08/09/2011 The One Show


08/09/2011

Similar Content

Browse content similar to 08/09/2011. Check below for episodes and series from the same categories and more!

Transcript


LineFromTo

Hello and welcome to the One Show with Alex Jones and Matt Baker.

:00:24.:00:33.

I noticed I have got Gos on my top. Things you are likely to hear on a

:00:33.:00:41.

history documentary. Boudicca, to see you Boud.

:00:41.:00:46.

Mock The Week is back with a permanent but face and it is Chris

:00:46.:00:53.

Addison. A new face, what about that. A brand-new face.

:00:53.:00:59.

It is lovely to see you, Chris. I was was speaking to Rory brem nar

:00:59.:01:04.

earlier, he sends his regards. He said you were the greatest stand-up

:01:04.:01:07.

of all time. Did he say that with a straight

:01:07.:01:13.

face? He did. Do I owe him money? The most

:01:13.:01:20.

annoying thing was I only had a few minutes, but he ran me through your

:01:20.:01:26.

whole biography. We have a game called Mock The One

:01:26.:01:30.

Show later. We need to hear jokes from you at home. Yes, the subject

:01:30.:01:33.

for the jokes are birds, the seaside and the gym.

:01:33.:01:37.

Birds, the seaside and the gym. Please send them in. E-mail your

:01:37.:01:40.

jokes and all will become clear later on.

:01:40.:01:45.

Dom is here with advice on how to get out of your gym membership.

:01:45.:01:48.

you remember where you were when the horror of 9/11 started to

:01:48.:01:52.

unfold? It was an extraordinary day in Britain and it was difficult to

:01:52.:01:55.

tear yourself away from the pictures on television. For some

:01:55.:01:59.

that day holds more intense memories.

:01:59.:02:02.

I was back in the office working, sitting at my desk and somebody

:02:03.:02:09.

just came upstairs and said, "Have you heard what has happened? ". I

:02:09.:02:12.

was at the police police superintendent's annual annual

:02:12.:02:17.

conference. I was travelling on a train. I was

:02:17.:02:22.

working in my studio space in the World Trade Center. The studio was

:02:22.:02:26.

two floors below where the plane hit. As I stepped out of the

:02:26.:02:31.

elevator, there was a big blast which came down the corridor and I

:02:31.:02:35.

was thrown across the corridor and it was smoke and debris.

:02:35.:02:39.

Suddenly my mobile phone went and it wasn't Downing Street, it was my

:02:39.:02:42.

secretary son Hugh, who was -- second son Hugh, who was watching

:02:43.:02:45.

the television through a shop window.

:02:45.:02:48.

People started coming in because they were worried at what was going

:02:48.:02:57.

What I recall at the time was there was a sense of utter shock.

:02:57.:03:06.

reaction was incredit incredulity. Was this real? It was like watching

:03:06.:03:15.

a movie on TV at home. I started making my way to the fire escape.

:03:15.:03:25.

As soon as I switched the phone off, it rang again and it was the

:03:25.:03:30.

Cabinet Office. People couldn't believe what they were watching.

:03:30.:03:33.

It Australia went quiet and thinking about people they know and

:03:33.:03:39.

the devastation that was caused out there. Then I remember coming round

:03:39.:03:44.

the last block of stairs and seeing daylight coming out which was a

:03:44.:03:49.

sigh of relief and officers shouting "go, go, move, move." The

:03:49.:03:54.

sound was so loud that I looked up and saw this big cloud coming down

:03:54.:03:56.

on top. Gordon Brown was talking about the

:03:56.:04:02.

City of London and the possible attack on Canary Wharf. We believed

:04:02.:04:06.

there would be an imminent second attack in the United Kingdom.

