you want me to come? To Celtic?

0:58:030:58:05

Oh, I'd love you to. But I think you're Stoke through and through.

0:58:050:58:09

And I think the Rangers fans might eat you alive.

0:58:110:58:14

You're right. I'll stay put.

0:58:140:58:16

With me mum in the home and that.

0:58:160:58:19

She depends on me for shopping.

0:58:190:58:21

Exactly.

0:58:220:58:24

So, no hard feelings then?

0:58:240:58:26

No hard feelings.

0:58:260:58:28

You staying on for Tommo's testimonial?

0:58:290:58:32

Oh, I can do better than that. I'm putting you on the bench.

0:58:320:58:36

I'm always on the bench.

0:58:360:58:38

That isn't what I mean.

0:58:380:58:40

Come with me.

0:58:420:58:43

Midfield or striker?

0:58:530:58:55

Oh.

0:58:570:58:58

I haven't thought about that yet.

0:58:580:59:00

I'm not as quick as I was.

0:59:000:59:01

Oh, I dare say.

0:59:010:59:03

But the first two yards are in the head, eh, boss?

0:59:030:59:07

Exactly.

0:59:070:59:08

Don't be late, Baldwin.

0:59:100:59:12

No, boss.

0:59:130:59:15

I'll be there.

0:59:150:59:17

Hiya, Mum.

0:59:580:59:59

I see you've had a shave. That's something.

1:00:021:00:05

Aye. I've done all your errands and all.

1:00:051:00:09

Have you now? Can't have everything, I suppose.

1:00:091:00:12

Skimmed milk cos it's good for your faulty ticker.

1:00:121:00:16

Rice pudding.

1:00:161:00:18

Bananas, cos the apples are tough on your dentures

1:00:181:00:21

at this time of year,

1:00:211:00:23

and a packet of Imodium for your...

1:00:231:00:25

For my indigestion. Thank you.

1:00:251:00:27

Well, well, well.

1:00:291:00:31

You could do it after all.

1:00:311:00:32

I met Ken Dodd again last week.

1:00:351:00:37

He's a very good friend of mine.

1:00:381:00:40

The woman what runs it, this place, like,

1:00:451:00:48

she wants me to come in as Nello the Clown tomorrow.

1:00:481:00:52

So I will.

1:00:521:00:54

That'll cheer everyone up.

1:00:541:00:56

I asked her if I can bring you a canary,

1:00:561:01:00

and she said, "Certainly."

1:01:001:01:02

I'll fetch you one in.

1:01:021:01:04

You're a good lad, Neil.

1:01:041:01:06

You know that business where you wanted to be a vicar.

1:01:091:01:12

Oh, that's all water under the bridge now, Mum.

1:01:121:01:16

I didn't want to be bothered with doing a degree and what-have-you.

1:01:161:01:19

I know, son, but I didn't want you thinking

1:01:191:01:22

that I didn't think you could do anything you wanted.

1:01:221:01:25

Anything at all.

1:01:251:01:27

I'm playing for Stoke City tonight.

1:01:301:01:33

Come on, Mam. It's only a testimonial.

1:01:431:01:46

Don't go just yet.

1:01:511:01:52

No, I won't.

1:01:521:01:54

Stay and hold my hand a while, eh?

1:01:551:01:58

Course.

1:01:581:01:59

They used to call me Holy Mary, you know.

1:02:091:02:12

I know, Mum. I know.

1:02:121:02:14

I'm very proud of you.

1:02:171:02:19

Laino! Move wide! Move wide!

1:02:371:02:41

Nello. Go and warm up.

1:02:481:02:51

CROWD CHANTING: The referee's a wanker!

1:02:521:02:54

The referee's a wanker...!

1:02:541:02:55

CHEERING

1:03:031:03:05

CHANTING: Nello! Nello! Nello! Nello!

1:03:091:03:13

# Bring him on, bring him on, bring him on!

1:03:191:03:23

# Bring him on, bring him on, bring him on!

1:03:231:03:29

# Bring him on, bring him on!

1:03:291:03:32

Paddy! Get over here!

1:03:321:03:35

I'm going to bring Nello on.

1:03:351:03:37

When he gets in the penalty area everybody get out.

1:03:371:03:40

Let him score, OK?

1:03:401:03:41

Tell our lads and tell the Villa lads, too.

1:03:411:03:44

All right, boss.

1:03:441:03:46

Nello! Get over here! You're going on!

1:03:461:03:48

Here, now just...

1:03:501:03:52

Just hang about in their penalty area, right?

1:03:521:03:55

And cause them problems.

1:03:551:03:56

How would I do that?

1:03:561:03:58

Well, you're causing me problems just looking at you

1:03:581:04:01

-so it shouldn't be too hard.

-OK, boss.

1:04:011:04:03

Anything comes near you, you hit it, all right?

1:04:031:04:05

Right, boss. Like a brick outhouse.

1:04:051:04:08

No, no, I mean the ball, not the other players.

1:04:081:04:10

-All right.

-Hey.

1:04:101:04:12

Score one for your mum, Nello. OK?

1:04:141:04:16

OK? She'll like that.

1:04:161:04:18

Good luck, Nello.

1:04:181:04:20

Well played, Thumper.

1:04:201:04:22

It's Bomber. Like a plane or something, not Thumper.

1:04:221:04:25

-CHANTING:

-City!

1:04:271:04:29

City!

1:04:311:04:32

City!

1:04:341:04:35

This really happened by the way.

1:04:381:04:40

Did it?

1:04:401:04:41

Yeah, it actually did. How could I let the fans down?

1:04:411:04:44

SOUNDS OF THE CROWD FADE

1:05:241:05:26

ECHOING CHEERS

1:05:361:05:39

Did it really happen like that?

1:05:481:05:50

No.

1:05:501:05:51

Come on, Nello. Cheer up, mate!

1:05:541:05:57

It's only a fucking testimonial.

1:05:571:05:58

I think it must have hit a bobble before I hit it.

1:05:581:06:01

Sorry I let you down, boss.

1:06:371:06:39

What? When did you let me down?

1:06:401:06:42

Tonight.

1:06:421:06:43

After I slipped my marker. I should have buried it.

1:06:431:06:48

I don't think slipping your marker was the problem, Neil.

1:06:481:06:50

I think maybe when you fell over.

1:06:501:06:52

The first time?

1:06:521:06:54

Well, to be honest, I don't think the second time helped, either.

1:06:541:06:57

I skied the shot a bit, didn't I?

1:06:581:07:00

Aye, just a wee bit.

1:07:001:07:02

I think the ball's still rising now.

1:07:021:07:04

I think Jodrell Bank has just picked it up.

1:07:041:07:07

Must have hit a bobble.

1:07:071:07:09

Blinking groundsman.

1:07:091:07:11

Happens to the best of us.

1:07:111:07:12

I wouldn't let it worry you.

1:07:121:07:14

All the best, boss.

1:07:141:07:16

It was you, by the way.

1:07:171:07:19

What was?

1:07:201:07:22

Remember when you asked me who the best signing I'd ever made was?

1:07:231:07:27

It was you, mate.

1:07:291:07:30

No contest.

1:07:301:07:32

Neil.

1:08:091:08:10

You hadn't forgotten, had you? I said I'd come as Nello and I did.

1:08:101:08:14

I've brought the canary, too.

1:08:141:08:16

It's not part of the act, it's for my mum.

1:08:161:08:20

Could you come into the office for a minute, duck?

1:08:201:08:23

It was very peaceful.

1:08:311:08:33

Yes.

1:08:361:08:37

She died in her sleep.

1:08:371:08:39

And she died proud of you.

1:08:391:08:41

We went in this morning and found her.

1:08:431:08:46

This morning?

1:08:481:08:50

That's right.

1:08:501:08:53

I rang this morning.

1:08:531:08:55

We wanted to tell you in person.

1:08:561:08:58

We thought it was better that way.

1:08:581:09:01

She didn't want me to leave.

1:09:051:09:07

Last night.

1:09:091:09:12

When I had to get my bus, she...

1:09:121:09:14

She didn't want me to leave.

1:09:151:09:17

-Morning.

-Hiya.

1:09:401:09:42

There aren't many mums

1:10:491:10:50

who'd let their sons run off to join the circus.

1:10:501:10:53

But my mum did.

1:10:541:10:56

And she used to worry about my weight,

1:10:571:11:01

and she tried to give me salad, but she meant well.

1:11:011:11:05

And, after my dad died, we were a team.

1:11:071:11:12

Like Stoke City.

1:11:121:11:14

We were a team. And she worried about me.

1:11:141:11:18

And she didn't have to worry about me.

1:11:181:11:21

But she did anyway.

1:11:211:11:23

And she taught me good manners.

1:11:241:11:27

And that it's good to be nice to people.

1:11:271:11:30

And that's what I try to be.

1:11:321:11:33

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

1:11:471:11:50

Thank you for coming.

1:11:501:11:51

Thank you for coming.

1:11:531:11:54

Thanks for coming.

1:11:551:11:56

Anything you need, Neil, call me.

1:12:001:12:02

I'm doing well, though, aren't I?

1:12:021:12:05

You're doing very well. Yes.

1:12:051:12:07

I suppose I've got time for the choir now.

1:12:081:12:11

Why not? You OK for a lift?

1:12:111:12:14

You're coming with me, aren't you?

1:12:141:12:15

Am I? Oh, right.

1:12:171:12:19

Mary would have loved the service today.

1:12:201:12:22

I'm doing well, though, aren't I?

1:12:221:12:25

You are, Neil. You really are.

1:12:261:12:28

# He leadeth me

1:12:381:12:40

# The quiet waters by

1:12:421:12:48

# My soul he doth restore again

1:12:501:12:58

# And me to walk doth make

1:12:581:13:04

# Within the paths of righteousness

1:13:061:13:14

# E'en for his own name's sake

1:13:141:13:19

# Yea, though I walk in death's dark vale

1:13:221:13:29

# Yet will I fear no ill

1:13:291:13:35

# For thou art with me...#

1:13:381:13:41

How much did you say it was?

1:13:411:13:44

8.27.

1:13:441:13:46

Is Doris not in?

1:13:501:13:52

# My table thou hast furnished me

1:13:531:14:00

# In presence of my foes

1:14:001:14:06

# My head thou dost with oil anoint

1:14:081:14:15

# And my cup overflows. #

1:14:151:14:21

Neil!

1:14:241:14:26

Neil.

1:14:261:14:28

You're going already?

1:14:281:14:29

Yes.

1:14:291:14:31

How are you coping?

1:14:321:14:33

I'm coping well, yes.

1:14:331:14:35

I'm doing well, aren't I?

1:14:351:14:37

CHIRPING

1:15:011:15:03

That's it.

1:15:161:15:18

In you go.

1:15:181:15:19

In you go, in you go. That's it.

1:15:191:15:22

Say hello.

1:15:241:15:25

Sorry. Excuse me. Sorry.

1:15:271:15:30

TELEPHONE RINGS

1:15:411:15:44

RINGING CONTINUES

1:15:501:15:51

-How you been keeping?

-I'm doing well.

1:15:551:15:58

Everybody says.

1:15:581:16:00

I brought you a bit of shopping.

1:16:001:16:01

Thanks.

1:16:021:16:04

We're all bit worried about you, to be honest.

1:16:051:16:08

Haven't seen you at the match the last three home games.

1:16:081:16:11

I've been busy.

1:16:111:16:13

Right.

1:16:141:16:15

-Life goes on.

-Right.

1:16:151:16:18

And I'm doing well.

1:16:211:16:24

So you keep saying.

1:16:241:16:25

How are the birds doing?

1:16:301:16:32

They're doing well. Yeah.

1:16:321:16:34

Is that a new one? The white one?

1:16:341:16:36

It's a budgie from Zippos.

1:16:361:16:38

Norman Barrett give it me.

1:16:381:16:40

It used to be part of his act but it's retired now.

1:16:401:16:44

Bloody hell, Neil.

1:16:441:16:46

Even your budgies are celebrities.

1:16:461:16:48

Right. Freshers' week starts on Monday.

1:16:521:16:54

You've got to get down there,

1:16:541:16:56

snap up the good players for Neil Baldwin FC.

1:16:561:16:58

I don't know if I'll bother this time.

1:16:581:17:01

Me hip's been playing me up.

1:17:011:17:04

You know your Mum'd want you to get out there, don't you?

1:17:041:17:07

Doing what you're best at. Meeting people and that.

1:17:071:17:09

She would. That's true.

1:17:111:17:12

No time like the present.

1:17:131:17:16

I don't know about that.

1:17:161:17:17

I've heard the Union are doing two-for-one hot dogs.

1:17:201:17:23

Does that include onions?

1:17:261:17:28

I should imagine so, yeah.

1:17:301:17:32

Neil? What are you doing here this time of night?

1:18:351:18:38

Waiting for me lift.

1:18:381:18:40

Looks like they forgot.

