The Man Who Almost Killed Himself BBC at the Edinburgh Festivals

It is a city built on hills.

And once you are leaving,

you can see that these hills have shaped the feeling of this place.

The sun rises and sets behind them

at the same hour every day.

And every day is summer here.

And once your sun is setting,

you can see that your life was also built on hills.

Your eyes faced up to plan your path,

and down to trace the route you took.

You see,

there was no hot without cold -

no dry without the rain.

And from the landscape of this place,

you take great comfort in all its, er, softness,

and, er, roughness and harshness and...

light.

At the bottom of the hill is a man who decides he will climb no longer,

a man who decides he no longer has a place in this world.

As the heat rises one morning,

he waits until his sons and daughters have left the family home.

And he plans to hang himself.

Er, do any of you people know how to tie a knot?

A noose.

Anyone?

Do you know? Anyone? No?

SINGING IN LUGANDA LANGUAGE

ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

I think you have heard enough of this rubbishness, eh?

HE SPEAKS IN LUGANDA What are you doing up there?

I was, er, attempting to clean the cobwebs here.

Ah! It does not look like you are cleaning cobwebs.

Please...

Please, sit down, I will take it from here.

I am feeling I no longer have a place in this world.

Ah, this motherfucker is so boring, eh?

I'm telling you, it's not the true side of Africa.

People dancing, full of joy together in this beautiful Garden of Eden.

HE SPEAKS IN LUGANDA

- This is your craft. - Er, yes!

- Uganda, eh? - Please...

Some of these are very strange, eh?

The one with the dancing people is nice,

but the other ones, you should throw them away.

I will consider your advice.

You should take it from me, as I am a god and above all others.

Oh, she's a god(!)

I am Toki, the African goddess.

5,000 years of age -

and still I'm looking good for it, eh?

Toki?

Uh-huh. Like ticky-tocky, eh? The clock is ticking.

- Hmm? - Please, leave me alone.

You think these people wish to hear your pretty poems?

- This is not a pretty poem! - Then what do you think it is?

This is a man who's feeling... a great sadness.

Ah! What sadness?

A feeling that he no longer has a place in this world.

I am an African god, and I can tell you that you DO have a place!

As does every everybody.

So stop all this pouring-pouring sand, being miserable,

and go home and eat some porridge or something, eh?

I think you're a drunk young lady, much less an African god.

Ah!

Could a drunk young lady tell you that your mother's name was, mmm...

Rosemary, hm?

Or the nickname she called you - mmm...

Mosi, hm?

You see, I've got his attention now, eh?

Or could a drunk young lady raise one of these people to their feet

and get them to sing a Luganda song from your country?

And what do you know about my country?

Everything there is to know, I know.

Now, which one of these pretty people will I choose?

Hello, pretty lady! Are you OK?

Oh, nice to see you, eh?

Hello, my friend, you OK? You are Scottish, eh? OK!

Yimba!

HE SINGS IN LUGANDA

Hey, yes!

Good, so brilliant and wonderful, eh?

What's happening here?

Wow.

Wow, that was amazing.

That was... That was!

The African tongue, it feels nice inside your mouth, eh?

Because I'm feeling I no longer have a place in this world,

I must end myself.

What shameful road are you walking?

The road is at an end.

What African brother dishonours the gods in such a way?

You don't have a hold over me.

Shall I remind you now of a man who ends himself, hm?

And the consequences of this despicable act?

I find this fascinating...

Eh!

Yimba!

THEY SING IN LUGANDA

Yimba!

THEY SING LOUDER

Yimba, yimba!

Yimba!

"The man who killed himself."

Allow the light and sound to convey you to the city of Kampala,

the city built on hills and blah, blah, blah, whatever he said.

The grasshopper making the grasshopper sound, "Chika-chik,"

as the sun begins to set over the city.

From the time that I was very young,

and at the beginning of life's long journey,

I realised that what sustains and nurtures me and my brothers

and father and friends and everyone we know is our community.

What are you doing?

Here, every someone knows everyone here,

and every everyone is a part of the same someone.

Agnes!

Now we will meet your daughter Agnes, hm?

It is important to keep her in your thoughts

at this time of great sadness.

