Baudelaire Rolled up with a Few Other Cats Keith Richards' Lost Weekend


Baudelaire Rolled up with a Few Other Cats

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This programme contains some strong language.

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The job turns you into a nomad. I mean,

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not that I was ever against it, I loved to see the world. It was...

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Hey, you know, write a couple of songs

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and suddenly they're flying me, you know,

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to places all around the world,

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I'm getting to see the world and it's always, you know...

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It broadened my horizons and things like that.

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And they're paying me!

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And I'm...

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Yeah, this is the job for me, mate.

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In that way, I mean, totally blessed.

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I never thought, you know, as a kid, I'd ever get out of England,

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you know, let alone travel the world

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probably more times than most people have.

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And actually arrive there and everybody going, "Yeah! Welcome."

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It's...

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It's a unique life, man.

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I was living in Morocco, eight, nine months in Marrakech.

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Hit Tangier here and there.

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But, basically, in Marrakech, this tribe, they're called the Ghanoui,

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otherwise known as the Blue People,

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they come into Marrakech on their camels.

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These guys are magnificent, man.

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They've got the turbans and they're on their camels

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and they move into town and basically take it over.

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And they all had burnt coal black eyeliners,

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you know, as actually a protection from the sun.

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And I'm there for nine months, so I took up the habit.

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MUSIC: Amassakoul 'N' Tenere by Tinariwen

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These guys are magnificent drummers.

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And they would sort of take the Jemaa el-Fnaa,

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the central square in Marrakech.

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And it would be their month, you know?

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They came in out of the desert,

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they did whatever they had to do in the bazaar and kasbah.

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CAMEL GROANS

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And then they'd go back to the desert.

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They fascinate me, tribal things, you know,

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and I got to know a few of them.

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If I'd have had the time I'd have joined the Ghanouis and gone back

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to the desert with them, you know what I mean?

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What I loved about it was cos they didn't know who the fuck I was.

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That was the beauty, you know?

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They had a very strong tribal connection to each other, you know?

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And brotherhood is very important to me,

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and friendship and comradeship.

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They had this great sense of that

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and they sort of took me in as a brother,

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much as the Rastafarians did in Jamaica a few years later.

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I sort of gravitate to sort of tribes.

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MUSIC: Come Down Wicked Man by Wingless Angels

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Rhythm and pulse, I mean, they're very important to people.

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They don't even know and they don't have to, really.

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But, I mean, this thing goes about 72 a minute,

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all right, all of you.

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You know what I mean?

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Boom, boom, boom. There.

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And you'd better rely on it,

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but that is a rhythm within you.

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If you get into music and you're a part of music, you want to

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play around with your heartbeat,

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you want to just jump it here and there,

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you know, without having an attack.

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But there's a rhythm within us,

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we all live with it, but very few of us

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actually think about it because you're not supposed to.

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It's like the next breath you take.

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You know, you ain't going to think about it.

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Either you get it or you don't.

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And I think probably musicians are more sort of attuned or aware

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of this little drumbeat going on within you.

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Even before you can remember, this thing's been pumping away,

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boom, boom, boom.

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And maybe through music you want to express some recognition,

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you know, of incredible machine that's within us all, you know?

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MUSIC: It Hurts Me Too by Elmore James

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# You said you was hurtin'

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# You almost lost your mind

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# Now the man you love

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# He hurt you all the time

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# But when things go wrong

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# Oh wrong with you

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# It hurts me too

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# You'll love him more

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# When you should love him less

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# Why lick up behind him

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# And take his mess?

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# But when things go wrong

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# Whoa, wrong with you

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# It hurts me too

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# He love another woman

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# Yes, I love you

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# But you love him

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# And stick to him like glue

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# When things go wrong

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# Oh, wrong with you

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# It hurts me too

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# Now he'd better leave you

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# Or you better put him down

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# No, I won't stand

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# To see you pushed around

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# But when things go wrong

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# Oh, wrong with you

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# It hurts me too. #

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Are you conscious of playing with silence as well as noise?

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Oh, silence, I mean, one of my favourites.

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Silence is your canvas.

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Most great painters never fill in the whole damn thing,

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you know what I mean?

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To a musician, silence is your best friend.

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It's when to put the noise in and when to leave it out.

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If you think about the dynamics of music, you don't need

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to fill the whole damn area.

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It's... And some of the most interesting bits of music -

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ask Mozart - is what you don't do.

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I mean, it's an old cliche now,

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it's what you don't play is probably

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the most important part, but in music that's kind of true.

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Because silence is the extra, your friend. It's...

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It's the sound that isn't,

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but because it isn't, it's a sound, you know?

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And after that I can't explain it any more.

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MUSIC: JS Bach's Sarabande by Andres Segovia

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You see what I mean? KEITH LAUGHS

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BBC Television presents - Tony Hancock in...

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Hancock's half-hour.

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APPLAUSE

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Ah, this is the life, boy.

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Nine o'clock on a Saturday morning and all's well.

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Ah.

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Even the air smells different on Saturdays. I love Saturday.

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The best day of the week, eh?

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No work, the weekend to look forward to

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and Saturday night coming up.

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The big night.

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The one bright spot in a week of unrelieved gloom.

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The one part of life's tragic panorama

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that I can really put up with.

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A pound in your pocket, a pint in your hand

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and a bird on your arm and the world is yours.

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Sid, if it wasn't for Saturday nights, I think I go bonkers.

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Yeah, it's marvellous, ain't it?

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I can't wait to get into my pointed Italian two-tones

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and off down the high street.

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Makes you feel like a king.

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Clean dickie dirt, new peckham,

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pair of luminous almond rocks, new whistle,

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nice crease in me strides, barnet well-greased up

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and flashing me hampsteads at all the bona palones.

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I didn't understand a single word you said but it sounds marvellous.

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Done up to the nines, wallowing in the myriad of sensual delights

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that Cheam high street has to offer a single gentleman of a Saturday night.

