Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa


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Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

Comedy. Local radio DJ and former talkshow presenter Alan Partridge ends up in a siege when a disgruntled colleague decides to take the staff hostage.


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This film contains strong language.

0:00:090:00:17

WAVES LAP

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MUSIC: Koyaanisqatsi by Philip Glass

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CHANTING

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GULLS CRY

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# Koyaanisqatsi

0:01:170:01:19

# Koyaanisqatsi... #

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ALAN IMPROVISES

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ALAN HUMS

0:01:330:01:34

That music was very foreboding. It's made a shiver go down my spine.

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-That'll be the air-conditioning.

-I would've taken it off sooner

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but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father

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of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child.

0:01:470:01:49

Just passed his details on to the Social Services.

0:01:490:01:51

The time is 11:59 and 55 seconds.

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-It's midday.

-Well, no... Well, yeah, it is now.

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You're listening to Mid-Morning Matters.

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-JINGLE

-Mid-Morning Matters with Alan Partridge.

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Music and chat for the Norfolk generation.

0:02:040:02:07

KEYBOARD FLOURISH

0:02:070:02:08

Sorry, it's the other way.

0:02:080:02:10

Later, we'll be taking dedications

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for anyone wrongly turned down for planning permission.

0:02:120:02:14

Also, I'll be asking - which is the worst monger?

0:02:140:02:17

Fish, iron, rumour or war? Pretty clear, that one.

0:02:170:02:20

Now it's time for today's large question.

0:02:200:02:22

ECHOING CHANT: Large question.

0:02:220:02:25

It's the near future.

0:02:250:02:27

An unprovoked chemical attack from France, or possibly China,

0:02:270:02:31

has left us without a sense of smell.

0:02:310:02:33

In a whiff-free world, what smell would you miss the most?

0:02:330:02:36

-Tom in Diss?

-Petrol.

0:02:360:02:38

Nice. Wrongly referred to by the Americans as "gas".

0:02:380:02:41

It's petrol, not gas.

0:02:410:02:43

-Dominic in Castle Acre?

-Money.

0:02:430:02:44

-HE SNIFFS

-Yep. Joe in Holt?

0:02:440:02:46

-My wife's nightie.

-You kinky get.

0:02:460:02:48

-Saucy sod.

-She died, you see.

0:02:480:02:50

-Smells matter.

-They do.

0:02:520:02:53

Hey, Greg.

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This is a great station, a real cracker.

0:02:570:03:01

Yeah. Hi, Pat. Um...this is Jason Tresswell.

0:03:010:03:04

-Managing Director of...

-Goredale Media.

0:03:040:03:06

Our new owners, huh? I googled you on Yahoo.

0:03:060:03:10

That's Pat Farrell. Does week nights, 10-12.

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Sleepy-time slot.

0:03:130:03:15

-So, are you on your way out?

-You tell me.

0:03:150:03:18

-ALAN:

-Gillian writes to ask -

0:03:180:03:19

is it true you're being taken over by a bunch of corporate whores?

0:03:190:03:23

Er...Gillian, I'm 99% certain that's not true.

0:03:230:03:28

We've got a text here from Joy in Diss who says -

0:03:280:03:31

An easy way to solve the problems in Israel...

0:03:310:03:33

-A thorny issue.

-..would be for Judaism and Islam to merge.

0:03:330:03:36

Wouldn't hold your breath.

0:03:360:03:38

-They both hate pigs.

-True enough.

0:03:380:03:39

You could call it Jislam.

0:03:390:03:42

I think you can go in circles, can't you, trying to think of names for something?

0:03:420:03:46

Even, er...a cat.

0:03:460:03:48

Well, nettles cause 'em, dock leaves cure 'em.

0:03:480:03:50

It's a sting. It's Sting.

0:03:500:03:52

MUSIC: Roxanne by The Police

0:03:520:03:54

-Sorry.

-Never, never criticise Muslims.

0:03:540:03:57

Only, only Christians. And Jews a little bit.

0:03:570:04:01

Alan, it's started. They're here.

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We're being taken over.

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So?

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# Roxanne

0:04:140:04:17

# You don't have to put on the red light

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# Those days are over

0:04:220:04:24

# You don't have to sell your body to the night... #

0:04:240:04:27

ALAN SINGING

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Hello?

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Are you in the business centre?

0:04:350:04:37

# Coconut, everybody

0:04:370:04:39

# Like de coconut

0:04:390:04:42

# Coconut, coconut... #

0:04:420:04:44

SHE LAUGHS

0:04:440:04:46

# Coconut, coconut... #

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Oh, hello, Lynn. Just reading about how ospreys died out in Britain

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and had to be reintroduced from Scandinavia in the early '90s.

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Now I think there are almost 500 of them.

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HE TYPES

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Yeah. 480.

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It shows we should treasure and value our wildlife.

0:05:040:05:07

So, what you got, girl?

0:05:080:05:10

Well, the butchers want you to do another voiceover.

0:05:100:05:13

"Bannan's the Butcher's.

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"Yesterday's meat at today's prices."

0:05:140:05:18

You've had the mayor of Hickling get in touch.

0:05:180:05:20

He listens to your show and wants to offer you the freedom of the village.

0:05:200:05:23

-It doesn't even have a post office.

-They give you a big key.

0:05:230:05:26

-How big?

-That big.

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Tell him I accept.

0:05:280:05:30

MESSAGE ALERT

0:05:300:05:31

Everything seems to be tugging along nicely.

0:05:310:05:34

Everything OK, Alan?

0:05:340:05:35

Michael's just sent a text saying he hasn't bought toilet paper in 18 months.

0:05:350:05:39

-How does he...?

-He steals it from a pub.

0:05:390:05:42

-Oh.

-That's a relief.

0:05:420:05:43

Shared a bag of salty popcorn with him last week.

0:05:430:05:45

# Roll out the barrel... # Hi, I'm Pat Farrell.

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Join me tonight at ten, for a hearty casserole of tunes, cheer and chinwag.

0:05:490:05:53

Local folk trio Will-o'-the-wisp will be playing live in the studio,

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and I'll be taking your calls on my ever popular fireside phone-in.

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Don't miss it.

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OK, for those who haven't slipped into a coma,

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you are listening to the Breakfast Show with Danny Sinclair and these muppets.

0:06:070:06:11

WHOOPING

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-How we feeling this morning, guys?

-Better than you, by the look of things.

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-I had it large. I got on it.

-Take it easy tonight, then.

0:06:160:06:19

I would but we've got the launch tonight.

0:06:190:06:21

North Norfolk Digital are changing their name to...

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Shape - The Way You Want It To Be.

0:06:230:06:26

ELECTRONIC JINGLE: # Shape the way you want it to be

0:06:260:06:29

Coming up next, Alan Partridge. God bless him, how old is he?

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-60 or something.

-Got to be, hasn't he?

0:06:330:06:35

55.

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Alan, we love you, mate. We love you really.

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This one's for you, if you're listening.

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It's Roachford.

0:06:410:06:43

MUSIC: Cuddly Toy by Roachford

0:06:450:06:47

MIMING: # Well, I don't pour out my heart like this to everyone

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# Not anyone that I meet

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# And I know it ain't the wine, cos I feel just fine

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# Can't you see, baby?

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# I'm still on my feet

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# Oh, but a cuddly toy

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# That's my only joy waiting for me when I get home, yeah

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# And what I need is a girl like you

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# All I need, yeah, to call my very own

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# So you gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby

0:07:240:07:27

# Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby

0:07:270:07:31

# Girl, you gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby

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# Oh, gimme some love

0:07:340:07:37

# Come on, now... #

0:07:370:07:39

Your fog lamps are on.

0:07:430:07:45

Your fog lamps are on. There's no fog.

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There's no fog.

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No fog.

0:07:520:07:53

# Oh, a cuddly toy

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# That's my only joy

0:07:550:07:57

# Waiting for me when I get home

0:07:570:07:59

# Nana

0:07:590:08:01

# And what I need

0:08:010:08:03

# Is a girl like you

0:08:030:08:05

# Just to call, call my very own

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# So, you gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby

0:08:080:08:11

# Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby

0:08:110:08:15

# You gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby

0:08:150:08:18

# Oh, gimme some love... #

0:08:180:08:21

-ALARM BEEPS

-Love that noise.

0:08:210:08:23

Michael, do it outside.

0:08:230:08:25

-Morning, Michael.

-Morning, Mr Partridge.

0:08:260:08:29

-Paper.

-I was doing a fist bump.

0:08:310:08:33

-You would say that now you've lost.

-It's instead of a handshake.

0:08:330:08:37

Some people say it's more hygienic than a handshake.

0:08:370:08:39

But who's to say you can't get shit on your fist?

0:08:390:08:42

-Did you hear him making fun of you?

-I did, but as Oscar Wilde said,

0:08:420:08:46

"There's only one thing worse than being talked about."

0:08:460:08:48

-Cancer.

-No. "Not being talked about."

0:08:480:08:50

Oscar Wilde said that's worse than cancer?

0:08:500:08:52

Yeah. I think he was at a party.

0:08:520:08:55

Probably just being a gay show-off.

0:08:550:08:57

# Shape, Shape, Shape... #

0:08:570:08:59

Do you know what I really like? I like waking up in the morning, breathing in the air and er...

0:08:590:09:03

actually realising I've made it through the night and I haven't wet the bed.

0:09:030:09:06

No, I am joking, obviously, but er...

0:09:060:09:08

they were, of course, very, very dark days indeed.

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But they're all behind me now.

0:09:130:09:15

-Morning, Angela.

-Morning, Alan.

0:09:150:09:17

'Alan Partridge has just walked into the building.'

0:09:170:09:19

Walking and talking, like The West Wing.

0:09:190:09:21

-'Hope he hasn't hurt himself!'

-"Mr President, we have a code red."

0:09:210:09:24

-I've never seen the show.

-No, me neither.

0:09:240:09:28

Corner coming up.

0:09:280:09:30

You never know what's round the corner.

0:09:300:09:32

More corners, usually.

0:09:340:09:35

Imagine a world without corners.

0:09:380:09:40

No-one would be able to cut any. Everyone would be going round in circles.

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HE SIGHS

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Wow.

0:09:490:09:50

I enjoyed that.

0:09:520:09:54

'I will tell you one thing.

0:09:540:09:56

'When I was going through my bad times,'

0:09:560:09:58

I found Norfolk was perhaps maybe not the place to be and...

0:09:580:10:03

just-just because it's so flat and there was a sort of a...

0:10:030:10:06

a bleakness about the place, but obviously now...

0:10:060:10:09

You're a good broadcaster, Alan. Don't forget that.

0:10:090:10:12

-I wasn't planning to, Pat.

-You seen this memo?

0:10:120:10:14

"Exciting new phase. Here's to the future."

0:10:140:10:16

-My days are numbered.

-No-one's getting sacked.

0:10:160:10:19

It's like Bobby Brushes, the caretaker, when the swimming pool allegations came out.

0:10:190:10:22

-He was in bits.

-Yeah.

0:10:220:10:24

It turned out he was just helping those lads towel off. He was being nice.

0:10:240:10:27

-He didn't even know them.

-Yeah, but where is he now?

0:10:270:10:30

-He runs his own business.

-There. He's back on his feet.

0:10:300:10:33

Rents out bouncy castles.

0:10:330:10:35

For adults, yeah?

0:10:350:10:37

-Look at this memo.

-I've seen the memo. It's quite simple.

0:10:370:10:40

Goredale Media are simply reimagining our core brand values

0:10:400:10:43

and giving it a name more fitting to multi-platform content delivery.

0:10:430:10:47

-They're people people.

-People people sack people.

0:10:470:10:49

No, Pat. People sack people. People people please people.

0:10:490:10:52

-Can you have a word with them, Alan?

-Would you?

0:10:520:10:55

Er...sure. As soon as I can get them all in the same room together.

0:10:550:10:58

-They're all up in the boardroom now.

-That's great.

0:10:580:11:01

Thank you. Thank you, Alan. You're a pal.

0:11:010:11:03

Well, pals is pals.

0:11:030:11:05

If we're all looking at the last quarterly figures for North Norfolk on page 6.

0:11:070:11:11

Then if you turn to page 5.

0:11:110:11:13

KNOCKING

0:11:130:11:15

Hi, guys, don't want to be an agenda-bender, but any chance of a wawa?

0:11:150:11:19

-It's not a good time, Alan.

-It's fine, we've time. Come in.

0:11:190:11:23

Oh, we moved the other thing. Yeah, it's a good time.

0:11:230:11:26

Alan, Alan Partridge.

0:11:260:11:28

Jason Tresswell, MD of Goredale Media.

0:11:280:11:30

It's not "Alan Alan Partridge". It's "Alan, comma, Alan Partridge".

0:11:300:11:33

I know some people do have two names.

0:11:330:11:35

Zsa Zsa Gabor, for instance.

0:11:350:11:37

Duran Duran.

0:11:370:11:39

Yeah, that's not as good.

0:11:390:11:41

Um... Kris Kristofferson.

0:11:410:11:44

Excellent small talk. Gentlemen, to business.

0:11:440:11:47

I am here as one of the more senior D-jocks at this station.

0:11:470:11:50

I'm here to talk about jobs.

0:11:500:11:52

Like a Nazi officer this, isn't it?

0:11:540:11:56

Should er...snap my heels together.

0:11:560:11:58

-Achtung!

-Guten Tag.

0:11:580:11:59

Silence! Sorry. I meant to miss you.

0:11:590:12:01

I want you to do something for me.

0:12:010:12:04

I want you to take all your prejudices, put them in a box marked "prejudices",

0:12:040:12:09

put it to one side, wipe the prejudice juice off your hands...

0:12:090:12:12

Can I just stop you there? Change is healthy, you shouldn't fear it.

0:12:120:12:14

I'm not scared of anything. Not even an elephant,

0:12:140:12:17

which is interesting, because there's one in this room.

0:12:170:12:20

-Want to know his name?

-> Pat Farrell.

0:12:200:12:22

It's Pat Farrell. Pat's audience is old.

0:12:220:12:24

Old people, much like dogs, are blindly loyal.

0:12:240:12:27

And if Pat hightails it to Cedar FM and they follow,

0:12:270:12:30

you've got a grey exodus on your hands. A grexodus.

0:12:300:12:34

Hm. That prejudices box doesn't seem quite so cool any more, does it?

0:12:340:12:38

Yeah, but we bought Cedar FM as well.

0:12:380:12:41

I didn't know that. I did not know that.

0:12:410:12:43

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

0:12:450:12:46

-The point is...

-You were talking about Pat Farrell.

0:12:510:12:54

Pat Farrell is a great guy.

0:12:540:12:56

He's always the first to speak up at union meetings,

0:12:560:13:01

being a member of a union.

0:13:010:13:03

He's also Irish, which again, weirdly, a plus point, if you like swearing.

0:13:030:13:08

He's often on his show - "Feckin' dis" and "Feckin' dat".

0:13:080:13:11

Some Irish people say "Feck off" isn't as bad as "Fuck off",

0:13:110:13:13

but I think that's bullshit or bellshit.

0:13:130:13:15

-The bottom line is, he swears too much.

-This is all very interesting...

0:13:150:13:19

I can sum up Pat Farrell in ten words.

0:13:190:13:21

Pat isn't very good so let him go, guys, seriously.

0:13:210:13:25

I can condense that to three words.

0:13:250:13:27

Just sack Pat.

0:13:330:13:35

That completes my presentation.

0:13:350:13:37

Gentlemen, I'll leave you to your biscuits.

0:13:380:13:41

HE PANTS

0:13:410:13:43

Gloves.

0:13:470:13:49

(Oh, fuck.)

0:13:500:13:52

Glove.

0:13:520:13:54

# Shape

0:13:540:13:55

# The way you want it to be... #

0:13:550:13:58

Ahhh! That was soft rock cocaine enthusiasts, Fleetwood Mac.

0:13:580:14:03

And this was Mid-Morning Matters.

0:14:030:14:05

Where once again,

0:14:050:14:06

-mid-morning...

-Mattered.

-Mattered.

0:14:060:14:08

Supposed to do it in sync.

0:14:080:14:11

-Always leave a gap.

-Sorry.

0:14:110:14:13

Simple. Very simple.

0:14:130:14:15

You're listening to Shape - The Way You Want It To Be.

0:14:150:14:19

Mm-hm. Right. And will it take long?

0:14:230:14:26

It will take long. OK. Hi, Pat. I'll catch you later.

0:14:280:14:32

-I'm not happy about it, but...

-MOBILE RINGTONE

0:14:320:14:34

I'll just have to go along with it, won't I?

0:14:340:14:36

RINGTONE STOPS

0:14:360:14:38

The... The-the problem is that the phone rings even when I'm speaking on it,

0:14:380:14:44

so it sounds bloody weird.

0:14:440:14:46

HE SNORTS

0:14:460:14:47

In fact, I think it just did it then. Did you hear it? Yes?

0:14:470:14:51

Yeah. He heard it too.

0:14:510:14:53

OK, well, I'll leave it with you.

0:14:530:14:55

Mm-hm. Yep.

0:14:550:14:57

Yep.

0:14:570:14:59

All right. Thanks, Susan.

0:14:590:15:01

If Geoff Susan doesn't mend that phone, there'll be hell to pay.

0:15:030:15:06

They wouldn't even let me say goodbye to my listeners.

0:15:060:15:09

Just gave me 30 minutes to clear out my locker.

0:15:090:15:12

Well, at least I'm getting their mugs dirty.

0:15:120:15:15

Thanks, Alan. You always stuck up for me.

0:15:150:15:18

Not like the others.

0:15:180:15:20

Well, I'll let you get back to...Geoff.

0:15:210:15:23

-Who's Geoff?

-Geoff Susan.

0:15:260:15:28

Oh, yes, of course.

0:15:280:15:30

BUZZING

0:15:340:15:35

Ahhhhh... I did the right thing, didn't I, Lynn?

0:15:350:15:38

I mean, I think he knew his days were numbered.

0:15:390:15:42

More of an assisted suicide, really.

0:15:420:15:44

I just flew him to Switzerland and filled out a few forms and...

0:15:440:15:49

sloped off to the airport.

0:15:490:15:51

I've got to be honest, Lynn, I'm feeling pretty crummy.

0:15:510:15:54

Pat's Irish, isn't he?

0:15:540:15:56

To be sure.

0:15:560:15:57

Why don't you donate £50 to Sinn Fein?

0:15:570:16:00

Perfect.

0:16:000:16:02

-ALARM BEEPS

-Love that noise.

0:16:020:16:05

Keep me away from the sausage rolls.

0:16:050:16:06

I'm wearing my chubby clothes again.

0:16:060:16:08

I noticed. What, the chub, or the clothes?

0:16:080:16:10

-My pad!

-My pad.

0:16:100:16:12

-SHE GIGGLES

-Not that funny, Lynn.

0:16:120:16:14

MUSIC: Bounce by Calvin Harris

0:16:140:16:17

CHATTER

0:16:170:16:19

-I used to go with prostitutes.

-Brilliant.

0:16:190:16:21

Cocaine - that was a trigger. Cocaine, prostitutes.

0:16:210:16:24

Bit of a cycle. Puking up the old... luminous green bile.

0:16:240:16:28

Yeah, I was withdrawing.

0:16:290:16:31

THEY LAUGH HEARTILY

0:16:310:16:32

I've got my minder with me.

0:16:320:16:33

-Lynn?

-She might not seem tough,

0:16:330:16:35

but I once saw her stamp on 50 cockroaches in a minute.

0:16:350:16:38

He didn't see. He was in the next room.

0:16:380:16:39

-It was in Wales.

-It's true, yeah.

0:16:390:16:41

All I could hear was crunch, crunch, crunch, stamp, stamp, stamp.

0:16:410:16:44

I thought she was country dancing whilst eating cereal.

0:16:440:16:47

I thought it was the End of Days. They were legion.

0:16:470:16:50

Lynn likes The Bible.

0:16:500:16:52

I've never understood moths.

0:16:520:16:54

They only come out at night, yet they're attracted to the light.

0:16:540:16:57

I don't know why they just don't come out during the day.

0:16:570:16:59

I've nothing to add to that. If you substituted butterfly...

0:16:590:17:02

Could you go and get me some sausage rolls?

0:17:020:17:04

If you substituted butterfly for moth, I think it would sound like poetry, yeah.

0:17:040:17:08

Unfortunately, Wordsworth didn't say -

0:17:080:17:09

"I wandered lonely as a moth to eat some jumpers in a drawer."

0:17:090:17:14

"As if that wasn't bad enough, it ate my sock upon the moor."

0:17:140:17:19

HE SIGHS AND CLICKS TONGUE

0:17:190:17:20

Yeah. It's just... I don't know why a sock could be on the moor.

0:17:230:17:26

A mitten, maybe.

0:17:260:17:28

I actually spewed up some of my stomach lining.

0:17:280:17:31

I don't know if you've ever done er...done any horse, have you?

0:17:310:17:34

-I've ridden a donkey.

-No, no, no, I mean heroin.

0:17:340:17:36

I know what you mean. No, I've not done heroin.

0:17:360:17:39

-I don't like subtitles in my films.

-If you can read, read a book.

0:17:390:17:42

Citizen Kane - black and white. I haven't seen that.

0:17:420:17:44

I tell you what, the best film for me, ever, is still The Godfather.

0:17:440:17:48

-Ah, amazing film.

-Perfect film.

0:17:480:17:50

"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse."

0:17:500:17:52

-Amazing acting, though.

-Great acting.

0:17:520:17:54

I tell you what's even better,

0:17:540:17:56

a lot of people are shocked when I say this - the camera angles.

0:17:560:17:59

Alan, I need a word.

0:17:590:18:00

> Camera angles?

0:18:000:18:02

It's rather delicate.

0:18:020:18:04

Remember when you took me for that Christmas meal at the ice rink?

0:18:040:18:07

You remember that woman disinfecting the boots?

0:18:070:18:10

The one that took a shine to you?

0:18:100:18:11

I went home and you and her...

0:18:110:18:13

Well, it's...none of my business.

0:18:150:18:17

It is none of your business, but for the record, went back to her place,

0:18:170:18:20

watched Air Crash Investigation, then I fell asleep in her big armchair.

0:18:200:18:23

A perfectly normal woman.

0:18:230:18:25

Well, she's here.

0:18:250:18:27

Lynn, get rid of her. She's a drunk racist.

0:18:270:18:29

-I'll tolerate one, but not both.

-Fine.

0:18:290:18:32

But you said I could pop by any time.

0:18:320:18:34

I know, but my career's hanging by a thread.

0:18:340:18:36

-And I'm an embarrassment, am I?

-No, no.

0:18:360:18:38

You just wanted sex, you used me.

0:18:380:18:41

Well, maybe you used me.

0:18:410:18:42

I-I didn't have much of a say over what went on that night.

0:18:420:18:46

Didn't hear you complaining.

0:18:460:18:48

-I couldn't speak.

-See you round mine again, then.

0:18:480:18:51

I...don't know, I'm... I'm...

0:18:510:18:52

-What's wrong with my place?

-Well...all those dogs barking.

0:18:520:18:56

But it's their bedroom too.

0:18:560:18:58

May I have a word?

0:18:580:19:00

-BETTIE:

-You're talking clap... crap!

0:19:050:19:07

I sound like a fucking Chinky when I'm pissed!

0:19:070:19:11

BANGS AND SCREAMS

0:19:110:19:13

There we go. All done.

0:19:140:19:17

-What did you say to her?

-I told her that God loves everyone...

0:19:170:19:21

even sluts.

0:19:210:19:23

-Goodnight, Lynn.

-Night, Alan.

0:19:230:19:25

MUSIC CONTINUES

0:19:290:19:31

Hello?

0:19:500:19:52

V funny. Tee-hee.

0:19:520:19:55

Very impressive.

0:19:550:19:57

Oh, they must have left in a hurry. Something weird's happened.

0:19:570:20:00

HE SIGHS

0:20:040:20:05

All right, you freaked me out, so just... Pack it...

0:20:080:20:12

There you are!

0:20:120:20:13

Pat? Agh!

0:20:130:20:15

GUNSHOT

0:20:150:20:16

I'm down.

0:20:220:20:23

MAN GRUNTS

0:20:290:20:31

You...

0:20:310:20:32

You step to me?

0:20:320:20:35

Simon!

0:20:350:20:36

HE GROANS

0:20:360:20:37

Er...

0:20:370:20:39

Yeah, all right. I'll go on without you.

0:20:390:20:41

HE GRUNTS

0:20:490:20:50

HE PANTS

0:20:520:20:53

Stop! Stop! Stop!

0:20:560:20:57

TYRES SCREECH

0:20:570:20:59

-I need to commandeer this vehicle.

-WOMAN: What?

0:20:590:21:01

There's a mad man with a gun. Um...

0:21:010:21:03

-He's Irish!

-Get in.

0:21:030:21:05

Why do you sit so close to the wheel? I could steer with my balls!

0:21:060:21:10

-Where's the nearest police station?

-Just here.

0:21:110:21:14

Oh...thanks.

0:21:140:21:16

Are you Alan Partrid...?

0:21:160:21:18

Assault, battery, kidnap, chronic thuggery,

0:21:200:21:24

brandishment, actual bodily harm, grievous bodily harm...

0:21:240:21:27

-harm.

-Just stick to what you saw

0:21:270:21:30

and we'll decide if it's ABH or GBH.

0:21:300:21:32

-You mean aitch?

-That's what I said.

0:21:320:21:34

Nearly, you said haitch.

0:21:340:21:36

"Ha" is the sound of the letter, aitch is its name.

0:21:360:21:38

One is ha, the other is aitch. Neither is "haitch".

0:21:380:21:40

-I'm sorry, I'm a bit nervous.

-Mr Partridge?

0:21:400:21:42

-There's something else we need to talk about.

-Oh...

0:21:420:21:44

-You're not in trouble.

-Oh, fine.

0:21:440:21:46

I've never been in a police car before.

0:21:490:21:51

May I lower the window, please?

0:21:510:21:53

POLICE RADIO: Foxtrot Sierra. Alpha Papa arriving at the school building.

0:21:570:22:01

-Officer.

-Mr Partridge.

0:22:010:22:03

-You were at the police station.

-I was just in the car with you.

0:22:030:22:06

-If you want to follow me, please.

-Huh.

0:22:060:22:08

-This way, please, sir.

