Borrowed Time

This film contains very strong language

SIRENS IN DISTANCE

HE SNIFFS

"Gregory."

Cheers, Gregory.

God bless.

An' that.

Whoever you was.

# G to the R to the E to the G

# R-I-P, R-I-P. #

What do you want, Kevin?

Do you know what time it is?

Don't be like that.

Didn't I ask you not to come around here for a while?

I want to see you.

Flowers for you an' everything. Look, sis.

Probably from a grave.

I-I just need a chance.

One more last chance, that's all I need.

Problem is, Kevin, when you're around...

things go missing.

All the chances are missing, too.

-I'll get the clock back.

-That's not the point.

Look, I want to see you.

And Grant. It's not fair on him not to let me see you.

You're not his dad, Kevin.

And I reckon he could do without his...

flippin' theivin' muck-up of an uncle.

Disappointed...

too many times.

Is that your clock, is it?

-Why?

-It's staring at you.

I sort of borrowed it.

Sort of need to get it back somehow.

-It's 65 only quid, though.

-Only?

Yeah, you can earn that in a couple of hours, man. Piece of piss.

Oh, yeah?

How?

Easy, if you know.

I don't know.

What's your name, lad?

Kevin.

Nice to meet you, lad. I'm Nigel.

Do you want to earn some extra pocket money, Kevin?

I'm Kevin. Nice to meet ya.

Ya got somethin' for me, boy?

Uh, yeah, drugs...

See...

Sorry if it smells. I had it in my sock.

HE INHALES DEEPLY

Fo' re-al.

MIMICKING HIS ACCENT: All dere, bruthar.

Fo' re-al.

You my bredren now?

-What?

-Since when you my bredren?

Uh...bre...

We're not actual, like, proper...

full-blood siblings or nothing, but...

You know?

One love?

Jah bless.

Bumbaclart.

-Eh?

-Wha' wrong wi' you?

Sorry.

-I'm new.

-Listen, new boy,

street up.

-What?

-Speak how ya speak

or keep ya bloodclot mouth shut.

Hold on.

You seem to have forgot the...

You can't walk away without payin' me. Oi!

Ya livin' in Babylon.

Bubblin' what? Livin' in London.

PHONE RINGS

FIREWORKS CRACKLE, BOYS LAUGH

-MAN:

-Go on, run, you little bastards!

Your time will come!

BOYS LAUGH AND SHOUT

-You hear me?!

-Oi!

You lot!

BOYS LAUGH

What's up?

-Yes, Kev!

-What was all that about?

-What you doin' here, man?

Nothing much.

Bit of business, that's all.

-Yo, bruv, did you see our fireworks display?

-At the old wanker's house?

Shock and fuckin' awesome, cuz. It was like Iraq, innit, just better.

MAN SHOUTS IN DISTANCE D'you think...?

Is it possible someone could lend me some money?

-Oh, bruv, what?!

-I'll get you it back and plenty more.

More of an investment than a loan, really.

I just need 535 quid.

THEY LAUGH

Yeah, Kevin, yeah, man. How d'you want it?

Do you take card or... can I write you a cheque?

THEY LAUGH

It's a sweet investment. I'm working with this bloke Nigel, see?

-Nigel?

-Yeah.

Yo, he ain't from Liverpool, is he?

He's a Scouser, yeah.

Bro, d'you know who you're messin' with?

That's fuckin' Ninja Nigel! Stay... Stay far away from him!

I'm... I'm sure he's quite...

-reasonable.

-He's fucked in the head, innit?

And he gets off on fucking with little plebs like you.

-Didn't he slash up that kid in West Ham, with the sword?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

Bruv, bruv, he's a proper riot, a nutty motherfucker.

Money back guaranteed.

No.

You're full of shit, you lot.

Just tryin' to hold me back, that's all you're trying to do.

-We're trying to help you, Kevin!

-Piss off, the lot of you!

-We're trying to help you, bruv!

-We don't want you to get

-reconstructed on Crimewatch, bruv.

-Like one of them chalk outlines.

DISTANT THUMPING MUSIC

DOG BARKS, MAN SHOUTS

THUMPING MUSIC CONTINUES

Shit.

BABY CRIES IN DISTANCE

PHONE RINGS

VOICEMAIL: ''Sup, 'sup? It's K to the E to the V to the I to the N.

'Leave a message, bitches,

'and I'll get back to you when I've got some credit.'

Off somewhere nice, are we?

Oh...

You're in my flat!

The way of the Nigel.

What way's that?

HE WHIMPERS

You fancy a light snack, do you? Mm? Mm!

I will not be ignored, Kevin.

Where's my fucking money?

HE MUMBLES

Huh? What have you got to say for yourself?

Huh?

It's not my fault, I swear...

Not your fault?

Not your fault.

You have much to learn, Grasshopper.

A man is no better than his word, Kevin.