You are nothing like my daughter.

And you are nothing like you.

Taata.

Agnes!

There was a someone in this town of ours

who found he was scared to live.

Life can be hard -

when you work too hard, when you are bitten by a tsetse fly.

When you are slim.

But here we are in the Garden of Eden.

Who would want to leave this place?

THEY SING IN LUGANDA

- Agnes! - Taata.

What those people are doing in Eleanor's house?

Huh?

Which people?

MAN SPEAKS IN LUGANDA

Something wrong?

THEY SPEAK IN LUGANDA

Yes.

It's best to let the children know

than listen to fairy stories.

I will tell my daughter now.

Er, Agnes...

The father of Eleanor was cut from strange wood.

He was a weak man.

HE SPEAKS IN LUGANDA

Er, he lived always apart, and now he stays apart.

HE SPITS

Apart from Eleanor and her brothers and sisters,

and from you and from me and from everybody.

Taata, he was lazy.

Lazy?

Why?

Because he was sleeping in the air.

Sleeping in the air?

He was not sleeping.

This morning, while I was fetching water, I passed Eleanor,

and she told me her father was sleeping in the kitchen in the air,

with a necktie around him and swinging in his sleep.

When she told him to wake, he did not wake, and stayed sleeping there.

She said she thought he was playing a joke.

No joke.

And because of this, he will not sleep.

He will roam like a wild dog.

I will tell her.

He will never meet the ancestors.

I think he's a good man. I think he's lazy.

I think Eleanor loves her father very much.

If your father did the same, you would curse him.

My father is not lazy.

HE SPEAKS IN LUGANDA

For what he has done, he will pay a long price.

Because what has he done?

He has left us and gone his own way.

My brother, bring her to the house and we will show her the way of it.

- No. - His own way where?

He has gone to...a silent land.

Come to the house.

I want to come to the house.

He life was squeezed away by his own hand.

That is why he's hanging there -

not sleeping, and not waking.

For ever. Do you understand?

Uh-huh.

Only the gods can grant us life, and so who are we to take it?

The ancestors are angry at this.

Put the young ones to bed, and bring her to the house to watch.

Hm?

I want to see.

DRUMMING

THEY SPEAK IN LUGANDA

Eleanor,

see your dad?

HE SPEAKS IN LUGANDA

THEY CHANT IN LUGANDA

MAN SHOUTS

Shh.

ALL CHANT

HE WHISTLES

Taata, I did not know Sylvester was a bad man.

Go to Eleanor.

THEY SING IN LUGANDA

Do you know what happened to this Eleanor

after her father ends himself, hm?

She is sent with her brother and two sisters to live with their uncle,

who lives with dirty hair and dirty clothes,

and smells always of gin.

They live in a dark and lonely house beside the riverbed,

where even the river has run dry.

And the very air surrounding them is rancid with the stench of death.

I believe she lives quite well,

and she goes to school, and she does well there.

Er, no, no.

She does well nowhere.

I believe there was a darkness in this man,

and there was a reason for the darkness in this man.

KALIMBA PLAYS

"The man who received some news."

Strictly speaking,

it is a syndrome rather than a disease.

The future will be characterised by cycles.

Downwards, and then up.

Darkness, and then light.

Weakness, and then strength.

It is a future built on hills.

KALIMBA PLAYS

Thank you, Doctor.

# Ooooh-ooo-oooh

# Yeah-ee-yeah, ee-yeah, yeah

# Can't hear the forgotten

# For all the days that are gone-ee

# Can't feel the long-ee no pain

# When your ones cannot carry on

# The forgotten people, oh, whoa-oh

# The forgotten people, oh, whoa-oh

# Oooh, oh-oh-oh

# Never come home-home

# On a dusty road-ee

# With a heavy load-ee

# Counting down the days-ee

# Since the people betrayed-ee

# Child, a child cries

# "I want to go home"

# No mummy, no daddy

# Lie still by the side of the road

# The forgotten people, oh, whoa-oh

# The forgotten people, oh, whoa-oh

# Ooh, oh-oh-oh

# Never come home-home. #

MAN WHISTLES

Hello, my friend.

How are you, eh?

Good.

Mango, eh?

