Festivals Highlights BBC at the Edinburgh Festivals

It's Edinburgh, it's August, it's raining.

I am so excited I'm going to have to twirl my umbrella.

Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Don't worry about it, though, if you're not here,

cos we've got a huge selection of brilliant shows on the...

on the...on the... Yes, the BBC iPlayer.

All right, we're going to try and get backstage now?

- Yes. - Sure. With that face?

With THAT face!

Welcome to my dressing room. It looks like a ladies' toilet.

Yes, it is a ladies' toilet,

because the Edinburgh Fringe is nothing if not extremely glamorous.

And, unfortunately, I think that's going to have to do it.

Does it look funny? Well, we're going to find out.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I personally find choice quite stressful.

My nightmare is that when you die, there's actually TWO white lights.

LAUGHTER

Think about that for a second!

Just as a final "BLEEP you",

can you imagine, "Come towards the light..."

"Argh! Which one? Which one?!"

"I can't tell you, but one of them goes to the gym."

"No!" LAUGHTER

My first experience of Edinburgh

in terms of, like, doing an hour show was 2005.

'And I got absolutely slated in the reviews,

'and it was really disheartening.'

So, a lot of people can't understand how you can get up on stage

and do stand-up, tell people jokes.

But for me, there is one thing in particular

that I could not imagine getting up and doing.

Poetry Slam. What is that exactly?

Er, I guess it's like a poetry competition.

- It's poetry sport. - Is it?

Basically, you get a fixed amount of time.

People judge you, X Factor-style.

I thought it was either like a rap battle or it's people telling poems

while they run at each other.

That would be amazing.

If I only had 15 seconds in which to compare you to a metaphor,

I would not know what to use them for.

I would just stand here looking dumb with ten figures, nine excuses,

eight reasons to never again do this,

and I wish that love was more like a slam poem

with the ending in sight because if I've time this just right,

it should be three, two, one... WHISTLE

You!

APPLAUSE

'I've been told they're quite highbrow judges.

'Like I said, slams are really different,'

so I don't know how much they'll appreciate my bottom jokes.

Do you have one line you could maybe give us

as a sneak for your most filthy bottom joke?

The Call Of Duty poem is about being so

into your online game it's really difficult

when you need to go to the toilet.

- So one of the stanzas goes... - I love that already!

Feel your stool's acceleration In your cruel incarceration

Mouth is dry, exasperation In your pants, discolouration.

That sounds like you're mixing a sonnet, with Call Of Duty,

- with shitting yourself. - What more is there?

Women have been hidden away in the history books.

After all, it is his-story, history.

Well, this is HER story, Her-story, goddammit, this is MY story.

And it will not be written in pencil and erased with guilt.

It will be written in pen and spoken with courage.

You will hear it on the radio on your way to work.

You will study it in English.

You will read about it on the bulletin boards

next to the flyer about yoga for babies, because I am not ashamed.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Jeez, if that's the quality at the first heat,

I can't imagine how the grand final is going to be.

I really want... I am going to have to go to the final.

I genuinely want to see more of that. Yeah, frightening.

Frighteningly talented, and brilliant.

It was so good, I was terrified!

I would like to point out

no man has ever won the BBC Fringe Slam.

Just A Minute.

It is a radio show where you talk for...

- Just one minute. - Oh, a minute. I see, I get it!

Don't worry. This is going to be easy.

- That's a short programme! - No, it's just...

The show's not just one minute. It's half an hour.

I'm going to give you subject to talk about just for one minute.

No hesitation, deviation, repetition, OK? Edinburgh Festival. Golf.

OK. The Edinburgh Festival is happening. Right now. Here.

All-around. There are shows, and...

Stop. That's hesitation.

You can't hesitate.

This is horrific, why do people enjoy this?

I don't know. It's a pedant's dream to correct someone

and get rewarded for it, cos you get a point if you correct someone

and you're right to correct them.

- British like doing that, do they? - They love doing that.

Have you ever been when someone's gone, "Actually, no,

"that's not quite correct, actually."

I love that. Do a minute about Just A Minute, but as that guy.

- Go. - Erm...

OK, so, Just A Minute is basically a show hosted by Nicholas Parsons,

- it's had 900 shows. - Repetition!

- Why? - Shows.

- Shows. - You said "show" again.

Correct, well done. That was a test for repetition.

- 900 shows, people... - Wait! Repetition.

Oh, my God! I'm getting this all wrong.

- It's all right. - That's how difficult it is.

- I don't think we're good at it. - No, we're not.

But you know who is really good at it?

The funniest fan letter I ever got, or the most delightful one,

was from an American, and he is George Adams,

he is mentioned in the book, cos he wrote to me and said,

"Why is Just A Minute not on the World Service?

"We love it."

And I wrote back and said, "The World Service,

"in their lack of wisdom

"have decided that they're only going to put on programmes which

"emphasise the culture and background and so forth of the British nation."

And he wrote back and said - a lovely letter - he said,

"Nothing emphasises the whole nature and background

"and history of Great Britain than Just A Minute.

"It is the epitome of what is Great Britain.

"I feel so I feel so strongly, I'm going

"to send a copy of my letter to your Prime Minister."

And then he put at PS in, "On second thoughts,

"I'm also going to send a copy to your Queen."

LAUGHTER

So, this guy, George RR Martin, is one of the stars

at the Edinburgh Book Festival. He created a Game Of Thrones.

Have you heard of it? I've heard of it. I've just never seen it.

I know, terrible, isn't it?

So, Celia has arranged for me to meet some of her friends.

THEY SING GAME OF THRONES THEME A CAPPELLA

# Game of Thrones! Game of Thrones! #

Game of Thrones is this medieval fantasy world.

- Lots of sex? - Lots of sex.

Violence. Incest, beards.

All the family-friendly stuff.

- Incest and beards. - Is it based in Aberdeen?

I think maybe you could probably experience the best through dance.

There's a musical, if you wanted to audition for Khaleesi, maybe?

We'll just see how you go in the audition.

I think you're going to be pretty beautiful.

It is a female part though, is it?

It is, it is. So we're just going to...

This is usually a skirt on Vince, but as he's quite a slight,

feminine man, but for you were just going to make it a cloak.

How's that?

Do you feel maybe like you might be the Mother Of Dragons?

I feel weirdly comfortable, to be quite honest with you.

- You look really beautiful. - Thank you.

The Mother Of Dragons, is that my part?

- The Mother Of Dragons. - I'd love to get a script through...

Liberator Of Slaves. You're so hot, dragon fire can't even burn you.

You can try, Michelle, OK?

I feel like I'm getting into this.

You're going to give me, "Where are my dragons?" OK?

And your motivation, you're searching, yeah? You can sing it.

- # Where are my dragons? - # Where are my dragons? #

- That's so good. - Thank you.

I am your dragon, so... Impro.

# Where are my dragons? #

We're going to go again. I need you to search more, yeah?

- # Where are the dragons? # - # Where are the dragons? #

# Hey, Khaleesi, where are your dragons?

# Where are the dragons, Khaleesi? #

No, I'm asking you, and you've got to respond as Khaleesi.

Ah, sorry.

Keep it going, I'm in this.

I'm still in it.

Stare into the middle distance. And ask where your dragons are.

Where are my dragons?

- Yes. - Yes.

- That was it. - Yes.

That was it. He's got it.

Erm...

I'm going to absolutely level with you here -

I'm not entirely sure even know what Game of Thrones is all about.

I think I'll have quite a few questions for George RR Martin.

I'm sure his stuff is great. Um...

I'm sure it is. Sure it is.

All you can do is write the best stories you can

and then put it in the hands of posterity.

The fact that people are arguing about my books

is a sign that I take very well, you know?

Because a writer's real enemy is obscurity.

I mean... And I've been there.

I've had a long career, like, 20 years before Ice and Fire.

I gave book signings when no-one came.

You guys are all going to be queueing up

to get my signature here after this,

but I remember sitting in malls behind a giant stack of my books

and two people came in in an hour and, you know, asked me

where the cookbooks were.

LAUGHTER

We're in a place called Summerhall which is a very avant-garde,

experimental theatre space in the centre of Edinburgh,

which I used to walk past, actually, on my way to school.

- It's not always about you. - I know it's not about me!

I think what's actually happened is we're slightly early.

- We are early. - Which is unlike us.

