Alive: Rankin Faces Death The Culture Show

ALIVE: RANKIN FACES DEATH FKA B245L/01 HSG7291

.

Just lean forward a little bit like that, that's good.

That's fab, hon.

'Seven years ago, my parents died,

'really quickly, within three weeks of each other.

'It struck me, as I was sifting through all their old photographs,

'remembering my mum and dad,

'that my whole idea of photography began to crystallise.

'When you take a photograph, in that moment that you click the shutter,

'you're capturing life.

'It's a memory that you've made of somebody.'

That's good, that's exactly what we want.

'You're not intentionally commemorating them.

'It's just a snapshot.

'But when that person dies, the photographs become something else.

'Suddenly, they have a potency.'

I want to explore that.

I want to push myself and take my work somewhere new.

And I want to come to terms with my parents death

in the only way I know how, through photography.

So I had this idea to do an exhibition about death...and life.

I want to photograph people who are staring death in the face

and see what I can learn from them about life.

You only get one chance to live, to express yourself.

We can taste, we can feel.

We can feel each other's love. It's amazing.

That's what it should be.

All the things that normally I'd be worrying about or

what would be bringing me down, you suddenly realise it doesn't matter.

It just doesn't matter any more!

It doesn't matter what's happened in the past, it doesn't matter

what's going to happen in the future, because there is no future.

You... You are alive.

It doesn't mean that all I want to do is sit around

and have deep and meaningful discussions all the time.

That's not what happens when you get cancer.

That's not what happens when you think you're,

well, you know you're going to die.

You either look at the fact that you're dying and cry about it,

or you look at the fact you're dying and laugh about it.

And inevitably, it's nicer laughing than crying, isn't it?

Things begin, grow, alive, end.

It's the most ordinary thing in the world. Why be frightened of it?

After my parents passed away, we got all the photo albums.

They didn't take a lot of photographs.

They were under-exposed, badly-shot photos.

That's a good picture of my dad. That was what my dad was like.

Always the joker.

They passed away six years ago

and I'm only just really coming to terms with them not being here.

I feel a, kind of, responsibility to my son

and to my family that... I make sure I prepare them

for my passing away.

And I guess that's why I wanted to do the project, just to stare

death in the face a bit and ask yourself a few questions about it.

So I'm going back to my roots.

I want to photograph real people, with real problems,

people who are facing one of the biggest challenges of all -

their own death.

When I get ready in the night, when I put my wig on, I feel ultra-glam.

And when I take it off, I don't.

So this is what I look like if I take my wig off.

I'm being brave, but that's it.

That's my bit of growth from my chemo.

I don't like it, I'm putting my wig back on, thank you.

And everybody says to me,

"Oh, you're more glamorous now than you used to be."

So, cancer forced me to be glamorous.

I love Lesley.

Lesley is full of an incredible amount of self-belief,

with a very healthy dose of self-criticism.

I've only got one eyelash on.

HE LAUGHS

You look great.

-Do I?

-Yeah.

-We're trying to look like Kim.

-Kim Kardashian?

-Yeah.

If I don't look like her at the end of this, there'll be trouble.

Why do you want to look like Kim Kardashian?

I think she's really pretty.

That's one picture that I actually think is cute of myself.

I look like a boy most of the time, but I like that one

because I've got bunches in. I look cute.

I was adopted when I was seven days old and grew up feeling

very different and lonely,

and always wondering where I was from

and why I was being bullied at school.

Why I was bigger than everyone else,

why I was darker than everyone else, and I had no answers.

It was just "in" to be blonde and blue-eyed,

and if you were anything other than that, you were a freak.

The social workers used to come and say, "What's the prognosis?"

and I said, "Oh, I'm going to get better."

They said, "Who told you that, the doctor?"

I said, "No, me."

And she was like, "Well..." As if to say, "Who are you?"

Do you know what I mean?!

And I thought, "Well, I'm me, actually."

So I thought... And I'm in charge

of whether I'm going to get better or not.

And one day, she was due to come, I felt rough,

I was being sick, I thought, "Oh, God!"

But I did it. I put make-up on, wig on and I opened that door

and she just went, "Oh, you've proved us all wrong, haven't you!"

