Forget the Oscars, Here are the Kermodes The Culture Show

This programme contains some strong language.

I'm getting ready for my annual film awards and it's time to check out

the competition. Every year, I give the Kermodes

Awards to films overlooked by the Oscars. They very often overlook the

best films. Look at what I have chosen - none of them were nominated

for Best Picture. The more they get it wrong, the easier it is for the

Kermodes to get it right. This year's the Best Picture list is good

- including Gravity, Bitter Sweet Nebraska. The nail-biting of Captain

Phillips and 12 yeer s 12 Years A Slave.

In a shocking break, the Academy seem to have got it right!

Perhaps it's time for this little fella to call it quits!

No, you are not getting rid of me that easily. Although the Oscar

nominations look good at first glance, look closer and there are

enough glaring oversights to guarantee a star-studded line-up for

the Kermodes Awards. Before we get down to business, let's recap on the

rules, you cannot win one of these in a category you have been

nominated for an Oscar. We don't even pretend to be impartial. I am

the only judge and my decision is final! So, without further ado,

let's get on with the first award for Best Actor.

Shamefully overlooked by the Academy is Tony Savilo. From the Great

Beauty. From Italian flamboyance to home

grown poetry - and a nod for George McKay. He played the sole survivor

in the Scottish drama, For Those In Peril. The Kermode award for Best

Actor goes to someone whose absence from the Oscars came as a shock. A

two-time Academy Award winner who turns in the performance of a

lifetime, in Captain Phillips. My award for Best Actor goes to Tom

Hanks. Four pirates, down the main deck.

Lock down the bridge! In this gruelling thriller Hanks plays the

skipper of an American cargo ship which comes unattack from Somali --

-- un-- under attack from Somali pirates. An ordinary man in

extraordinary circumstances. Stick together!

We'll be all right. Well, that is quite a likeness. That

is the Kermode Award. It is quite a delight. The play of Captain

Phillips was very unique. It is one thing to be able to have something

to take your own feelings, it is something else to take those

feelings and channel them through the real events and in some cases

the official record of those events N that regard Captain Phillips was a

once in a lifetime opportunity. It has resulted in a Kermode award, for

which I am very proud. This is the scariest-looking award I have ever

seen. I will not show it to my grand kids because it might make them cry!

So, on to Best Actress. Now over at the Oscars it is predictable, with

streep streep streep celebrating her -- merry Streep of getting an award.

Dame Judi den dench and my own Best Actress list would have knocked for

the stars of the love story Blue Is The Warmest Colour.

As for Oprah Winfrey, where was her supporting actress nomination for

her dynamite turn the The Butler. Sorry, Mr Butler, I didn't... . She

totally steals the show. Everything you are and everything you have - it

is because of The Butler. The unforgiveable omission this year is

an is for an actress who I have the highest regard and who was in Saving

Mr Banks, in which her portrayal of PR Travis was perfect in every way -

Emma Thompson. As the auor trying to protect her

famous nanny character from Disneyfiation, Thompson is sniping,

but never overly so. Her comic timing is impeccable.

# How does that sound #

No - responsiball is not a word. We made it up. Well, unmake it up!

It's a Mark. I had no idea. It 's hysterical I will go between the

other two little men on my system. I am so thrilled you like liked Pamela

Travers. I adored playing her. When do you get a role play playing

something like that? 54 and not many of those come along the roads. Kelly

Marcel wrote it. An extraordinary writer. It is great to play someone

who is unpleasant to everyone all the time, having been of well

brought up - I am as you know, sort of sigh cotically nice to people,

which actually conceals a deep desire to be unpleasant myself. I

will take this as encouragement and try and let out my inner Pam. Much

love, Mark. I am really so thrilled! That's so funny! I'm putting it with

the Oscars now. Look! Here we are!

Hello, hello! You're more important!

Time now for the award for of Best Cinematography.

-- for Best Cinematography. It includes nods for the brilliant work

on Gravity. Roger Deakins who led the thriller Prisoners and a long

over overdue award for the film Nebraska. Where is the nomination

for the DP who shot Best Picture Winner. Did 12 Years A Slave shoot

itself? Indeed not. With its portrait portraits 12 Years A Slave

is one of the best-looking films of the year. Thanks to Steve McQueen's

long hfr term collaborator Sean Bobbitt.

He is now one of the industry's most respect respected cinematographers.

He brings a sense of location and character to this harrowingly real

story. There are a couple of moments in 12 Years A Slave where a shot is

held longer for than we would expect - how do you judge that sort of

thing and what does it do to the viewer p when you hold a shot longer

than they would expect? If there is no edit and the scene goes on, the

more you believe it's really happening. It compoundses the

emotional content of the scene in the minds of the audience.

Master... Some of those scenes for one continuous hand-held take. That

is what I live for. For me, to get that, and to get it right, it was

quite exhilarating. I think the film is terrific and an

awful lot of why people have within able to accept the story is the way

you have shot it. Here is your handsome Kermode award for Best

Cinematography. Thank you very much. It is all I've

ever wanted, really. I mean to be finally recognised by your good

self! And so, to my next gong and an award

which is particularly close to my heart - that of hair and make-up.

Now, honestly, I am less interested in the make-up, for me it is all

about the hair. This year has been particularly hairy! Who can forget

this Milo from Tweanies hair in this film or Stephen Fry. There's one

film everyone has been talking about when it comes to hair, a film which

failed to make the Oscar nominations lists. It is a film in which every

character is defined by their retro hair. Men put in the curlers and the

comb-over is king. I am talking, of course, about American Hustle.

I want to say... Fantastic! So heavy! This movie, it was huge.

Every day was huge. Hours of preparations. Each person from one

to 99 on the call-sheet had a different look. We would have to

test these people with three or four different wigs, three or four

different colours. Yes, you think out of the box. That is how we come

up with these crazy ideas. They are crazy, great characters. It was

exciting to work on! Still to come - the 2014 Kermodes

Awards for Best Director, best film and Best Foreign Language Film. It

is time to acknowledge the craftsmanship of those most

regularly overlooked by idiot critics, but on whom the film

industry depends of depends-the writers.

Hats off to su san Bear and her co-writer.

You have to look. It is one of the things of driving. You have to look

when you are reversing the damn car. Are you drunk? I'm not drunk. Set in

an all together different age is A Field In England. Ben Wheatley's

frankly disorientating civil war film. Brilliantly written with Amy

Jump. . Do not speak to me directly again! Otherwise I will turn you

into a frog! Now, a Field in England came this

close to getting my award. It was pipped at the post by a script named

as one of Hollywood's hottest unproduced screenplays in 2011 and

produced the basis of one of my favourite films of 2013 - Saving Mr

Banks. Good morning. So discomforting to

hear a stranger use my first name. Mrs Travers, please. I do apologise.

I am the script writer. Co--script writer. I will have my say.

Oh, my God! That is brilliant! Thank you so much.

Is it real gold? How much money can I get for this?

No, seriously, thank you so much. Saving Mr Banks was such an amazing,

amazing project to write. It is so lovely to have it recognised by you,

Mark! It came from an originating idea from Sue Smith. I am sharing

this with her and it was written in a shed at the bottom of my garden,

in a very rainy London, but this will now come back to my pool in LA.

It is really gorgeous. I don't have a boyfriend - so this can be my new

thing that I sleep with! Thank you! Before we move on to the best films

of 2013 it's time to celebrate the worst. For the first time I am

handing out a special award for Turkey of the Year. What fun it's

been! There are so many rubbish films to choose from.

We got a problem. In hot contention is The Counsellor, bursting with

creative talent which raises the question how can people this good

make a movie this bad? I intend to love you until I die. My award for

the worst film of 2013 goes to a tale of body-builders and botched

kidnappings, dragged screaming from the empty void that is the soul of

director Michael Bay. Having never been a fan of his action in the past

I thought he might surprise me with this lower budget character-driven

piece. Hello, James Bond. You look so sad. I had to hurt a man today.

Wow. No, turns out this is worse than

Transformers 2. The inaugural Kermode award for Turker of the Year

goes to Pain and Gain. Congratulations, Michael. This one's

for you. From the dreadful to the sublime. My

award for Best Film in a language other than English. Beyond The Hills

by Christian Mungiu lingered long in my mind. It's a exploration of

superstition and guilt. The Japanese film Like Father Like Son won me

over with its touching portrayal of parents facing a terrible revelation

about their much-loved child. A family dilemma is also at the

heart of Fill The Void, an intelligent and moving story of a

young girl on a path to marriage set in the Israeli orthodox community.

My award goes to a brilliantly thought-provoking and utterly

engaging tale of a young girl growing up in Saudi Arabia, from

breakthrough writer director Haifa Mansour. The name of the film is

Wadjda. Bursting with charm and humour this is a story about

everyday dreams. She wants what the boys have, her own bicycle. The film

deals with very serious and important issues but it does so in a

way which is very joyous and uplifting and positive. It's not the

first draft, the first draft was very serious and bleak. But I

changed all the writing. I think it's, for me, it's very important to

tell a story about people who are Masters of their destinies. It gives

inspiration for younger women in Saudi. We are not victims. Tell me

about the challenges of making the film. You are breaking a number of

boundaries. A number of firsts. Were you able to be out there directing

on the street? Is it a usual thing to see or not? No. I was not able to

go out in the street. The country is segregated. Men and women are not

supposed to mix in the workplace. They gave me a walkie-talky and

monitor. I shouted at them basically outside. It was really difficult. We

did it. Action! How did you find your star, who is incidentally

fabulous. By luck. We saw a lot of girls and we were like word of

mouth, we cannot put an opencasting call. We try to maintain a pro

profile while shooting and didn't want to provoke the public,

especially the conservatives, we didn't want to get into trouble. So

it was like fishing. We sat in the hotel every day and who will come

in? She came in and was similar to the character I wrote.

Are women in Saudi able to see the film? Yeah. Online. They're not able

to watch it in cinemas? No. We opened in neighbouring countries

like cue bait and Dubai and a -- Kuwait and Dubai and a lot travel on

the weekend to watch films so they saw it there. The bicycle being the

symbol of freedom which works well, what is the cultural attitude

towards cycling and women? For women all outdoors activities are not

allowed and women weren't allowed to bicycle up until April 2013, which

is really good. The law changed and women can ride bicycles now. I hope

the film a little bit contributed. It's a great achievement and I am

proud to present you with the Kermode award for Best Film not in

the English language. Thank you so much it's amazing. It means a lot to

me to receive this. And now for one of the most

important awards of the evening, and in what's been an extraordinary year

for cinema, I have chosen not one, but two winners of the Kermode award

for Best Director. Neither feature on the Oscar nominations list but

both are working at the top of their game.

My first winner is the helmsman of Captain Phillips, it sets the pulse

racing as it shines a light on the inequalities of the world in which

globalisation is the future. Paul Greengrass. With his background in

news and investigative journalism he blurs the boundary between drama and

documentary. Here he uses handheld cameras and naturalistic

performances to overwhelming effect. It's a golden Kermode! Ha! Well,

thank you very much, Mark for this real honour. We shot 16 weeks on the

ocean but in a funny way it made it a realed a srep ture because you --

a real adventure, you got up every day and felt you had the wind at

your face and sun at your back or was it the other way around? It felt

like an adventure. Physically demanding, a lot of seasickness, a

lot of real vomit but we came back with a film, thank you very much.

Sharing that award for Best Director this year is another British

film-maker who has explored inequalities in society through

children. Her film The Selfish Giant combines Oscar Wilde's inspiration

story and Ken Loach. A distinctive voice in international cinema, she

is Clio Barnard. Thank you. It's a very good likeness. I like the

pointy shoes and the hair. Yeah, it's perfect. I think Mark Kermode

is better looking like Alfred Hitchcock. The film is set in

northern England and follows two young boys who turn to the scrap

metal trade to support their struggling families. Both leads are

first-time actors, brilliantly directed by Barnard. Listen, this is

a proper grafter... It's a great honour and a film like The Selfish

Giant really needs critical acclaim and reviews in order to get people's

attention, so thank you. Now it's the moment we have all been

waiting for, the King of the Kermodes, the award for Best Film.

One overlooked gem I would have on my list is The Kings of Summer, a

coming of age tale I predict will become a future classic. From the

gently joyous, to the truly harrowing. A documentary exploring a

legacy of murder in Indonesia in which death squad commanders reenact

their real-life crimes for the cameras with life-changing results.

Up for Best Documentary at the Oscars, I think The Act of Killing

deserves to be in competition for the top prize of Best Picture.

It's a film which the academy voters have probably not heard of which is

my personal favourite. It may not have set the box office alight but

this tale of a young soul rebel forging a path in 70s Belfast set a

flame in my heart. It's a truly great pop movie made for love, not

money, by people whose passion is evident in every frame. Ladies and

gentlemen, I give you the winner of the Kermode award for Best Film,

Good Vibrations. Blending just the right amount of

fact and fantasy, it tells the story of Belfast's Godfather of punk,

Terry Hhooley as a launches a record shop providing a springboard for

young bands like The Outcasts and The Undertones. Wow! That is truly a

thing of beauty. This was a script that had humour and passion and

there was obviously terrible things that were happening in Belfast at

that time, despite all that there was still this passion for music and

an amazing scene that came up through all that. Where are we? On

the road to Damascus! It was very important for us when talking about

the world of Terry and the bands that it was the foreground of the

story. This guy ended up in Wings. These guy guys... We also had to

tell the story of the Troubles but didn't want to become the subject of

the film. The archive became this relentless backdrop, this dark world

that would at times obtrude on the fun and good times of the bands and

the good vibrations scene. You are laughing now but I swear sooner or

later I am going to get you. I remember getting the phone call by

Glenn saying come to the house, I think we have something great.

Instantly we seen it as a film. It was a dream in many ways, but

also kind of, you know, a struggle. We had very limited budget, not just

to make the film but a music budget so we had to beg and plead for

people to give us their music. In the end, everyone came through and

really supported the film and we are forever grateful for that.

We are really honoured, thankings, Mark. -- thanks, Mark. There we are

nine handsome Kermodes and one ugly Turkey later. Should that be the

other way around? We are done for another year. There's still time for

a quick Oscar spoiler. To stop you having to stay up all night on March

2 here are those Oscar winners in full.

My predictions are: Best Picture 12 Years A Slave, Best

Director for gravity. Best Actor Matt yu Mc Canaghey and Best Actress

Kate blanchet. Now there is really no reason to watch the Oscars. The

Kermodes have got it all covered. Good night.