You know, the core of a mango is like the head of a family, no?

I love mango, man.

Sad again, eh? I will tell you a joke.

What?

OK.

Knock-knock.

Knock-knock! SHE KNOCKS

Who is there?

Nobody.

Nobody?

Nobody who?

Just nobody! There's nobody there, they cannot answer.

It's a good one, eh?

You like that one, eh? I like that joke.

Let me see this knife, hm?

Knives are kind of boring,

I don't know why you're carrying around this one.

Hey, my brothers, how are you?

CHEERING AND SHOUTING

Good to see you again!

THEY LAUGH AND TALK IN LUGANDA

How are you, Danny?

How are you?

THEY CONTINUE IN LUGANDA

Thank you.

THEY CONTINUE IN LUGANDA

Oh, somebody!

That I know.

# I don't know!

# Too much trouble!

# I know who you are

# I know who you ah-are

# I've waited for you, Daniel, oh

# I know who you are... #

Can you help me to tie this noose?

Sir, can you help me?! Do you know how to tie a noose?

SHOUTS OVER SINGING: Do you know how to tie a noose?!

Can someone help me?!

MUSIC STARTS

Welcome to the party, eh?

Let's get this cracking now!

Hey, there's our friend Ashamala, with the blue jersey!

Hello! Are you OK?

OK. Daniel, say hello.

Don't be so antisocial.

Daniel says hello! OK.

Yes, thank you.

Oh, there's your husband, OK, hello, yes.

Your beard is growing fast!

What are you taking, eh? You are taking something!

Daniel says hi. He says hi.

Come on! Come on!

THEY CHEER

THEY GROAN

Oh, no, another Ugandan power cut.

This is the second one today.

Oh, the life of an African is very hard.

Give us a moment to adjust, find the candles and, um...

you know, find a way, you know?

It's quite a long scene transition, so...

But we do what we can, you know?

Oh, my goodness, the life, the life is hard.

Can you find the candles?!

Daniel!

OK.

One second, OK.

I don't know if it's dried-up mud

or puddles splashing from the buses and cars.

Yesterday all over his shirt and today all over his shoes, too.

Taata, why smiling?

She is doing well, this older sister.

Cares for her troublesome siblings.

That is true, but they do not care for me.

They care only about mess and making more mess.

Leave them now, I'll clean them later.

Leave them!

Why are you not at the market?

Come here to me.

See, I have bought some wax and some canvas here.

Christopher I bargained with very well, as you can see,

and he gave me double what he normally gives,

which is good, I think, because it means that now

I can have double the time, double the work.

Why suddenly now double everything?

Because now I will stay here and work...

and maybe you will go to the market.

You wish me to sell your batiks for you?

You wish to craft?

No.

Well then, I will craft and you will sell.

Taata, why not crafting in the morning and selling in the afternoon?

And you?

I will go to school.

But I thought you were the big good sister and the daughter of the house?

Taata, I am, but I want to go to school.

Agnes...

Taata, you should craft in the morning and sell in the afternoon.

Agnes...

Now I will rest in the morning and craft in the afternoon.

Rest?

We knew, I think, that these times may come.

And now they have come.

Taata, I will sell for you.

MUSIC STRIKES UP

# Bambye-yeah

# Oh-oh-oh

# Oh-o-oh

SONG IN LUGANDA

HE MOUTHS

# He works and works every day Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah

# He paints and paints every day Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah

# His work is hard in every way Yeah

# He needs a rest

# He needs a rest

# He needs a rest

# He needs a rest... #

MUSIC ENDS

Sit down immediately - and don't move until I tell you to move!

You heartless Muzungu, you...

You hear someone say, "Oh, I want to end myself," and you say,

"OK, mate - yeah. I'll help you, mate."

You will die in hell!

TRUMPET BLAST

SHORT FANFARE

Out of the way. TRUMPET BLASTS

Fine, fine, fine.

SHOUTING

TRIES "IGNITION"

TRIES AGAIN

"VEHICLE WHINES"

TRIES THIRD TIME

- Let's get pushing! - Push, push, push...

Let's get pushing!

# Push, push, let's get pushing

# Push, push, push

- # Daniel, push! - Push, push, push

# Chris, push, push, push

# Let's get pushing, push, push, push

# Push, push, push

- # We take a bus - We take a bus

- # We take a bus - We take a bus

- # We take a bus - We take a bus

- # We take a bus - We take a bus

- # We take a bus - We take a bus

- # We take a bus - We take a bus

- # We take a bus - We take a bus

ALL: # Hmmm... #

THEY HUM TUNE QUIETLY

We are going downtown. Then you are going here.

SHE SPEAKS IN LUGANDA

What are you doing there?

Anthro-what?

An-thro-pology?

I don't know this word, man.

So you want to buy one, eh?

Traditional Ugandan art.

We call this batik.

Made by the hand of a local artist.

Good, hey?

This one is actually made by my father.

He crafts and he sells, but not today.

He's a sick man.

No, it's not a self-portrait.

So, you want to buy it? 20,000 shillings, my friend.

Do you know who is Bill Clinton, hm?

My father met Bill Clinton once.

He came to the marketplace.

I didn't even know who is Bill Clinton.

He's an American.

But he did not buy anything.

So, 20,000, my friend.

SHE SHOUTS

SINGING RESUMES

SINGING FADES OUT

Yes, I sell at the cultural village market.

Are you an Evangelist?

Are you a pharmaceutical businessman?

Good, because my father would not like you if you are these things!

- Taata. - Agnes.

- Taata, I sold only one today. - Ah.

Taata, Edwin was shouting he wants some more bread,

but I spent so much money on your medication.

You have some more money tomorrow.

- How? - You will make some.

You are so far inside your head.

In your craft, people can see this

and they do not want to see these thoughts.

- Who bought the batik today? - A foreigner bought it.

Only a foreigner wants to buy.

Taata, what are you doing?

These are not the thoughts we are meant to think.

And what am I doing?

Living life when I know that soon,

I will die.

Maintaining a strength and purpose for the benefit of my children

and community.

In this moment, I hate everyone.

I have no money.

No food. No work.

HE PANTS

Can you help me, sir? Please?

Can you come here? Please?

Come up here, please.

Can you... When I climb up, can you just push me up?

Push!

Push!

Push!

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

What African brother gives up on life so easily, eh?

You want to buy one, eh?

Traditional Ugandan art.

We call this batik.

It's a little different from the normal touristy things, you know?

But it's beautiful, eh?

20,000. 20,000 shillings - you want to buy?

Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Oh!

25,000?

Because it is so beautiful? Yes!

It's a very renowned artist. OK, so 25 shillings. Thank you.

I mean thousand hundred million! Ha-ha! Thank you, my friend! OK.

Let me just put this in a bag for you...

SINGING IN LUGANDA

Taata, I stayed at the market until even the cleaners came.

Mr Otolla had to come and move me away.

I went then to the bus park to try and sell to some travellers there.

Then by the food market, I bumped into the same foreigner again

and he bought another batik!

He says he wishes to meet you at the Sheraton hotel.

OPENING BARS OF "You Only Live Twice" by Nancy Sinatra

# You only live twice

# Or so it seems

# One life for yourself

# And one for your dreams

# You drift through the years

# And life seems tame

# Till one dream appears

# And love is its name... #

The Sheraton hotel!

# And love is a stranger... #

Do you know where the Sheraton hotel...?

Sheraton?

# Don't think of the danger

# For the stranger is come

# This dream is for you

# So pay the price

# Make one dream come true

# You only live twice. #

You work for a company?

For the University?

Ah.

Freelance.

A free spirit!

I must say, I envy you.

Not all of us can be free spirits!

Yes.

Mm, I must thank you for buying my batik.

People are not buying so much these days.

My daughter. She must go out into the world and sell when I am not able.

And because of this...

she cannot go to school.

What are you talking to this man for, eh?

If you would like more batiks,

I can make many more for you.

If that is what you like, I can make many more.

I have a neighbour at the market who mixes watercolours on batiks.

There's a woman in my suburb who paints the details of her life

with only sand.

I can incorporate this into my work if you wish.

I must tell you that, er...

..even a small purchase, for you,

would provide for my family and I for a long period.

So we would be helping each other!

Of course. Come!

Come tomorrow.

Come and see my craft.

- You can sit here. - Please.

You can have some dinner with us.

I am feeling very weak, so I will not eat,

but I will craft.

Taata, show him the gas and everything.

He would love to see how everything works.

Yes, it is a simple process of, er...

heat on wax.

Er... It's very, very...

simple.

We just heat the wax like this.

And we have a solution here

that I always premix for some days

when I am not able to work.

A bit of colour - you can tell here I am working on a tree.

I will just find some brushes and a little bit of colour.

Agnes always likes this process very much.

It is a simple process,

but, er... it has its secrets!

I think he looks like...

James Bond.

No, not James Bond - Leonardo!

Leonardo da Vinci.

You have a taste for art?

No, not da Vinci. DiCaprio.

I think you look like Leonardo DiCaprio!

Maybe he is an actor.

- He's an anthropologist. - Ahhh!

You are not an actor?

You tell only the truth!

He does not speak so much.

- No, he does not. - He's a doctor.

But not of medicine.

I hope you like this chicken and sweet potato we made for you,

- Dr Nielsen. - He has paid for it, Agnes.

Taata, I paid for it.

It was his money for the batiks.

I hope you like the way my father makes his craft.

If you are staying here for seven months, you can come to me

every day and buy a new one.

This style that we call batik

originally comes from the East.

- From Kenya. - From Java.

So perhaps this African tradition is not so authentic after all!

Taata, I think he likes only your ones.

You like only my father's ones, Mr Anthropologist, eh?

What do you mean?

Taata, what does he mean, he's not interested in art?

Uh...

- Go to your brothers, now. - But I want to stay with you.

Go now.

What are you doing here?

I've heard of these free spirits

who come here looking for something.

We must be honest, and not too kind, I think, when we talk to one another.

If I am to tell you that yes,

I have this disease -

which we call flim -

which is called HIV...

..then you must tell me what you'd like to talk to me about.

And why.

And who is paying you.

And how much you're going to pay to me.

MAN ON RECORDING: So, I'm standing right now at Broadway and 12th

and this is where sometimes, yeah, I would often stop here

to cross the street on the way back from Mia's place.

Cos I was seeing Mia at the time and working at Denny's.

This was about the time I received my diagnosis.

Looking up at these iron fire escapes reminds me of it...

I was... It was about my body, kind of about my immune system

and wondering if I was going to turn out as strong as all that,

all that ironwork.

And I knew the answer was probably no.

And the fire escapes remind me of...

..actually of an old friend's... school friend's apartment,

thinking about him and about the past

and about, "should I tell my mom",

and how should I tell her and when?

RECORDING STOPS

You have come to tell stories.

I must tell you, in this country there are some stories

we cannot tell.

WOMAN ON RECORDING: I was feeling like a ghost.

The truth is, I'm flesh and blood,

but where I'm standing now,

I suppose I feel like a ghost,

because this is the road,

it's the place where I stood

on the morning after I received my diagnosis.

And this was the time when I knew,

when it became clear to me

I was living in a world where every day,

I would be facing death

and it would be coming ever closer to me.

And I left the building which at the time they were using for a centre

where you went to receive this news

and I stood on the street corner here.

I was feeling far away from my thoughts.

They were passing like clouds in the sky.

I could see them, I was feeling far away from my everything.

RECORDING STOPS

PERCUSSION STARTS

"The man who almost killed himself."

I am worried I no longer have a place in this world.

Every night, I wake...

..and I walk from the bedroom to the sitting room

and I think...

I tried to hang myself in the children's absence.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

SINGING IN LUGANDA

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

MUSIC STOPS

We're in this room, which is where I tried to...

..tried to hang myself with the neckties

and they broke with the wires...

this electricity wire.

They got broken - then I gave up,

even fearing that in the process, the children

might find me and be very disappointed

so I had to give up the idea.

I bought some tablets and I go to a nearby bush,

but I worry that people are walking past and I worry

that someone will find me or disturb me.

I worry that someone will take me to the police before I am dead.

MUSIC STARTS

HE SPITS THEM OUT

You do not judge these thoughts that I'm telling you?

These thoughts that I have to leave my children fatherless?