And I thought, "Result! Result!"

It was only a wig and a bit of make-up, but she believed me.

It's the wig! The wig saved the day again.

Hmmm. I don't like myself on pictures.

Why not? You look great.

-I don't know.

-You look beautiful.

SHE CHUCKLES

-Do you not like them?

-No.

We could do that.

That's nice, what have you done to it?

That is just so much better.

HE LAUGHS

In't it, though?

I tell you what, we could do something like that,

then do something more real that goes with it.

What's interesting for me, and for other people,

is that when you see the pictures of her she doesn't really look ill.

It's not until she takes the wig off that there is a hint of how she is.

Shall we take your wig off, then?

Go on, then.

Oh, God!

-I would never normally have my hair like this.

-Oh, wow!

Just let me say that.

-But it looks great!

-No way!

-It looks great like that!

Her whole personality is just full of energy and positivity.

She's great to be around. You come away feeling a bit exhausted by her!

That's great. Really look in the lens,

-almost like you're talking to the camera.

-OK.

Talking inside, to the person who's looking at your picture.

Tell them your story with your eyes.

That's great, I love that.

Hmmm. I feel nervous.

Don't feel nervous, you're going to look amazing, don't worry.

I love that one.

I think you look like a French movie star.

What do you think?

I've had better pictures.

Like, from me...

SHE LAUGHS

-..from me mobile phone.

-Tell us about it.

SHE LAUGHS

Where's me phone?

I'll show you the ones.

It just bleaches you out and you look like you're 12 years old.

That's why I like it!

-Because it makes you look really young?

-Yes!

That looks absolutely awful and I look like a convict.

I can't be beaten by a mobile phone.

Can I get the Leica, please?

ISO 400, 2.8, 125. You'll probably be fine.

Please let me put my wig on?

What was interesting is that, right from the beginning,

she didn't feel comfortable in front of the camera.

And a lot of beautiful people have that, where they're quite analytical

of themselves, and she looked very sad, her eyes looked very sad.

But then she just wanted

to look like she was Wonder Woman, Katie Price.

Do your face that you do.

-What face?

-The camera phone.

Oh, the camera phone!

Hang on, let me... Just a minute, let me think.

Right.

'It's just a pity, because it's all pre-conceived notions of what's beautiful,

'and to me that's not what's beautiful about her.

'What's beautiful is her incredible personality

'and her really cutting sense of humour.'

Ooooh, look at that! Now, see, that's what I'm talking about!

That is what I'm talking about!

Who knows me better than me?

That's amazing, I need a copy of that, I just love it.

Do you not agree, though?

Well, no, I think...

I feel that this was more about you fighting something,

whereas this one's you trying to look glamorous.

But does every woman not want to look glamorous?

I don't want you to be unhappy with your photo.

I'm unhappy.

See, we're going to clash, we're going to clash.

Can I have both? Please?

I'll let you have that one, if you let me have that one?

It's a negotiation?

I like that one, you've done well.

But notice how I put my bit in and showed you how to do it?

You certainly did.

To me, once you've died...

..it's all about your soul, not your body.

They can do what they want with my body,

I don't care, I'm not here anymore, I'm not in it. I've gone.

Back to where I belong.

Back to home.

Do you like that?

I'm happy. You've done well.

Thank you.

How much do I get paid for this?

Joking. It was a joke.

Normally people pay me.

It's very therapeutic to start with, digging around in earth.

I think we have a connection to the earth. All human beings have.

And just planting things and seeing them grow, really.

There we are.

I've got what is called Chinese lanterns,

and when they dry up and die, they make this fantastic little mesh.

It's got a little seed in there, as well.

They're bright orange when they come out.

They don't last long, because they are so delicate.

In March 2005, I had a mastectomy, my right breast went.

In 2007, it spread everywhere.

It spread in my bones, soft tissue, lungs and liver.

After that, I developed a brain tumour on my cerebellum,

the back of my head. I had to have brain surgery.

Then they burned my cancer in my lungs. Then I had a collapsed lung.

I had to stay in hospital for two weeks and got swine flu in hospital.

-Thank you.

-What do you want me to do, just pour it in?

SHE PANTS REPEATEDLY

Thank you.

-Are you all right?

