14/03/2017 The One Show

Hello and welcome to The One Show with Matt Baker...

And, sitting on our sofa, someone who doesn't think we should

Judging by past performances, there's no way that tonight's guest

will be anything other than gloriously, absurdly silly...

Lets get on with the show. He is creepy. It is sausage clock.

I had never seen any of that because I was in it. It was funny with Gary

and Lord Sugar. He loved every minute of that! This is your tenth

appearance on the show. There must be a prize! Unfortunately no

sausages involved. But you have brought this button. I will go along

with the charade! You asked us to get it, carry on. It is not for Red

Nose Day, this is what I use on my new ITV show Alien Fun Capsule. The

idea is if I see something funny I press the button and it is

transferred into the alien Bob Capshaw. I was asked by a world

government sometime ago -- Alien Fun Capsule. To collect all the funniest

stuff I could find to put it into a capsule in case we are invaded by

Lian and then I could show them that we are fun to hang out with. That is

the concept of the show, I admit it is wafer thin. We like it! So thin

that you could smoke it. We thought we would recreate it tonight.

Anything you find funny that could go into the Fun Capsule just pressed

the buzzer at any point in time. I love the idea. Do something funny!

Do not put me on the spot! It should be spontaneous. Well hopefully

people at home will not be pressing any buttons and staying with us.

More interesting than funny. You just get settled in.

Buying and moving into a new home is a stressful time -

mortgages, solicitors, surveys, moving vans and the rest.

So you might think a brand-spanking new-build property

Probably heard the UK is in the middle of a housing crisis with the

government claiming 1 million new homes must be built by 2020. But

some people say the push to build new homes in quantity is resulting

in a drop in quality. Last month one of the U:K.'s biggest house-builders

Bovis Homes announced it was setting aside ?7 million to fix problems

with some of its homes. The people that own the homes are so angry

about their shoddily built dwellings that they have done what angry

people do these days. They started a Facebook group.

Almost 3000 customers have been posting complaints about cracked

roofs, damp ceilings and even wonky walls. Danny Moffat is one of the

Facebook campaigners. In 2014 the former Royal Marine bought his

?600,000 home in Surrey. We ploughed all of my pension from the Royal

Marines into this home. It was supposed to be the forever home, all

the extras included and unfortunately they have been a lot

of extras we were not including. Most new bills come with a snagging

list, an inventory of jobs that the builder must come back to fix. In

the case of Danny is less of a list and more a catalogue of disaster.

We probably identified 1000 snags. As you go into the master bedroom

the floor sinks to the centre. The downstairs toilet was blocked. They

realised the pipe was the wrong size and that led to the back wall being

damp and the whole dining room floor had to be taken up. It is a bit like

everyday is a school day every day is a snagging day when you buy a

Bovis Home. Stewart from Bedford also bought his Bovis Home in 2014

but for the past three years his biggest problem has been keeping out

the cold. Talk to me about the practicalities of living here. Even

with the heating on and radiators blazing we have like a Siberian wind

blowing across the floor. If we are sitting here doing anything we have

to wear a thick jumper and thermal socks. Stewart complained to Bovis

Homes but it fell on deaf ears so he shelled out for a thermal imaging

survey of his home. Everything should be roughly the same orange

colour and you can see in every corner of every room there is some

area of missing installation. In a statement a spokesperson for Bovis

Homes said that the firm recognised that there had been customer service

issues at some locations. They said they are changing as a business,

slowing overall building rates. They had while the majority of customers

are happy, they're committed to making things right by homeowners

who have reported issues to them. But when it comes to house-builders

it is not just Bovis Homes who are letting customers down. Paul Higgins

is chief executive at the homeowners Alliance. There is some great

house-builders are out there who are selling to customers for life and

they take part in the work and want to get things done but sadly other

house-builders who at the expense of quantity, quality is Bing, mice.

There is a lack of consumer protection buying a new home. When

you buy a new car you can return it but you cannot return home. The

government has set a target of new homes that must be built by 2020.

But what is it doing to protect people moving into those homes.