I tell you my truth and you nod your head and you say nothing.

Must I choose between God and silence?

How many have done this?

How many have had these thoughts?

WOMAN: You are on your own.

Another time, I go and see someone who works at the Crested Towers

and I think I should climb to the top of the Crested Towers and drop.

I stand at the top of the roof

and I look over the city.

CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

And I look down to the ground, I see too many people

and then I started to smile and then I feel a little bit foolish...

And then a happy kind of sadness comes.

And I keep on smiling.

I walk from the towers out into the city

and I think people are really going to stare, but I don't care.

I am in a world of my own.

I come to think that dropping is not the way to do it.

I come to a nearby shop and I buy some petrol to burn.

- Good evening, my brother. - Ah, good evening.

Such a warm and beautiful sunset in this land which is always summer, eh?

Can I have some petrol, please? And some chewing gum, my brother, please.

- You're going somewhere? - Maybe.

Why do you want to drive somewhere?

We're happy here together and we should stay here for ever.

- Five litres of petrol is enough? - Enough for what?

Enough to start a fire.

My brother, first it's car, then it's fire...

I think you need to make your mind up, eh?

I think you should stay here with me and drink some Guinness.

- No. - Why not?

It would take away the taste of the chewing gum in my mouth.

I think you do not have the money.

Here. 5,000 shillings...

And keep the change, huh?

SHE WHISTLES

Er... My brother, you are looking very tense, eh?

What's going on?

You know, I hurt this foot yesterday, playing football, I hurt this foot.

It is a shame, eh? Because we are in such a beautiful land

and everything is so wonderful, you know...

Hey!

The chewing gum begins to lose its sweetness in my mouth.

I pour the petrol over me.

You wish me to sell your batiks for you?

- You wish to craft? - No.

Well then, I will craft and you will sell.

- I want to go to school. - Agnes!

I have to do so many things already, and now this!

Because you are the daughter of the house!

Don't pretend it is what I want.

Speaking this way, you will make me beat you.

If you cared, you would not be the way you are.

Because I care I am trying to find the right way for us.

If you cared, you would not be slim.

Because you are weak inside your head and God sees this and punishes you.

Because you are weak, you are slim now and because of this,

I hate you so much!

I have with me three matches.

HE SIGHS ON RECORDING

So when I reached here,

I stepped in the water on the side of the road

and then pour...

..the whole...

..the whole jerry can, which holds five litres, over me.

Then I struck a match,

but the fire refused to come.

And then I realised that it was diesel and not petrol

and it would not light!

HE LAUGHS

Agnes...

Why are you screaming?

Why are you shouting?

I am coming! I am coming!

Agnes!

- Taata? - I will craft and sell.

You will go to school.

Taata, why so wet and dirty?

I was helping a man to push a car.

Push a car?

It was a man from Kireka.

Taata, I think you are tired, eh?

I helped him push it all the way to Ginger Road

and he was able to start.

He drove away.

Taata, come here to me.

Agnes...

I will craft,

and YOU...will go to school.

GENTLE MUSIC

SINGING IN LUGANDA

Taata?

Taata, please.

SHE SINGS MOURNFULLY

THEY JOIN IN

Whoo!

SHE SOBS

SINGING BECOMES QUIETER

Dr Nielsen.

How are you?

My father's funeral was seven months ago on this day.

It is a shame you could not be here for it, as...

there are many traditional things and aspects I think you would have liked.

I am happy that you wish to send me money for my education.

My father would have loved to see me educated

and I will study hard for him and my brothers.

Dr Nielsen, when I saw your name on the message, a strange feeling came.

To you, I think my father was an interesting man.

To him, I think he thought you were a type of god.

In the house last week,

I was looking through some of my father's possessions.

Amongst them, I found some photographs.

These photographs I think I was never meant to find

because they were from the work you did together.

My father never shared these thoughts with me.

You are happy that my father's story gives people hope, you say?

You say it is a story of dark becoming light,

of sadness and forgiveness.

But it gives me no hope and only fear.

I know now that my father tried to end himself.

And for this, I believe he will be wandering now in a silent land.

You say through his story, he has an afterlife.

It is not the afterlife he would have wanted.

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