-Yeah.

It's like King Canute pushing the wave back.

-Can you stand there, like that?

-Yeah, that's great.

Just reflector please.

Yeah, I'd like the eyes closed for one, as well.

Do you want me to take this off?

Yeah, maybe. Maybe that's a good idea, for one shot,

it might be interesting.

-How's that?

-Yeah, that's great.

It's not a disease that is outside. It's inside.

And most of it I disguise,

because I don't want other people to worry about me.

Just push your chin out a little, hon.

That's it, and down a little.

I don't want their pity. I don't want that.

Because if I take on their pity then it's going to make me feel or think,

"Oh, yeah, I'm a poor girl, what I have to deal with."

Then I can't continue any more.

I'm still here,

and I'm kicking and I'm fighting to get as much out of life as possible.

And in the end, we all go to the same place.

All of us. It's just a matter of time.

It's quite strange, actually, because when you've always been into

sport and fitness and that sort of thing, and enjoyed life to the full,

to all of a sudden be told that you're...

For want of a better word, dying.

It's quite a strange feeling.

I went and met my daughter for lunch, who's 18.

The first thing I said was,

"If I said to you, quality or quantity, what would you say?"

And Charlotte said, "Quality."

She said, "Why do you ask?" And I told her the situation.

And she said, "Well, I'd like you to say quality, as well."

When I was diagnosed, I was told

that I probably had about five years to live.

But instead of turning my energy inwards,

I wanted to project it out, to help people, really.

And I started up a charity called Climbers Against Cancer,

or CAC for short.

I've already raised somewhere in the region of £75,000.

Cancer's a big word.

It's too big actually, it shouldn't be that big.

It's a terrible disease, a lot of people die of it,

but people are really frightened of cancer.

And what I wanted to do was create a sort of vibrancy around cancer,

create a happiness, so people can see that, you know,

here's a guy that's got terminal cancer, I'm just a regular guy,

but I can deal with it the way I deal with it,

and I can smile all the way through it.

I'm not saying I'm happy all the time,

but predominantly, I can be really happy and love life as you should.

I'm really quite humbled by the whole thing, because

little old me, in little old Ribchester in the Ribble Valley,

comes up with an idea that's affecting people around the world.

It's really quite rewarding.

It's really important to me that Charlotte can look back

and think, you know, "My dad were a cool guy."

Now that's me nearly getting upset, there.

I'm considering myself as an Amazonian Indian woman.

You know, the Amazonians purposely cut off their breasts,

so they could shoot their arrows?

That's true! Yeah, that is actually true.

And I thought, "Well it's only a bit of flesh, it's not that important."

It should symbolise the inner strength that comes through me,

how I want to deal with this.

That I'm fighting to the bitter end. I'm not giving up.

I see a warrior. I see someone battling her illness, that will win.

She may die in the process, but she'll still be a winner.

John brings a new dimension to optimism.

I think he's the kind of person that I wanted to do the project to meet, really.

He's the sort of person that I thought we'd come across,

but he's almost liked pumped, amplified, he's like a steroid version of optimistic.

Yeah, really looking through the lens.

The thing about CAC I really like is the minute you say it, you smile.

Know what I mean? You can't...CAC, it makes you...it makes you smile.

-It's cheerful.

-Yeah. It's fun, but...

We all know there's a serious side to it, though.

-But you can't let that get to you.

-No, of course not.

How do you stop it getting to you though?

You wake up every morning with a smile on your face.

Is that how you get, sort of, through it?

Yeah, yeah. It's terminal, but you can't moan about it.

He's my perfect subject, really - a golden ticket of subjects,

because he comes out and makes you feel at ease

talking about something that's very hard to discuss.

And then, on top of that, he takes the mickey out of it.

Do me! Do me! He's going to do me! Do me.

Actually I'll shoot it, I'll shoot it.

That's great, do me.

He's brilliant, but very hard for me to photograph, because I couldn't work out what would be meaningful

to the people who'd see the shots, and to him.

Can you tip your glasses to the side?

He did try a few pictures that were a bit "Eric Morecambe" looking.

I wasn't sure if that was... really me, as such.

I like natural humour rather than contrived humour, if you will.

I think we need to do something like that with you.