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The Las Vegas of south-east England.

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You can't whack it.

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What's my girl like, Sid? Oh, blimey, I've told you.

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Well, go on, tell me again. You know I like to hear it. Go on.

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Well, she's about five foot three or four,

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beautiful auburn hair cascading down to her alabaster shoulders.

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A face like a Greek goddess.

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Her eyes two limpid pools

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lingering, smouldering,

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challenging.

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Her lips the deepest red,

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soft, moist, clinging.

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And her figure.

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Oh, that figure.

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When she walks, it's like a young gazelle moving across the grasslands.

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And her voice, it's like a spring breeze,

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murmuring, whispering.

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And her skin.

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It's like the texture of a peach,

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smoother than the softest velvet.

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What's her name?

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Gladys.

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You would have to go and ruin it, wouldn't you? Never mind, boys.

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We'll be the toast of the coffee bars tonight. Toast.

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Oi! Where's the breakfast, then?

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There you are.

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What is this mess supposed to represent?

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That's oeufs scramblaid.

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What sort of meal is that to put in front of

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a couple of international playboys the likes of us?

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Take it or leave it. That's all there is. But it's Saturday.

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It's a special day. Can't you do something special for breakfast?

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That is special. You wait till you see what you're getting on Monday.

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All right. Push off. We'll ring if we want to.

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Oeufs scramblaid.

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Not my idea of the grand life.

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I bet Noel Coward doesn't sit down to rubbish like this on Saturdays.

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He'll be out on his balcony overlooking the Caribbean

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with his silk dressing gown on, idly sipping iced tomato juice

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through his long cigarette holder.

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# Someday I'll find you... #

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And what have I got? Oeufs scramblaid and Mrs Crevatte.

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There's no justice in the world.

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I wouldn't worry about it, mate. We've still got tonight.

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And when you're sitting in the pictures

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on a Saturday night in the dark you can be who you like. That's true.

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Isn't it funny how you always imagine you're the bloke

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you're seeing in the film? Yeah. You remember Monday?

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You come out convinced you were Robert Mitchum.

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You had your eyes half closed,

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you nearly got run over, remember?

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Then on Tuesday you saw Gone With The Wind,

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so you opened your eyes,

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stuck your ears out and started to talk like Clark Gable.

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Oh, yes. But fair do's, I mean, I do look a bit like Clark.

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No, no. If you imagine the moustache and the ears sticking out. See, see?

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Nothing like him. Well, it's near enough.

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Who's on this week, then?

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Charlie Laughton. Charlie Laughton. Do you know him personally, then?

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Charles Laughton to you. Charles Laughton.

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I've got him off.

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AS CHARLES LAUGHTON: Mr Christian, you'll hang from highest yardarm...

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Charles Laughton.

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What's the good in looking like him

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down at the Palais on a Saturday night?

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You want a bit of glamour.

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Gene Kelly.

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# Everybody loves a baby and it might as well be you. #

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Gene Kelly, mark my words.

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I haven't seen anything so funny for years.

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Let's face it, with a clock like yours

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you can't pretend to be anybody but yourself.

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Play your best card, mate.

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Intriguing ugliness, that's the only chance you've got.

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I am not ugly. There's a lot of women think I'm very attractive.

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Only women who aren't as good-looking as you are.

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And they're few and far between, poor devils.

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You can laugh, mate.

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You watch tonight, I'll murder them.

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You watch the old James technique come into play.

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You drug them, don't you?

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I do not. I charm them.

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Give them the old chat.

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One night out with me and a shop girl becomes a princess.

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A couple of choruses of Come Prima down their earholes, mate, and they're mine.

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Well, I wish you the best of luck.

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I reckon if we play our cards right tonight

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it'll be the best Saturday night we've had for years.

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All dressed up and raring to go.

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I'm looking forward to this.

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We're going to crawl home in the early hours with a blissful smile of content on our faces, boy.

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You may clear away and bring in the coffee.

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You haven't touched it.

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Chuck it over the fence for next-door's dog.

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I've never liked him.

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Are you two going out tonight?

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Of course we are. We always go out on Saturday nights,

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so you may lay out my chalk-stripe flair-line with the hand-stitched lapels.

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I shall be wearing that tonight. You won't. I beg your pardon?

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I took it to the cleaner's.

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What for? There wasn't a stain on it.

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Very well, I shall wear my Prince of Wales demob suit.

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I sent that to the cleaner's too.

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What?

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My entire wardrobe down at the cleaner's?

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Well, you'll just have to go and get them, that's all. No, I can't.

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I'm off home. I've got my old man's breakfast to do.

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But I'll have nothing to wear.

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We're going out tonight, I've got to have me suits.

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I can't help that, I'm not fetching them.

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Sid, you'll have to nip down and get them.

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The Dreadnought Dry-cleaning And Bag Wash Company Limited. He can't get them. Why?

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I took all his suits down the cleaner's too.

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He asked me to.

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Sid. Blimey, that's right, yeah. You didn't?

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Well, I thought you were going to pick yours up and you could get mine as well.

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I didn't know she'd taken all yours.

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So we haven't got a stitch to wear between us. How are we going to manage?

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We'll have to go and get them ourselves.

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No, we can't. How can we do that?

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You can't go down Cheam high street in a dressing down.

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Now, look here, Mrs... No, no. I'm off home.

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I'm late as it is.

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I'll pick them up for you Monday.

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Bye-bye. Have a good time.

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Have a good time.

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Dancing the Blue Tango in your pyjamas.

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She's ruined everything, she has.

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No, she hasn't.

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We go and get them ourselves. But how? Come on.

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THEY PANT

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HE LAUGHS

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Beat you. You did not.

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I was held up by a zebra crossing.

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That's all right. I was stopped at the traffic lights.

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It was my tactics that beat you.

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I saved myself for a final burst.

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You were running. I was not.

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I brought my heels down every time.

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I beat you fair square. All right.

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Never mind about that, we've got the suits now,

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all cleaned up and pressed.

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It'll be all right tonight. I know.

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That's mine. Sorry. It'll be dapper.

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Dead dapper, we'll be.

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Perfect sight of sartorial elegance, eh?

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I'd better get the clean shirts out now, I think,

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and give them a bit of an airing. Yeah, and don't dirty 'em.

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Nothing puts the little darlings off quicker than a grubby drip dry.

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Quite, quite. I think I'd better get them out now

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in case we have a bit of a mad rush tonight.

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Get the cufflinks in now and the stiffeners while they're off,

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not while they're on, eh?

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You ever tried getting a stiffener in once you've got your tie on? Eh?

0:22:240:22:28

It can be very nasty.

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I nearly strangled myself once.

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I got this bent stiffener and I was up like that. Suddenly I got...

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Yeah, yeah, all right.

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Never mind about the nattering, get the shirts out.

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Stone me, she hasn't done the washing. Look at this lot.

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It should all be pinned up now with a nice bit of cardboard

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underneath the collar. Oh, she's a lazy so-and-so, that woman.

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I pay her to do the washing, she hasn't touched it.

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We can't go out with linen this colour, can we?

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We'll have to wash them ourselves.

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We'd never get them dry in time. We can't go out with damp shirts on.

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We could get pneumonia if we went out with these on our backs.

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We'd seize up before the band got to Who's Taking You Home Tonight?

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Who's Taking You Home Tonight? The St John's Ambulance, mate.

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We've had it. That woman's a fool, she'll have to go.

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Wait a minute, wait a minute.

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There must be some way we can get them pressed and washed by tonight.

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Now, let me think.

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JAUNTY TUNE PLAYS

0:23:260:23:28

Good morning, sir. Good morning, madam.

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My friend and I wish to launder our soiled linen.

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Certainly, sir. 9lbs for 2/9d.

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Will you put your washing on the weighing machine, please?

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4oz, that should be about a penny, I reckon.

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2/9d is our minimum charge.

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2/9d for one shirt? That's more than he paid for it.

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Do you mind? What I pay for my chemiserie is my own business.

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Anyway 2/3d is quite enough for a shirt.

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Can't you make it any cheaper than 2/9d?

0:24:010:24:03

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.

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Perhaps your friend could put his shirt in with yours.

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That would save you hiring two machines.

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You're joking, aren't you?

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I'm going to put my good shirt in with that broken down bit of burlap.

0:24:100:24:14

How dare you! Best quality parachute panelling, this is.

0:24:140:24:17

Transparent too.

0:24:190:24:20

They go berserk when they see my string vest through this.

0:24:200:24:23

Well, that's two machines, 2/9d each, please.

0:24:230:24:25

Sheer extortion, madam.

0:24:250:24:27

I can't keep up with modern science. How do we get inside this thing?

0:24:400:24:44

You put your shirt in there.

0:24:470:24:49

Are you sure it's safe? Of course it's safe!

0:24:510:24:53

All right, I'm entitled to ask!

0:24:530:24:55

No need to snap my head off.

0:24:570:24:58

Well, now what do we do?

0:25:080:25:10

You switch on and sit down.

0:25:100:25:12

What, no scrubbing or squeezing or anything like that?

0:25:120:25:16

You just switch on and sit down and wait till it's finished.

0:25:160:25:19

Isn't that marvellous?

0:25:230:25:25

When I think of my poor, old mother on the banks of the canal

0:25:250:25:28

with those two great big stones, pounding the things...

0:25:280:25:30

..I boggle.

0:25:310:25:33

Yeah, well, that's progress, innit? Oh, this is marvellous.

0:25:330:25:36

Oh, I am going to enjoy this. Oh, I wish I'd been down here...

0:25:360:25:38

I'll come another week to see this.

0:25:380:25:40

Oh, look! You can see it going round in there. Look, look!

0:25:420:25:45

There's a collar!

0:25:490:25:51

And a sleeve! Look! Look, look, look!

0:25:510:25:53

There'll be coming round again in a minute. There!

0:25:530:25:56

Can you see it in yours? Yes, yes. Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

0:25:570:26:01

Oh, I wish I'd seen these before.

0:26:010:26:03

Oh, this is a marvellous way to spend your money, isn't it?

0:26:030:26:06

That's my shirt going round in there.

0:26:110:26:14

There it is! Look, look, look.

0:26:140:26:16

Very good, aren't they?

0:26:160:26:17

Very simple, really, you know.

0:26:180:26:20

Basic principle is very elementary.

0:26:220:26:24

Very well-known in the time of the Venetians.

0:26:240:26:27

It's a sprocket with a rotary arm.

0:26:270:26:29

Of course, they had a rope tied to a camel going round in a circle,

0:26:300:26:33

but it's the same principle - centrifugal force

0:26:330:26:37

causing a disturbance in the water.

0:26:370:26:39

Shut up.

0:26:400:26:42

I was only telling him about the camels, that's all.

0:26:430:26:46

I wasn't doing any harm.

0:26:460:26:48

He's very touchy, he doesn't like me talking to strangers.

0:26:480:26:52

Neither do I.

0:26:520:26:53

Look at it. Look, look, look, look.

0:27:140:27:16

That's your machine. Oh, yes.

0:27:210:27:23

What are you looking at mine, then, for? Oh, nothing.

0:27:260:27:29

Wanted a little change, that's all. Got fed up with looking at my own.

0:27:310:27:35

You want to stop being nosy, looking at other people's washing.

0:27:350:27:37

Well, I wasn't. I can't see anything.

0:27:370:27:40

I just got a bit bored, that's all.

0:27:400:27:42

Perhaps you'd like me to stop the machine,

0:27:420:27:44

take them out and hold them up for you.

0:27:440:27:47

No, thank you. That won't be necessary.