Shaolin wisdom tells us that a man must honour himself

by honouring his commitments.

Out of the kindness of my soul I start you up in business.

And you think you can simply ignore me?

Did you think I would just go away?

I did exactly what you said.

I went to the place.

I waited for ages, then...then some big Rasta bloke just took the shit.

What kind of warrior are you?

You arranged it. You must know who he is. We can find it, get it back.

What's this fucking "we" business?

This is on your head, you little tit.

If I don't get what's mine by tomorrow morning, I swear to you...

Ba-ow! Boo!

You talkin' to me? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Bow, wha-chow!

Whoo-ah!

-Bow!

-KEVIN GROANS

I get the point, man.

No, my friend.

No, no, no.

You don't want the point.

It's very fucking sharp.

HE WHIMPERS

I get it.

Die-ah-ya!

I'll honour your wisdom, I promise, Nigel, the way of...you.

I'll be waiting.

What? Here?

-Swear this cider's warm, you know?

-Oh, come on.

I hate when they put the cider, yeah...

and they've got a fridge and they keep the cider on the side,

-out of the fridge.

-Yeah, for real.

-What the fuck's with that, man?

-It tastes like warm piss.

-You got a fridge, man.

-It tastes like warm piss.

-It tastes like warm piss now.

Cider is a summer-y drink. You drink this shit in the summer.

It's cold.

Look who it is, innit?

Look who it is.

Twice in one day.

Fuckin' hell. Honour, mate, truly. Truly.

Yeah, how's the big time?

How's the imaginary girlfriend?

How's the potential?

Hey, yo, Kev, man, be all you can be, yeah?

I feel sick.

Got nowhere else to go to.

Oh, what, is this going well, then, yeah?

Just need to lie low.

I can't go home. My sister ain't even talkin' to me.

Neither are we, so get the fuck off our roundabout.

-You're my mates.

-Mm-mm.

Nah, Kevin, man, we're the people that are, uh,

-holding you back from your potential.

-Look...

I'm sorry I told you lot to piss off, innit?

I didn't want it to be true, but...

-..if I don't pay Ninja Nigel...

-Wait, what?

Bro, don't tell us you owe him. What we tell you, man?

I just need to hide now.

-He's waiting in my flat.

-He's in your flat? You are fucked, bruv.

Bro, you can't hide from Ninja Nigel.

He's got eyes everywhere. He sees all.

Can't I just stay with one of yous lot?

Nah, bruv, I'm just going to tell you straight, yeah?

My mum hates you.

A lot, Kevin.

Yeah, man, you ain't the best guest at the best of times.

Especially now.

He'll find you wherever you go. Like, he has no fear.

-Like, sooner or later, you're going to have to pay the Shadow Man.

-Who?

-Kevin, you're going to have to do some crime, bruv.

-Yeah.

-Something where you don't have to be hard.

-Yeah. Or clever.

-What about grannies?

-Yeah, man!

-Nah, that pinch-your-money shit?

He'll have to do shit-loads of grannies to earn that sort of loot.

-You could do a house, innit?

-Yeah.

-What if a granny lives there?

-For fuck's sake!

All right, fine, just do someone who deserves it, then, innit?

Yeah. Do you know anyone who's on holiday?

Cos, like, people on holiday defo deserve it.

People who go on holiday deserve it.

-I just said that.

-Sorry.

-That's OK.

-Wait. Yo, all right, come.

-What?

-Just come!

This ain't even funny, I've got an ingrowing toenail!

Come on.

Sh, quiet.

Sh, shut up, man.

Come on, man. Come on.

Listen up, yeah? Before, when I was trying to get our ball back,

I looked through his window and I saw he keeps

a key in the backdoor, right next to the catflap, yeah?

You're a natural born pussy, yeah?

So all you gotta do is put your arm through the catflap, yeah,

grab the bloody key...

You're bloody well in and grabbing all the loot.

Mate, mean people always got the cash, innit?

This tosser must be seriously minted, man.

Maybe he's just a lonely old man.

Kevin, you need to start thinking about keeping your head attached.

Less of the fucking help-the-aged bullshit.

Ninja Nigel's not fucking about, mate, he will decapitate you,

-you get me?

-We ain't got all fucking night, right? Get on...

-Go on, man.

Kevin, wait. Here you are.

Why have you got a hanger, bruv?

It came with the jumper, innit?

What, you...?

-Don't you lot have one?

-No.

-All right, man, go on, man.

-Kevin, get up there, man, fuckin' hell.

Come on. Hurry up, man.

Get up, man, you fucking pussy.

He's dancing on a bin.

Hurry up, man, go on.

-Careful.

-What you doin'?

CAT SCREECHES

THEY LAUGH

Shit.

Are you all right, Kevin?

HE GASPS

All right, cool, yeah? Good luck on the burglary.

Bye.

What the flip is this?

What...?

CREAKING

STRANGE ANIMAL NOISES

Move a whisker

and you'll be blown to kingdom come.

On your knees! Right now!

CHAIR WHIRS

I'm...

I'm s... I'm sorry to disturb you.

It seems...

I may be in the wrong place?

Is this the Smithy residence, by any chance?

How would you like to be gutted and stuffed and stuffed and stuffed

and gathering dust on my mantelpiece?

What?

My collection won't be complete without a human specimen.

You're trying to scare me.

-Aren't you?

-Who would bother about it?

Nobody ever visits me. I can do what I like.

This is my house!

No-one can touch me here.

Anybody comes into my house - fair game, fair game, fair game,

fair game, as far as I'm concerned.

Just do it, then.

HE SNIFFLES Finish me off.

If it's not you, it'll be someone else.

I've already been attacked today. Look at my bruises.

I'm sure you deserve everything you get.

How can you say that?

You don't know me. How can you...? How can you be so mean?

Mean?

You're the one burgling an old man, for crying out loud.

I know it doesn't look good, but...

HE SNIFFLES

I'm not a bad person.

Go on, get up, on your feet, on your feet, on your feet!

Right, move, that way, go on. Move.

Move!

Oh...

Forward!

Now what?

Now...

Um...

Make my tea. Punk.

Cups on the side. Two sugars.

Teabags in the tin there.

Mind if I make one for myself?

Go on, then. One last request can't hurt, I suppose.

Stop messing about!

Stop pointing that thing!

-It's not even a real gun.

-Move it!

Milk's in the fridge.

HE SNIFFS

That's fine with a few sugars.

You can't drink that, man. That's proper nasty!

-It's not as bad as all that.

-That is well off.

-So am I, for that matter.

-What makes you think you're going anywhere?

Your gun looks more like a trumpet, your milk's fucking humming.

That's more like a bottle of cheese, man!

Halt!

Sorry, mate.

-DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

-Yeah, but...

what about your tea?

All right, Gregory?

-RADIO:

-'Good morning!

'Well, if you're just getting up, welcome to the radio.

'Thanks very much to Matty and Chanel,

'who have already texted in to say they managed to get out of bed.'

-TYRES SCREECH

-'Congratulations,

'the day has started very well for you.'

WOMAN SCREAMS

HE SCREAMS

'..and, of course, the weather and traffic.

'Well, weather-wise, it's grey - grey-grey-grey, grey-grey-grey.'

DOG BARKS

DOOR CLOSES

HE GROANS

DOOR CLOSES

Howdy! Er, Philip...

-Did you murder this squirrel?

-I beg your pardon?

You've never liked squirrels. I've seen the way you look at them.

Philip, I don't mean to go on about it, but the garden...

I know you like it, but wouldn't you like it

a whole lot more if you let my gardener spruce it up a little?

I'll pay for it.

-I'll pay YOU to let him do it.

-I don't need your gardener.

I don't need your money. I don't need anything or anybody.

If I wanted it done, I'd have done it myself years and years ago,

years ago, years ago.

You're bringing down the property value of the entire street.

Oh, thank you very much. Very kind of you.

Although I can't take all of the credit.

PHILIP CHUCKLES

Bye-bye, bye-bye! Fuck off.

Go on!

ENGINE STARTS

I got the milk.

For the tea?

You got any, like...mates?

That are, like, you know...

..alive?

Family?

Kids?

Anyone at all?

-Only asking.

-Nobody asked you to ask anything, did they?

-What you even doing here? What do you want from me?

-Nothing.

All right, then drink your tea and fuck off.

And don't take anything that doesn't belong to you.

And just to clarify,

the only things that do belong to you are your grubby bastard clothes

and your grubby bastard back and your bloody bastard questions.

I should call the police. Better still,

I should shoot you in the face, in the face,

in the face, right in the face.

-Not used to polite conversation, I guess?

-Polite? Polite?

You're the one who's a thieving scumbag, remember?

-I never stole nothing!

-No, you didn't have a chance, did you?

I was too smart for you, too smart for you,

too smart for you, weren't I?

-If you'd had half a chance, you'd...

-Stop being horrible to me!

Stop being mean.

I'm not a scumbag.

Well, what are you, then, exactly?

How am I supposed to be anything?

I've not had a chance or nothing.

Didn't your parents teach you how to conduct yourself?

Or at least how to speak properly?

Not around to blame no more, mate.

You'll have to think of something else.

I mean, what's the point if you can't even have a chat

without some antique cannon in my face?

I guess I'll leave you and your little furry mates

-to carry on raving it up.

-Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Drink your tea. You might as well drink your tea.

There's tea there, you might as well drink it.

Got any biscuits?

I don't get to the shops as often as I did.

Knee, hip, back - it's a fucking nightmare, it's a nightmare.

Well, that's what I can do for you, then.

I'll go down the shop for you, get you some shit.