You're so...you're not a serious per-... I mean...

No, I find it hard to be serious.

Try the other way, try the other way.

Very good. OK, good, well done. That's brilliant.

Come and have a look at that.

So you couldn't do two together?

I could do two together or I could do you facing each other, which could be quite nice.

It's almost like one person is looking at another person,

you know what I mean, in the mirror?

I think he went for a great shot cos he referred to the fun one as him,

and the other one, as his life with cancer, which I thought was quite...

..quite...quite emotional, really.

I'm not normally like this. I don't normally bring myself into projects quite as much.

But this one, I've just gone inside my own head.

Kind of a self-obsession, about my own personal mortality.

And I'm trying really hard to process that, get it out of me,

and just doing these things gets it out.

The skull has always been this symbol of death,

but it's been sort of hijacked by the fashion world.'

You see it everywhere - T-shirts, perfume bottles, jewellery.

It's, kind of, lost that original meaning.

So I wanted to play with that a bit by doing some self-portraits,

even though I know it's going to make me look totally self-obsessed.

CAMERA SHUTTER

I guess this probably is the most indulgent I can be.

Of all the people I've photographed writer Diana Athill is one of the most impressive.

She's lived a long and full life...

KNOCKING

..and is coming closer to her own death, something she's written about candidly.

Hello, Rankin, how nice to see you again.

-Hi, Diana, how are you.

-I'm all right, come on in.

-You look really well.

-So do you.

And what's the point of this programme, what is it that you're trying to get at?

The core of it is that I'm scared of death, and I've realised,

through my parents passing away, that I'm scared of death.

I remember when I was very young...

..I think it was Montaigne who said everyone ought to spend 15 minutes

every day thinking about death, so they're used to the idea.

And I thought, "that's rather sensible!"

And it seemed to me, very quickly, that it was a part of life.

Even enormous mountains, they have a beginning,

they come up to their best and then they wear away and then they die.

Everything does.

That's the pattern of how life works and if it didn't work like that, God knows where we'd be.

-So that it can't be, if it's SO completely universal, it can't be that bad...

-Hm.

..is how it struck me.

It's the most ordinary thing in the world. Why be frightened of it?

There's things I think I'll miss, you know, I'm going to miss...

like, a sunrise.

You won't miss it, darling, because you won't be there to miss it!

I remember a friend of mine who felt it very strongly.

He would wake up in the night and say "I'm going to die. How awful!

"And all those fucking birds will still go on singing!"

LAUGHTER

I said, well, that's what cheers me up!

I like to think...

All the birds singing.

..all the birds go on singing, babies go on being born, life goes on.

It doesn't make me feel bad, it makes me feel better.

It made him feel furious, he wanted them all to stop!

A lot of what I'm talking about is just this selfish notion of how important my death is to me.

It's not really going to be that important to anyone else!

It's going to be very important to other people -

more important to other people, than it is to you, actually,

because they're going to know about it.

So, basically, I'm just a whining middle-aged bloke.

I think it's fine. I just needed to be told that.

HEAVY BREATHING

Something has to make you feel good and clothes make me feel good.

And why shouldn't a guy of almost 70 wear pink shoes, if he wants to wear pink shoes?

No reason at all. So, it's just something that keeps me happy.

And so few things do. So, bugger it!

Most people would just think a bath is just something you do,

but when you can't have 'em, you really see the benefit of having 'em.

It takes you out of yourself for a while.

It's another diversion to stop you thinking about bloody dying.

You're laying here warm and comfortable and the bubbles are going. And it's grand fun!

We'll start off me funeral with All Things Bright And Beautiful.

Then we move onto It Ain't Necessarily So.

Then, we have Pluck It.

And then we go out, as I go through the curtains, we're going out to The Internationale.

And that'll wind a few up!

Aye, lots of people I'd like to say goodbye to, I don't see anymore.

I either can't get to where they are

or I'm frightened to go to where they are.

They don't come to me.

That's the saddest bit of my life at the minute, it's...

..that I just don't see people any longer.

We had some wonderful times with the bikes. We did the Beaujolais run.

We were in each other's pockets for years and it's...it's all gone.

But...that's the way life goes, I suppose.

