The Cat in the Hat


The Cat in the Hat

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Transcript


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NARRATOR: 'There are kajillions of stories

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'Of mischief and fun

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'But to keep things simple

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'Let's start with just one

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'About a mom and two kids

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'And a house and a hat

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'That oddly enough

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'Was worn by a cat

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'But soon enough

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'We'll get to all that

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'In the valley that stretches

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'From this hill to that hill

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'A city is nestled

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'That city is Anville.'

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Any more tutti-frutti?

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NARRATOR: 'It's a town that's not huge

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'But quite big enough...' WHISTLE BLOWS

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'..For buyers and sellers

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'To sell and buy stuff

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'From shoes and shirts

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'And elongated ladders

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'To sailboats and gibblegrated

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'Berry juice bladders

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'So our story begins

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'At the corner of Main and Montroob...'

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There you go.

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'..In the spotless real estate office

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'Run by Hank Humberfloob.'

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WOMAN: Humberfloob Real Estate.

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How can we make your dreams come true?

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What do you mean, you're leaving?

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You're a baby-sitter.

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Baby-sitters don't leave, they sit.

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Baby-leavers leave.

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GIRL ON PHONE: 'I'm sorry. I really gotta go, Mrs Walden.'

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Well, I need to come home right away.

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'I forgot.'

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All right. Thank you, Amy.

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'Sorry.'

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GEARS CLICK

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Attention, everyone!

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It's 9.02!

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Staff meeting! Staff meeting!

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Look alive, everyone.

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First, I'd like to welcome aboard our newest member

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of the Humberfloob family,

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Jim McFlinnagan! LIGHT APPLAUSE

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Mr Humberfloob, I wanted to thank you.

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Fired.

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I beg your pardon?

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Fired.

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But I...

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FIRED!

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One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

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As you know, tonight is our bimonthly meet-and-greet party.

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Tonight's host is...

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Joan Walden.

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LIGHT APPLAUSE This is where people

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can meet our real estate agents

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in an informal, yet hygienic, setting.

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Mr Humberfloob, I have to get home to my kids.

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Ah, yes.

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Your children.

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Joan, let me make this perfectly clear.

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If your house is as messy as last time...

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..you're FIRED!

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That's pretty clear, Mr Humberfloob.

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Don't worry.

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I promise, my kids will be on their best behaviour.

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Great.

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PHONE RINGS

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WOMAN: Humberfloob Real Estate.

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How can we make your dreams come true?

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Please hold.

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NARRATOR: 'If you leave Humberfloob's

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'And turn left onto Main

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'Three miles down

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'You'll find Lipplapper Lane

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'A pleasant enough street

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'In a pleasant enough way

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'Where neighbour greeted neighbour

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'With a neighbourly, "Hey."'

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-Hey. -Hey.

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NARRATOR: 'Here the hedges were hedged

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'The weeds were all weeded

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'And lawns were mowed daily

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'Twice daily, if needed

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'And at the end of this street

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'In a house like any other

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'Something magical would happen

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'To a sister and her brother.'

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BARKING

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Shh! Nevins, stealth mode.

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Today's to-do list.

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"NUMBER ONE: Make to-do list.

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"NUMBER TWO: Practise colouring.

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"NUMBER THREE: Research graduate schools.

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"NUMBER FOUR: Be spontaneous.

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"NUMBER FIVE: Create lasting childhood memories.

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And "NUMBER SIX: amend will."

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What is he doing?

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GRUNTS

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CLATTERING

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SIGHS

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GRUNTS

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WHIMPERS

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BEEPS

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"NUMBER TEN: Make tomorrow's to-do list."

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WHIMPERS

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Ladies and gentlemen! NEVINS BARKS

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Nevins, your attention, please.

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You are about to witness

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the third most spectacular stunt ever performed under this roof!

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Do you know how hard it's getting

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to tell people that we're related?

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Relax.

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I'll put everything back.

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NEVINS WHIMPERS

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And now for the indoor stair luge!

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Indoor stair luge? I'll have to add this one to my list.

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Go have no fun somewhere else.

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It...

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is...show time!

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WHINES

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Whoa...!

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YELLING

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JOAN GASPS

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WOMAN: Oh, my word.

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BARKING

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Nevins!

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Nevins! Come back!

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Hey, Mom. What's up?

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You are so lucky you didn't ruin this dress.

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Mom, I know you're angry,

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but there's something you need to know.

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This was all Sally's fault.

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Oh, really?

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And how exactly was it Sally's fault?

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Uh, give me a minute. I'm working on it.

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Save it, Conrad.

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Why today?

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Why did you have to pick today

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to destroy the house?

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You know what's happening today.

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I tried to tell him, Mom.

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"Mom's throwing a very important party," I said.

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"All of her important clients will be here."

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But he went right ahead and wrecked the house

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and let Nevins get away.

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Now, again, I hope you're going to ground him.

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Yes, Sally, for a week. But that's none of your business.

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CONRAD: A week? Come on, two days.

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JOAN: I asked you to do one thing today, Conrad -

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keep the house clean.

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Do you know how frustrating it is

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that you're always doing the exact opposite of what I say?

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MAN: Knock, knock, knock.

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Someone lose a dog?

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I found him next door

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in my yard...again.

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JOAN: You are a saint.

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And here I thought you were only dating me

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for my good looks.

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Lucky us. Larry Quinn is here.

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Hey, sport.

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Call me Lawrence, OK?

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You rescued Nevins!

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Thanks, Lawrence!

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It was my pleasure, Sally.

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Anything for my little princess.

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Oh, I don't want to be a princess.

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In a constitutional monarchy,

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parliament has all the real power.

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I see. OK. That's great.

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Uh, look, pal, be a sport, and why don't you go and, er,

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tidy up the living room, OK, dude?

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I don't have to listen to you, Larry.

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Conrad, do what Lawrence says.

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HE SIGHS

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Have you given some thought about the Wilhelm Academy?

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You mean, the Colonel Wilhelm

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Military Academy For Troubled Youth?

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That's the one, Joan.

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I'm not sure it's right for Conrad.

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Oh, Joan. SHE SPRAYS CLEANER

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Joan.

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Joan, Joan, Joan.

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I have so much respect for you, Joan.

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Single mother,

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career woman, raising two children on your own,

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and still finding time to be

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the best darn real estate agent in town.

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I know how hard it is, Joan.

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It is hard.

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Oh, I know.

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And I know how hard you're trying.

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This is a once-in-a- lifetime proposition,

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and you must act now.

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The Colonel Wilhelm Military Academy For Troubled Youth

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is what we call in the sales game a win-win scenario.

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A top-flight military school

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and it's only...eight hours away.

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PHONE RINGS, SHE GASPS

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Oh, the phone.

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PHONE CONTINUES RINGING

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I heard what you said.

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I'm not going to military school, Larry.

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Look, buddy, I know I'm not your dad,

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and this is probably really strange for you, you know,

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your neighbour's dating your mom, but...

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here's the thing, son. Come here.

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I don't like you, either,

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but I'm gonna marry your mom.

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And if it was up to me,

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you'd be at military school today.

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I'm not going to military school.

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Oh, I think you're going to love it.

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It's just like summer camp,

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except with brutal forced marches

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and soul-crushing discipline.

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And one more thing,

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it's Lawrence, you snot-nosed, little son of a...

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wonderful woman who I'm absolutely crazy about!

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Gosh, I love children!

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Oh, Joan, I didn't see you there.

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HE GRUNTS Lawrence, would you be a doll

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and help me bring up the extra chairs from the basement?

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Oh, nothing would give me more pleasure, Joan,

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but I do have to run. I have an important sales conference downtown.

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Oh, OK.

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Well, I'll see you at the party tonight.

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Sure. HE SNORTS

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Mom, that guy's a total phoney.

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You can't let Larry... It's Lawrence, Conrad.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Kate's Catering.

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I'm here to do your party tonight.

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Oh, hi. Where's Kate?

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I'm Kate.

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Oh. OK.

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Right this way, Kate.

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Mom, you've got to listen to me...

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PHONE RINGS Quiet!

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Two weeks ago, you said today was good...

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JOAN SCREAMS ..ergo, I scheduled it, see?

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Quiet! Nevins! PHONE RINGS

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NEVINS WHIMPERS

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PHONE RINGS I said, quiet!

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PHONE RINGS

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Joan Walden Real Estate.

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Be it ever so humble,

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there's no place like Joan.

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This is Mr Humberfloob.

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Oh, hi.

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Joan, I need you to come back to the office.

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Today? Yes, Joan.

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No problem?

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No problem at all.

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Great!

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Oh!

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What's going on, Mommy?

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Mommy has to go

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back to the office.

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Oh, I hope Mrs Kwan can baby-sit.

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Not Mrs Kwan!

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Oh!

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Hi, Mrs Kwan.

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Hi.

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I'm running late.

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Thanks for baby-sitting on such short notice.

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Mm, yeah.

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OK, Mrs Kwan.

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Ooh, ooh, ooh.

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I'll be back in a couple of hours.

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- Hi. - Conrad's grounded,

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so no video games. Sally, last chance.

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If you want to make cupcakes,

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I can take you to your friend Ginny's house.

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Ginny's not my friend anymore. NEVINS AND KWAN GROWL

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Last time we made cupcakes,

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she wanted to be the head chef.

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I'm the head chef.

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Well, what about Denise, then?

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She talked back to me,

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so I ordered her not to speak to me anymore.

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And you don't like bossy?

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I won't tolerate it.

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Right.

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Well, if you're both staying, remember the rules.

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Conrad, no playing ball in the house, no fighting,

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no answering the phone, "City morgue..."

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Mommy, can't I have some rules?

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No chewing tobacco.

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Thanks, Mom. You have my word.

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And absolutely

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no-one sets foot in the living room,

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or else. CONRAD: Or else what?

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You're going to do what Larry said

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and send me to military school?

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Maybe if you'd just behave,

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I wouldn't have to consider military school.

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I wish I could trust you.

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I wish I had a different mom.

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Well, sometimes, I wish the same thing.

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DOOR OPENS

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DOOR CLOSES

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Oh.

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BICYCLE BELL DINGS

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Good luck with your meeting.

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HE GRUNTS

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KWAN: Children?