0:27:470:27:49

You don't have to go to those lengths.

0:27:490:27:51

I'm not interested in your washing.

0:27:510:27:54

Just that I thought you were getting a better picture on yours,

0:27:540:27:57

that's all.

0:27:570:27:58

Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.

0:28:030:28:06

Anything wrong? It's him. He keeps looking at my washing.

0:28:060:28:11

Not the slightest bit interested in his ablutive activities.

0:28:110:28:15

I'm merely trying to ascertain whether he puts his whites in

0:28:150:28:17

with his colours, that's all.

0:28:170:28:18

I've never been to one of these establishments before.

0:28:180:28:21

Another thing, he's got more water than I have.

0:28:210:28:23

That's not right for a start.

0:28:230:28:25

I've got more washing in there, that's why it looks like more water.

0:28:250:28:28

it's a displacement.

0:28:280:28:29

We won't go into Archimedes' principle here.

0:28:290:28:32

And he's got bubbles. I haven't got any bubbles.

0:28:330:28:35

Have you got any bubbles, Sid? Yes, hundreds of them.

0:28:350:28:38

Well, I haven't got any bubbles. Have you got any bubbles, madam?

0:28:380:28:42

Why haven't I got any bubbles?

0:28:420:28:43

Did you put enough soap powder in it?

0:28:430:28:45

Soap powder, what soap powder?

0:28:450:28:47

I gave your friend two portions of soap powder.

0:28:470:28:50

How dare you filch my soap powder? That's very nice, isn't it(?)

0:28:520:28:56

Pitching a bloke's soap powder.

0:28:560:28:58

You're trying to make me look tatty tonight, aren't you?

0:28:580:29:01

Trying to make your shirt look whiter than mine so that when

0:29:010:29:03

you come and stand by me, people will start singing about my mother.

0:29:030:29:07

I'm not having that for a start.

0:29:100:29:12

I am having a ladleful of your bubbles.

0:29:120:29:14

Put those bubbles back. I'll put them in mine.

0:29:160:29:18

Put them back. No! You're not taking any more.

0:29:180:29:20

I haven't had my full whack yet.

0:29:200:29:22

Please, please! You're creating a disturbance.

0:29:220:29:24

I'm responsible for these machines. You'll damage them.

0:29:240:29:28

Right, so you can have some more soap powder.

0:29:280:29:30

Sorry, I didn't mean to make a scene.

0:29:300:29:32

I feel very strongly about these questions.

0:29:320:29:34

A man is entitled to his fair share of bubbles. Fine, fine.

0:29:340:29:36

But everything will be all right now.

0:29:360:29:39

Why don't you just sit down there

0:29:390:29:40

and watch your shirt going round, eh?

0:29:400:29:43

He nearly got one with the ladle there.

0:29:450:29:48

Excuse me, old chap. Have you got much washing in your machine?

0:29:490:29:52

No, one shirt, that's all.

0:29:520:29:53

That's good, cos I've got a shirt I'd like washed.

0:29:530:29:55

I don't want to hire one of these things.

0:29:550:29:57

I was wondering if I could put my shirt in with your washing.

0:29:570:29:59

Well, I don't know, really, I...

0:29:590:30:00

What's the difference, two shirts instead of one?

0:30:000:30:03

Oh, all right, then. Carry on. Mine will be finished in a minute anyway.

0:30:030:30:05

Thank you very much.

0:30:050:30:07

Jayne Mansfield's old man.

0:30:200:30:22

That was quick, wasn't it?

0:30:280:30:29

It used to take the camels all day, you know.

0:30:290:30:31

I don't suppose they used to whip round as quick as these things.

0:30:310:30:34

Well, a very instructive morning.

0:30:340:30:35

Now, then, how do we get it out, then? The same way you put it in.

0:30:350:30:38

Oh, yeah.

0:30:380:30:39

This is perfect. It's absolutely perfect.

0:30:440:30:46

Excuse me, old chap. My shirt.

0:30:460:30:48

I'm sorry. Beg your pardon. So it is.

0:30:480:30:50

Look what's happened to my shirt!

0:31:090:31:10

Well, what do you expect if you only pay 2/3d for them?

0:31:100:31:13

I'm not standing for this. I demand compensation.

0:31:130:31:15

They can't go about ruining people's shirts like this.

0:31:150:31:17

I want to see the manager.

0:31:170:31:18

Anything wrong, sir? There is indeed.

0:31:180:31:20

Look what your machine has done to my shirt. I demand recompense.

0:31:200:31:23

Well, there's no point putting them in like that.

0:31:230:31:25

This is a washing machine, not a sewing machine.

0:31:250:31:28

The man's a fool. It's a brand-new shirt, never been washed before.

0:31:290:31:33

Well, I suggest you buy better shirts in future.

0:31:330:31:36

Are you looking for a punch up the faghole, mush?

0:31:360:31:39

Are you going to replace this shirt or not?

0:31:410:31:44

I am very sorry, sir, but it says quite distinctly on the outside,

0:31:440:31:46

"Customers use these machines at their own risk" -

0:31:460:31:48

there's nothing I can do about it.

0:31:480:31:50

But it's the only clean shirt I've got.

0:31:500:31:52

I'm supposed to be going out on the town tonight.

0:31:520:31:54

I can't go bird watching in a thing like this.

0:31:540:31:57

Why don't you wear the front part, which is not too bad, like that?

0:31:570:32:01

Nobody'll notice the rest of the shirt isn't there.

0:32:010:32:04

Do your jacket up and your coat like that.

0:32:050:32:08

Besides, it gives your overcoat a sort of Italian flavour.

0:32:080:32:12

Oh, no, no, I'd feel self-conscious.

0:32:120:32:14

I wouldn't be comfortable in the knowledge.

0:32:140:32:16

Anyway, you can't go around doing a George Sanders with half a shirt on.

