19/12/2011 The One Show

Hello and welcome to the programme. Tonight, a funnyman who either

regularly changes his mind, or has been telling a few porky pies.

Right here, in my favourite city of the more, it's Birmingham! Right

here, in my favourite city of the more, it's Edinburgh! Glasgow! It's

Belfast! It's Swansea! My favourite city of them all, it's Sunderland!

Well, he's definitely our favourite guest, it's Michael McIntyre!

you very much. So, Michael, it's time to be honest to the people of

Britain - which is your favourite city? I'm relatively fickle, you

can probably sense that, but I would like to say factually, that

you're my favourite One Show presenters of them all? And there

has been a few. That's good enough for us. Speaking of good results,

did you see Strictly at the weekend? If yes, I have not been

watching the series, I just watched your dancers, obviously. Was that

your favourite? Of course. We have to say, congratulations to the

lovely Harry Judd for winning. And we noticed, Michael, you're quite

nimble on your feet. A lot of skipping goes on in your show us.

Yes, this was in reference to a joke that I did, but people think I

do this all the time. It's the hands and the legs, it's my

favourite! I have never seen a montage like this put together.

Coming up, in honour to your skipping, we have got the GB senior

skipping team. When you have a go later? I will do anything you want

me to do. Is this a real tree? First, it is a perennial problem

for prisons - you lock-up a criminal, they serve their sentence,

but sooner or later, they are back inside again. Simon Boazman looks

at a scheme which aims to reduce reoffending. Does prison work? It

is a question politicians, even on the same party, cannot agree on.

Too often, prison has proved costly and ineffectual. Prison works.

if you had to put money on what type of prison regime was most

effective, what would you choose? At this jail, it is not just a

policy question, it affect the bottom line. If Doncaster prison

does not get results, the person that runs it loses money. If the

prison does not reduce reoffending rates by 5%, it is going to lose

10% of its yearly budget, around �2 million. The reoffending rate here

is 65% for short-term prisoners, and 42% for those sentenced to more

than a year. The governor says prison has to be more than just a

deterrent. Predominantly, we deliver basic numeracy and literacy

levels for prisoners. Generally, they come in here with very low

levels of literacy and numeracy. The prison has pledged to reduce

the number of prisoners who go on to commit crimes once they have

left. The focus is on rehabilitation and support. People

become involved in crime for a number of reasons. Part of our job

is to find out exactly what it is that has got them to this point.

What do you do on a practical level? We have an extensive range

of things. I have local sports teams helping me with coaching

offenders. I have nationally recognised organisations helping me

to deliver a theatre and film making courses. Employment and

training are also big issues. prisoners we spoke to all had good

things to say. What are you in for? Burglary and deception. People

should be given the chance to change their ways. If you just lock

people away, there is no Rehabilitation at all. People turn

around and be nasty and start resenting prison officers. As well

as doing music, I have done a lot of other skills, such as drama, and

editing films, so this time, when I get out, I have got something.

another part of this all-male prison, I came across something I

did not expect to see. The prison seize keeping relationships with

family as an important thing. in here for two-and-a-half years,

so he will be free by the time I have got out. Obviously I have

never changed him, fed him, bathed him. He would be like a stranger.

Missing out on all of that, I could never do it again, ever. We have

met prisoners with their kids, and doing role and editing. It is

starting to feel a bit like a college. What about those people

who think our should actually be about punishment? My answer is,

these are not my prisoners, they are Sheffield's prisoners,

Barnsley's prisoners. If all I do is hold them, then what does

Sheffield or Barnsley get out at the end? Exactly the same, or worse,

than what came in. Not everybody agrees with this approach. The

prison Officers' Association claims schemes like this lead to the

easiest cases being focused on. But here at Doncaster, they do not

agree. But one thing is unique, their work in conjunction with this

charity continues outside the prison gates. This young man was in

Doncaster a few months ago for criminal damage and possession of

an offensive weapon. He still sees the same caseworker as when he was

inside. She comes to see me former probation and my JobCentre

appointments. If she was not there, I would have been back in there by

now. What will stop you going back to jail? It is the support I get

from people like her, and my mother. It is off my own back, really.

the company, Serco, does better than its targets, it gets a bonus

payment. Is it right for companies like this to benefit in this way?

But the prison is sure it will get results, and at least it is putting

its money where its mouth is. It is too early for any results, but it

is an interesting idea, and we will follow that story. Now, will on the

final straight, Christmas is coming. Have you finished all your

Christmas shopping? I will be honest, I have not yet. Neither

have I. I am a last-minute shopper. I say that, I have not even bought

all of last year's presents. I have decided I'm going to buy even less.

I'm not going to buy anything for my mother-in-law. Every year I buy

her something nice, and she goes, you shouldn't have. So this year,

I'm not going to. Maybe she will go, you should have. What about

presents for you? Are you a tools man? Yes, I have asked for a drill.