:04:06.:04:10.

recall receiving a text from a friend of mine saying, "Worrying

:04:10.:04:15.

times. Muslims seem to be behind this." The hole atmosphere on the

:04:15.:04:20.

train began to transform. My wife pointed out that she felt that

:04:20.:04:28.

people had started to look at us and to her, a Muslim woman in a

:04:28.:04:33.

high a hijab, in a different way. I didn't think I could keep

:04:33.:04:40.

breathing. I remember feeling around and felt somebody beside me.

:04:40.:04:44.

I realised it was a fireman. I remember he put his jacket over me.

:04:44.:04:54.
:04:54.:04:57.

I want to see if that fireman made Vanessa Laurence is here with us

:04:57.:05:04.

now. Extraordinary store story of you making your way down 91 floors

:05:04.:05:07.

and we have a photograph of the moment you left the building

:05:07.:05:12.

captured by a random photographer. Tell us happened next then.

:05:12.:05:16.

From that point on, I remember staying beside the fire engine for

:05:16.:05:20.

quite a while just with that fireman and other people were

:05:20.:05:23.

coming around trying to get water that was coming out from the mire

:05:23.:05:27.

engine to clear the dust off them and everything and then another

:05:27.:05:31.

officer came by and said, "Do you want me to take you away from

:05:31.:05:36.

this?" So we just started walking away and at the same time he is

:05:36.:05:43.

trying to calm me and he is saying, "I have seen all my colleagues walk

:05:43.:05:47.

in there" the ware of us are walking away dazed. We kept on

:05:47.:05:52.

walking. People were heading towards the Brooklyn Bridge. I kept

:05:52.:05:56.

walking north. And you are from Glasgow and that

:05:56.:06:01.

photograph ended up in a Glasgow newspaper? Just randomly. All the

:06:01.:06:03.

photographs appeared of people and it happened to be in the Glasgow

:06:03.:06:10.

Heard. I wasn't back in Scotland at that point. Yeah, it was strange.

:06:10.:06:13.

So the painting that you were working on at the time. It is a

:06:13.:06:17.

beautiful piece of work. You have redone it because the original was

:06:17.:06:21.

left-back there. So this was done from memory.

:06:21.:06:26.

It was done from memory. I had a couple - I lost all my photographs

:06:26.:06:30.

and everything - but someone had given me a photograph that was from

:06:30.:06:34.

the towers and I had the top half of it, but it is done from memory,

:06:34.:06:38.

the light and everything. And this is the view out of the of

:06:38.:06:41.

the studio. It would go, it would be further

:06:41.:06:44.

West and then all the way around, east and over to Brooklyn and

:06:44.:06:50.

across. It was Amazing. Ahad a hole panorama.

:06:50.:06:55.

It must have been a painful thing to do. Why did you feel you needed

:06:55.:06:58.

to complete that picture or start it again, but finish it this time?

:06:58.:07:02.

Because I had been working on it that morning so it was important

:07:02.:07:07.

because it was an unfinished piece. All the work I had been doing in

:07:07.:07:13.

there was unfinished, but I had to carry on from where I left off.

:07:13.:07:18.

How did it feel when you completed it? It was good. I enjoyed painting

:07:18.:07:22.

it, but no, it was good and I'm glad I've done it. It is the only

:07:22.:07:26.

one I have done, but I'm glad I've done it. It is not as good as the

:07:26.:07:30.

original in my head. Nothing is as good as the original

:07:30.:07:34.

in your head, ever. Thank you for joining us. There is

:07:34.:07:38.

services up and down the country this Sunday and you can see a piece

:07:38.:07:43.

of steel work at the imperial war museum in sal sord.

:07:43.:07:48.

Ssh Salford. Now as ever, Dom has been looking

:07:48.:07:54.

through your e-mails to see if he can give you a helping hand.

:07:54.:07:58.

