West Skerra Light

Midnight.

Time we turned in.

Tell us another story.

A ghost story.

Tell us about that crazy woman in the lighthouse.

She's not crazy.

She's a lovely, gentle woman.

In fact, a long time ago, under different circumstances,

we could have been...

..never mind.

But don't be unkind.

Poor Frances McGillvray has had her share of tragedy.

She had a sister once - Rhonda.

As youngsters they were inseparable.

And then Frances met a handsome fisherman by the name of Nicol.

Rhonda took a shine to him too but she wasn't as bonny as

Frances and he never noticed her.

A jealousy grew inside the sister and hardened like a black diamond.

Frances and Nicol decided to marry...

..so one night Rhonda climbed to the top of that very lighthouse.

She looked down at the dark foaming waters below...

..and leapt to her doom.

SHE SCREAMS

Some say

that plain old Rhonda never perished.

That she roams this island to this very day, living off the land,

one eye missing, teeth all broken.

Oh, there's a curse on that lighthouse and all who set

foot in it.

Everyone who sets foot in it gets cursed?

Everyone.

My mum's the cleaner there, is she cursed?

How often does she clean it?

Twice a week.

Cursed.

Postman?

He'd be all right, see, cos it's just his fingers in the letterbox.

What if he goes in for a cup of tea?

Probably cursed.

-It's a bed and breakfast, isn't it?

-Yes!

Aye, and it's got four stars on Trip Advisor.

Look, all I know is if you set foot in that lighthouse you're cursed.

What if you've come back from the war, your feet have been

blown off by a land mine and you enter in a wheelchair?

It is possible to be too clever, Sunny Jim.

He's talking shite.

Ach, a good story's beyond you lot.

Away back to your iPads and your Game Boys.

What's a Game Boy?

Shut yer hole, ya wee dick.

He's an alkie, man.

HOOT

Let's go, let's go. You all right? You going to be sick?

Allow me, lass.

I've got this, driver.

All ashore that's coming ashore!

Back on dry land, princess.

Excuse me.

What?

Can I have my hat back, please?

Gregor! I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry.

Prick.

I can't stay in that.

Come on, it's just for a few nights.

No, really, it's my heights thing.

You're not scared of heights. Phobias are made up pish.

I used to have a phobia.

Of books?

I used to have a phobia of being a skinny wee ride and now I'm not.

That's not a phobia.

HARSH CAW

It's only a bird. Don't get birdophobia.

It's looking at me.

It's got a brain the size of a pea.

You'll get on well with it then.

That's my girl, a bit of fighting spirit.

See, he's away.

This place is beautiful.

Heh, Lana...

CAWING, SHE SCREAMS

What are you pecking at, you dick? Get off my bird...

bird.

You OK?

That was horrible. Did you see that? It went for me deliberately.

No, it didn't.

You're bleeding.

You needing some assistance here?

We're fine, thanks.

You'll need some antiseptic balm on that right away.

Here...allow me.

All right, House, it's just a scratch.

Are you OK?

Did those birds have a crack at you, dear? Bold as brass.

She's fine.

They've no fear. Welcome to West Skerra Light.

You must be Lana and Gregor.

I'm Gregor. This is Lana.

I don't know who this clown is.

I'd be honoured to have such a fine young lass on my arm, but alas, no.

I'm Tom Cullen. Pleased to finally meet you, Mrs McGillvray.

Call me Frances.

Frances it is.

Would you like a wee shortbread?

We're off sugar.

Aren't I lucky? Two big, fine strapping men.

Two? Who's the other one?

Kidding on, pal. Pulling your pisser.

Aren't you the pretty young thing? Come on into the warm.

Come on.

The bathroom is shared.

No peeing in the sinks because you can't be bothered trekking

down the hall.

I'll know if you have.

I was born in the morning but I wasn't born this morning.

There's no tea and coffee in the rooms but there are biscuits,

which are 50p per biscuit or two for a pound.

If you want a hot bath you'll need 50ps for the meter.

And you'll have to space the baths two hours apart,

cos the boiler's quite small.