0:32:160:32:19

Yeah, well, I'm very sorry, sir. That's all I can suggest.

0:32:190:32:21

If you'll excuse me, I'm a very busy man.

0:32:210:32:23

By the way, if you want to dry the pieces,

0:32:230:32:25

there's a spin dryer over there for only a penny extra.

0:32:250:32:27

I'm not taking any more chances with it, mate.

0:32:270:32:30

I want to end up with a shirt, not a bag of confetti.

0:32:300:32:33

I should have stuck to the two big stones,

0:32:340:32:36

at least you know where you are. Good day to you, sir.

0:32:360:32:39

How did you get on? Hopeless. Four buttons and a finger gone.

0:33:150:33:20

It's no good, Sid, you'll just have to go by yourself.

0:33:200:33:22

I'd only spoil it for you.

0:33:220:33:24

Girls won't look at you if your friend's walking about

0:33:240:33:26

without a shirt on.

0:33:260:33:27

I'm not taking two birds on my own.

0:33:270:33:29

I can't afford it, for one thing and you can't do any good for another.

0:33:290:33:34

You can't even do any courting with one of them standing by there

0:33:340:33:37

swinging her handbag, whistling.

0:33:370:33:39

You don't have to wear a shirt, mate,

0:33:410:33:42

you can wear a sweater and a muffler. Oh, charming.

0:33:420:33:45

And a bit of pie wrapped up in a spotted handkerchief

0:33:450:33:47

slung upon my shoulder.

0:33:470:33:49

Open the front of my boot up and have my nails poking out.

0:33:500:33:53

A top hat on with the lid sticking up. I'm only trying to help.

0:33:530:33:57

Well, don't. I've got to work this out for myself.

0:33:570:34:00

How am I going to get away without having a shirt?

0:34:000:34:03

I know, a polo neck sweater, the corduroy trousers and the sandals.

0:34:030:34:07

I'll be a beatnik.

0:34:070:34:09

I bet that'll get them going.

0:34:100:34:11

I bet they'll never have been out with a beatnik before.

0:34:110:34:14

What's a beatnik do, then?

0:34:140:34:15

Well, he... Well, I don't know, but I don't suppose they'll know either.

0:34:150:34:18

So they can't argue, then, can they? That's settled, then.

0:34:180:34:21

I'll nip down the barber's,

0:34:210:34:22

have a haircut and a shave and I'll see you down the pictures tonight.

0:34:220:34:24

Haircut and shave? From what you've told me about beatniks,

0:34:240:34:27

they wouldn't worry about that. I'm not a proper beatnik.

0:34:270:34:29

Oh, no, I must have a haircut and a shave.

0:34:290:34:32

I'm more of a sort of a bourgeois beatnik, you know...

0:34:320:34:36

I'm getting confident again.

0:34:360:34:37

I think they're going to be dead chuffed when they see me.

0:34:370:34:39

Tell me again, Sid, what's my girl like?

0:34:390:34:41

Oh, blimey, I've told you three times.

0:34:410:34:44

All right, then, I'll see you down there.

0:34:440:34:46

Sid... Yeah.

0:34:490:34:52

Do something with yourself, eh? You know, don't show me up, eh?

0:34:520:34:56

Do you realise how long I've been waiting here? Ten minutes!

0:35:220:35:25

What's that?

0:35:250:35:26

Leave it alone. I had no choice. Look.

0:35:260:35:29

Fool of a barber, he did it on purpose, I swear he did.

0:35:320:35:35

Everything was all right until we got on to politics

0:35:350:35:37

and I ended up a mass of cigarette papers.

0:35:370:35:39

Look at my hair at the back here, the 39 steps, look at this.

0:35:400:35:44

You can't stay like that. I told them what you looked like

0:35:440:35:46

and I didn't tell them anything about a beard. Take it off.

0:35:460:35:48

No, I'm not walking about with a face full of sticking plaster.

0:35:480:35:51

Anyway, the beard goes perfectly with the rest of the outfit.

0:35:510:35:53

If it goes well tonight, I shall keep it in.

0:35:530:35:55

Take it from me, mate, you look a right twit.

0:35:550:35:58

I thought you didn't have a shirt. You great oaf!

0:36:000:36:03

It took me three quarters of an hour to get that into place.

0:36:060:36:10

Oh, this sweater is ridiculous without a shirt underneath.

0:36:100:36:12

It's like a tribe of ants trampling about.

0:36:120:36:14

Hello, how are you? All right. I'm sorry we're late.

0:36:160:36:19

This is my friend Elsie. Hello.

0:36:190:36:22

Has your friend turned up yet? Yeah, that's him.

0:36:220:36:24

How do you do?

0:36:260:36:27

Well, erm... Cheerio, then. What, are you going?

0:36:290:36:34

Yeah, we just remembered we've got to be home early.

0:36:340:36:36

Well, that's all right. What time? Now. Ooh, come on.

0:36:360:36:39

So that was Gladys and Elsie, was it?

0:36:410:36:43

Well, it was very pleasant while it lasted.

0:36:430:36:45

Well, how about that - standing us up like that. I'm not surprised.

0:36:450:36:48

It's always the same when I go out with you.

0:36:480:36:50

You always spoil it for me. What a liberty!

0:36:500:36:53

You turn up here looking like the second mate

0:36:530:36:55

of a broken-down French tramp steamer

0:36:550:36:57

and you've got the cheek to complain about me?

0:36:570:36:59

There's no point in trying to pull each other to pieces.

0:36:590:37:02

We know the truth. You never have known how to dress

0:37:020:37:04

and you never will know how to dress.

0:37:040:37:06

You've completely ruined our big night

0:37:080:37:09

and we might just as well go home.

0:37:090:37:11

Now, wait a minute. The night is young.

0:37:110:37:13

Let's nip off into the pictures.

0:37:130:37:15

There might be a bit of spare stuff floating around in there.

