03/06/2013 The One Show

with Matt Baker. And Alex Jones. Tonight's guests can be summed up in

a series of impressive words spoken by somebody with a deep voice.

Stroll, fast, toned... We are of course talking about Brownlee

brothers, Alistair and his brother Jonathan. We will be chatting to the

Olympic champions later and pitting them head-to-head in a way they have

never competed before, involving an ironing board. As well as two

Olympic heroes, we have also got the comedy queen of Britain. Please

welcome Jo Brand. As we have seen, swimming, cycling, running, the

chosen events of the Olympic triathlon, but what would be your

triathlon? Trampolining. I said that! That is how I get the kids to

school, then I jump off the shed. Trampolining straight onto a chair

lift, then diving onto my bed with a book open ready for me to read.

sure you would be a champion at that. We will be talking later about

the Great Wall of Comedy, coming soon. 19 million people have a donor

card, but would you be prepared to go one step further and give a

kidney as a living donor? Last year, one woman did just that... Here is

Jenny Kleeman. Jenny Kleeman is one of a growing

number of people choosing to donate one of their kidneys to a stranger.

It is called nondirected altruistic kidney donation. I have never heard

of it until a friend told me his mother was about to do it and I was

amazed anybody would be about to give their kidney to a total

stranger. Why would people do it? And was it something I could ever

do? The number of people donating kidneys in this way is increasing

every year. My research led me to to -- to Visa and her husband. Why are

you giving your kidney? My husband did it some years ago, and it became

a question of why not? It is that simple for you? Yes, it is a

relatively minor inconvenience for me, and one kidney is enough.

risk of complications for the person donating is very low. Is this a

straightforward procedure? Yes, it is major surgery, a big operation,

no doubt about that. What will happen to her kidney after it is

removed in surgery? It is allocated by the national scheme, done

according to match and so on. It is then moved for the transplant to

take place on the same day. That quickly! The operation is mainly

keyhole surgery, with a small incision to remove the kidney. Once

out, it is quickly prepared for the transplant. We are flushing the

blood out of the kidney and cooling it down so that we can store it.

That is invaluable. Just amazing. Of all the people in need of a kidney

transplant, half of them will die on dialysis. Transplants are given to

the person most in need with the highest chance of success. For those

who have been on the transplant list for years, it can be an agonising

wait. Some people are turning to the Internet to try to get the organ

they need quicker. This website is called Matching Donors, claiming to

pair people up, but so far no transplants in the UK have happened

as a result of this website. Suzanne signed up because she has been on

dialysis for 13 years. She had failed transplant in 2007 which

means her only option now is a match with a live donor. It is my

understanding that very few transplants are unsuccessful.

stayed in for some time, I thought maybe it would work, but gave up.

They said you won't have to wait too long for a new one and I am still

waiting. So you have turned to the Internet now? Have you had any

matches from the website? There have been a few people, I wrote back to

them and they wanted to go ahead with it and I haven't heard any

more. The most recent person to get in touch through the website did

give Suzanne some hope. We arranged for them to me today but she

contacted us to say she couldn't make it. I was looking forward to

meeting her, a strange feeling anyway, but what can you do? When

you meet someone like Suzanne, you realise how desperate some people on

the transplant waiting lists are, desperate enough to try any means

possible to get a new kidney. It is the day after her operation, and I

have come back to the hospital to see how to Reza is doing. Forgive me

for not standing up. How are you feeling? Not bad at all.Amazing.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling OK and how did the operation go?

been very straightforward, I have been well looked after. In six

weeks, she should be fully recovered from the surgery. After meeting

her, I would like to think that one day I could do the same.