A lot of you have run into problems when you need to find a tradesman

:07:58.:08:02.

in a hurry. HomeServe caters for that thing and they are a one stop

:08:02.:08:09.

shop that claims to be Britain's - a number for emergency experts. A

:08:09.:08:12.

viewer got in touch because he was at the end of his tether with this

:08:12.:08:15.

company. My daughter's father-in-law and I

:08:15.:08:22.

were working in the kitchen getting rid of old paperwork when we cut

:08:22.:08:29.

into an old water feed which burst. I rang HomeServe and they wanted

:08:30.:08:33.

�215 upfront to send somebody out. The plumber that came out wasn't

:08:33.:08:36.

able to carry out the work. He didn't have the right equipment and

:08:36.:08:43.

actually made things worse bending the pipes. The first plumber

:08:43.:08:48.

claimed he was unable to fix the pipe and a team was needed.

:08:48.:08:51.

HomeServe refunded Ian the cost of the first plumber, but a second

:08:51.:08:56.

visit was more expensive. They wanted to charge me �549. The

:08:56.:08:59.

second guy came out and did what the first guy should have done,

:08:59.:09:06.

turned it off in the street, the job was done in 15 minutes.

:09:06.:09:09.

I was upset I was charged double the amount I had originally agreed

:09:09.:09:14.

to. I'm disgusted at the way they have treated me. I feel I have just

:09:14.:09:20.

been ripped off. So Dom, Ian tried to contact

:09:20.:09:24.

HomeServe? Yes, first of all he tried phoning and then he wrote to

:09:24.:09:30.

the customer services and attempted to write to the CEO, he got no

:09:30.:09:36.

reply. He contacted us and we contacted HomeServe. They sent us a

:09:36.:09:42.

statement. They said they have offered an apology for Mr Skinner's

:09:42.:09:46.

unacceptable experience and they are offering a full refund and

:09:46.:09:49.

compensate him for his inconvenience. They say the first

:09:49.:09:52.

plumber had been dismissed by the company for failing to meet their

:09:52.:09:56.

quality standards. They have changed their pricing now. And for

:09:56.:10:02.

that service that Ian received they have dropped the price from �549 to

:10:02.:10:08.

�250. Ian has accepted the apology and the compensation came through,

:10:08.:10:11.

�50 and he got a bunch of flowers today.

:10:11.:10:18.

Did he? What a lot of people need to do, have a list of numbers and

:10:18.:10:21.

put them on the back of a door of who to call, an electrician,

:10:21.:10:27.

plumber, anyone like that in an emergency. Know where your stopcock

:10:27.:10:31.

is. Trades people, when you see them on these federation sites and

:10:31.:10:34.

trade bodies, they are paid up members. It doesn't guarantee their

:10:34.:10:40.

work will be good. Do your own checks on whoever you call up.

:10:40.:10:50.
:10:50.:10:50.

Do you do any DIY, Chris? No. No, Do you know where your stopcock is.

:10:50.:10:58.

No. My wife does all of that stuff. There are two options, I can do the

:10:58.:11:05.

DIY and she can watch me and we will start doing it and I can

:11:06.:11:08.

pretend I was going to do something else in the first place.

:11:08.:11:12.

We are moving on to the gym now. It is about people who join gyms and

:11:12.:11:16.

don't use them. A lot of people we stop going, we

:11:17.:11:22.

stop hitting the treadmill, but the contracts keep on running.

:11:22.:11:26.

I had to end my contract with an illness and to have to pay three

:11:26.:11:33.

months, I thought was a bit... asked them if I could leave. They

:11:33.:11:37.

charged me for the last month and didn't let me stop my contract and

:11:37.:11:41.

I had to wait for a year and had to get parental consent.

:11:41.:11:45.

When I went away this summer, I wanted to postpone my contract, but

:11:45.:11:49.

you have to cancel for a month in event. I went at the end of July to

:11:49.:11:56.

cancel and they said if I want to cancel now, I would still pay until

:11:56.:12:01.

the end of August. I came from Cardiff to London and

:12:01.:12:08.

they didn't have that chain of gym here. I had to pretend that a

:12:08.:12:12.

family member died. It is such a hassle and lots of us

:12:12.:12:16.

have run into this problem. The Office of Fair Trading went to

:12:16.:12:18.

the High Court and they asked for action against unfair contracts. We

:12:18.:12:22.

have had a lot of complaints. The gyms had a lot of complaints as

:12:22.:12:29.

well. Now there was, the case they took to court was about a company

:12:29.:12:30.

called Ashbourne Management Services. The High Court ruling

:12:30.:12:36.

ruled that the contracts were unfair. Therefore, unenforceble and

:12:36.:12:42.

that opens up the floodgates. Go to your gym. Don't go to the High

:12:42.:12:46.

Court, have a chat with your gym and see if they let you out of the

:12:46.:12:51.

contract. There might be a small penalty. If you can't get anywhere,

:12:51.:12:56.

ring Consumer Direct. Always go to the gym first and give them a

:12:56.:13:00.

chance to resolve the situation. Great.

:13:00.:13:08.

When we told Marty Jopson to don't his wetsuit.

:13:08.:13:13.

We sent him to a less tropical surfing Mecca.

:13:13.:13:19.

Waves are fascinating, beautiful things, just the sound of them is

:13:19.:13:22.

mesmerising. They are a vivid demonstration of nature's power,

:13:22.:13:26.

moving across the oceans day and night, constantly changing in shape

:13:26.:13:31.

and size, but if you wanted to find the perfect wave, where would you

:13:31.:13:38.

go? Well, I was told the answer was here, at the very top of Scotland.

:13:38.:13:44.

But you know what, the sea is as smooth as a baby's bottom. It is

:13:44.:13:50.

cold as well. But usually the waves look like

:13:50.:13:57.

this. They are so good that every year Thurso hosts international

:13:58.:14:05.

surfing competition. For surfers these waves can rival the best of

:14:05.:14:10.

what of Hawaii and Australia. Sam lives in Cornwall, but prefers

:14:10.:14:20.
:14:20.:14:21.

So this is where you get the perfect wave in Britain? British

:14:21.:14:26.

surfing mecca, that is Thurso. makes the wave perfect? For me, I

:14:26.:14:31.

like a 6 ft wave with a steep face, a long-running war and a bit of

:14:31.:14:36.

variety. And that is what you get here? Yes. One of the things that

:14:36.:14:40.

makes it so good for waves is its location. Waves are created when

:14:40.:14:45.

the wind blows across the surface of the ocean. The waves that reach

:14:45.:14:48.

the first so start hundreds of miles away out in the North

:14:48.:14:52.

Atlantic Ocean, with great big storms. That is one of the reasons

:14:52.:14:59.

why they are so good. It is clear ocean the whole way. At their peak,

:14:59.:15:04.

they can reach heights of 20 feet. But what is actually going on out

:15:04.:15:09.

at sea before they reached the beach? You might think it is just a

:15:09.:15:13.

moving mound of water. That is what it looks like. So if I was to take

:15:13.:15:17.

his boat and put it in the water, it would surf all away to the end

:15:17.:15:25.

of the tank. Right? But that is not what happens. It just goes up and

:15:25.:15:29.

down. And that is the same for the water molecules in the wave. They

:15:29.:15:35.

are not moving forwards so much as just going up and down. In fact,

:15:35.:15:39.

the only thing moving forward with the wave is the energy, the energy

:15:39.:15:44.

that powers the complex motion of billions of water molecules. The

:15:44.:15:51.

moving Mounds of water are just an illusion. But when the waves

:15:51.:15:54.

approach the shoreline, their behaviour changes. As the water

:15:54.:15:58.

becomes more shallow, the bottom of the wave travels more slowly than

:15:58.:16:05.

the top, making the waves curl and break. Exactly how it breaks

:16:05.:16:10.