Oliver Caldwell MP chairs and All Party Parliamentary Group on Iran

bill. Last year he commissioned a report calling for house-builders to

be held to account. You recommended an ombudsman for new homes back in

July last year and we have not got one. The government has got to look

at it as to whether or not that is except a way of going for. We will

hope we will have a response in the autumn or by the end of the year

certainly. So Bovis Homes have committed ?7 million nationwide,

what can you do to make sure that they fulfil their commitment and put

things right? I think it is an indication they realised there is an

issue and they've got to do something about it. We had to make

sure there is legislation and strictures in place which are going

to deliver good quality builds. So Oliver thinks it is time for some

action. A bit worrying then that is made of American government have not

included his ideas in their big housing plan. Of course none of this

will come as any comfort to you if you are currently sitting in a

lounge of your new-build home with the breeze coming in under the

skirting boards. Watching television with Harry Hill

is like watching television with the constant running commentary! I'm

still making TV Burp but just for the kids and family at home! We all

shout at the telly. Let's talk about this Alien Fun Capsule. Bagging all

the things that could potentially delight aliens, anything funny. But

it is an interesting concept. If aliens were watching British

television right now, what do you think they would be thinking, would

they be enjoying it? I think they would be putting the One Show into

their Fun Capsule. There's a lot of strange stuff on at the moment on

TV. My family, I have three girls, they loved to watch don't tell the

bride and say yes to the dress. You have a guy arranging the wedding and

the girl saying oh no, what has he done! But you agree to be part of

the show! It should not be complete surprise that he organised the whole

thing in an Indian takeaway! But as you said, with the aliens, they

would be watching from light years away. So it would be very old

programmes. You different guests each week. It is a panel show.

Basically I pitched the show to ITV and had various ideas but they said

we would like a panel show. ITV does not really have a panel show. I have

never even been on one let alone be the host and I do not particularly

like them! So I have the panel. And what do you ask them? Well, not

much! The idea originally was they would come in with funny stuff but

it ended up with me just showing them stuff and as all laughing. But

a lot of it is me taking the Mickey. Judith Chalmers was on the show, the

veteran broadcaster of course. Let's just have a look. Here we go.

Wish you were here! Hello, Judith, I wish you were here! Not in a bad

way. I was just making a comment about the theme of Judith and her

show. It's came across as you taking an instant dislike! I love it! We

need a trumpet. It took a long time to learn that. Months of rehearsal.

You also have regular rounds. One of them involves local news headlines.

We've got our audience in tonight to help us explain. So when you're

ready a bit of music and off you go. Large lorry negotiates tight bend.

Comfortable mother in custard shortage. I'm not dead says

grandmother. Early customers find booths closed. New footbath gate is

too noisy. Thank you very much. So where did this start? Local news

round-up is what we think. You see these headlines on boards outside

newsagents. So we went to get as many as we could. I think we do for

five each week. And they're all true. Those are true. Completely

real stories. Do you have a favourite? I do like the custard

story. With double mother in custard shortage. I'm a big fan but stubble.

That could go in Fun Capsule. Let's stick with it.

Harry Hill's Alien Fun Capsule continues Thursday, 8.30pm, ITV.

"Stressed dog goes grey" could easily be another

funny headline on Harry's local news round-up.

But according to a new study, it's a real, serious and widespread

problem for many dogs and their owners.

Silver hairs, many of us discover them sooner than we would like.

Normally the hallmark of age and maturity is often said also to be

the tell-tale sign of stress. Could high-pressure jobs be to blame? We

do know premature greying can be caused by genetics, disease and

damage to the skin. But surprisingly there is little evidence that stress

or anxiety gives us silver hairs. The science is still a bit of a grey

area. So we were intrigued to hear about a

study that claim to find the connection not with humans but in

dogs. New research carried out by a group

of universities in the USA found that there could be a link between

dogs with prematurely grey fur and anxiety. Using a sample of 400 young

dogs aged under four years old researchers took photographs of

their mothers. The dogs were rated on a silver scale from no grey fur

to a full grey nose. The study found the more likely the dog was to be

nervous or show impulsive behaviour the more grey hairs they had. To

find out what can make dogs anxious I meeting with behaviourist and

trainer Louise and her dog Fred. Hello, Fred how you doing. I noticed

he has some grey in his muscle. You must be interested in the study. It

is fascinating, dogs can go grey because of genetics and more breeds

are more prone to it. I've noticed a lot of younger rescued dogs that

looked older than their years. Fred is a good example. He's just five

years old. I took on last year. He had grave error before we got him.

And you believe it be stressed related. I think there could be a

link because he had a rocky start to life. You would not imagine a dog

like this, a great Dane, to be nervous. He gets anxious? I would

say he definitely arrived with some kind of anxious tendencies. We're

working on that. Let's take for a walk.

For Fred a city walk like this can be stressful. Traffic.

Strangers. And children shouting all put him on

edge. But for Louise this is only part of

the story. There are other subtler signs of stress to look out for. It

can be yawning. Lip licking. You can get ears going back, the tail

underneath. You can find some dogs will do displacement activity, so

they can be going towards something and start sniffing the ground as a

way of avoiding things. There's a lot of things but it's about putting

them all together. Louise is gradually training Fred to cope. She

keeps an eye on his subtle cues and posture. If something makes him

nervous she uses a command to tell him they're changing direction. In

this way, Fred has learned to trust Louise and stay calm even when

something worries him. I think it's about not forcing them into a

situation. I never wanted to push him into something, I never wanted

to make him do something. Understanding a dog's stress signs

and what causes them can help owners build their dog's confidence and

ultimately reduce anxiety. There's still lots more research to

be done but understanding what changes the hair colour in dogs

could one day help us understand what makes us go grey. In the

meantime, recognising those signs of anxiety in our four-legged friends

and knowing how to keep them happy could only be a good thing.

Good boy! Well, thanks, Patrick. As you can

see, Fred is now here on The One Show. Live, he continues to make

great progress overcoming his nerves. Louise who we saw in the

film feels this is the right time for him to make his debut on live

television. He is incredibly relaxed. How has it gone getting him

here? He's done well. We had time to familiarise himself with the studio,

that was part of it, getting used to it, knowing he would be all right to

come in. No stage fright at all. I wish I had done the same thing! He

has a new friend. He does. He has make a first dog friend, a dog

called Crocus. What do they do? They go out for walks. Of course. When

one sniffs the other one does, when one stops the other stops. A bit of

running around together. Listen, Harry, we know you love sausages and

you love dogs. We have a great opportunity if you want to take this

opportunity, you can potentially feed Fred. Open wide, Louise! Sorry,

the dog. Not me. Fred, do you want a sausage, come on, Fred! He is a

gentle giant. Thank you to you both. Come and see us again, Fred, keep us

updated with the progress and how it's going. All right. Dave, we need

more sausages! Get the frying pan on. Now Red Nose

Day is fast approaching and it's time to get involved. We are not

asking for money today, though. We need your laughs. Giggles, chuckles

and chortles. Details will be along shortly. First, here is some

hilarious inspiration. # Come up and see me, make me

smile... It's so infectious. Can you compete with that lot? Comic Relief

want to celebrate Britain's best laugh, if you or someone you know

has a brilliant laugh film it on your phone and make sure it is this

way, please. Landscape. Not this way, portrait. Yes, please send in a

quick video to our usual address. We will show some of our favourite

laughs on The One Show next week. Now, Harry, we have got some laughs

for you right now. The question is what are these

people laughing at that you are about to see. I see, it's a quiz.

First, this presenter in Australia having an unprofessional moment.

What are they laughing at? LAUGHTER

We have options for you. OK. Is he laughing at his co-host falling

over, Donald Trump or a grumpy cat? Cats are always funny. I am going to

say grumpy cat. Let's have a look. It is a grumpy cat!

Grumpy cat. Fred is laughing too. OK. On to the next one. Let's look

at the next one. This little baby.

Now, is this baby laughing at a snoring dog, a bowl of baked beans

or a bald man with big collars on the telly? It can't be the last one.

Baked beans. Let's find out. It's you! Lastly, this is from our

show. Chatting to Dawn French in 2010. What was Dawn laughing at

here? A dancing Daleka rude cake or Gyles Brandreth?

It's got to be a rude cake. With Dawn. Let's find out.

