Pennod 6 Standyp: Gwerthu Allan

-Subtitles

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-Subtitles

-Ladies and gentlemen, here's

-your MC for the evening, Dan Thomas.

-I've had quite a good year.

-This year

-I got a part in my first film.

-Hooray!

-Hooray!

-

-Thank you, those three people.

-It was a horror film

-shot in Llanelli.

-Make your own jokes. There was

-no script, it was all improvised.

-As I said, it was a horror film...

-..about witches

-killing people in a church.

-The director said,

-"Here's what we want you do.

-"Tell a story about your character

-and the scariest thing they saw."

-I said, "Go on then, get rolling."

-Alright, here's what happened.

-I was walking home one night,

-it was completely dark.

-It was terrifying and out of nowhere

-I just heard this noise.

-WAILS

-Never found out what it was.

-It was a dog shagging another dog...

-..but at the time

-I thought it was a witch.

-We have a fantastic evening

-of comedy in store for you.

-The next act

-used to work in an optician's.

-He gave me an eye test once

-and he was very thorough.

-I'd never had to drop my trousers

-and cough before.

-It led to a court case.

-Please welcome Chris Chopping.

-Hello.

-I'm Chris Chopping.

-I'm happy to be here.

-I'm trying to learn Welsh.

-Yay!

-You're welcome.

-What can I say?

-I'm 30 years old.

-I come from England.

-I like meat.

-But I don't like cheese...

-..or bread.

-It's only recently...

-..that I discovered

-what happened to Tryweryn.

-I'm sorry.

-In case there's any doubt

-in the room, I really am a learner.

-The slow, stilted delivery

-is in no way a stylistic choice.

-Will there be ad-libs?

-No.

-I can't do ad-libs.

-I have a Welsh-speaking friend.

-She offered to help me learn Welsh.

-I tried to say...

-.."Thank you,

-I want to learn with you."

-But I said...

-.."I want to sleep with" by mistake.

-Yes, I do want to sleep with her.

-But I don't want her to know.

-I'm glad you seem to be

-enjoying yourselves.

-I'll be honest,

-a lot of this is baffling to me.

-I'm not very confident with women.

-When I was single,

-I'd go to a club...

-..and just have one drink.

-I'd see a girl I fancied...

-..I'd say...

-..nothing...

-..and then hope for the best.

-Thanks.

-You guys seem lovely.

-I only recently did

-my first ever Welsh-language gig...

-..and it didn't go

-particularly well, to be honest.

-I got some pretty nasty heckles.

-Presumably.

-For all I know, they were shouting

-out words of encouragement...

-..but they weren't wearing

-encouraging faces...

-..or holding up encouraging fingers.

-Very difficult to imagine

-someone going, "Go on, son!

-"You're not very good but we

-all know you're doing your best."

-And believe me, I've tried.

-But as I say,

-I'm not very confident.

-My Welsh-speaking friend

-doesn't help me.

-I said to him...

-..that I was considering

-getting contact lenses.

-He said, "OK."

-"Take off your glasses"...

-..so I did.

-He said, "No.

-"It doesn't suit you."

-Think about that for a moment.

-My own unadorned face...

-..doesn't suit me.

-What chance have I got?

-Just checking to see

-how long I've got.

-Doesn't really matter, I've

-pretty much run out of Welsh now.

-Is it alright if I stretch it out

-with crowd work?

-Yes.

-Yes.

-

-OK, OK.

-You.

-You.

-What's your job?

-I have three jobs.

-Mechanic. Tyre job.

-OK, in Welsh, please.

-This is a Welsh-language gig.

-If you do bits in English

-it ruins it for everyone.

-I'm going to have to do

-someone else now.

-You.

-Do you like it?

-You do?

-Well done. Thanks. There you go,

-Welsh-language crowd work nailed.

-I've finished speaking Welsh now.

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-Ladies and gentlemen,

-please welcome your MC, Dan Thomas.

-Is everyone alright?

-Is everyone alright?

-

-Yes!

-Good, because this next act isn't.

-He's one of the most unique and

-original comedians in the world...

-..and neither he nor I have a clue

-what's about to happen.