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Would you like to watch television with me?

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We don't have to tell your mother.

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MAN TALKS ON TV

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BOTH: Taiwanese parliament.

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You tell them, Kwai-chang!

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No more big government! BLOWS LAND, KARATE SHRIEKS

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KWAN: Rip his heart out!

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BLOWS LAND, GROANING

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HIGH-PITCHED KARATE SHOUTS

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BLOWS CONTINUE

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SHE SNORES

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DOG WHINES

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Hit me! THUD!

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NARRATOR: 'So they slumped in their chairs

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'Too glum to complain.'

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THUNDER RUMBLES 'And to make matters worse

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'It started to rain.' BUTTERFLY GASPS

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'They sat in the house

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'On that cold, cold, wet day

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'With no fun to have

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'And no games to play

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'They could just stare out the window

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'Or perhaps get a nap in

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'And hope that something, anything, might happen.'

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Quit bothering the fish.

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Fine, I'll quit bothering the fish.

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- Spit hand! - Oh, gross!

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Get that away from me!

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Get it away! LOUD THUMPING

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NARRATOR: 'Then something went bump.' What was that?

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'How that bump made them jump!'

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NEVINS BARKS

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I think it came from the closet.

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NEVINS WHINES

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NEVINS BARKS

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THUMPING AND CLATTERING

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Conrad?

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Conrad.

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Come on, Conrad.

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CHUCKLING

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You shouldn't scare people.

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You should've seen the look on your face.

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It was like you saw a monster.

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A monster? Where?

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That could've gone better. HE LAUGHS

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THEY SCREAM

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SALLY: What was that?

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I don't know.

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It looked like a humongous cat.

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Humongous?

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I prefer the term "big-boned" or "jolly".

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What are we hiding from? Ha-ha!

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THEY SCREAM

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That was a giant cat.

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But that's impossible, isn't it?

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CAT: It's entirely impossible.

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You know, I like this hiding place a lot better.

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They'll never find us here.

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Scream and run.

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THEY SCREAM And away they go.

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Who are you? CAT: Who, me?

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Why, I'm the Cat In The Hat!

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There's no doubt about that!

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I'm a super-fundiferous feline

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Who's here to make sure that you're...

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..me-line?

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Key lime?

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Turpen...tine?

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I got nothing.

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I'm not so good with the rhyming.

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Not really. No.

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Look, I'm a cat that can talk.

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That should be enough for you people!

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Oh, I don't know what's going on.

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Where did you come from?

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Hmm. How do I put this?

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When a mommy cat

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and a daddy cat love each other very much,

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they decide that... Oh, no, no!

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Uh, um.

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Where did you come from?

0:17:560:17:58

My place! Where do you think?

0:17:580:18:00

GASPING LAUGH

0:18:000:18:01

No. How did you get here?

0:18:010:18:04

I drove!

0:18:040:18:05

Look, I've been here two whole minutes,

0:18:050:18:08

and no-one has offered me a drink. Harumph!

0:18:080:18:10

SALLY: Sorry, Mr Cat.

0:18:100:18:12

Would you like some...milk?

0:18:120:18:14

Milk? Uch! No!

0:18:140:18:15

Lactose intolerant. Gums up the works.

0:18:150:18:18

Oi.

0:18:180:18:19

You'll thank me later.

0:18:190:18:21

GASPING LAUGH

0:18:210:18:23

Hello!

0:18:250:18:27

Surf's up!

0:18:270:18:28

Yeah!

0:18:290:18:30

Nice spread you got here.

0:18:370:18:39

Homina, homina, homina,

0:18:390:18:40

homina!

0:18:400:18:42

Who is this?

0:18:420:18:43

GASPING LAUGH

0:18:430:18:45

Oh...

0:18:450:18:47

That's my mom.

0:18:480:18:50

Awkward. Yeah.

0:18:500:18:51

Yes, this place will do quite nicely, actually.

0:18:510:18:54

Yeah.

0:18:540:18:55

LISPING: Although those drapes are a train wreck.

0:18:550:18:57

HE CHUCKLES

0:18:570:18:59

COUCH SPRINGS GROAN

0:18:590:19:00

And this is the lumpiest couch I ever sat on.

0:19:000:19:03

Who is this dreadfully uncomfortable woman?!

0:19:030:19:06

SALLY: Get off her.

0:19:060:19:07

That's our baby-sitter.

0:19:070:19:08

What the...?!

0:19:080:19:09

Baby-sitter?

0:19:090:19:10

You don't need one of those, do you?

0:19:100:19:13

CAT: Let me get this straight.

0:19:180:19:20

You pay this woman

0:19:200:19:22

to sit on babies?

0:19:220:19:24

That's disgusting!

0:19:240:19:26

I'd do it for nothing.

0:19:270:19:29

HE LAUGHS

0:19:290:19:30

Hmm!

0:19:300:19:31

Now,

0:19:330:19:35

let's see what the old phunometer has to say.

0:19:350:19:38

"Phunometer"?

0:19:380:19:39

Yeah, it measures how fun you are.

0:19:390:19:41

AIR PUMPS, MECHANICAL SQUEAKING

0:19:420:19:45

BELL DINGS Huh? Huh?

0:19:500:19:51

Oh...

0:19:540:19:56

Ah, control freak.

0:19:580:20:00

Yeah.

0:20:000:20:01

Now you.

0:20:010:20:02

BELL DINGS

0:20:060:20:08

Whoa.

0:20:080:20:08

Ru... Ru...

0:20:080:20:10

HE CHUCKLES OK.

0:20:100:20:12

RESTRAINED CHUCKLING Uh...er...

0:20:120:20:16

Tap it.

0:20:160:20:18

Listen, kid, you can tap it with a hammer,

0:20:180:20:21

it ain't gonna change. GASPING LAUGH

0:20:210:20:24

Just as I suspected, you guys are both out of whack.

0:20:240:20:27

Mm-hmm. You're a control freak,

0:20:270:20:29

and you're a rule breaker.

0:20:290:20:30

That'll be 700. Who's your insurance carrier?

0:20:300:20:33

So what do we do?

0:20:330:20:35

Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend.

0:20:350:20:37

One is a series of painful shots

0:20:370:20:39

injected into your abdomen and kneecaps.

0:20:390:20:41

And the other

0:20:410:20:42

involves a musical number!

0:20:420:20:45

# Mi-mi-miaow! #

0:20:450:20:47

How many shots(?)

0:20:470:20:49

HIGH-PITCHED GASPING: "How many shots?" Aren't you precious?

0:20:490:20:53

Maestro! MUSIC PLAYS

0:21:030:21:06

# I know it is wet

0:21:080:21:10

# And the sun is not sunny

0:21:100:21:12

# But we can have lots of good fun

0:21:120:21:16

# That is funny! # THEY GROAN

0:21:160:21:19

# It's fun to have fun But you got to know...how! #

0:21:190:21:26

HE RETCHES Eugh!

0:21:280:21:30

Hair ball!

0:21:300:21:32

# I know lots of good tricks

0:21:340:21:37

# And I'll... # MALE VOICE: Stop this right now!

0:21:370:21:39

Huh? who said that?

0:21:390:21:41

Me! Remember? The fish!

0:21:410:21:43

I came home in a baggie, you loved me for two weeks, and then nothing!

0:21:430:21:46

The fish is talking!

0:21:460:21:48

Well, sure he can talk, but is he saying anything?

0:21:480:21:50

No, not really. No.

0:21:500:21:52

FISH: Hey, socks, can it!

0:21:520:21:54

This cat should not be here

0:21:540:21:55

He should not be about

0:21:550:21:56

He should not be here when your mother is out.

0:21:560:21:58

Come on, kids, you gonna listen to him?

0:21:580:21:59

He drinks where he pees!

0:21:590:22:01

LIVELY LATIN MUSIC PLAYS

0:22:040:22:07

# There was this cat I knew

0:22:090:22:10

# Back home where I was bred

0:22:100:22:12

# Never listened to a single thing his mother said

0:22:120:22:15

# He never used the litter box

0:22:150:22:16

# He made a mess in the halls

0:22:160:22:18

# That's why they sent him to a vet

0:22:180:22:19

# Who cut off both his ba...

0:22:190:22:21

# Ba...ba...

0:22:210:22:24

# Boy! That wasn't fun

0:22:240:22:25

# Fun, fun!

0:22:250:22:27

# He never learned you can have

0:22:270:22:28

# Fun, fun, fun!

0:22:280:22:29

# Cos less is more

0:22:290:22:30

# They may ship you off to school

0:22:300:22:32

# So reign it in a little

0:22:320:22:33

# We can't spell fun without U in the middle. #

0:22:330:22:35

FISH: Children!

0:22:350:22:36

This cat is in violation of... HE MUMBLES

0:22:360:22:38

17 of your mother's rules. PHONE RINGS

0:22:380:22:40

City morgue.

0:22:400:22:41

18!

0:22:410:22:42

HE LAUGHS

0:22:420:22:43

FANFARE PLAYS, CROWD ROAR

0:22:430:22:48

Ole!

0:22:490:22:50

BULL BELLOWS

0:22:500:22:52

HE SCREAMS

0:22:530:22:55

# You can juggle work and play

0:22:590:23:00

# But you have to know the way

0:23:000:23:01

# You could keep afloat a wish

0:23:010:23:02

# Like the way I do this fish

0:23:020:23:04

# You can be a happy fella

0:23:040:23:06

# Someone throw me that umbrella!

0:23:060:23:07

# And that rake, that cake!

0:23:070:23:09

# Life's what you make it, so have fun, fun, fun

0:23:090:23:12

# Go insane and have some fun, fun, fun!

0:23:120:23:15

# Just look at me

0:23:150:23:16

# Fun, fun, fun!

0:23:160:23:17

# No more rain, look, it's the sun, sun, sun!

0:23:170:23:20

# So can't you see?

0:23:200:23:21

# I'm as happy as a clam

0:23:210:23:22

# I'm as fit as a fiddle

0:23:220:23:24

# Yeah, the dogs may bark about you

0:23:240:23:25

# And the purebred cats may doubt you... #

0:23:250:23:27

FISH: I'm getting motion sickness.

0:23:270:23:29

Milk? Big mistake.

0:23:290:23:31

RUMBLING

0:23:310:23:32

# But remember this

0:23:320:23:33

# You can't have fun without U... #

0:23:330:23:34

FISH: I can't breathe.

0:23:340:23:35

HE GROANS

0:23:350:23:36

I knew that milk would come back to haunt me.

0:23:370:23:41

FISH: Help! Help!

0:23:410:23:42

BURP!

0:23:420:23:45

# U in the middle! #

0:23:510:23:58

Bravo, cat(!) I think these children are smart enough

0:24:010:24:04

not to fall for your MTV-style flash

0:24:040:24:06

at the expense of content and moral values.

0:24:060:24:08

That was wicked cool!

0:24:080:24:10

Do it again.

0:24:100:24:11

I'd love to, but Shamu is right.

0:24:110:24:13

I really should be going.

0:24:130:24:14

No, don't go!

0:24:140:24:15

No, I should go.

0:24:150:24:17

I should let you and the fish have all your fun

0:24:170:24:19

conjugating verbs, cleaning your room,

0:24:190:24:21

doing long division.

0:24:210:24:23

No, you have to stay!

0:24:230:24:24

All right, I'll stay.

0:24:240:24:26

CHILDREN CHEER Oh, yeah!

0:24:260:24:27

But if I'm going to stay,

0:24:270:24:29

there's something I want to show you.

0:24:290:24:31

Something magical and full of wonder.

0:24:310:24:35

HE CHUCKLES

0:24:350:24:36

It's called a contract.

0:24:370:24:38

You want us to sign this?

0:24:380:24:40

Just a formality, really.

0:24:400:24:42

Who are they?

0:24:420:24:43

Magical, time-travelling elves!

0:24:440:24:48

HE LAUGHS Yeah. Magic.

0:24:480:24:51

HE CHUCKLES

0:24:510:24:53

OK, they're my lawyers.

0:24:530:24:56

Liability issues, litigious society,

0:24:560:24:58

frivolous lawsuits - you understand.

0:24:580:25:00

Basically, this contract guarantees

0:25:000:25:02

you can have all the fun you want and nothing bad's ever going to happen.

0:25:020:25:05

All the fun we want?

0:25:050:25:07

Uh, yup!

0:25:070:25:07

Nothing bad will happen?

0:25:070:25:09

Uh, nope!

0:25:090:25:10

Come on, Sal, for once in your life,

0:25:100:25:12

try something spontaneous.

0:25:120:25:14

SHE SIGHS

0:25:150:25:16

It goes against my better instincts,

0:25:160:25:18

but...

0:25:180:25:20

fine.

0:25:200:25:21

HE LAUGHS Beautiful. Initial here...

0:25:210:25:24

and here, and here...

0:25:240:25:26

Not here!

0:25:260:25:27

EXHALES SHARPLY Turn it over.

0:25:280:25:30

This is nothing.

0:25:310:25:33

Scratch this.

0:25:330:25:35

Smell that. Terrific.

0:25:350:25:37

Yada, yada,

0:25:370:25:38

Yadie.

0:25:380:25:39

Sign the bottom.

0:25:390:25:40

PEN SCRATCHES Great!

0:25:400:25:42

OK. Give me five!

0:25:420:25:44

Four.

0:25:460:25:47

HE LAUGHS

0:25:490:25:50

Let's get this party started!

0:25:500:25:52

Hey,

0:25:520:25:53

check out this room!

0:25:530:25:55

HE LAUGHS What now?

0:25:550:25:58

Mom says we're not allowed

0:25:580:25:59

in the living room today, or else.

0:25:590:26:01

She's worried we'll mess up the couches

0:26:010:26:02

by jumping on them or something.

0:26:020:26:04

And she's right - you can't jump on these.

0:26:040:26:07

Not like this. They need some adjustment.

0:26:070:26:09

BANJO MUSIC PLAYS Yee-ha!

0:26:090:26:12

SOUTHERN ACCENT: Let's take a look under the hood.

0:26:130:26:16

HE SPITS, SPITTOON CLANGS

0:26:160:26:18

Yeah.

0:26:180:26:19

Where's my jack?

0:26:190:26:21

PARP! Sorry.

0:26:210:26:22

What've we got here?

0:26:220:26:24

Whew!

0:26:240:26:26

Here we go.

0:26:260:26:28

HE LAUGHS

0:26:280:26:30

It's oversized. That's unusual.

0:26:300:26:33

Here it is!

0:26:330:26:35

ELEPHANT TRUMPETS Down, Simba! Down, Simba!

0:26:350:26:39

Get out of here!

0:26:390:26:41

Spray me, would you?

0:26:410:26:42

ELEPHANT WHIMPERS

0:26:510:26:53

Thanks for the help.

0:26:560:26:58

Back in a second.

0:27:000:27:01

Who's your couch mechanic?

0:27:010:27:03

You ought to call

0:27:030:27:04

Mr Catwrench.

0:27:040:27:05

Ow! Ow! My fur!

0:27:050:27:08

My fur! My fur! Oh!

0:27:080:27:09

HE YELLS

0:27:090:27:11

That ought to do it.

0:27:120:27:15

Whew!

0:27:150:27:16

HE LAUGHS

0:27:170:27:20

HE LAUGHS

0:27:240:27:26

Come on, kids.

0:27:290:27:30

I could use a little company.

0:27:300:27:32

What about mom's party?

0:27:320:27:34

What about it? We signed the contract.

0:27:340:27:35

Wah-hoo!

0:27:350:27:36

THEY LAUGH Yeah!

0:27:360:27:39

One cushion left, Sally.

0:27:390:27:42

She'll never do it.

0:27:420:27:43

She doesn't know how to have fun.

0:27:430:27:45

FISH: Fun? Sally, you're

0:27:450:27:46

better than "fun".

0:27:460:27:48

Fun is beneath you.

0:27:480:27:49

Remember what your mother told you?

0:27:490:27:51

"No-one sets foot in the living room..."

0:27:510:27:54

You know what? Let's just watch some flashbacks.

0:27:540:27:56

Absolutely no-one sets foot

0:27:560:27:59

in the living room or else.

0:27:590:28:01

You're fired, fired, fired, fired, fired, fired...

0:28:010:28:07

HE TAKES A DEEP BREATH

0:28:070:28:08

Fired, fired...fired.

0:28:080:28:10

And that's why...

0:28:100:28:11

This is where they buried my brother!

0:28:160:28:19

CAT LAUGHS Yeah!

0:28:190:28:20

Yippee!

0:28:200:28:22

Oh, yeah!

0:28:220:28:23

This is amazing.

0:28:230:28:24

Like being in a circus.

0:28:240:28:26

Yeah, but without those tortured animals or drunken clowns

0:28:260:28:30

that have hepatitis. See, kids? I told you we could have fun!

0:28:300:28:33

CONRAD: And the best thing is,

0:28:330:28:35

no-one will ever...

0:28:350:28:37

know.

0:28:370:28:38

Judas Priest!

0:28:380:28:40

I can't believe what I'm seeing!

0:28:400:28:43

Oh, Mr Quinn,

0:28:430:28:44

I was just telling Conrad to get off the couch.

0:28:440:28:47

Bad Conrad! Bad!

0:28:470:28:49

Sally...

0:28:490:28:50

baby, angel, princess,

0:28:500:28:52

I'm going to let you in

0:28:520:28:53

on a little secret, OK?

0:28:530:28:57

Nobody likes a suck-up!

0:28:570:28:59

QUINN LAUGHS

0:29:020:29:04

CONRAD: Where's the cat?

0:29:080:29:10

I don't know.

0:29:100:29:11

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

0:29:110:29:13

BURP!

0:29:150:29:17

Oh...

0:29:170:29:19

Good bread.

0:29:190:29:20

What are you two looking at?

0:29:220:29:24

HE SNEEZES

0:29:300:29:33

Is there a cat in here?

0:29:330:29:34

I'm gonna...

0:29:360:29:38

You're gonna...

0:29:380:29:39

I have to...

0:29:390:29:41

..get out of here!

0:29:440:29:46

See, kids? I told you.

0:29:500:29:51

Stick with me, it'll all work out.

0:29:510:29:53

CAT SNEEZES Oh, no! Oh!

0:29:530:29:56

HE LAUGHS

0:29:560:29:57

Little known fact - cats always land on their tushie.

0:29:570:30:00

I thought they always landed on their feet.

0:30:000:30:02

Oh, sure, now you tell me.

0:30:020:30:04

Harumph.

0:30:040:30:05

So, kiddo, what do you want to do for fun?

0:30:050:30:08

I want to make cupcakes!

0:30:080:30:09

Cupcakes? Oh, yeah!

0:30:090:30:11

To the kitchen!

0:30:110:30:13

ANNOUNCER: 'Live from the kitchen,

0:30:130:30:14

'the following is a paid commercial announcement

0:30:140:30:16

'for Astounding Products.'

0:30:160:30:16

Hi. Welcome to Astounding Products.

0:30:160:30:19

CANNED LAUGHTER/APPLAUSE

0:30:190:30:21

I'm your host, the guy in the sweater

0:30:210:30:24

who asks all the obvious questions.

0:30:240:30:26

Now, here to tell us about his astounding product

0:30:260:30:29

for making cupcakes,

0:30:290:30:31

all the way from Cheshire, England, please welcome...

0:30:310:30:33

Me! Hello!

0:30:330:30:35

Now...

0:30:350:30:37

Hello! I'm so excited!

0:30:370:30:40

Do you love making cupcakes but hate all the hard cupcake work?

0:30:400:30:44

I know I do!

0:30:440:30:46

Well, forget everything you know about making cupcakes

0:30:460:30:49

and say hello to the amazing

0:30:490:30:52

Kupkake-inator.

0:30:520:30:54

I'm so excited!

0:30:540:30:56

Cupcake-a-what?

0:30:570:30:59

WITH AUDIENCE: Kupkake-inator!

0:30:590:31:01

Go on.

0:31:010:31:02

This amazing device can instantly make cupcakes

0:31:020:31:04

out of anything that you have in the kitchen.

0:31:040:31:07

Wait a minute! Did you say ANYTHING?

0:31:070:31:09

- Anything! - Anything?

0:31:090:31:10

Yes, anything.

