Pennod 4 Standyp: Gwerthu Allan


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Pennod 4

Comedi stand up gyda Steffan Evans, Noel James a Gethin Robyns. MC Dan Thomas introduces three of the finest comedians on the circuit - Steffan Evans, Noel James and Gethin Robyns


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-Please welcome your MC

-for the evening, Dan Thomas.

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-Hello!

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-I've worked with the next act

-many times and he's always great.

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-You're going to love him.

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-Please welcome Gethin Robyns.

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-'Ello, 'ello, 'ello.

-Everyone alright?

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-Yay! My name's Gethin Robyns.

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-I come from Anglesey. Yay!

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-Anglesey. We've given

-the nation Margaret Williams.

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-We've given you Hywel Gwynfryn.

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-We've given the nation Aled Jones.

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-No wonder

-the rest of you can't stand us!

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-Once upon a time on Anglesey

-we all knew each other's names.

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-Everyone knew each other's names.

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-That's because up until 1998...

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-..we only had

-four names on Anglesey.

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-Aled, Huw, Bethan and Sian.

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-We didn't need any more.

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-Everyone had a nickname.

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-In Cemaes we had Aled Maes Mawr...

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-..we had Huw Chips...

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-..we had Sian Betws...

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-..and we had Bethan Fingers.

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-Everyone liked Bethan.

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-I'm a professional comedian...

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-..but I like to do other things

-in my spare time...

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-..such as play football, golf...

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-..and teach full time in a school.

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-It's a frustrating job.

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-Mainly because you spend

-every single day with idiots.

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-There's no other word

-to describe them. Idiots.

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-You just have

-boring, childish chats...

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-..and then the bell rings

-and you're like, "Yes!"

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-Bag on your shoulder, leave

-the staff room and head into class.

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-People say to me, "How do you deal

-with the tough ones, the hooligans?"

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-The answer's simple.

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-I banter with them

-because you can't hit them any more.

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-I have a bit of fun with them.

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-I do that through football.

-I support Liverpool.

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-Wahey!

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-And they support Man U. Eurgh!

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-If Liverpool wins on a Saturday

-afternoon and Man U loses...

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-..I'm ready for them on Monday.

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-Hey, lads! Lads!

-How did Man U do on Saturday?

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-They're ready for me too.

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-They're witty. They say to me,

-"Shut up, you fat four-eyed freak!"

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-They're real characters.

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-I've learnt over the years...

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-..that in a town called...

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-..Rhyl...

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-..and if you've ever been to Rhyl...

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-..you'll know even the tide

-doesn't want to come in to Rhyl.

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-So I knew what kind of school it was

-going to be on the first morning.

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-I walked in and previously

-I'd been used to kids...

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-..having room to park their bikes

-outside the entrance.

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-But not here. There was room

-for girls to park their prams.

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-We don't have

-parents' night in Rhyl.

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-We have parent night.

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-It's always the same.

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-The mother comes in...

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-..we start talking

-and alcohol fumes fill the room.

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-I look at her and think to myself...

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-..I must stop drinking whisky in the

-storeroom at two in the afternoon.

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-Come on!

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-I like seeing the children in the

-real world once they've left school.

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-For some reason I always say the

-same thing to them when I see them.

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-Can I have a large

-Big Mac meal, please?

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-I thought

-I was a product of my native area...

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-..but Rhyl people

-are something else.

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-I wanted to educate them

-about rural culture.

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-We headed out of town, past

-Marine Lake, in the school minibus.

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-We parked

-in the middle of some fields.

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-I said, "Right, everyone

-tuck into your lunch boxes."

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-Before I had a chance to take a bite

-a voice from the back shouted...

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-.."What the hell

-is that thing over there?"

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-I sauntered to the back of the bus.

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-It was like a circus.

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-Half of them were

-hugging each other and crying...

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-..the other half were

-banging the window and pointing...

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-..and the other half

-didn't know what was going on.

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-I made my way to the back...

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-..and there he was,

-Axel, the school's tough nut.

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-He was shaking like a leaf

-and as white as a sheet.

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-He said, "Mr Robyns, what the hell

-is that thing over there?"

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-So I take a look.

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-"That," I said,

-"is a detached house."

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-Thank you very much, Cardiff.

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-Goodnight!

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-The next comedian I'm about to

-introduce is a wizard of wordplay...

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-..as we found out when he negotiated

-the contract for this show!

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-He gets to

-take one of you home with him.

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-Sorry! Please give

-a rousing welcome to Noel James.

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-Thank you.

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-It's a privilege for me to be here

-in the Richard Burton Theatre...

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-..and planetarium.

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-Richard Burton.

-Who would've thought it?

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-I've no acting experience...

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-..apart from the one play I did

-called An Inspector Calls.

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-I provided the voice.

-"Tickets, please."

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-It's rumoured

-that I appeared in a play...

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-..called House On Sand, but

-those rumours have no foundation.

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-There's a big difference

-between theatre and comedy.

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-When actors are on stage,

-they're pretending...

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-..they're in a different space

-and time, whereas a comedian...

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-..is right here now, in the present.

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-At the moment I'm pretending people

-are having fun in a comedy club.

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-For those of you who haven't

-laughed yet, I'm an ironic comedian.

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-So I'm not funny, unless

-you've read Sigmund Freud's book...

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-..Jokes And Their Connection

-To The Subconscious.

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-It's not a funny book but

-you may get funny dreams later on.

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-Personally, I prefer

-Sigmund's younger brother, Schaden.

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-But I wonder

-what the Welsh word for irony is?

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-Smwddoni?

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-At the doctor's I said, "Doctor,

-Doctor" because he had two heads.

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-Probably one for the second opinion.

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-I said,

-"I think I'm an anglephile."

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-He said, "You love English people?"

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-I said, "No. I love Mr Urdd

-because of his angles."

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-My fantasy is that Mr Urdd

-inflicts pain on me and I enjoy it.

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-The doctor told me

-I was mascot-itistic.

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-Every morning I recycle my pee and

-make a cup of coffee out of it...

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-..because I've a cathetiere there.

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-I think I'd better do visual comedy.

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-For viewers at home,

-you can turn off the subtitles now.

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-They don't make sense either.

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-As we're in

-the Richard Burton Theatre....

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-..I'd like to do an impression

-of the famous actor, Robert De Niro.

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-Thank you very much.

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-I can't do the voice, unfortunately.

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-There's no need to be patronizing.

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-I can do a Northwalian version

-of Robert De Niro.

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-Are you talking to me?

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-The moment you think

-the Olympic Games are over...

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-..they 'para' (continue).

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-I've got a cat that barks,

-which is paws for thought.

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-I keep an extinct bird as a pet.

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-Basically, it's an empty cage.

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-Did you hear about

-that extinct bird...

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-..that was hunted

-off the face of the earth?

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-Do, do (Yes, yes).

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-I think

-I've got over the shock of Brexit...

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-..or Brallanfa,

-to give it its Welsh term.

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-But it's taken its toll on my body.

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-My hair's turned grey

-over the past year.

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-Having brown hair

-is but a fleeting memory now.

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-I had a lot of brown hair

-but now it's in the minority.

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-Every night I hear the hairs arguing

-- the grey and the brown.

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-"You're different from us.

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-"You come over here

-taking our roots."

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-In other words,

-my hair's falling out.

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-The Valleys

-have changed a lot since Brexit.

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-They've turned into

-an anti-matter universe.

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-Talking of an anti-matter universe,

-when I was at college...

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-..my tutor was Stephen Hawking

-and I'm indebted to him...

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-..due to the government's policy

-of abolishing the grants' system.

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-Actually,

-I'm hugely indebted to him.

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-But he wasn't a brilliant tutor...