-Please give a warm welcome and

-no sudden moves to Mr Noel James.

-Thank you. Thanks, Dan.

-You're too kind.

-Well, apart from you.

-Dan said I was unique

-but I'm certainly not an eunuch.

-I'm pleased to be

-in such a grand theatre.

-I've been warned that it's unlucky

-to mention the Scottish play...

-..seeing as this is a theatre.

-I'm not too sure of it.

-Mac? Beth will know what it is.

-But my name's Noel.

-It's unusual.

-I'm the only Noel in Wales.

-There is one other but he's

-the reflection of a man named Leon.

-He's got one hell of a mirror.

-These are jokes, by the way.

-I've been doing a lot of yoga

-lately. Lots of yoga.

-I'm hoping I'll become

-a yog-ert before too long.

-Not for spiritual

-or religious reasons. God, no!

-I don't believe in Buddha...

-..though I did in a previous life.

-I was a very different person

-back then.

-At the time,

-the entire planet was under ice.

-It was a-nice age!

-I lived in Tibet...

-..and Bet told me...

-..that the Himalayas

-are seen as the roof of the world.

-I'm going to slate them tonight!

-The first thing they teach you...

-..when you study Buddhism

-in the Himalayas is how to levitate.

-You have to levitate or you'll

-never get a signal on your mobile.

-My mother's name was Olive...

-..a fitting name considering

-her final wish was to be stuffed.

-I'm joking!

-That wasn't her final wish,

-I wanted to give her a surprise.

-I was raised in a colourful league.

-The Welsh League of Youth,

-as it happens.

-When it came to education,

-Mam sent me to boarding school.

-It was similar to boarding school

-- Bro Edern School.

-When you're a comedian

-in South Wales...

-..travelling cross country by train

-is a real problem...

-..because

-you have to change in London.

-I don't know why I can't change

-in the dressing room.

-I'm lucky to be here.

-The show was starting at eight.

-I pulled out of Paddington

-at 6.30pm.

-That's the last time

-I have sex with a bear.

-I spent half an hour getting

-the marmalade out of my shirt.

-Marmalade and grease

-forms precipitate.

-I'm lucky it wasn't Winnie the Pooh.

-As a result I spent most

-of the train journey in the toilet.

-Every five minutes,

-the guard outside'd say...

-.."No lingering in the vestibule."

-I don't know how he knew

-I was wearing a double vest.

-I felt ill.

-I swallowed half a Paracetamol.

-There I was, with a parasol sticking

-out of my neck. I was brollied.

-I pulled the chain

-and went to the sink for water...

-..and there was no tap.

-Trains are so old fashioned, all

-they had was a pump on the floor.

-I began pumping

-but no water came out.

-The more I pumped,

-the faster the train was travelling.

-Things like that often happen to me.

-I came out of the station and

-entered the lost and found office.

-An old man turned to me and said,

-"At last, you've found us!"

-On my way here I saw a yellow sign

-on the road which read "Diversion."

-I followed it and came to another

-yellow sign which read "Detour."

-It's obvious

-there were tour versions!

-Yes, that's right, choose

-which ones you want to laugh at.

-I've a wejen (girlfriend).

-A new one.

-Want to see her?

-She's with me tonight.

-Here's my wejen.

-She's a bit wooden...

-..but I think

-she'll open a lot of doors for me.

-Hey, you should see her brother.

-He thinks he's a door.

-He's always rattled!

-Do you know what,

-I miss my old girlfriend.

-She's 92...

-..and she's a Northwalian cook.

-So she's a chef, which explains

-why the relationship was half baked.

-She turned into a feminist

-after burning her brasserie.

-The reason we separated...

-..was because she said

-I was nasty to her every night.

-Not true. All I did

-was make her feel more at home.

-Instead of saying goodnight, I'd use

-her dialect and say, "Nos dawch."

-But I was pronouncing it wrongly.

-Nos da-hwch. (Goodnight, pig.)

-Goodnight, pig. Every night.

-She's called Non.

-That's her first name,

-her surname is Existent.

-She now

-owns a restaurant at Portmeirion.

-Very posh. The restaurant's called

-Y Lle Chwech.

-That's the Northwalian term

-for toilet.

-It's not an appropriate name

-in my opinion.

-Then again, The Prisoner, Number

-Six, was filmed at Portmeirion.

-Who am I to argue with a feminist

-who cooks food that tastes of shit?

-Seriously, she's a highbrow chef.

-Luckily, the flames missed her brows

-when the brasserie burnt down.

-When I saw her the other day,

-I said, "What's for lunch today?"

-She said, "Quinoa."

-I said, I'm quite keen for that.

-Behind the counter in Portmeirion

-she also sells pottery.

-Actually, it's her cousin Anna,

-Anna Bolic, who sells it.

-She sells a wide range

-of Portmeirion pottery.

-I thought they might also

-sell the famous Ewenny pottery.

-I asked her if she sold it

-and she said, "Yes, boy."

-I found that slightly patronizing.

-She said,

-"Yes, we sell Ewenny pottery...

-"..as well as two-a-penny pottery."

-Misunderstandings.

-Comedy's ruthless. I did a gig

-last week for the Round Table.

-Half the audience

-had their backs to me.

-I used to live in Ford Transit

-but I moved to Bedford.

-It's a van after my own heart.

-I'm aware of the fact that I need to

-improve my command of Welsh.

-I've been reading a book called

-Cymraeg Da (cows' Welsh)

-I didn't know cows spoke Welsh.

-I'm looking forward

-to the follow up.

-I can learn mooo-re.

-Talking of cats...

-..I have an odd cat at home.

-She likes running around the flat,

-spraying.

-She sprays the furniture.

-She's marking her territory,

-as they say.

-I wouldn't mind it so much...

-..if she didn't do the spraying

-using an aerosol can.

-I don't want to see political

-graffiti on the back of the sofa.

-This is what was written on the sofa

-today - "What do we want? Cat food.

-"When do we want it? Miaow!"

-She's a clever cat.

-She thinks outside the box.

-Unfortunately,

-she shits outside the box too.

-I celebrated St David's Day...

-..as a patriotic Welshman...

-..by releasing a new book...

-..about one of our giants of poetry,

-Waldo Williams.

-What you'll find in this book...

-..are dozens and dozens of

-photographs of strangers' faces...

-..and you have to pinpoint

-the poet somewhere among the faces.

-Yes, Where's Waldo?...

-..is the name of the project.

-I was once in a pop group.

-I say pop because

-we were addicted to soft drinks.

-The band was called White Stripes.

-It was middle-of-the-road music.

-We did Beatles' covers. Everyone

-thought we were ahead of our time.

-The drummer

-was certainly ahead of time.

-He could only play Mexican rhythm.

-That's why they called us

-John, Paul, George and Gringo.

-I'd better play the instrument

-I've brought along tonight.

-This instrument comes from...

-..a remote planet

-outside the milky way.

-That's what the guy

-who sold it to me told me, anyway.

-It comes from a planet

-covered in sand...

-..where they mine

-and market a particular spice.

-It's a dangerous job

-because whilst mining...

-..they have to avoid the huge worms

-that live in the sand.

-It's out of dune!

-Never mind.

-I'll have to improvise.

-I tuned the cover earlier.

-MIMICS JAWS THEME TUNE

-Hands up who gets the joke.

-Well done. Seven of you.

-Hands up who doesn't get it.

-Do you get it?

-I didn't think so because it's

-going over your head in a moment.

-Hands up who gets it

-but who doesn't find it funny.

-Hands up who doesn't get it

-but liked the delivery.

-OK, hands up who gets it,

-who likes it...

-..but who would prefer to be at home

-watching Young Farmers' sketches.

-It's obvious what it is, isn't it?

-A famous film from the 1970s.

-The Elephant Man.

-Thank you very much.

-Mr Treves...

-..don't send me back to Cardiff!

-No!

-I thought you'd gone for a moment.

-Ladies and gentlemen, it's been

-a pleasure being in front of you...

-..and your bosoms.

-Nos da-hwch. (Goodnight, pig.)

-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

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