Where do I find joy?

Sitting and holding me wife's hand.

Sometimes it's nice just to sit and hold hands.

It's lovely and comforting and...

..I think...no, I might well up...no! OK?

OK?

Enough!

EXHALES

You can't...

..you don't ever accept that you're dying.

You can't.

Yeah, you can't take it in.

And then sometimes, it just does.

CLEARS THROAT

MUSIC

Well, I mean, what is this problem people have with death, right?

I mean...it's our natural state.

Time began 13 billion years ago, whatever, with The Big Bang.

I was dead, actually, at that time.

And so I was right up until... right up until 1947, when...

..I started trying to puzzle things out, you know.

And now after this brief glimpse at this...vast universe, I'm going back to that.

I've had 13 billion years of practise!

BLUES MUSIC

In January, legendary Dr Feelgood guitarist Wilko Johnson was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer

and given nine months to live.

But it was his attitude to that prognosis that caught the attention of the world's media.

I always have been a miserable so-and-so and we walked out of the hospital

and the sky was very bright and seeing the trees against the sky, you know?

Fucking hell, man, it looks so good! And I just felt this...

..elation.

I thought, "you are alive!"

And you can walk out on the street and the very paving stones seem to be shimmering, you know?

Like it's, er...wow!

I mean, I realise my attitude may seem unusual or something, but it seems to be

a very logical attitude.

I mean, erm...everybody's going to die, you know.

And I've got the advantage of knowing it's worked out for me.

Because death is something you always looked at as something in the indefinite future.

I'm sure that when you're 95, you will be thinking the same thing. It's...it's...

And...

..me, it's going to be...

..I don't know, a few months or something?

"But, if it be not now, then 'tis to come.

"If it be not to come, then 'twill be now.

"But if it be not now, yet it will come."

Hamlet, you see. He was right. It's true for everybody - it will come.

MUSIC: "Johnny Be Goode"

We finished the set with this song, Bye-Bye, Johnny.

The crowd is all below you. It was really rammed and they're all going "Bye, bye, bye."

And I tell you what, you could have waxed very sentimental over this, right, but it didn't.

That was a buzz!

Because it was such a great piece of showbusiness!

Everybody's crying and that. It's fantastic!

# Goodbye, Johnny, be goode. #

Thank you! Goodnight!

..and goodbye.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes! Spot on. Wait until you see the cufflinks.

Somebody said I was a, sort of, champagne Socialist.

I'm not, I'm a champagne Communist!

LAUGHS

-Brilliant!

->

My hairdresser, Andrew...

..he's about 6 foot 3 and broad and if he finds you've buggered it up,

he'll beat you all over the place!

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

You look amazing.

Thank you very much.

Wish I could say the same about you, with your terrible eye.

LAUGHTER

Straighten your head.

-My assistants now love you, do you know that?

-That's OK.

Straighten your head a little that way...

Drop your shoulders a little bit, if you can.

Breathing is a problem with that.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah.

-Do you have to have them up?

-I tend to.

-Go on, then, put them up.

No, it's all right, I 'll keep them down.

-Can you put your hands up still?

-Yeah, yeah.

-That's great.

And leaning to me a little... That's great, yeah, good.

And take the light a bit higher.

Just push your chin out a little for me. That's gorgeous.

-Can I have a break for a minute?

-Yeah, cool.

Sorry, it's keeping my shoulders down.

Yeah, sorry, I didn't realise.

-I think I've got it.

-Sure?

-I'm going to show you and see what you think.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Here you go.

-Oh, I like that. I DO like that! Isn't that lovely?

-I really like it.

-That is super.

-And I like your eyes in it.

HE LAUGHS

-Oh, impressed!

-Good!

Are you happy with it?

-I'm very, very happy with it.

-Good.

I think it captures something about you.

-I'm ever so pleased with that, I must admit.

-Are you?

-Yeah.

Oh, that's brilliant!

You're a clever bugger, aren't you?

You've got the best eyes in the world.

If you can maybe bring one hand up here. Like that, yeah.

And lean this way a bit more...

Do you think, as an artist, like, you contemplated death in the past?

Do you think that prepares you more for it, at all?

My wife died of cancer, I think nearly nine years ago now.

