It's the Way He Told Them - A Tribute to Frank Carson

Just discovered a woman in Africa with five legs.

Knickers fit her like a glove.

Hi!

LAUGHTER

Was it something I said?

McGuigan, you've been knocked down that often you'll end up with a cauliflower arse.

The old gags are the best, aren't they?

It's the way I tell them.

He was above being Protestant or Catholic, he was just Frank.

I knocked at the door and it was an old Irish lady came to the door, God love her, 79 years old.

Big long green dress, beautiful white hair

and one of the softest Irish accents I have ever heard.

As they say in Ballymena, he would have deafened you.

And she said,

"WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT?"

'The world of show business pays tribute to Frank Carson,

'the Belfast-born comedian who died last night at the age of 85.'

They've just invented a new pillow for Capley Quilts, 3.5 tonnes.

You put it up against the door and your husband can't get in.

There's the Titanic, then there's Frank.

Both come out of Belfast and made their mark on the world.

'Northern Ireland has lost one of its greatest ever ambassadors.'

What a hotel I'm in,

lovely beautiful dressing gown behind the door, soft, fluffy togs,

lovely sheets, took me half an hour getting my suitcase closed.

And everybody loved him.

The fella went into the chemist, he said, "Give me six Viagra."

The chemist says, "Have you got a prescription?"

He said, "No, but I'll show you a photograph of the wife."

I travelled all the way up from Dublin this morning

just to sign the book of condolences.

He was a great man.

Have you seen me on the telly?

Good, you're going to hear the same jokes again.

Just joke after joke after joke. It's just so funny, you know,

very, very witty man, very witty.

He was just a real funny man and a very, very nice man

and a family man.

You may not have liked him but you couldn't ignore him,

he was just an extraordinary man.

He made people laugh when times were very, very bad, very depressing.

There wasn't much fun but he added so much fun to people's lives,

he certainly did to mine.

When I started out at the Empire, I thought Frank Carson

had no relevance to me whatsoever, absolutely none.

And then I came over here and in a way,

I think what he did was that anyone who came from Northern Ireland

afterwards, English people were prepared to judge them

based on whether they were funny or not

and so everybody from Roy Walker, Eamonn Holmes, Gloria Hunniford,

anybody that's come since really has to thank Frank.

He was inseparable from his roots

because he couldn't be Frank Carson without being a Belfast man.

There was many things, he was very funny, he was a soldier,

he was a father, he was lots of things,

a comic genius but he was also a Belfast man and that was integral

to his humour and who he was and the audience that he knew.

Just behind me is Donegal Street and it is one of the oldest streets

in Belfast but I consider it my street because I went to school here,

I went to church here, probably could say my show business career

started here because I was a boy soprano in the choir.

We've got three beautiful churches and I met my wife here, my childhood sweetheart.

You follow me and I'll fill you in on what's happening.

Years and years across the water and not changing.

None of this, you go over there

and you start instead of saying, "gayum" you go, "game."

And instead of saying, "par" you go, "pow-er."

That's not Frank, that wasn't him.

I went round to the Palladium, there was a crowd,

I said to this fella, "What's Jimmy Tarbuck like?"

He said, "He's the funniest comedian in Britain."

I said, "Have you heard of a comedian called Frank Carson?"

He says, "Him, he stinks."

I said, "Well, I'm Frank Carson."

He says, "I know, I'm Jimmy Tarbuck."

So he kept his accent, he was well-known for it.

It's authenticity, that's what it is.

Frank was Frank, he was Frank, he was Carson.

He made the best of his talents, he made the best of the fact

he was a Belfast man and we have a great humour over here.

And I praise him and admire him for what he achieved.

I was only six or seven and my dad had to go round to Frank's house.

We lived in the New Lodge Road and he lived on Stratheden Street

and my dad brought me around and my dad was talking business with him

and Frank was a plasterer then and my dad needed him for something.

And when we came out, my dad holding my hand

and we were walking down the street and he said to me, "See Frank, there?"

He said, "he's going to be famous, he's going to be on the TV."

'And here he is, your compere,

Hughie Green.'