I just need the list.

And some trust.

And some cash.

Why would you come back?

I'm going to make up for what I done wrong.

And I like you.

You could be cool... if you chilled out a little bit.

Cool, like Dirty Harry.

"Make my tea...punk."

Funny.

What's your name, actually?

I'm Kevin.

Philip.

Hmm...

I can't tell with you.

I suppose it's worth a few quid to test out your character.

I've bet on lamer horses in the past.

HE GROANS

Stay there.

Stay exactly where you are, please.

Stay there.

Hmm...

Custard creams, bacon, beans, blah-blah...

Right, see you in a bit, then.

I'll see myself out, mate.

Stay there. You've only just sat back down, innit?

I'll not be long.

Nigel?

It's Kevin. I've got some of the money.

'What do you mean, "some"?'

85 quid.

Better than nothing, ain't it?

'"Some"? Fucking "some"?!

'Report to your flat immediately for some of your punishment.'

Look, Nigel, I'm trying my best. I just need more time.

'No fucking time! Obey me now, lad, you fucking hear me?

'Now, get your fucking arse to your flat

'cos you are going to be punished.

'Oh, yeah, I am fu...'

Come along, we're going to go in here, yeah?

-What do you fancy going on? The swings?

-Yeah.

All right, come on, let's go.

-Is that good, yeah?

-Yeah.

Faster!

Faster!

-I've never been this high before!

-No?

-No!

Well, you do with Uncle 'Evin.

Aaaah!

Come on, home time, Grant.

Home time, babe, come on. Let's go.

I can look after him for a bit, you know.

Give you some peace.

-OK, let's go, Grant.

-I know I've been bad in the past, but...

..I'm good with Grant. You know that.

Please!

Home in one hour.

One hour.

Or you're dead.

-Be good, yeah, darling?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I'll see you in a bit.

-OK, mission time.

-Why?

Top secret mission - to get something for your mummy,

something she thinks she'll never see again.

-What?

-It's Granny's old clock.

Is it with the angels, like Granny?

No, mate. It's not with the angels.

It's at the pawnbrokers.

BELL RINGS

Calm down!

BELL RINGS Jeez, man!

Some flippin' people!

Uh?

Let's go, Grant, come on. Let's go. Go, go, go!

Take cover!

HE WHISTLES

My trusty scouts! You know Kevin?

Pasty, looks a bit like Gollum?

I want a green one.

Whee!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hello, Grandad.

This little somebody I'd like you to meet is Grant.

My nephew.

Eurgh...

Erm...

There's actually quite a bit of change.

-You keep it for your trouble.

-All right.

-That's a nice balloon.

-I chose it, I did.

-Did you?

Are you in charge of the museum?

-I suppose so.

-Can I look at everything?

-Yes, come on.

-Do you like animals?

-Yes.

I have a Noah's Ark of wonderful animals, all...

Hold on a tick.

I was just...putting it back.

I'm sorry.

What can I say?

I see your game.

But, then, I saw it from the beginning.

What does that make me?

A bloody fool playing bloody fools' games.

Can I play?

Hold on a minute, Grant.

I don't need this.

I'm better off on my own. I don't need anyone.

I just made a mistake.

Oh, yes, yes.

-Could have happened to anyone, I suppose.

-I could have just kept it.

-Saved all my problems.

-I'm guessing you want something more from me.

-Why else would you be here?

-It's not that.

Really, it ain't.

I think it's time to close the museum to the public

and you can all sling your... whatever it is, hook.

Time to go, mate.

We're already late.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Are you expecting anyone? KNOCK AT DOOR

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-Hold your horses!

Philip, wait a sec.

-Yes?

-I'm here for Kevin.

Hide and seek.

-Who?

-Kevin.

We have to be quiet now, mate, OK?

We have to be quiet as little mice. That's the game.

Oh, hang on.

This Kevin you speak of, he's not about 18, um,

blond hair, skinny sort, vitamin deficient?

Sounds just right, yeah.

Well, I haven't seen anyone matching that description.

I know he's here with a kid.

Try next door, fat chap, he has visitors.

That's Kevin and some little brat

and that's you letting him into this house.

I find that very difficult to believe.

Looks exactly like a mobile telephone to me.

It's technology gone mad, gone mad, gone mad.

Look, don't make me show you mad.

You're a very aggressive young man.

Yeah, well, you've got to be in my line.

You don't have to be anything, son. You can turn the corner.

Look, just open the fucking door, will ya?!

(I can't see.)

(Shh.)

(We're blind mice.)

Now, where are your friends?

Er, in...in here.

Am I not making myself clear?

Give up that little rat!

(I thought we were mice.)

NIGEL GRUNTS Shhh!

NIGEL CONTINUES GRUNTING

You stupid old fuck.

Hiding him when he deserves everything...

NIGEL YELLS

..that's coming to him. Eh?

Putting yourself in harm's way. Huh?

NIGEL GRUNTS

My fault? No, no, no. It's not my fault.

No, it's you!

You with your fucking weird and your patronising bullshit!

"You don't have to be anything, son. Turn the fucking corner, son."

Well, fuck you!

I know - why don't I make you a nice cup of tea?

(I'm scared, Uncle 'Evin.)

(Mice don't get scared.)

KEVIN BREATHES HEAVILY

GUN COCKS

Drop the chopsticks.

Now, I know what you're thinking.

He's just trying to scare me with this dusty old ornament.

He might as well put it back on the mantelpiece where it belongs.

But on the other hand...

maybe...

this 1780s blunderbuss shotgun has, unlike yourself,

been lovingly cared for all of its life.

Fully functional, loaded

and all ready to blow your head clean off.

I suppose the question you've got to ask yourself is,

"Do I feel lucky?"

Well, do you...

..cunt?

Go on, off you fuck.

Phil, you're even better than Clint.

I've only myself to blame.

Tried to look too deep into a basic bog-standard waste of space.

Guess we'll go out the back way, then.

Don't look at me like that.

Time just passed.

Cos of all the fun and that.

What we was having?

Get your feet off my table.

Can't have been that worried. We weren't that late.

Oh, can't I?

Look, can't we just chill out?

Have some dinner or something?

I'm starving hungry.

All I had all day yesterday was a soft mint.

I haven't got food in for you.

And I'm not sure why I let you into my flat.

I'm not going to feed ya.

This is my museum in a shoe.

Oh, it's lovely.

We went to a real-life museum today where the grandad lives,

where all the dead animals are and millions of dust.

Where did you go, Kev?

What goes on in their little minds, eh?

Bananas.

-TV:

-'OK, so now we're melting the butter in the pan.

'We'll let that simmer, and whilst that happens,

'we'll get onto my favourite part of all,

'which is preparing the biscuit base.

'Now, you can do this with any oaty biscuit

'however, my mother used to...'

Do I have to eat all of this, Mummy?

Yes, you do. Every last bit.

'So in order to recreate this effect,

'I've used an assortment of delicious biscuits

'such as Hobnobs and Digestives,

'and rather than using a blender,

'we can indulge in some childish fun

'and put the biscuits in a plastic bag

'and then with a rolling pin

'we can crush them up into little bits,

'which gives you a result that looks a bit like this.

'Then once we've had our biscuit fun,

'we preheat the oven...'

Finished, Mummy.

That was quick.

'..or gas mark four, if you have a gas oven,

'and then in a bowl, mix up the crushed biscuits with the butter.'

Fancy making yourself useful today?

I just woke up.

-I love waking up.

-Why?

Because I hate going to sleep.

MOBILE PHONE BUZZES

I could go out tonight, if I wanted to go out.

You should go.

Have some fun for a change.

I'm here to babysit him.

I have got a purpose after all.

Be back here by six...

OK? Cos I want to go.

I wasn't planning on going out today.

You're not staying around my flat all day. Go find a job.

-But...

-But nothing.

No way!

Who's there?

It's me, Kevin.

Go away!

I've got something for you. Open up.

Before you get killed!

I told you, be gone!

Fuck off!

Go away!

You don't mean that, Philip.

If you don't let me in, then who? Who else have you got?

Spend the rest of your life on your own,

sitting in your living room, surrounded by dead stuff.

Check this shit out.

What are you playing at?

Honestly, just have a look.

I swear you'll love it.

Bloody step.

Hip.

It's only your new ride.

If I wanted to get about,

I could get about absolutely anywhere I wanted to,

if I wanted to get about.

Sure. Especially now,

down the shops and everything on your new lease of life.

It's stolen.

No-one'll know. We'll paint it.

Blue, it'll be an absolute granny magnet. They'll be all over you.

Thought that counts, ain't it?

You're trying to make up for being a thief...

by offering me a stolen peace offering?

Stolen from a very rude witch, actually so, you know,

don't really count.

Witches have broomsticks, not go-karts. This must be yours.

Let's have a fucking tea, then.

Ugh, bloody delinquent.

Come on, Grandad.

What did you used to do for a living?

Must've been living once.

Teaching.

Little bastards who couldn't care less.

Much like yourself.

Wasting my time.

You think I'm a waste of time?

I can be anything I want, mate.

-Potential, that's what I got.

-For what?

Potential to be something good, innit?

What difference does it make? Why be anything at all?

I'll show them they was wrong about me.

Prove to them I'm not a piece of shit like I was always told.

I'll make something of myself.

And that'll be my revenge.

A massive fuck you to every one of them bastards what wrote me off.

Including you.

Not what I thought I'd become.

I thought...

Well, I wanted to think...

..but glug, glug, glug, glug...

I don't drink any more.

I superglued the tops on all the bottles years and years ago.