We were together for 40 years and I love her still.

It was just this terrible thing, you know, that I knew she was going.

I might be sitting down here and she was upstairs in bed.

And I'm thinking, "Man, she's... Wow!"

So I'd go up and sit with her and thinking, "Stop the clock!"

-You know? She's here! She's going to go.

-Slow down time.

Yeah. Stop it, stop it! You know, but, of course...

it inevitably happens.

Now put your chin right out.

That's great.

I do believe we have a soul, but I don't believe it's immortal.

And I think consciousness is a product

of this organ in our heads, you know,

and once that stops, there's no more consciousness and no more soul.

If I thought that I would see Irene again, when I die,

I would have killed myself nine years ago, you know, so...

..I'll find out.

Well, I won't find out, will I? Cos I won't be here to find out.

HE LAUGHS

It's a big...yeah, it's a tricky one, a tricky one.

MUSIC: "One Kind Favour"

# You know it's one kind favour I'll ask to you

# You know it's one kind favour I'll ask to you

# One kind favour I'll ask to you

# See that my grave is kept clean... #

Hello!

Hello, it is very nice to meet you.

Lovely to meet you, I've been so excited to meet you!

Oh, I am very excited to meet you! I am very happy to meet you.

I am a Hungarian camp survivor,

slave-labour survivor

and death march survivor.

So I survived quite a lot in my life.

So you've looked death in the eye a few times?

More than one time.

First of all, I looked death in the eye

when we arrived in the camp.

-Which camp were you in?

-Auschwitz.

-Auschwitz.

The life was so difficult, we had no food.

We... How we slept,

even animals would not sleep like that.

We were not taken for humans.

Their aim was to kill us.

-Yeah.

-It was an upside-down world -

bad was good, good was bad.

Killing was OK, that was the norm.

When you helped somebody, when you tried to be kind to somebody,

you were punished for that.

So the situation was so bad,

that, in a way, you wanted to die.

But when you went before the Germans

and you know, you can be selected now,

and they take you now to be killed,

somehow, then, you were afraid.

Right.

That shows how strong is life.

Now, life must be so amazing?

It is.

I appreciate life, every moment,

because I knew I get a second chance.

Cos you seem a very optimistic person.

What I have learned from this is take everything how it comes.

In one word - to be tolerant to each other.

Uh-huh, yeah.

If somebody is different than you,

it does not mean that he is better or worse - just different.

But one thing is sure for all of us humans -

our blood is red and if you cut it, it hurts.

Are you scared of death now?

No, I am not afraid of, no.

I have children.

I never believed that I would be a mother,

-not grandmother, great-grandmother...

-Yeah.

How did that make you feel when you were nursing your first child?

You created life. That feeling must have been...

That was really the first thing that really belonged to you.

Because they took away everything -

your family, they killed your family. They took everything.

So the first thing really who belonged to you was the first baby.

-So that was...

-How did that make you feel?

You cannot describe.

You're asking me something that I cannot.

Simply, I cannot describe it.

There's no hate there.

She'd taken away, from the most inhumane circumstances,

from being that close to death, tolerance.

I mean, how you can take that away from that, to me, is...bizarre.

She's determined and optimistic and positive

and has taken tolerance as a lesson.

What an inspirational person.

Something that struck me about Lily's home

is that she surrounds herself with photographs.

They're everywhere you look,

and they remind you of what she says - of how precious life is.

I didn't meet any of the people in these images,

her children or grandchildren,

but I couldn't help but think that none of them would have existed

if she hadn't survived.

Those photos, snapshots or not, have the potency I'm talking about.

What I've learned is that everyone's going to die,

and all these photographs are going to mean something when people die.

When I die, they're going to mean something else,

when the people in them die, they're going to mean something else.

So if you go to the show and you look at them,

you can't help but think about life and death.

These photographs have a potency,

because I've put that title on them, Alive: In The Face Of Death.

And, actually, forget all the cameras and the lighting.

It's engaging with people and them giving you something.

All these people have given me something.

And I've wrapped it up and put it in a photograph.

And that's what's brilliant about it.

And that's what I love about my job, that I get to do that.

I'm sure I'm going to get criticised for it, but I don't care...