And they're currently transforming this into a theatre space.

This is called the "get in".

Get in! I've learned that from being here.

Is that what it's called? Get in.

It's going to be at 3.40 every day, it's the Hibrow Hour,

and they will be live streaming

a theatre performance from this very room.

How many crew do you have for the 45 minute turnaround?

It's about 12.

- 12, wow. - You can count them now,

- but everybody else pitches in. - Find somewhere else to stand.

See what I mean? This is as live as you can get.

We need to get out of here, we'll have a look around,

- speak to you in a bit. Go! - We got told off, I feel bad.

MEN SINGING

The man who killed himself.

Allow the light and sound to convey you to the city of Kampala.

The city built on hills and, blah blah blah, whatever he said.

The grasshopper making the grasshopper sound - chik-a-chik! -

as the sun begins to set over the city.

BUZZER

'18 years ago, a dispute arose in a wealthy man's home.

'Who was the first to be unfaithful in love? Men or women?'

We're on the Royal Mile in Edinburgh.

If you've been to Edinburgh during the Festival in August,

this is a very familiar scene.

This is where people are trying to sell their shows to you with flyers,

you'll see some performance.

It's really the hub of activity in Edinburgh in August for people

trying to sell themselves.

And I'm quite interested in some cabaret,

so we're going to try and speak to some people,

find out about their shows, and hopefully, I'm going to find

some wonderful cabaret for us to see.

That was my cabaret. Hopefully we'll find something better than that.

Come on, let's do this.

BANJO PLAYS

2-for-1 today if you say, "Show me your knickers," at the box office.

- Show me your knickers? - Yeah.

- We do mine. - Mime, yeah.

Lots of people think mime is... It's funny...

It's not funny.

# Cos all I've waited for is you

# If this ends now what will I do? #

- Can I get a photo with you, please? - Yeah, of course.

Thanks very much.

I see you've got the army gear on and everything.

Thank you.

Don't look too excited. Hey! Hey!

I do pay all of these people. It's really good PR.

Just imagine Justin Bieber in a toga, that's the idea.

- Wow! - Guaranteed Nudity,

it's a topical comedy sketch show.

- That's the name of it? - That's the name of the show.

- It's free and guaranteed nudity. - What more could you ask for?

Jokes?

There is just an awful lot of shows.

Loads of shows, loads of people, loads of flyers.

It's very difficult to choose which one's going to be a hit,

which one's going to be a miss. I don't know.

So, I could kind of do with someone choosing a show for me.

Let's face it, Edinburgh is completely bonkers,

and tonight we thought it was time to rein it all in.

# Mr Whatchacallim what you doin' tonight?

# Hope you're in the mood because I'm feeling just right

# How's about a corner with the table for two?

# Where the music's mellow In some gay rendezvous

# There's no chance romancing with a blue attitude

# You've got to do some dancing to get in the mood... #

THEME MUSIC

APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Edinburgh Later with the most excitable theme music

you are likely to hear. We're all awake now, I think.

The grown-ups have gone to bed, and so the real festival fun can begin.

Don't think I've ever been so tired.

I feel like I could actually say, "I've seen some things."

I didn't think you could see that many things in...

Has it been a day? Or five weeks?

I don't think it's comparable to 'Nam.

THEY LAUGH

APPLAUSE

PHONE RINGS

Private number?

HE SIGHS

- It's probably Domino's. - I think it's probably debt-related.

PHONE PINGS

Message. Are you going to listen to it?

'Greg, hi. It's Sue Perkins here.

'Loving...loving your work.

'I wondered if you wanted to be on the programme?

'Why don't you and Celia swing by the studio, 10.30 tonight?

'Call me. Love you. Call me!'

Erm...

We've just been invited on to Sue's show.

- I'm not joking. - What?

- We...we would have to leave now. - When?

- To go on the show? - We need to go down right now.

To be on the show.

I'm actually really tired.

It would be the most amazing opportunity ever,

but if I have to put my shoes back on right now, I think I'm going to cry.

I'm just back in the house.

- You know what I mean? - I know.

We could have not heard that.

We'll just watch it. It's like being there, isn't it?

It's like being there.

It's a really good show. Thanks, Sue.

Thank you so much for having me. Have a great night.

APPLAUSE