0:37:150:37:18

With the lights down, you won't be so much of a lumber.

0:37:180:37:21

How dare you.

0:37:210:37:22

All you've got to do now is you get them as soon as they come

0:37:240:37:26

through the curtains and they can't see what they're doing.

0:37:260:37:28

Then they get a whiff

0:37:280:37:29

of the aftershave lotion and we've got them.

0:37:290:37:32

All right, one more try, then.

0:37:320:37:33

Just a minute. Where do you think you're going?

0:37:370:37:40

Where do you think we're going? Inside.

0:37:400:37:41

You might be, but he's not.

0:37:410:37:44

I beg your pardon! We don't allow scruff like that in our cinema.

0:37:440:37:47

No, we've had quite enough trouble around these parts as it is.

0:37:470:37:51

Come on, out. Take your hands off me. I know your type.

0:37:510:37:54

Ripping up the seats, tripping up the ice cream girl.

0:37:540:37:57

Well, you're not doing it in here. I am not a hooligan.

0:37:570:38:00

What's all those bits of plaster on your face?

0:38:000:38:03

They're razor scars. There you are!

0:38:030:38:06

On the run from some gang, are you?

0:38:080:38:10

They'll all be in here looking for you.

0:38:100:38:12

No, this is a respectable cinema, this is.

0:38:120:38:14

We don't have scruff like you in here dressed like that.

0:38:140:38:18

Come, now, do I look like a Teddy boy?

0:38:180:38:19

I'm a perfectly respectable citizen.

0:38:190:38:21

This mode of dress has been forced upon me by circumstances.

0:38:210:38:23

All right, I'll be responsible for him.

0:38:230:38:25

I guarantee he won't slash any seats. Well, all right, then.

0:38:250:38:29

No whistling or stamping in the love seats.

0:38:300:38:32

You're not convinced, are you?

0:38:350:38:37

Come on. You'd better get me away from him, cos I'll...

0:38:370:38:40

Hang on to me, will you? Hang on, I can't see a thing.

0:38:430:38:45

Are there any steps? No. Where are we?

0:38:450:38:48

Get in there. Oh, yeah.

0:38:480:38:50

Excuse me. Thank you.

0:38:500:38:52

Thank you very much indeed. Thank you, thank you.

0:38:520:38:55

Oh, dear.

0:38:550:38:57

Well, are you going to stand there all night?

0:38:570:39:00

Excuse me. Do you mind?

0:39:000:39:02

I'm terribly sorry. Thank you. Here, get in there.

0:39:020:39:04

There's a couple of little darlings. Where, where, where?

0:39:110:39:14

There, right in front of you. Oh, yes, yes, I see them, yes, yes.

0:39:140:39:18

I don't fancy yours. Come on.

0:39:180:39:20

Come on, Elsie, this is where we came in. Excuse me.

0:39:290:39:33

It's just not our night, is it?

0:39:350:39:38

Do you think it's best to split up or hunt in a bunch?

0:39:380:39:40

I think we ought to split up. Right.

0:39:400:39:43

Well, if you find anything, make a noise like an owl hooting, eh?

0:39:430:39:45

Tuit-twoo!

0:39:450:39:48

Tuit-twoo! Quiet!

0:39:480:39:49

Go home.

0:39:490:39:52

Good hunting, boy.

0:39:520:39:54

I'll have the law on you. How dare you manhandle me like that?!

0:40:000:40:04

We only sat next to her to talk to her.

0:40:040:40:06

I didn't know she was the organist.

0:40:060:40:08

We were just as surprised as you were when we all shot up in the air.

0:40:120:40:16

Out! Don't come back!

0:40:190:40:21

You don't think we're going to sit still and look at the rubbish

0:40:210:40:24

you're showing. Don't think I'm going to patronise you any more.

0:40:240:40:26

I will get my drinks on a stick elsewhere in future.

0:40:260:40:29

Come, Sid, let's not stay here chitchatting

0:40:290:40:31

to these uniformed yobs.

0:40:310:40:32

Well, now what? I don't know. Draw a moustache on her and run for it,

0:40:360:40:40

I should think.

0:40:400:40:41

What a miserable night.

0:40:410:40:42

To think I've been waiting the whole week for this.

0:40:420:40:45

Stop moaning, it's just as bad for me. We want to live.

0:40:450:40:48

Stone me, is this living?

0:40:480:40:49

Saturday night nearly over and not another one for seven days.

0:40:490:40:52

Wait a minute, I think there's still time to find a couple of birds.

0:40:520:40:55

Of course there isn't.

0:40:550:40:56

It's ten o'clock. All the spare stuff will be fixed up by now.

0:40:560:40:59

You mark my words, by my experience,

0:41:010:41:03

if there's anything left after ten o'clock, mate, it's rubbish.

0:41:030:41:07

Let's face it, our big night out

0:41:070:41:09

has been a complete and utter fiasco,

0:41:090:41:11

let's go home, go to bed and forget all about it.

0:41:110:41:13

They're all right, ain't they?

0:41:210:41:23

Yeah, very nice.

0:41:230:41:25

What do you reckon, then?

0:41:250:41:26

What? We wouldn't stand a chance. We can't get off with them.

0:41:260:41:30

They'd run us in. Well, what better way of getting acquainted?

0:41:300:41:33

It's a lovely walk down to the station.

0:41:330:41:35

No, no, Sid, it's not worth it, let's go home. No.

0:41:350:41:37

Faint heart never won fair lady.

0:41:370:41:38

Apart from that, it'll only cost us a couple of nick a fine.

0:41:380:41:41

What will? This will. No, no, Sid, no , no, Sid.

0:41:410:41:43

GLASS SHATTERS Here we are over here.

0:41:430:41:47

All right, come on, you two.

0:41:470:41:48

No, no, no, no. Just a minute.

0:41:510:41:54

We want to be arrested by those two.

0:41:540:41:55

We're booked. That's the only reason we did it.

0:41:550:41:58

Are you coming quietly?

0:41:580:41:59

There's too much hooliganism going on around here.

0:41:590:42:02

I want to be arrested by those two young ladies over there.

0:42:020:42:04

Oh, yes? Well, that's my missus!

0:42:040:42:08

Oh, well, of course.

0:42:080:42:10

I'm not surprised. The big night - what a fiasco.

0:42:100:42:14

Here!

0:42:140:42:16

What's all that about? Never you mind.

0:42:160:42:18

That should take care of next Saturday as well.

0:42:180:42:21

I'm not having this again. Come on, then, what are we hanging about for?

0:42:210:42:24

Come on, let's go.

0:42:240:42:26

APPLAUSE

0:42:260:42:29

MUSIC: Lucille by Tom Jones and The Squires

0:43:230:43:27

Were there any Teds in the crowd at your early gigs?

0:43:380:43:41

By 1963, Teddy boys are pretty much old news.

0:43:410:43:45

I'm sitting with Little Richard. We were just playing.

0:43:450:43:50

It was a song called Miss Ann.

0:43:500:43:52

# Oh-oh-oh, Miss Ann

0:43:520:43:56

# You're doing something no-one can... #

0:43:560:44:01

He had a piano in his room.

0:44:010:44:02

I was playing along with him. We were just, like, rocking,

0:44:030:44:06

Little Richard and little Richard, er...

0:44:060:44:09

Then the door opens and in comes Tom Jones and The Squires.

0:44:110:44:18

Totally rigged out in the old Teddy boy,

0:44:180:44:20

you know, with the leopard-skin...

0:44:200:44:22

The hair...

0:44:250:44:27

They walk in on their hands and knees.

0:44:270:44:30

You understand some of the, like,

0:44:300:44:32

reverence and the power of that music.

0:44:320:44:36

MUSIC: Miss Ann by Little Richard

0:44:360:44:39

And so Little Richard and me are looking at each other.

0:45:020:45:06

"You're Little Richard, what does that make me?"

0:45:080:45:11

And these guys are crawling and praying to Little Richard.

0:45:130:45:17

That was Tom Jones. Nobody else was wearing that crap except in Cardiff.

0:45:170:45:23

Most rock stars are very suburbanite people.

0:45:280:45:31

You know, "rock star" itself is a term...

0:45:320:45:37

I don't know when it was first... I mean,

0:45:370:45:40

you wouldn't hear it in the '50s,

0:45:400:45:42

until probably the late '60s, you know,

0:45:420:45:46

when loads of other people tried to jump on the bandwagon, you know.

0:45:460:45:52

And they did, very successfully, but much to the detriment of the music.

0:45:520:45:58

No particular affinity to other rock stars as such.

0:45:580:46:04

I mean, a lot of musicians, I know of them, yes.

0:46:040:46:07

I always, always saw it as another, you know...

0:46:070:46:09

There's more room for another copycat,

0:46:090:46:12

you know what I mean? Your Iron Maidens

0:46:120:46:14

and your Black Sabbaths and your blah, blah, blah.

0:46:140:46:17

HE CHUCKLES Fuck off, you know?

0:46:170:46:21

My dad was never interested in music until he got into his really

0:46:210:46:26

old age where he went to Bon Jovi and I said, "Good luck, Dad."

0:46:260:46:32

It's not what I'm about and what I care about and certainly with

0:46:320:46:38

music, it has nothing to do with, you know,

0:46:380:46:41

but they have an audience, enormous,

0:46:410:46:45

and it just shows you how many idiots there are out there.

0:46:450:46:51

# Yes, I'm lonely

0:46:510:46:53

# Wanna die

0:46:560:46:58

# Yes, I'm lonely

0:47:000:47:02

# Wanna die

0:47:050:47:06

# If I ain't dead already

0:47:090:47:12

# Girl, you know the reason why

0:47:140:47:16

# In the morning

0:47:190:47:20

# Wanna die

0:47:240:47:26

# In the evening

0:47:280:47:31

# Wanna die

0:47:330:47:34

# If I ain't dead already

0:47:370:47:40

# Girl, you know the reason why

0:47:420:47:44

# My mother was of the sky My father was of the Earth

0:47:480:47:52

# But I am of the universe

0:47:520:47:55

# And you know what it's worth

0:47:550:47:57

# I'm lonely

0:47:570:47:59

# Wanna die

0:48:010:48:03

# If I ain't dead already

0:48:060:48:08

# Girl, you know the reason why

0:48:100:48:12

# The eagle picks my eye The worm he licks my bone

0:48:170:48:20

# I feel so suicidal Just like Dylan's Mr Jones

0:48:200:48:25

# I'm lonely

0:48:250:48:27

# Wanna die

0:48:290:48:31

# If I ain't dead already

0:48:340:48:37

# Girl, you know the reason why

0:48:390:48:41

# Black cloud crossed my mind Blue mist round my soul

0:48:440:48:49

# Feel so suicidal Even hate my rock 'n' roll

0:48:490:48:53

# I'm lonely

0:48:530:48:55

# Wanna die

0:48:580:49:00

# If I ain't dead already

0:49:020:49:05

# Ooh, girl, you know the reason why...

0:49:050:49:07

# Wanna die

0:50:300:50:32

# Yes, I'm lonely

0:50:340:50:36

# Wanna die. #

0:50:390:50:41

Most songs that you write are pretty much recorded within

0:50:550:50:59

a very short time of you writing them.

0:50:590:51:02

We wrote them on Tuesday and recorded them on Friday,

0:51:020:51:09

so we'd hardly got to know the song itself.

0:51:090:51:12

I mean, that's the hit record, you know,

0:51:120:51:15

Jumpin' Jack Flash, Brown Sugar, whatever.

0:51:150:51:18

At the same time,

0:51:180:51:19

you've only just got to grips with this damn thing and

0:51:190:51:23

so the opportunity to play it over and over again

0:51:230:51:27

so you can only improve on the way that you cut it.

0:51:270:51:33

That song was four, five days old and

0:51:330:51:35

that's the record and that's what everybody hears and thinks that

0:51:350:51:39

that's that, but you get up there every night and you say, "Damn."

0:51:390:51:44

I mean, Satisfaction, I still get into that one...

0:51:440:51:48

Oh! And sometimes you go,

0:51:480:51:51

"Oh, damn, I wish I'd put that lick on the record," because you

0:51:510:51:56

live with them, these songs grow up with you,

0:51:560:51:59

there's no full-stop with them,

0:51:590:52:02

you just try and do it better.

0:52:020:52:04

# Well, I told you once and I told you twice

0:52:160:52:19

# But you never listen to my advice

0:52:210:52:24

# You don't try very hard to please me

0:52:270:52:30

# With what you know it should be easy

0:52:320:52:36

# Well, this could be the last time

0:52:380:52:41

# This could be the last time

0:52:410:52:44

# Maybe the last time I don't know

0:52:440:52:49

# Oh, no Oh, no

0:52:510:52:54

# Well, I'm sorry, girl But I can't stay

0:52:560:53:00

# Feeling like I do today

0:53:020:53:05

# It's too much pain and too much sorrow

0:53:080:53:11

# Guess I'll feel the same tomorrow

0:53:130:53:17

# Well, this could be the last time

0:53:200:53:22

# This could be the last time

0:53:220:53:26

# Maybe the last time I don't know

0:53:260:53:30

# Oh, no Oh, no...

0:53:320:53:36

# Well, this could be the last time

0:54:010:54:03

# This could be the last time

0:54:030:54:06

# Maybe the last time I don't know

0:54:060:54:11

# Oh, no Oh, no

0:54:130:54:17

# Well, I told you once and I told you twice

0:54:190:54:22

# That someone will have to pay the price

0:54:240:54:28

# But here's the chance to change your mind

0:54:300:54:33

# Because I'll be gone a long, long time

0:54:360:54:39

# Well, this could be the last time This could be the last time

0:54:410:54:47

# Maybe the last time I don't know

0:54:470:54:52

# Oh, no

0:54:540:54:55

# Oh, no

0:54:570:54:58

# Last time, baby

0:55:000:55:02

# Saying no more

0:55:020:55:04

# Well, I'm not no more

0:55:050:55:08

# No, not no more

0:55:080:55:10

# Well, I'm not no more

0:55:100:55:12

# I'm not no more

0:55:130:55:15

# I'm not no more

0:55:190:55:22

# No, no, no

0:55:220:55:24

# No, no, no. #

0:55:240:55:27

I look around when we're going on stage and I go, "Yep,

0:55:350:55:38

"there's Mick, Charlie,

0:55:380:55:42

"Ron, there's Darryl. All right, I'm here.

0:55:420:55:48

"Is that all there is?" HE CHUCKLES

0:55:500:55:53

You go out there sometimes feeling stark fucking naked that you've got

0:55:530:55:59

to deliver and once you get up there and hit the first chord...

0:55:590:56:02

..you know that you have something to give and every night is

0:56:050:56:10

kind of reaffirmation of what you think you're doing, because

0:56:100:56:15

two hours a night, three nights a week and all the rest of it is

0:56:150:56:19

like being a Rolling Stone but not actually doing anything.

0:56:190:56:24

Hanging around... Charlie Watts once said somewhere in the

0:56:240:56:29

'80s and I think we'd been together then 25 years and somebody

0:56:290:56:33

asked Charlie Watts, "So, what's it like?"

0:56:330:56:38

And he said, "Well, you know, five years' work

0:56:380:56:40

"and 20 years hanging about."

0:56:400:56:42

Because there's a lot of hanging about, not doing what you're doing.

0:56:440:56:49

Are there two Keith Richards?

0:56:500:56:52

You sometimes talk about the guy on stage as though he's

0:56:520:56:55

different from you.

0:56:550:56:56

There's a certain persona that you take on for work.

0:56:560:57:00

I try, as far as I know...

0:57:000:57:02

I don't see much difference because I wouldn't want to be two guys,

0:57:020:57:08

it's kind of difficult, but now and again you do feel it.

0:57:080:57:12

It's not a pain in the heart.

0:57:120:57:13

It's just they're thinking of me like that and I'm like this,

0:57:160:57:21

but I've always tried to be, and the same as I'm trying to do with you,

0:57:210:57:24

Julien, is say it doesn't matter what do you think, I'm just a bloke.

0:57:240:57:30

There ain't nothing special about me except that I've been blessed

0:57:300:57:34

with a certain amount of talent and I've been allowed to express it.

0:57:340:57:40

How concerned are you with your image now? They've made it up.

0:57:410:57:46

I just am. The image is up to them now.

0:57:460:57:50

I can't be bothered to dicker with it.

0:57:500:57:52

You did say, though, a Sagittarian, half man, half horse.

0:57:520:57:57

Licence to shit in the street. HE CHUCKLES

0:57:570:58:00

Also fully armed. Yeah.

0:58:000:58:03

There is a thing about Sagittarian men.

0:58:050:58:07

Also loved this thing on Baudelaire rolled in with a few other cats.

0:58:110:58:15

Who would the other cats be? I don't know.

0:58:210:58:23

Probably Opium-Eaters. De Quincey.

0:58:230:58:27

William Burroughs.

0:58:270:58:30

Hugo. A very interesting character.

0:58:300:58:34

I know my Baudelaire.

0:58:390:58:40

I know my De Quincey.

0:58:450:58:47

And I know my Coleridge.

0:58:520:58:54

Well, songwriting you've got to be a bit of a poet to write songs.

0:59:070:59:12

Basically, writing songs is putting poetry to music. Check this out.

0:59:120:59:18

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