But what bloody good did it do me?

KEVIN WINDS THE CLOCK

They all buggered off anyway.

CLOCK BEGINS TO TICK

Far, far away.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

What did I tell you about touching my things?

It works.

If I'd wanted it to work, I'd have wound it myself, would I not,

years and years ago?

How can you be good when you destroy everything you touch?

I ain't destroyed nothing.

What about my silence?

Fine.

Maybe I have destroyed nothing, then.

Cos that's what silence is - nothing at all!

And that's all you've got, mate.

Nothing that ain't there.

Well, that's what you've got to look forward to, then, isn't it?

When you've seen all your potential tick, tick, tick away,

and you've got nothing to show for your time but shush!

Anyone ever told you you're a bit of a buzzkill?

I tried my best for you, boy, but you, you...

You can't even keep still for five minutes.

Plain stupid, it seems, stupid, stupid, stupid, it seems!

Good. What nonsense. You haven't got it in you.

Mean and horrible!

That's why no-one wants nothing to do with you any more!

No wonder your family just left you!

Who could put up with that?

Who could stand that?

Why are you here, then?

Why don't you just go?

I didn't ask you to burgle my house.

Just go!

Like you said, pretend it never happened.

Is that really what you want?

SHOUTING

-Ha-ha! Kevin, your face, man!

-Ay, Kevin, you're alive!

Bro! We thought you were defo dead

or, like, locked up or something, man.

Yeah, how was the burglary?

He caught me.

He had a gun.

Shit, man, you all right?

We got chatting, and...

He's a bit grumpy and that, but...

he's OK, really.

Yo, yo, what do you mean by, "He's OK"?

In his own kind of way, innit?

Just...

Not so bad, just...

All on his own, like.

Yeah, it's just cos, where I'm standing, man,

you sound like some old batty man's rent boy or something!

Piss off, man! You don't know nothing about nothing, man.

You were pretending to be his friend, right?

Earning his trust, right?

So you could find the loot

and rob the miserable fuck of everything he's got, right?

-Yeah!

-Knew it!

-Not such a bitch after all!

What are you putting the dust on your face for, Mummy?

To look beautiful.

How long will it take?

BUZZER BEEPS

'Who goes there?'

Um...

Yeah, my name's Tom. Um...

You must be...

Yeah. I think I'm calling for your mummy?

GROWLY VOICE: 'Better come on up. If you dare!'

GIGGLING

Um, thank you.

Hi there.

Oh, I'm Tom.

You must be Becky's younger brother.

Who am I, then?

Um...

Her child?

What's my name?

Um...

W...

I... I'm not sure.

You need to know my name if you're going to be my new daddy.

OK.

Steady on.

Yeah, nice to meet you, too.

Don't tell him to steady on.

He's only four. He can be as unsteady as he likes.

Oh.

You look lovely.

Those for me?

Yeah.

Lovely.

Stick them in some water.

Not in the fish bowl.

Goodnight. Sleep well, yeah? Give Mummy a kiss.

LIPS SMACK

All right, I'll see you in a bit.

-Coming?

-Yeah.

"To Gregory.

"An angel..."

Come on, Grant. Total Recall's on.

TV PLAYS

CLOCK TICKS

HE SIGHS

Oh, fuck it.

SQUEAKING

More Arnie!

If your mum comes in and finds us still awake,

then we won't be allowed lads' night again.

Not till you're 18.

No more Arnie for 14 years, man.

Oh, go on, then.

Hello.

PHONE: ''Sup, 'sup? It's K to the E to the V to the I to the N!

'Leave a message, bitches,

'and I'll get back to you when I've got some credit.

'Cos times are hard.'

'Sure as the new day is coming, be sure of this.

'I will find you,

'and I will cut you into thin strips,

'and I will put them into a pita bread with salad and chilli sauce.

'That's right, Kevin.

'You are a kebab.

'You are my kebab!

'Mm! Mm!'

HE MIMICS CHEWING

HE SOBS

What...? Where you going?

Where you going?

Look... Come back!

Look... Look, please don't go. I'm sorry!

Look, look, come back and sit in my car for a while longer, yeah?

-You won't regret it, I promise you.

-I already flipping do!

I barely even groped you. What's your bloody problem?

Can I have my arm back, please?

THROUGH INTERCOM: 'I can see you, punk!

'Now, you let go of her arm before I come down there

'and do something I won't regret!

'Something totally brutal with a rolling pin!'

You heard him.

Thank you for a lovely evening.

DOOR UNLOCKS

DOOR CLOSES

KEYS RATTLE

You OK, sis?

I had it under control, you know.

I don't know why I bothered.

Took a chance, at least.

BUZZER BEEPS

Flipping heck!

Who does he think he is? He's going to wake up Grant!

Maybe it's someone else.

Well, whoever it is needs to know

they can't call at this time of night!

You can disconnect the buzzer.

Let me see.

Ah! A museum monster!

Who is this?

Hello, sweetheart.

I'm looking for Kevin.

Kevin?

Yeah, your brother, so I'm told.

You know the one. Kevin.

You're Becky. I'm his mate, like.

Do you not think it's a little bit late to be calling?

Do you know what time it is?

Borrowed time.

And I want paying back, by yesterday.

Listen.

I've got enough of my own problems...

let alone dealing with his.

So push off.

OK. I'll...push off.

But I'll catch you later, yeah?

It's not my fault.

All I wanted was to get the clock back.

But I accidentally borrowed...

I think you should go.

What?

Outside?

Where am I supposed to even go?

You're supposed to look after yourself.

Sorry.

NIGEL SHOUTS

Please, please, please, please, please...

BUZZER BEEPS

What are you doing? Hmm?

Huh? Where's me money, huh?

What do you have to say for yourself?

-Get off him! Get off him!

-Mind your fucking business...

What the fuck do you think you're doing?

If you touch my brother...

..I'll hurt you.

And I'll keep on hurting you...

..and you won't be able to make it stop

until I say so.

But I won't say so.

Lucky he's got you.

But then you're not so fortunate in the exchange.

PHONE RINGS

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yeah. Count me in.

Yeah, the usual.

Yeah, I'll meet you there.

I'm not far.

As I was saying...

..I want my money, or his blood.

Like it or not, you're still his blood.

And so is your offspring up there. You get me?

I want £1,000 by tomorrow!

Or I will rain down ON ALL OF YOU

with Shaolin fury!

If you ever come round here again...

..I'll get very cross.

Do you get me?

You've been warned!

Likewise.

You all right?

I have to sort this mess out.

You're hurt.

I didn't want you to get hurt.

I ain't hurt bad.

Come upstairs and I'll fix you up.

Grant can't see me like this.

He'll have bad dreams.

I'll sort this mess out, sis.

You'll see, I will.

I'm just saying, battered sausage.

Sausage in batter, it's not right.

Flipping fuckers!

Still not having it.

There's no way he'd beat fucking Chuck Norris.

Oh, shit.

Think I've lost my keys.

Twat!

Have you got your keys?

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Fuck!

Well, if I knew where I'd lost them,

then they wouldn't be fucking lost, would they, soft lad?

Yeah, but my Death Star was on that.

Yeah, but I can't get one like that, can I? My nan gave me that.

What now?

It's me again.

Kevin.

Oh.

HE LAUGHS

It ain't that funny.

At all, really.

-SLURRING:

-It's just...

-Have you been...?

..covered in all the... all the blood.

I thought you didn't drink no more?

I glued the lid on that gin years ago.

Seems...come unstuck.

Look.

I need to talk to you about something seriously serious.

Oh, it does sound serious.

-Been having a bit of a mental mood, have we?

-Indeed.

Listen, right.

See that nutter what I owe?

Well, I just found out he's bloody stitched me up!

With his flatmate, or something.

Not even a real debt! It's...

..extortionation...

thingy.

It's all out of hand now.

And not just for me, either.

I can't defeat him.

He's a ninja.

I'll have to pay, somehow.

It's all about self-preservation.

You need help to stay alive.

I need help...

..well...

..afterwards.

Afterwards?

You've completely lost it.

Do you know what this is?

It's an embalming machine.

It's a collector's item.

Picked it up years ago, but it still works.

You simply have to pipe the intake tube

into the carotid artery...

..and the outtake tube into my jugular vein.

It fills me with formaldehyde.

A preservative chemical.

Then we pipe the outflow into next door's garden.

HE LAUGHS

Bastard. He always hated my guts.

Is this a joke?

No, far from it.

It's a job.

It's a job! Proper job, job, job!

I'll pay you all the money you need.

And more.

All you have to do is follow some simple instructions.

I just need your word.

Do you know how mental you sound?

Yes.

Can't you just pretend?

Pretend to help and then take the money,

that's your style, isn't it?

I can hardly check on your handiwork from the afterlife.

At least I'd die happy.

It wouldn't be fair for me to get your hopes up.

And besides...

..you can't top yourself.

Everybody's gone.

I'm already dead in their eyes.

At least I'll be a well-preserved specimen,

instead of sitting in that chair,

under the deluded impression that I'm still alive.

And then they'll have to remember me.

Mm-hm. Like you said...

Revenge is as good a reason as any to make something of yourself.

I wasn't talking about growing up to become an ornament.

I want to be with my animals.

But...

you're alive, mate.

No.

You don't understand.

It all makes sense to me.

No wonder you had to stop drinking, man.

Fucking nightmare!

Thought I was the one crying for help.

Cry for help?!

I don't need you.

I don't need anybody.

Fuck off. Go on, fuck off.

Fuck off. Fuck off.

Go on, go far away, far away.