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-..because what you want

-when you're a student...

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-..is for your tutor to give you

-a gold star for your essay.

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-But Stephen Hawking goaded me.

-He gave me a collapsed star.

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-I was sucked into

-an anti-matter universe...

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-..or to give it its Welsh term,

-Merthyr Tydfil.

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-I had to phone Stephen

-in order to escape.

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-I phoned him up.

-Mr Hawking, are you there?

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-I wanted a funny end to the set too.

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-Hello? Mr Hawking? Stephen?

-Are you there?

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-"The universe

-is constantly expanding..."

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-..he answered.

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-"Who would've thought that in the

-early years of the 21st century...

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-"..comedy matters

-would be recorded...

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-.."like someone with a microscope

-analyzing creatures...

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-"..that don't expand

-within a water bubble."

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-"I'm not in at the moment.

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-"Leave a message. BEEP!"

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-"Only joking."

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-"I'm here, it's me.

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-"I'd like to do an impersonation

-of Robert De Niro.

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-"Are you talking to me?

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-Are you talking to me?

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-"Are you talking to me?

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-"I'm sorry, I can't do the face."

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-I was hurt by what he said too -

-not by what he said...

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-..but the way he said it.

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-Ladies and gentlemen,

-enjoy the break...

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-..if you can enjoy a fracture.

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-Make sure you don't crumble.

-Thank you very much.

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-.

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-*

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-Please welcome back your MC,

-Dan Thomas.

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-Hello, hello!

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-The next act used to work in a bar.

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-The Richard Burton Theatre bar.

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-I only found him five minutes ago.

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-He says his name is Steff

-but his badge says Staff...

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-..so I don't trust him.

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-Please welcome Steffan Evans.

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-Hello!

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-Hello!

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-How are you?

-My name's Steffan Evans.

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-I come from Eglwyswrw,

-Pembrokeshire.

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-Yay!

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-Whoo!

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-Yay!

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-Yay!

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-Thank you.

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-We like things as they are.

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-I'll give you an example.

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-Eglwyswrw

-was bought for 7,000 in 1895...

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-..and I'm happy to say

-it's still worth 7,000.

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-And it's still 1895.

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-We're taught from an early age that

-we're no better than anyone else.

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-No-one. The important thing

-is to work hard, play hard.

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-By play hard I mean go to the pub...

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-..and drink

-till you shit out of our eyes.

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-Dad was often in the pub.

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-He obviously worked hard

-because he started work at 9.00am...

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-..and finished at 11.00am.

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-Christ, he gets thirsty.

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-The first three pints

-are just to cure the dehydration.

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-Dad does more miles per gallon

-than his lorry.

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-But he can't do it any more because

-he didn't pass the emissions test.

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-One thing we do well in West Wales

-is interesting characters.

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-One man called Space went to

-the doctor's wanting a sex change...

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-..only to come out

-wanting to be a cowboy.

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-Another man is called System.

-A Girl-Pulling System.

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-Get drunk, get double vision...

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-..more women to choose from.

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-Another man

-punched a horse out cold.

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-But to be fair, the horse

-shouldn't have said what he said.

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-We're a very sexual area.

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-Only in Wales do you go to

-a farming show expecting to shag.

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-No-one goes to the Chelsea Flower

-Show thinking,'I'm getting laid.'

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-I lost my virginity

-at the Haverfordwest Show.

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-Up against a corrugated iron fence.

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-It wasn't corrugated to begin with.

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-I didn't know iron could curdle.

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-But between us we managed it.

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-And I was pleased I came.

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-Alright, I know I'm not perfect.

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-You've got eyes - look at me.

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-I'm an aquarium

-of bad decision making.

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-I'm no better than anyone.

-Fuck it, let's cut to it.

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-The English in Pembrokeshire - I'm

-no better than them, they're twats.

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-An Englishman

-criticized me for talking too fast.

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-I told him

-he was listening too slow.

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-Then he said something

-that will always stay with me.

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-He said,

-"I'm sorry you feel that way."

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-What kind of wanker says that?

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-You're sorry I feel this way? You're

-the one making me feel this way.

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-Imagine I pushed him

-down the stairs...

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-..and he's lying there

-in a crumpled heap.

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-He looks up at me and says,

-"I've broken me leg."

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-I look down on him and say,

-"I'm sorry you feel that way."

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-I'm a country lad, I've been taught

-I'm no better than anyone.

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-But there are a few people I'm

-better than - people who eat dogs.

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-I'm not being racist,

-I'm talking about Eglwyswrw people.

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-You know who you are!

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-People who go to a pub

-and order a coffee...

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-..and steal the free wi-fi.

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-"I'm driving." Well go home, then!

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-And then there are

-the Welsh yuppies.

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-There's a Cardiff community

-of gentrified Welsh.

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-Most of them are lovely...

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-..but there are others

-who grate on me.

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-Those who dress their children

-in North Face gilets.

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-When I was a child

-they called them bodywarmers.

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-These bodywarmers cost 100.

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-100 for a two-year-old boy

-called Goronwy to wear.

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-Why stop there?

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-Get him an oxygen mask

-for the climbing frame.

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-What next? Does he need a Sherpa?

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-Do you need a Sherpa?

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-Satellite phone? A flare gun

-to notify the authorities?

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-Twat.

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-On top of that,

-their parents feed them antipasti.

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-Cured meats, olives,

-oil and vinegar...

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-..artichoke hearts and cheese.

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-When I was a kid,

-we had Spam, burgers from a tin...

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-..and cherryade for breakfast.

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-We were so poor

-we looked forward to the recession.

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-And then I left Eglwyswrw

-to go to university in Cardiff...

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-..to study criminology.

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-I didn't graduate.

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-I was too busy

-doing another course. Riminology.

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-They had a good track team.

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-We ran cross country. I'd get lapped

-three times on the way round.

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-And then I travelled the world.

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-Well, Australia,

-New Zealand and Thailand...

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-..bypassing North Wales altogether.

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-I feel comfortable in pubs...

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-..anywhere in the world.

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-Some people don't, they're nervous.

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-If you don't want any trouble,

-don't go into a pub and say...

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-.."Hi there, can I have a

-caffeine-free soya latte, please?"

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-That's a punch!

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-Don't order a fancy coffee in a pub.

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-They're only on the menu as a test.

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-The protocol is,

-you go up to the barman and say...

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-.."Can I have

-the strongest drink you've got...

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-"..that'll make me

-shit out of my own eyes."

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-And he says, "Very well.

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-"I've got just the drink for you,

-it's called aarrgh!"

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-"I'll have two of them, please."

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-"If you want food,

-the menus are here.

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-"They're in Braille. You'll find out

-why they're in Braille in a minute."

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-It'd odd being the other side

-of the world because I love Wales.

0:21:330:21:37

-I love Welsh people.

0:21:370:21:39

-When you find yourself somewhere and

-you hear someone speaking Welsh...

0:21:390:21:45

-..you just

-want to give them a big hug.

0:21:450:21:48

-A fellow Welshman.

0:21:480:21:50

-You go up to them

-but sometimes it goes like this.

0:21:500:21:53

-Oh, fucking Northwalian!

0:21:550:21:57

-Well,

-thank you very much for tonight.

0:22:050:22:08

-I hope you've enjoyed yourself.

0:22:100:22:12

-If you haven't...

0:22:120:22:14

-..I'm sorry you feel that way.

0:22:140:22:17

-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

0:22:360:22:38

-.

0:22:380:22:38

Comedi stand up gyda Steffan Evans, Noel James a Gethin Robyns. MC Dan Thomas introduces three of the finest comedians on the circuit - Steffan Evans, Noel James and Gethin Robyns