Heno, mae'r dysgwr Chris Chopping yn siarad Saesneg perffaith. Welsh learner Chris Chopping performs a bilingual set (with faultless English) and Noel James takes wordplay to ne...
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-Ladies and gentlemen, here's
-your MC for the evening, Dan Thomas.
-I've had quite a good year.
-I got a part in my first film.
-Thank you, those three people.
-It was a horror film
-shot in Llanelli.
-Make your own jokes. There was
-no script, it was all improvised.
-As I said, it was a horror film...
-killing people in a church.
-The director said,
-"Here's what we want you do.
-"Tell a story about your character
-and the scariest thing they saw."
-I said, "Go on then, get rolling."
-Alright, here's what happened.
-I was walking home one night,
-it was completely dark.
-It was terrifying and out of nowhere
-I just heard this noise.
-Never found out what it was.
-It was a dog shagging another dog...
-..but at the time
-I thought it was a witch.
-We have a fantastic evening
-of comedy in store for you.
-The next act
-used to work in an optician's.
-He gave me an eye test once
-and he was very thorough.
-I'd never had to drop my trousers
-and cough before.
-It led to a court case.
-Please welcome Chris Chopping.
-I'm Chris Chopping.
-I'm happy to be here.
-I'm trying to learn Welsh.
-What can I say?
-I'm 30 years old.
-I come from England.
-I like meat.
-But I don't like cheese...
-It's only recently...
-..that I discovered
-what happened to Tryweryn.
-In case there's any doubt
-in the room, I really am a learner.
-The slow, stilted delivery
-is in no way a stylistic choice.
-Will there be ad-libs?
-I can't do ad-libs.
-I have a Welsh-speaking friend.
-She offered to help me learn Welsh.
-I tried to say...
-I want to learn with you."
-But I said...
-.."I want to sleep with" by mistake.
-Yes, I do want to sleep with her.
-But I don't want her to know.
-I'm glad you seem to be
-I'll be honest,
-a lot of this is baffling to me.
-I'm not very confident with women.
-When I was single,
-I'd go to a club...
-..and just have one drink.
-I'd see a girl I fancied...
-..and then hope for the best.
-You guys seem lovely.
-I only recently did
-my first ever Welsh-language gig...
-..and it didn't go
-particularly well, to be honest.
-I got some pretty nasty heckles.
-For all I know, they were shouting
-out words of encouragement...
-..but they weren't wearing
-..or holding up encouraging fingers.
-Very difficult to imagine
-someone going, "Go on, son!
-"You're not very good but we
-all know you're doing your best."
-And believe me, I've tried.
-But as I say,
-I'm not very confident.
-My Welsh-speaking friend
-doesn't help me.
-I said to him...
-..that I was considering
-getting contact lenses.
-He said, "OK."
-"Take off your glasses"...
-..so I did.
-He said, "No.
-"It doesn't suit you."
-Think about that for a moment.
-My own unadorned face...
-..doesn't suit me.
-What chance have I got?
-Just checking to see
-how long I've got.
-Doesn't really matter, I've
-pretty much run out of Welsh now.
-Is it alright if I stretch it out
-with crowd work?
-What's your job?
-I have three jobs.
-Mechanic. Tyre job.
-OK, in Welsh, please.
-This is a Welsh-language gig.
-If you do bits in English
-it ruins it for everyone.
-I'm going to have to do
-someone else now.
-Do you like it?
-Well done. Thanks. There you go,
-Welsh-language crowd work nailed.
-I've finished speaking Welsh now.
-Ladies and gentlemen,
-please welcome your MC, Dan Thomas.
-Is everyone alright?
-Is everyone alright?
-Good, because this next act isn't.
-He's one of the most unique and
-original comedians in the world...
-..and neither he nor I have a clue
-what's about to happen.
-Please give a warm welcome and
-no sudden moves to Mr Noel James.
-Thank you. Thanks, Dan.
-You're too kind.
-Well, apart from you.
-Dan said I was unique
-but I'm certainly not an eunuch.
-I'm pleased to be
-in such a grand theatre.
-I've been warned that it's unlucky
-to mention the Scottish play...
-..seeing as this is a theatre.
-I'm not too sure of it.
-Mac? Beth will know what it is.
-But my name's Noel.
-I'm the only Noel in Wales.
-There is one other but he's
-the reflection of a man named Leon.
-He's got one hell of a mirror.
-These are jokes, by the way.
-I've been doing a lot of yoga
-lately. Lots of yoga.
-I'm hoping I'll become
-a yog-ert before too long.
-Not for spiritual
-or religious reasons. God, no!
-I don't believe in Buddha...
-..though I did in a previous life.
-I was a very different person
-At the time,
-the entire planet was under ice.
-It was a-nice age!
-I lived in Tibet...
-..and Bet told me...
-..that the Himalayas
-are seen as the roof of the world.
-I'm going to slate them tonight!
-The first thing they teach you...
-..when you study Buddhism
-in the Himalayas is how to levitate.
-You have to levitate or you'll
-never get a signal on your mobile.
-My mother's name was Olive...
-..a fitting name considering
-her final wish was to be stuffed.
-That wasn't her final wish,
-I wanted to give her a surprise.
-I was raised in a colourful league.
-The Welsh League of Youth,
-as it happens.
-When it came to education,
-Mam sent me to boarding school.
-It was similar to boarding school
-- Bro Edern School.
-When you're a comedian
-in South Wales...
-..travelling cross country by train
-is a real problem...
-you have to change in London.
-I don't know why I can't change
-in the dressing room.
-I'm lucky to be here.
-The show was starting at eight.
-I pulled out of Paddington
-That's the last time
-I have sex with a bear.
-I spent half an hour getting
-the marmalade out of my shirt.
-Marmalade and grease
-I'm lucky it wasn't Winnie the Pooh.
-As a result I spent most
-of the train journey in the toilet.
-Every five minutes,
-the guard outside'd say...
-.."No lingering in the vestibule."
-I don't know how he knew
-I was wearing a double vest.
-I felt ill.
-I swallowed half a Paracetamol.
-There I was, with a parasol sticking
-out of my neck. I was brollied.
-I pulled the chain
-and went to the sink for water...
-..and there was no tap.
-Trains are so old fashioned, all
-they had was a pump on the floor.
-I began pumping
-but no water came out.
-The more I pumped,
-the faster the train was travelling.
-Things like that often happen to me.
-I came out of the station and
-entered the lost and found office.
-An old man turned to me and said,
-"At last, you've found us!"
-On my way here I saw a yellow sign
-on the road which read "Diversion."
-I followed it and came to another
-yellow sign which read "Detour."
-there were tour versions!
-Yes, that's right, choose
-which ones you want to laugh at.
-I've a wejen (girlfriend).
-A new one.
-Want to see her?
-She's with me tonight.
-Here's my wejen.
-She's a bit wooden...
-..but I think
-she'll open a lot of doors for me.
-Hey, you should see her brother.
-He thinks he's a door.
-He's always rattled!
-Do you know what,
-I miss my old girlfriend.
-..and she's a Northwalian cook.
-So she's a chef, which explains
-why the relationship was half baked.
-She turned into a feminist
-after burning her brasserie.
-The reason we separated...
-..was because she said
-I was nasty to her every night.
-Not true. All I did
-was make her feel more at home.
-Instead of saying goodnight, I'd use
-her dialect and say, "Nos dawch."
-But I was pronouncing it wrongly.
-Nos da-hwch. (Goodnight, pig.)
-Goodnight, pig. Every night.
-She's called Non.
-That's her first name,
-her surname is Existent.
-owns a restaurant at Portmeirion.
-Very posh. The restaurant's called
-Y Lle Chwech.
-That's the Northwalian term
-It's not an appropriate name
-in my opinion.
-Then again, The Prisoner, Number
-Six, was filmed at Portmeirion.
-Who am I to argue with a feminist
-who cooks food that tastes of shit?
-Seriously, she's a highbrow chef.
-Luckily, the flames missed her brows
-when the brasserie burnt down.
-When I saw her the other day,
-I said, "What's for lunch today?"
-She said, "Quinoa."
-I said, I'm quite keen for that.
-Behind the counter in Portmeirion
-she also sells pottery.
-Actually, it's her cousin Anna,
-Anna Bolic, who sells it.
-She sells a wide range
-of Portmeirion pottery.
-I thought they might also
-sell the famous Ewenny pottery.
-I asked her if she sold it
-and she said, "Yes, boy."
-I found that slightly patronizing.
-"Yes, we sell Ewenny pottery...
-"..as well as two-a-penny pottery."
-Comedy's ruthless. I did a gig
-last week for the Round Table.
-Half the audience
-had their backs to me.
-I used to live in Ford Transit
-but I moved to Bedford.
-It's a van after my own heart.
-I'm aware of the fact that I need to
-improve my command of Welsh.
-I've been reading a book called
-Cymraeg Da (cows' Welsh)
-I didn't know cows spoke Welsh.
-I'm looking forward
-to the follow up.
-I can learn mooo-re.
-Talking of cats...
-..I have an odd cat at home.
-She likes running around the flat,
-She sprays the furniture.
-She's marking her territory,
-as they say.
-I wouldn't mind it so much...
-..if she didn't do the spraying
-using an aerosol can.
-I don't want to see political
-graffiti on the back of the sofa.
-This is what was written on the sofa
-today - "What do we want? Cat food.
-"When do we want it? Miaow!"
-She's a clever cat.
-She thinks outside the box.
-she shits outside the box too.
-I celebrated St David's Day...
-..as a patriotic Welshman...
-..by releasing a new book...
-..about one of our giants of poetry,
-What you'll find in this book...
-..are dozens and dozens of
-photographs of strangers' faces...
-..and you have to pinpoint
-the poet somewhere among the faces.
-Yes, Where's Waldo?...
-..is the name of the project.
-I was once in a pop group.
-I say pop because
-we were addicted to soft drinks.
-The band was called White Stripes.
-It was middle-of-the-road music.
-We did Beatles' covers. Everyone
-thought we were ahead of our time.
-was certainly ahead of time.
-He could only play Mexican rhythm.
-That's why they called us
-John, Paul, George and Gringo.
-I'd better play the instrument
-I've brought along tonight.
-This instrument comes from...
-..a remote planet
-outside the milky way.
-That's what the guy
-who sold it to me told me, anyway.
-It comes from a planet
-covered in sand...
-..where they mine
-and market a particular spice.
-It's a dangerous job
-because whilst mining...
-..they have to avoid the huge worms
-that live in the sand.
-It's out of dune!
-I'll have to improvise.
-I tuned the cover earlier.
-MIMICS JAWS THEME TUNE
-Hands up who gets the joke.
-Well done. Seven of you.
-Hands up who doesn't get it.
-Do you get it?
-I didn't think so because it's
-going over your head in a moment.
-Hands up who gets it
-but who doesn't find it funny.
-Hands up who doesn't get it
-but liked the delivery.
-OK, hands up who gets it,
-who likes it...
-..but who would prefer to be at home
-watching Young Farmers' sketches.
-It's obvious what it is, isn't it?
-A famous film from the 1970s.
-The Elephant Man.
-Thank you very much.
-..don't send me back to Cardiff!
-I thought you'd gone for a moment.
-Ladies and gentlemen, it's been
-a pleasure being in front of you...
-..and your bosoms.
-Nos da-hwch. (Goodnight, pig.)
-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.
Heno, mae'r dysgwr Chris Chopping yn siarad Saesneg perffaith. Welsh learner Chris Chopping performs a bilingual set (with faultless English) and Noel James takes wordplay to new heights!