If you need anything else, anything at all,

don't, don't, don't hesitate to ask.

Do you have any paracetamol?

No.

How much for a duster?

That area's off limits to guests, dear.

So full of history, it's intoxicating.

Defo, my man. We'll be getting intoxicated tonight, eh?

That's a striking painting.

Thank you. My husband loves it.

It's historically relevant to this lighthouse.

Two Spanish ships were caught in a terrific storm.

This boat, La Doncella de la Muerte, roughly translated as

The Maiden of Death, was lost with all souls on board.

But this boat, La Cortez, roughly translated the Cortez, ran aground

and that's why the lighthouse was built by my ancestors.

And, eh, who are these chaps here?

That's the brothers Jiminez.

I think it's pronounced Himinez.

Is it really, dearie?

So what happened to the Himini, Jimini, Himini,

what happened to the brothers?

They survived and made it out the water.

Then they all fell out and ate the youngest.

Then the middle one caved in the eldest ones head with

a rock and he got ate.

So then there was one?

Yes, until the British Militia arrived and shot him to bits

for being a filthy foreign cannibal.

Bad luck seems to dog this place.

But the council tax is low.

Is the painting included in the price?

Yes. The artworks are integral.

I feel they belong here.

Price?

I was going to tell you tonight, Lana.

Tell me what?

I'm wanting to buy the lighthouse.

We all are.

That's why we're here.

Yeah...

What?

It was a surprise but she hoored it.

Thanks, love.

Well, you need to understand, young man,

my family's lived in

this lighthouse for generations.

I won't just sell to the highest bidder.

I need to know that my home is going into the right hands.

To the right sort of person.

While you're all vetting the lighthouse,

I'll be vetting you.

A WOMAN SHOUTS

These slacks are clean on. You're making it worse, Bill.

Who wears a white trouser in Scotland mid-winter?

You should be wearing a brown trouser.

Well, you would say that with the carnage that goes on in your trousers.

What are you talking about?

It's muggins here that washes them.

I find all sorts in his trousers.

Toffees, buttons.

I found a ticket with the Transformers no less.

I like the cars into robots.

You like your photos.

You can't take him anywhere.

You still let me pay for this but, didn't you?

He wants to buy a lighthouse,

which is fine with me because I'll be in Barbados.

This is Bill and Joan, everyone.

Oh, photo!

Oh, for God's sake, Joan, they're total strangers. Leave them alone.

He hates getting his photo taken.

I used to like it, about a million photos ago,

before she burnt out my retinas with the flash.

She's got photos of me with the postman.

Smile!

Aww.

Right, well, I think I'll take a constitutional.

Get some air while the weather's good.

Anyone care to join?

That sounds nice.

Fancy it, Bill?

Oh, no, on you go, love.

I can always look at the photos.

What about you two?

Actually, I think we need to have a chat.

Aye, we'd love to come.

It's bound to rain.

The yellow macs hanging by the door are for the guests so please feel free to use them.

Four pounds a day, eight pounds for two days.

As tonight is the winter solstice, the longest night,

we'll all gather at midnight for the firework.

Do you mean fireworks?

No.

Right.

Looks like it's a bit blowy.

Hmm.

Well, they all seem nice.

Pfft.

Thank goodness it's no your decision then.

Don't know why you want to sell.

You're always away on that bloody fishing boat,

or sat there in that armchair knackered, no use to anybody.

You don't lift a finger.

HE SIGHS

We're on the bones of our arse here, Nicol.

You're not making any money, and with the best will in the world,

that's unlikely to turn round any time soon, is it?

So it's up to me.

It's my home and I say it's time to sell.

-CRASH

-Now look what you made me do.

Ooh, ooh, trouble in paradise.

You OK?

What was going through your head?

Oh, the lighthouse? It's magic.

It'll be great.

That's not the point. You should've talked to me about it.

I should've told you about my surprise? That's a shite surprise. Here.

Gregor, you've no understanding of other people's feelings.

You're not even capable of reading a situation.