..because I feel really good about this one.

The reason I was interested in this, in the first place,

was cos...a very simple thing, to start with, was the title.

It was called Alive: In The Face Of Death, and I just thought,

"Well, that really chimes with what I'm trying to say."

You know, just because you acquire a terminal disease or whatever,

it doesn't mean that you stop being yourself.

It doesn't mean that you stop living.

That's the way I look at it.

You have beautiful days, you know.

When you're going through something really grim

and then, you go out and you have a fantastic day,

you just appreciate it all that much more.

And...so it's not all grim and depressing and horrible and painful.

There's really beautiful things that come out of these situations.

It's weird, cos, at the moment, I feel fine.

And my friends tell me I look the same.

You know, I have these things inside me

that are, one day, going to kill me, um...

But...

Yeah, I'm making time for the things I want to make time for.

Was it Hemmingway that said that,

when you love someone, there's never a happy end to it?

But, actually, I think he was also saying

that, you know, your life is incredibly more fulfilling

when there's somebody in it that you love

and that you're sharing it with. And...

..that's definitely how I've felt.

'When you love someone, you want to take away hurt,

'you don't want to give hurt.'

And I'm giving hurt to quite a lot of people I love.

And...that's why I'm crying,

because, when I first found out the news,

from the doctor, that there's nothing they can do about my cancer this time,

you know, probably one of the first thoughts I had

was about my mum and dad and Al.

And we got home to our flat

and I couldn't stop imagining Al having to walk into our flat

for the first time with me gone, because I was thinking...

I was imagining myself doing that.

I've probably taken more photos than I've ever done,

I've always taken a lot of photos, but I've taken lots of photos over the last few months.

I'm recording everything.

Yeah, I suppose I'm thinking about it, thinking, you know,

this is the only thing that I'm going to really have left

which is going to be so tangible of Lou.

But...

'I couldn't have done any of this without Al.'

He needs to...know that it's OK...

..to let me go.

But I've told him I'll be watching over him

and if he does anything wrong, I'm going to haunt him!

And I will.

SHE LAUGHS

I love her. I think she's such an incredible person,

who's not afraid of her emotions, either.

She's not afraid to not be happy.

That's really beautiful.

'She's very close to her emotions.'

Just let it go.

Beautiful.

That's really wonderful.

-You OK?

-Yeah, I'm all right.

Just seeing all those photographs appear on screen

and you can't quite believe it's yourself,

and that it's Rankin that's taken them.

And, you know, you're aware that it's a very special,

like, one-off event,

and that this isn't going to happen again.

You know, so that makes me want to kind of cry,

cos that was quite special.

I think that these are really, really exciting.

I think they are fantastic.

I'm really hoping that I'll make the exhibition in May,

that's my next goal.

We all look, you know, prettily done up

and, you know, lovely for the show,

but the foundation of it is not really like that, is it?

Some people are here,

they're suffering, whilst they're going round.

Some on the verge of dying.

And it's, you know, it's close to home.

But I'm not going to cry tonight.

I want to remain the image that I'm portraying.

I love it. And do you know what?

I even love the middle photo more than the other two,

which I'm shocked about.

It's real and it shows my strength.

It's good. It looks serious, doesn't it? You know what I mean?

Looks like a guy who's got some thoughts on his mind.

It just shows you!

HE LAUGHS

It, literally, took my breath away when I first saw it,

it's absolutely wonderful.

I must admit I love watching people coming up and looking at it,

and then dashing in and saying, "Have you seen the cufflinks? Have you seen the cufflinks?"

That goes down well and all!

I don't think any of us feel like we're dying, you know.

For me, I mean, I'm living. That's my view.

And I'm living more than I was before.

So if cancer's done that, then, you know, what can I say?

I just think it's amazing.

I'm really glad to be a part of it. Really, really glad.

Yeah, there have been times when I didn't think I'd get this far.

I mean, it's May, it's crazy.

I mean, I remember coming out of the shoot and saying,

"Oh, I'm so happy, you know, if I die today, I'm just so happy."

But then, of course, the next day, I changed my mind

and I was like, "Actually, no, I want to go to the exhibition."

So, yeah, it's been special for me, on that level, yeah.

I've made it.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd