What We Did on Our Holiday

THUMP

Mickey, have a pee before you go. And in the toilet this time!

TV PLAYS SOFT MUSIC

Mickey! Move! Don't sit on the back of the sofa.

What? Whoa! Ah!

Right, come on, Jess, time to get a move on, OK? Come on.

Scottish grandad and his puppies are waiting for us.

OK? Let me take this. Oh! Jeez! What the...?!

Oh, for...! What's that?!

That's Eric.

-Eric?

-Yes. He wants to come to Scotland with us too.

Thing is, darling, Eric's a wee bit heavy, and... Hang on. There's...

What's this?! That's...

That's Norman.

That's...half a breezeblock. How did you even pick that up?!

I can't sleep without Norman.

You sleep with this in your bed?

No, that would be stupid!

He goes at the bottom of my bed

to make sure the bad ones don't come in.

So there's bad stones and good stones?

-Yeah. Like in real life.

-Sure.

CAR ALARM GOES OFF

-That's our car alarm!

-Oh, for God's sake!

ALARM BLARES

For Odin!

Argh!

PHONE RINGS

Bloody thing!

PHONE RINGS Bugger off!

No. I'm sorry, darling, we can't take Norman to Scotland. Or Eric.

Right. Then I'm going to hold my breath.

No, no, no. Don't do that. Jess! Jess! Jess!

Stop it! Jess! Jess!

OK, they can come. Look! Fine. See. They're coming. It's OK.

It's OK. Look. Look. In they go. In the bag.

-Oh!

-So our best friends are stones now?

-No, not all of them.

Some of them are bricks.

Well, have you, you know, spoken to anyone about it?

What? Like a geologist? No. This thing hates me.

I'm just saying,

obsessive collecting, it's rather abnormal behaviour for a child...

Oh, she's behaving abnormally, is she? I wonder why.

Oh, for Christ's sake, Abi, just get... OK, sweetie?

Everything all right?

-I need a list.

-A list?

Yeah. Of the lies we're going to tell.

In case I forget one.

That is a clove hitch.

It's just a list would be really helpful.

Now has anyone seen my house keys?

Oh, M25 slow moving between...

-Well, everywhere.

-It's just a list would be really helpful.

Darling, it's really very simple.

It's Grandad's 75th birthday party and we don't want to upset him

because he's... He's been a bit poorly.

He's getting better now.

Yes. But...

-ALARM GOES OFF

-Oh! Jesus H Christ!

Mummy, you're not suppose to say Jesus' name like that.

Oh, no, that's all right, darling. It's cos I'm asking for his help.

-To stop the car alarm?

-Yup.

-ALARM GOES OFF

-See.

Thank you, Jesus.

Right, come on. All aboard.

-Enemies of Odin!

-I want the window seat!

Have you got your key?

No, I gave you my key, remember?

Yeah. Yup.

-Well, we can't leave the house unlocked.

-Nope.

-I'm fully aware of that.

-Don't start.

-Nobody's starting, darling.

You supervise the little ones. That would be great.

-Where are you keys?

-I think someone's hidden them.

-Oh, for f...!

We've got to address this. How many times?

-Don't start!

-We're not starting, darling.

-Where are you going?

-Lucy.

Mum, she won't let me put her seat belt on.

-I don't like it!

-You've got to put the seat belt on.

She'll be through the window screen and cut into tiny little pieces.

Yes, thank you, Mickey. Oh! I've got a good idea.

Why don't we ask Eric if he knows how to...

-It is Norman, Mum.

-Norman. As I was saying.

Why don't we ask Norman if he knows how to put a seat belt on?

He's a breezeblock! And he doesn't have arms!

How can he possibly put my seat belt on.

Right. I'm putting it on.

It's the stone who needs the seat belt

because if we break hard it will go straight through your head

or Daddy's head if he's driving. For your information.

Oh, hi, Lucy.

Erm, Abi's managed to lose her key somewhere

and I just need to lock up, so can I borrow the spare?

She...

-Oh.

-Oh, no, Lucy. It's fine.

Oh, right.

-So...you're off on your travels?

-Yeah, visit my dad.

And you're driving all the way to Scotland?

-Yeah, that's right.

-Together?

-Yeah.

700...

We cannot drive to the Highlands in one day!

I told Gavin we'd be there tonight.

Well, we haven't got a cat's hope in...

-We can share the driving.

-What? With Jenson Button?

-Look.

-Please don't argue.

We're not arguing, darling, we're discussing.

This is how it starts.

You start off discussing and then end up shouting and screaming.

Then the policeman comes.

That was just a misunderstanding, sweetheart.

Sometimes when grown-ups discuss things...very loudly,

-people get the wrong idea.

-He let me play with his Taser.

-Well, he didn't let you.

-That was another misunderstanding.

He didn't say I couldn't.

Did the electricity feel nice, Daddy?

No, not nice.

So we'll all have a little holiday together?

Yeah. That will be lovely, won't it?

Does that mean that Daddy's going to come and live with us again?

Well, no, sweetheart.

We've been through all this, haven't we?

Oh, yeah.

And the important thing to remember is that Mummy and Daddy...

Both love you very much.

But then sometimes a mummy and a daddy reach a point where...

Well, things change and then one of them finds that they don't

really love the other one like they used to and then...

maybe because of that the other one...

makes a mistake.

-Like Lloyd's dad?

-Well...

that was actually quite a big mistake.

Running over Lloyd's mum with his car, that was...

No, I'm talking about a smaller mistake where one of them

does something that is...

A little bit silly and selfish with...

MUTTERS: someone at work.

So they find themselves having rows and...

Getting cross.

And then one of them goes to someone called a solicitor

and sometimes if one of them's getting angry...

One of them tells the solicitor to keep saying "no" to everything,

even though they are in the wrong, which means that even though

a mummy and daddy love the children very, very much and...

Always will.

..they just keep getting crosser...

..and crosser until the mummy and the daddy start

blaming each other for every tiny thing, even though

none of this would be happening

if the other one had just listened to him in the first place.

-Dad.

-Yes, Mickey.

These are a bit tight.

Dad! Dad!

We've brought your 12 o'clock pills!

Oh, chase me around the loch on water skis why don't you?

You left them behind! And...it's 12 o'clock!

Come on, you beauty! Come on!

With his heart, he is suppose to stay calm.

I mean...how can anybody get so worked up about fishing?

Oh, Jesus!

-You never think of looking left and right?

-Dad!

-Is this Scotland?

-No, darling, this is Watford.

CAR HORN BLARES

When Daddy wakes up, are you going to go, "I told you so,"

cos of traffic congestion?

No, darling.

Ah!

She's not going to say, "I told you so".

Jess! What did you do that for?

-It's rude to just wake someone up like that.

-That's right.

Oh, God. Look at this lot.

PHONE RINGS

Leave it.

Abi's phone.

Hang on.

It's Leon.

I'll call him back.

She'll call you back.

I feel car sick. Can I sit in the front?

Next time we stop, sweetie.

If we're allowed to.

SAT NAV: In 50 metres turn right.

Well, can't bloody turn right, can we?

-Cos there's no bloody right turn.

-She can't hear you. She's a robot.

She is the most overpriced, useless...

Can we change it to another voice?

Can we have it in Italian like we did last time?

No, that's how we ended up in Ipswich.

But we can have it in African language.

-Say for example either like Chad...

-Chad isn't a language.

-..or Zimbabwe...

-Is it?

-..or Bahamas?

PHONE RINGS

-Or even Israelian?

-Oh, God, it's Gavin.

Accept it. We're not going to get there tonight.

The traffic always gets better after the Leeds turn off.

-Hi, Gavin.

-Tell him we won't make it today.

Yeah, it is safe me talking to you because Abi's driving.

Tell him.

Because in England we let women drive.

Tell him.

No, we will make it tonight, just probably quite late. OK.

OK. Bye.

HORN BLARES

TRAFFIC DROWNS OUT SPEECH

HORN BLARES

Hello, I wondered if Sir Donald was in?

Thank you.

We've got three bulimics.

Do you think we should put them next to the buffet or away from it?

I think near the toilet is probably more important.

Eh, do you know, I think Doreen...she'll be more

comfortable away from the top table.

Well, maybe we should let your dad decide

because she is one of his oldest...

Sir Donald. Gavin.

-Yeah.

-..friends.

-Gavin.

Gavin McLeod. Yeah. I hear you got a hole in one at the 13th.

Well, word gets around, yeah.

BANGING

Well...

he won't be bothering us again.

Just wait there, kids.

I like being sick. It's like being a fountain.

-You know I was the sickest the most.

-No, I was.

Thanks for stopping for the night.

-I just want to get there as soon as possible.

-I know.

His T-shirt. His T-shirt would fill with vomit because of me.

Listen... PHONE RINGS

Oh.

I think it's a draw, OK?

You've both produced an equal amount of sick.

BOTH: But I still won.

Why are we putting ourselves through all this?

Maybe we should just tell your dad the truth.

No. No, it's too big a risk.

It can really upset him the idea of us splitting.

Please, Abi.

He can't have long. Let's just...

Let's just let him have his party.

Oh, Jesus Christ. No, no.

For the last time, Lottie, no-one's going to ask you if Mum

and me are living in the same house.

-Is there anything else you've not told me?

-No.

Why are you writing that down?

So you can't say you didn't say it.

OK. Kids, just to remind... Mickey, stop playing chip Jenga.

Just to remind everyone what we're saying is

when we get to Scotland nobody is to tell anyone that Mum

and me are living in different houses. OK?

Can we tell them that you accidently walked in

while the headmistress was doing a poo?

It's not really...

Can we tell them about tadpoles turning into frogs?

Absolutely. I think that that will be an excellent conversation.

That's a much better topic of conversation.

So as long as we're all agreed when we get there none of us

-mention anything about this. OK?

-I wasn't going to mention it anyway.

-It's boring.

-Exactly. Boring.

-It's lying.

It's not lying. It's not. It's not mentioning something.

What if someone asks me - are your mum and dad getting divorced?

Lottie, you're visiting your grandad.

You're not going on The Jeremy Kyle Show.

I hope we get another sunset tonight. Last night was fantastic.

It's the volcanic distant air refracting the low level sunlight.

Really?

I thought it was those new pills the doctor's got me on.

I must give you a couple of packets of the blue ones.

You can take them to school, sell them to your friends.

Make a tidy wee profit.

Here, play something.

HE PLAYS CLASSICAL PIECE

Nah, nah, nah.

Play the proper stuff. You know you like it.

You've got to cut loose, Kenny.

Go mental.

Dad says I need to concentrate on my exam pieces.

HE PLAYS CLASSICAL PIECE

SIRENS BLARE

SAT NAV: In 50 metres turn right.

Right.

Oh, Jesus!

-Why didn't you wake me?

-You said it was rude.

Not when I'm driving.

What's happening?

Daddy doesn't like me driving when he was asleep.

-What?! You were asleep?!

-Is this Scotland?

-You actually fell asleep?

-Not really.

Yeah, these are the Highlands, Mickey.

-How high are the Highlands?

-Were you sleeping?

-They're high. Higher than the Lowlands.

-Did you fall asleep?

-DOGS BARK

-Puppies!

Forgot the way to Scotland then, eh?

DOUG CHUCKLES

VOMITING

TOILET FLUSHES

So, Mickey, belated birthday present.

-I bet you can guess what it is.

-Is it a bicycle?

Is it a joke cushion that stabs you in the bottom?

-No, it is not.

-Is it a cow pie?

-Grandad!

-Grandad, happy birthday!

Hello, darling.

Whoo!

Hey, Dad?

-Gordie.

-Hello.

-Happy birthday.

-Thanks very much.

How's things, Dad?

Fine. Fine. Good. How's things with you?

-Brilliant.

-Fine. Super. More than.

-It is more fun, actually.

-Brilliant. Tremendous.

Fun. Isn't it? Yeah. Really, really good.

Right.

-I did you a birthday card, Grandad.

-Oh, thanks, Lottie.

She's got something of your mother, hasn't she?

-What? Can he not play with that?

-Oh, Mickey!

-Sorry.

I just wanted to show Grandad the bedroom, the revolving doors

and the nun with two heads.

-Nobody wants to see a nun with two heads.

-I do!

That computer's not for kids, OK.

-All the terminals are connected. It's...

-Synergised system.

That's right.

You know, the whole house virtually wireless.

-It's...more than an iCloud, it's...

-iFog.

It's an intelligent house.

Is it intelligent as a squid?

-As a squid?

-Cos it can fit through a hole like that.

I think it's intelligent in a way...

Can it draw a leopard?

-What?

-And can it do cartwheels?

-Is this house more intelligent than you?

-Mickey.

The system cost a lot of money, OK?

Yeah, well, it doesn't always mean it's intelligent.

It costs loads of money.

Yeah, you're not explaining at all well.

I think we should take you to the headmaster of your place because...

It's an intelligent house! OK?

You know, it's connected. Let there be light.

Now then, Clan McLeod, if you'll excuse me.

Where are the keys? They were there a moment ago.

Who could have taken them?

I don't know.

Magpies.

HE SIGHS

Magpies?

This is my domain. Only special people come here.

After you, my dear.

Ta-da!

Jess! This is insane!

I only asked you where the keys were.

Jessie. Jessie, just breathe. Take a big, big breath.

-Like a big, deep breath.

-She holds her breath?

-Yep.

-Ah, well, she can't do herself too much harm, eh?

Well, actually...

Till she blacks out. Unconscious.

That's quite extreme, isn't it? To hold your breath for that long.

Well, she can always become a pearl diver.

Where's Sir Donald gone?

Have you noticed anything odd about Doug and Abi?

Hey! What have you done to that helmet?

I took the horns off it.

London manners, eh?

Doug can't control him.

And as for her...

that's what happens when you marry someone too clever.

That's me when I was 20. When my skin was a little less orange.

Is that you with the monkey?

Yup. That was my 30th birthday in northern Rhodesia.

-We were looking for silver.

-Kneel before mighty Odin!

Do you not get birthdays after you're 75?

-What?

-Dad said to Mum that it's going to be Grandad's last birthday.

I heard him.

Oh, Blu Tack. Can I have this?

Sure. Tell you what, Mickey.

-Why don't you go check out on the puppies? See if they're OK.

-Sure.

I'm building a big...

You've heard of cancer.

Well, I've got that.

But you will get better?

Well, actually, no. They can't make me any better.

And the treatments they've been giving me

have been putting a terrible strain on my heart.

But right now, right this second, I feel brilliant.

-What is this?

-It's my notebook.

You know, Lottie, a lot of life doesn't look very good written down.

-So cousin Kenneth is the one who took the keys?

-Yeah.

-Isn't he a naughty boy?

-And where did cousin Kenneth put the keys?

-Right.

-Lost something?

-BOTH: No.

-Kenneth's been a very...

-PHONE RINGS.

-So you ready for that game of football?

-Leon, hi.

No, no, still very keen.

-Oh, nice header.

-Yeah, all right.

Maybe your parents just lied to protect you.

-Do you ever lie?

-Well, I've told lots of lies.

Lots and lots. I always lie to policemen.

They say, "What speed were you going?" I say, "30mph,"

when I was clearly doing much faster than that.

And I don't care.

Sometimes if your intentions are good...it's OK to lie.

And if you don't like someone's food at someone's house and you say,

"Oh, this is great," even though...

That's what you do. You don't say, "My God.

"I think I'm going to vomit here."

What your saying is, it's OK to lie to some people sometimes?

Yeah, it's also good fun. For instance.

See if we can find him in here. George Judd.

There he is. That's him there.

We told him there was an elephant leech clinging to his bollocks.

He got such a fright he completely fainted.

Is that you?

-No, I'm the wee one.

-Who's that?

Eh...

How could I forget?

Dip me in vinegar and call me a fish supper.

I have here a chocolate model of the Alps.

Ta-da!

He's weaving his magic!

He's clean through.

-Foul!

-Oh, come on. I hardly touched you.

And so it begins.

-Kenneth, your ball!

-Oh!

-Oh, for Christ's sake, Kenneth!

-Gavin, please.

What is wrong with you? Crying out loud.

-Come on.

-Mickey, this is your ball!

I'm a Berserker!

Can you stop being a Berserker...! Ah! Ow!

-And England are rattled.

-I'm not England!

You're so English you're practically French.

Oh, no! I think I see a marauding Berserker.

Help! Oh!

-Oh! That would have killed me...

-I've killed you!

..if I didn't move my heart at the last minute to the other side.

-Thank goodness.

-You can't.

-Yes, you can.

When you're Scottish you've got a moveable heart.

-Oh!

-You're dead.

-Jess! Jess, kick it in the goal!

Kenneth, you spaz!

Gavin, please!

Get the bloody ball!

She's going to score!

Jess! Are you OK?

Darling.

I'm so sorry, Jess. I'm sorry, everyone.

-It's all right.

-I'm really, really sorry.

-It wasn't your fault.

-No. No, it WAS his fault.

Is she OK?

No harm done. You're all right, aren't you, darling?

Come on, Jess, let's get you some ice cream.

I'll make you a hot chocolate...

I'm just going to take this penalty.

-Did you really play for Scotland?

-Aye, I did. Just the once.

Against Cyprus.

-Did you score?

-I certainly did. A cracking header into the top corner

of my own net.

That's probably why you only played once.

Nobody going to go in goal? Gavin?

So how are you feeling?

Really, really pissed off with this dying thing.

Terribly, utterly, 100% pissed off.

Like millions before me.

You could look on the bright side, you dodged Alzheimer's.

Gavin!

You know, this morning I was thinking about Doug

when he was Jess' age.

I used to tickle him and he would go, "No, no, no!"

And then when I was finished he would go, "More, more, more!"

Which sums up exactly how I feel about living.

One-all.

Right. Time, everybody! Margaret!

-The keys are back!

-Mm-hm.

Uncle Gavin, are you rich? This place is enormous.

Er, no. Comfortable.

This isn't actually...

This is owned by my company, not by me, so I use like a tax wrapper...

-Are you like a tax man?

-No, no. I...

-What is your actual job then?

Well, I have an interest in a fund.

So you're a banker.

No, no. I work with the banks.

Dad said, "Bankers are scum."

-Hm.

-Did I say...? Well, I might have done, yeah.

Would you ever thought that you would own this house

-if you were not a banker?

-I'm not a banker.

Yeah, Gav, what is your actual job?

-What is scum?

-I use money to make money.

-That doesn't make sense.

-Margaret!

-That does not make sense.

When will we ever get this answer out of you?

-I'm giving you the answer.

-Is it going to be the 12th of July?

-Enough.

-OK. I'm a short seller.

You sell shorts?

You're a short sailor?

Not a short sailor.

A short seller.

Your friends, do they sell shoes, socks, hair pieces?

What sort of a millionaire are you?

OK. I've got lots of money. OK?

Lots of money. I've got shares. I've got property. I've got gold.

I've got lots of money. Can we just...?

MARGARET!

HE PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC PIECE

If this has got another two minutes we're going to get obese.

I can even feel myself getting obese now.

Sweetie, that's...

This is killing me.

Right now, do you realise this is killing me?

You should have told me about Grandad.

-I'm sorry.

-Tsk, tsk, tsk.

You and Mum need to stop lying.

APPLAUSE

If you didn't lie so much then you'd still be together.

Bravo!

Then maybe Mum and you wouldn't be on the phone to a solicitor

all night banging on about breaches and leave to remove.

More!

Wasn't that great?

FAINT SCREAMING

SOBBING

SOBBING

SOBBING

-Sorry. I shouldn't have...

-Kenneth! Darling.

It's fine. This is just something women do when they get a bit older.

It's perfectly normal.

Just...letting off a bit of steam.

Is this about the...incident?

Incident?

-What incident?

-Mum, it's on YouTube.

-Leave to remove?

-I need the toilet.

-Doug!

-Leave to remove. I texted my solicitor.

Doug, I'm dying for a pee.

You're planning to take my children away somewhere, aren't you?

Newcastle. OK? Newcastle. Right.

-Now is not the time to talk about it.

-Well, when is a good time?

When I'm not on the toilet.

Newcastle?

-Yeah.

-You're seriously going to take my children to live in Newcastle?

I'm thinking about it.

Have you told the kids?

You found this? Yeah.

I think it's a king's brooch cos it's got the Tree of Life on it.

-Is it true you're a Viking? Cos Dad said you were.

-Oh, yeah.

A university hospital were doing DNA tests and wanted volunteers.

And seeing they were forever taking my blood anyway,

seems I'm 84% Viking.

That's most of me.

Look, come on.

I thought we agreed that this weekend was about your dad

and we'd put all personal issues on hold.

-We agreed, didn't we?

-Yeah.

-Then unlock the bloody door.

-How would I get to see the kids?

-You would come to Newcastle.

-What?

-It's a few hours on the train.

-Four hours at least.

-Three hours, 12 minutes.

-That's nearly seven hours there and back.

Will you let me out, please?

-Every weekend, seven hours.

-I'd like to leave, please.

No, wait, weekends'd be much worse, they do engineering work.

-I'd spend my life on a bus-replacement service!

-Let me out.

You're just doing this out of revenge, aren't you?

Either you behave in a mature and adult way

or I scream "rape" out of this window.

Oh, not that again.

So, why did you pull the horns off your helmet?

Cos it's historically incorrect. Viking helmets didn't have horns.

Ah, but they didn't have two holes in them there and there, did they?

They did if they fell off a cliff onto a stag.

I never thought of that.

Or if somebody threw a spear,

it could've gone straight through the side and out the other side.

But that would hit the helmet, though, wouldn't it?

HE CHUCKLES

-You know, my favourite Norse God is Odin.

-Is it? Why is that?

Because he's got these ravens called Memory and...something else.

What did they do?

-They're ravens.

-That's a job, is it?

-They're really dangerous.

-Oh.

-I pray to him sometimes.

-You pray to Odin?

Yeah, he roams the world, testing people's hospitality.

Well, in the mortal world, we have a word for that -

scrounging.

Happy 75th birthday.

MUFFLED ARGUING

They're fine. And they don't live in different houses, by the way.

MUFFLED SHOUTS

I'll be running, er, well, all the important stuff.

Margaret, I've got you on the flowers, the food, the signage

and the cloakroom.

Er, and the taxis.

And the photographer.

Doug, need you to set up the marquee for the band... Hello?

..and set up the tables. Kenneth is on parking and coneage.

-I'm going to West Beach with Dad and the kids.

-I think not.

-214 guests we've got coming.

-214?

-215. Patsy Cameron's found a man on the internet.

-Ah-ah. Too late.

Although Jimmy Cazerotto's stuck in New Zealand on account of the ash.

-Dad can't handle the kids on his own.

-I am not senile.

No, but... Mickey, put the puppy back.

Dad, it is your birthday and people...

And this is how I'd like to spend my birthday.

-And we don't want to upset him, do we?

-We'll be back by seven.

-No... I mean, you need to be back before...

-So, that's agreed, then.

I'll take my mobile. Come on, kids.

-Yes!

-But Dad...

Gordie, are you sure you're up...for this?

It... Margaret says your medications make you feel...

Oh, I'm giving the medications a rest today.

Oh, well, is that a good...?

No need to worry, I've carried out a risk assessment.

No, I haven't. It's a joke.

Remember jokes?

CHILDREN SHOUT

Hey!

Are you not stopping to say hello, you miserable old bastard?

Jesus, Doreen, can you not mind your language? They're only weans.

-She's got animals!

-What's the matter with you?

I'm just saying, go easy on the swearing.

They're from London - everybody swears in London.

-Mum and Dad swear ALL the time.

-Well, maybe so...

-Mum used the C-word and the other ones.

-OK, but...

"Tell that to your poxy, effin' c-word of a solicitor,

"you effin' b-word."

She thought I was in the garden,

but I was in the toilet,

peeing very quietly by aiming for the side of the toilet,

but not the water.

Though I did miss a bit.

Right.

-She's got goats!

-I'm coming.

And pigs!

I wonder what's in here.

-Shall we have a look?

-ALL: Whoa!

-Look at the size of him.

-They're like massive chickens!

They look like meerkats.

Only with no arms.

I'm going to race one.

You've got an escapee charging about like a loony down by the burn.

That'll be Wiggins.

-How you feeling today?

-Oh, I'm fine.

It's one of my good days.

You are such a crap actor.

Come on!

Call yourself ostriches? I'm a lion. Come on, race me.

Raaargh!

So, this came out of an ostrich's bottom?

That's why they're so bad-tempered.

Could you get an ostrich egg and push it back up its bottom?

No, I don't think so, because you'd have to hold the ostrich still

and nobody is going to volunteer for that.

I reckon you could get it halfway up the crack

and you could push it up...

-If you caught it halfway, you think you could push it back up?

-Yes.

Well, next time one of them is going to lay, I'll get in touch with you.

One little push like... Like a volleyball.

Right.

Look, I know your mum and dad are going through a difficult time.

So, you know what's happening to them?

Yeah, I put two and two together.

So you know that they're getting divorced?

Well, no, I... I didn't know that.

Look, Lottie, people sometimes change, but they still love you -

both of them.

You'll see. They'll muddle through this eventually.

Dad had an affair.

-Right, er...

-With a Paralympic athlete lady with one foot.

I probably don't need to know all the details.

Do you look after all these ostriches on your own?

-No, Morag helps me.

-Who's Morag?

-She's my girlfriend.

-Oh, for goodness' sake.

-What?

-You could have said friend.

-Girlfriend?

-BOYS have girlfriends.

-See? Now we have to explain the whole thing.

Fine. I'll explain.

Do you know what a lesbian is?

-Is it someone from Lesbia?

-That's right!

I am from the magical kingdom of Lesbia.

You're just going to confuse them even more.

Margaret!

There's a wrong apostrophe on the toilet signage!

What the hell?

-Newcastle? That's...

-Newcastle is a vibrant, growing city

with...with...with a great... public transport hub.

Yeah, but it's hundreds of miles...

The Tyne is the best salmon river in Britain

-and otters have been seen in Gateshead.

-Abi, please, listen.

-There's lots of castles.

-Eh?

-Around Newcastle. Kids love castles.

There's Bamburgh Castle, Dunstanburgh, Alnwick, Holy Island.

Is this job with the Newcastle tourist board?

-I'm just saying, it... It...

-Abi, please.

Please, don't take them away.

Margaret needs this heather.

Margaret.

Margaret!

-Grandad, your mobile's turned off.

-Aye, that's the way I like it.

And the batteries are dead, just to make sure.

Oh, just look at that. Look at it.

HE FARTS

-Bless you.

-Lovely manners.

Can we drive for a bit?

-Don't be stupid, Mickey. Kids can't...

-Yes, you can drive.

Mickey, toot the horn.

Jess, you're the lookout.

-Stick your head out the window and shout, "Look out!"

-Look out!

-Lottie, you steer.

-ENGINE REVS

What? I can't... I can't...

When I press this pedal on the floor, that makes it go,

-then it's down to you.

-What?

Left a bit. Left a bit.

-But it's not allowed! I'm ten! I'm not insured!

-I don't care.

ENGINE REVS

THEY SHOUT

That's good. Left, that's lovely.

I don't think this...

You need to live more and think less.

More right, more right...

Oh!

-Lottie!

-Well done!

-I've been trying to hit that for years.

-What did it say?

It said "Do not let children drive."

# Oh, Mother, can I go out to swim?

# Yes, my darling daughter

# Watch the boys don't see your bum

# Keep it well under the water... #

KIDS JOIN IN # Mother, can I go out to swim?

# Yes, my darling daughter

# Watch the boys don't see your bum

# Keep it well under the water

# Watch the boys don't see your bum

# Keep it well under the water. #

Yay!

Woo-hoo!

We might see a killer whale.

CHILDREN SCREAM EXCITEDLY

Don't go on those rocks!

I found a pebble!

Is it nice being a lesbian?

What the hell are you asking me for?

I suppose it must be, otherwise they wouldn't be one, would they?

How do people know what they are?

They just kind of find out.

We all find out eventually what we are, then the world has to lump it.

-Can lesbians make babies?

-Er... Well, er...

Why don't you nip over there and get some wood for the fire

at the old Viking burial mound?

-There's a Viking burial mound?

-Yep, so they say.

That's where I found the brooch.

Are you OK, Grandad?

Aye, indigestion, princess.

-I've had it all my life. Don't chew enough.

-Grandad!

I've lost my pebble.

Right.

I'll race you!

Look at the jellyfish!

Is this official?

Is what official?

What it says on this rock.

"Keep off! F&G's beach."

Oh, God.

I carved that. Well, I helped.

Actually I didn't do all that much, I was only small.

-Frazer did most of it.

-Who's Frazer?

-He was my big brother, he died in the war.

-In Afghanistan?

No, he was fighting a very stupid man called Hitler

-who wanted to take everybody's land.

-Like Monopoly.

-Aye.

Just like Monopoly, except with more screaming.

Anyway, Frazer used to bring me here, taught me how to swim.

-How did he die?

-Well, someone made a terrible mistake.

-A pilot thought Frazer's platoon were Germans.

-Where's he buried?

-He isn't buried anywhere.

-I know about dying.

-Right.

-Cos of Bambi's mum and Babar's dad and Simba's dad

and Nigel.

Our next door neighbour.

-I don't think this IS my pebble.

-Oh, it definitely is.

I'd recognise it anywhere. Let's go, little beavers. More driftwood.

-Can we bury you, Grandad?

-Oh, no, that sand gets everywhere.

I definitely don't want to be buried, thank you.

-Not even when you die?

-Jess!

Well, that's what happens when someone dies, you bury them

and then everyone eats cake. That's right, isn't it, Grandad?

Absolutely, sweetheart.

And I've never seen the point of funerals myself.

Nice people all standing around in the kirk while the priest

tells a pack of lies about what a great man you were.

Nah, put me out with the recycling.

Purple bin, isn't it, for plastics and dead grandads?

HE LAUGHS

Come on, it's only a joke!

No, if I had to choose a kind of funeral,

just give me a good old Viking funeral like my ancestors.

Just stick me in a burning boat and float me out to sea.

No stupid family fights,

no stupid rows about who gets what or who does what.

Just a warrior's farewell.

Can we go out and catch some fish to cook it?

Yeah, get some crabs while you're there.

There are sandwiches in the pick-up, aren't there?

Yeah, but you can't hunt sandwiches, can you?

-The water won't be cold, will it, Grandad?

-Course not!

It's only the North Atlantic, why on Earth would it be cold?

THEY CHEER

THEY SCREAM It's freezing!

HE LAUGHS

You lied to us!

-Look, you've got to pat it down like this.

-I'm decorating it.

That's after.

Are you OK back there?

Aye, I'm grand apart from sand up my arse.

Oh, look. Look up there, it's the osprey.

-Aw, look at that.

-It's just a bird.

17 years she's been coming back, flown all the way from Africa.

You can't really lay an egg in Africa cos you'll get a fried egg.

-How far is Africa?

-About eight million miles away.

That's rubbish, isn't it, Grandad?

Hey, Grandad.

Perhaps he's asleep.

Grandad?

Grandad?

-Argh!

-SHE SCREAMS

-Grandad, that wasn't funny.

-Well, it was quite funny.

-No, it wasn't.

-It was funnier than monkeys!

Mum and Dad lie so much.

I just don't trust them any more.

They make me so angry.

Well, I used to feel like that about my lot too

until I suddenly realised there was no point in being angry with people

I loved for being what they are.

I mean so what if your dad's a complete and utter bloody shambles?

Or your Uncle Gavin's a bit of a tight-arse?

All that social climbing.

He can't help himself...

any more than his wife can help being scared of her own shadow.

Or your mum can help being a bit mouthy.

The truth is every human being on this planet

is ridiculous in their own way.

So we shouldn't judge and we shouldn't fight

because in the end...

In the end...

none of it matters, none of this stuff.

Lottie, this shell's got legs!

It's OK, it'll be a hermit crab.

Frazer...

What are you doing here?

Oh...

I get it.

You coming in for a swim, you big Mary?

Hey, Grandad, can we cook this crab

or will it be unfair on the beach?

Cos I can put it back if you want or...

Oh, Grandad, stop mucking around!

I'm not falling for that again.

Lottie, there's something not right with Grandad.

Oh, he's just doing that stupid joke again.

Come on, Grandad.

Grandad?

Grandad?

Grandad?

I think he might be dead.

He's not breathing.

I'm going to check his pulse.

They taught us this in Brownies.

Grandad's got no pulse and...

better get back to tell everyone he's died.

Such bad luck. Dying just before your birthday party.

Come on, the grown-ups will know what to do.

-They'll just argue.

-Eh?

They'll argue and fight, like Grandad said.

And he said he didn't want that.

If we leave him, he might get eaten by badgers and seals and puffins.

You go back, Lottie, we'll stay here and guard Grandad.

You sure you'll be OK with that?

Well, that's very brave and grown-up of you.

Do you think it'll be all right if I can have the Swiss roll?

-I think that'll be all right.

-We won't eat Grandad's.

Just in case.

I won't be long. Be sensible!

I read in a newspaper article that said

when people had stopped breathing, when people's hearts stopped,

they die and then when they die,

they felt themselves leave their bodies

and they find themselves hovering over their own bodies

and looking down on people.

You said it was going to be a small family gathering.

-It's more like bloody Glastonbury!

-Exaggerating...

Just parading Dad in front of Sir Donald and all that lot. "Meet my daddy..."

-Dad knows these people.

-You should just give him what he wants!

He's very ill! He doesn't know what he wants, OK?

We have to make decisions for him.

-Well...

-You wouldn't know about that, would you, right?

-Cos you're never here.

-Oh...

-This is going to be a reasonable sized gathering...

-Oh, right(!)

-..to celebrate Dad's life.

-And where have you booked for the funeral -

-Westminster Abbey? The O2 Arena?

-Shush! Yeah, Leon, I'm just...

Who's that? Oh, Leon!

GEORDIE ACCENT: "My kid's new dad. Oh! Hello, Leon."

You pathetic child!

-Mum...

-For your information, Leon is my new boss.

The man I'm screwing is called Wallace.

Wallace? Do the kids know?

-I'll tell them when it's time.

-Does he have a dog called Gromit?

Here come the stupid jokes...

LOTTIE BREATHES HEAVILY

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

DOOR SHUTS

-She ate Grandad's Swiss roll!

-I didn't mean to.

-It was an accident.

-It wasn't an accident.

-Does it matter?

-Where are the grown-ups?

-LOTTIE SIGHS

Fighting. Mickey was right.

They can't be trusted to do what Grandad wanted.

So we're going to do it.

-We're going to give him the funeral he wanted.

-The Viking one?

-Yeah.

-Cool.

-Where will we find a Viking boat?

There's one in York, but I'm not sure the museum will lend it to us

if we tell them we're going to burn it.

Right, now listen, we've all got to work together.

-This is our present to Grandad.

-Shotgun the matches.

SEAGULLS SQUAWK

Margaret!

MICKEY STRAINS

That's drop-off point B. Turn around.

So, it won't be a proper Viking longboat then?

-No, it will be a raft.

-But how are we going to move it?

-We'll put it in Grandad's car.

-But we can't drive.

Yes, we can.

Mickey, you push the pedal and I'll do the wheel.

ENGINE STARTS UP

I think we need to do something with this.

-Which one should I do? One, two, three, or R?

-One.

I think we should go with R, because we want the car to go...

Rrrr!

I'm going to do one.

Do you think we'll get into trouble for this?

I think the grown-ups might be annoyed at first,

but once we tell them this is what Grandad wanted...

GEARS CRUNCH Do the pedal again!

ENGINE REVS

This car sounds a bit annoyed.

-How's that?

-Do I go left or right?

Right.

No!

OK.

I'm not wearing a seat belt!

JESS LAUGHS

-A bit more. Turn a bit harder.

-Argh!

Is that better?

How are we going to get that in the back?

I've used every knot I know back there.

Grandad said the tide's coming in.

-So if we leave the car at the edge of the sea...

-Whoa! This is bumpy.

Jess, shout when it's at the edge.

Edge!

ENGINE GROWLS

Ugh!

-Oh, for God's sake.

-Yay, we did it!

-Do you think we should lock it?

-Yes.

We don't want it getting stolen.

To be a proper Viking funeral,

it's crucial that you need to take his favourite things to Heaven.

I thought of that.

Oh, his Scotland shirt. Brilliant.

GORDIE FARTS

-Grandad!

-He's alive.

Grandad. Wake up!

-Come on, Grandad.

-Grandad, wake up.

-Grandad, Grandad!

Grandad.

Come on.

He's cold.

I think people do farts after they're dead.

I saw it on this programme called The Real...

Silent Witness.

This woman said so.

Are you sure?

She was wearing a white coat and she said,

"Dead people are full of gas."

I'm scared.

It's OK.

It's only Grandad.

He sort of died in battle, cos he was fighting cancer,

so we'll give him a warrior's funeral.

THEY STRAIN

BIRDS TWITTER

I didn't think this would work.

Well, it worked at Stonehenge.

Druids moved huge rocks, not grandads. So, well done, my brain.

I so can't wait to go back to school,

when we get to write about what I did on our half term.

But I bet Shona has done something more interesting,

like she always has.

Goodbye.

You were nice.

Please accept my pebble.

We are gathered here

to remember Gordie McLeod.

I'm sorry you died, Grandad.

I liked having someone to talk to.

Have a good Valhalla.

Amen.

He'd be so proud of us.

We can do folk rock, we can do country,

we can do country folk rock,

indie folk rock...

Oh, my goodness! Where have you been?

-We need...

-I told Grandad seven o'clock. Oh, you're all mucky!

-Come on, bath time.

-But...

-Come on, you lot!

Did I mention bluegrass? We could do bluegrass,

but not quite so fast, since Billy had his stroke.

Chop chop, party's starting soon.

-I've laid your clothes out on the bed upstairs.

-Grandad died.

-What?

-Grandad died.

-Oh, crikey, guys. What time do you call this? We...

-Doug.

They're saying Gordie's died.

Alleluia.

At last, so what have you done with your grandad then, eh?

-Well...

-He died.

On the beach.

-OK, I'm on it.

-Oh, God, I knew I shouldn't have...

It is all right, love. Let's just find out...

Yes, ambulance quickly, please. Lottie, where exactly is Grandad now?

Out at sea.

Out at sea?

And on fire.

He wanted a Viking funeral.

So we built a raft, put the body on it,

set it on fire and floated him out to sea.

Can you hold on a sec?

Lottie, stop being silly. Just tell us, where is Grandad?

GAVIN SIGHS This is a wind-up.

He's put you up to this, hasn't he?

This is one of Grandad's stupid jokes, isn't it?

Well, he did do it as a joke, to pretend to die. But this time...

it's not a joke.

-TELEPHONE:

-"Hello?"

Yes, yes, we're just getting the details,

if you could just show us a little bit of patience.

I know that you're going to tell me exactly what happened.

-Well, I found lots of wood and I found lots of crabs...

-Right.

..I lost my rock, at the end of the day I found it...

But what happened to Grandad?

There was a lady with a girlfriend that lived with lots of pigs...

-After the lady...

-..She sweared a lot.

-..back to Grandad.

It is vital that you tell the truth.

We do tell the truth! GAVIN: Guys, could you keep it down.

Nothing to do with the fish, or the crab,

or your stones, sweetie - where is Grandad?

-If you listen, I'll tell you the story.

-I know, darling, but faster.

So, will you listen?

-Mm-hm.

-Grandpa farted...

-Oh...

Yes, yes, we do still need an ambulance. And the police.

And possibly the coastguard.

No, we don't need the fire brigade, and I don't appreciate your tone.

Well, he is on fire.

Quickly now.

-I found some fishes...

-Yeah, after...

-...Lottie knocked over some...signs.

-What happened next?

Yes, it is an emergency, we just don't know what sort of emergency.

-And then?

-I stopped the crows from eating Grandpa.

-OK.

-I'm perfectly aware that it is a criminal offence to make prank calls!

But...

She's hung up! 999 has hung up!

Do we still have to have a bath?

-Erm...no.

-Yay!

Car keys! Where the bloody hell are the car keys?!

We'll take ours.

MARGARET: Okey-dokey.

Now then, I have some very important cake-tasting needs done.

Do I have any volunteers to help me with that?

THUNDER RUMBLES

HE PANTS

You stupid...!

Gavin, Gavin, Gavin, Gavin!

Whoa, wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa! All right!

-HE YELLS

-All right, all right, all right.

HE SOBS

BAND TUNES UP

Two, three, four.

BAND PLAYS UPBEAT FOLK TUNE

I don't believe this. This is a bloody nightmare.

Sir Donald. Glad you could make it.

A bloody total nightmare.

-Huey.

-Gavin, you all right?

Good to see you.

I'm bloody...

-Gavin, language. The children.

-Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

So they can't hear the word "bloody" but they can set fire to my father.

-We didn't hurt him. He was dead.

-Let's hope so, eh?

Oh, for Christ's sake!

Well, someone best break it to the ones who've arrived.

-We just did what Grandad wanted.

-He didn't want this.

He wanted to be cremated. And don't bloody say it, cos I'm looking for

-someone to punch and your children are too small.

-Enough!

THEY ARGUE

Odin.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

-Er...

-GLASS TINKLES

Thank you all for coming.

Gordie would be pleased to see so many of his friends

gathered together.

Except, sadly...

Gordie can't be pleased because...

..he passed away. Today.

MURMURING

We think.

W-w-w-we're fairly certain...he has.

Anyway, I know you won't feel like dancing, but...

do please have a drink and make yourselves at home.

Jimmy Cazerotto?

Margaret!

We thought you were stuck in New Zealand...

So where is the old bastard? Eh?

Jimmy, I'm Abi.

What?!

BAND PLAYS FOLK TUNE

Where's Kenneth? He's supposed to be...

Aha!

You took your time, Murdo.

It's Andy Mackay's stag night. A dwarf got thrown through a window.

-This is Agnes Chisolm.

-From the Child Welfare Unit.

I'll require a room for interviews.

I found this child outside. Unaccompanied.

Yeah. That's my son.

Thank you.

Why have they called the police? We've done nothing wrong.

Please do exactly as I ask.

There is a procedure for this kind of situation.

-There is?

-Oh, yes.

So he's at peace.

At...at peace.

Can I see him one last time?

I've come all the way from New Zealand, you know.

I'm afraid that's not possible, Jimmy.

It's not - not - possible...

Sir Donald.

Very sorry about this, Sir Donald.

He was fine this morning.

And...we think - we think...

that's what happened.

-But obviously that's...

-That's what?

-WHISPERING:

-Con-fi-den-tial.

-SHOUTS:

-That the kids burnt his body and floated him out to sea?

SILENCE DESCENDS

Er...yes, well. The kids, erm...

They're from London.

So, thank you for that, Jess, and if it's OK with you

I'll just keep this lovely drawing I asked you to do of the three of you

setting fire to your grandpa.

-Do you want to put it on your fridge?

-No. That's not...

There wasn't exactly a unicorn on the beach but I just got bored.

Perhaps we could hang on to the picture.

It'll be returned to you when the investigation's completed.

-Can I go now? Cos I was halfway through a Cheese String.

-OK.

So, she holds her breath quite often, does she?

WIND HOWLS

So, Mickey,

the idea for the "special funeral"

who did that come from?

Odin.

-Odin.

-He walks the Earth with one eye...

-Mickey...

..a big hat and an eight-legged horse.

Disguised as a traveller to see if people's nice to him.

-And he's here now.

-So...

Odin,

the Norse god,

is currently here...

MUFFLED: ..with an eight-legged horse?

BAND PLAYS

Ach, sod it, lads. Let's call it a day.

Kenneth! Kenneth!

Where the hell is he?

Is this an effective use of police resources?

Shouldn't you be out looking for evidence of my father?

-We havenae got a submarine.

-Oh!

HE CHUCKLES

Jokes, is it now?

Make it bigger!

-Bigger!

-Don't stress, I'm trying!

-This isn't cats.

-It's something Kenneth's been watching.

Don't just press buttons at random.

MURMURING

-MAN:

-Is that the YouTube thing?

See, I've thought of a joke. A very funny joke. Yeah.

I make an official complaint... to your Chief Superintendent,

who happens to be a friend of mine.

Who happens to be in my house right now as a guest! So...

So, Lottie, when your grandad passed away...

Ten to four.

Approximately.

That's a pretty wee notebook.

What sort of things do you put in that?

Thoughts. Facts. Information.

-Lies that I get told.

-Could I possibly have a look at that?

-Do you think I could hang on to this for a bit?

-Is that really necessary?

What would - why would...? Why would you need to hang on to it?

You're not thinking of removing us anywhere, are you?

Don't be silly, darling, this lady's not here to do that. Are you?

At this stage, I'm just making an assessment.

MURMURING

PEOPLE GASP AND GIGGLE

-I take it you hadn't seen this, Mr McLeod?

-No charges were brought.

No, the staff at the minimart were very good about it.

Everyone, you know, understood that your wife was...you know,

adversely affected by her medication.

Medication?

Yeah. You know, the antidepressants.

For the depression.

It's not your night, is it?

Who fancies a dram?

I'm taking orders.

I've got Glengoyne or Glenmorangie.

-It's finished. I'll play it again.

-Oh, for Christ's sake! Kids!

Everything all right?

Please don't go anywhere without notifying me, will you?