04/11/2011 The One Show

Hello, friends, and welcome to your pre-Bonfire Night One Show with

Alex Jones. And Chris Evans. guest tonight is a bit like a

firework, she exploded brightly onto our screens with her self-

titled comedy show. And you know she'll always hit the ground,

Lovely to see you. Thank you. have perfected that. Is there a

crash mat? There was there, because that was hard corridor, that is the

official term. Sometimes there is no crash mat, you are very good at

falling over. In the studio, sometimes I fall onto the carpet. I

am a slave to my art! In the writing process, when you think,

this requires a fall? I write it all pretty much without falling,

unless it is essential to the plot, like falling in the grave. If

you're at a funeral, you are going to fall in the grave. Alex loves

the show, she is your number one fan. Strictly, you are a big fan.

am not just saying this, but Alex is one of my favourites. I should

have said favoured, but I am being completely honest, Harry as well.

Harry is brilliant. We have breaking news from Strictly

especially for you. Are you ready? He has! Miranda, please do Strictly,

we want your saucy moves on our dancefloor, and you are going to be

doing it with me! Brendan Cole wants you! This is very exciting,

but I am taller than Brendan. can sort that out... Somehow!

wears big Cuban heels. He does. is the 10th anniversary, it has

never been bigger or better, would you do it? Alex... That looks like

Yes to me! It is brilliant, and you get to wear all those frocks and

lashes. It doesn't matter, they could do with a bit of that! Carrie

Grant will be telling us what gives fireworks their amazing colours.

She has lied that a bonfire night in Wetherby. And we would like to

see photos of you and your guys, not your families and friends,

wheelbarrows, get them to us and we will show some good ones later.

about we move from Guy's to pies? Just the mention of the word makes

It is a serious title holder, the best of its kind, winner of the

supreme champion at the British Pie Awards 2011. But this pie is only

available to a select few, and I have not been part of the lucky

clientele. To taste the current champion pie, I must pass through

this gate into what is to make an alien world, football. I have never

really seen the appeal of football, but to get a taste, I will have to

face the dreaded game. Because it is here at much for football club

where Graham Aimson makes his prize from scratch. -- Morecambe. So this

is the best 2010 in Britain. It is. How do you feel about that? It is

not something we expected. You are going against specialists in baking,

from posh places. Unbelievable. What is the secret to a good pie?

50% of it is the pastry, that has got to be the best pastry you can

make, then using the right ingredients. Not the cheaper end of

the meat. I am not surprised these pies win awards, because we are in

the Great Pie making county of Lancashire, but it must be a

nightmare preparing more than 1,000 highs to a high standard, all at

once on match day. Half-time, 15 minutes, and in the home stand,

that will be 1,500 people in one serving of 15 minutes. They do not

like waiting around, I get lots of messages about it. There is a very

good smell in his kitchen, pastry, meat, pie, I can't wait until half-

time. The fans of Morecambe and tonight's rivals, Rotherham United,

arrive for the match, and the pies are headed for the stands. For the

first time, I am seriously envious of football fans. This is pie

madness, serious pie action going on here! It is time for me to lend

If it doesn't come out, what is the deal? As the half-time Rush hots up,

it is clear I am more hindrance than help. What to think of the

pies? Phenomenal, no wonder they won the award, tremendous. They are

the best buys in the Football League. What makes them so special?

Tasty, delicious. It has made to the Man U are today! The fans just

As I joined them on the terraces, time to find out why. My first pie

of the match. This is a good pie, proper filling, proper chicken,

lovely pastry. Pies and football, made for each other. But could the

Lee of the pie make me a fan of the game. All you hardened football

fans do not need to worry, football was never really likely to convert

me, but I am a fan of the pie, so I may well be back, but only at half-

time. Good pie film, Jay! You have more

award-winning pies. I have are the ones which won at the Great Fish

Pie Championships which take place in April. How do get involved?

to their website, and you have to be a commercial producer. It is not

just your Andes pie, it has to be one that is commercially available,

and it has to be a full pike, pastry, bottom, side and top, not

just pastry on top. If this were Crufts, we are in the Champions'

Ring. This is the award-winning pork pie, produced down in

Leicestershire, walkers and sons. They have been producing this since

1824. We have a picture of queues around the block on Christmas Eve,

people queuing for these pies. We do have a picture, they have

decided not to show it! We have seen it! This pie, apparently, you

can see the fluted edges. fluted edges! 100% pork shoulder

and belly, really good jelly. all about the jelly. Miranda,

please. The tis very hard for you to smell them. It is one of

Britain's great gifts to the world. Just the smell, the nose and that!

That is delicious. The steak and kidney pie here, this is 10 and

sons. This was voted the best steak and kidney. It is a combination of

the flaky pastry, everyone is hand filled, so you get a perfect

balance of steak and kidney. Don't you hate a steak-and-kidney pie

with no kidney? It can ruin your day. How good is this? Really not

just I am on the television good, it is properly good! What is your

favourite? I will have to go sweet, apple-pie. Shut your face! This is

from Leicestershire as well, and it is now yours! Always fresh apples.

We know that npowers sometimes the Jay Moran do, we have a picture

there. -- we know that pies sometimes feature in Miranda.

were constant pies and cakes in the background, I was slightly offended,

because I do look like her, and you might think that she is a woman who

likes pies! That pie has been around for two and a half years.

You have got a foodie firework, what is this? This is a chocolate

bomb. We imported it from France. We have, as you will see, you may

have to put the apple pie down, because we have got bobbles for you,

because it is the BBC and we are very safety-conscious for you. I

would rather like it if he would retire behind the sofa. It is a

special effect, but you can buy these! Please do not make one at

home. The French have given us many It takes a while! It is a slow

burner. It was worse than is in rehearsal, honestly! Can it really

take 30 seconds? We have got all That was rubbish! What was that?!

Either way, in rehearsal, it did exactly the same thing. However, we

have got a hammer. We can see what is inside. Please, take a seat.

Sarkozy now has that to answer for as well, everybody! And that brings

us to the secret ingredient, sorry, that should have been in that bomb.

Over to Marty Jopson on the birth We are captivated by things that go

bang. The bigger, the better! Explosives have revolutionised both

industry and warfare, but where did it all begin? The exact date we

started blowing stuff up is lost in the mists of time, but the earliest

reference to an explosive mixture is over 1,000 years old, from

ancient China. And that was black powder. Explosives expert Dr David

Kenyon is going to explain how a subject that changed the world was

discovered by accident. -- substance. This is charcoal, I can

tell that. Silver, I am guessing. Sulphur, years. And saltpetre. So

these were the first ingredient. These were the regional ingredients

as discovered by the Chinese back in the 8th century. They were not

looking to blow stuff up when they discovered it. Their scientists

were looking for medicinal uses of chemicals. They were actually

looking for an end next year, the secret to eternal life, they mixed

all of these things together, and it blew up, and they thought, we

will use this for something else. The recipe was smuggled out of

China in the 13th century in scholastic writings. Through Arabia,

it arrived here, the Royal gunpowder Mills in Waltham Abbey in

Essex. For 300 years, it was the centre of excellence for Britain's

explosive empire, providing gun par for the Napoleonic, Crimean and

Boer wars. I am going to make the same type of explosive used back

Just like the new concoction itself, news of black powder spread like

wildfire, especially when scholars worked out the secret of making it

go bang. To 10 that fireball into an explosion, what you need to do

is contain the gunpowder. -- turn. If you contain the gunpowder at the

end of a long tube, you can use it to shoot a projectile out of the

end, like a bullet or a cannonball. Across Europe, black powder found

immediate and widespread use in just this way, hence its more

common name gunpowder. The first recorded guns and Cannon appear in

Europe than the 14th century, and gunpowder stayed in military use

until the 1800. But it was not just used in warfare, it was soon

Gunpowder, Nadir at Waltham Abbey, was one of the driving forces of

the Industrial Revolution. -- made here. It was used to create

everything from canals to railway cuttings and even sewerage systems.

Gunpowder is still used in quarrying, but today it has one

main use. Gareth Barnes runs a specialist fireworks factory, one

of the last in the UK. He makes pyrotechnics for pop concerts,

films and commercial displays, and he has offered to help me make a

custom firework. It is not like the ones you get on a high street and

includes a range of complex chemicals. Where does the stick go?

These days we fired them out of a mortar, a bit like an artillery

shell, so we put a black powder charge underneath and fire them out.

So this is going to go together like that and we will shoot the

whole thing in the air. Correct. am this is modern gunpowder. Yes,

more than milled gunpowder, very fast in comparison to the older

gunpowder. And there we go. Only OK, what do I do? Stand back so

your head is not over the tune, gently lowered it down. I think we

Cool! That was the one I made! Fireworks are my favourite use of

Very nice, very informative, as always. Miranda, for a special

secret surprise prize, guess what he is going to be talking about on

Monday. Dynamite. Excellent, you win your series in box set. There

is not a better gift. Now we can cross live to Carrie Grant, who is

about to set this guy alive in Wetherby, Yorkshire. Hello. -- to

set the sky alive. We have got the fifth annual firework display here,

and they have to be 1000 people here. Some of those pies made their

way up here. What do we reckon? don't think Chris Evans would eat

it with the burnt bits on it. is because it is a Lancashire a pie

and you are a Yorkshire man. Marty was speaking earlier about

gunpowder being over 1000 years old. We have got more sophisticated. I

wanted to chat to our expert, Martin. There will be thousands of

displays this weekend. I get scared by the rockets but it is the

sparklers that are dangerous. the humble sparkler that causes the

problem. 2000 degrees centigrade and held in a hand. That is why you

were wearing gloves. Yes. What is the most popular firework?

rocket. I hope we are going to get rockets tonight. Are we ready for

the countdown? Five, four, three, What are we seeing?, it's. How do

they get the colours? Technology, Fantastic glittering comets.

She is worth the licence fee on her own. Thank you. We have some of

your pictures. This one was sent in by Lauren and Garry Jenkins from

Birmingham. I have got a small one. This is from Ruby, seven. And this

is a tall one. The biggest Guy Fawkes we have had so far this year.

Are you going to a fireworks display? Working around the

Strictly schedule, obviously! Obviously. I am a bit scared of

fireworks, scared of an unexpected bang. How can you have an

unexpected one on Bonfire Night? They are all expected. It is not

knowing when it will go off. cannot stand the suspense. Control

freak. De you think? Well, she loves a complex. It is good

material for series 3. Nice link. Series 1 and two out on DVD. You

are working on series 3. Have you written any yet? All right! I am

starting to write it now. When? Right now. This is all fodder.

characters? Yes. I cannot give you much because I have not really

written it. It is series 3. The BBC have commissioned it, but you have

not started to write it at all. This is the nature of the beast.

And it is going from BBC Two over to BBC One. Is that pressure?

a bit, although it was pre- watershed, so it is the same show,

really. One question, will Gary be back? Gary will be back. What about

Alex, she would be great in that show. You could dance into the shop.

What else would you like to-do? could buy some things. Now, that is

funny! Alex has chosen this clip because she watches the show

religiously. This was chosen especially by Alex Jones. To mock

or belittle, nine letters. Disparage. Who are you? Last night

was great. I did it. There was one Hello. The best thing about it is

that the girls at home can identify with Miranda. Is that the most

important thing to you? Is that the inspiration? It is amazing that

anyone watches it, let alone likes it. And still bewildered by that

and it keeps me going. I did not write it with women in mind. I

tried to make it as universal as possible because I deliberately did

not want it to be a show for women as such. Do you really write it on

your own, or is there a Stephen Merchant to your Ricky Gervais?

the beginning I have two people who help with the story line, they will

be to formulate it. And at the end I have some people who do some

jokes, but mainly it is me. Aside from Miranda, you are doing serious

acting in called the midwife. have been doing the drama, thank

you. It is called call the midwife and I think it is out in January.

Look, there is me, acting. Looking serious. I have got glasses on, so

that is proper drama, that is. It is 1950s, sit in the East End,

based on memoirs of midwives at the time. I play a very posh fish out

of water character. Did you enjoy that? I loved it. If you have

ridden bicycles for Sport Relief from John o'Groats to Land's End --

Lands End. Matt is going on a rickshaw for Children In Need. Any

advice? Vaseline. A bucket, minimum! How far did you cycle?

did a relay. We did John o'Groats to Land's End but we were not all

doing all of it. Two hours on, two hours off. Can you read that?