1:18:401:18:42

Come on.

1:18:421:18:43

You shouldn't be hanging round on your own this time of night.

1:18:561:18:59

I wasn't hanging round. I was waiting for a lift.

1:18:591:19:02

Which didn't come.

1:19:021:19:04

No, but you did.

1:19:041:19:06

What would you have done if I hadn't have turned up?

1:19:071:19:09

You did turn up, though, didn't you?

1:19:101:19:13

I know, but what if I hadn't?

1:19:131:19:14

Somebody would have turned up.

1:19:161:19:18

You can't go through life relying on something just turning up.

1:19:181:19:22

Yes, you can.

1:19:221:19:23

Well, I can, anyway.

1:19:231:19:25

Hiya, Gary?

1:19:301:19:32

You don't actually know me but I'm calling on behalf of Neil Baldwin.

1:19:321:19:36

He's a very good friend of mine

1:19:361:19:37

and I just wondered if you'd be kind enough to do us a huge favour...

1:19:371:19:41

When do we play?

1:19:411:19:42

Training every Sunday. Matches Wednesday afternoon.

1:19:421:19:45

Right. Well, I play central midfield.

1:19:451:19:47

Oh, you play where I tell you to play.

1:19:471:19:50

I had trials for Macclesfield Town.

1:19:501:19:51

The problem is, son, I play central midfield.

1:19:511:19:55

This is a wind up, right?

1:19:571:19:59

I'm just the club president, son.

1:19:591:20:01

-It's the gaffer who makes the decisions.

-See?

1:20:011:20:04

Right.

1:20:041:20:05

Thanks a lot.

1:20:071:20:09

See you at the weekend.

1:20:091:20:10

You, young man.

1:20:171:20:18

This is a ball.

1:20:181:20:20

All you've got to do is to stick that it in the back of the net.

1:20:201:20:24

It's that simple.

1:20:241:20:25

Neil. We're only playing the Christian Union.

1:20:251:20:27

That's part of the problem.

1:20:271:20:29

They've got the Lord on their side.

1:20:291:20:31

You going to finish that pastie?

1:20:311:20:33

Fitness problem, you have.

1:20:361:20:38

I'm going to come on in the second half...

1:20:381:20:40

..and play central midfield.

1:20:431:20:46

I played for Stoke City.

1:20:461:20:48

Let's never forget that.

1:20:481:20:50

No. I don't suppose anybody ever will.

1:20:501:20:52

-I thought you said you got a ref.

-He'll be here.

1:20:521:20:54

It's not that lad from Islamic Soc, is it?

1:20:541:20:57

It looks like a strong wind would blow that guy over.

1:20:571:21:00

I've got Premiership quality this time.

1:21:001:21:02

Oh, right, Premiership?

1:21:021:21:04

-Hi, Neil.

-Uriah!

1:21:041:21:05

-How are you?

-All right, Uriah?

1:21:051:21:08

I'm good thank you.

1:21:081:21:09

Good to see you. This is Uriah Rennie, everyone.

1:21:091:21:12

-Uriah Rennie.

-Hi.

1:21:121:21:14

-You all right, Uriah?

-I'm good, how are you?

1:21:141:21:17

Good to see you. Uriah Rennie.

1:21:171:21:19

# Enjoy yourself

1:21:211:21:23

# It's later that you think

1:21:231:21:26

# Enjoy yourself

1:21:261:21:29

# While you're still in the pink

1:21:291:21:33

# The years go by

1:21:331:21:37

# As quickly as a wink

1:21:371:21:40

# Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself

1:21:401:21:44

# It's later than you think

1:21:441:21:46

# You worry when the weather's cold

1:21:481:21:51

# You worry when it's hot

1:21:511:21:54

# You worry when you're doing well

1:21:541:21:57

# You worry when you're not

1:21:571:21:59

# It's worry, worry, all the time

1:22:011:22:04

# You don't know how to laugh

1:22:041:22:07

# They'll think of something funny

1:22:071:22:11

# When they write your epitaph.

1:22:111:22:13

# Enjoy yourself

1:22:151:22:17

# It's later that you think

1:22:171:22:20

-Take it again, you're off your line.

-There is no line!

1:22:201:22:23

I'm booking you for dissent.

1:22:241:22:26

# The years go by

1:22:271:22:31

# As quickly as a wink

1:22:311:22:35

# Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself

1:22:351:22:38

# It's later than you think. #

1:22:381:22:41

WHISTLE

1:22:461:22:47

-COMMENTATOR:

-The 1-2...