And never fucking come back.

HE BELCHES

HE PANTS

Sit yourself down, Philip. You're unsteady on your feet.

Yes. I'll do it myself.

-Oh, get the fu...!

-What...?

PHILIP MUTTERS

CLATTERING

CLOCK TICKS

PHILIP SIGHS

WHIRRING

WHIRRING STOPS

HE PANTS

Shaolin wisdom tells us...

..that you...

are an extortionating...bastard.

-Yeah! Who's the master?!

-VIDEO GAME PLAYS

-HE SQUAWKS:

-Ooh! Wah!

Woohoo!

That's it, die! Die!

HE SQUAWKS

-No eyes!

-HE SQUAWKS

'Game over.'

No, fuck off. This is a piece of shit.

-Yeah, the controller.

-If I had that controller, right,

-I'd kick your fucking arse.

-They're the same.

-You fucking bellend.

-The same.

-It's not even fucking fair!

LAUGHTER

Not fair?

You're living in...

Pa-ba-bala-bon.

Bitches.

What the fuck do you think you're doing in here, lad?

The way of...

the Kevin.

Are you suicidal or what?

Oh, 'ello. That old thing again, is it?

-JAMAICAN ACCENT:

-Whoa, whoa, man. It's a misunderstanding, that's all.

Take it easy, young blood.

Warm blood, true love. Remember? Like ya said.

Even if it didn't sound good when you said it, you were right.

One love, true.

True?

You ain't even real!

Oh, man. Of course I am, man.

LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT: "Me fucking controller. Fuck!"

I just heard you.

What's wrong with you people?

Why pick on someone like me?

Why not just do normal crime?

Like normal scousers?

HE LAUGHS

Don't move.

Get on your knees now.

Please. NECK CLICKS

Even if that thing does work,

you're forgetting whose hands it's in.

It's still you, Kevin.

You're still my takeaway dinner.

Like the panther, I will simply pounce on you

with ninja stealth and snatch your life with my bare hands!

Get your own fucking life, you prick!

-Fuck!

-What?!

You could've fucking killed me!

Killed the fucking controller.

You threaten my family again...

..like a leopard...

I will shoot you...

in the face.

Right in the face. The face.

-Listen, the boy's right.

-What?!

I said he's right.

What the fuck does that make me, then? What does that make me?

What does it make you? It makes you fucking wrong.

The hell's wrong with you? Threatening the boy's family?

You've gone too fucking far!

Listen, don't worry, young blood.

You'll get no more trouble from that fucking bumbaclart.

HE PANTS

You dare undermine me in front of my kebab?!

-HE SHOUTS

-Oh, fuck!

THEY STRUGGLE AND SHOUT

Agh, fuck!

You're fucking breaking me neck! Get off me, you fucking fat git!

-Fucking...

-OK, OK.

-What you saying?

-You're the master! You're the master!

-You reckon?

-I can't breathe!

Fucking hell!

You can sleep on the top bunk. Please!

Agh! Fucking...! I can't breathe!

Me broken back! Agh!

SQUEAKING

CLOCK TICKS

Uh!

Why don't you go and sleep upstairs, mate?

Do your back in, sleeping like that.

What are you doing here?

Help the aged, innit?

Oh!

What did I...?

Don't ask.

BIRDS CHEEP OUTSIDE

Been wearing my coat?

Just borrowing it, mate.

Come on.

Oh!

Oh, thank you very much.

I sorted it, sis.

I did it.

Like I said I would.

-THROUGH INTERCOM:

-'Where have you been? Are you all right?

Not only that...

They aren't moving.

No, they don't, you see?

Can't you change the batteries?

Um...

Well, they don't take batteries, I'm afraid.

Can I play with them?

Sorry, little chum. It's just for looking at.

Can you do this?

Oh...

Not so much any more.

It's easy.

Well, I'm too old for that.

But when I was your age, I could do it easily.

You were my age?

Yeah, once upon a time.

Will I be your age?

Yep, one day, God willing.

What's "God willing"?

Oh, no-one knows.

CLOCK TICKS

Why did you say that?

Oh, it's just old man's words.

Why?

Just something old men say.

Why?

The more you ask, the less sense it'll make.

Why?

Y is a crooked letter and you're no better.

-HE LAUGHS

-Come on.

Come on.

What's funny?

Y is funny.

Don't start that again.

Why?

Z.

Got you.

-PHILIP COUGHS

-Oh!

VEHICLE APPROACHES

You'd never believe this shit, yeah?

I heard Kevin killed Ninja Nigel, yeah?

And now they're calling him Samurai Kevin, still!

-Killed him?!

-Killed him.

-Killed him, man.

Oh, yeah, listen, yeah. I heard something.

Yeah, cos I heard, yeah...

I heard that Samurai Kevin killed the Shadow Man.

-The fuck?!

-Who the fuck is the Shadow Man?!