I think your jobs are safe! This is a helmet and we have the rickshaw

challenge. Will you partake? could go top of the leaderboard

after this. Here is Jamie Crawford on how to capture the perfect

seasonal snap. Welcome to the North York Moors,

the perfect place to photograph the fantastic colours of autumn. I have

come to a remarkable landscape feature, three-quarters of a mile

across and 400 ft deep, a lot of people think it is a crater caused

by a meteorite strike. Nice idea but not the case, as Peter tells me.

This started as a fairly small valley with spring's coming out of

the sides. After heavy rainfall, the natural course of time, the

soil would have been washed away and the whole would have been

widened and deepened as a result of that spring action. This giant

landscape is absolutely fantastic and you would assume that as soon

as you take a shot of it it will turn out just as spectacular, but I

often find that if you just shoot the entire wide frame without

anything to put it into perspective, it ends up looking flat. Instead, I

tend to search out something to help to give a bit of depth to the

photograph. By using these bright yellow flowers in the foreground of

the photograph, it hopes to give some perspective. This shot,

highlighting the contrast between the autumnal shades of the giant

hole and the small yellow flowers is my first screensaver candidate.

The North York Moors Railway slices through this beautiful landscape

and it is taking me to my next location. The weather is against me

today, but the beauty of digital photography is that taking a chance

on a shot, even if the odds are stacked against you, costs nothing.

Probably best if you are photographing to take it off auto

focus, otherwise it will focus on the window and not the scenery. And

even a gamble can sometimes yield an interesting picture. Next stop,

Blakey Ridge, the highest point of the more, with James and Vicky, who

run a local bike hire company, in search not only of the lovely,

muted colours of autumn, but its glorious textures. Sometimes it is

worth mixing things up and having landscape combined with a bit of

action. Use a fast shutter speed to freeze the action. You might have

to take your camera off its auto setting to find this. This

combination of action and landscape is my second candidate for an

autumn screensaver. But for real colour and drama in autumn, you

need to be among the trees and the turning leaves. I have come to this

arboretum, with a collection of trees from around the world. I have

started with my macro lens to get some close detail. We have perfect

water droplets on the leaves to get -- with the back filled with lovely

autumn colour. And you can look beyond the leaves. The colours and

textures of autumn can be found in details like Bach and acorns. And

don't be afraid to tinker with the natural order. These rich brown

concurs are irresistible against the green foliage. I have helped

the composition of it to get a lovely shot. Sometimes you have got

to push the limits the bit to get the shot you want. Climbing this

grand old oak tree will give me a Birdseye look at the arboretum. I

am not guaranteed a great shot, but it is worth a try. I am about 40

feet up. It is a great view. I think at this point I will opt for

the One Show bum shuffle, that well-known move. It becomes mildly

nerve-racking. There are if you uncomfortable bits on this branch.

The height allows me to get some shots from an unusual perspective.

The glowing colours of the trees make autumn what it is, and this

photograph, to me, captures its magical properties. So here we are,

the three shots that best reflects this wonderful season for

photography, any of which would be ideal for an autumn screensaver.

Thanks, Jamie. You can download his autumnal screen savers from the

website. As we mentioned earlier, next week, Matt will pedal from

Edinburgh to London for Children In Need. He would love your support,

so donate to the number one screen. -- the number on screen. Can you

beat Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's time of 34 seconds? I could do 34

minutes! We have a leaderboard. Liked Top Gear. Exactly. In and out

of the cones, and then you have to pick up Pudsey. How much does the

41.61 seconds to beat Rob Brydon. 34 seconds to beat Hugh Fearnley-

Whittingstall. She has picked up Pudsey at the halfway mark. Oh, my

goodness! She is doing pretty well. In fact, she is doing very well.

She is doing unbelievably well. She has experience of cycling. She is

through the heart. Stop the clock. Stop the clock. With no cones, you

have scored 28.7 and you go top of the leaderboard. Unbelievable!

There you go. That is all for tonight. Miranda's DVDs are

available on Monday just in time for Christmas. Next week, Gary

Barlow, Sir Bruce Forsyth, Gene Simmons, Peter Jones and Neil