-Yep.

0:22:080:22:10

Let's do it.

0:22:120:22:14

Mr Partridge, this is the Gold Commander of the operation.

0:22:160:22:19

ALAN CHUCKLES

0:22:190:22:21

-Seriously, is that what you're called?

-On this operation, yes.

0:22:210:22:24

I'm Acting Chief Constable Janet Whitehead.

0:22:240:22:26

-An honour.

-And I'm Martin Fitch...

0:22:260:22:29

Send.

0:22:290:22:30

..from Scotland Yard's Hostage and Crisis Unit.

0:22:300:22:33

Here to lead the negotiation.

0:22:330:22:35

Er...little bit awkward. Who's in charge?

0:22:350:22:37

Make no mistake, this lady is in charge.

0:22:370:22:40

So here's the situation. Pat is refusing to speak to us directly.

0:22:400:22:44

He's willing to give us three hostages, but only if he can talk to us through you.

0:22:440:22:48

Now, we need to know why Pat has done this so we can draw things to a peaceful conclusion.

0:22:480:22:52

Yeah, sure, I'll talk to him. Deal.

0:22:520:22:54

Sorry, wrong person.

0:22:540:22:57

Come here.

0:22:570:22:58

OK. Now, are you on any medication?

0:23:010:23:04

Er... Just some cream.

0:23:040:23:06

I've got very aggressive athlete's foot but that's the only thing about me that is.

0:23:060:23:10

Do you suffer from any nervous conditions, such as panic attacks?

0:23:100:23:13

HE SNIGGERS

0:23:130:23:14

Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks?

0:23:140:23:16

I've had one panic attack in a car wash.

0:23:160:23:18

It was a perfect storm of no sleep, no wife,

0:23:180:23:22

and angry brushes whirring towards me.

0:23:220:23:25

By the time the giant hairdryer came on, I was in the footwell.

0:23:250:23:28

Does the idea of weaponry trouble you?

0:23:300:23:33

Er...no. I've fired several rifles - at funfairs, and won prizes.

0:23:330:23:36

But I've never fired one in anger, or at a cat.

0:23:360:23:40

CLEARING THROAT: We'll have you fully briefed by the tactical firearms team.

0:23:400:23:43

Cool.

0:23:430:23:44

We'll keep in regular phone contact with you when you go in.

0:23:440:23:46

Very cool. Sorry, go in?

0:23:460:23:48

-What, into the building?

-Mm-hm.

0:23:480:23:51

-To speak to Pat in person?

-Yes, is that not what you...?

0:23:510:23:54

-Erm...

-Everything OK?

0:23:550:23:58

I'm just a little nervous about going into a car wash...er...siege.

0:23:580:24:02

So what do you say, Al? Will you help us?

0:24:020:24:04

HE SIGHS

0:24:060:24:08

CONTEMPLATIVE PIANO MUSIC

0:24:090:24:11

Yep.

0:24:130:24:14

Guys, none of us choose the hand we're dealt...

0:24:140:24:17

-You know...

-We do need an answer, I'm afraid.

0:24:190:24:22

Do you have another siege to go to?

0:24:220:24:23

It's my understanding that if you say yes, you're allowed a few words.

0:24:230:24:26

-So you are saying yes?

-I was leaving that to the end.

0:24:260:24:28

-If you'd like to come with me.

-Sure.

0:24:280:24:30

Can I get a copy of that?

0:24:300:24:32

-Let's keep this simple, shall we?

-Roger, that.

0:24:320:24:35

-No heroics.

-Ten-four, good buddy.

0:24:350:24:37

Do not physically engage him.

0:24:370:24:39

-Fight a gun, flee a knife, yeah?

-Where do you read that?

0:24:390:24:41

Big fans of you guys in TFU.

0:24:410:24:43

If I had my way, all police officers would carry firearms.

0:24:430:24:46

I think that firearms should remain in the hands of specialists.

0:24:460:24:49

I was going to say that only specialists should be allowed to fire them.

0:24:490:24:52

If you think I've just made that up, you can call my assistant.

0:24:520:24:55

Alan! Read my lips.

0:24:550:24:57

If you jeopardize the safety of any of my men,

0:24:570:25:00

or any of those hostages because you've not been listening to me,

0:25:000:25:03

I will take off this police uniform and I will make you pay for it.

0:25:030:25:06

You want me to buy your police uniform off you?

0:25:080:25:10

No. I'll give you a fucking good hiding, is that clear?

0:25:100:25:13

Yes, that's clear. Yes. That's clear.

0:25:130:25:15

(You're close to me.)

0:25:150:25:17

Now, you're a smart bloke, I know you can handle it.

0:25:180:25:20

-I know you won't disappoint me.

-I won't.

0:25:200:25:22

I aim to please you, and I... I hope to impress you.

0:25:220:25:25

-Good man.

-Yeah, you're a good man too.

0:25:250:25:29

Right, well, Dom will fill you in.

0:25:290:25:30

He has to say all that shit for the insurance.

0:25:360:25:38

-Right.

-Tell me this much, mate.

0:25:380:25:40

-What's your favourite siege?

-Iranian Embassy.

0:25:400:25:43

Same. Why?

0:25:430:25:44

They used the sound of a pneumatic drill

0:25:440:25:46

to disguise the noise of them removing bricks from a neighbouring wall.

0:25:460:25:49

-So they could smash through and...

-Take them out the game.

0:25:490:25:52

BOTH: It's just a great siege.

0:25:520:25:54

Right.

0:25:550:25:56

Do you want to see me gun?

0:25:570:25:59

Does erm... Yes, please.

0:25:590:26:02

HEAVY THUD AND SLIDE

0:26:020:26:03

Let's clock the Glock.

0:26:040:26:06

You'll have to move quicker than that.

0:26:080:26:09

-Any last messages for your kids?

-Oh... Er...

0:26:090:26:12

No, they don't speak to me any more.

0:26:120:26:14

Yeah, "Why don't you speak to me any more?"

0:26:140:26:16

I wouldn't know the answer, would I?

0:26:160:26:18

So just um... Just... tell them I love them.

0:26:180:26:21

Pat, Alan's coming in now.

0:26:290:26:31

HELICOPTER ROTORS WHIR

0:26:310:26:33

-Greg!

-Oh... Hey, Alan. Thanks.

0:26:460:26:48

-They let you go as well?

-I'm relieved to be getting out of there.

0:26:480:26:51

-Aren't there still women in there?

-Yeah, well...

0:26:510:26:54

I think it would be a bit sexist to let ALL the women go out first.

0:26:540:26:57

Yeah. Sleep well, Greg.

0:26:570:27:00

Thanks.

0:27:000:27:01

Pat?

0:27:060:27:07

Pat?

0:27:100:27:12

Pat?

0:27:120:27:13

-Prepare to die.

-I'm not ready to!

0:27:220:27:24

Alan, it's OK, it's OK, it's me.

0:27:240:27:26

It's me - Pat.

0:27:260:27:29

God, you...

0:27:290:27:30

I just thought a little jokey costume would, you know, put you at ease,

0:27:300:27:33

-give you a giggle.

-Well...mission accomplished.

0:27:330:27:36

Oh, God.

0:27:370:27:38

-It's great to see you.

-Good to see you, too.

0:27:380:27:40

I bought you some cake, not that you deserve it after that.

0:27:400:27:43

I should just crush it in my hand. Oh, I already have.

0:27:430:27:46

-How the devil are you?

-Yeah, not bad, not bad.

0:27:460:27:49

How are you feeling?

0:27:490:27:50

-Great!

-Good.

0:27:500:27:52

Oh, er...the police told me to bring you this.

0:27:520:27:54

It's just a standard field phone,

0:27:540:27:56

should you feel the inclination to communicate with ze authorities.

0:27:560:27:59

Good thing about these things, they're immune to the problems and glitches

0:27:590:28:03

you get with satellite phones.

0:28:030:28:05

But, like I say, it's just an option, really.

0:28:050:28:08

I just realised, when you asked me now how I was feeling, you meant...

0:28:080:28:13

Yes, I did.

0:28:130:28:15

PAT CHUCKLES

0:28:150:28:17

-Does this answer your question?

-Yes, it does.

0:28:170:28:19

Oh, hello. Didn't see you there.

0:28:190:28:22

Someone's been in the wars.

0:28:220:28:24

-That's just Simon.

-Can he breathe through that?

0:28:240:28:26

Of course. It's just like wearing a mask.

0:28:260:28:28

At least when someone puts you in a mask, you've got a safe word,

0:28:280:28:31

like "air bag", or "crayfish".

0:28:310:28:33

What's the er...? That thing?

0:28:340:28:36

Oh, we made that. It's a head holster.

0:28:360:28:39

-Never heard of one of those.

-Yeah, I'll show you. Simon?

0:28:390:28:43

You insert the shotgun.

0:28:430:28:45

Place on stand. And...voila.

0:28:450:28:47

Hands free. I can move around the studio, do anything I want.

0:28:470:28:50

And if something happens... I don't even have to look.

0:28:500:28:54

Boom. Hit the target.

0:28:540:28:55

Yeah... Well, you don't need an accomplice.

0:28:550:28:58

Well, I've got you now.

0:28:580:29:00

Yeah.

0:29:000:29:02

Thank you.

0:29:020:29:04

So you're with the police now?

0:29:070:29:09

Oh, this... No, this is just...

0:29:110:29:13

I think it's Velcro. There you go.

0:29:130:29:16

Feck the police.

0:29:160:29:17

I think they thought that if they did take a pot shot at you...

0:29:170:29:20

it's a siege, you've got a gun,

0:29:200:29:22

that the bullet might pass through you and hit me.

0:29:220:29:24

Unless they use dumdums, which explode inside the body.

0:29:240:29:26

I said, "Do not use dumdums on Pat Ferrell, Farrell, Ferrell.

0:29:260:29:29

"Just use a high-velocity round that passes through his body

0:29:290:29:32

"because he's a friend of mine."

0:29:320:29:34

And I suppose if I want to shoot you, I can always aim for the head.

0:29:340:29:37

Exactly. Exactly.

0:29:370:29:38

Um... I don't even know why I'm wearing it.

0:29:380:29:41

-So take it off.

-I'll happily take it off.

0:29:410:29:43

Go on, then.

0:29:430:29:44

-If you want me to, I'll take it off.

-Fucking take it off!

0:29:440:29:47

Oh, Pat, now you're making me want to wear it!

0:29:470:29:49

This is not my bag.

0:29:490:29:51

I'm-I'm-I'm...a disc jockey.

0:29:510:29:53

I'm sorry you got the sack.

0:29:530:29:55

I'm 55 years old, I should be at home in bed watching funny videos on YouTube.

0:29:550:29:59

"Sneezing panda" or "Charlie bit my finger".

0:30:000:30:04

Have you seen "Fat woman falls down the hole"?

0:30:040:30:06

THEY LAUGH

0:30:070:30:10

-That's hilarious. Isn't it?

-Yeah.

0:30:100:30:12

I've seen it before, but, yeah.

0:30:120:30:14

That... That should be fenced off, really, but erm... I'm glad it wasn't.

0:30:140:30:19

Great.

0:30:190:30:20

Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to ask, where are the hostages?

0:30:200:30:23

In there.

0:30:230:30:25

Oh, my God!

0:30:270:30:29

That's like some sort of zoo from Planet Of The Apes.

0:30:290:30:32

Danny looks a bit...bruised.

0:30:330:30:36

I lost my temper a couple of times.

0:30:360:30:38

-Three times.

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it was three.

0:30:380:30:41

Go and say hello.

0:30:410:30:43

-Give him a slap yourself, if you want.

-Oh, no...

0:30:430:30:46

No, I'll just... I'll just say hello.

0:30:470:30:50

-Alan...

-Look, do the police know we're here?

0:30:500:30:53

Alan! What the hell's going on?

0:30:530:30:55

ALL TALK AT ONCE

0:30:550:30:56

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

0:30:560:30:58

Cool it with the crosstalk, you're professional broadcasters.

0:30:580:31:01

-I'm not, I'm a writer.

-We'll get through this with each other.

0:31:010:31:04

I want everyone to shake hands with everyone else. Now! Whether you want to or not.

0:31:040:31:08

DANNY: This is ridiculous.

0:31:080:31:10

ANGELA: Ow.

0:31:100:31:11

Hello, er...Connor.

0:31:110:31:13

-Paper.

-Hi.

0:31:160:31:18

OK. Pat will not communicate directly with the police.

0:31:180:31:21

Only through me.

0:31:210:31:23

So as of now, I am bullhorn.

0:31:230:31:26

-But I think we're going to be OK.

-OK? He hit me!

0:31:260:31:29

Let's not get into who hit who or, you know, who may have deserved it.

0:31:290:31:32

You need to keep him away from me. Understand?

0:31:320:31:35

What I NEED to do, Danny,

0:31:350:31:36

in conjunction with Jason, is crisis management.

0:31:360:31:39

I'm sure he'll agree there has been plenty of crisis...

0:31:390:31:41

-But no management.

-Cowabunga. Walk with me.

0:31:410:31:43

Alan, you do realise you're in the box seat here?

0:31:450:31:48

-You've got the guy's confidence.

-Yeah. I don't know why.

0:31:480:31:50

I go for a curry with him once a year, and even then I don't have a starter.

0:31:500:31:54

Trouble is, he does.

0:31:540:31:55

All I need to know is - can you handle it?

0:31:550:31:57

Well, er...

0:31:570:31:58

Would you ask that of a man who'd gone paintballing,

0:31:580:32:01

realised he'd left his goggles at reception but carried on anyway?

0:32:010:32:04

-Why?

-You're looking at him.

0:32:040:32:06

OK, guys, quick wawa.

0:32:060:32:08

Just had a powwow with Jase, upshot is...

0:32:080:32:11

I'm going to be his right-hand man on this one.

0:32:110:32:13

He'll be, um... My left-hand man.

0:32:130:32:17

-Er...

-Sorry.

0:32:170:32:19

The point is, Pat has not gone mad.

0:32:190:32:22

He has a grievance. He needs some sort of outlet.

0:32:220:32:24

JINGLE PLAYS

0:32:240:32:25

This is Pat Farrell, welcoming you to Roll Out The Farrell on North Norfolk Digital.

0:32:250:32:30

OK. Pat may have... May have gone mad.

0:32:300:32:33

He may have gone mad.

0:32:330:32:35

And now we have a text from Cynthia in Holt, who writes,

0:32:350:32:39

Dear Pat, we are sending you a bottle...

0:32:390:32:41

-Ma'am, you'd better listen to this...

-..of our home-made plum brandy.

0:32:410:32:44

We use it to make brandy butter...

0:32:440:32:46

-Why am I listening to shit radio?

-That's Pat Farrell, ma'am.

0:32:460:32:49

He's broadcasting from the siege.

0:32:490:32:51

Mm, yum, Cynthia. Can't wait.

0:32:510:32:53

Can you gently remind Pat that we had an agreement?

0:32:530:32:56

You are there to communicate with us.

0:32:560:32:58

Listen, I don't know what it says in your police operation manual...

0:32:580:33:02

-or in Psychobabble Weekly...

-Penguin Book of Sieges.

0:33:020:33:05

..or The Penguin Book of Sieges,

0:33:050:33:07

but out here in the field, it's plenty different.

0:33:070:33:10

I've got a guy with a gun and a gripe to grind, and he say, "No speaky."

0:33:100:33:15

I would really like to establish a dialogue here, Alan.

0:33:150:33:18

A simple trilateral exchange, from Pat, to you, to me, to you, to Pat.

0:33:180:33:21

-Do you understand?

-No more interruptions, or else!

0:33:210:33:24

You think I don't have balls? I've got plenty of balls!

0:33:240:33:27

I've got balls coming out of my arse!

0:33:270:33:29

-Er...did you hear that?

-Yes.

0:33:310:33:34

Well, that's... that's the end of the call. Bye.

0:33:340:33:37

You are listening to North Norfolk Digital.

0:33:380:33:40

# Shape

0:33:420:33:43

# The Way You Want It To Be.

0:33:430:33:45

# Shape- The way you want it to be

0:33:450:33:47

-Where are all my jingles?

-Jason wanted them deleted.

0:33:470:33:50

-He won't have deleted them all.

-He did delete them all.

0:33:500:33:52

-He did delete them all, Pat.

-What?

0:33:520:33:54

-It was jingle genocide.

-That's not helping, Simon.

0:33:540:33:57

The bastard. Alan, take over for me.

0:33:570:34:00

-No.

-I'm going to straighten him out.

0:34:000:34:03

MUFFLED GASPS

0:34:030:34:05

Oh, and...keep it light.

0:34:050:34:07

Right, um... OK.

0:34:070:34:08

SCREAMING

0:34:080:34:10

You're listening to the Pat and Alan Show.

0:34:100:34:12

-Mainly Pat.

-You, Jason. Yeah, you.

0:34:120:34:14

We'll be asking...w-what time...

0:34:140:34:17

..does mike paper slider switch to... To...

0:34:180:34:23

to mouse his chocolate cups?

0:34:230:34:27

-It doesn't make sense.

-It doesn't make sense,

0:34:270:34:30

but if you can rearrange to make sense then you could win...bins...

0:34:300:34:33

and win...

0:34:330:34:35

THUD

0:34:350:34:36

...and windows.

0:34:360:34:38

-Alan, help me!

-So that's our win a bin and window,

0:34:380:34:41

rearrange the sentence, keep it light, competition.

0:34:410:34:44

SCREAMING

0:34:440:34:45

Oh, shit.

0:34:450:34:46

This is the theme from Ski Sunday.

0:34:460:34:49

Sorry for swearing.

0:34:490:34:50

MUSIC: Theme from Ski Sunday

0:34:500:34:52

-MUFFLED:

-I've put up with shits like you for most of my life...

0:34:550:34:59

THUMPING AND SCREAMING

0:34:590:35:01

THUD

0:35:040:35:05

One hour.

0:35:070:35:09

And if that jingle isn't word for word what I just said,

0:35:090:35:13

I am going to shoot you in the feet, then the knees, then the hands.

0:35:130:35:17

And basically anything you've got two of, like your face.

0:35:170:35:21

Oh, yeah. Two-faced.

0:35:220:35:24

One hour.

0:35:240:35:26

One hour? This is impossible. I'm going to fucking die.

0:35:290:35:33

What are we going to do?

0:35:330:35:35

You can't do a top-quality jingle in an hour.

0:35:350:35:37

We can do this. Let me tell you a story, um...

0:35:370:35:40

Back in the day, I was MC-ing a conference for Reynard Pharmaceuticals.

0:35:400:35:44

Some of the marketing guys were doing karaoke.

0:35:440:35:46

I didn't join in, I tended to shun Japanese culture.

0:35:460:35:49

This was the mid-'90s, it was more acceptable.

0:35:490:35:51

But high on a cocktail of champagne and cheap Fosters lager,

0:35:510:35:55

I lunged at the microphone.

0:35:550:35:57

A few minutes later, I was making grown men cry

0:35:570:35:59

with my rendition of Summer Of '69 by Bryan Adams.

0:35:590:36:02

Thing is, I twisted the lyrics to the Summer Of '29,

0:36:020:36:05

evoking memories of the Wall Street Crash and German hyperinflation.

0:36:050:36:08

-Remember, these guys were in sales.

-Alan, where are you going with this?!

0:36:080:36:12

The point is, he didn't think he was any good at singing,

0:36:120:36:14

and it turns out he was quite good.

0:36:140:36:16

-Yeah, that.

-And that if you really, really try,

0:36:160:36:19

-you can do anything.

-And that.

0:36:190:36:21

I don't care! I'm going to fucking die!

0:36:210:36:23

Hey, hey, I'm trying to save your head, shoulders, knees and toes.

0:36:230:36:26

-ANGELA:

-Knees and toes.

-OK, man up, musos.

0:36:260:36:29

-I played synth in a jazz funk band.

-Great, who else?

0:36:290:36:32

I used to be the drummer in Marillion.

0:36:320:36:34

-ALL EXCLAIMING: Really?

-There's no time for that.

0:36:340:36:36

-But wow and great.

-What are you going to do first?

0:36:360:36:39

HE PLAYS RANDOM NOTES

0:36:390:36:41

I'm going to lay down a rhythm track.

0:36:430:36:45

MULTIPLE LOCKS CLICK

0:36:480:36:50

Oh.

0:36:530:36:54

Lynn Benfield?

0:36:540:36:56

-I am she.

-Do you know Mr Alan Partridge?

0:36:560:36:59

OK.

0:36:590:37:00

He wasn't stealing crisps.

0:37:000:37:02

He just gets flustered at self-service checkouts

0:37:020:37:05

-and takes things without scanning them.

-Miss Benfield...

0:37:050:37:07

He doesn't like being told to put things in bagging areas by automated women.

0:37:070:37:11

No, Miss Benfield, we're here because Mr Partridge is

0:37:110:37:14

currently involved in an armed siege.

0:37:140:37:16

-Oh.

-We're informing you as his next of kin.

0:37:160:37:19

Take me to him.

0:37:220:37:23

# Pat Farrell had a loyal following in

0:37:250:37:29

# The local community

0:37:290:37:31

# But Goredale Media fucked him over

0:37:310:37:34

# Cos they don't care about loyalty

0:37:340:37:37

# The only things they give a shit about

0:37:370:37:40

# Is the profit margins

0:37:400:37:43

# And if they don't reinstate him

0:37:430:37:46

# He'll take it out on the hostages

0:37:460:37:49

# Even the ones with kids

0:37:490:37:51

# Better get yourself some body bags. #

0:37:510:37:54

That was beautiful.

0:37:580:37:59

-Could you make me some more?

-ALL: Ooh.

-Er...

0:37:590:38:02

-ALL: Definitely!

-Yes, maybe(!)

0:38:020:38:04

Local folk trio Will-o'-the-wisp won't be coming in now.

0:38:080:38:11

Apparently, there are road closures in Norwich due to a major police...

0:38:110:38:15

RADIO OFF

0:38:150:38:16

Thanks for waiting, Miss Benfield.

0:38:160:38:17

We're speaking to anyone who can help us build a picture of Pat Farrell.

0:38:170:38:21

-You said you know him?

-Ah, well...

0:38:210:38:22

I made three cakes for him over the last year.

0:38:220:38:25

But there was nothing in them that would have led him to do this.

0:38:250:38:28

-They were very plain.

-That's not one of our lines of investigation.

0:38:280:38:31

Just tell us what you know about Pat.

0:38:310:38:33

Irish. Shock of brown, curly hair.

0:38:330:38:36

He's a strong man, with strong arms and a good walk. Moves well.

0:38:360:38:40

-That's very helpful, Lynn.

-Oh.

0:38:400:38:42

-Thank you.

-Now, how about some coffee?

0:38:420:38:44

Oh, of course. How do you take it?

0:38:440:38:46

No, no, we'll get it for you. Just sit there, I'll be back.

0:38:460:38:50

Oh...

0:38:500:38:51

MUSIC: Wichita Lineman by Glen Campbell

0:38:510:38:54

I hate all this shit. Telling us how to speak.

0:38:570:38:59

They think they're giving us an identity but they're...

0:38:590:39:02

Turning us into nobodies.

0:39:020:39:03

We're just unit-shifters for the money men.

0:39:030:39:06

Sounds quite good.

0:39:060:39:07

Alan, did you ever imagine what life would be like in your 50s?

0:39:110:39:15

I had hopes and dreams. I think we all did.

0:39:150:39:18

Penny for them.

0:39:190:39:21

Keep the penny, you've got a gun.

0:39:210:39:23

But yeah, I used to dream that one day I'd drive a brand-new Range Rover

0:39:230:39:27

towing a speedboat.

0:39:270:39:28

I used to dream about growing old with someone I love.

0:39:280:39:32

Hm. Both valid.

0:39:320:39:34

It's not going to happen now, is it?

0:39:340:39:36

I miss my Molly so much.

0:39:420:39:44

-Who's this chap?

-That's Molly.

0:39:470:39:51

Yes, of course.

0:39:510:39:52

She's got such...brown hair.

0:39:540:39:57

A year after that was taken, the angels took her.

0:39:590:40:03

Must have been a few of them.

0:40:060:40:08

Now I've nobody. No wife.

0:40:080:40:11

No family. No kids.

0:40:110:40:13

I've got to say, Pat, kids don't make you happy.

0:40:180:40:20

Some of the unhappiest times of my life have been with my kids.

0:40:200:40:23

I remember...

0:40:230:40:25

a holiday on the beach in Prestatyn.

0:40:250:40:28

The kids came over to me and said, "Papa, Papa! Follow me..."

0:40:280:40:33

and...you know...

0:40:330:40:35

I followed them about 200 yards across the sand dunes.

0:40:350:40:38

When I got there, finally, all they'd done was dug a big hole.

0:40:380:40:42

Miserable.

0:40:440:40:45

Sounds lovely.

0:40:480:40:50

PAT SIGHS HEAVILY

0:40:540:40:57

# And the Wichita lineman

0:40:570:41:01

# Is still on the line... #

0:41:020:41:07

Gooood morning!

0:41:150:41:16

Crayfish!

0:41:160:41:18

I feel absolutely great.

0:41:190:41:21

There's a lot to be said for a good sleep and a hot shower.

0:41:210:41:25

Yeah.

0:41:250:41:27

Sleep well, Alan?

0:41:270:41:29

Er...yes, thank you.

0:41:290:41:31

As the Shape siege enters its first morning,

0:41:320:41:35

police are refusing to confirm

0:41:350:41:36

the number or identities of the hostages

0:41:360:41:38

still being held at gunpoint

0:41:380:41:40

by sacked DJ Pat Farrell.

0:41:400:41:42

Fellow-DJ Alan Partridge

0:41:420:41:44

is in contact with the police,

0:41:440:41:45

who are now set up at the school behind me.

0:41:450:41:48

What would you like us to play, Iris?

0:41:480:41:50

Always On My Mind by Willie Nelson.

0:41:500:41:52

Aw.

0:41:520:41:53

I would love to, Iris, but unfortunately that's not in the system.

0:41:530:41:56

We are only allowed play-approved tracks.

0:41:560:41:59

But, Pat, you've got a gun. You can play whatever you like.

0:41:590:42:02

Leave it with me and I'll see what I can do, OK?

0:42:020:42:05

Remember we used to choose our own records?

0:42:060:42:08

Yeah. Or put on a compilation album if you were tired

0:42:080:42:11

or couldn't be bothered.

0:42:110:42:13

-LAUGHING:

-Yeah.

0:42:130:42:14

You like country music, Alan?

0:42:140:42:16

Can't say I do, Pat.

0:42:160:42:18

It's just jilted spouses complaining whilst drunk.

0:42:180:42:22

Also known as a date, if you're over 40.

0:42:220:42:24

When a listener asks for a song and I don't have it,

0:42:240:42:27

I feel like I've let them down.

0:42:270:42:29

And Willie Nelson was Molly's favourite too.

0:42:290:42:32

And Always On My Mind was her favourite song.

0:42:320:42:35

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

0:42:360:42:38

Do you remember that? The old roadshow bus.

0:42:440:42:47

Remember it? I took my family camping in that.

0:42:470:42:49

-Yeah?

-That was a tough nine days.

0:42:490:42:51

You see, this bus brought joy to hundreds.

0:42:510:42:54

I wonder where it is now.

0:42:540:42:56

Probably impounded after it crushed those scouts.

0:42:560:42:59

No, no, it's in the basement.

0:42:590:43:00

-Oh?

-Yeah.

0:43:000:43:02

-Did not know that.

-I used... Oh!

0:43:020:43:04

-Forgot the record. Hold that, will you?

-Sure.

0:43:040:43:06

-Give me the gun, Alan.

-Yeah.

0:43:180:43:20

-The gun, Alan.

-I was looking at my clothes before.

0:43:220:43:25

Some people call it gear, don't they? Others call it an outfit.

0:43:250:43:28

-CLEARING THROAT:

-But I call it clobber!

0:43:280:43:30

GUNSHOT

0:43:310:43:32

Jesus!

0:43:320:43:33

Alan! Alan!

0:43:330:43:34

Alan! Alan, give me the gun!

0:43:340:43:36

-Armed police, stay where you are!

-Give me the gun.

0:43:360:43:39

Drop the weapon!

0:43:390:43:40

Alan!

0:43:430:43:45

Alan, open the door.

0:43:450:43:46

I'm just trying to find some way to escape.

0:43:460:43:50

Alan! Alan!

0:43:500:43:51

HAMMERS AT DOOR

0:43:510:43:54

Ayatollah!

0:43:540:43:55

He's got a shooter.

0:43:580:43:59

Aargh!

0:44:030:44:04

-You all right, Alan?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

0:44:070:44:09

Cuddle me, cop!

0:44:090:44:11

Argh!

0:44:110:44:13

Target down.

0:44:130:44:14

Yours, I believe.

0:44:140:44:16

You probably thought I was gay when I gave you that cuddle.

0:44:160:44:19

Don't worry, I'm not.

0:44:190:44:20

-You're really cool, Alan.

-Yeah, we think you're cool.

0:44:200:44:23

Thank you. Sorry, who are you?

0:44:230:44:26

Jason Statham.

0:44:270:44:29

Jason Bourne.

0:44:290:44:30

Jason Argonaut.

0:44:300:44:32

-Jason Argonaut?

-Mm.

0:44:320:44:35

-It's Jason AND the Argonauts.

-Yes.

0:44:350:44:38

Are you all right?

0:44:380:44:39

You just said, "clobber" and then "Jason and the Argonauts".

0:44:390:44:43

-Oh, sorry.

-All right.

0:44:430:44:46

-We go?

-Yeah.

0:44:460:44:49

Oh, er...by the way, thanks for not taking the gun.

0:44:490:44:51

Oh...that's fine.

0:44:510:44:53

-RADIO:

-You're listening to Pat Farrell and this is Willie Nelson,

0:44:530:44:56

Always On My Mind.

0:44:560:44:58

For someone who's always on my mind, my late wife Molly.

0:44:580:45:01

# Maybe I didn't love you

0:45:010:45:04

# Quite as often as I could have

0:45:070:45:10

# Maybe I didn't treat you... #

0:45:140:45:17

-Does that man look 59 to you?

-I didn't look.

0:45:210:45:23

-I just put his name into Google Images.

-This is Pat Farrell!

0:45:230:45:27

That is a Pat Farrell. Do I have to do everything?

0:45:270:45:31

Ma'am, you'd better hear this.

0:45:310:45:33

It's taken from the transcript of the broadcast.

0:45:330:45:35

0100 hours. "Partridge:

0:45:350:45:37

"I wish this was abroad, because it would make a brilliant Banged Up Abroad.

0:45:370:45:40

"Farrell: What's Banged Up Abroad?

0:45:400:45:42

"Partridge: You don't know Banged Up Abroad? Farrell: No.

0:45:420:45:45

"Partridge: Everyone knows Banged Up Abroad.

0:45:450:45:47

"Farrell: I don't. What is Banged Up Abroad?

0:45:470:45:49

"Partridge: You seriously don't know Banged Up Abroad?

0:45:490:45:52

"You have to be shitting me.

0:45:520:45:53

"Farrell: I've never even heard of..."

0:45:530:45:55

Just get to the bit where they stop saying Banged Up Abroad.

0:45:550:45:58

"Sidekick Simon: I once banged up a broad."

0:46:010:46:05

"Partridge: That's the best you've got, even with a gun to your head?"

0:46:050:46:08

He's got a gun to his head.

0:46:080:46:11

I remember once coming to in a skip in the middle of the afternoon

0:46:110:46:14

with my underpants in my mouth.

0:46:140:46:16

And then I realised: "Oh, these are not my pants!"

0:46:160:46:18

HE LAUGHS

0:46:180:46:20

Oh, I can laugh about it now but, you know, back then...

0:46:200:46:23

Sssh, ssh. What's that?

0:46:230:46:25

HELICOPTER ROTORS

0:46:250:46:27

POLICE RADIO: Move into position, over.

0:46:270:46:29

It's the police.

0:46:290:46:31

If you like canapes that are on the turn, we've hit the mother lode.

0:46:310:46:35

Oblong plate, square bowl. Go figure. Whatever happened to circles?

0:46:350:46:38

I mean, I've heard of a square meal but that's ridiculous.

0:46:380:46:41

HE LAUGHS

0:46:410:46:42

I was just saying I've heard of a square meal.

0:46:420:46:44

Alan! Alan! Ssh, ssh.

0:46:440:46:46

-We think it's the police.

-Wait.

0:46:460:46:48

QUIET BUMP

0:46:480:46:49

-That definitely came from in there.

-That's just a cupboard.

0:46:490:46:51

-It's not even an outside wall.

-Careful.

0:46:510:46:54

-No, Jason...

-I'll protect you.

0:46:540:46:56

JASON: It's not an outside wall. Look, I'll show you. Look.

0:46:560:46:59

-Michael?

-Aye, aye, Mr Partridge.

0:47:010:47:03

What are you hiding in there for?

0:47:030:47:05

I found myself a place of concealment, like when I was on manoeuvres.

0:47:050:47:08

Take your light off. You're blinding everyone you speak to.

0:47:080:47:11

Now it's flashing. Sorry.

0:47:110:47:13

Michael, you look like some sort of big Geordie Anne Frank.

0:47:130:47:17

-How long have you been here?

-All night.

0:47:170:47:19

-What did you eat?

-I had me lunch box.

0:47:190:47:21

-Where did you go to the toilet?

-No.

0:47:210:47:22

I had me lunch box. ALL GROAN

0:47:220:47:24

Thank God it's got a smoky finish with an airtight seal.

0:47:240:47:27

I tell you what. It seals in the freshness.

0:47:270:47:29

No, Michael. It seals out the freshness.

0:47:290:47:31

What is going on in here?

0:47:310:47:33

Michael's just visiting us from the cupboard.

0:47:330:47:35

No need to get shouty-shouty.

0:47:350:47:36

-Did those Goredale bastards put you up to this?

-No.

0:47:360:47:39

No, no. I've been in here a few nights.

0:47:390:47:41

-No, one night.

-No, a few nights.

0:47:410:47:43

A few nights this week and the week before.

0:47:430:47:45

-Why?

-Me brother wanted the bed to himself.

0:47:450:47:47

Ah, yes. Michael suffers from night terrors.

0:47:470:47:49

He thrashes about like a big salmon.

0:47:490:47:51

What's in the box?

0:47:510:47:53

Er...Michael... Michael let himself down.

0:47:530:47:56

I'm really sorry, I done a shit in the box.

0:47:590:48:01

Well, get rid of it. Throw it out the window.

0:48:010:48:04

Fall back! Fall back!

0:48:070:48:09

Armed police!

0:48:120:48:13

Identify yourself! Identify yourself!

0:48:130:48:15

Alan Partridge. Who the f...? Alan Partridge!

0:48:150:48:18

You know who I am. I haven't been off the TV that long.

0:48:180:48:21

-"Identify yourself"(!)

-MEGAPHONE: Alan, it's OK, I'm here. You're safe.

0:48:210:48:24

Yeah, tell them to stop pointing their guns at me.

0:48:240:48:26

-Lower your weapons.

-Yeah, lower your weapons.

0:48:260:48:29

Take your hand off your gun. Take your hand off your gun.

0:48:300:48:33

And the other hand. I can wait here all day.

0:48:330:48:36

Do as he says.

0:48:360:48:37

Thank you. Why do you have to turn it into a competition?

0:48:370:48:40

Just because I won. OK.

0:48:400:48:42

OK. Stop. Pat, stop tugging me.

0:48:420:48:44

I told you, I've got a very sensitive tummy.

0:48:440:48:46

Who are you talking to, Alan?

0:48:460:48:47

I've got Pat on the end of the line in both senses.

0:48:470:48:49

I'm tethered to the building via this rope and relaying messages

0:48:490:48:52

from Pat via this state-of-the-art Sennheiser 1000 head set.

0:48:520:48:55

Nice bit of kit. Yeah, I'm telling them that now.

0:48:550:48:58

If you'd listened, you'd know I'm telling them.

0:48:580:49:00

-Pat says "Hi".

-Hi, Pat.

0:49:000:49:03

And hi to your fellow officers.

0:49:030:49:06

OTHERS: Hi. Hi, Pat.

0:49:060:49:08

Alan, listen. Pat works with us here, this can all end well. OK?

0:49:080:49:12

-I give him my word.

-OK, just... Yep.

0:49:120:49:14

OK. Pat, you've got to... you're rambling.

0:49:140:49:16

You've got to be more concise. What do you want? "I want a helicopter."

0:49:160:49:19

That's just an example, by the way.

0:49:190:49:21

Yeah, OK. He wants a helicopter.

0:49:220:49:24

MARTIN: That might not be possible, Alan.

0:49:240:49:26

But let's dialogue. What else can we do for him?

0:49:260:49:29

SCREAMING

0:49:320:49:34

Pat says, "Fucking stupid pigs. What the hell's going on?"

0:49:350:49:38

Pat, listen to me. That was not an attack, OK?

0:49:380:49:41

We just had to dispose of a box around the corner in a controlled manner.

0:49:410:49:45

Pat would prefer it if you spoke through me, as would I.

0:49:450:49:47

Martin says they deployed a remote RV fitted with a disruptor

0:49:470:49:51

to neutralise a suspected IED. He doesn't know what you're talking about. He's quite angry.

0:49:510:49:55

-He's honking in my ear like a mad Irish goose.

-LAUGHTER

0:49:550:49:58

MAN: Aha! WOMEN: We love you, Alan!

0:49:580:50:00

Um...do you mind? It's not a radio roadshow.

0:50:000:50:02

-I'm trying to host a siege here.

-We love you, Alan!

0:50:020:50:06

Get away. Who said that?

0:50:060:50:09

What's it like in there?

0:50:090:50:10

Ah...scary, stressful, lots of shouting.

0:50:100:50:14

A bit like being married again.

0:50:140:50:16

LAUGHTER

0:50:160:50:17

And there's a crazy person running around with a gun.

0:50:170:50:20

So it's a lot like being married again.

0:50:200:50:22

LAUGHTER

0:50:220:50:24

And er...when I saw a guy with a shotgun in his mouth begging for mercy, then...

0:50:240:50:28

-LAUGHTER

-You're ahead of me.

0:50:280:50:30

You're ahead of me. A lot of you are.

0:50:300:50:32

He's still got his hand on his gun. He thinks I don't know. Yeah, you.

0:50:320:50:35

-I'm looking at you. Peripheral vision.

-Alan.

0:50:350:50:37

-I'm not retreating, Pat's tugging me off.

-LAUGHTER

0:50:370:50:40

-No, come on. We're better than that. Guys, seriously.

-Alan, wait!

0:50:400:50:44

By the way, there's an extra hostage. Meant to tell you that.

0:50:440:50:47

In a surprise development, DJ Alan Partridge

0:50:510:50:53

appeared outside the building, while tethered to a rope.

0:50:530:50:56

Footage of his address is already one of the most viewed YouTube videos

0:50:560:51:00

since "Fat Woman Falls Down Hole".

0:51:000:51:02

Mr Partridge, whose Facebook page

0:51:020:51:04

lists one of his interests as hand-to-hand combat,

0:51:040:51:07

has been acting as mediator between police and the hostage-taker, Pat Farrell.

0:51:070:51:11

As people around the world ask, who is Alan Partridge?

0:51:110:51:15

-ALAN:

-That was a majestic voice.

0:51:160:51:18

You can keep Jesus. As far as I'm concerned, Neil Diamond will always be King of the Jews.

0:51:180:51:23

You are listening to...

0:51:230:51:25

JINGLE: The partridge and the poacher.

0:51:250:51:28

SQUAWK AND GUNSHOT

0:51:280:51:29

And what I believe is a world first, I, Alan Partridge, a hostage,

0:51:290:51:33

broadcasting live from a siege at gunpoint.

0:51:330:51:37

Pure class, Alan.

0:51:370:51:38

And today, we'll be asking, what was better in the olden days?

0:51:380:51:42

OK, Pat, shoot. I mean, you know, start speaking.

0:51:420:51:45

-Terry in Necton.

-Egypt.

0:51:450:51:46

-I'm liking this.

-They used to build the pyramids,

0:51:460:51:49

now they can't get you a taxi to the airport.

0:51:490:51:51

Terry, I like the way you think. Please call again.

0:51:510:51:53

-Will do.

-Nicholas in Weybourne.

0:51:530:51:54

-Nurses were better in the old days.

-Bull's-eye.

0:51:540:51:57

They used to be these Florence Nightingale-type figures.

0:51:570:52:00

These days it's just, you know, short-haired women in trousers

0:52:000:52:03

washing their own hands at a sink.

0:52:030:52:04

Later on, I'll be asking which vegetable has the greatest torsional strength

0:52:040:52:08

ie, which can withstand the greatest twisting load before rupture?

0:52:080:52:11

-Caroline in Sprowston.

-Beards were better in the olden days.

0:52:110:52:14

-Love it.

-Sebastian in Holt.

0:52:140:52:16

-UK manufacturing.

-Good. Good, but dull.

0:52:160:52:18

-Paul in East Runton.

-Kill 'em all, Pat.

0:52:180:52:20

Shoot the women first.

0:52:200:52:21

We'll also be asking, have you ever met a genuinely clever bus driver?

0:52:210:52:26

I wonder what the listening figures are for this.

0:52:260:52:28

Yeah. Can you stop drumming?

0:52:280:52:30

OK. Time for fact of the day.

0:52:300:52:32

VOICEOVER: Fact of the day. Sponsored by Norfolk Dairies.

0:52:320:52:35

COWS MOO

0:52:350:52:36

-Cows don't have hymens.

-Absolutely correct.

0:52:360:52:39

Cows do not have hymens, just a partially opened cervix.

0:52:390:52:42

The time is 10:22.

0:52:420:52:44

Right now, to your muster stations. It's Bryan Ferry.

0:52:440:52:47

MUSIC: Let's Stick Together by Bryan Ferry

0:52:470:52:49

Ah...that was...that was er...

0:52:490:52:52

-Very good.

-Yeah. Radio gravy.

0:52:520:52:53

Wow.

0:52:530:52:55

I suppose you forget about the gun after a while, don't you?

0:52:550:52:58

-No, I don't.

-OK.

0:52:580:53:00

Good.

0:53:000:53:02

Lynn! Lynn Benfield, can we have a word?

0:53:080:53:11

Oh, Alan doesn't like me speaking to the press.

0:53:110:53:14

-We're not press. We're television.

-Well, I'm... I'm not really...

0:53:140:53:17

We've got hair and make-up.

0:53:170:53:19

Oh!

0:53:200:53:22

Back now to Norwich, where DJ Alan Partridge

0:53:220:53:25

-continues to bring news of the radio...

-Ah, Angela?

0:53:250:53:28

-Someone wants a word with you.

-Who?

0:53:280:53:31

Him.

0:53:310:53:32

Tensions on the Korean peninsula continue...

0:53:320:53:35

-Why?

-..following Kim Jongil...

0:53:350:53:37

-Oh...shit.

-CHANGES TV CHANNEL

0:53:370:53:39

-TV:

-Vegas, I was doing kind of...

0:53:390:53:41

SURFS CHANNELS

0:53:410:53:42

..for anyone's price range...

0:53:420:53:43

CONTINUES SURFING

0:53:430:53:45

..mounting tensions in North...

0:53:470:53:49

CONTINUES SURFING

0:53:490:53:50

RAPID SURFING

0:53:520:53:55

..erectile dysfunction...

0:54:020:54:04

CONTINUES SURFING

0:54:040:54:06

-Inside, Partridge seems unfazed...

-Ah, him.

0:54:070:54:10

-Me on TV. Good photo.

-He tried instead

0:54:100:54:12

to calm the gunman by joining him in the studio.

0:54:120:54:15

Yes, just your basic disabled loo.

0:54:150:54:17

You've got your lowered seat pan, back pad, high-vis grab bar, panic cord, lady bin.

0:54:170:54:22

Alan, calm down. You're being all hectic.

0:54:220:54:23

This is because you're on TV, isn't it? You're all puffed up like a robin.

0:54:230:54:27

It's like you can see in me.

0:54:270:54:29

Alan, you didn't bring me in here to talk about disabled toilet facilities, did you?

0:54:290:54:33

Yeah, I did. No, I didn't.

0:54:330:54:35

Oh, wow. Lynn, you look fantastic.

0:54:380:54:41

Good gracious.

0:54:450:54:47

WHISTLING

0:54:490:54:50

I'm sorry about the nasal whistle. It's when I'm anxious.

0:54:500:54:53

WHISTLING

0:54:530:54:55

WHISTLING STOPS

0:54:560:54:58

BOTH MOAN

0:54:580:55:00

You know... You know, "Shape - the way you want it to be"?

0:55:090:55:13

-Yeah?

-Your shape's the way I want it to be.

0:55:130:55:16

I'm on about your body.

0:55:160:55:17

-What might this be?

-That...is my damned todger.

0:55:200:55:24

And it's all the fault of a certain Miss Angela...

0:55:240:55:29

I'm sorry, I don't know your second name.

0:55:290:55:31

He's very brave. He was once feeding ducks in the park.

0:55:310:55:34

One took a peck at him and instead of retreating, he hit it with the back of his hand.

0:55:340:55:37

HE MOUTHS

0:55:370:55:40

TV: DJ Alan Partridge...

0:55:400:55:41

-Hi.

-You got time for a quick wawa?

0:55:410:55:43

-What?

-Quick wawa.

0:55:430:55:45

-Oh, you mean "wawa"?

-Yeah. Yeah.

0:55:460:55:48

-Sorry. You just did a different noise.

-Sorry.

0:55:480:55:50

Look...how are you feeling about this whole media circus? How you feeling?

0:55:500:55:54

Between you and me, pretty puffed up.

0:55:540:55:55

-Like an owl.

-Let's hope you're a wise one.

0:55:550:55:58

Nice. I pitched it up, you knocked it out of the park.

0:55:580:56:01

Synergy. Oh, no, that's lesbians.

0:56:010:56:03

Let me tell you something, Alan.

0:56:030:56:05

As far as the press is concerned, you are the face of this siege.

0:56:050:56:09

-I am siege face.

-Exactly.

0:56:100:56:12

After this, you'll get more offers than a whore at our Christmas party.

0:56:120:56:15

BOTH LAUGH

0:56:150:56:17

I like that. Yeah, I like that.

0:56:170:56:19

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:56:190:56:21

You'd know a thing or two about that, wouldn't you?

0:56:210:56:23

That would be... "Mmm-hmm," he says. That's a moustache.

0:56:230:56:27

Seriously, did you give her one?

0:56:270:56:28

Well, I...I gave her a ruddy big kiss she won't forget in a hurry.

0:56:280:56:32

Hand on the outside of the bra. Er...you know, reconnaissance.

0:56:320:56:35

And then I just held her in my arms because she told me she never knew her mother, and I said,

0:56:360:56:41

"Well, my mother raised me and lived to a ripe old age.

0:56:410:56:44

"But guess what? I never really knew HER."

0:56:440:56:48

Erm...and...

0:56:480:56:49

CLEARS THROAT

0:56:490:56:50

To get back on track, erm...

0:56:500:56:53

Yeah, I mean... Yeah, whoo!

0:56:530:56:55

-I like you.

-I like you.

0:56:550:56:57

He likes me, Lynn. Jason Tresswell likes me.

0:56:570:56:59

-Alan? Are you OK?

-I've got to be quick.

0:56:590:57:01

Pat thinks I've borrowed his phone to play Angry Birds.

0:57:010:57:04

-Of course. What is it?

-A computerised bird-throwing game.

0:57:040:57:06

-No, I meant...

-I'm joking, Lynn.

0:57:060:57:09

Enjoy me. Everyone else is.

0:57:090:57:11

Goredale Media think I'm some sort of Christ 2.0.

0:57:110:57:13

Do you know, I'm within a brair's headth of getting the breakfast show.

0:57:130:57:16

I'll call myself the Morning Rooster, or the Talking Cock.

0:57:160:57:19

-You're not thinking clearly.

-Yes, I am.

0:57:190:57:22

Lynn, I'll say this once and I'll say it again.

0:57:220:57:23

My career's getting a shot in the arm and if I can stay in here to the bitter end,

0:57:230:57:27

I will be the biggest thing to come out of Norwich since...Lord Nelson or Trisha.

0:57:270:57:31

Think about that and what that means.

0:57:310:57:33

Your priority is the welfare of the hostages.

0:57:330:57:35

Good, put that out as a press release and say I said it.

0:57:350:57:37

Alan, your ego's getting the better of you.

0:57:370:57:39

I've just got to stay alert and focused. I'm playing them like an oboe, Lynn.

0:57:390:57:43

How effed up is that?

0:57:430:57:45

-Alan? Alan?

-Oh...

0:57:460:57:48

HE GROANS

0:58:090:58:10

Ohh! Christ's sake.

0:58:100:58:11

Not now. Oh, God.

0:58:150:58:17

I'm caught on the latch.

0:58:180:58:20

HE GASPS

0:58:240:58:25

Oh, come on. Please.

0:58:330:58:35

Stop, armed police! Get your hands above your head.

0:58:440:58:47

-I've just got...

-Get your hands above your head!

0:58:470:58:50

-I want to get those trousers.

-Do it! Hands above your head.

0:58:500:58:53

-They're my trousers.

-Get your hands above your head now!

0:58:530:58:56

What are you doing? It's weird.

0:59:000:59:02

There are paparazzi all over the place

0:59:030:59:06

and I do not want them to get a photograph of my genitals.

0:59:060:59:08

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING

0:59:080:59:10

-Oh, come on!

-That's it, look at me.

0:59:100:59:13

And how were the hostages when you left?

0:59:200:59:23

-Crouched.

-I mean, what's their state of mind?

0:59:230:59:25

Oh. Er... If I'm honest, a bit moany. Yeah. Is someone writing this down?

0:59:250:59:29

-Yeah.

-Sorry. I thought you were some clothes.

0:59:290:59:31

Thanks for the forensic trousers, by the way.

0:59:310:59:34

-Could you just um...?

-Crikey. Yeah, sorry.

0:59:340:59:37

I was actually going to fashion a sort of makeshift modesty sporran

0:59:370:59:40

from the vacant arm flaps.

0:59:400:59:42

-CLEARS THROAT

-OK, I think we're done here.

0:59:460:59:50

Any chance of freshening up? I just need to wipe my face with a big hot towel.

0:59:500:59:53

Presumably you want to use me as part of your media strat?

0:59:530:59:56

No.

0:59:581:00:00

-Do you agree?

-100%.

1:00:001:00:01

Gotcha.

1:00:011:00:03

The police said you could do media interviews when the siege is over.

1:00:031:00:07

It will be too late then, Lynn. People move on.

1:00:071:00:09

Goredale Media will move on.

1:00:091:00:12

But you're still being talked about.

1:00:121:00:14

Only cos every time I look at the telly, they're showing a picture of my arse.

1:00:141:00:18

It's all right for you. Every other time I look, they show a picture of your face.

1:00:181:00:21

And then the next time surprise, surprise, my arse again.

1:00:211:00:24

I was only telling people about you.

1:00:241:00:26

You know, I was Goredale's golden goose, and now I'm just Partridge pie, with peas.

1:00:261:00:32

But why do you want to work for people like that?

1:00:321:00:34

-Goredale are bullies.

-Yeah. And what do you do with a bully?

1:00:341:00:37

You make friends with the bully, so they bully someone else.

1:00:371:00:40

-"What doth it profit a man..."

-Doth?

1:00:401:00:43

"..if he gains the whole world yet loses his soul?" Matthew, chapter eight...

1:00:431:00:47

Yeah, I know who wrote it. I'm not going to sell my soul, Lynn.

1:00:471:00:50

I want to, if you like, lend my soul to Goredale Media

1:00:501:00:55

on a long-term basis for cash.

1:00:551:00:57

It's a very different thing.

1:00:571:00:58

HE CROAKS

1:00:581:01:00

I don't know how you can look yourself in the eye.

1:01:031:01:05

I can't, Lynn. My nose is in the way.

1:01:051:01:07

You can talk, prattling away on every news bulletin.

1:01:071:01:09

I mean, who the heck do you think you are?

1:01:091:01:11

-I'm Lynn Benfield.

-You don't look like Lynn Benfield.

1:01:141:01:16

I mean, what has happened to you, with your attitude and your hair?

1:01:161:01:20

You've literally become a big head.

1:01:201:01:21

-I like it.

-I take no pleasure in saying this, Lynn,

1:01:221:01:25

but a lot of people think it looks like a photograph of an explosion.

1:01:251:01:28

I don't know if I want to work for a man like you.

1:01:301:01:32

I don't know that I want to employ someone who looks like a madam.

1:01:321:01:35

And I don't mean a Parisian one

1:01:351:01:36

I mean, one who lives in a terraced house behind a train station.

1:01:361:01:40

NASAL WHISTLE

1:01:461:01:48

Doors opening! Armed police! Armed police!

1:01:521:01:56

Oh, shut up, will you? Stop shouting.

1:01:561:01:59

-Easy, Pat. Mind the steps.

-I'm able to walk down steps, all right?

1:01:591:02:02

He means because the gun's against my head.

1:02:021:02:05

-Everybody has an opinion, huh?

-Hear, hear. Well said.

1:02:051:02:08

-Oh.

-Hi, Pat.

1:02:081:02:10

Hey, Alan. What happened? We were in the middle of a show,

1:02:101:02:13

and then your arse is all over the internet.

1:02:131:02:15

Looked like you had a turkey's head between your legs.

1:02:151:02:17

No, it didn't. No, it didn't. It doesn't have a beak.

1:02:171:02:20

And, yeah, I took an executive decision

1:02:201:02:22

to stow my cock and balls up against my backside.

1:02:221:02:24

I can't believe you left me with this nutcase.

1:02:241:02:27

Hang on a minute, you're the one with the gun.

1:02:271:02:29

-See? He's hilarious.

-He's solid. He's solid.

1:02:291:02:32

-Pizzas coming through now, Pat.

-Hey. Hey, hey. Hold on. Helmet off.

1:02:321:02:35

Oh, hello.

1:02:421:02:44

Actually, I want Alan to bring them in.

1:02:471:02:49

That might not be possible, Pat. Alan's not prepared to do that.

1:02:511:02:55

No... I am prepared to do that.

1:02:551:02:57

-It's not that simple.

-Do you want me to release some people?

1:02:571:02:59

Sure. Let's talk about that.

1:02:591:03:01

Alan, what do you reckon if I let the women go?

1:03:011:03:03

Yeah, let a couple of the women go. Maybe keep Angela.

1:03:031:03:07

-But her kids will be worried sick.

-She's got kids?

1:03:071:03:09

Yeah. Two boys, 14 and 15.

1:03:091:03:12

I believe they're a real handful.

1:03:131:03:15

Yeah, what was I thinking? Let all the women go.

1:03:151:03:17

Pat, give me five minutes with head office.

1:03:171:03:20

He's bringing them in now. Alan, come on.

1:03:201:03:22

-Top one.

-Top one.

1:03:221:03:24

-Yeah, yeah, cheers, guys. Top one.

-OK, come on, son.

1:03:241:03:28

Oh, shit.

1:03:291:03:31

Why did you say hello to that delivery guy?

1:03:341:03:37

Oh, him? No, he just reminded me of a man I know called Mike Cable,

1:03:371:03:42

who did my accounts from '97 to '98.

1:03:421:03:46

Actually, no - '99.

1:03:461:03:48

Till he stopped because his daughter was very ill.

1:03:481:03:50

Yeah, it was touch-and-go, actually.

1:03:501:03:52

He and Sandra were in bits, they had to cancel their holiday.

1:03:521:03:56

It was a fly-drive to Tuscany.

1:03:561:03:57

I must tell him, actually, that there's a policeman that looks just like him.

1:03:571:04:02

What's that?

1:04:021:04:03

Must tell Mike that there's a pizza man who looks just like him.

1:04:031:04:06

I'm famished.

1:04:071:04:09

-Ladies, you're free to go.

-What?

1:04:121:04:14

-Yep.

-God bless you, Pat.

1:04:141:04:16

See you. Bye.

1:04:161:04:17

I'll make you a home-made pizza when you get out.

1:04:171:04:19

Yeah, these pizzas are pretty good.

1:04:191:04:21

-Cinderella.

-Yeah, well...

1:04:231:04:25

No, hers was... That was a glass one, wasn't it?

1:04:251:04:28

DAVE: Here comes the Tin Man.

1:04:301:04:31

-Just trying to find your pizza.

-Well, just give me that one.

1:04:401:04:43

-Hm?

-That one.

1:04:451:04:46

-Which one?

-The top one!

1:04:461:04:48

Oh...

1:04:501:04:51

-I'll take the pizzas.

-Oh, yeah. Yeah.

1:04:511:04:53

-MICHAEL:

-Woo-ho, stuffed crust!

-Thanks for coming back, Alan.

1:04:571:05:00

-What are you doing?

-I'm just seeing how you'll look

1:05:031:05:05

on the billboard for when you start on The Breakfast Show.

1:05:051:05:08

-The Breakfast Show?

-Alan, can I have a word?

1:05:081:05:11

Yeah, sure. Just bringing the pizza cutter.

1:05:111:05:14

Right, how many do you want. Six or eight?

1:05:151:05:17

Oh, my God, that's a Taser!

1:05:171:05:19

This is no use, it's a pizza cutter. And that is not a pizza.

1:05:191:05:23

Thing is, how did it get there? Erm...

1:05:231:05:26

Unless the pizza company are running a competition in which you win a Taser.

1:05:261:05:30

That doesn't make sense, does it? Do you realise, it's the police?

1:05:301:05:33

The ruddy po... Do you know... They've got some brass neck for a bunch of coppers.

1:05:331:05:37

I'm actually really angry about that.

1:05:371:05:39

You should keep that as an extra weapon.

1:05:391:05:41

What kind of fool do you take me for, eh? I'm one step ahead of all of you.

1:05:411:05:45

And I'm just a step behind you, mate.

1:05:451:05:48

-Ooh.

-Never take your eye off the ball, Pat.

1:05:481:05:50

First rule of business.

1:05:501:05:52

Second rule of business, always be prepared for an opportunity

1:05:521:05:54

when it arises, like I was just then.

1:05:541:05:57

Yeah.

1:05:571:05:59

Course I wouldn't expect you to understand that. It's Darwinian.

1:05:591:06:02

-You're a runt.

-Is that what you think, Alan?

1:06:021:06:05

HE STRUMS

1:06:051:06:07

I wouldn't quite, you know, use those words.

1:06:071:06:09

Well, I think... I think...

1:06:091:06:12

The sort of the gist of what, you know...

1:06:121:06:14

I just don't like bullies.

1:06:141:06:15

-Um...can I take this off, please?

-Oh, yeah. Yeah, sure.

1:06:161:06:20

-No, I'm talking to him.

-Oh, for fuck's sake.

1:06:201:06:22

- Yeah, go ahead. - Thank you.

1:06:221:06:25

Are you all right?

1:06:251:06:27

Well, I was worried about the old head but I think I've got a handle on it.

1:06:271:06:30

- Very witty. - Alan's a smart cookie, Pat.

1:06:311:06:33

He's treated this whole crisis like a business opportunity.

1:06:351:06:38

He's taken a look around him and he's thought, "How can I make this work for me?"

1:06:381:06:44

-Well done, Alan.

-Cheers.

1:06:441:06:46

-Yeah, well done, Alan.

-Thank you.

1:06:461:06:49

You know, you and me, we've got something going here.

1:06:491:06:51

Pat might be a dinosaur, filling his show with chitchat and phone-ins like it's 1983,

1:06:511:06:56

but you're one of us.

1:06:561:06:57

You know radio's just business. You'll do well out of this.

1:06:571:07:00

And...I'll get you a glamorous assistant with big tits

1:07:001:07:03

to take over from that frumpy old cow you've got at the moment. HE LAUGHS

1:07:031:07:07

You know, Mrs fucking Doubtfire.

1:07:071:07:09

Danny, er... Jason gave me your breakfast show.

1:07:111:07:14

-Yeah.

-Is that true?

1:07:151:07:16

-Well...

-Twat.

1:07:161:07:18

JASON SCREAMS

1:07:181:07:20

Oh, my God.

1:07:201:07:22

Go! Go! Go!

1:07:221:07:24

ARMED POLICE!

1:07:271:07:28

Armed police! Everybody stay down!

1:07:281:07:30

-Stay down! Don't move! Don't move!

-Have you got any scissors?

1:07:301:07:34

Have you got any scissors?

1:07:341:07:36

Armed police! Armed police!

1:07:361:07:38

Studio's empty. Where's Farrell? Where's Partridge?

1:07:381:07:41

ENGINE REVS

1:07:411:07:42

LOUDSPEAKERS: # Roll out the barrel...

1:07:451:07:48

MUSIC CONTINUES

1:07:481:07:50

OFFICER: Get into position, get in front of that bus!

1:07:531:07:56

We got three on a bus. Three on a bus. I want a green light on a sniper now.

1:07:561:08:01

This cannot be happening.

1:08:011:08:03

Jeez, Alan. Look at this. Quite alarming, isn't it?

1:08:031:08:06

Er...I think... I think we'll be fine.

1:08:061:08:08

Thanks for doing this, Alan. I wanted to stick it to Goredale one more time.

1:08:081:08:11

I don't mind in the slightest, Pat. Goredale are tits.

1:08:111:08:15

Right, coppers, I've got nae tax, nae insurance, and I'm not wearing a seatbelt.

1:08:151:08:19

What are you going to do about it this time?

1:08:191:08:21

Start the car! Start the car! Let's go!

1:08:241:08:26

SIRENS WAIL

1:08:261:08:28

Right, let's give them some stick.

1:08:311:08:34

You're listening to Pat and Alan

1:08:341:08:36

with a message for the Goredale Medias of this world.

1:08:361:08:39

If you think you can take real DJs and turn them into radio robots,

1:08:391:08:43

think again, because we're going to get up in your face...

1:08:431:08:46

Great.

1:08:461:08:47

..with a big fat slice of roadshow radio right here, right now.

1:08:471:08:50

-The time is 1:27.

-PAT CHUCKLES

1:08:501:08:52

This is John Farnham and The Voice.

1:08:521:08:55

MUSIC: You're The Voice by John Farnham

1:08:551:08:57

Today we're asking, why do people keep their eggs in the fridge?

1:09:041:09:07

Once again, why do people INSIST on keeping their eggs in the fridge?

1:09:071:09:11

And can a binman reasonably expect a Christmas tip

1:09:111:09:15

when he has point-blank refused to dispose of a broken toaster?

1:09:151:09:19

-Good question!

-And that can be today's large question.

1:09:191:09:22

ECHOING VOICES: Large question.

1:09:221:09:25

Oh, and we have some travel news. There's slow-moving traffic on the A149.

1:09:251:09:30

That'll be due to wacky blokes on a big yellow bus.

1:09:301:09:33

BOTH LAUGH

1:09:331:09:35

It's competition time, and we 're playing pairs.

1:09:351:09:37

-Sid on line two. Black and...

-Decker.

1:09:371:09:39

-Spick and...

-Span.

1:09:391:09:40

-Hall and...

-Oates.

1:09:401:09:42

-Egg and...

-Bacon.

1:09:421:09:43

Oh, it was gammon!

1:09:431:09:44

SID: Can I just say, I think Goredale are awful.

1:09:441:09:46

Yeah, they are bastards.

1:09:461:09:48

That's why I've washed my hands of them. You know what I always say?

1:09:481:09:50

I always say, "What doth it profit a man if he gain the whole world yet lose his soul?"

1:09:501:09:57

And people seem to like that. They really do.

1:09:571:09:59

# You're the voice, try and understand it

1:10:051:10:08

# Make a noise and make it clear

1:10:081:10:10

# Whoa, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh

1:10:101:10:13

# Whoa-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh, oh!

1:10:131:10:16

# We're not gonna sit in silence We're not gonna live with fear

1:10:161:10:21

# Whoa-oh, oh, oh, oh, oh-oh... #

1:10:211:10:24

It looks like you've touched a nerve, Pat.

1:10:241:10:26

These are my listeners, Alan, ordinary working people.

1:10:261:10:29

They're not working, it's the middle of the day. Unless they're on flexitime.

1:10:291:10:33

Oh, look. I used to live in one of those after my divorce.

1:10:331:10:37

TV, kitchen - very nice.

1:10:371:10:40

Hey, people, I'm looking at a picture of Goredale Media.

1:10:401:10:43

Honestly, look at that bunch of corporate mercenaries.

1:10:431:10:46

What's wrong with doing radio for the love of radio?

1:10:461:10:49

They would do anything for 30 pieces of silver.

1:10:491:10:52

You're listening to the Pat and Alan Show. Radio for the love of radio.

1:10:531:10:57

AD MAN: Sponsored by Castrol.

1:10:571:10:59

SPEEDING CAR EFFECT

1:10:591:11:00

Just going to use the loo.

1:11:011:11:03

SIRENS BLARE

1:11:141:11:15

-Alan?

-Hi!

1:11:181:11:20

Alan, I want to talk to you.

1:11:201:11:23

Alan?

1:11:231:11:24

CLATTERING AND THUDDING

1:11:241:11:26

NASAL WHISTLING

1:11:371:11:39

Oh, hi, Pat.

1:11:471:11:49

Alan, how did you even get in there?

1:11:491:11:51

Um...I just removed an aluminium panel. Slid straight in.

1:11:511:11:55

-Er...textbook. It's good, isn't it?

-Your voice sounds funny.

1:11:551:11:59

I think the conical shape of the toilet's turned it into a sort of a compact amphitheatre.

1:11:591:12:03

-It's weird.

-It is, Pat. It's bizarre.

1:12:031:12:06

It is and was a failed escape attempt, a sort of a Shitshank Redemption, if you will.

1:12:061:12:11

Ah. The Armitage Shank Redemption, eh?

1:12:111:12:14

Ha-ha-ha, ha-ha! I'm laughing like a drain and I'm in one.

1:12:141:12:17

Shake hands, Pat. Friends. Friends, Pat, friends.

1:12:171:12:20

Friends? I know what you did, you fucking snake.

1:12:201:12:24

"Just sack Pat." Huh?

1:12:241:12:26

-You're as bad as the rest of them.

-Pat, be reasonable.

1:12:261:12:28

Before you think of shooting anyone, just for a second think,

1:12:281:12:31

what would drive a man to incarcerate himself in a septic tank? It's pathetic.

1:12:311:12:35

-I'm not going to shoot you.

-Thank God for that.

-That's good news.

1:12:361:12:40

Sweet mother of God, no.

1:12:421:12:43

Oh, angels and saints preserve us!

1:12:431:12:45

Dear God, let them be firm!

1:12:451:12:47

CRASHING

1:12:471:12:49

Help!

1:12:501:12:52

Stop the bus!

1:12:531:12:54

TYRES SCREECH

1:12:541:12:55

-What's that?

-It's a septic tank. You can have it.

1:12:551:12:58

SIRENS WAIL

1:13:011:13:03

PELLET FIRES

1:13:361:13:38

Oh...not again!

1:13:381:13:40

Damn gypsies tampered with the sights.

1:13:431:13:45

Trust me, Susan.

1:13:531:13:56

PELLET FIRES

1:13:561:13:57

Ow! Jesus!

1:13:571:13:58

Suspect is on Cromer...

1:14:021:14:04

You're a fucking clown, Alan.

1:14:431:14:46

Ah. Hi, Pat.

1:14:461:14:48

I trusted you, Alan. I thought we were friends.

1:14:501:14:53

-But you let me down.

-Well, I...

1:14:531:14:55

-You got me sacked.

-Over here! Pat!

1:14:551:14:58

Look!

1:14:581:14:59

Oh, shit!

1:15:001:15:01

SPLASH

1:15:011:15:03

What was that?

1:15:041:15:05

I think it was supposed to be some sort of distraction. Yeah.

1:15:051:15:09

-Brave but pointless.

-Excuse me?

1:15:091:15:11

Oh, God, get back inside. Quick, now!

1:15:111:15:13

-We want to get down there.

-Do you mind?

-This is an armed standoff.

1:15:131:15:16

-Where were we?

-I got you sacked.

1:15:161:15:17

-Yeah, you let me down.

-Pat, listen to me.

1:15:171:15:20

-I've got this.

-Pardon?

1:15:201:15:21

-I said, I've got this.

-How long is it going to go on for?

1:15:211:15:23

-Shut up!

-He's telling you to shut up.

1:15:231:15:25

-GARBLED: Calm down.

-Didn't get that.

1:15:251:15:27

-Too close to your mouth.

-Calm down.

1:15:271:15:29

-It's too close to your mouth!

-Did you get that?

1:15:291:15:31

What?

1:15:311:15:32

She's saying, if you put your air rifles back, you won't be in too much trouble.

1:15:321:15:36

-This is a shotgun.

-This is an air rifle. That's a shotgun.

1:15:361:15:39

We'll leave you to it.

1:15:391:15:41

I surrender.

1:15:411:15:43

Pat?

1:15:511:15:53

Pat?

1:15:551:15:57

-I brought Molly to this pier.

-Happy times.

1:15:571:16:01

I scattered her ashes here.

1:16:011:16:02

Ah.

1:16:021:16:04

Buried at sea.

1:16:041:16:07

Like Bin Laden.

1:16:071:16:10

And now here we are.

1:16:101:16:12

The circle of life.

1:16:131:16:15

Cirque du Soleil.

1:16:151:16:17

Turn your head away.

1:16:201:16:22

OK, let's calm down.

1:16:221:16:23

-Pat, come on.

-Turn your head away.

1:16:231:16:25

-Pat, listen to me...

-Pat, you're scaring me.

1:16:251:16:27

-I won't ask again.

-Pat, I need you to stay calm.

1:16:271:16:29

Turn your head away.

1:16:291:16:32

# Maybe I didn't love you, quite as often as I could have... #

1:16:341:16:41

What are you doing?

1:16:411:16:42

# Maybe I didn't treat you, quite as good as I should have... #

1:16:421:16:50

Stop it!

1:16:501:16:52

# And if I made you feel second best

1:16:521:16:56

# Girl, I'm sorry I was blind

1:16:561:17:00

# But you were always on my mind

1:17:011:17:05

# You were always on my mind

1:17:061:17:11

-# Maybe I... #

-Pat, are you ready to...

1:17:131:17:16

Shut up, you dick!

1:17:161:17:17

Pat, what are you doing?

1:17:201:17:21

-MUFFLED:

-I want to be with Molly.

1:17:211:17:23

What?

1:17:231:17:24

I want to be with Molly.

1:17:261:17:28

-Pat, don't do this.

-MARTIN: Pat, don't do this!

1:17:291:17:31

Unbelievable.

1:17:311:17:33

-I can't reach the trigger.

-Pat, come on.

1:17:331:17:36

Would you do it for me?

1:17:401:17:42

Yeah, course I will, mate.

1:17:431:17:46

Course I will.

1:17:471:17:49

It's over, Pat.

1:17:511:17:53

No more hurting.

1:17:551:17:57

Ow!

1:17:571:17:58

-GUNSHOT

-Aaargh!

1:17:581:18:01

You fucking idiot!

1:18:011:18:03

Shit.

1:18:051:18:06

-Stay with me, Alan. Stay with me.

-They've blown me to bits, Lynn.

1:18:071:18:11

I feel cold.

1:18:111:18:13

It's all right, Alan. God is with us.

1:18:141:18:17

We had some mad times, didn't we, Lynn?

1:18:171:18:19

There's some blood coming from my mouth, Lynn.

1:18:201:18:24

-It's just spit.

-Is it? Oh, yeah.

1:18:241:18:27

-Alan, I'm really sorry.

-It's all right, Pat.

1:18:271:18:29

-You've still got the gun!

-Aargh!

1:18:291:18:32

Was I a good man, Lynn? Was I a kind man?

1:18:341:18:37

Very kind.

1:18:371:18:39

I remember when you were defrosting your freezer and you gave me all that bacon.

1:18:391:18:44

-I'm ready, Lynn.

-GULL CRIES

1:18:441:18:46

I think I'm ready.

1:18:461:18:47

WINGS FLUTTERING

1:18:471:18:49

Oh. Hello, Mr Seagull.

1:18:491:18:51

Have you come to take my spirit away?

1:18:511:18:53

GULL CRIES

1:18:531:18:55

Go, gull!

1:18:551:18:56

Gull...gull...gull.

1:18:581:19:01

HOLY MUSIC

1:19:031:19:05

-What are you doing?

-I'm watching it fly off.

1:19:211:19:23

It's weird, Lynn. Yours will be the last face I ever see.

1:19:251:19:29

-Oh, good.

-Hi there. You're going to be OK.

1:19:301:19:32

-I've been shot in the heart.

-Your heart's there. That's your shoulder.

1:19:321:19:36

No, that...that's my heart. Ow!

1:19:361:19:38

-Can I have my job back now?

-Yeah, if you want.

1:19:381:19:40

MUSIC: Always On My Mind by Willie Nelson

1:19:411:19:44

SHE CHUCKLES

1:19:441:19:47

# Maybe I didn't love you... #

1:19:471:19:50

How long have you been a paramedic?

1:19:501:19:52

-About four years.

-Right.

1:19:521:19:54

And do you start in St John's Ambulance and then work your way up

1:19:541:19:57

or are they separate organisations?

1:19:571:19:59

-They're separate...

-She can answer for herself, Lynn.

1:19:591:20:01

-They are separate organisations.

-Right.

1:20:011:20:04

-Are you courting?

-Well...

1:20:041:20:06

Not you, Lynn!

1:20:061:20:07

JINGLE: North Norfolk Digital - North Norfolk's best music mix.

1:20:071:20:11

-ALAN:

-We've had a letter from Louise in Thetford,

1:20:111:20:13

who says, "I'm sick to the back teeth of people poking fun at garden gnomes.

1:20:131:20:18

"They may be small and strange-faced,

1:20:181:20:20

"but they bring a lot of pleasure to a lot of people."

1:20:201:20:22

Now, that's a letter, once upon a time I would have found offensively dull.

1:20:221:20:25

-Yeah.

-Not now.

1:20:251:20:27

So maybe everything that happened has changed you.

1:20:271:20:29

I think I have changed a little bit.

1:20:291:20:31

Well, for my part, I was a bit worried about my head...

1:20:311:20:34

-Here we go.

-But um...

1:20:341:20:35

-I think I've got a handle on it now.

-Oh, yeah, that's a good joke.

1:20:351:20:39

You've used that joke about three or four times now.

1:20:391:20:42

-I don't know if you're aware of that.

-I use it too much?

1:20:421:20:44

I wouldn't say that. I just think we're in that area and...you know.

1:20:441:20:47

-What about the hat?

-Good for the bin, I reckon.

1:20:471:20:50

-Lose it?

-Yeah.

1:20:501:20:52

But I think, like you say, you're coming on leaps and bounds...

1:20:521:20:54

and I think, 12 months' time,

1:20:541:20:56

you'll probably have forgotten there ever was a siege.

1:20:561:20:58

-What siege?

-Er...exactly. That's good.

1:20:581:21:01

-You haven't really forgotten?

-No.

1:21:011:21:03

OK, time now for our weekly phone call with incarcerated DJ Pat Farrell.

1:21:031:21:08

-It's...

-# Ring-ring from Sing Sing!

1:21:081:21:11

CELL DOOR CLANGS SHUT

1:21:111:21:12

Hello, Pat. Wagwan!

1:21:121:21:14

Er... Hi, Alan.

1:21:141:21:16

OK, this week's question comes from Sue, a dental hygienist from Grantham.

1:21:161:21:19

She asks, "Prison time is often referred to as porridge

1:21:191:21:22

"but do they actually serve porridge? And if so, is it compulsory?"

1:21:221:21:27

Yeah, they serve porridge but you can have other things.

1:21:271:21:30

Thanks, Pat. We'll have another question for you next week, until then...

1:21:301:21:34

JINGLE: Keep your nose clean, boy.

1:21:341:21:36

PAT SIGHS

1:21:361:21:37

MUSIC: The Number One Song in Heaven by Sparks

1:21:401:21:42

# It's number one all over heaven

1:21:461:21:49

# It's number one all over heaven

1:21:491:21:52

# It's number one all over heaven

1:21:521:21:55

# The number one song all over heaven

1:21:551:21:59

# If you should die before you awake

1:21:591:22:03

# If you should die while crossing the street

1:22:051:22:09

# The song that you'll hear, I guarantee... #

1:22:111:22:14

-ALAN:

-Colby, Philip? If you guys don't dig the sounds,

1:22:171:22:19

sling us your pod, I'll dock it.

1:22:191:22:22

You won't like it.

1:22:221:22:24

Guys, I dig a lot of stuff.

1:22:241:22:27

A good beat's a good beat.

1:22:271:22:29

MUSIC: All The Wrong Places by Example

1:22:291:22:31

# All the wrong places

1:22:331:22:35

-MUSIC OFF

-Sorry, not listening to that.

1:22:371:22:39

# It's number one all over heaven

1:22:391:22:42

# It's number one all over heaven

1:22:421:22:45

# It's number one all over heaven

1:22:451:22:48

# The number one song all over heaven

1:22:481:22:51

# The song filters down, down through the clouds

1:22:511:22:55

# It reaches the earth and winds all around

1:22:581:23:01

# And then it breaks up in millions of ways

1:23:041:23:07

# It goes la, la, la, la, la, la, la la

1:23:091:23:12

# La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

1:23:121:23:15

# La, la, la la, la, la, la, la

1:23:151:23:18

# La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la

1:23:181:23:22

# Whoo, in cars it becomes a hit...

1:23:221:23:26

-ALAN:

-For God's sake, if it's that important...

1:23:291:23:31

MUSIC RESUMES: All The Wrong Places by Example

1:23:311:23:33

# Toe to toe

1:23:331:23:35

# We all stand tall

1:23:351:23:39

# Row by row

1:23:391:23:41

# All eyes glow

1:23:421:23:45

# Like a rabbit in the headlights

1:23:451:23:48

# Get your head right

1:23:481:23:50

# Start a new life Shiver in the moonlight

1:23:501:23:53

# You must embrace it cos if not you'll waste it

1:23:531:23:56

# You're looking for love in all the wrong places

1:23:561:23:59

# All the wrong places... #

1:24:041:24:06

-MUSIC OFF

-Sorry, that is awful.

1:24:101:24:13

MUSIC RESUMES: The Number One Song in Heaven by Example

1:24:131:24:17

# Ooh, la, la, la, la, la... #

1:24:171:24:20