Thank you, thank you very much.

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, nice to be back.

And tonight, welcome once again, to British television's

only variety show where your votes

and your votes alone make the winners.

And the fact that he went on and there was no phone polls

in those days, it was all postal votes

and the whole community, the whole community in the New Lodge,

they were all behind Frank and he ran a fantastic campaign,

it was like a presidential election to get his votes in.

Vote early, vote often.

This fella had four O Levels,

mugging, knifing, boozing and shoplifting.

Somebody threw a petrol bomb at him and he drank it.

He didn't forget that,

I don't think you forgot the fact that the people of Belfast,

of the New Lodge, of Northern Ireland, got him where he was.

Did you hear about the Irish man reversed into the car boot sale?

And he sold the engine. It's the way I tell them.

Maggie Murphy went to the doctors, she said,

"I've forgotten to take my contradictive pill."

He said, "You've what?"

"I've forgotten my contradictive pill." He said, "You're ignorant."

"Yeah, three months."

That's a cracker, that one.

It's the way I tell them. It must be a gift, it's a gift.

Thanks.

It's funny, because impressions of catchphrases, David Frost,

you know, was always "Hello, good evening and welcome."

And by the time it finished, he went "Hellooo, gud evening..."

And with Frank it started out, "That's a cracker."

And by the end, "at a crker, at a crckr."

'At a cracker.

It's the way I tell 'em.

You want me to try to do it, you want me to make a fool of myself?

'At's a cracker. 'At's a cracker. It'sa way I tell 'em.

Have you heard the one about the lad who went off to Canada

and when he had been there some months he wrote back to his mum

and said, "I've grown an extra foot."

So she sent him three socks for a present. That's a cracker!

I first encountered Frank Carson in a joke book

that sat in my bathroom when I was seven years of age.

And there was a show on the TV called The Comedians.

I should have read you this letter earlier on, it's from my mother.

She says, "Dear Frank, you've now been away for three weeks

"and we thought you were still in the lavatory."

And Frank's section of the book

was the section that was ripped out cos those were the best jokes.

"Since you've left home, your father has become a sex maniac

"and tries to make love to me every opportunity he gets.

"Please excuse the wobbly writing."

Never get away with that one.

So he transplants himself and he goes and lives in Manchester

and the north-west of England in Blackpool

but his heart's always in Northern Ireland.

"Your uncle Joe drank a bottle of varnish yesterday and had a horrible death

"but a lovely finish."

The way I tell 'em.

"I would've put £2 in this letter

"only I have the envelope sealed."

Cos that's where his audience is, that's the base of his humour,

that's the upbringing that made him the funny man that he was.

I've just walked a short distance from Donegal Street,

the end of what's known as Little Italy.

Know why they call it Little Italy.

Cos there's a real lot of Italian families living around in this area.

Fuscos, Santinis, the Peruccis, the Morellis

and if you look just over my shoulder you'll find,

just behind that fella offering me the money,

is the very room I was born in.

48 George Street.

My mother was second string Italian, really,

her father was Sicilian and my dad was obviously a Belfast man.

But she was Italian,

and she swore in Italian at my father.

I mean, one of my jokes was that I descended not from the Mafia

but from the Murphia.

Remember the boat the Mary Celeste where everyone disappeared?

Well, they found out why.

Cannon and Ball were doing the cabaret.

Well, I thought I'd find you two legendary journalists here.

Two legendary hacks.

I've known Frank forever.

He's been around in my life at the last 50 years,

without a shadow of a doubt.

He was always good for the last ten centimetres of my column that I couldn't fill.

I phoned Frank and he came up with a story.

I'll tell you where he gets it all from. He got it from his mother, Josephine.

I met her once. She lived up around Cliftonville in a lovely

little flat. And he took me to see her.

It was uncanny listening to her, because it was Frank. The same sort of jokes.

The two of them rattled away to each other. And he loved her, adored her.

My mother was the same, Josie. She was very funny.

I remember going in to waken her one morning. She'd only one eye, died at 89.

And I went into waken her. I said, "Hey, Josie, waken up!"

