Pennod 6 Standyp: Gwerthu Allan


Pennod 6

Heno, mae'r dysgwr Chris Chopping yn siarad Saesneg perffaith. Welsh learner Chris Chopping performs a bilingual set (with faultless English) and Noel James takes wordplay to ne...


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Transcript


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-Subtitles

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-Subtitles

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-Subtitles

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-Ladies and gentlemen, here's

-your MC for the evening, Dan Thomas.

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-I've had quite a good year.

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-This year

-I got a part in my first film.

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-Hooray!

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-Hooray!

-

-Thank you, those three people.

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-It was a horror film

-shot in Llanelli.

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-Make your own jokes. There was

-no script, it was all improvised.

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-As I said, it was a horror film...

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-..about witches

-killing people in a church.

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-The director said,

-"Here's what we want you do.

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-"Tell a story about your character

-and the scariest thing they saw."

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-I said, "Go on then, get rolling."

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-Alright, here's what happened.

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-I was walking home one night,

-it was completely dark.

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-It was terrifying and out of nowhere

-I just heard this noise.

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-WAILS

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-Never found out what it was.

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-It was a dog shagging another dog...

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-..but at the time

-I thought it was a witch.

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-We have a fantastic evening

-of comedy in store for you.

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-The next act

-used to work in an optician's.

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-He gave me an eye test once

-and he was very thorough.

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-I'd never had to drop my trousers

-and cough before.

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-It led to a court case.

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-Please welcome Chris Chopping.

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-Hello.

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-I'm Chris Chopping.

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-I'm happy to be here.

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-I'm trying to learn Welsh.

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-Yay!

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-You're welcome.

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-What can I say?

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-I'm 30 years old.

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-I come from England.

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-I like meat.

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-But I don't like cheese...

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-..or bread.

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-It's only recently...

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-..that I discovered

-what happened to Tryweryn.

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-I'm sorry.

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-In case there's any doubt

-in the room, I really am a learner.

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-The slow, stilted delivery

-is in no way a stylistic choice.

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-Will there be ad-libs?

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-No.

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-I can't do ad-libs.

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-I have a Welsh-speaking friend.

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-She offered to help me learn Welsh.

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-I tried to say...

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-.."Thank you,

-I want to learn with you."

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-But I said...

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-.."I want to sleep with" by mistake.

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-Yes, I do want to sleep with her.

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-But I don't want her to know.

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-I'm glad you seem to be

-enjoying yourselves.

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-I'll be honest,

-a lot of this is baffling to me.

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-I'm not very confident with women.

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-When I was single,

-I'd go to a club...

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-..and just have one drink.

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-I'd see a girl I fancied...

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-..I'd say...

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-..nothing...

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-..and then hope for the best.

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-Thanks.

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-You guys seem lovely.

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-I only recently did

-my first ever Welsh-language gig...

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-..and it didn't go

-particularly well, to be honest.

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-I got some pretty nasty heckles.

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-Presumably.

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-For all I know, they were shouting

-out words of encouragement...

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-..but they weren't wearing

-encouraging faces...

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-..or holding up encouraging fingers.

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-Very difficult to imagine

-someone going, "Go on, son!

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-"You're not very good but we

-all know you're doing your best."

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-And believe me, I've tried.

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-But as I say,

-I'm not very confident.

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-My Welsh-speaking friend

-doesn't help me.

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-I said to him...

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-..that I was considering

-getting contact lenses.

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-He said, "OK."

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-"Take off your glasses"...

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-..so I did.

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-He said, "No.

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-"It doesn't suit you."

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-Think about that for a moment.

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-My own unadorned face...

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-..doesn't suit me.

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-What chance have I got?

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-Just checking to see

-how long I've got.

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-Doesn't really matter, I've

-pretty much run out of Welsh now.

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-Is it alright if I stretch it out

-with crowd work?

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-Yes.

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-Yes.

-

-OK, OK.

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-You.

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-You.

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-What's your job?

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-I have three jobs.

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-Mechanic. Tyre job.

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-OK, in Welsh, please.

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-This is a Welsh-language gig.

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-If you do bits in English

-it ruins it for everyone.

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-I'm going to have to do

-someone else now.

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-You.

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-Do you like it?

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-You do?

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-Well done. Thanks. There you go,

-Welsh-language crowd work nailed.

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-I've finished speaking Welsh now.

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-.

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-*

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-Ladies and gentlemen,

-please welcome your MC, Dan Thomas.

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-Is everyone alright?

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-Is everyone alright?

-

-Yes!

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-Good, because this next act isn't.

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-He's one of the most unique and

-original comedians in the world...

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-..and neither he nor I have a clue

-what's about to happen.

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-Please give a warm welcome and

-no sudden moves to Mr Noel James.

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-Thank you. Thanks, Dan.

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-You're too kind.

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-Well, apart from you.

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-Dan said I was unique

-but I'm certainly not an eunuch.

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-I'm pleased to be

-in such a grand theatre.

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-I've been warned that it's unlucky

-to mention the Scottish play...

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-..seeing as this is a theatre.

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-I'm not too sure of it.

-Mac? Beth will know what it is.

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-But my name's Noel.

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-It's unusual.

-I'm the only Noel in Wales.

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-There is one other but he's

-the reflection of a man named Leon.

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-He's got one hell of a mirror.

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-These are jokes, by the way.

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-I've been doing a lot of yoga

-lately. Lots of yoga.

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-I'm hoping I'll become

-a yog-ert before too long.

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-Not for spiritual

-or religious reasons. God, no!

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-I don't believe in Buddha...

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-..though I did in a previous life.

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-I was a very different person

-back then.

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-At the time,

-the entire planet was under ice.

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-It was a-nice age!

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-I lived in Tibet...

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-..and Bet told me...

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-..that the Himalayas

-are seen as the roof of the world.

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-I'm going to slate them tonight!

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-The first thing they teach you...

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-..when you study Buddhism

-in the Himalayas is how to levitate.

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-You have to levitate or you'll

-never get a signal on your mobile.

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-My mother's name was Olive...

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-..a fitting name considering

-her final wish was to be stuffed.

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-I'm joking!

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-That wasn't her final wish,

-I wanted to give her a surprise.

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-I was raised in a colourful league.

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-The Welsh League of Youth,

-as it happens.

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-When it came to education,

-Mam sent me to boarding school.

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-It was similar to boarding school

-- Bro Edern School.

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-When you're a comedian

-in South Wales...

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-..travelling cross country by train

-is a real problem...

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-..because

-you have to change in London.

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-I don't know why I can't change

-in the dressing room.

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-I'm lucky to be here.

-The show was starting at eight.

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-I pulled out of Paddington

-at 6.30pm.

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-That's the last time

-I have sex with a bear.

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-I spent half an hour getting

-the marmalade out of my shirt.

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-Marmalade and grease

-forms precipitate.

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-I'm lucky it wasn't Winnie the Pooh.

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-As a result I spent most

-of the train journey in the toilet.

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-Every five minutes,

-the guard outside'd say...

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-.."No lingering in the vestibule."

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-I don't know how he knew

-I was wearing a double vest.

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-I felt ill.

-I swallowed half a Paracetamol.

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-There I was, with a parasol sticking

-out of my neck. I was brollied.

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-I pulled the chain

-and went to the sink for water...

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-..and there was no tap.

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-Trains are so old fashioned, all

-they had was a pump on the floor.

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-I began pumping

-but no water came out.

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-The more I pumped,

-the faster the train was travelling.

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-Things like that often happen to me.

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-I came out of the station and

-entered the lost and found office.

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-An old man turned to me and said,

-"At last, you've found us!"

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-On my way here I saw a yellow sign

-on the road which read "Diversion."

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-I followed it and came to another

-yellow sign which read "Detour."

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-It's obvious

-there were tour versions!

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-Yes, that's right, choose

-which ones you want to laugh at.

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-I've a wejen (girlfriend).

-A new one.

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-Want to see her?

-She's with me tonight.

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-Here's my wejen.

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-She's a bit wooden...

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-..but I think

-she'll open a lot of doors for me.

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-Hey, you should see her brother.

-He thinks he's a door.

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-He's always rattled!

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-Do you know what,

-I miss my old girlfriend.

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-She's 92...

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-..and she's a Northwalian cook.

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-So she's a chef, which explains

-why the relationship was half baked.

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-She turned into a feminist

-after burning her brasserie.

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-The reason we separated...

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-..was because she said

-I was nasty to her every night.

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-Not true. All I did

-was make her feel more at home.

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-Instead of saying goodnight, I'd use

-her dialect and say, "Nos dawch."

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-But I was pronouncing it wrongly.

-Nos da-hwch. (Goodnight, pig.)

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-Goodnight, pig. Every night.

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-She's called Non.

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-That's her first name,

-her surname is Existent.

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-She now

-owns a restaurant at Portmeirion.

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-Very posh. The restaurant's called

-Y Lle Chwech.

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-That's the Northwalian term

-for toilet.

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-It's not an appropriate name

-in my opinion.

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-Then again, The Prisoner, Number

-Six, was filmed at Portmeirion.

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-Who am I to argue with a feminist

-who cooks food that tastes of shit?

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-Seriously, she's a highbrow chef.

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-Luckily, the flames missed her brows

-when the brasserie burnt down.

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-When I saw her the other day,

-I said, "What's for lunch today?"

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-She said, "Quinoa."

-I said, I'm quite keen for that.

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-Behind the counter in Portmeirion

-she also sells pottery.

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-Actually, it's her cousin Anna,

-Anna Bolic, who sells it.

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-She sells a wide range

-of Portmeirion pottery.

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-I thought they might also

-sell the famous Ewenny pottery.

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-I asked her if she sold it

-and she said, "Yes, boy."

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-I found that slightly patronizing.

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-She said,

-"Yes, we sell Ewenny pottery...

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-"..as well as two-a-penny pottery."

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-Misunderstandings.

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-Comedy's ruthless. I did a gig

-last week for the Round Table.

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-Half the audience

-had their backs to me.

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-I used to live in Ford Transit

-but I moved to Bedford.

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-It's a van after my own heart.

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-I'm aware of the fact that I need to

-improve my command of Welsh.

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-I've been reading a book called

-Cymraeg Da (cows' Welsh)

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-I didn't know cows spoke Welsh.

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-I'm looking forward

-to the follow up.

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-I can learn mooo-re.

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-Talking of cats...

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-..I have an odd cat at home.

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-She likes running around the flat,

-spraying.

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-She sprays the furniture.

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-She's marking her territory,

-as they say.

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-I wouldn't mind it so much...

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-..if she didn't do the spraying

-using an aerosol can.

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-I don't want to see political

-graffiti on the back of the sofa.

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-This is what was written on the sofa

-today - "What do we want? Cat food.

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-"When do we want it? Miaow!"

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-She's a clever cat.

-She thinks outside the box.

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-Unfortunately,

-she shits outside the box too.

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-I celebrated St David's Day...

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-..as a patriotic Welshman...

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-..by releasing a new book...

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-..about one of our giants of poetry,

-Waldo Williams.

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-What you'll find in this book...

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-..are dozens and dozens of

-photographs of strangers' faces...

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-..and you have to pinpoint

-the poet somewhere among the faces.

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-Yes, Where's Waldo?...

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-..is the name of the project.

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-I was once in a pop group.

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-I say pop because

-we were addicted to soft drinks.

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-The band was called White Stripes.

-It was middle-of-the-road music.

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-We did Beatles' covers. Everyone

-thought we were ahead of our time.

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-The drummer

-was certainly ahead of time.

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-He could only play Mexican rhythm.

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-That's why they called us

-John, Paul, George and Gringo.

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-I'd better play the instrument

-I've brought along tonight.

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-This instrument comes from...

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-..a remote planet

-outside the milky way.

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-That's what the guy

-who sold it to me told me, anyway.

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-It comes from a planet

-covered in sand...

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-..where they mine

-and market a particular spice.

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-It's a dangerous job

-because whilst mining...

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-..they have to avoid the huge worms

-that live in the sand.

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-It's out of dune!

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-Never mind.

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-I'll have to improvise.

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-I tuned the cover earlier.

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-MIMICS JAWS THEME TUNE

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-Hands up who gets the joke.

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-Well done. Seven of you.

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-Hands up who doesn't get it.

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-Do you get it?

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-I didn't think so because it's

-going over your head in a moment.

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-Hands up who gets it

-but who doesn't find it funny.

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-Hands up who doesn't get it

-but liked the delivery.

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-OK, hands up who gets it,

-who likes it...

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-..but who would prefer to be at home

-watching Young Farmers' sketches.

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-It's obvious what it is, isn't it?

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-A famous film from the 1970s.

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-The Elephant Man.

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-Thank you very much.

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-Mr Treves...

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-..don't send me back to Cardiff!

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-No!

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-I thought you'd gone for a moment.

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-Ladies and gentlemen, it's been

-a pleasure being in front of you...

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-..and your bosoms.

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-Nos da-hwch. (Goodnight, pig.)

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-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

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-.

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Heno, mae'r dysgwr Chris Chopping yn siarad Saesneg perffaith. Welsh learner Chris Chopping performs a bilingual set (with faultless English) and Noel James takes wordplay to new heights!