0:31:100:31:12

- Anything? - Anything.

0:31:120:31:14

Anything?!

0:31:140:31:15

I'll get you, and it'll look like a bloody accident.

0:31:150:31:18

Anything. Now, let's see, take off the lid.

0:31:180:31:21

You can put in, I don't know, a carton of eggs...

0:31:210:31:23

What?!

0:31:230:31:24

How about a pack of hot dogs?

0:31:240:31:24

That's incredible!

0:31:240:31:26

Why not some ketchup?

0:31:260:31:27

Yeah, why not?

0:31:270:31:28

How about - I know what you're thinking -

0:31:280:31:29

even a fire extinguisher.

0:31:290:31:30

There we go.

0:31:300:31:31

Hmm?

0:31:310:31:33

Now, close the lid, and Bob's your flippin' uncle.

0:31:330:31:36

What an astounding product!

0:31:360:31:38

Oh, yeah!

0:31:380:31:39

Open the drawer.

0:31:390:31:41

Fill the patented kupkake-inator tray.

0:31:420:31:45

AUDIENCE: Ah!

0:31:450:31:46

Close the drawer.

0:31:460:31:48

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

0:31:480:31:49

Then place it in a conventional oven.

0:31:490:31:52

Oh, yeah.

0:31:550:31:56

Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.

0:31:560:31:59

Did you just say "minutes away"?

0:31:590:32:01

WITH AUDIENCE: That's impossible!

0:32:010:32:02

You're not just wrong, you're stupid.

0:32:020:32:04

Now wait just a minute.

0:32:040:32:05

And you're ugly, just like your mum.

0:32:050:32:07

Did you just call my mother ugly?

0:32:070:32:10

Shut up! I mean it.

0:32:100:32:11

I will end you!

0:32:110:32:12

Ooh!

0:32:130:32:14

Um, Cat, your tail.

0:32:140:32:17

What about it?

0:32:170:32:19

Oh, I see.

0:32:190:32:21

I've chopped it off.

0:32:210:32:22

Well, that's interesting, because...

0:32:220:32:24

-Son of a

-BEEP!

0:32:240:32:27

Look, I'm not saying we're going to sue.

0:32:310:32:33

I'm just saying we have a case.

0:32:330:32:35

We'll talk later.

0:32:350:32:37

Ix-nay, ix-nay.

0:32:370:32:39

Hi.

0:32:390:32:40

Uh, cat, is the oven supposed to be making that sound?

0:32:400:32:43

OVEN HISSES

0:32:430:32:45

Of course. That means they're almost done, Con-rack.

0:32:450:32:48

Conrad.

0:32:480:32:49

That's what I said, Condor.

0:32:490:32:50

Cat!

0:32:500:32:51

Now that's MY name!

0:32:510:32:53

OVEN BELL CHIMES

0:33:000:33:01

Yep, they're done!

0:33:010:33:04

Oh, man.

0:33:040:33:05

There's nothing to worry about.

0:33:050:33:06

I'm sure they still taste fine.

0:33:060:33:08

Yuck! They're horrible!

0:33:080:33:10

Who wants some?

0:33:100:33:11

HE CHUCKLES Come on. Come on.

0:33:110:33:12

Oh, my cod!

0:33:140:33:16

Oh! Ow!

0:33:160:33:18

Cat, you need to clean this mess up, pronto.

0:33:180:33:20

We have a contract.

0:33:200:33:22

All right, I'll try.

0:33:220:33:24

Huh?

0:33:240:33:24

You don't try. You DO.

0:33:240:33:28

Yes, ma'am. Right away, ma'am.

0:33:280:33:31

I'll be right back.

0:33:320:33:33

Whoa!

0:33:330:33:35

HE LAUGHS

0:33:350:33:37

SNORING Hi. How are you?

0:33:380:33:41

IN FALSETTO: Look, I'm a girl.

0:33:450:33:47

HE GIGGLES

0:33:470:33:48

Stop!

0:33:510:33:52

That's...

0:33:520:33:53

BOTH: ..Mom's dress!

0:33:530:33:55

Huh? This filthy thing?

0:33:550:33:58

She was going to wear that tonight, and you ruined it!

0:33:580:34:00

Honey, it was ruined when she bought it.

0:34:000:34:03

MOTOWN MUSIC PLAYS, SNAPS FINGERS

0:34:030:34:05

Mm-hm. Yeah.

0:34:050:34:07

I told you all this would happen,

0:34:070:34:08

but no-one listens to a fish!

0:34:080:34:11

Oi!

0:34:110:34:12

A dog goes woof-woof,

0:34:120:34:13

and everybody knows that little Timmy's

0:34:130:34:14

trapped under a log,

0:34:140:34:15

but a fish speaks in plain English...

0:34:150:34:16

All right, everyone, let's just take

0:34:160:34:17

a deep breath and calm down.

0:34:170:34:20

CAT: You know who's gonna solve it?

0:34:230:34:25

Me. I am.

0:34:250:34:27

I will personally take care of everything.

0:34:270:34:31

And I know just the guys to do it.

0:34:310:34:33

HE LAUGHS

0:34:330:34:34

In this box are two Things

0:34:450:34:47

I will show them to you

0:34:470:34:49

Two things, and I call them

0:34:490:34:51

Thing One and Thing Two.

0:34:510:34:53

These Things will not bite you

0:34:530:34:54

They want to have fun

0:34:540:34:56

So without further ado, meet Thing Two and Thing One.

0:34:560:35:01

Ta-da!

0:35:040:35:06

Oh, yeah!

0:35:060:35:08

Thing One...Conrad, Sally. Conrad, Sally...Thing One.

0:35:100:35:12

Thing Two...Conrad, Sally. Conrad, Sally...Thing Two.

0:35:120:35:14

Thing One, Thing Two. Thing Two, Thing One.

0:35:140:35:16

Conrad, Sally. Sally, Conrad.

0:35:160:35:17

I am the Cat.

0:35:170:35:18

Don't belittle me.

0:35:180:35:19

Ah, yes, of course.

0:35:190:35:21

Thing Two would like to clarify

0:35:210:35:22

that just because he wears the number two

0:35:220:35:24

does not imply in anyway that he's inferior to Thing One.

0:35:240:35:27

I'm none of the above.

0:35:270:35:28

He says you may feel free to call him Thing A, if you like.

0:35:280:35:32

He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite,

0:35:320:35:35

Chocolate Thun-da, or Ben.

0:35:350:35:38

CHATTERING, BOX CREAKS

0:35:380:35:40

Thing One says he's Thing One

0:35:400:35:42

for a reason, and some people should just get used to it.

0:35:420:35:45

It's a Thing-thing.

0:35:450:35:47

You wouldn't understand.

0:35:470:35:48

THINGS CHATTER OK, enough!

0:35:480:35:50

You are quickly turning into one of my least favourite things.

0:35:500:35:53

Listen, Comdex,

0:35:540:35:55

you probably don't want to do that.

0:35:550:35:58

Why not? It's just a crate.

0:35:580:35:59

This isn't just any old crate.

0:35:590:36:00

It's the trans-dimensional- transportolator.

0:36:000:36:04

It's kind of like a doorway

0:36:040:36:05

which leads from this world to my world.

0:36:050:36:07

But it says, "Made in the Philippines."

0:36:070:36:09

Yes, but not THIS Philippines.

0:36:090:36:12

Look...

0:36:120:36:14

now, I'm not usually a rules guy, but this is a biggie.

0:36:140:36:16

No opening the crate.

0:36:160:36:18

No lookie, no touchie.

0:36:180:36:21

Got it?

0:36:210:36:22

LOCK GIBBERS

0:36:250:36:26

Mine!

0:36:260:36:28

CAT: Things, front and centre!

0:36:280:36:31

Cool.

0:36:310:36:32

All right, Things,

0:36:320:36:33

I'm not paying you to stand around and look pretty.

0:36:330:36:36

Here's mom's dress.

0:36:360:36:38

THEY CHATTER

0:36:380:36:40

HE GASPS

0:36:420:36:44

What about the couch?!

0:36:440:36:45

Which couch? The clean one

0:36:450:36:47

or the horribly stained one?

0:36:470:36:49

Incoming.

0:37:030:37:04

THINGS LAUGH WILDLY

0:37:060:37:07

SALLY: Cat,

0:37:070:37:09

they're wrecking the whole house!

0:37:090:37:12

SNORING

0:37:120:37:14

KWAN MUTTERS

0:37:140:37:17

Conrad, help!

0:37:310:37:34

Help yourself!

0:37:340:37:35

Want a piece of me?

0:37:350:37:36

Hello! Come and get it.

0:37:360:37:38

I'm upside-down! Mekka dekka!

0:37:380:37:40

Ooh, yeah! Whoa!

0:37:440:37:47

LOCK GIGGLES

0:37:540:37:56

That tickles.

0:37:560:37:57

Crab-ska! Geronimo!

0:37:580:38:01

LOCK: Mine! Mine! Mine!

0:38:030:38:05

Mine! Mine! Mine!

0:38:050:38:07

Ride 'em, cowboy!

0:38:090:38:11

If this were my house, I'd be furious.

0:38:190:38:22

HE LAUGHS

0:38:220:38:24

Hey, Klondike!

0:38:280:38:31

Do you have any idea

0:38:310:38:32

what happened to the lock on this crate?

0:38:320:38:35

It's on Nevins' collar.

0:38:350:38:36

Nevins?!

0:38:360:38:37

SALLY: Nevins? Nevins!

0:38:370:38:39

Put the dog down!

0:38:390:38:41

I said put the dog down!

0:38:410:38:43

Why won't they listen to me?!

0:38:430:38:45

Oh, I don't know if this helps,

0:38:450:38:46

but the Things always do the opposite of what you say.

0:38:460:38:50

Why do they always do the opposite?

0:38:500:38:51

It's so annoying!

0:38:510:38:53

Remind you of anyone, Conrad(?)

0:38:530:38:56

Zinger!

0:38:560:38:57

HE SLURPS

0:38:570:38:58

Zinger! Zinger!

0:38:580:38:59

Blue! 41, set, hut-hut, hike!

0:39:000:39:03

Hey, Things,

0:39:030:39:05

don't let go of that dog!