depends on the shape of the sea bed. The reason that the waves break so

:16:10.:16:14.

perfectly here is that underneath the water is a smooth, sloping

:16:14.:16:19.

sheet of rock. We have waves coming from the north-west and at certain

:16:19.:16:23.

points on the coast line you get a reef like this, dipping to the sea

:16:23.:16:26.

at the right angle and the right direction to make a perfect wave

:16:26.:16:31.

for surfing, which can break out at the point and can peel along the

:16:31.:16:35.

rocker very slowly. At high tide, when the waves are here, where are

:16:35.:16:41.

they? This is low tide. When the tide moves up, the waves are

:16:41.:16:46.

breaking right where we are standing. What depth are we

:16:46.:16:51.

talking? It is about six feet deep here, with the wave breaking on top

:16:51.:16:59.

of your head. Thurso's location means that it gets powerful swell

:16:59.:17:02.

generated by Ocean storms hundreds of miles away and its underwater of

:17:03.:17:07.

reef reaches into the sea at just the right angle. It has all the

:17:07.:17:11.

ingredients for the perfect wave, just not today. Where are the

:17:11.:17:19.

waves? Bring them on! He has got the hair for it. You are

:17:19.:17:22.

joining Mock The Week when it comes back tonight on BBC Two, as a

:17:23.:17:27.

permanent face. We have a picture of the original line-up. Andy

:17:27.:17:32.

Parsons, Hugh Dennis and Dara O'Briain. And here is the line-up

:17:32.:17:37.

now. The question we are asking is, where were you hiding, because that

:17:37.:17:45.

is the first one and that is the second one. Are you an optician? I

:17:45.:17:49.

was hiding behind Dara. He is quite big and I am fairly slender. That

:17:49.:17:54.

is how we get into the cinema together. I have been on the show

:17:54.:18:00.

for eight series but I have been behind him! On Mock The Week, we

:18:00.:18:05.

had a debate earlier, how much do you really improvise? How much do

:18:05.:18:11.

we improvise? Everyone has seen the news. You think about the news and

:18:11.:18:15.

you have ideas coming into your head. But the best bits are always

:18:15.:18:19.

the bits where something happens in the room and one of us says

:18:19.:18:22.

something and somebody builds on that and it goes back and forth and

:18:22.:18:27.

everybody chips in. The best thing last series was when Dara foolishly

:18:27.:18:31.

brought in an article from an Irish newspaper about how people with

:18:31.:18:36.

large heads are less likely to suffer from Alzheimer's. Using him

:18:36.:18:41.

as an example of someone with a big head. He expected sympathy and he

:18:41.:18:45.

got six lines of put down and then he gave us a massive slam dunk of a

:18:45.:18:48.

put-down at the end. That is the best kind of thing, when something

:18:48.:18:52.

starts to take off in the room. It is the improvised bits that make

:18:52.:18:59.

the show. This is actually from tonight's show. This is you having

:18:59.:19:06.

a joke on the wife situation. the local news there was this girl

:19:06.:19:10.

who said, I heard they were going to smash Primark, so I went to have

:19:10.:19:14.

a look. I only went to have a look but I did not going because I am

:19:14.:19:24.

banned from Primark. That is what we need, law abiding looters.

:19:24.:19:28.

well as Mock The Week, you have a new tour starting in November. Had

:19:28.:19:36.

you written it? No, leave me alone! Yes, I have started writing it. I

:19:36.:19:40.

did the first new material last week. This is the terrifying bit.

:19:40.:19:44.

People always say, I do not know how you stand on stage. That is

:19:44.:19:48.

easy. The hard bit is sitting there going, what am I going to talk

:19:48.:19:53.

about? Sometimes I see the posters of my show. You have to get it

:19:53.:20:00.

sorted out ages in advance. I see the poster and I think, shut up!

:20:00.:20:06.

Where do you start? I always do exactly the same thing. I sit in my

:20:06.:20:11.

shed, my office at the bottom of my garden. I go, what is funny, leaves,

:20:11.:20:16.

gardens? But you read the paper and as soon as you know you have to

:20:16.:20:20.

make jokes about something, you start to go, is this funny? Why

:20:20.:20:26.

would this be funny? You get into the mentality. You have a new show,

:20:26.:20:33.

Show & Tell, when people bring things in. I brought this in today.

:20:33.:20:42.

Today was my little boy's first day at school. And this is his. So just

:20:42.:20:48.

before he went in, you went, I will be needing that! He went in wearing

:20:48.:20:54.

a clip on one today. Did you take a photo? It is his first day at

:20:54.:21:01.

school and he is wearing this! Is it a posh school? Before I dropped

:21:01.:21:04.

him off at school, I went to see David Walliams and offer him some

:21:04.:21:12.

words of encouragement at the River Thames in Oxfordshire. He is coming

:21:12.:21:18.

over. I don't want to break the rhythm. Give me a kiss, you naughty

:21:18.:21:23.

boy. You are just incredible. What is going through your mind and how

:21:23.:21:27.

are you feeling? Yesterday was really tough because I had a

:21:27.:21:31.

stomach bug. There is one thing you do not want to do when you're

:21:31.:21:35.

feeling sick, and that is to swim. Are you joining us for lunch?

:21:35.:21:40.

I will need a bit of a rub down because I am very sore. There he

:21:40.:21:46.

goes, straight back into it. I have done you bangers and mash. In your

:21:46.:21:51.

own mind, do you think you're going to do it? Maybe not by Monday, but

:21:51.:21:55.

at some point in the next decade. Is it harder than you thought?

:21:55.:21:59.

is hard to keep your head together because as soon as you think, it is

:21:59.:22:02.

cold, I am tired, I want to get out, you are letting your mind rule

:22:03.:22:08.

everything. You have to work in quite a lot of pain. In that action,

:22:08.:22:12.

thousands and thousands of times a day, for eight days straight, it is

:22:12.:22:19.

really tough. I have to give you a massage before we go. You have a

:22:19.:22:29.
:22:29.:22:29.

lovely touch! I have dreamed of this moment!

:22:29.:22:34.

You were having a bit of a moment with him there. A massage, a kiss

:22:34.:22:39.

on the lips. There is not going to be a late night repeat with a

:22:39.:22:47.

little bit more for the ladies! Let's get back to the serious thing

:22:47.:22:53.

of raising money. David has raised �357,000 so far but he still needs

:22:53.:22:56.

your help. There is a text number on the website to donate and it

:22:56.:23:01.

could not be easier. We also want messages of support to give to him

:23:01.:23:05.

on Monday when he comes in. Send them to us and we will pass them on.

:23:05.:23:10.

When I heard that our photographer Jimmy Crawford was trying to take

:23:10.:23:13.

photos of birds having a bath, I thought we would have to get Dom

:23:13.:23:21.

Littlewood to sort him out. Don't worry, it is not what you think!

:23:21.:23:25.

British gardens are full of sites to lift the heart, and few more so

:23:25.:23:30.

than the Blur and splash of birds taking a bath. Most birds baith to

:23:30.:23:34.

help keep feathers in tip-top condition. The problem is, you

:23:34.:23:38.

cannot normally see the detail of what is actually happening because

:23:38.:23:43.

it is so fast and blurred. So today I am hoping to catch birds bathing

:23:43.:23:48.

in all their glory with high-speed photography. As most garden birds

:23:48.:23:52.

are small and nippy, I'm going to get my eye Ian with a much bigger

:23:52.:24:02.
:24:02.:24:05.

and hope for the Co-operative I am using a shutter speed of about

:24:05.:24:08.

eight hundredths of a second which should show the tiny drops of water

:24:08.:24:12.

without blurring. A little bit over exposed but we do have a shaking

:24:12.:24:21.

dog. English summer. Lovely! I am reasonably pleased with the shots,

:24:21.:24:25.

but birds will be a very different ball game. I am going to need some

:24:25.:24:33.

help. And better weather! Perfect. Kim Taylor has helped me with

:24:33.:24:37.

several fantastic photos in the past, and in his front garden he

:24:37.:24:44.

has everything I need. This is a clever flash system which means

:24:45.:24:49.

that the action is shot at a minute 10 thousandth of a second, very

:24:49.:24:55.

artfully. If you just use one or two flash heads, you get hard

:24:55.:24:59.

shadows. The idea here is that we have four, so we get an impression

:25:00.:25:06.

of natural lighting. Can I burst of a few photos one after the other?

:25:06.:25:10.

Unfortunately not, because the flash takes six seconds to recycle.

:25:10.:25:13.

You have to choose your moment, take your shot and then wait before

:25:13.:25:18.

you can do another one. photography side is understandable.

:25:18.:25:22.

We have a lot of flashers ready because it is very fast action. I

:25:22.:25:26.

am going to be hidden behind a screen waiting for it to kick-off.

:25:26.:25:29.

When the birds fly down, test the temperature of the water, it is

:25:29.:25:34.

nice and warm, I think I do have a bath, they splash, I hit fire, and

:25:34.:25:39.

the flashes go off and we have an amazing photo. At least, that is

:25:39.:25:43.

the theory! Birds tend to use bird baths after a dry spell. Given the

:25:43.:25:48.

weather, it could be tricky. I am hoping we might get some fledgling

:25:48.:25:58.
:25:58.:25:58.

blue tits, some chaffinch, some siskins maybe. Who knows? For the

:25:58.:26:03.

first hour, any birds are just drinking. But even that is

:26:03.:26:13.
:26:13.:26:17.

difficult. They are easily spooked, so I need to be quick. Splash,

:26:17.:26:26.

splash in the water. Nice detail on the water, but for the next three

:26:26.:26:35.

hours, at nothing. In spite of all this technology, it is really

:26:35.:26:45.
:26:45.:27:14.

Yes! Yes! Yes! Result! Result. I waited for a long time, about 4 1/2

:27:14.:27:20.

hours. Your flash system delivered fantastically well. It is a really

:27:20.:27:24.

nice shot. You can see he is flicking the water up with his

:27:24.:27:30.

wings and you can see every drop coming off. Beautiful. We now have

:27:30.:27:35.

some fantastic photographs of birds bathing.

:27:35.:27:39.

In honour of Mock The Week, returning to BBC Two tonight with

:27:39.:27:44.

Chris as a permanent face, we have a little game of our own. Yes, it

:27:44.:27:49.

is time for Mock The One Show. We asked for jokes based on today's

:27:49.:27:54.

show. Chris, do you have your laughter and booing at the ready?

:27:54.:28:02.

What is the first topic? The first topic is the gym. I saw a man lying

:28:03.:28:07.

on the floor in the gym and he was kissing a shrimp. I said, what are

:28:07.:28:17.
:28:17.:28:17.

you doing? He said, I have pulled a muscle. I went to my local gym to

:28:17.:28:23.

sign up for yoga class. They asked me, how flexible are you? I replied,

:28:23.:28:33.
:28:33.:28:35.

I can't make Tuesday's. The new topic is birds. A dog walks into a

:28:35.:28:39.

pharmacy. He buys a chap stick. Visas to the clerk, will that be

:28:39.:28:49.
:28:49.:28:50.

cash or change? He says, just put it on my bill. The seaside.

:28:50.:28:54.

You would hear from the fray while, I am being investigated for

:28:54.:29:04.
:29:04.:29:09.

stealing seaside inflatables. I got a lilo. I've got to lie low!

:29:09.:29:13.

Download Subtitles

SRT

ASS