1:22:511:22:53

And a good shot! What a goal! What a goal!

1:22:531:22:56

# Enjoy yourself

1:22:571:23:00

# It's later than you think

1:23:001:23:03

# Enjoy yourself... #

1:23:031:23:06

CHANTING: Nello! Nello! Nello! Nello! Nello! Nello!

1:23:071:23:13

Then he ordered the crowds to sit down on the grass.

1:23:231:23:27

Taking the five loaves and the two fish,

1:23:271:23:29

he looked up to heaven, and blessed...

1:23:291:23:33

and broke the loaves and gave them to the disciples...

1:23:331:23:37

..and the disciples gave them to the crowds.

1:23:391:23:42

And all ate and were filled.

1:23:421:23:45

One of my favourites, feeding of the 5,000.

1:23:461:23:49

Now why doesn't that surprise me, Neil?

1:23:491:23:52

Never trust a man who doesn't like his food.

1:23:541:23:57

I'm glad you enjoyed the sermon.

1:23:591:24:01

I always enjoyed your sermons.

1:24:011:24:04

That's why I told you you'd make bishop one day.

1:24:041:24:07

It was like the first time I saw Mark Stein.

1:24:071:24:11

I knew he was special, too.

1:24:111:24:13

Mark Stein?

1:24:131:24:14

33 Goals in 57 matches.

1:24:141:24:17

I made you a card.

1:24:191:24:21

To say well done, like.

1:24:261:24:27

Thank you, Neil.

1:24:271:24:29

Thank you.

1:24:331:24:34

That means a lot.

1:24:361:24:37

And I've got a cockatoo.

1:24:391:24:41

Oh, no presents, I insist.

1:24:411:24:43

The card is more than enough.

1:24:431:24:45

No, no, no. The cockatoo is for me.

1:24:451:24:49

Fosset's Circus give it me.

1:24:491:24:51

It's got something wrong with its foot

1:24:511:24:53

so it's not cut out for show business.

1:24:531:24:55

It lands on my head every night, without fail.

1:24:571:25:00

He said he give it me cos he knew I'd look after it, and I will.

1:25:021:25:06

I'm sure you will.

1:25:061:25:08

Your mum always said you had a real knack for looking after animals.

1:25:081:25:11

She was proud of me, you know, Mum.

1:25:121:25:15

She was, Neil.

1:25:161:25:17

She was indeed.

1:25:191:25:21

Can you drop me off on the way?

1:25:281:25:31

Well, it's not really on my way.

1:25:311:25:33

It is if you go that way to drop me off.

1:25:331:25:35

-HE SIGHS:

-Yes, of course, of course.

1:25:351:25:38

Can we stop off at the Co-op?

1:25:441:25:46

I've got a spot of shopping to do.

1:25:461:25:49

Yeah, why not?

1:25:501:25:52

Why not?

1:25:521:25:53

CHOIR: # One Neil Baldwin

1:25:561:26:00

# There's only one Neil Baldwin

1:26:001:26:02

# One Neil Baldwin

1:26:041:26:07

# There's only one Neil Baldwin

1:26:071:26:11

# One Neil Baldwin

1:26:121:26:15

# There's only one Neil Baldwin

1:26:151:26:18

# One Neil Baldwin

1:26:191:26:23

# There's only one Neil Baldwin!

1:26:231:26:27

# One Neil Baldwin

1:26:271:26:29

# There's only one Neil Baldwin

1:26:311:26:33

# One Neil Baldwin

1:26:351:26:38

# There's only one Neil Baldwin

1:26:381:26:42

# One Neil Baldwin

1:26:431:26:45

# There's only one Neil Baldwin

1:26:461:26:49

# One Neil Baldwin

1:26:511:26:53

APPLAUSE

1:26:531:26:55

# One Neil Baldwin

1:26:591:27:01

# There's only one Neil Baldwin

1:27:021:27:05

-CROWD:

-# One Neil Baldwin!

1:27:051:27:08

# There's only one Neil Baldwin. #

1:27:081:27:11

CHEERING

1:27:111:27:13

# One Neil Baldwin

1:27:131:27:16

# There's only one Neil Baldwin

1:27:171:27:19

# One Neil Baldwin

1:27:211:27:24

# There's only one Neil Baldwin. #

1:27:251:27:29

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