0:39:050:39:07

Let go!

0:39:070:39:09

CONRAD: Catch him!

0:39:090:39:10

I mean, don't catch him!

0:39:100:39:11

Whoa!

0:39:110:39:12

NEVINS BARKS

0:39:130:39:14

Well, this is just great, Conrad(!)

0:39:140:39:16

The whole house is destroyed,

0:39:160:39:17

the party is ruined,

0:39:170:39:18

and now Nevins is gone.

0:39:180:39:21

Sally. Kojak.

0:39:210:39:23

That's nothing compared to what's gonna happen

0:39:230:39:25

if we don't lock this crate!

0:39:250:39:27

Take a look.

0:39:270:39:28

It's already leaking!

0:39:280:39:30

STEAM HISSES

0:39:300:39:32

HE STRAINS

0:39:320:39:33

It won't stay shut!

0:39:330:39:35

Not without the lock!

0:39:350:39:37

Look, if we don't get that lock off of Nevins

0:39:370:39:39

and put it back on this crate,

0:39:390:39:41

we're going to be staring down the business end

0:39:410:39:43

of the mother of all messes.

0:39:430:39:47

We got to go out and find Nevins.

0:39:480:39:49

Impossible! Sally,

0:39:490:39:52

there's only four hours till the party!

0:39:520:39:54

The fish is right.

0:39:540:39:55

We should call Mom and tell her what happened.

0:39:550:39:56

Look at this house!

0:39:560:39:58

There's no way to explain this to Mom!

0:39:580:40:00

We got to get Nevins back

0:40:000:40:01

and lock the crate.

0:40:010:40:02

We're staying and calling Mom.

0:40:020:40:04

We're going and getting the dog.

0:40:040:40:07

There is a third option.

0:40:070:40:09

DRAMATIC NOTES PLAY There is?

0:40:090:40:11

CAT: Yes. It involves...

0:40:110:40:13

..murder. DRAMATIC CHORDS

0:40:140:40:17

That's your option?

0:40:170:40:18

No, but you guys both had options.

0:40:180:40:20

I just wanted to have one, too.

0:40:200:40:22

HE CHORTLES

0:40:220:40:23

Or did I?

0:40:230:40:24

DRAMATIC CHORDS

0:40:240:40:25

Cat, you're not helping!

0:40:250:40:27

Come on, let's go get that dog.

0:40:270:40:29

Now, we just need a heavy,

0:40:290:40:31

inanimate object to weigh down this crate.

0:40:310:40:34

SHE SNORES

0:40:370:40:39

There!

0:40:390:40:40

That ought to buy us some time.

0:40:400:40:42

Come on, kids. Let's go, go, go!

0:40:420:40:44

HE LAUGHS

0:40:440:40:46

Aaaaah!

0:40:470:40:49

KNOCKING ON DOOR Yeah?

0:41:000:41:02

What do you want now?

0:41:040:41:06

Repo.

0:41:060:41:08

You're repossessing

0:41:080:41:10

my TV?!

0:41:100:41:11

I'm sure I made a payment.

0:41:110:41:13

If it's about that bounced cheque,

0:41:130:41:14

here, let me give you a credit card.

0:41:140:41:15

Ooh, that one's expired.

0:41:150:41:17

Huh? Oh, come on!

0:41:170:41:20

NEVINS BARKS IN DISTANCE

0:41:200:41:22

NARRATOR: 'With the lock on his collar,

0:41:220:41:24

'Nevins kept running

0:41:240:41:26

'Unaware of his part in the evil

0:41:260:41:29

'Quinn's cunning.' PHONE RINGS

0:41:290:41:31

Joan Walden real estate.

0:41:310:41:33

Be it ever so humble, there's no...

0:41:330:41:34

Oh, hi, Joan. The kids

0:41:340:41:36

let the dog out again.

0:41:360:41:37

You're kidding? Uh, but don't worry.

0:41:370:41:39

I'll go get him, and then we'll have

0:41:390:41:40

a conversation vis-a-vis military school.

0:41:400:41:42

I don't know.

0:41:420:41:43

Conrad's like you, Lawrence.

0:41:430:41:45

He's very...

0:41:450:41:46

sensitive.

0:41:460:41:47

Uh-huh.

0:41:470:41:48

But I suppose it's something I should consider.

0:41:480:41:51

I'll get the dog. I'll be right over.

0:41:510:41:53

DIAL TONE

0:41:530:41:54

HE GRUNTS

0:41:570:42:00

BARKING

0:42:020:42:03

CONRAD: OK, there's Nevins.

0:42:030:42:04

Stay out of sight.

0:42:040:42:06

I thought the moment needed something.

0:42:190:42:21

Oh, what will become of us?

0:42:210:42:24

Your mother will lose her job,

0:42:240:42:26

and we'll have to... live on the street!

0:42:260:42:29

I can't!

0:42:290:42:31

Please don't make me go on...!

0:42:310:42:33

I don't know this world!

0:42:330:42:35

It's dry! It's... I can't take it!

0:42:350:42:38

It's too...

0:42:380:42:39

CONRAD: Fish!

0:42:390:42:40

It's too... It's too much!

0:42:400:42:42

Would you like to go back in the toilet?

0:42:420:42:44

On second thoughts, it's such a beautiful day.

0:42:440:42:45

Why spend it indoors?

0:42:450:42:46

Thank you! CAT LAUGHS

0:42:460:42:48

OK, kids, get out of my way.

0:42:490:42:51

This fence is no match for my cat-like grace and reflexes.

0:42:510:42:54

OK, here we go.

0:42:540:42:55

JOINTS CRACK

0:42:550:42:57

CAT EXHALES

0:42:570:42:59

Ow. OK.

0:42:590:43:00

Watch me fly, kids.

0:43:000:43:03

THUD!

0:43:030:43:05

THEY STRAIN

0:43:050:43:07

Ow!

0:43:070:43:09

I don't think the little girl's even trying.

0:43:090:43:12

What about your catlike...reflexes?

0:43:120:43:16

What about showing a little effort, shrimp boat?

0:43:160:43:18

Now, push!

0:43:180:43:19

Whoa!

0:43:190:43:21

All right, Nevins...

0:43:210:43:23

NEVINS WHIMPERS ..time to die!

0:43:230:43:26

Cat, you scared him away!

0:43:260:43:28

Dirty hoe.

0:43:280:43:31

I'm sorry, baby. I love you.

0:43:320:43:35

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

0:43:350:43:37

CONRAD: Come on, Cat!

0:43:370:43:38

CONRAD: There he is!

0:43:430:43:45

MAN: Happy birthday, Denise.

0:43:470:43:49

SALLY: Denise?

0:43:490:43:51

Everyone I know is there.

0:43:510:43:53

There's Jenny

0:43:530:43:54

and Ellen.

0:43:540:43:56

How come Denise didn't invite me to her birthday?

0:43:560:43:59

CONRAD: Don't worry.

0:43:590:44:00

Let's just get Nevins and go.

0:44:000:44:01

WOMAN: OK, kids, everyone outside!

0:44:010:44:03

THEY CHEER Ah! Ah!

0:44:030:44:05

CAT SHOUTS

0:44:100:44:11

Cat, get down! They're going to see you! Hide!

0:44:130:44:15

KIDS: Pinata! Pinata!

0:44:250:44:27

CAT WHIMPERS

0:44:290:44:31

Everybody join in!

0:44:330:44:35

It's breaking!

0:44:390:44:41

Step out of my way.

0:44:410:44:44

This cannot end well.

0:44:460:44:48

# That's why I'm easy

0:44:510:44:53

# Ah, ah, ah, ah

0:44:530:44:56

# I'm easy like Sunday morning... #

0:44:570:45:00

CAT SCREAMS, KIDS GROAN

0:45:000:45:03

Oh-oh! Whoo!

0:45:070:45:09

I got an idea.

0:45:100:45:11

Candy!

0:45:110:45:13

THEY CHEER

0:45:130:45:14

No! No!

0:45:200:45:22

I hit that cat so good.

0:45:220:45:26

CONRAD: Cat, go.

0:45:260:45:28

SHE SNORES, PHONE RINGS

0:45:300:45:32

- I'd love to buy some. - Hello, Mrs Kwan?

0:45:330:45:36

It's Joan Walden.

0:45:360:45:37

I just called to check on the kids. Are they OK?

0:45:370:45:40

Oh, those aren't children.

0:45:400:45:43

They're little angels.

0:45:430:45:46

THINGS LAUGH

0:45:460:45:48

That's sweet.

0:45:480:45:50

Well, all right, Mrs Kwan, I'll be home as soon as I can.

0:45:500:45:53

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

0:45:530:45:56

SONAR PING

0:46:190:46:22

CAT: All right, soldier, our bogey is in range.

0:46:240:46:26

- Commence search and destroy. - What?!

0:46:260:46:29

Search and rescue.

0:46:290:46:31

I meant "search and rescue". Come on.

0:46:310:46:34

CAT GULPS

0:46:340:46:36

I can't believe I wasn't invited to that party.

0:46:360:46:39

Hey, you're a lone wolf.

0:46:390:46:40

Live alone, die alone. Yeah.

0:46:400:46:44

Hey, can we please get the dog?

0:46:440:46:45

WHINING: "Can we please get the dog?

0:46:450:46:47

"Can we please get the dog?"

0:46:470:46:48

Boo.

0:46:480:46:50

TYRES SCREECH

0:46:500:46:52

CONRAD: Oh, no.

0:46:520:46:54

Oh, man.

0:46:540:46:55

Hello, Nevins, goodbye, Conrad.

0:46:550:46:58

Not so tough now, are you?

0:46:580:47:00

HE LAUGHS

0:47:000:47:01

HE CACKLES

0:47:020:47:04

We're dead.

0:47:110:47:12

We're never going to get that crate shut,

0:47:120:47:14

and I'm getting shipped off

0:47:140:47:15

to Colonel von Kronk's school for wayward boys!

0:47:150:47:17

Why don't we take my car?

0:47:170:47:19

You have a car?

0:47:190:47:21

Yeah, sure.

0:47:210:47:22

CAR LOCK BEEPS

0:47:220:47:24

ENGINE REVS

0:47:240:47:25

Wow, that is so cool.

0:47:280:47:30

That's just the dust cover.

0:47:300:47:32

Here she is. The Super Luxurious

0:47:340:47:36

Omni-directional Whatchamajigger.

0:47:360:47:38

Or S-L-O-W for short.

0:47:380:47:41

S-L-O-W?

0:47:410:47:43

Yeah, SLOW.

0:47:430:47:44

It's better than the last name we had -

0:47:440:47:46

Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.

0:47:460:47:49

Oh, you mean...

0:47:490:47:50

Oh! Quick! To the SLOW!

0:47:500:47:52

CAT LAUGHS

0:47:520:47:53

Buckle up, kids.

0:47:560:47:57

We're on a mission to get that dog

0:47:570:47:59

and we will not rest until we find it and destroy it.

0:47:590:48:02

- RESCUE it! - Rescue it.

0:48:020:48:03

Of course, I meant "rescue it".

0:48:030:48:04

Whatever.

0:48:040:48:05

Remember, kids, there's nothing faster than SLOW.

0:48:050:48:07

That's backwards. It makes no sense.

0:48:070:48:09

Look at you. Argh!

0:48:090:48:11

OK, here we go.

0:48:110:48:12

GPS. Check.

0:48:120:48:13

DVD, CD. Check.

0:48:130:48:15

Someone from Czechoslovakia is a...Czech.

0:48:150:48:17

HE CHORTLES Siren.

0:48:170:48:20

What? Siren? Siren?!

0:48:200:48:23

Let's go!

0:48:230:48:26

FISH WAILS

0:48:260:48:28

Hi there. How are you? Yeah!

0:48:290:48:31

THEY YELL

0:48:340:48:37

# I'm sending Conrad away! #

0:48:390:48:44

Oh! Oh!

0:48:440:48:47

HE SNIFFS Oh!

0:48:470:48:50

I can't believe you whizzed on my taco!

0:48:500:48:53

NEVINS BARKS

0:48:530:48:55

Wait till Joan gets a load of you!

0:48:550:48:58

HE LAUGHS

0:48:580:49:01

There they are!

0:49:010:49:02

FISH: Red light! Red light!

0:49:020:49:04

Red light! HORNS BLARE

0:49:040:49:06

Someone else should drive.

0:49:100:49:12

All right, you win.

0:49:120:49:14

Concrete, you drive.

0:49:140:49:15

Are you serious?

0:49:150:49:16

I don't know.

0:49:160:49:17

A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea,"

0:49:170:49:21

but I can barely hear that little voice

0:49:210:49:23

because an even louder little voice is screaming,

0:49:230:49:25

"Let the 12-year-old drive!"

0:49:250:49:27

CAT LAUGHS Now punch it!

0:49:270:49:29

This is awesome!

0:49:320:49:34

CAT GULPS

0:49:340:49:36

I want to drive.

0:49:400:49:41

I think that's a great idea.

0:49:410:49:43

Wait, two people

0:49:460:49:47

can't drive at the same time.

0:49:470:49:48

You're right.

0:49:480:49:50

We should all drive.

0:49:500:49:51

THEY SCREAM

0:49:530:49:56

CONRAD: Cat!

0:49:560:49:58

Where are the brakes?

0:49:580:49:59

I'll get them!

0:49:590:50:00

I think there's something wrong with your brakes.

0:50:010:50:04

When's the last time you had them checked?

0:50:040:50:07

CAT LAUGHS

0:50:070:50:08

Bad brake.

0:50:080:50:10

KIDS YELL

0:50:100:50:13

FISH: One-way street!

0:50:160:50:18

One-way street! One-way street!

0:50:180:50:20

Hey, Rhode Island licence plate!

0:50:250:50:27

You never see those.

0:50:270:50:28

HORN BLARES

0:50:280:50:30

CAT HUMS

0:50:330:50:36

CRASH!

0:50:370:50:39

Airbag. Standard.

0:50:420:50:45

I think...I wet...my jar.

0:50:470:50:50

Can we do that again?

0:50:500:50:52

LOCKS BEEP

0:50:540:50:56

Hey, there he is!

0:50:590:51:01

HE CACKLES

0:51:010:51:03

CONRAD: Oh, no, he's going

0:51:040:51:05

into Mom's office!

0:51:050:51:06

Come on, Cat!

0:51:060:51:09

Go, Conrad.

0:51:090:51:10

You know, Nevins,

0:51:100:51:12

when Joan finds out you've escaped again,

0:51:120:51:14

Conrad will be moving out and I'll be moving in.

0:51:140:51:16

HE LAUGHS

0:51:160:51:18

CONRAD: We've got to get Nevins and that lock back.

0:51:200:51:22

SALLY: What are we going to do? CAT: Don't worry.

0:51:220:51:24

I have three plans.

0:51:240:51:26

"Plan A - mess up a perfectly clean house."

0:51:260:51:29

Done that.

0:51:290:51:30

"Plan B - cut your losses and ditch the kids."

0:51:300:51:33

That could work.

0:51:330:51:35

What about that one?

0:51:350:51:36

"Trick Mom's boyfriend into handing over dog and lock."

0:51:360:51:41

I don't know, I still like Plan B.

0:51:410:51:44

BOTH: Cat!

0:51:440:51:45

OK, OK, Plan C.

0:51:450:51:47

Look at you! Argh!

0:51:470:51:48

NEVINS WHIMPERS

0:51:500:51:52

Excuse me, sir.

0:51:520:51:53

I'd like you to sign my petition, yeah.

0:51:530:51:56

Get out of my way, you hippie freak.

0:51:560:51:59

Are you aware of the senseless wholesale slaughter

0:51:590:52:01

of the flatulating acid-spitting zumzizeroo?

0:52:010:52:05

What will it take to get you out of my face?

0:52:050:52:07

Just sign my petition with this large,

0:52:070:52:09

oversized pen that requires two hands.

0:52:090:52:12

I see. Will you hold my dog?

0:52:120:52:16

BOTH: Yes.

0:52:160:52:18

OK, I have a problem with the word "dog".

0:52:180:52:21

I don't use the D-word, per se,

0:52:210:52:23

cos I think it's really, really wrong.

0:52:230:52:24

But I will happily hold your canine-American, yeah.

0:52:260:52:29

I'm more comfortable with that, really.

0:52:290:52:31

THEY LAUGH

0:52:310:52:32

# How much is that canine-American in the window? #

0:52:320:52:36

BOTH: Cat! Come on!

0:52:360:52:39

- Hey, what the...? - Go! Go!

0:52:410:52:43

Come back here!

0:52:430:52:44

I'm onto you kids!

0:52:440:52:46

Nothing to see here. Keep moving! Go!

0:52:460:52:48

Come on.

0:52:490:52:51

Get in! Get in.

0:52:510:52:52

Come on. Hide. DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

0:52:520:52:54

Get in! Get in!

0:52:540:52:56

CAT: Look out down below!

0:52:570:52:59

Whoa...sorry.

0:52:590:53:00

Over there.

0:53:000:53:02

Hey! Hey.

0:53:040:53:07

TYRES SCREECH

0:53:070:53:08

Ooh...

0:53:080:53:10

QUINN: I got you!

0:53:150:53:16

Here he comes.

0:53:180:53:20

BOTH: Cat!

0:53:200:53:21

Whoa!

0:53:210:53:23

CLUBBER SCREAMS

0:53:230:53:25

Where's my hat?

0:53:250:53:26

Whoa! Go, go!

0:53:260:53:28

Ah!

0:53:280:53:28

Go! Go!

0:53:280:53:30

Come on, Cat.

0:53:300:53:32

I'm walking here. TYRES SCREECH

0:53:320:53:34

HE WHIMPERS

0:53:380:53:40

SOBBING: Joan! Joan!

0:53:400:53:44

I think we lost him. Not the pocket!

0:53:460:53:48

We got the lock back. Now let's get home.

0:53:480:53:51

Relax, kid. I'm all over it.

0:53:510:53:52

CAT LAUGHS

0:53:520:53:54

Hey.

0:53:540:53:55

What's wrong?

0:53:550:53:57

This is not my hat.

0:53:570:53:58

I must have picked up the wrong hat back there.

0:53:580:54:01

So? So...without my hat,

0:54:010:54:04

I'm just your garden variety six-foot-tall talking cat.

0:54:040:54:06

Joan, your children are running around town

0:54:060:54:08

like complete maniacs!

0:54:080:54:10

Yes, they are, with some

0:54:100:54:12

weird, hairy man

0:54:120:54:14

- in a big hat. - Uh-huh.

0:54:140:54:16

Joan, you'll believe everything

0:54:160:54:18

once we get to your house, OK?

0:54:180:54:19

Come on, come on.

0:54:190:54:20

We're doomed! We're dead.

0:54:200:54:23

This is all my fault.

0:54:230:54:24

I'm such an idiot.

0:54:240:54:26

Why do I always have to do

0:54:260:54:27

the opposite of what I'm supposed to?

0:54:270:54:29

Wait a second, that's it!

0:54:290:54:31

The opposite!

0:54:310:54:32

Hey, Things, don't help us!

0:54:320:54:35

Do not show up and help us get home right now.

0:54:350:54:38

Mekka dekka, hop in!

0:54:380:54:39

We're going on a road trip!

0:54:390:54:41

Larry's car?

0:54:410:54:42

How'd you get so smart?

0:54:420:54:46

NARRATOR: 'So the race was on

0:54:460:54:48

'To get back home first.'

0:54:480:54:50

CONRAD: Hang on.

0:54:500:54:51

We got to beat Mom and Quinn home.

0:54:510:54:53

NARRATOR: 'But back at their home

0:54:530:54:55

'Things were just getting worse.'

0:54:550:54:57

GURGLING

0:54:590:55:02

There's Mom and Larry!

0:55:130:55:14

QUINN: Step on it, Joan. Go.

0:55:140:55:16

Go, go, go!

0:55:160:55:17

Hey, Things,

0:55:170:55:19

do not do anything to slow down my mom.

0:55:190:55:22

Mekka dekka, slow down Mom!

0:55:220:55:24

QUINN: Look, Joan,

0:55:300:55:31

they don't beat them every day.

0:55:310:55:33

SIREN WAILS Oh, great(!)

0:55:330:55:36

I'm sorry, officer. Was I speeding?

0:55:410:55:43

Mekka dekka licence, appa registration.

0:55:430:55:47

Mekka dekka... you're one hot mama.

0:55:480:55:51

Hey, that's my car! Joan, we better go,

0:55:510:55:53

right away! Please,

0:55:530:55:54

let me handle this.

0:55:540:55:55

Sorry, I guess I was in a hurry to get home.

0:55:550:55:58

I'm not going to let them get away with this.

0:55:580:56:00

Mekka dekka Heimlich!

0:56:000:56:02

Mekka dekka Heimlich! THING CHOKES

0:56:020:56:03

SIREN WAILS

0:56:030:56:06

QUINN: Meet me at the house!

0:56:070:56:08

Not so fast, you little maggots!

0:56:190:56:21

Oh, you are so busted.

0:56:230:56:24

Now get inside.

0:56:240:56:25

Trust me,

0:56:250:56:26

don't go in there, it's going to be a total...

0:56:260:56:28

Aargh!

0:56:280:56:30

..wreck?! Sally, what happened?

0:56:300:56:32

What about the mother of all messes?

0:56:320:56:34

I don't know.

0:56:340:56:35

HE SNEEZES

0:56:350:56:37

Why am I sneezing?

0:56:370:56:38

That'd be me.

0:56:430:56:45

Boo! CAT LAUGHS

0:56:450:56:46

You're a giant... HE SNEEZES

0:56:460:56:48

..cat!

0:56:500:56:50

Judas Priest! SPLASH!

0:56:540:56:58

Ooh. Mamma mia!

0:56:580:57:00

What happened to our house?

0:57:040:57:06

It's the mother of all messes.

0:57:060:57:08

Yep! Pure, unadulterated fun

0:57:080:57:11

without any good sense or judgment.

0:57:110:57:13

See, corndog, this is why

0:57:130:57:14

I warned you

0:57:140:57:15

not to open the crate.

0:57:150:57:17

Although,

0:57:170:57:18

on the plus side, I think people will be

0:57:180:57:20

talking about tonight's party for the rest of their lives.

0:57:200:57:23

CAT LAUGHS, NEVINS WHIMPERS

0:57:230:57:25

We got to shut the crate! Come on!

0:57:270:57:28

OK.

0:57:290:57:30

Let's take the front-hall carpet.

0:57:310:57:33

CAT LAUGHS

0:57:330:57:34

SALLY: This can't be the front hall.

0:57:340:57:36

CAT: This is what happens

0:57:360:57:38

when you mix your world and my world.

0:57:380:57:39

Oh, and when you eat bad shellfish.

0:57:390:57:41

Come on, let's go.

0:57:410:57:43

Oh, yeah!

0:57:430:57:44

CONRAD: Cat, how do we find the crate?

0:57:440:57:46

Beats me. This hat is worthless.

0:57:460:57:48

And it makes me look fat.

0:57:480:57:50

SALLY: Where's Mrs Kwan?

0:57:500:57:51

Oh! Here she comes!

0:57:510:57:54

Right on schedule.

0:57:540:57:56

Oh, yeah!

0:57:570:57:59

We're going to ride Mrs Kwan?!

0:57:590:58:01

CAT: Sure, it's the only way to the crate.

0:58:010:58:03

Hop on!

0:58:030:58:05

Oh, this is going to be good.

0:58:050:58:06

Please keep your hands and feet

0:58:080:58:10

in the Kwan at all times.

0:58:100:58:12

Enjoy the ride!

0:58:120:58:14

CAT: Ladies and gentlemen, the dining room.

0:58:160:58:19

Oh...

0:58:190:58:20

SALLY: This is the dining room?

0:58:200:58:21

Hey, look!

0:58:210:58:23

A chandelier.

0:58:230:58:24

CAT LAUGHS

0:58:240:58:26

CONRAD: Is that the bathroom?

0:58:310:58:33

You might want to hold it for a while.

0:58:340:58:36

Something like that really burns my...

0:58:380:58:40

THEY SCREAM

0:58:400:58:42

This is amazing!

0:58:440:58:45

It's like a ride in an amusement park!

0:58:450:58:48

You mean like at...

0:58:480:58:50

Universal Studios?

0:58:500:58:52

Cha-ching!

0:58:530:58:54

Whoa!

0:58:540:58:55

THEY YELL

0:58:550:58:59

CAT OVER LOUDSPEAKER: Please exit the Kwan

0:59:030:59:05

to your left.

0:59:050:59:06

Have a nice day.

0:59:060:59:08

JOAN: This is ridiculous. I have to get home.

0:59:080:59:10

THING CHOKES Police brutality!

0:59:100:59:12

Illegal choke hold!

0:59:120:59:14

Where are we?

0:59:160:59:17

The living room, I think.

0:59:170:59:18

Oh, man, my eyes are closed!

0:59:180:59:20

If there's no line,

0:59:200:59:21

can we go back and do that again?

0:59:210:59:23

There's the crate!

0:59:230:59:24

Harumph!

0:59:240:59:26

If we shut the crate,

0:59:310:59:32

the house will go back to normal.

0:59:320:59:34

Do you have the lock?

0:59:340:59:35

Got it!

0:59:360:59:37

Come on, let's go!

0:59:370:59:38

CONRAD: Sally!

0:59:400:59:43

THEY STRAIN

0:59:430:59:44

Come on!

0:59:440:59:46

It won't shut!

0:59:460:59:47

Sally!

0:59:470:59:49

Everything is disappearing up there!

0:59:490:59:51

SALLY SCREAMS

0:59:510:59:52

CONRAD: Sally!

0:59:530:59:54

SALLY: Help!

0:59:540:59:55

Help me, Conrad!

0:59:570:59:59

Sally!

0:59:590:59:59

SALLY: Help me!

1:00:011:00:03

I can't hold on!

1:00:031:00:04

Help me, Conrad!

1:00:051:00:09

Sally, I can't reach the lock!

1:00:091:00:12

No!

1:00:121:00:13

I can't save you unless you let go!

1:00:131:00:16

OK.

1:00:161:00:18

Aaargh! Help me!

1:00:191:00:21

Yes!

1:00:221:00:24

Aaargh!

1:00:241:00:27

HE YELLS

1:00:501:00:53

PIPE GURGLES

1:00:541:00:56

QUINN GROANS

1:00:561:00:58

I did it! I did it!

1:00:581:01:00

I did it! I did it!

1:01:001:01:02

I did it!

1:01:021:01:03

I did it! I did it!

1:01:031:01:05

OK, WE did it.

1:01:081:01:11

I don't think we did anything.

1:01:121:01:14

The place is still a wreck.

1:01:141:01:16

Cat, you said if we shut the crate,

1:01:161:01:18

everything would be OK!

1:01:181:01:19

But it's not. It's a complete disaster!

1:01:191:01:22

Well, what are you gonna do?

1:01:221:01:24

Tennis, anyone?

1:01:241:01:25

CAT SNIFFS

1:01:321:01:33

Ooh.

1:01:331:01:34

HE PURRS

1:01:341:01:35

Love that new ball smell, yeah.

1:01:351:01:38

Hey.

1:01:381:01:39

Your hat - it's magic again!

1:01:391:01:41

Oops.

1:01:411:01:44

Well, now that the cat's out of the bag -

1:01:441:01:46

to use an archaic and cruel-sounding metaphor -

1:01:461:01:48

why don't you serve first?

1:01:481:01:50

You had your real hat this whole time?

1:01:501:01:52

Ah-yup.

1:01:521:01:53

I planned the whole day.

1:01:531:01:55

What do you mean, you planned the whole day?

1:01:551:01:57

All of it?

1:01:571:01:58

Ah-yup. The house getting trashed?

1:01:581:01:59

- Ah-yup. - Quinn taking Nevins?

1:01:591:02:01

- Ah-yup. - Cutting off your tail?

1:02:011:02:03

Ah-nope.

1:02:031:02:04

CONRAD: You even knew

1:02:051:02:07

I'd open the crate?

1:02:071:02:08

Why do you think I made it my one rule?

1:02:081:02:10

I knew you couldn't resist.

1:02:101:02:12

Now, who's up for a game of Canadian doubles?

1:02:121:02:15

GLASS SHATTERS

1:02:151:02:17

Cat, you said

1:02:171:02:19

nothing bad would happen.

1:02:191:02:20

Cat,

1:02:201:02:21

you need to get out.

1:02:211:02:23

I don't know that game.

1:02:231:02:24

It's not a game.

1:02:241:02:25

None of this is a game!

1:02:251:02:27

But I thought you two wanted to have fun today.

1:02:291:02:31

Look around, Cat.

1:02:311:02:33

You were right.

1:02:331:02:34

It's fun to have fun, but you have to know how.

1:02:341:02:36

And you don't know when enough is enough.

1:02:361:02:38

Now go!

1:02:381:02:39

Suzy...

1:02:401:02:42

Cromwell...

1:02:421:02:45

please.

1:02:451:02:46

BOTH: Out!

1:02:461:02:47

BOTH: Out!

1:02:551:02:56

Good riddance!

1:03:111:03:13

Now, this may not be the time for "I told you so," but...

1:03:131:03:16

Like I said, not the time.

1:03:221:03:24

I'll get the mop and bucket.

1:03:241:03:26

Conrad, you might want to get out of here

1:03:261:03:29

until Mom has a chance to calm down.

1:03:291:03:31

No, this was my fault.

1:03:311:03:34

I'll take the blame.

1:03:341:03:35

Look, Mom will be home any second.

1:03:351:03:37

Why don't you go upstairs?

1:03:371:03:39

I'm not going upstairs.

1:03:391:03:40

I'm staying with you.

1:03:401:03:41

Really? Why?

1:03:411:03:43

Two reasons.

1:03:431:03:45

One, the stairs are destroyed.

1:03:451:03:47

Two, this is just as much my fault as yours.

1:03:471:03:51

We should share the blame.

1:03:511:03:53

Thanks, Sally.

1:03:551:03:57

By the way,

1:03:571:03:58

you're a pretty good brother.

1:03:581:04:01

Glad you think that.

1:04:011:04:02

Maybe we can room together at military school.

1:04:021:04:05

DOOR OPENS

1:04:061:04:07

CONRAD: Well...

1:04:071:04:09

here goes.

1:04:091:04:11

# Betcha thought I'd gone

1:04:191:04:21

# Betcha felt a sting

1:04:211:04:23

# Betcha never thought I'd have another song to sing

1:04:231:04:25

# But now that you've learned your lesson

1:04:251:04:26

# Allow me to blow your mind

1:04:261:04:28

# By reading to you the small print

1:04:281:04:29

# Of the contract that you signed. #

1:04:291:04:31

OK, section 8, article 93, sub-paragraph 834,

1:04:311:04:34

right by the jelly stain.

1:04:341:04:36

It reads, "If Conrad, AKA Concrete,

1:04:361:04:39

"should open the crate - and we know he will -

1:04:391:04:41

"the contract shall be null and void."

1:04:411:04:43

"However...

1:04:441:04:46

"if Sally and Conrad should learn from their mistakes,

1:04:461:04:48

"the contract shall be reinstated."

1:04:481:04:50

And I think you two

1:04:501:04:51

have satisfied the legal burden of learning.

1:04:511:04:53

BOTH: Yeah! CAT: So there's just

1:04:531:04:55

one last game to play.

1:04:551:04:56

It's called "clean up the house".

1:04:561:04:57

Kids, meet the Dynamic Industrial Renovating Tractormajigger.

1:04:571:05:02

BOTH: D-I-R-T?

1:05:021:05:03

That's right!

1:05:031:05:05

Whoa!

1:05:071:05:09

# It's getting better all the time

1:05:091:05:11

# I used to get mad at my school

1:05:111:05:14

# The teachers who taught me weren't cool

1:05:151:05:19

# You're holding me down

1:05:191:05:21

# Turning me round

1:05:211:05:22

# Filling me up with your rules

1:05:221:05:26

# Got to admit it's getting better

1:05:261:05:30

# Better all the time

1:05:301:05:32

# Can't get no worse

1:05:321:05:34

# I have to admit it's getting better

1:05:341:05:37

# Better Since you've been mine

1:05:371:05:40

# Me? Used to be an angry young man

1:05:441:05:47

# Be hiding my head in the sand

1:05:471:05:50

# You gave me the word I finally heard

1:05:501:05:54

# I'm doing the best that I can, yeah

1:05:541:05:58

# I've got to admit it's getting better

1:05:581:06:00

# I'm getting better all the time

1:06:001:06:03

# Can't get no worse

1:06:031:06:05

# Got to admit it's getting better

1:06:051:06:07

# It's getting better since you've been mine... #

1:06:071:06:11

Oh, yeah!

1:06:111:06:13

These drapes are so out, they're in.

1:06:131:06:15

# Getting better all the time Better... #

1:06:151:06:19

Spin! Spin!

1:06:191:06:20

| Better |

1:06:201:06:22

# It's getting better all the time

1:06:221:06:25

# Better, better, better... #

1:06:251:06:28

HE CHORTLES

1:06:411:06:43

# I've got to admit it's getting better

1:06:471:06:50

# A little better all the time

1:06:501:06:54

# Yeah, I got to admit it's getting better

1:06:541:06:57

# It's getting better since you've been mine

1:06:571:07:01

# Getting so much better all the time. #

1:07:011:07:05

OK. We had some good times.

1:07:091:07:12

We cleaned up the house.

1:07:121:07:13

We even managed to work in

1:07:131:07:14

an uptempo pop tune for the soundtrack.

1:07:141:07:16

That's important.

1:07:161:07:17

I guess there's just one last thing to check.

1:07:181:07:21

Uh-huh.

1:07:221:07:24

Looks like everything's in balance.

1:07:341:07:36

But you're still smoking way too many cigars.

1:07:361:07:38

And you...lay off the sauce.

1:07:381:07:41

POP!

1:07:421:07:44

Cat, this day has been...amazing.

1:07:441:07:49

Thank you, Cat.

1:07:491:07:51

For everything.

1:07:541:07:55

Conrad...

1:07:581:07:59

Sally...

1:08:011:08:03

Adieu.

1:08:051:08:06

SALLY: Cat!

1:08:091:08:10

CONRAD: Cat! - Huh?

1:08:101:08:12

Wait, Cat. Don't go!

1:08:121:08:14

Oh-oh! KIDS GASP

1:08:151:08:17

CAT CHORTLES

1:08:181:08:20

JOAN: All right, kids, this place better not be a mess.

1:08:201:08:23

I'm...home?

1:08:231:08:26

BOTH: Hi, Mom.

1:08:261:08:27

SNORTS Miss Walden! Home so soon?

1:08:271:08:30

The children were angels.

1:08:301:08:32

Thanks, Mrs Kwan. Hello, Joan.

1:08:321:08:34

Ah!

1:08:341:08:35

Lawrence, what happened to you?

1:08:351:08:37

They...happened to me.

1:08:391:08:42

Your...demonic...children.

1:08:421:08:46

They destroyed your house!

1:08:471:08:49

The house was alive.

1:08:511:08:53

The wall was made of paper!

1:08:531:08:55

I fell off the cliff!

1:08:551:08:56

And the giant cat!

1:08:561:08:59

The giant cat....

1:09:001:09:03

Tell her!

1:09:031:09:05

(Larry, Larry...)

1:09:051:09:07

You look terrible.

1:09:071:09:10

And my mom thinks you're insane.

1:09:101:09:12

This is what we in sales

1:09:121:09:13

call a win-win scenario.

1:09:131:09:15

Joan, you are passing up the opportunity of a lifetime.

1:09:181:09:21

You know what kind of kid your boy is.

1:09:211:09:24

I mean, who are you going to believe?

1:09:241:09:28

You're right.

1:09:281:09:30

I do know what kind of kid Conrad is.

1:09:301:09:32

He can be irresponsible...

1:09:321:09:33

Yes.

1:09:331:09:34

- He makes bad choices. - Yes.

1:09:341:09:36

And sometimes he makes me want to tear my hair out.

1:09:361:09:37

Yes, yes, yes!

1:09:371:09:39

But he's a good kid,

1:09:391:09:42

and I believe in him.

1:09:421:09:43

Now, I'd like you to leave.

1:09:431:09:45

Wha...? Joan...

1:09:451:09:47

Joan.

1:09:471:09:48

Joan...

1:09:481:09:50

Oh, Joan! Joan! Joan!

1:09:521:09:55

HE SOBS

1:09:551:09:57

HE SNEEZES

1:09:581:09:59

Will you marry me, Joan?

1:10:041:10:06

Joan, Joan... Joan, Joan...

1:10:081:10:10

QUINN SOBS LOUDLY

1:10:101:10:13

Yes! BOTH: Yes! Yes!

1:10:131:10:17

That was nice... SHE SNORES

1:10:191:10:23

Mr Humberfloob?

1:10:271:10:28

Whoa! Almost got me again.

1:10:281:10:31

Enjoy the party.

1:10:311:10:32

WOMAN: I told him not to touch you. Mr Humberfloob.

1:10:321:10:35

Joan, the party's a hit and the house is immaculate.

1:10:351:10:38

Congratulations.

1:10:381:10:39

WOMAN: Miss Walden, Miss Walden.

1:10:391:10:42

FISH BEATBOXES

1:10:421:10:44

Hi, Mom.

1:10:441:10:45

Honey, your cupcakes are a huge hit.

1:10:451:10:47

What did you put in them?

1:10:471:10:49

Mom, you can make cupcakes out of anything.

1:10:491:10:51

CONRAD: Are you telling me

1:10:511:10:53

you can make cupcakes

1:10:531:10:54

out of anything?

1:10:541:10:55

Anything.

1:10:551:10:56

Anything?

1:10:561:10:58

So, what did you kids do today, huh?

1:10:581:11:01

NARRATOR: 'Well, what would you do

1:11:011:11:02

'if your mother asked you?

1:11:021:11:04

'The family was whole

1:11:041:11:06

'All thanks to the Cat

1:11:061:11:08

'Who was dashing and charming

1:11:081:11:09

'No doubt about that

1:11:091:11:11

'He was witty and cultured

1:11:111:11:12

'And, well, very endearing

1:11:121:11:15

'And tremendously attractive!'

1:11:151:11:17

AS NARRATOR: But in a sort of real way.

1:11:171:11:19

You know, a kind of approachable way

1:11:191:11:21

that I think you don't see these days...

1:11:211:11:22

RECORD NEEDLE SCRATCHES

1:11:221:11:23

CAT'S VOICE: Oh! Hello!

1:11:231:11:25

I was just, er... I really should be going.

1:11:251:11:28

How'd they get so smart?

1:11:281:11:32

HE LAUGHS

1:11:321:11:35

ALL: Oh, yeah!

1:11:361:11:38

CAT LAUGHS

1:11:411:11:44

Come on, Things, let's go.

1:11:511:11:53

What's on my schedule for tomorrow?

1:11:531:11:55

What do you say we go on vacation?

1:11:571:11:59

How about Hawaii? I like Hawaii.

1:11:591:12:02

I should warn you, there are certain places

1:12:031:12:05

that don't allow certain Things.

1:12:051:12:07

Oh, Things are complicated.

1:12:091:12:11

# Things are gettin' weird

1:12:321:12:33

# Things are gettin' tough

1:12:331:12:35

# Nothing's making sense

1:12:351:12:37

# But you keep on lookin' up

1:12:371:12:38

# They tell you to be true

1:12:381:12:40

# You're tryin' every day

1:12:401:12:42

# To keep it on the real

1:12:421:12:43

# Still you gotta find a way

1:12:431:12:45

# To make your mama happy

1:12:451:12:47

# To make your papa proud

1:12:471:12:49

# You wanna turn it up

1:12:491:12:50

# But all you hear is, "Tone it down"

1:12:501:12:52

# So gather round, I'm here to say

1:12:521:12:55

# You'll never make everybody's day

1:12:551:12:59

# But while you're around, you might as well

1:12:591:13:01

# Catch the tiger by its tail

1:13:011:13:04

# And hang on, hang on, hang on

1:13:041:13:06

# Everybody just

1:13:061:13:08

# Get on, get on, get on... #

1:13:081:13:10

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