"What are you waking me for?" she said. "I was having 20 winks!"

Not 40. One eye, 20! Lovely, wasn't it?

'I was reading there while I was away, Frank Carson was ill with stomach cancer.

'I'm delighted to say that he's on the line with us now.

'Frank, good morning to you.

'Good morning to you and how wonderful to hear

'the news that Doagh Road is down to one lane.'

FRANK CHUCKLES

'It's always nice to talk to you, Frank.'

Frank would phone the Nolan Show quite often.

-'I'm sorry to hear about your friend. That's scandalous.'

-Yeah.

'That's absolutely scandalous and I'd say to her

'to get them into court, get as much publicity as possible,

'especially people in that particular area.'

And it would have been because there was a stranger in Northern Ireland

who he didn't know and he was interested in their story,

or he was interested in something happening in Northern Ireland.

On he would come, and to be honest with you, it would be

a bit of a problem because I'd look at the clock and it'd be

9:45, he'd talk about the subject matter for a few minutes,

he'd tell jokes for five minutes. You couldn't shut him up.

So it's ten or five to ten, news comes at 10 o'clock. Couldn't get Frank to shut up.

'Let me just play you once again, this car mileage joke,

'because I just love it. I love it!

'Murphy said to Flanagan, "What's the big, long face for?"

'He says, "I can't get rid of the car. 78,000 miles on the clock."

'He said, "Well, why don't put the clock back?"

'"Jeepers, I never thought of that." He sees him a week later.

'He says, "Did you get rid of the car?" He says, "Why should I? Only 12,000 miles on her."'

I'd ring him up and say, "Frank...

and he'd say, "Two knickknacks and a gehoji..."

And I'd say, "Frank...", and he'd say, "Listen, did you hear this one?"

And he'd just go into it. He'd just go in and I'd listen to his jokes for 20 minutes,

then think, "What was I ringing him about?"

This fella's had more hits than you had in your last fight!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Did you like that?

Very good!

Did a show the other night. One man in the audience, at the show.

I said, "Thanks very much for coming. We'll do the show for you."

He said, "Terrific. Would you hurry? I've to lock up."

I used to love his phone calls because he'd forget what he rang for.

He'd just tell you joke after joke and that was him. Loved him to bits.

It was exhausting! And it's not that you actually did anything. You didn't.

All you did was laugh. You just had to laugh and listen.

So your jaws hurt and your ears hurt. And he just did not stop.

And whether that was a talent or a condition,

I'm not really sure!

Brigid Murphy went to the parish priest. She said, "Father, can I use the pill?"

He said, "Of course not. You know the rules of the church." She said, "What'll I do?"

He said, "You'll have to use the rhythm method."

LAUGHTER

She says, "Where am I going to get a ceili band at 12:30 at night?"

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

It's a cracker, isn't it?

Somebody says to me, "Were you talking to Frank recently?" I says, "No, I was listening!"

I've just come back from Australia.

I got into this aircraft in Australia and a fella walked in behind me,

shoved a shotgun in the pilot's ear and said, "Take me to London."

Pilot says, "I'm going to London." He says, "I know, but I've been hijacked twice,

"and I'm taking no bloody chances!"

LAUGHTER

It was the oldest aircraft I've ever been in. It had an outside lavatory.

Even that year I won the World Championship

I got a message from Frank every round I won through.

Or if I had a bad session, because it went on for 17 days.

The poor wee girl on reception had to write a message from Frank

and she had to put down the words Frank said, and occasionally there was the odd word...

And this would be under my door when I got back from the snooker and it would be a message...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Frank was spurring me on throughout that whole World Championship.

Round here as well, there was just streets and streets of little houses...

You know, Edward Street, Little Edward Street, Little York Street.

Good God, the memories flooding back there.

This is where my Aunt Bridget lived.

And I'll show you one of the great Carson monuments, if you like!

This where I done... See all this here, look.

I plastered all round those.

And that was Aunt Bridget's house and that was Mrs Morgan's.

And I plastered Mrs Morgan's scullery and kitchen.

They all gave me a couple of quid each, except Mrs Morgan,

she gave me two pound of sugar.

The sugar was as hard as that! She must have had it for years!

And the fella in the corner here... he knocked two rooms into one.

It's the only house in Belfast with a 60-foot ceiling.

My favourite joke is, one man, and his wife said to him,

"Frank, if you win the lottery, would you still love me?"

He says, "Of course, I'd still love you, but I'd miss you."

-Take your hands off now. Don't trust him.

-You nearly wore that dress.

Don't trust him, Bonnie. Frank Carson,

we haven't seen you for ages.

It's a pleasure to be back here, Terry.

I've been one of your great fans for many years.

I'm looking forward to enjoying this show

and the audience enjoying me as well. And...

Now you may have heard a boo in the audience there, that's my manager.

I like the way you could put the family down,

watched his jokes, there was never any problem with him, nothing smutty.

I always liked him, too, because he was funny

and he was never ever blue.

I think his best gag, and he never used to always use it.

He used to say about in the army and the paratroopers,

the sergeant major said,

"Carson! I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."

"Thank you, sir."

Now, that to me...is one of his... It's a cracker!

I think that was one of his best one-line gags, I just love that.

The ice cream van stopped,

and they opened the doors and the ice cream man was lying dead,

covered in ice cream, whipped cream, chocolate sauce and nuts.

And the policeman said, "What happened here?"

And the fella said, "He topped himself."

I think that's what kept his longevity.

If you're clean, you'll always get work.

APPLAUSE

Is this a good joke? Before you start.

Turn out that spotlight, you're going to fade this suit.

Why did the chicken run across the road?

I don't know, why did the chicken run across the road?

Because the Russians were shooting at him.

Oh, sorry, wait. Sorry, got that wrong.

Why did the Chechen run across the road?

I'm really worried about my girlfriend's morals,

she has "Next" written on her undies.

He came up to me and he said, "I thought you were very good

"tonight, young Kielty, you almost made me laugh twice."

It's the king of Irish comedy, Mr Frank Carson!

You watch it.

Just completely came out.

Floored me, couldn't get a word in edgeways.

I was coming from Newry, there was a lorry

and I was flashing him, trying to make him stop.

Eventually he stops and says, "What's wrong?"

I said, "You're shedding your load."

He said, "I'm gritting."

It's the only television show I've been on where they've said,

"What way do you want your money, heads or tails?"

There was an old priest on the plane this morning, he said to me,

"Are you nervous?"

-Was there, Frank?

-Yes, he gave me a glass of wine.

I said, "That's strong." He said, "The pope drinks that."

I said, "No wonder he falls on his knees when he gets off the plane."

Look, is there any gags you don't know?

Oh, I'm sure there's a few I don't know,

but I'd like to hear some I do know.

That's why I came on the show, to get some of my old material back.

APPLAUSE

Here we are, St Patrick's, part of Carson's history.

-Father White, how are you?

-Good morning, Frank.

Beautiful, Father, oh, you've done a magnificent job here.

Thank you very much.

You won't believe it, but see up there...I was a choir boy up there.

I used to be in the choir. Did you know Frank Carson was a boy soprano?

And of course, you'd go to little show...

Frank's religion and faith was very important to him,

but that didn't blind him to the fact

of how divisive religion could be,

and how we as a people had more in common

than we had that would keep us apart.

I think he realised that, in his position,

he was above being Protestant or Catholic, he was just Frank.

This tree is planted at exactly 94, Corporation Street

and the woman next door was the Murphys,

and the woman next door was the Gilmores,

and the woman at the end,

I used to do her messages, was Mrs Quinn and just there

was Sinclair Seamen's Church,

and I read every day. I used to read this psalm,

"They that go down to the sea in ships and who do business in great waters,

"these are the works of the Lord and his wonders of the deep."

Now, when you look it back at the Troubles here

and 3,000 of our citizens slaughtered.

For what reason?

If my quotation still holds, too many Catholics,

too many Protestants, not enough Christians.

What's your inspiration for your laughter?

Just loving people, and knowing they're there to see you

and you're the centre of attraction so go ahead, make them laugh.

God was all love, he's been merciful to me,

he's given me an absolutely wonderful life to walk out on stage knowing

that's there's maybe only 10 people or 10,000,

makes no difference to me, I'll make them laugh.

There's three things in life you'll always be sure of,

one, taxation, two, death, three, everywhere that you're with

Frank Carson, like you are, you'll get a laugh.

I would sum him up in terms of one word, generosity.

That came through massively both in front of the microphone

but a lot behind the scenes. So Frank would have phoned me

after the programme a few times and asked for an address of a complete stranger

and I would have said, "What are you doing?"

"I want to send them a cheque. I was listening to your programme today and

"I know they're in trouble. I want to quietly send them some money."

So he wasn't looking for publicity,

he didn't know them, his only connection to these people was

Northern Ireland and I think that says lot about him.

Unbelievable charity work.

Pope John Paul gave him the Knight of St Gregory

for his charity work.

Frank paid loads of his time and money into it,

him and his son, Tony,

did unbelievable work for it and education.

We met the two Popes, yeah, we went to meet Pope John Paul.

There's an old story about him and Pope Benedict,

and Benedict says to him, "Did you ever meet Elvis Presley?"

And Frank said, "Not yet."

"You know, Jackie," he says,

"You can get humour out of everything. Tragedy."

And it was the time of the tremors,

the earthquakes in Los Angeles and he says,

"Paddy was over there." Always an Irishman.

"And he was in a trap in a hotel, and he says,

"They're searching for days. The third day they hear this voice,

"Hello?" he says, "Who is that?"

'"Paddy, Paddy Murphy."'

And he says, "We're trying to get you out, keep calm,

"can you give us a clue, where are you?"

'"Aye, he says, "It's straightforward. I'm in Room 237."'

This is my old school here. I had a wonderful education

even though I left school at 14,

reading, writing and arithmetic and in here is my old classroom

and I haven't seen it since I was 14 years old.

Good God.

Frank Carson!

How are you? I'm George Bush!

He saw the good in people, he was a kind man,

he was full of energy and he lived 150 years in those 85 years.

Of all the places I've been in the world, this will be the one place

I can never forget, it's absolutely wonderful,

it's my old classroom, I can smell the chalk,

I can hear the noise of the cane, slapping on the backside

and that's how we done it. Caned for doing things wrong.

The big stove in the corner, God, I can see it now,

the heat just flying off it.

Of course we lose a comic genius but for his family, for his wife, Ruth,

for his sons, Tony and Aidan and his daughter, Majella,

they lose a husband and a dad, they'll never lose him,

none of us will ever lose him.

He's there, preserved, he's captured, the smile is there,

he's on film, he's on video, he's in people's memories

and most of all he's in people's hearts and in people's smiles

because, when we mention him, we just laugh.

At 12 o'clock I used to ring the bell, ring-ring,

and then I'd leave the bell down and I'd be first out,

I'd be out that door like the clappers and run all the way

to Corporation Street.

Do you know, I was a budding Seb Coe in those days?

Non-stop running.

Oh, dear.

A lot of my old friends, all the nicknames,

Donkey McCrudden,

Cash Register McCrabe, Overcolour Hanlon,

Oinky McCrudden, Duck Alec, all dead.

He was a very special man, a very, very special man, Frank.

An icon.

He was a friend of Belfast.

He was an ambassador for Northern Ireland,

he was a very, very funny man,

and he was a friend of mine

and I loved him.

'Large crowds are expected at the funeral of Frank Carson,

'n Belfast, later this morning.

The 85-year-old comedian died in Blackpool last month.'

"I've had a charmed life, among some of the most wonderful people,

"some of the funniest people in the world as well,

"and I've just loved every minute of it.

"I'm so hoping that when I die,

"there's the like of people

"coming on to the radio and saying,

"We're sorry to hear Frank has gone.

"And if I could listen to that happening I would say,

"Thank you very much indeed, you've made me a very happy man

"because I've made so many laugh over so many years."

That's a cracker, that one. It's the way I tell them.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd