Pennod 3 Standyp: Gwerthu Allan

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-Please welcome your MC, Dan Thomas.

-Welcome to Gwerthu Allan

-from the Richard Burton Theatre.

-We have a feast of comedy in store.

-The first act's first job...

-..was as a fire marshall

-on the TV drama Hinterland.

-Just imagine - if she hadn't

-done her job correctly...

-..maybe something exciting

-might have happened on that series!

-Come on, we've all thought it!

-Please welcome Sarah Breese.

-Hello. Are you alright?

-Yes!

-I'll move that out of the way...

-..because my mother

-doesn't know what I do.

-I don't want her to see me

-with a pole and be disappointed.

-Strippers are paid

-much more than me.

-I'm afraid of strippers,

-to be honest.

-The thing is, dressing

-is difficult enough as it is.

-These people find it so easy

-they do it backwards to show off.

-Bra straps looks fiddly.

-"Ooh, not for me." Ping!

-If I tried to do that...

-..all I'd do is find all the food

-that I'd lost throughout the day.

-Half a chicken nugget! Ping!

-Dinner and a show!

-Anyway, so, hello. My name is Sarah.

-I'm a 30-year-old woman from Wales.

-Unless you're

-an archaeologist from the future...

-..in which case

-I'm an 11-year-old boy from Primark.

-That can be awkward, especially if

-I'm speaking to a nice guy in a bar.

-He's thinking, 'Is she attractive

-or do I have a problem?'

-Very tricky.

-I grew up on a farm.

-I left when I was... fat enough.

-That's how farms generally work.

-It was really nice...

-..but living there

-was frustrating at times.

-It was a bit claustrophobic.

-Growing up, I had to share a bedroom

-with my sister...

-..until I was 18 years old,

-so when I moved away...

-..it was nice having my own space.

-But I came home one weekend

-to see Mam and she said...

-.."It's nice having you home.

-I've bought you a present."

-I was like,

-"That's cool, what is it?"

-She said, "It's a gift

-for you and your sister."

-I said, "OK."

-She said, "I've bought a grave."

-"I've bought a joint grave."

-You know

-when someone buys you a gift...

-..and you

-don't want to look ungrateful?

-Try and do that when someone

-buys you a hole in the ground.

-It wasn't even an entire hole,

-it was half a hole.

-Who knows if my brother's

-meant to be in it too?

-I'm not having that. I've

-smelt his bedroom when he's alive!

-My sister's

-started to get nervous...

-..because she knows I'll do anything

-to get the top bunk.

-That's justified.

-I've moved to Cardiff,

-which is OK, but I live alone.

-I do sometimes

-leave the toilet seat up...

-..so that in the future

-I can feel angry rather than lonely.

-So that's OK.

-I've just turned 30 and

-I thought it's about time I grew up.

-I know I drink too much.

-I went out for my birthday last week

-and I drank so much...

-..I woke up the following morning

-with such a bad hangover...

-..I made this noise

-that was in three movements.

-Join in if you know the words.

-I woke up making a noise like this.

-EXHALES

-GROANS

-SOBS

-When I looked down,

-all I was wearing...

-..was one sock, an iPhone charger...

-..and half a kebab.

-That was a bit a of a shock because

-I remember eating all of that.

-Awful!

-I don't remember what exactly

-I wanted to be, growing up.

-It was a bit of a shock

-when I turned out to be a woman.

-I didn't expect it because when I

-was small people called me a tomboy.

-For some reason I needed a title...

-..to do some male activities

-without people feeling uneasy.

-They were like,

-"Don't worry, you're the tomboy."

-And then the town mayor turns up...

-..and you get the dick to the city.

-Everything's fine.

-I used to play football.

-Not rugby. I'm not sure

-why rugby is the national game.

-There's one thing you learn, living

-on a farm - never kick an egg.

-I played football,

-there were no girls' teams...

-..so I played on the boys' team

-or 'the team' as we called it.

-It was great until the manager

-came up to me one day and said...

-.."Just so you know, Sarah,

-you're off the team."

-I said, "Why?"

-He said, "I don't think it's fair

-for girls to play with boys."

-I still didn't understand.

-He said, "You know sometimes

-you get a high ball...

-"..and you have to stop it

-with your chest?"

-I said, "Yes, I'm good at that."

-He said, "Yes, Sarah, but

-when you do it, it stays there."

-I'm not sure

-I'm qualified to be a woman.

-But there is one thing -

-we do have women's exams.

-Men, a trip to the gynaecologist...

-..is like all your dreams come true.

-If your dreams

-include being naked in public...

-..before an exam

-you haven't revised for.

-It's hard to know what to talk about

-at the gynaecologist's.

-It's like

-going to the hairdresser's.

-Some subjects

-are better than others.

-It's fine to ask the gynaecologist

-if he's been on holiday.

-That's fine, but asking them to hold

-up a mirror to see it from the back?

-That's not fine, apparently.

-They examine your...

-I'm very shy,

-I don't know what to call it.

-Some women call theirs after fruit.

-Cherry or flower.

-I'm not sure that's right,

-to be honest.

-It's not as delicate as that.

-It should at least be

-some sort of vegetable...

-..or something that needs ploughing.

-I've come up with a compromise.

-Mine's a cauliflower.

-If you've ever watched boxing...

-..then you'll know why.

-Another thing about being a woman...

-..it doesn't help that we have a

-reputation for being so mysterious.

-When I try to do mysterious

-it's more suspect, you know?

-Like gone-off milk.

-The one thing I've learnt is that

-if we're being mysterious...

-..guys, here's a little secret,

-we've done something embarrassing.

-You know if we're

-taking too long in the bathroom...

-..perhaps we've forgotten

-to check for toilet paper.

-Guys, it's OK for you,

-you can just shake.

-It takes a lot longer

-to shake that part of ourselves.

-Chances are we're in there doing

-a rendition of the Flappy Haka.

-Disgusting! And don't ask

-how we discovered twerking.

-It's horrible.

-Even at 30 years of age, there's

-still one thing I don't understand.

-Is everyone here

-familiar with dickpics?

-He's not a character on Pobol y Cwm.

-It's when a man

-takes a photo of his vegetable...

-..and sends it to you...

-..like a game of genital top trumps.

-It happened to me

-for the first time fairly recently.

-I didn't know the person who sent it

-very well.

-I really thought it was a mistake.

-I thought,

-"That's an awful mistake to make...

-"..whilst trying

-to take a selfie, isn't it?"

-There's a camera each side.

-He might've looked down and thought,

-"My thumb was over the lens.

-"Oh, that wasn't my thumb."

-"Oh, shit! Unsend!"

-It doesn't happen to women.

-But perhaps with men

-it can sometimes fall out.

-If it happens at the wrong time,

-then that can be awful.

-This isn't a recent problem either.

-When they completed the statue

-of Michelangelo's David...

-..maybe the model

-looked down and said...

-.."Guys, was my dick out

-the whole time?"

-Oh, my goodness!

-It's awful.

-You can never do these things

-anonymously either.

-Wales is a small country - I know

-that now, I've seen the evidence.

-After the first one I thought

-it might've been a mistake.

-But after the 15th

-I thought, no, this is a problem.

-To solve the problem I've written

-a list of my favourite answers...

-..in case it happens again.

-I've prepared four of them,

-which I'll share with you now.

-So if this happens again in future,

-my first one is...

-.."Thank you. What's this?"

-The second one is,

-"Where are you? It looks cold."

-The third one is, "My auntie

-had one of those on her neck.

-"They had to burn it off."

-And the final one, my favourite...

-.."Oops, I think

-that was meant for your wife.

-"Don't worry,

-I've passed it on to her."

-I hope that'll help.

-You've been lovely. Thank you.

-I've been Sarah Breese.

-.

-*

-Please welcome your MC, Dan Thomas.

-Hello.

-The next act

-has performed all over the world...

-..in recent years.

-Australia, Singapore, Hong Kong.

-I think she's only doing this gig

-for the air miles.

-Please give a warm welcome

-to Jenny Collier.

-Hello!

-Thank you very much for having me.

-I live in London now

-but I don't feel too Londony...

-..because I still have manners.

-I used to work in a bathroom

-showroom in Knightsbridge.

-It was an extremely posh shop.

-Really fancy.

-To give you an idea,

-the bog brush holders they sold...

-..cost 900.

-900...

-..for something in which you're just

-going to be making weak poo tea.

-We also stocked taps

-which cost 12,000.

-12k for one tap that

-didn't even say hot or cold on it!

-Every customer was uber posh.

-One woman came in and said...

-.."I've got this thing where

-you flick a switch in the hall...

-"..and it makes a hologram of

-a butterfly flap along beside you."

-Are you shitting me?

-I didn't say that, I said...

-.."Oh, my God, samesies!"

-But mine is slightly different.

-With mine, you turn on the light

-and the mouse scatter.

-I also used to work

-at a fertility clinic.

-People used to say...

-.."Does working here...

-"..make you want to, you know,

-have a baby of your own?"

-I'd say, "No, that's like saying to

-someone who works in a shoe shop...

-.."Does working here

-make you want to, you know...

-"..force a shoe

-through your cervix?"

-No, thank you.

-But it's not a healthy place

-for a 29-year-old woman to work...

-..because a lot of couples

-would come in...

-..who were devoted to each other.

-They'd say, "Hi, we're

-having trouble having a baby."

-I'd say, "Yes, I'm having trouble

-coming to terms with the fact...

-"..that my phone's screensaver

-is a photo of my parents' dog."

-Or they'd come in and say...

-.."We've had five failed pregnancy

-tests in the past six months."

-I'd be like, "That's a shame."

-But what I hear...

-..is that you've had sex five times

-in the past six months.

-More than me.

-But on the plus side, there was

-a blood pressure monitor...

-..that I used to use

-almost every day...

-..because it felt like a little hug.

-These days I've quit my day jobs.

-I spend

-a lot of time by myself at home.

-My next-door neighbour

-is learning to play the trumpet...

-..but he can't play tunes yet.

-He just plays one melancholy note

-every now and again.

-Because I spend

-my entire time there...

-..with every move I make

-I just feel like a sad elephant.

-I fold clothes to melancholy notes.

-I often mention in my set

-that I'm single and lonely...

-..and quite often men come up to me

-at the end of the show and say...

-.."So you're looking for a man? Come

-on then, I'll take your number."

-So I just want to say

-at this point...

-..just to prevent any humiliation...

-..it's 0-7-7-8-9-6-7-8-9-5.

-No-one writing it down. Thanks!

-I have a couple of theories

-why I'm single.

-Firstly,

-I think I sometimes share too much.

-For example, on a first date

-I might go to the bathroom...

-..and then come back and say...

-.."Sorry I took so long,

-there was a queue...

-"..in my bowels."

-Sometimes I'll just

-cut out the middle man and say...

-# Dropped a dress size #

-I'm just not very feminine...

-..even if I'm

-just going for a slash.

-I'll say, "Where's the shitter?"

-And he'll be like, "What?"

-Then I say,

-"Sorry, where's the ladies'...

-"..shitter?"

-Maybe another reason

-for my singledom...

-..is down to the fact

-that the only bras that fit me...

-..have Disney characters on them.

-When I wear an adult's bra...

-..or lingerie...

-..I just look as though I'm wearing

-some kind of grand waistcoat.

-Let me

-just talk you through my bra size.

-36AA.

-Thank you.

-36 is the circumference

-of your back.

-36 is the largest you can get

-for my cup size.

-That means I have a big back.

-Big back!

-There's more action going on

-in the back than in the front.

-And the cup size is the letter.

-A double-D

-means a little bigger than a D.

-A double-G

-means a little bigger than a G.

-But a double-A...

-She knows.

-Double-A is the only one...

-..where double means smaller.

-Think about an A cup size

-and then take a little away.

-Flat? No, flatter than flat.

-The concave twins.

-You can't motorboat these.

-A more appropriate verb

-would be rafting.

-I said to my last boyfriend...

-.."If I were an animal,

-what would I be?"

-He said, "You'd be a Labrador."

-I said, "Ohhh!

-"Because I'm your best friend,

-I'm faithful...

-"..you think I'm cute

-and full of energy?"

-And he said, "No, it's because

-you stare at my food...

-.."until I share it with you.

-"And sometimes,

-you fart yourself awake."

-So I pissed in his trainers

-and went for a walk!

-I'm just joking,

-I've never had a boyfriend.

-I dated someone last year

-but it was strange...

-..because he refused to fart

-in front of me.

-I fart in front of people.

-It's natural.

-I think one of

-the worst things you can do...

-..if you fart in front of someone

-is not to say anything at all...

-..because then it looks like

-you're unaware that you've done it.

-As if you have a bum like a

-big windsock that's out of control.

-I do a lot of tricks

-to show that a fart is on its way...

-..and that I'm cool with it.

-Feel free

-to take these tricks away with you.

-I'm not wafting, by the way!

-Is everyone familiar with

-"Pull my finger?"

-Anyone who isn't...

-..when you have a guff in the bay...

-..also a poem by Dylan Thomas...

-..and you offer your finger

-to a friend and they pull it...

-..then they deploy it

-on your behalf.

-But I think I do Pull My Finger

-a bit too often.

-I was at a summer festival...

-..and I was on the floor and

-two of my friends helped me up...

-..by pulling my arms

-and I almost shit myself.

-So you have to be careful.

-Another you can do...

-..is the old, "What's that noise?"

-And then wait

-until everyone's silent...

-..before farting.

-Or you can pretend to sneeze.

-Instead of sneezing, you fart.

-There's one more you can do...

-..but it's important the weather

-is conducive for this one.

-You know when there's

-an electric storm with lightning...

-..and everyone counts...

-..to see how far away the storm is?

-So everyone's like,

-one, two, three...

-..and you fart.

-It's in the next village!

-You've been lovely.

-Thank you very much. Goodbye!

-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

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