Pennod 5 Standyp: Gwerthu Allan

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-Ladies and gentlemen,

-please welcome tonight's MC...

-..Dan Thomas.

-We have a very special comedian

-for you next.

-Each week he puts his column

-in the South Wales Evening Post.

-That's why he's been banned

-from every newsagent's in Ammanford!

-Please welcome Phil Evans.

-Don't stop, don't stop!

-That's a nice surprise.

-Thank you, thank you.

-Join in now, force yourself!

-This looks more like a seance

-than a comedy night, doesn't it?

-Are you having a good night because

-I'm not having a good day at all.

-You know you're having a bad day

-when you get up in the morning...

-..still half asleep...

-..and pour

-your wife's urine sample...

-..over your cornflakes...

-..and only realize

-after the first mouthful.

-I almost couldn't finish the bowl.

-Still, better than skimmed.

-I bought a toaster recently.

-It only worked on two settings.

-Carbon and cremated.

-So I took it back to the shop.

-The girl wanted the receipt.

-I said I've thrown the receipt

-away so she called for the manager.

-The manager came over and said...

-..he couldn't see

-anything wrong with the toaster.

-Well, the shop was full of smoke.

-I reverted to

-the old-fashioned method...

-..by placing bread

-under the grill...

-..and waiting

-for the smoke alarm to go off.

-What's worse is when

-a bad night follows a bad day.

-I had a bad night recently

-at the cinema.

-It started when I bought a ticket.

-How much?

-Christ Almighty!

-Join in, join in.

-I wanted to watch a film

-not bloody make one.

-I ran to the seat quickly...

-..hoping the film'd start

-before the bailiffs found me.

-I checked the small print

-on the ticket.

-I didn't want to fall behind

-with the repayments.

-I lost weight for this gig.

-I lost weight to look good...

-..in front of you.

-Know what?

-I've had enough of you already.

-I decided to join the gym.

-Honestly, I decided to join a gym.

-It was 40 a month

-to join the gym...

-..and fair play, it worked,

-I was already sweating.

-I can wait, I can wait!

-I got on the crosstrainer, fell off

-and bumped my head straightaway.

-When I woke up

-I had a Northwalian accent.

-Apparently, that's how

-all gogs get their accent.

-This gym was packed with machines

-- there were over 100 machines.

-The only one I recognised

-was the vending machine.

-So I put my money in,

-and pressed a button.

-Coffee, cream, sugar.

-Coffee came out of one tube...

-..cream came out of the other...

-..but no sign of a cup.

-It went down the drain

-and turned off.

-That's what you call

-real automation.

-The machine drank it for me too.

-I didn't use the condom machine.

-You know you're having a bad day

-when you get up in the morning...

-..and notice that the woman

-you pulled the night before...

-..has an Adam's apple.

-Bigger than your own.

-The night before

-we made romantic smalltalk...

-..and I remember saying to her...

-.."That's big clitoris

-you've got there."

-You've been great.

-Thanks for coming. Goodnight.

-Here we are,

-at the Richard Burton Theatre.

-He was an actor and filmstar...

-..and the next act once made a pass

-at film star Charlize Theron.

-Sure that worked out great.

-Please welcome Mr Theron,

-or as we know him...

-..Gary Slaymaker.

-Hello, everyone, how are you?

-Fine!

-Fine!

-

-Ooh, lively! Well done.

-Sorry about this. I look like

-an unemployed snooker player.

-I've a story to tell you tonight.

-Two years ago...

-..Mam was on a Cymdeithas yr Iaith

-protest in Carmarthen.

-If you're lucky, you can find a copy

-of Wales on Sunday from June 2014...

-..and you'll see

-a photo of her on page seven.

-She's the one in the blue cardigan

-sticking up two fingers...

-..while a WPC wrestles a Molotov

-cocktail out of her other hand.

-Well, if you're going to do it,

-do it right!

-If you're really lucky, you

-can find a clip of her on YouTube...

-..being dragged into a police van...

-..after kicking a sergeant in the

-nuts whilst calling him a fat twat.

-I've never been so proud of her

-in all my life!

-In the same week I won a 10 bet.

-She was convinced I'd be the

-first of the family to be arrested.

-Apart from Uncle Rolf,

-but we don't talk about him.

-It was a lovely shock for me to

-find out Mam was such a nationalist.

-Personally, I had no interest. I had

-no interest in politics for years.

-Anything those clowns in the

-Assembly or House of Commons do...

-..have no bearing on my life

-- well, not yet!

-Also, there was a time when I spent

-five minutes with Carwyn Jones.

-Afterwards, I didn't know whether to

-phone the Labour Party or Dignitas.

-As I've discovered over the years...

-..some people in Wales believe I'm

-a member of a revolutionary party.

-When I do nights like this

-and go out filming across Wales...

-..people always come and say hello,

-but a small percentage...

-..of middle-aged men, generally,

-come over for a chat...

-..and their voices descend an octave

-as they look around...

-..before leaning in and whispering,

-"Of course, you're one of us."

-The first few times it happened

-I didn't know what they meant.

-A Methodist?

-A Gorsedd member? A twat?

-But I've since found out

-what they mean.

-These men think I'm a member

-of the FWA, the Free Wales Army.

-As I explained

-to my non-Welsh friend...

-..the Free Wales Army are

-like the comedy branch of the IRA.

-Imagine Dad's Army in balaclavas

-and you've got it.

-For a while I puzzled why people

-thought I was a member of the FWA.

-But I worked it out.

-Julian Cayo Evans,

-who formed the Free Wales Army...

-..came from my birthplace, Lampeter,

-and I'd bump into him in town.

-He was quite a character,

-to say the least.

-He had a striking appearance.

-I'd say he was a mix of Zorro, Elvis

-and the actor, Leslie Phillips.

-Independence? Oh, I say! Ding-dong!

-The other possible connection...

-..is when I had a pint at a pub

-in Llanelli with Dennis Coslett.

-He was the second-in-command

-and the rest of the army.

-So people have made that connection.

-I'm pleased people think

-I'm a member of the FWA...

-..because it gives me street cred

-that I lacked up till then.

-It also makes me dangerous.

-Anyone who's seen me riding my bike

-drunk already knows I'm dangerous!

-Back in the '60s and '70s,

-the way people protested...

-..was to climb

-television masts in Wales.

-The only reason

-you'd climb one today...

-..is to stop all the shit

-that's being broadcast.

-But I still believe that TV is

-the way to achieve independence.

-More specifically,

-television plot spoilers.

-Plot spoilers for Game of Thrones.

-It's arguably the most popular show

-on the face of the earth.

-Before the next series begins...

-..the evening before

-the first episode is aired...

-..we should post the plot

-on Facebook and Twitter...

-..before it's televised.

-The government

-would be straight on the phone.

-"If you could not tell us

-what happens to Jaime Lannister...

-"..then we'll

-discuss independence with you."

-What do you mean, discuss?

-"Obviously there are pros and cons."

-In that case,

-he dies in episode six.

-We'd be independent

-within a month...

-..without a bullet being fired

-and without bloodshed.

-Pity!

-But to get back to the point, I've

-never said I'm a member of the FWA.

-I've never denied

-being a member either.

-It's not as if I walk around

-in camouflage all day...

-..though no-one would see me!

-And it's not as if I've a big tattoo

-of the white eagle on my arm.

-But it's definitely had an impact.

-The fact people think I'm a member

-of the FWA has had an impact on me.

-The best example of this

-was when I was at a pub in Llandaff.

-A gang of friends

-had all gone out for the night...

-..and friends of friends

-came to join us later.

-Among them were two

-staunch Englishmen - two Cockneys.

-They spent the entire time pulling

-our legs and taking the piss.

-All the old stereotypes...

-..until I answered their question

-which made them scamper.

-One of them said...

-.."Tell me now, Slaymaker,

-would you die for your country?

-"Eh?

-Would you die for your country?"

-I looked into his eyes and said,

-"No. No. But I'd kill for it."

-Thank you for listening. Goodnight.

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-*

-Ladies and gentlemen...

-..please welcome back your MC

-for the evening, Dan Thomas.

-Welcome

-to the Richard Burton Theatre.

-An experiment conducted in 1982...

-..resulted in the opening...

-..of a Welsh-medium secondary school

-in Cardiff - Ysgol Gyfun Glantaf.

-Like every experiment, there were

-a few unfortunate side effects.

-I'm pleased to say one of

-those side effects is here tonight.

-Please give a warm welcome

-to Daniel Glyn.

-Thank you very much.

-Hello, everyone!

-Hello!

-It's a privilege and an honour being

-here at the Richard Burton Theatre.

-It's been named after

-one of Wales' most famous actors.

-I don't know which one

-but it's nice to be here.

-My daughter won the Richard Burton

-Award at the Eisteddfod...

-..which is amazing

-because she looks fuck all like him.

-I'm still cringing

-over what happened a few months ago.

-I had one of those really

-erotic dreams about someone I knew.

-And then you see them the following

-day and can't look them in the eye.

-It was the worst Mothers' Day

-I've ever experienced.

-Talking of romance, I've been

-married now for almost 20 years.

-My wife and I

-want to keep things fresh...

-..so once a week we have date night.

-Yes, date night. Mine on a Monday

-and hers on a Wednesday.

-I tend to stay at home, to be

-honest. I'll be fine, I'll be fine.

-It's important to make an effort.

-I'm glad I'm married because dating

-these days is very difficult.

-It's all about Tinder, isn't it?

-Who here is on Tinder?

-Whoop!

-Whoop!

-This dating app,

-Tinder, Tinder, Tinder.

-I don't have time for apps.

-I do too much on my phone as it is.

-I check my emails, send texts,

-Instagram, Facebook...

-..I show the kids Netflix,

-all while I'm driving.

-It's not going to work.

-But I watch these youngsters

-on Tinder and they're like this.

-That's not romantic. They're

-not even using the right finger.

-That's divided the audience!

-Welcome to Noson Lawen!

-If I ever fancied a girl, she

-just wanted to be friends with me.

-That's what's known as friendzoned.

-But if you're Welsh

-you can't get friendzoned.

-A girl just says, "I don't want to

-date you, you're like a brother."

-That's alright.

-"I just see you as a father figure."

-Yeah, that's fine.

-I start to scare her.

-"I want Mam." That's the spirit.

-Sorry, I know that's very childish.

-I am childish by nature.

-I used to present kids' programmes.

-Two years ago at 45

-I had a midlife crisis.

-My midlife crisis

-was to get an office job.

-Honestly. I got myself a real job.

-I'd never had a real job before.

-I checked an app for Welsh jobs.

-You had to speak Welsh

-to do these jobs.

-So I checked it out and saw

-this top Welsh Government level job.

-They needed a Welsh speaker.

-I thought, there's no way I'll

-get it but it'll be good practice.

-I learnt a lot. It was very

-civilized and we spoke in English.

-Hello, hello. Yes, yes, yes.

-Chat, chat, chat.

-I came from there

-thinking it'd gone alright...

-..but I didn't think I'd get it.

-Three hours later they phoned me

-to say, "You've got the job."

-I was there going,

-"Right, OK. Really?"

-There must've been one thing I said

-that convinced them.

-And there was. Lies.

-"It says here you have contacts

-in the Welsh media."

-Yes, I do. Martyn Geraint,

-Chris Tywydd and Rapsgaliwn, yes.

-"All fine journalists, I'm sure."

-Yes, they're great.

-So I got the job and I was awful.

-I shouldn't have been there.

-They called me in.

-"We've noticed you're not

-taking this job seriously at all.

-"You promise stuff

-but never follow up on it.

-"You've antagonised

-every single member of staff...

-"..but it's your fist day,

-we'll see how it goes tomorrow."

-I got into trouble.

-"Have you read the Western Mail?

-"I don't read that shit."

-"Isn't that your job?"

-"Oh, yes, of course."

-I hadn't taken much notice

-of the news before...

-..but I noticed something recently.

-No-one claims Rolf Harris

-is Welsh any more.

-Have you noticed?

-"Rolf Harris, Caerphilly boy.

-Welsh boy, speaks Welsh."

-Now it's,

-"That Australian pig. Yuck!"

-He claims he's Welsh

-but Rolf only has one F.

-That spells Rolve.

-It should be double F.

-Rolf, the bloody Englishman!

-I was invited onto Radio Wales

-with this job.

-The people

-at Radio Wales are nice...

-..but they

-take themselves very seriously.

-You're not just a journalist

-on Radio Wales...

-..you're a broadcast journalist.

-"I'm a journalist who broadcasts."

-They like abbreviations in the BBC.

-"I'm not a broadcast journalist,

-I'm a BJ."

-They phoned me up -

-"When you come to Radio Wales...

-"..there'll be

-a BJ waiting for you in reception.

-"His name's Jamie."

-You're lucky to get a biscuit

-with Radio Cymru!

-Well, well, well!

-So that's where I was -

-I was in the wrong job.

-They were obsessed

-with collecting contacts.

-"We've got this system

-called salesforce.

-"Once you meet someone, you're in

-contact with that person forever...

-"..no matter where you move to."

-I said, "We've had that in Wales

-for years. It's called Llangrannog."

-Then I did translations for them...

-..and stuff would be sent back.

-I didn't realize

-that in a proper job...

-..you can't be sacked

-for being shit.

-What they do is career development.

-They said,

-"Your translation's a problem."

-They said, "Do you know

-what Cymdeithas Y Cyfieithwyr is?"

-I was like,

-oh, shit the game's up now.

-They sent me to the exam. They said,

-"Phone them, book yourself on it."

-I knew I was in trouble

-because I phoned up and said...

-.."I want to do

-the translating exam.

-"You mean the translation exam?"

-That's the one.

-I sat the exam.

-I said, "Please don't post it

-to work, post it to me."

-But they sent the results to work

-because work had paid for it.

-They were fuming with me

-on the Monday.

-I turned up. "Look at this.

-"Your Welsh translation

-is the worst they've ever seen.

-"They claim your Welsh translation

-is 50% English words."

-I said,

-"Well, you did ask for bilingual."

-"But not at the same time.

-"It says you're supposed to use

-these mutations...

-"..and they say you've a very

-cavalier attitude to the process."

-I said, "Let me have a look.

-"This is a very archaic form

-of Welsh they want here.

-"It's what they call Correct

-Cymraeg. It's very old fashioned.

-"These mutations are very much

-an optional extra, to be honest.

-"Very much a lifestyle choice."

-So I left the job and decided

-to concentrate on the children.

-My children go to a Welsh school.

-My children go to a Welsh school.

-

-Whoo!

-But I speak English to them.

-Come on, it's hardly Josef Fritzl,

-is it? Come on!

-I'll explain

-why I speak English to them.

-Many non-Welsh-speaking parents send

-their children to Welsh schools.

-They've thought it through for four

-years and then the homework arrives.

-"It's all in bloody Welsh."

-They think it's rude.

-They get upset.

-"Thing is, if it's in Welsh, I can't

-help them with their homework."

-I'm like, "Why are you complaining?"

-My kids just think

-I can't actually speak Welsh.

-"Dad, I have to write

-an essay on Tryweryn."

-"Don't know

-what you're talking about.

-"Don't speak that bibbly-bobbly,

-love. Don't know it, no."

-Fostering the Welsh language

-in our young is crucially important.

-Thank goodness for the Cyw channel.

-Are you fans of Cyw?

-It's incredible.

-Hooray for Cyw.

-To attract non-Welsh-speakers, Cyw

-will be available in English on S4C.

-But they've already messed it up.

-They had a live event and the crew

-started singing # Hooray Fuh-Cyw #

-You've been lovely.

-Thank you very much.

-Goodnight.

-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

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