-Lana...

-Ah.

Bloody hell! What are you doing?

Meditating.

Meditating?

Meditating on whether or not to finish this bottle

of delicious whisky.

It was a birthday present from my good lady,

but don't tell that to the wife, do you get me?

No.

I was inferring that I've got a mistress. Not true of course.

Nothing?

Tough cliff.

Would you like a mouthful?

She doesn't drink whisky.

Well, I'm no asking you, thunk, you'd likely guzzle the lot of it,

size of you.

Wouldn't like to clean out your cage in the morning.

Have a great night.

But whatever you do,

stay away from there.

The lighthouse?

Aye, lassie.

But the name lighthouse does it a dis-service.

For it is a tower of darkness and a dark creature stalks its grounds.

It is death, death to go there.

We're actually staying there.

Are you?

Yip, two nights paid in advance.

Well, I'm sure it'll be fine.

No, go on, what do you mean?

Ignore me.

I was the handyman there.

But I quit, must be ten years ago now.

Why did you quit?

I saw something that turned my hair white.

Your hair's not white.

Just For Men, love.

What age do you think I am?

56?

Who told you?

Nobody.

Bloody Just For Men, it's supposed to shave years off you.

Five pounds eighty pissed up a wall.

Hey! You never said what you saw.

And I never will.

No-one believes me. But I've seen her.

Her sister lives still.

Twisted, wrong.

But I'll never speak of it.

Quite right.

I think we should get back.

Ah, na, it's just a bit further.

It'll be dark soon, Gregor.

Come with me!

You know, Gregor, there's a big problem in this relationship.

You don't listen.

Hold that thought!

-Lana?

-A WOMAN SCREAMS

Lana, come here.

I'm doing this by myself, am I?

Allow me.

Oh, thank God.

Thank you so much.

Don't mention it.

That would've been the end for me.

Well, you're OK, you're safe now.

That's the closest I've ever come to dying.

Can I get a photo?

Yeah, sure. Shall we just move away from the edge?

Oh, let me take a look at that ankle.

Yeah, that's pretty badly swollen.

I've not got my first aid kit with me.

Do you think you could walk on it?

I'll carry you, love.

It's OK, son.

She's my patient now.

My hero.

I get the picture, mate.

You sweep in, hoover up all the credit.

I'll not cock-block you.

Are you wanting carried?

No.

Thanks for your help.

Whoa, stop, what's that? There!

Where?

Turn me back, turn me back!

Gone now.

I saw something, though. I felt it too.

Did you feel it?

A coldness, a presence,

or lack of a presence.

A dead space.

It was as if...

Look, is it OK if we press on?

Oh, yes, of course, sorry.

Oh, oh, it's bloody freezing.

Oh. Happy winter solstice, eh,

to me and all my work pals on the ferry.

Oh, wait. It's all bloody computers now.

It's only me. Woop-de-do.

Bloody computers. Bloody ferry.

Bloody...

..solstice.

FAINT SINGING

GIGGLING

I'll get this, love. You'll ruin your dress.

Use the coaster, Bill, that's what it's there for.

SLAM

That's private, dear.

Sorry.

Is that your sister?

Yes, God rest her.

Joan, here, thought she saw something out by the cliff today.

Saw what?

Someone.

My sister, no doubt,

foraging for nuts and berries in her undergarments.

I've heard the tales. Hogwash.

Those little toe-rags down by the sea wall have been flapping

their tongues again.

Actually, it was an old fella. Gillespie. Used to work for you.

He's an old sot. I had to sack him.

He nearly burnt the place to the ground toasting

a pop tart one night, steaming.

Probably a wild cat you saw.

It wasn't a cat, it was a human.

It was wearing a nightie. It had a wraith-like presence.

Did you get a photo of it?

No.

Joan, you took 120 photos, you've got 90 pictures

of a seagull but you didn't fancy a snap of the wraith-like presence?!

No, who wants to see that, eh?

Here, Tom, that's a lovely, cheesy, big grin you've got on your face there, snap.

You're only showing up one person here, William, and it isn't me.

Who is it, then?

I think she means her husband.

I know what I saw.

Joan.

You nearly had a bad accident.

You've had a shock.

I'm just glad you are still in one piece.

I wouldn't be if it wasn't for you.

Who'd like another drink?

Nice one! I'll have a pint and she'll have...

See, if I want a drink, I'll order it myself.

Well, what is it you want, then?

For you to stop bossing me around like I'm your property.

Aye, where's this coming from?

You don't buy a house without consulting your partner!

I know, what a fanny I am.

I was trying to do a nice thing for you.

You treat me like a china doll, like I'm not a real person.

Course you're a real person, you're my bird.

Enjoy the firework.

DOOR SLAMS

Goodbye, my love.

FAINT SINGING

She's letting off steam.

She'll be back.

FLUTTERING

Are you OK?

No

You'll need to jump in the tractor if you mean to catch the last ferry.

How did you know I was leaving?

I was born with mysterious psychic powers.

Lovers tiff?

That's none of your business.

Quite right, none of my business.

So are you back on the market?

I'm joking. I'm happily married.

I'm married. 30 years, love.

Nelson Mandela territory, you know what I'm saying?

Ferry?

Yes, indeed.

This is very kind of you.

Oh, not at all. It's the least I could do.

There's just one thing.

What's that?

You'll need to drive cos I'm steaming.

I can't drive a tractor!

Course you can. It's just like driving a car.

I can't drive a car.

Well, this should be interesting.

Gregor always drives.

Maybe we should go get him?

No!

Excuse the smell, my dog has shat in here.

That magic tree is 15 years old.

It's doing its best but its on its last legs.

The ferry?

Yes! Turn that...

ENGINE STARTS

Put your foot on that. Put your foot on that.

Shift that forward.

Very gently lift your foot off...

ENGINE ROARS

I'm fine, didn't feel a thing. The booze numbed it.

Off we go.

THUMPING ENGINE, BEEP

I felt that.

Ooh, my neck. You dirty hoormeister.

Argh. You're killing me here!

Maybe we should go back and give the boy another chance, dear.

Do you think the big chap will be back down?

You'll not see him again.

He'll be upstairs pulling the lid off it.

Don't be so crude, Bill.

This place is wonderful, isn't it?

I mean, so much potential.

What would you do with it ?

I'd give it a right going over.

I'd modernize it.

You know, put in triple glazing but keep the character and the charm.

Solar panels. Carbon neutral.

It'd make a fantastic marine observatory.

I'd love to get my hands on it.

That sounds nice.

I'd leave it alone if I was you.

That painting is exquisite, isn't it?

-What is it?

-Swan Lake.

Correct.

I'm off to my scratcher.

Oh, it's not late, is it?

I think I might turn in early as well.

Not a problem. Saves me buying a firework for next year.

How did I do?

For a city girl, exceptional.

Good use of the mirror, good control.

And under the speed limit at all times.

You'll make a farmer yet.

Ha, really?

TRACTOR CREAKS

SPLASH

You forgot the handbrake, didn't you?

Do tractors have handbrakes?

Yes, yes, they do.

City girl, ha.

It's OK. I didn't really use it that much.

Just farming and that. Breadwinning.

My livelihood.

Look sharp, McGlick!

Customer!

It won't be the first time the old rascal's nipped into

the filthy schooner for a quick one.

McGlick!

What's that?

What?

-SHE SCREAMS

-We need to get the police.

Lassie, wait!

HE SNORES

Ah for...

The toilet's at the end of the hall.

Oh, bloody hell.

Oh, end of the hall, thank you.

Just got a wee bit lost there.

Yes, I can see that,

cos if you went in there you'd end up doing a jobbie in Tom's room.

Is that Tom's room?

Yes. Yes, it is.

Well, thank you for the local knowledge.

Good night.

Creepy bastard.

-Hello.

-Hello.

CLICK-CLACK

This light's not working.

Is it not? Oh, well.

Can I help you?

Have you seen Lana?

No.

Right.

