Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa

This film contains strong language.

WAVES LAP

MUSIC: Koyaanisqatsi by Philip Glass

CHANTING

GULLS CRY

# Koyaanisqatsi

# Koyaanisqatsi... #

ALAN IMPROVISES

ALAN HUMS

That music was very foreboding. It's made a shiver go down my spine.

-That'll be the air-conditioning.

-I would've taken it off sooner

but I was having a fascinating conversation with the proud father

of Norfolk's most sun-tanned child.

Just passed his details on to the Social Services.

The time is 11:59 and 55 seconds.

-It's midday.

-Well, no... Well, yeah, it is now.

You're listening to Mid-Morning Matters.

-JINGLE

-Mid-Morning Matters with Alan Partridge.

Music and chat for the Norfolk generation.

KEYBOARD FLOURISH

Sorry, it's the other way.

Later, we'll be taking dedications

for anyone wrongly turned down for planning permission.

Also, I'll be asking - which is the worst monger?

Fish, iron, rumour or war? Pretty clear, that one.

Now it's time for today's large question.

ECHOING CHANT: Large question.

It's the near future.

An unprovoked chemical attack from France, or possibly China,

has left us without a sense of smell.

In a whiff-free world, what smell would you miss the most?

-Tom in Diss?

-Petrol.

Nice. Wrongly referred to by the Americans as "gas".

It's petrol, not gas.

-Dominic in Castle Acre?

-Money.

-HE SNIFFS

-Yep. Joe in Holt?

-My wife's nightie.

-You kinky get.

-Saucy sod.

-She died, you see.

-Smells matter.

-They do.

Hey, Greg.

This is a great station, a real cracker.

Yeah. Hi, Pat. Um...this is Jason Tresswell.

-Managing Director of...

-Goredale Media.

Our new owners, huh? I googled you on Yahoo.

That's Pat Farrell. Does week nights, 10-12.

Sleepy-time slot.

-So, are you on your way out?

-You tell me.

-ALAN:

-Gillian writes to ask -

is it true you're being taken over by a bunch of corporate whores?

Er...Gillian, I'm 99% certain that's not true.

We've got a text here from Joy in Diss who says -

An easy way to solve the problems in Israel...

-A thorny issue.

-..would be for Judaism and Islam to merge.

Wouldn't hold your breath.

-They both hate pigs.

-True enough.

You could call it Jislam.

I think you can go in circles, can't you, trying to think of names for something?

Even, er...a cat.

Well, nettles cause 'em, dock leaves cure 'em.

It's a sting. It's Sting.

MUSIC: Roxanne by The Police

-Sorry.

-Never, never criticise Muslims.

Only, only Christians. And Jews a little bit.

Alan, it's started. They're here.

We're being taken over.

So?

# Roxanne

# You don't have to put on the red light

# Those days are over

# You don't have to sell your body to the night... #

ALAN SINGING

Hello?

Are you in the business centre?

# Coconut, everybody

# Like de coconut

# Coconut, coconut... #

SHE LAUGHS

# Coconut, coconut... #

Oh, hello, Lynn. Just reading about how ospreys died out in Britain

and had to be reintroduced from Scandinavia in the early '90s.

Now I think there are almost 500 of them.

HE TYPES

Yeah. 480.

It shows we should treasure and value our wildlife.

So, what you got, girl?

Well, the butchers want you to do another voiceover.

"Bannan's the Butcher's.

"Yesterday's meat at today's prices."

You've had the mayor of Hickling get in touch.

He listens to your show and wants to offer you the freedom of the village.

-It doesn't even have a post office.

-They give you a big key.

-How big?

-That big.

Tell him I accept.

MESSAGE ALERT

Everything seems to be tugging along nicely.

Everything OK, Alan?

Michael's just sent a text saying he hasn't bought toilet paper in 18 months.

-How does he...?

-He steals it from a pub.

-Oh.

-That's a relief.

Shared a bag of salty popcorn with him last week.

# Roll out the barrel... # Hi, I'm Pat Farrell.

Join me tonight at ten, for a hearty casserole of tunes, cheer and chinwag.

Local folk trio Will-o'-the-wisp will be playing live in the studio,

and I'll be taking your calls on my ever popular fireside phone-in.

Don't miss it.

OK, for those who haven't slipped into a coma,

you are listening to the Breakfast Show with Danny Sinclair and these muppets.

WHOOPING

-How we feeling this morning, guys?

-Better than you, by the look of things.

-I had it large. I got on it.

-Take it easy tonight, then.

I would but we've got the launch tonight.

North Norfolk Digital are changing their name to...

Shape - The Way You Want It To Be.

ELECTRONIC JINGLE: # Shape the way you want it to be

Coming up next, Alan Partridge. God bless him, how old is he?

-60 or something.

-Got to be, hasn't he?

55.

Alan, we love you, mate. We love you really.

This one's for you, if you're listening.

It's Roachford.

MUSIC: Cuddly Toy by Roachford

MIMING: # Well, I don't pour out my heart like this to everyone

# Not anyone that I meet

# And I know it ain't the wine, cos I feel just fine

# Can't you see, baby?

# I'm still on my feet

# Oh, but a cuddly toy

# That's my only joy waiting for me when I get home, yeah

# And what I need is a girl like you

# All I need, yeah, to call my very own

# So you gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby

# Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby

# Girl, you gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby

# Oh, gimme some love

# Come on, now... #

Your fog lamps are on.

Your fog lamps are on. There's no fog.

There's no fog.

No fog.

# Oh, a cuddly toy

# That's my only joy

# Waiting for me when I get home

# Nana

# And what I need

# Is a girl like you

# Just to call, call my very own

# So, you gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby

# Yeah, you gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby

# You gotta feel for me, baby Feel for me, baby

# Oh, gimme some love... #

-ALARM BEEPS

-Love that noise.

Michael, do it outside.

-Morning, Michael.

-Morning, Mr Partridge.

-Paper.

-I was doing a fist bump.

-You would say that now you've lost.

-It's instead of a handshake.

Some people say it's more hygienic than a handshake.

But who's to say you can't get shit on your fist?

-Did you hear him making fun of you?

-I did, but as Oscar Wilde said,

"There's only one thing worse than being talked about."

-Cancer.

-No. "Not being talked about."

Oscar Wilde said that's worse than cancer?

Yeah. I think he was at a party.

Probably just being a gay show-off.

# Shape, Shape, Shape... #

Do you know what I really like? I like waking up in the morning, breathing in the air and er...

actually realising I've made it through the night and I haven't wet the bed.

No, I am joking, obviously, but er...

they were, of course, very, very dark days indeed.

But they're all behind me now.

-Morning, Angela.

-Morning, Alan.

'Alan Partridge has just walked into the building.'

Walking and talking, like The West Wing.

-'Hope he hasn't hurt himself!'

-"Mr President, we have a code red."

-I've never seen the show.

-No, me neither.

Corner coming up.

You never know what's round the corner.

More corners, usually.

Imagine a world without corners.

No-one would be able to cut any. Everyone would be going round in circles.

HE SIGHS

Wow.

I enjoyed that.

'I will tell you one thing.

'When I was going through my bad times,'

I found Norfolk was perhaps maybe not the place to be and...

just-just because it's so flat and there was a sort of a...

a bleakness about the place, but obviously now...

You're a good broadcaster, Alan. Don't forget that.

-I wasn't planning to, Pat.

-You seen this memo?

"Exciting new phase. Here's to the future."

-My days are numbered.

-No-one's getting sacked.

It's like Bobby Brushes, the caretaker, when the swimming pool allegations came out.

-He was in bits.

-Yeah.

It turned out he was just helping those lads towel off. He was being nice.

-He didn't even know them.

-Yeah, but where is he now?

-He runs his own business.

-There. He's back on his feet.

Rents out bouncy castles.

For adults, yeah?

-Look at this memo.

-I've seen the memo. It's quite simple.

Goredale Media are simply reimagining our core brand values

and giving it a name more fitting to multi-platform content delivery.

-They're people people.

-People people sack people.

No, Pat. People sack people. People people please people.

-Can you have a word with them, Alan?

-Would you?

Er...sure. As soon as I can get them all in the same room together.

-They're all up in the boardroom now.

-That's great.

Thank you. Thank you, Alan. You're a pal.

Well, pals is pals.

If we're all looking at the last quarterly figures for North Norfolk on page 6.

Then if you turn to page 5.

KNOCKING

Hi, guys, don't want to be an agenda-bender, but any chance of a wawa?

-It's not a good time, Alan.

-It's fine, we've time. Come in.

Oh, we moved the other thing. Yeah, it's a good time.

Alan, Alan Partridge.

Jason Tresswell, MD of Goredale Media.

It's not "Alan Alan Partridge". It's "Alan, comma, Alan Partridge".

I know some people do have two names.

Zsa Zsa Gabor, for instance.

Duran Duran.

Yeah, that's not as good.

Um... Kris Kristofferson.

Excellent small talk. Gentlemen, to business.

I am here as one of the more senior D-jocks at this station.

I'm here to talk about jobs.

Like a Nazi officer this, isn't it?

Should er...snap my heels together.

-Achtung!

-Guten Tag.

Silence! Sorry. I meant to miss you.

I want you to do something for me.

I want you to take all your prejudices, put them in a box marked "prejudices",

put it to one side, wipe the prejudice juice off your hands...

Can I just stop you there? Change is healthy, you shouldn't fear it.

I'm not scared of anything. Not even an elephant,

which is interesting, because there's one in this room.

-Want to know his name?

-> Pat Farrell.

It's Pat Farrell. Pat's audience is old.

Old people, much like dogs, are blindly loyal.

And if Pat hightails it to Cedar FM and they follow,

you've got a grey exodus on your hands. A grexodus.

Hm. That prejudices box doesn't seem quite so cool any more, does it?

Yeah, but we bought Cedar FM as well.

I didn't know that. I did not know that.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

-The point is...

-You were talking about Pat Farrell.

Pat Farrell is a great guy.

He's always the first to speak up at union meetings,

being a member of a union.

He's also Irish, which again, weirdly, a plus point, if you like swearing.

He's often on his show - "Feckin' dis" and "Feckin' dat".

Some Irish people say "Feck off" isn't as bad as "Fuck off",

but I think that's bullshit or bellshit.

-The bottom line is, he swears too much.

-This is all very interesting...

I can sum up Pat Farrell in ten words.

Pat isn't very good so let him go, guys, seriously.

I can condense that to three words.

Just sack Pat.

That completes my presentation.

Gentlemen, I'll leave you to your biscuits.

HE PANTS

Gloves.

(Oh, fuck.)

Glove.

# Shape

# The way you want it to be... #

Ahhh! That was soft rock cocaine enthusiasts, Fleetwood Mac.

And this was Mid-Morning Matters.

Where once again,

-mid-morning...

-Mattered.

-Mattered.

Supposed to do it in sync.

-Always leave a gap.

-Sorry.

Simple. Very simple.

You're listening to Shape - The Way You Want It To Be.

Mm-hm. Right. And will it take long?

It will take long. OK. Hi, Pat. I'll catch you later.

-I'm not happy about it, but...

-MOBILE RINGTONE

I'll just have to go along with it, won't I?

RINGTONE STOPS

The... The-the problem is that the phone rings even when I'm speaking on it,

so it sounds bloody weird.

HE SNORTS

In fact, I think it just did it then. Did you hear it? Yes?

Yeah. He heard it too.

OK, well, I'll leave it with you.

Mm-hm. Yep.

Yep.

All right. Thanks, Susan.

If Geoff Susan doesn't mend that phone, there'll be hell to pay.

They wouldn't even let me say goodbye to my listeners.

Just gave me 30 minutes to clear out my locker.

Well, at least I'm getting their mugs dirty.

Thanks, Alan. You always stuck up for me.

Not like the others.

Well, I'll let you get back to...Geoff.

-Who's Geoff?

-Geoff Susan.

Oh, yes, of course.

BUZZING

Ahhhhh... I did the right thing, didn't I, Lynn?

I mean, I think he knew his days were numbered.

More of an assisted suicide, really.

I just flew him to Switzerland and filled out a few forms and...

sloped off to the airport.

I've got to be honest, Lynn, I'm feeling pretty crummy.

Pat's Irish, isn't he?

To be sure.

Why don't you donate £50 to Sinn Fein?

Perfect.

-ALARM BEEPS

-Love that noise.

Keep me away from the sausage rolls.

I'm wearing my chubby clothes again.

I noticed. What, the chub, or the clothes?

-My pad!

-My pad.

-SHE GIGGLES

-Not that funny, Lynn.

MUSIC: Bounce by Calvin Harris

CHATTER

-I used to go with prostitutes.

-Brilliant.

Cocaine - that was a trigger. Cocaine, prostitutes.

Bit of a cycle. Puking up the old... luminous green bile.

Yeah, I was withdrawing.

THEY LAUGH HEARTILY

I've got my minder with me.

-Lynn?

-She might not seem tough,

but I once saw her stamp on 50 cockroaches in a minute.

He didn't see. He was in the next room.

-It was in Wales.

-It's true, yeah.

All I could hear was crunch, crunch, crunch, stamp, stamp, stamp.

I thought she was country dancing whilst eating cereal.

I thought it was the End of Days. They were legion.

Lynn likes The Bible.

I've never understood moths.

They only come out at night, yet they're attracted to the light.

I don't know why they just don't come out during the day.

I've nothing to add to that. If you substituted butterfly...

Could you go and get me some sausage rolls?

If you substituted butterfly for moth, I think it would sound like poetry, yeah.

Unfortunately, Wordsworth didn't say -

"I wandered lonely as a moth to eat some jumpers in a drawer."

"As if that wasn't bad enough, it ate my sock upon the moor."

HE SIGHS AND CLICKS TONGUE

Yeah. It's just... I don't know why a sock could be on the moor.

A mitten, maybe.

I actually spewed up some of my stomach lining.

I don't know if you've ever done er...done any horse, have you?

-I've ridden a donkey.

-No, no, no, I mean heroin.

I know what you mean. No, I've not done heroin.

-I don't like subtitles in my films.

-If you can read, read a book.

Citizen Kane - black and white. I haven't seen that.

I tell you what, the best film for me, ever, is still The Godfather.

-Ah, amazing film.

-Perfect film.

"I'm going to make him an offer he can't refuse."

-Amazing acting, though.

-Great acting.

I tell you what's even better,

a lot of people are shocked when I say this - the camera angles.

Alan, I need a word.

> Camera angles?

It's rather delicate.

Remember when you took me for that Christmas meal at the ice rink?

You remember that woman disinfecting the boots?

The one that took a shine to you?

I went home and you and her...

Well, it's...none of my business.

It is none of your business, but for the record, went back to her place,

watched Air Crash Investigation, then I fell asleep in her big armchair.

A perfectly normal woman.

Well, she's here.

Lynn, get rid of her. She's a drunk racist.

-I'll tolerate one, but not both.

-Fine.

But you said I could pop by any time.

I know, but my career's hanging by a thread.

-And I'm an embarrassment, am I?

-No, no.

You just wanted sex, you used me.

Well, maybe you used me.

I-I didn't have much of a say over what went on that night.

Didn't hear you complaining.

-I couldn't speak.

-See you round mine again, then.

I...don't know, I'm... I'm...

-What's wrong with my place?

-Well...all those dogs barking.

But it's their bedroom too.

May I have a word?

-BETTIE:

-You're talking clap... crap!

I sound like a fucking Chinky when I'm pissed!

BANGS AND SCREAMS

There we go. All done.

-What did you say to her?

-I told her that God loves everyone...

even sluts.

-Goodnight, Lynn.

-Night, Alan.

MUSIC CONTINUES

Hello?

V funny. Tee-hee.

Very impressive.

Oh, they must have left in a hurry. Something weird's happened.

HE SIGHS

All right, you freaked me out, so just... Pack it...

There you are!

Pat? Agh!

GUNSHOT

I'm down.

MAN GRUNTS

You...

You step to me?

Simon!

HE GROANS

Er...

Yeah, all right. I'll go on without you.

HE GRUNTS

HE PANTS

Stop! Stop! Stop!

TYRES SCREECH

-I need to commandeer this vehicle.

-WOMAN: What?

There's a mad man with a gun. Um...

-He's Irish!

-Get in.

Why do you sit so close to the wheel? I could steer with my balls!

-Where's the nearest police station?

-Just here.

Oh...thanks.

Are you Alan Partrid...?

Assault, battery, kidnap, chronic thuggery,

brandishment, actual bodily harm, grievous bodily harm...

-harm.

-Just stick to what you saw

and we'll decide if it's ABH or GBH.

-You mean aitch?

-That's what I said.

Nearly, you said haitch.

"Ha" is the sound of the letter, aitch is its name.

One is ha, the other is aitch. Neither is "haitch".

-I'm sorry, I'm a bit nervous.

-Mr Partridge?

-There's something else we need to talk about.

-Oh...

-You're not in trouble.

-Oh, fine.

I've never been in a police car before.

May I lower the window, please?

POLICE RADIO: Foxtrot Sierra. Alpha Papa arriving at the school building.

-Officer.

-Mr Partridge.

-You were at the police station.

-I was just in the car with you.

-If you want to follow me, please.

-Huh.

-This way, please, sir.

-Yep.

Let's do it.

Mr Partridge, this is the Gold Commander of the operation.

ALAN CHUCKLES

-Seriously, is that what you're called?

-On this operation, yes.

I'm Acting Chief Constable Janet Whitehead.

-An honour.

-And I'm Martin Fitch...

Send.

..from Scotland Yard's Hostage and Crisis Unit.

Here to lead the negotiation.

Er...little bit awkward. Who's in charge?

Make no mistake, this lady is in charge.

So here's the situation. Pat is refusing to speak to us directly.

He's willing to give us three hostages, but only if he can talk to us through you.

Now, we need to know why Pat has done this so we can draw things to a peaceful conclusion.

Yeah, sure, I'll talk to him. Deal.

Sorry, wrong person.

Come here.

OK. Now, are you on any medication?

Er... Just some cream.

I've got very aggressive athlete's foot but that's the only thing about me that is.

Do you suffer from any nervous conditions, such as panic attacks?

HE SNIGGERS

Do I look like I suffer from panic attacks?

I've had one panic attack in a car wash.

It was a perfect storm of no sleep, no wife,

and angry brushes whirring towards me.

By the time the giant hairdryer came on, I was in the footwell.

Does the idea of weaponry trouble you?

Er...no. I've fired several rifles - at funfairs, and won prizes.

But I've never fired one in anger, or at a cat.

CLEARING THROAT: We'll have you fully briefed by the tactical firearms team.

Cool.

We'll keep in regular phone contact with you when you go in.

Very cool. Sorry, go in?

-What, into the building?

-Mm-hm.

-To speak to Pat in person?

-Yes, is that not what you...?

-Erm...

-Everything OK?

I'm just a little nervous about going into a car wash...er...siege.

So what do you say, Al? Will you help us?

HE SIGHS

CONTEMPLATIVE PIANO MUSIC

Yep.

Guys, none of us choose the hand we're dealt...

-You know...

-We do need an answer, I'm afraid.

Do you have another siege to go to?

It's my understanding that if you say yes, you're allowed a few words.

-So you are saying yes?

-I was leaving that to the end.

-If you'd like to come with me.

-Sure.

Can I get a copy of that?

-Let's keep this simple, shall we?

-Roger, that.

-No heroics.

-Ten-four, good buddy.

Do not physically engage him.

-Fight a gun, flee a knife, yeah?

-Where do you read that?

Big fans of you guys in TFU.

If I had my way, all police officers would carry firearms.

I think that firearms should remain in the hands of specialists.

I was going to say that only specialists should be allowed to fire them.

If you think I've just made that up, you can call my assistant.

Alan! Read my lips.

If you jeopardize the safety of any of my men,

or any of those hostages because you've not been listening to me,

I will take off this police uniform and I will make you pay for it.

You want me to buy your police uniform off you?

No. I'll give you a fucking good hiding, is that clear?

Yes, that's clear. Yes. That's clear.

(You're close to me.)

Now, you're a smart bloke, I know you can handle it.

-I know you won't disappoint me.

-I won't.

I aim to please you, and I... I hope to impress you.

-Good man.

-Yeah, you're a good man too.

Right, well, Dom will fill you in.

He has to say all that shit for the insurance.

-Right.

-Tell me this much, mate.

-What's your favourite siege?

-Iranian Embassy.

Same. Why?

They used the sound of a pneumatic drill

to disguise the noise of them removing bricks from a neighbouring wall.

-So they could smash through and...

-Take them out the game.

BOTH: It's just a great siege.

Right.

Do you want to see me gun?

Does erm... Yes, please.

HEAVY THUD AND SLIDE

Let's clock the Glock.

You'll have to move quicker than that.

-Any last messages for your kids?

-Oh... Er...

No, they don't speak to me any more.

Yeah, "Why don't you speak to me any more?"

I wouldn't know the answer, would I?

So just um... Just... tell them I love them.

Pat, Alan's coming in now.

HELICOPTER ROTORS WHIR

-Greg!

-Oh... Hey, Alan. Thanks.

-They let you go as well?

-I'm relieved to be getting out of there.

-Aren't there still women in there?

-Yeah, well...

I think it would be a bit sexist to let ALL the women go out first.

Yeah. Sleep well, Greg.

Thanks.

Pat?

Pat?

Pat?

-Prepare to die.

-I'm not ready to!

Alan, it's OK, it's OK, it's me.

It's me - Pat.

God, you...

I just thought a little jokey costume would, you know, put you at ease,

-give you a giggle.

-Well...mission accomplished.

Oh, God.

-It's great to see you.

-Good to see you, too.

I bought you some cake, not that you deserve it after that.

I should just crush it in my hand. Oh, I already have.

-How the devil are you?

-Yeah, not bad, not bad.

How are you feeling?

-Great!

-Good.

Oh, er...the police told me to bring you this.

It's just a standard field phone,

should you feel the inclination to communicate with ze authorities.

Good thing about these things, they're immune to the problems and glitches

you get with satellite phones.

But, like I say, it's just an option, really.

I just realised, when you asked me now how I was feeling, you meant...

Yes, I did.

PAT CHUCKLES

-Does this answer your question?

-Yes, it does.

Oh, hello. Didn't see you there.

Someone's been in the wars.

-That's just Simon.

-Can he breathe through that?

Of course. It's just like wearing a mask.

At least when someone puts you in a mask, you've got a safe word,

like "air bag", or "crayfish".

What's the er...? That thing?

Oh, we made that. It's a head holster.

-Never heard of one of those.

-Yeah, I'll show you. Simon?

You insert the shotgun.

Place on stand. And...voila.

Hands free. I can move around the studio, do anything I want.

And if something happens... I don't even have to look.

Boom. Hit the target.

Yeah... Well, you don't need an accomplice.

Well, I've got you now.

Yeah.

Thank you.

So you're with the police now?

Oh, this... No, this is just...

I think it's Velcro. There you go.

Feck the police.

I think they thought that if they did take a pot shot at you...

it's a siege, you've got a gun,

that the bullet might pass through you and hit me.

Unless they use dumdums, which explode inside the body.

I said, "Do not use dumdums on Pat Ferrell, Farrell, Ferrell.

"Just use a high-velocity round that passes through his body

"because he's a friend of mine."

And I suppose if I want to shoot you, I can always aim for the head.

Exactly. Exactly.

Um... I don't even know why I'm wearing it.

-So take it off.

-I'll happily take it off.

Go on, then.

-If you want me to, I'll take it off.

-Fucking take it off!

Oh, Pat, now you're making me want to wear it!

This is not my bag.

I'm-I'm-I'm...a disc jockey.

I'm sorry you got the sack.

I'm 55 years old, I should be at home in bed watching funny videos on YouTube.

"Sneezing panda" or "Charlie bit my finger".

Have you seen "Fat woman falls down the hole"?

THEY LAUGH

-That's hilarious. Isn't it?

-Yeah.

I've seen it before, but, yeah.

That... That should be fenced off, really, but erm... I'm glad it wasn't.

Great.

Oh, yeah, I'm supposed to ask, where are the hostages?

In there.

Oh, my God!

That's like some sort of zoo from Planet Of The Apes.

Danny looks a bit...bruised.

I lost my temper a couple of times.

-Three times.

-Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it was three.

Go and say hello.

-Give him a slap yourself, if you want.

-Oh, no...

No, I'll just... I'll just say hello.

-Alan...

-Look, do the police know we're here?

Alan! What the hell's going on?

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

Cool it with the crosstalk, you're professional broadcasters.

-I'm not, I'm a writer.

-We'll get through this with each other.

I want everyone to shake hands with everyone else. Now! Whether you want to or not.

DANNY: This is ridiculous.

ANGELA: Ow.

Hello, er...Connor.

-Paper.

-Hi.

OK. Pat will not communicate directly with the police.

Only through me.

So as of now, I am bullhorn.

-But I think we're going to be OK.

-OK? He hit me!

Let's not get into who hit who or, you know, who may have deserved it.

You need to keep him away from me. Understand?

What I NEED to do, Danny,

in conjunction with Jason, is crisis management.

I'm sure he'll agree there has been plenty of crisis...

-But no management.

-Cowabunga. Walk with me.

Alan, you do realise you're in the box seat here?

-You've got the guy's confidence.

-Yeah. I don't know why.

I go for a curry with him once a year, and even then I don't have a starter.

Trouble is, he does.

All I need to know is - can you handle it?

Well, er...

Would you ask that of a man who'd gone paintballing,

realised he'd left his goggles at reception but carried on anyway?

-Why?

-You're looking at him.

OK, guys, quick wawa.

Just had a powwow with Jase, upshot is...

I'm going to be his right-hand man on this one.

He'll be, um... My left-hand man.

-Er...

-Sorry.

The point is, Pat has not gone mad.

He has a grievance. He needs some sort of outlet.

JINGLE PLAYS

This is Pat Farrell, welcoming you to Roll Out The Farrell on North Norfolk Digital.

OK. Pat may have... May have gone mad.

He may have gone mad.

And now we have a text from Cynthia in Holt, who writes,

Dear Pat, we are sending you a bottle...

-Ma'am, you'd better listen to this...

-..of our home-made plum brandy.

We use it to make brandy butter...

-Why am I listening to shit radio?

-That's Pat Farrell, ma'am.

He's broadcasting from the siege.

Mm, yum, Cynthia. Can't wait.

Can you gently remind Pat that we had an agreement?

You are there to communicate with us.

Listen, I don't know what it says in your police operation manual...

-or in Psychobabble Weekly...

-Penguin Book of Sieges.

..or The Penguin Book of Sieges,

but out here in the field, it's plenty different.

I've got a guy with a gun and a gripe to grind, and he say, "No speaky."

I would really like to establish a dialogue here, Alan.

A simple trilateral exchange, from Pat, to you, to me, to you, to Pat.

-Do you understand?

-No more interruptions, or else!

You think I don't have balls? I've got plenty of balls!

I've got balls coming out of my arse!

-Er...did you hear that?

-Yes.

Well, that's... that's the end of the call. Bye.

You are listening to North Norfolk Digital.

# Shape

# The Way You Want It To Be.

# Shape- The way you want it to be

-Where are all my jingles?

-Jason wanted them deleted.

-He won't have deleted them all.

-He did delete them all.

-He did delete them all, Pat.

-What?

-It was jingle genocide.

-That's not helping, Simon.

The bastard. Alan, take over for me.

-No.

-I'm going to straighten him out.

MUFFLED GASPS

Oh, and...keep it light.

Right, um... OK.

SCREAMING

You're listening to the Pat and Alan Show.

-Mainly Pat.

-You, Jason. Yeah, you.

We'll be asking...w-what time...

..does mike paper slider switch to... To...

to mouse his chocolate cups?

-It doesn't make sense.

-It doesn't make sense,

but if you can rearrange to make sense then you could win...bins...

and win...

THUD

...and windows.

-Alan, help me!

-So that's our win a bin and window,

rearrange the sentence, keep it light, competition.

SCREAMING

Oh, shit.

This is the theme from Ski Sunday.

Sorry for swearing.

MUSIC: Theme from Ski Sunday

-MUFFLED:

-I've put up with shits like you for most of my life...

THUMPING AND SCREAMING

THUD

One hour.

And if that jingle isn't word for word what I just said,

I am going to shoot you in the feet, then the knees, then the hands.

And basically anything you've got two of, like your face.

Oh, yeah. Two-faced.

One hour.

One hour? This is impossible. I'm going to fucking die.

What are we going to do?

You can't do a top-quality jingle in an hour.

We can do this. Let me tell you a story, um...

Back in the day, I was MC-ing a conference for Reynard Pharmaceuticals.

Some of the marketing guys were doing karaoke.

I didn't join in, I tended to shun Japanese culture.

This was the mid-'90s, it was more acceptable.

But high on a cocktail of champagne and cheap Fosters lager,

I lunged at the microphone.

A few minutes later, I was making grown men cry

with my rendition of Summer Of '69 by Bryan Adams.

Thing is, I twisted the lyrics to the Summer Of '29,

evoking memories of the Wall Street Crash and German hyperinflation.

-Remember, these guys were in sales.

-Alan, where are you going with this?!

The point is, he didn't think he was any good at singing,

and it turns out he was quite good.

-Yeah, that.

-And that if you really, really try,

-you can do anything.

-And that.

I don't care! I'm going to fucking die!

Hey, hey, I'm trying to save your head, shoulders, knees and toes.

-ANGELA:

-Knees and toes.

-OK, man up, musos.

-I played synth in a jazz funk band.

-Great, who else?

I used to be the drummer in Marillion.

-ALL EXCLAIMING: Really?

-There's no time for that.

-But wow and great.

-What are you going to do first?

HE PLAYS RANDOM NOTES

I'm going to lay down a rhythm track.

MULTIPLE LOCKS CLICK

Oh.

Lynn Benfield?

-I am she.

-Do you know Mr Alan Partridge?

OK.

He wasn't stealing crisps.

He just gets flustered at self-service checkouts

-and takes things without scanning them.

-Miss Benfield...

He doesn't like being told to put things in bagging areas by automated women.

No, Miss Benfield, we're here because Mr Partridge is

currently involved in an armed siege.

-Oh.

-We're informing you as his next of kin.

Take me to him.

# Pat Farrell had a loyal following in

# The local community

# But Goredale Media fucked him over

# Cos they don't care about loyalty

# The only things they give a shit about

# Is the profit margins

# And if they don't reinstate him

# He'll take it out on the hostages

# Even the ones with kids

# Better get yourself some body bags. #

That was beautiful.

-Could you make me some more?

-ALL: Ooh.

-Er...

-ALL: Definitely!

-Yes, maybe(!)

Local folk trio Will-o'-the-wisp won't be coming in now.

Apparently, there are road closures in Norwich due to a major police...

RADIO OFF

Thanks for waiting, Miss Benfield.

We're speaking to anyone who can help us build a picture of Pat Farrell.

-You said you know him?

-Ah, well...

I made three cakes for him over the last year.

But there was nothing in them that would have led him to do this.

-They were very plain.

-That's not one of our lines of investigation.

Just tell us what you know about Pat.

Irish. Shock of brown, curly hair.

He's a strong man, with strong arms and a good walk. Moves well.

-That's very helpful, Lynn.

-Oh.

-Thank you.

-Now, how about some coffee?

Oh, of course. How do you take it?

No, no, we'll get it for you. Just sit there, I'll be back.

Oh...

MUSIC: Wichita Lineman by Glen Campbell

I hate all this shit. Telling us how to speak.

They think they're giving us an identity but they're...

Turning us into nobodies.

We're just unit-shifters for the money men.

Sounds quite good.

Alan, did you ever imagine what life would be like in your 50s?

I had hopes and dreams. I think we all did.

Penny for them.

Keep the penny, you've got a gun.

But yeah, I used to dream that one day I'd drive a brand-new Range Rover

towing a speedboat.

I used to dream about growing old with someone I love.

Hm. Both valid.

It's not going to happen now, is it?

I miss my Molly so much.

-Who's this chap?

-That's Molly.

Yes, of course.

She's got such...brown hair.

A year after that was taken, the angels took her.

Must have been a few of them.

Now I've nobody. No wife.

No family. No kids.

I've got to say, Pat, kids don't make you happy.

Some of the unhappiest times of my life have been with my kids.

I remember...

a holiday on the beach in Prestatyn.

The kids came over to me and said, "Papa, Papa! Follow me..."

and...you know...

I followed them about 200 yards across the sand dunes.

When I got there, finally, all they'd done was dug a big hole.

Miserable.

Sounds lovely.

PAT SIGHS HEAVILY

# And the Wichita lineman

# Is still on the line... #

Gooood morning!

Crayfish!

I feel absolutely great.

There's a lot to be said for a good sleep and a hot shower.

Yeah.

Sleep well, Alan?

Er...yes, thank you.

As the Shape siege enters its first morning,

police are refusing to confirm

the number or identities of the hostages

still being held at gunpoint

by sacked DJ Pat Farrell.

Fellow-DJ Alan Partridge

is in contact with the police,

who are now set up at the school behind me.

What would you like us to play, Iris?

Always On My Mind by Willie Nelson.

Aw.

I would love to, Iris, but unfortunately that's not in the system.

We are only allowed play-approved tracks.

But, Pat, you've got a gun. You can play whatever you like.

Leave it with me and I'll see what I can do, OK?

Remember we used to choose our own records?

Yeah. Or put on a compilation album if you were tired

or couldn't be bothered.

-LAUGHING:

-Yeah.

You like country music, Alan?

Can't say I do, Pat.

It's just jilted spouses complaining whilst drunk.

Also known as a date, if you're over 40.

When a listener asks for a song and I don't have it,

I feel like I've let them down.

And Willie Nelson was Molly's favourite too.

And Always On My Mind was her favourite song.

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC

Do you remember that? The old roadshow bus.

Remember it? I took my family camping in that.

-Yeah?

-That was a tough nine days.

You see, this bus brought joy to hundreds.

I wonder where it is now.

Probably impounded after it crushed those scouts.

No, no, it's in the basement.

-Oh?

-Yeah.

-Did not know that.

-I used... Oh!

-Forgot the record. Hold that, will you?

-Sure.

-Give me the gun, Alan.

-Yeah.

-The gun, Alan.

-I was looking at my clothes before.

Some people call it gear, don't they? Others call it an outfit.

-CLEARING THROAT:

-But I call it clobber!

GUNSHOT

Jesus!

Alan! Alan!

Alan! Alan, give me the gun!

-Armed police, stay where you are!

-Give me the gun.

Drop the weapon!

Alan!

Alan, open the door.

I'm just trying to find some way to escape.

Alan! Alan!

HAMMERS AT DOOR

Ayatollah!

He's got a shooter.

Aargh!

-You all right, Alan?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

Cuddle me, cop!

Argh!

Target down.

Yours, I believe.

You probably thought I was gay when I gave you that cuddle.

Don't worry, I'm not.

-You're really cool, Alan.

-Yeah, we think you're cool.

Thank you. Sorry, who are you?

Jason Statham.

Jason Bourne.

Jason Argonaut.

-Jason Argonaut?

-Mm.

-It's Jason AND the Argonauts.

-Yes.

Are you all right?

You just said, "clobber" and then "Jason and the Argonauts".

-Oh, sorry.

-All right.

-We go?

-Yeah.

Oh, er...by the way, thanks for not taking the gun.

Oh...that's fine.

-RADIO:

-You're listening to Pat Farrell and this is Willie Nelson,

Always On My Mind.

For someone who's always on my mind, my late wife Molly.

# Maybe I didn't love you

# Quite as often as I could have

# Maybe I didn't treat you... #

-Does that man look 59 to you?

-I didn't look.

-I just put his name into Google Images.

-This is Pat Farrell!

That is a Pat Farrell. Do I have to do everything?

Ma'am, you'd better hear this.

It's taken from the transcript of the broadcast.

0100 hours. "Partridge:

"I wish this was abroad, because it would make a brilliant Banged Up Abroad.

"Farrell: What's Banged Up Abroad?

"Partridge: You don't know Banged Up Abroad? Farrell: No.

"Partridge: Everyone knows Banged Up Abroad.

"Farrell: I don't. What is Banged Up Abroad?

"Partridge: You seriously don't know Banged Up Abroad?

"You have to be shitting me.

"Farrell: I've never even heard of..."

Just get to the bit where they stop saying Banged Up Abroad.

"Sidekick Simon: I once banged up a broad."

"Partridge: That's the best you've got, even with a gun to your head?"

He's got a gun to his head.

I remember once coming to in a skip in the middle of the afternoon

with my underpants in my mouth.

And then I realised: "Oh, these are not my pants!"

HE LAUGHS

Oh, I can laugh about it now but, you know, back then...

Sssh, ssh. What's that?

HELICOPTER ROTORS

POLICE RADIO: Move into position, over.

It's the police.

If you like canapes that are on the turn, we've hit the mother lode.

Oblong plate, square bowl. Go figure. Whatever happened to circles?

I mean, I've heard of a square meal but that's ridiculous.

HE LAUGHS

I was just saying I've heard of a square meal.

Alan! Alan! Ssh, ssh.

-We think it's the police.

-Wait.

QUIET BUMP

-That definitely came from in there.

-That's just a cupboard.

-It's not even an outside wall.

-Careful.

-No, Jason...

-I'll protect you.

JASON: It's not an outside wall. Look, I'll show you. Look.

-Michael?

-Aye, aye, Mr Partridge.

What are you hiding in there for?

I found myself a place of concealment, like when I was on manoeuvres.

Take your light off. You're blinding everyone you speak to.

Now it's flashing. Sorry.

Michael, you look like some sort of big Geordie Anne Frank.

-How long have you been here?

-All night.

-What did you eat?

-I had me lunch box.

-Where did you go to the toilet?

-No.

I had me lunch box. ALL GROAN

Thank God it's got a smoky finish with an airtight seal.

I tell you what. It seals in the freshness.

No, Michael. It seals out the freshness.

What is going on in here?

Michael's just visiting us from the cupboard.

No need to get shouty-shouty.

-Did those Goredale bastards put you up to this?

-No.

No, no. I've been in here a few nights.

-No, one night.

-No, a few nights.

A few nights this week and the week before.

-Why?

-Me brother wanted the bed to himself.

Ah, yes. Michael suffers from night terrors.

He thrashes about like a big salmon.

What's in the box?

Er...Michael... Michael let himself down.

I'm really sorry, I done a shit in the box.

Well, get rid of it. Throw it out the window.

Fall back! Fall back!

Armed police!

Identify yourself! Identify yourself!

Alan Partridge. Who the f...? Alan Partridge!

You know who I am. I haven't been off the TV that long.

-"Identify yourself"(!)

-MEGAPHONE: Alan, it's OK, I'm here. You're safe.

Yeah, tell them to stop pointing their guns at me.

-Lower your weapons.

-Yeah, lower your weapons.

Take your hand off your gun. Take your hand off your gun.

And the other hand. I can wait here all day.

Do as he says.

Thank you. Why do you have to turn it into a competition?

Just because I won. OK.

OK. Stop. Pat, stop tugging me.

I told you, I've got a very sensitive tummy.

Who are you talking to, Alan?

I've got Pat on the end of the line in both senses.

I'm tethered to the building via this rope and relaying messages

from Pat via this state-of-the-art Sennheiser 1000 head set.

Nice bit of kit. Yeah, I'm telling them that now.

If you'd listened, you'd know I'm telling them.

-Pat says "Hi".

-Hi, Pat.

And hi to your fellow officers.

OTHERS: Hi. Hi, Pat.

Alan, listen. Pat works with us here, this can all end well. OK?

-I give him my word.

-OK, just... Yep.

OK. Pat, you've got to... you're rambling.

You've got to be more concise. What do you want? "I want a helicopter."

That's just an example, by the way.

Yeah, OK. He wants a helicopter.

MARTIN: That might not be possible, Alan.

But let's dialogue. What else can we do for him?

SCREAMING

Pat says, "Fucking stupid pigs. What the hell's going on?"

Pat, listen to me. That was not an attack, OK?

We just had to dispose of a box around the corner in a controlled manner.

Pat would prefer it if you spoke through me, as would I.

Martin says they deployed a remote RV fitted with a disruptor

to neutralise a suspected IED. He doesn't know what you're talking about. He's quite angry.

-He's honking in my ear like a mad Irish goose.

-LAUGHTER

MAN: Aha! WOMEN: We love you, Alan!

Um...do you mind? It's not a radio roadshow.

-I'm trying to host a siege here.

-We love you, Alan!

Get away. Who said that?

What's it like in there?

Ah...scary, stressful, lots of shouting.

A bit like being married again.

LAUGHTER

And there's a crazy person running around with a gun.

So it's a lot like being married again.

LAUGHTER

And er...when I saw a guy with a shotgun in his mouth begging for mercy, then...

-LAUGHTER

-You're ahead of me.

You're ahead of me. A lot of you are.

He's still got his hand on his gun. He thinks I don't know. Yeah, you.

-I'm looking at you. Peripheral vision.

-Alan.

-I'm not retreating, Pat's tugging me off.

-LAUGHTER

-No, come on. We're better than that. Guys, seriously.

-Alan, wait!

By the way, there's an extra hostage. Meant to tell you that.

In a surprise development, DJ Alan Partridge

appeared outside the building, while tethered to a rope.

Footage of his address is already one of the most viewed YouTube videos

since "Fat Woman Falls Down Hole".

Mr Partridge, whose Facebook page

lists one of his interests as hand-to-hand combat,

has been acting as mediator between police and the hostage-taker, Pat Farrell.

As people around the world ask, who is Alan Partridge?

-ALAN:

-That was a majestic voice.

You can keep Jesus. As far as I'm concerned, Neil Diamond will always be King of the Jews.

You are listening to...

JINGLE: The partridge and the poacher.

SQUAWK AND GUNSHOT

And what I believe is a world first, I, Alan Partridge, a hostage,

broadcasting live from a siege at gunpoint.

Pure class, Alan.

And today, we'll be asking, what was better in the olden days?

OK, Pat, shoot. I mean, you know, start speaking.

-Terry in Necton.

-Egypt.

-I'm liking this.

-They used to build the pyramids,

now they can't get you a taxi to the airport.

Terry, I like the way you think. Please call again.

-Will do.

-Nicholas in Weybourne.

-Nurses were better in the old days.

-Bull's-eye.

They used to be these Florence Nightingale-type figures.

These days it's just, you know, short-haired women in trousers

washing their own hands at a sink.

Later on, I'll be asking which vegetable has the greatest torsional strength

ie, which can withstand the greatest twisting load before rupture?

-Caroline in Sprowston.

-Beards were better in the olden days.

-Love it.

-Sebastian in Holt.

-UK manufacturing.

-Good. Good, but dull.

-Paul in East Runton.

-Kill 'em all, Pat.

Shoot the women first.

We'll also be asking, have you ever met a genuinely clever bus driver?

I wonder what the listening figures are for this.

Yeah. Can you stop drumming?

OK. Time for fact of the day.

VOICEOVER: Fact of the day. Sponsored by Norfolk Dairies.

COWS MOO

-Cows don't have hymens.

-Absolutely correct.

Cows do not have hymens, just a partially opened cervix.

The time is 10:22.

Right now, to your muster stations. It's Bryan Ferry.

MUSIC: Let's Stick Together by Bryan Ferry

Ah...that was...that was er...

-Very good.

-Yeah. Radio gravy.

Wow.

I suppose you forget about the gun after a while, don't you?

-No, I don't.

-OK.

Good.

Lynn! Lynn Benfield, can we have a word?

Oh, Alan doesn't like me speaking to the press.

-We're not press. We're television.

-Well, I'm... I'm not really...

We've got hair and make-up.

Oh!

Back now to Norwich, where DJ Alan Partridge

-continues to bring news of the radio...

-Ah, Angela?

-Someone wants a word with you.

-Who?

Him.

Tensions on the Korean peninsula continue...

-Why?

-..following Kim Jongil...

-Oh...shit.

-CHANGES TV CHANNEL

-TV:

-Vegas, I was doing kind of...

SURFS CHANNELS

..for anyone's price range...

CONTINUES SURFING

..mounting tensions in North...

CONTINUES SURFING

RAPID SURFING

..erectile dysfunction...

CONTINUES SURFING

-Inside, Partridge seems unfazed...

-Ah, him.

-Me on TV. Good photo.

-He tried instead

to calm the gunman by joining him in the studio.

Yes, just your basic disabled loo.

You've got your lowered seat pan, back pad, high-vis grab bar, panic cord, lady bin.

Alan, calm down. You're being all hectic.

This is because you're on TV, isn't it? You're all puffed up like a robin.

It's like you can see in me.

Alan, you didn't bring me in here to talk about disabled toilet facilities, did you?

Yeah, I did. No, I didn't.

Oh, wow. Lynn, you look fantastic.

Good gracious.

WHISTLING

I'm sorry about the nasal whistle. It's when I'm anxious.

WHISTLING

WHISTLING STOPS

BOTH MOAN

You know... You know, "Shape - the way you want it to be"?

-Yeah?

-Your shape's the way I want it to be.

I'm on about your body.

-What might this be?

-That...is my damned todger.

And it's all the fault of a certain Miss Angela...

I'm sorry, I don't know your second name.

He's very brave. He was once feeding ducks in the park.

One took a peck at him and instead of retreating, he hit it with the back of his hand.

HE MOUTHS

TV: DJ Alan Partridge...

-Hi.

-You got time for a quick wawa?

-What?

-Quick wawa.

-Oh, you mean "wawa"?

-Yeah. Yeah.

-Sorry. You just did a different noise.

-Sorry.

Look...how are you feeling about this whole media circus? How you feeling?

Between you and me, pretty puffed up.

-Like an owl.

-Let's hope you're a wise one.

Nice. I pitched it up, you knocked it out of the park.

Synergy. Oh, no, that's lesbians.

Let me tell you something, Alan.

As far as the press is concerned, you are the face of this siege.

-I am siege face.

-Exactly.

After this, you'll get more offers than a whore at our Christmas party.

BOTH LAUGH

I like that. Yeah, I like that.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You'd know a thing or two about that, wouldn't you?

That would be... "Mmm-hmm," he says. That's a moustache.

Seriously, did you give her one?

Well, I...I gave her a ruddy big kiss she won't forget in a hurry.

Hand on the outside of the bra. Er...you know, reconnaissance.

And then I just held her in my arms because she told me she never knew her mother, and I said,

"Well, my mother raised me and lived to a ripe old age.

"But guess what? I never really knew HER."

Erm...and...

CLEARS THROAT

To get back on track, erm...

Yeah, I mean... Yeah, whoo!

-I like you.

-I like you.

He likes me, Lynn. Jason Tresswell likes me.

-Alan? Are you OK?

-I've got to be quick.

Pat thinks I've borrowed his phone to play Angry Birds.

-Of course. What is it?

-A computerised bird-throwing game.

-No, I meant...

-I'm joking, Lynn.

Enjoy me. Everyone else is.

Goredale Media think I'm some sort of Christ 2.0.

Do you know, I'm within a brair's headth of getting the breakfast show.

I'll call myself the Morning Rooster, or the Talking Cock.

-You're not thinking clearly.

-Yes, I am.

Lynn, I'll say this once and I'll say it again.

My career's getting a shot in the arm and if I can stay in here to the bitter end,

I will be the biggest thing to come out of Norwich since...Lord Nelson or Trisha.

Think about that and what that means.

Your priority is the welfare of the hostages.

Good, put that out as a press release and say I said it.

Alan, your ego's getting the better of you.

I've just got to stay alert and focused. I'm playing them like an oboe, Lynn.

How effed up is that?

-Alan? Alan?

-Oh...

HE GROANS

Ohh! Christ's sake.

Not now. Oh, God.

I'm caught on the latch.

HE GASPS

Oh, come on. Please.

Stop, armed police! Get your hands above your head.

-I've just got...

-Get your hands above your head!

-I want to get those trousers.

-Do it! Hands above your head.

-They're my trousers.

-Get your hands above your head now!

What are you doing? It's weird.

There are paparazzi all over the place

and I do not want them to get a photograph of my genitals.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING

-Oh, come on!

-That's it, look at me.

And how were the hostages when you left?

-Crouched.

-I mean, what's their state of mind?

Oh. Er... If I'm honest, a bit moany. Yeah. Is someone writing this down?

-Yeah.

-Sorry. I thought you were some clothes.

Thanks for the forensic trousers, by the way.

-Could you just um...?

-Crikey. Yeah, sorry.