It is a rude cake! Very good. Two out of three ain't

bad. Mike's here tonight. He wants to make it into the alien fun

capsule, after all he and Harry had lots in common, not just the

obvious. Harry loves all things weird. We could be brothers. You

could. Mike has been on the track of a slithery cove cropping up in

unexpected places. The tranquil waters of this lake are

rich in aquatic life, from frogs and fish, to newts, the perfect prey for

an animal you wouldn't normally associate with water, a long, smooth

olive green predator, the grass snake. But there is a lot more to a

grass snake than simply being, well, a snake in the grass.

Personally I think the grass snake is one of the most poorly named

animals in Britain. Most people would assume that only found on dry

land, in amongst grass. But probably a much better name would be water

snake. And I want to show you why.

But the problem is finding one. The best chance of a sighting should

be on a sunny morning, just like this.

At the moment they'll have just come out and will be basking underneath

that heat. They don't have ears but detect sound through vibrations in

the ground, so my voice won't disturb them but I have to trod

softly. For several hours, nothing. But just as we were about to give

up, whilst the camera was pointing in another direction, it happened.

This is a really exciting and frustrating in equal measure, our

cameraman has just had a grass snake swim past his feet but it's

disappeared. It seems to have gone under there. All we can do is sit

and wait. Got it!

It's a very, very long snake. That's got to be a metre 20. Making it a

female, the females are generally longer. A lily pad is the perfect

place for a rest. While tasting the air for the scent of prey. I have

never seen one swimming as well as that, that's sensational.

The best views I have ever had of grass snake, but I want to find out

how it swims so well. It means getting a much closer look

in more controlled surroundings. I am only handling this marvellous

beast here with a special permission of the good folk here. It let's me

show you why a grass snake is a grass snake. For me the key feature

is that yellow collar behind its head. They get a really close-up

view of its eye, the pupil is round, not like a vertical cat's eye pupil

but I am not here to look into its eyes, I am here to look at its

aquatic skills so we have set up a snake swimming pool. Under water and

slow motion cameras will allow us to film it in action. Right, it's the

moment of truth. Time to see how our swimmer gets on in the specially

rigged tank. Here we go!

Oh! Look at that! Powering away with the S-shaped

curves. Slow motion reveals how the snake swims forward. With each turn

its body acts like a paddle, pushing the water back to propell the snake

forward. Its stream-lined body glides through

the water. Strong muscles keep its head raised

well above the surface. On the look out for predators and

prey. Grass snakes really are perfectly

adapted for an aquatic lifestyle. So next time you take a stroll along

the water's edge, see if you can spot one of these skilful serpents

swimming silently past. Isn't that a beautiful film? Thank

you, Mike. Harry, it will come as no surprise to you that the grass snake

is not a great name for that particular animal, because all

afternoon you have been busy for us. Mike, pick it up from here. We gave

you animal names that were slightly ridiculous and weird and asked you

to draw what you thought they were. The first one was mountain chicken.

I have drawn this, right. He is up a mountain. I like it. His beak is

brightly coloured so that a plane won't hit him. Quite fat. He stays

nice and warm up there. Accuracy, one. It's actually a frog. The

largest frog in the Caribbean Islands. It lives up mountains and

apparently tastes like chickens. It's disappearing fast. What is

next? The next one is a... You tell us. You said it's a killdeer.

Poisoned horns, it's got a helicopter landing pad. That's

brilliant. That bit is remarkably accurate. Actually, it's not.

Killdeer is not a killer deer and it's not a killer of deer. It's

actually a north American mid-sized bird. One more. The Hickory Horned

Devil. I am afraid it's a caterpillar from the north-east

American forest. It's jumbo-sized, about the size of a hot-dog. It has

amazing tips like a horned devil and it is utterly harmless. There you

go. A huge round of applause for Harry. When Harry has more time this

is what he can produce. Harry is hoping to get into the Royal Academy

of Art, with this. His version of Monarch of the Glen. Stunning. We

wish you all the best. Mike, thank you so much. Wonderful. That's your

lot tonight. A big thank you to Harry Hill!

Alien Fun Capsule continues on Thursday 8pm on ITV. Tomorrow we

have a stellar line-up, we will be joined by the stars of a new film

Life, Rebecca Ferguson and how old A lister Jake Gyllenhall. Sheena

Easton will be making an entrance with 42 tap dancers. See you then.