Toilet's right there by the way.

Yes, thank you.

Hi, Tom.

Joan!

Toilet's at the end of the hall.

I know where the bloody toilet is.

Lana.

Hello?

CLICK-CLACK

Hello?

What are you doing here?

It's my bed and breakfast.

I think the power's out.

Must be the fuses.

Where's Lana hiding?

She went for the last ferry.

What?

Christ, it's dark.

For a big fella you really are shiteing it, aren't you?

Here, take this. You'll never make it to the ferry on time by the road.

Take the forest trail.

SCREAM OF JOY

Someone's in trouble.

SEX NOISES

That's my kind of trouble.

I'd sell a kidney for that kind of trouble.

Know what I mean, big yin? God speed.

Right.

Right, you, you big daft bugger.

You're going to find Lana, you're going to say sorry,

you're going to pop the question, and get back for the firework.

Then get your hole. If you can't get your hole on the longest night, you should just chuck it, son.

TWIG SNAPS

PANTING

TWIG SNAPS

HE GASPS

Oh, oh.

Lana?

Lana?

Oh, thank God.

SOBBING

Don't cry, sweetheart, I've been a dick.

This weekend has been very important

to me cos I've been trying to ask you a question.

A very big question.

I've been trying to ask you all weekend.

Lana,

will you do me the honour

of being my wife?

LAUGHING

Will you?

What you laughing at, you cow?

GREGOR SCREAMS

Slow down, lassie.

Miss the ferry, did we, missy?

Big lurch was looking for you.

The ferry's going nowhere.

McGlick is dead.

-What?

-Drowned like a rat.

Probably got drunk and fell overboard. Silly bastard.

Poor McGlick.

I think we should move inside.

Come, I'll make a pot of tea.

Och, the power's out.

That's the tea humped then.

Oh, there's shortbread and whisky.

I was saving it for the firework.

Come on, you get warm, I'll get the whisky.

I wish it was you and me buying this place rather than him.

We could run it together.

What are you talking about? I'm going to flatten it.

-What about the dolphin centre?

-Pfft.

That was a load of pish, trying to make a good impression.

I'm going to put in a golf course.

Get the Yanks over.

Gold mine.

Fuck the dolphins.

I like a man that thinks big.

CLICK-CLACK

SHE TUTS AND SIGHS

CREAKING

Also the power's out here.

We think it might have been tampered with.

Now, don't panic. We'll send someone along right away.

-When will you get here?

-Let's see.

Car, ferry, car, ferry, ferry, car, car, ferry.

Eh, we'll be with you tomorrow morning.

-But...

-You sit tight now.

DIALLING TONE

What are you up to?

I was just having a wee if that's all right with you.

Listen, I think there's...

The bed's stone-cold.

Tell me about it.

-SLAM

-What was that?

-You're embarrassing yourself.

-I'm embarrassing myself? No, you're embarrassing yourself.

-Nothing.

-Don't deny it. I sat and watched you looking at him.

You, you, you've cuckolded me.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.

I want to see that camera of yours then.

SLAP

You've probably been snapping pictures of his whalloper.

Oh, there we are. Philanderer. Is that your patter, is it?

Wrecking marriages? My marriage with my wife?

Look at you, big, stupid grin on your face.

Come on, then. Don't just lie there.

Stand up and face me like a man.

I'll teach you a lesson you'll never forget.

His schooling days are over, pal. He's dead.

Too right he is, once I get my hands on him.

No, I mean actually dead.

Oh, aye.

Tom, son. Are you with us?

He's dead right enough.

Oh, God. What could have done this to him?

Maybe he was over-exerting himself.

SCREAMING OUTSIDE

He's a goner, no question.

Oh, Gregor.

Bloody hell, he's still with us.

Quick, help him down.

-Lana...

-Don't speak.

Lana...

Shh, Gregor, save your strength.

HE SPLUTTERS

I need to ask you something.

Will you marry me?

Yes, Gregor. Of course I'll marry you.

Ya dancer.

You did the right thing, sweetheart.

Imagine how badly he would have felt going to his grave knowing

that you thought he was a big arsehole and you'd binned him.

You slag.

Oh.

CROW FLUTTERS AND CAWS

Well, that was awkward.

Very awkward.

His troubles are over.

Ours are just beginning.

She's back.

-She's going to kill us all.

-Who?

Frances's sister - Rhonda McGillvray.

I've checked the house top to bottom, there's no-one here but us.

Let's see if there's any wood at the back of the house. And nails.

We need to shut ourselves in until the police get here.

SHE SOBS

Here.

It can't be Rhonda. She's dead.

Can you be sure of that?

You know fine well something stalks this place.

This is a fantasy.

Even if she was still alive, why now?

You saw the "for sale" sign out there.

You know why.

2.70.

BANGING

All done here.

Oh, this is just dandy this, isn't it?

Mind you, it's not the first time I've had to barricade myself in.

This big lassie from the chippie was after me one time -

hands all fat burns, terrifying she was.

Wouldn't take no for an answer.

Hey, this isn't Graham Norton, pal.

I'm just trying to lighten the mood.

Oi, that's enough, you two.

Oh!

What is it?

It's all right. I just got a fright. It's Frances's man.

Hello, Mr McGillvray.

I'm surprised to see him here.

Why?

Because he drowned ten years ago.

Joan! Joan!

Joan! Joan!

Joan!

Argh!

What have you done with Frances, sickening harridan?

Frances? My dear sweet sister?

I throttled her.

And her love became mine.

After I lost him, my grief, my guilt, became my sickness.

This is our place. You can't buy it.

It's not for sale.

I must commend you on your really thorough job in nailing this door shut.

-Got a light?

-Why didn't you ask me that yesterday?

I'm giving that vapour thing a whirl. Here.

Enjoy the firework!

HE CRIES

Awwww. That was hellish.

Is it finished?

Awwwwwwwww.

What kind of stupid moron lights a firework indoors?

Ya stupid bastards.

CHUCKLING

It's not the first time I've hid in a basement because

of a crazed baldy woman.

The lassie that drives the mobile library

is a bit thin on top and she ...

Shut up.

Aye, sorry. Poor time for an anecdote. I accept that.

I'm an idiot.

You're not an idiot, you knew about this place.

Ex handy-man.

It's my job to know every nook and cranny of this place.

And I know that this window will give us access to her lush

and fertile front lawn.

HE SCREAMS

SHE PANTS

Oh!

Guests are not permitted in the basement, you naughty little girl.

It's not safe down here.

Come out, come out wherever you are.

Such a pretty girl, just like my Frances.

SHE SCREAMS

GRUNTING, GASPING

Oh, sake!

Rhonda!

Rhonda, my sweet.

Nicol.

Nicol, my love.

You've come home safe.

Come to my arms, my darling.

Hold me.

Help!

The longest night, eh?

I bet you'll be glad to see the back of this place, eh?

I don't know. It's kind of growing on me.

It's a wee bit old and creaky...

..but it has its charms.

You do know I was talking about the actual lighthouse there?

Of course! I'm not daft.

Here, is that Gillespie?

This isn't the first time I've spent the night hanging from a cliff face presumed dead.

This big barmaid that used to work in the Schooner.

Rugby player.

Could crack a lobster with her thighs.

Are you OK?

Och, aye.

Why did Rhonda bring us here if she didn't want to sell?

She didn't. Frances did.

Rhonda spent so long pretending she was her sister she didn't

know who she was.

On my old mother's bones, never again.

You are not my master.

Not so chipper now are you, you wee bastards.

What did I say?

Cursed!

Oh, I was happy to put the little fannies in their place.

But I knew deep down in my heart of hearts that the curse of

the West Skerra Light was lifted.

For a bit.

WATER BUBBLES

# Father won't be home tonight

# He fought the storm with all his might

# The wind had ripped his sails asunder

# Sea hag came and dragged him under

# Aha

# Father won't be home tonight

# The sea hag holds him tight

# The sea hag holds him tight. #