It is incredibly interesting about donor cards because I asked you if

you had one and you said? I have just done it because when I spoke to

the research of the other day, it is something I have been meaning to do

for ages but there is a tiny part of me that is superstitious and I

thought a great big weight would land on my head after I had signed

it, but that was ridiculous and you can do it online. It is so easy, not

that anyone wants my kidney. If you would like more information, it is

available on our website. They say laughter is the best medicine, Jo,

so let's talk about the Great Wall of Comedy. It starts a week on

Sunday, all about sitcoms, and how does it feel for you? You are in the

hotseat this time, we usually see you as a panellist even though you

have posted on the odd occasion. is nice hosting, because when I

worked in the NHS I made other people 's lives a misery. It is a

chance to get in the bass's seat and it has been great. How does it work

as a panel game? How it works is that we have two teams, one slightly

more mature team. Experienced!Yes, exactly, headed by Barry Cryer, who

is 143 and really shouldn't be let out but we have pulled him out for a

couple of weeks. The other team captain is Rebecca , digging it up

for the middle-aged investigated woman, and we have clips from

sitcoms and guests each week that have been in iconic sitcoms. Part of

the game is imagining what characters they have played because

it is a while since they have been in them. Absolutely, so we have gone

back many years, but also have contemporary stuff as well. It is

not just a show for your grandma, but it is a real mixture of stuff.

Here is the plan -- panel. Does anybody know why Manuel had a

moustache? Was it because he didn't want to be recognised? Yes, so that

when he was out and about people wouldn't recognise him in his

ordinary life. That's why I used to take my boils off. I tried the

moustache thing, but it didn't work!

We were talking about the golden age of sitcoms, are you in that camp?

No, I believe the modern stuff is just as good and you have got to

move on. Fawlty Towers as a teenager was one of my absolute favourite

sitcoms, but these days it wouldn't work because it is of its age and

there are certain things in it that would be an acceptable these days.

Things have moved on but that doesn't mean they have got worse. I

think the standard is really high these days. And his name is Manuel

apparently! And you are back on tour, Jo, moving on swiftly. Yes,

it's just that I have not done stand-up for a long time and I got

rusty, and it is the thing I like doing best. There is nothing better

than driving to a small theatre, arriving in the middle of nowhere

and enjoying yourself. And you are doing one tomorrow night? Where is

it? Yes, in Croydon. Are you all right? Thank you! I love Croydon, it

is a benefit actually and it is organised by Crystal Palace football

club. The Eagles! Yes! And the money is being split between comic relief

and the Crystal Palace Academy for younger players. It has done very

well so far. Lets hope you get the full house. Shortly we will be

chatting to the speedy siblings who took gold and bronze medals at the

Olympic Games, but first you when Thomas takes us back to the time

when to be an Olympian and you had to be an amateur athlete. This is

John Tarrant, one of the finest long-distance runners Britain has

ever produced but his name has been airbrushed out of history. He was

banned for life for breaching strict rules on amateurism in the 1950s and

the 1960s, but he defied the authorities and competed anyway, as

the man they called the ghost runner. By the time he retired, John

Tarrant had run over 100 races as the ghost runner, but the glittering

prize he craved, representing his country at the Olympics, was denied

to him. His crime had been to earn a few pounds as a boxer, enough then

to be classed as a professional and cast out of amateur sports forever.

John became a rather mediocre boxer. He fought half a dozen times and for

his first fight he probably got paid no more than a quid and at best that

would have gone up to five quid and that was to prove the poison pill in

his tragic life. In total, for just eight fights, John was paid �17.

John abandoned boxing and turned to road running, realising he had a

talent for it. He ran in amateur athletics events, but filling out

the forms honestly he had admitted the �17 earnings and regretted the

decision as long as he lived. immediately banned from ever

competing on British or international soil. He received some

of the most atrocious letters, patronising, unforgiving letters,

determined that he would never run. But John Tarrant gatecrashed

official events to evade the watchful authorities. He was aided

and abetted by his brother who is still an athletics coach today.

used to get him on a motorbike, drop him off at the back, and he would go

when the gun went. He would have a Macintosh and a cap on so that when

the gun went off he could keep to the side. Almost as a regular

spectator? That's right, and he was away. The ghost runner became a

sensation in the press. It was the victim of petty official rules.

official grabbed him, was pulling him, grabbed his arm, so I aimed the

motorbike straight at the official. He went one way and I went the other

way. The more races he was in and the more races he won, the more

publicity it got him. In the back of his mind he wanted to do the

Olympics. After four years of running as a ghost the authorities

relented, but only permitted him to run in the UK and stubbornly refuse

to lift the international ban. His Olympic dreams died. Ken Flowers ran

with John and saw him at dozens of events with distances up to 50

miles, and remembers him talking on little else apart from not being

allowed to run for his country. had a team of ten, and out of them

there were eight internationals. John was good enough to run in the

Olympics, it was eating into him that they wouldn't pick him because

of his reinstatement business. Despite his non-selection, his

dedication to run was total, leaving little time for his wife and son.

didn't see much of him. He was always running. Every single day.

Christmas Day? Yes. It didn't matter what day it was, he went out

running. He wanted to represent his country, but he was never allowed to

do that. John Tarrant died at the age of 42 from stomach cancer.

ran almost to the end, but never fulfilled his ambition. Please

welcome Alistair and Jonathan Brownlee. Welcome back. That was a

brilliant story about John Tarrant, but I bet you boys can empathise

with his need to compete. Absolutely. We are both massive

competitors. We have been brought up on it from a very young age. To be

told you couldn't compete by officials, for something that seemed

so pointless, would be really annoying. Would you go so far as to

where and Macintosh? Definitely. Maybe not for the swim. Johnny,

congratulations at a second consecutive win at the World Cup

yesterday in Madrid. It is five races, and I have one two so far. I

missed the first two because of injury. And celebrated quite

heavily, Alistair, at the end in your absence, because you are

injured. Look at you on the final straight! Yellow mac is he milking

it a bit? Absolutely.In all seriousness, how are you feeling

today? I am a little bit tired, but I am still on a bit of a high. On

the train home tonight, I will be very tired then. Tell us about your

new book. It is very exciting. this book Swim, Bike, Run: Our

Triathlon Story, it is triathlon tips but also how to get through a

triathlon mentally. I thought you would go for a triathlon of books!

Wrote why did you decide to cram it all into one book. First off, we

decided to write a book. There is only that much we can write about

ourselves. I am 25 and he is 23. But once you get started... You have

taken bits out! There is all sorts, hopefully there is a something for

everyone who wants to go in a triathlon. There are tips on how to

train, and a lot about our stories as well. You talk about growing up.

How competitive were you as children? Do you remember life

without competition with your brother, Johnny? Definitely not. I

remember throwing golf clubs at Alistair at crazy golf. I remember

that. We use to fall over -- fallout over board games at Christmas.

you have to brothers as well. Was it the same? Absolutely. They said, you

are supporting West Ham's, and when they lose, we will hit you. And they

lost quite a lot in the 60s! Life must be tiring for you. As you

are two of the fastest blokes around, we are going to hit you with

a few speedy questions. You have these 'Me' or 'Him' boards. You have

to flip them. Who is the biggest show off? Who's got the worst taste

in music? Who is the biggest flirt? Who's got the worst temper? I get a

bit angry occasionally. Who's got the best dress sense? I can't

believe you said that! Who wrote the most of Swim, Bike, Run: Our

Triathlon Story? There you have it. If you want to read all about it,

Swim, Bike, Run: Our Triathlon Story is out today. Imagine being to tap

in a metal to under the sea for months on end. You are cut off from

family, friends and sunlight. For some it is the stuff of nightmares.

For others, it is part of the job. Gibraltar, a tiny slice of Britain

on the edge of the Mediterranean. On the harbour, one of the Royal

Navy's longest service some brains is preparing for a final journey.

This is HMS Trenchant, and by the time she gets back to her home base

of Devonport, she will have been away for 11 months, longest ever

deployment. The submarine has been on duty in the Middle East, carrying

out surveillance patrols. Now she is about to head home, and with men

aboard, that means a lot of long overdue reunions with their

families. The journey from Gibraltar to Plymouth will take five days.

Unusually, they will have a passenger on board, because The One

Show has been given special access. Welcome to HMS Trenchant. Good to be

here. Let's take you around.Where do the guys usually sleep? It

depends on rank. We do not have enough beds on board for everybody.

When one guy gets out of bed, another guy gets in, when he has

finished the watch. You are in here. It is comfy, but a bit of a squeeze.

And my first time sleeping next to a torpedo! The captain carefully

guides the boat out of Gibraltar's shallow waters and in to the

Atlantic. HMS Trenchant is a nuclear submarine, and its reactor generates

enough power for a town the size of Swindon, giving it virtually

unlimited range and the ability to stay submerged for as long as the

food supply holds out. During our journey back to Devonport, we will

be travelling at around 18 miles an hour, and we will dive 100 to down

from the surface of the ocean. Safety on board is paramount, so the

crew perform regular exercises, like this. Fire has been the cause of

many of the worst submarine disasters in history. In such a

confined space, fire can destroy essential equipment and breathable

air. These drills take place every few days. What is really striking is

that when the submarine is submerged, the crew are not able to

contact their families, with no telephone, e-mail or Internet. Who

are you going to see back home? ladies in my life, the mother and

the girlfriend. I haven't talked to them for months. How long have you

been away? Seven months. I will be glad to see my wife and kids.

eight hours, HMS Trenchant comes up near the surface so the periscope

can be raised. What are you looking out for? Predominantly, keeping a

watch, looking for ships or anything that is going to force as deep.

Periscope is fitted with electronic kit to help us detect other

transmissions. As the days go by on our journey back to Plymouth, you

find yourself falling into a routine. On board here, there's a

lot of things you're not used to. I haven't seen the sun for a few days.

It's incredible to be on-board here, but I am just a passenger. I

can get off in a few days' time. Some of these guys have been on here

for months on end, up to 11 months. It is an incredible test of

endurance. Monotony of life on board is broken up by regular meals, and

the chef is one of the men charged with keeping everyone fed. What is

the general favourite that everyone forward to? Chocolate sponge with

chocolate sauce. They like cheese, ham and eggs. That is normally on

Wednesday. Cheese, ham and eggs, for 120! That is not a lot for me. The

quiz keeps the crew entertained during the long months on C. The one

show- inspired team names were keeping us entertained too! The

winners this week are Row We Wanted Alex Jones But All We Got Was A

Scouser Wearing Tight Jeans! We have resurfaced to see the sunset over

the English Channel. Not long until the crew finally get ashore. That is

quite similar to my pub squeeze name! It begs the question, what is

cheese, ham and eggs? I think it is a toasty. I think it sounds

unpleasant. Maybe it will be revealed tomorrow. We will find out

from Dan Donnelly as he is on-board HMS Trenchant tomorrow. We know the

Brownie brothers are good at cycling, swimming and running. Now

they have flown the nest, how are they as -- at housework? It is

interesting that they both decided to go for the aprons. We are going

to do a bit of a game here. Welcome to the One Show Housework

Triathalon. For the right to wear this medal! We had to bring a medal

into it. Jo, you nailed this before we came on air. Tell the lads what

you have to do. It is so easy. You've got to vacuum your section of

carpet, IM a T-shirt, and then put on a duvet cover. When you hear this

noise, that is when you will start. When did you last change your duvet

covers? I can't remember! I have never ironed them in my life.

have never ironed in your life! Alistair, what section of this would

you be daunted by. I can't remember last time I used a Hoover. So get

focused, and it is over to Jo. forget to put the hot bit of the

iron away from you! Get set! I thought they were going to play the

Don't bother! It is always tricky ironing something with an emblem

on. Jonathan, what are you doing? Move on! Any tips here, Jo? Shove it

under the bed and get in as it is! What about the technique of turning

it inside out? Vary good. Is he going to get into bed as well at the

right time? Jump into bed! Too much shaking! Before we have a look at

the medals, let's have a little bit of a look at the carpet there.

good at hoovering. That looks appalling, but it looks the most

like my house, that one. I am going to give it to you, Johnny. There you

go! Goodlad! Good luck with the Great Wall of Comedy on Gold from