You know me so well judged and I will be on my ladder on Christmas

morning, drilling at random. Who do you think I am? Who have you

mistaken me for? A man. Well, you're wrong. Dreadful mistake!

This is the man who skips on stage. Anyway, two young sons in the prime

time for Father Christmas and all the rest of us - describe Christmas

in your household. Well, people always ask you, what do you do for

Christmas? What's happening this Christmas? It is the one day of the

year we all do exactly the same thing. I say, I'm doing what you're

doing. You will be up early, I guess. Well, last year, this is

true, my children woke up at 11:48pm on Christmas Eve. They came

running into the room, it's Christmas. I was, like, no, it is

not Christmas for 12 minutes. We can't start Christmas Day on the

first second of Christmas. Of course, I'm up early, as it you are

with children. They just rip things open, and I am, why don't you play

with this? I spend most of the morning trying to open the battery

compartment of the toys, then hoping to get the miniature tool

kit! That's my favourite present. And then I eat until the

announcement, until I announce that I can no longer eat anything else.

And then I say, I do this every year, I say, I will never, ever eat

again. And then half-an-hour later, I go, I'm going to have a sandwich.

Almost every year. The more you eat, the more you want, that's what they

say. Certainly at Christmas, it is amazing, the capacity we have for

eating at this time of year. Have you started? I had a mince pie,

actually. I started today. There was a lot of's pastry going on.

Anyway, your comedy road show is on on Christmas Day. I have this show

on Christmas Day, which you might have come to. I was there on

Tuesday, brilliant night, very funny. My roadshow has done two

series on BBC One. But this is a Christmas Special, and I have

worked for months and months to make it as special and as different

as possible. We have an incredible line-up. It is the best show I have

ever been in. I cannot believe how good it was. Look, there's all the

people in it. So many of them, James Corden, David Mitchell, Jack

Dee, Rhod Gilbert, how funny was him? Absolutely sensational. And

also, these crazy moments, I sang Fairy-tale of New York, with Pixie

Lott. Now, we did not expect that. I love getting my tree up in my

house. Come, darling, see the tree I chose. Big, Bushy tree. When you

decorate it, it looks beautiful. But as we all know, you have to

make sure that it is plugged in very discreetly, so it does not

ruin it. The problem is, every night, you leave it on because it

looks so lovely, then you're halfway up the stairs and you stop,

and you think, there could be a fire. Which means that literally

every night of December, before bed, I'm downstairs, under the tree...

Darling, can you help me? I cannot reach the bottom. Because it's

Christmas Day, and you know, it is 10:30pm at night, and I know the

state of the nation, we have just tried to make the most entertaining

thing, it is so Christmassy, ending with Kylie Minogue, and just tried

to make it as funny as possible, and it could not have come out

better. It is absolutely superb. It is like a variety show. The only

bit I felt uncomfortable was when Rhod Gilbert came on. And he went,

oh, yes, The One Show. You have got all these weird gear changes.

That's true. And as long as you put the word lovely in the middle, it

all mixed together. Which is what I do. Shall we do one of those gear-

changes now? Yes, we are moving on to Christmas carols. That was not

much of a gear change. You could have saved that for prisons! What

happens in the McIntyre household when Carole singers come to the

door? Do you make mince pies or do you all hide? Well, turning the

lights off at that stage, after they have rung the doorbell, is

going to be ineffective. That would be awkward. But I do get scared

when people come to the door - is that long? But Carole singers are

lovely. In Wales, everybody must do that because Welsh people love

singing. Is there anybody in, they must all be out carol-singing? In

fact, I would have thought just the door bell sets the Welsh off. Ding

Dong... Merrily on high. One Carole which nobody can do without of

course is Hark! The Herald Angels Sing, but as a Gyles Brandreth

found out, it started off a bit Here in Bristol powerful hymns

became the tool by which the Methodists spread their message.

The movement was created by brothers John and Charles Wesley. A

form of the Anglican Church. Charles was the preacher here at

the The New Room in Bristol, but also a prolific hymn writer. For

him, methodism was born in song. Philip Carter, why were hymns so

important? John and Charles Wesley realised that most of their people

were eliterate and could not read, but they could listen to the lines

of the hymn with a catchy tune and away they went.

So this was the unique selling proposition that the Methodists had,

we sing? That's right. Yes. Charles Wesley was in London on

Christmas morning in 1738, walking to church, he heard the bells

ringing and it inspired him to turn the words of his sermon into the

words of a Christmas hymn. # Hark! The heral angels sing

# Glory to the new-born king. # Charles Wesley sat in this very

room and here before us is a copy of the manuscript of the original

hymn? But I don't recognise the opening line?

# Hark how all the welkins rings? What is that A welkin is the sky,

that's a direct translation. The skys were the universe. Who changed

it? This change was done by a colleague of the group with Wes Wes.

He said welkin, that nobody would understand it, so he changed it to

hark! How the angels sing. Well done, George, you made the

difference. But the words really took off 100 years later in

Victorian times when set it a tune by the German composer, Fehily.

So, how come it is set to a Felix Mendelssohn tune? Charles Wesley's

words did not have a tune. The first recorded tune was from 1750.

You may recognise the tune of Salisbury or Easter Hymn was used

it goes like this # Hark! The heral angels sing

# Glory to the new-born king. # It does not sound right? It does not.

Prince Albert registered and wrote a tune.

And Queen Victoria's husband? is right it is a funny old tune,

# Hark The heral angels sing # Glory to the new-born king. # I

rather like that. The royaltys will go to royalty! How did Felix

Mendelssohn get in on the act? this was dug up fr written for an

entirely different occasion. Remarkably, Felix Mendelssohn had

created the music for an event that was far less spirit actual. It was

composed to celebrate the 400th an saers of the first ever printing

press. Discovered at a time when the Victorians were going crazy for

carols we have loved it ever since. So, now let's listen to the

wonderful words and the uplifting tune performed here in The New Room

in Bristol. # Hark! The heral angels sing

# Glory to the new-born king # Peace on Earth... # This has

become one of the most popular carols in the world, what do you

think that Charles Wesley would have made of that? I think he would

have been surprised in one way, but in another way thrilled to bits.

The whole world was singing the profound words that they had

written. # Christ is born in Bethlehem

# Hark! The heral angels sing # Glory to the new-born king. #

Lovely. Like you were saying you feel the need to applaud at the end

of a carol, but it is silent, as it would be.

Do you have a favourite Christmas song? I like all carols. I don't

think there is a carol I don't like. They are so Christmassy and you

hear them once a year. By I do like The Fairytale of New York.

That is a good song. Stay tuned, Christmas night,

10.30pm! Right, we are playing a Christmas game. It is all about

Christmas songs. So we are showing you pictures.

I thought we were playing a proper game like Trivial Pursuit! Well,

looking back at that film, this is Hark! The Harold Angels Sing!

Do you understand that? That's Harold!? We can play Trivial

Pursuit if you would rather. This is your first one, who is that?

y Willoughby. Think of the song... The Holly and

the Ivy! Yes! That is excellent. This is a bit difficult.

Play along at home, by the way. Come on, David Frost... Frosty The

Snowman?! Yes! APPLAUSE Frosty The Snowman! And the last

one, here we are... I know this one, man buebs... What's the next one?

- Boobs. Try chest... Chestnuts Roasting on

an Open Fire! You did get a little bit of help, but you have yourself

a pair of Christmas socks! thought they were gloves! Thank you

very much! They will keep you warm. One thing that we like to do on The

One Show is reunite people that heroed them in their -- that

rescued them in their time of need. Tonight it is the turn of the

Glernster family. Howard Glennerster loves the

outdoors with his grandparents. He often comes to visit his

grandparents in England. He and his grath fare usally go off hiking in

the English countryside. For their holiday last summer, they decided

to explore the western fells of Cumbria. Howard had planned an

exciting four - day hike. On the second day of the exdecision, the

weather was good. They set off across the mountains, aiming to

reach their youst hostel by night fall. Take me back to when you

found out. It was a beautiful day. We knew

where we were, we knew where we were going and we sat down to have

lunch. By the time they had finished lunch,

the situation had altered. A strong wind and driving rain had hit the

mountain It was a cliche to say that mountainss change their

character in a moment. Of course, they do.

They tried to follow a number of paths down, but each led to a dead

end. The weather got so bad they could barely see ahead.

Then Howard stumbled waist-deep into a bog hole.

I could not milk my legs work. I could not stand up.

His clothes now sodden, Howard was showing signs of hypothermia.

I do remember Ben talking hard to To stop me losing consciousness.

As the light began to fade, Howard tried to crawl down the mountain,

but he could not move. His body temperature continuing to drop.

It was at that point that Been said, "Shall I get help?" I said yes, go.

I was already beginning to realise I may not make it. Better off if he

left me and got off the mountain. What was that moment like for you?

Sending your ten-year-old grandson down the mountain, in the dark in

the rain while you lay there unable to move? Dreadful. I thought I

would never see him again. Did you think you were going to die

there? Yes. It was almost midnight. As Howard

and Ben had not turned up at the youth hostel, the alarm was raised

and Cockermouth Mountain Rescue Team were called into action.

Andrew was one of the volunteers that night.

It was serious. We had a young boy, ten, and his 70-year-old

grandfather, it is midnight. They have not turned up to where they

should be. It is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

It was not until the follow morning that the rescue team had found Ben.

He had walked three kilometres down the mountain in the dark. He was

cold and hungry, but able to give the team vital information to find

his grandfather. When we reached Howard, he was weak

and confused. The first thing he said to me was, "Ben is welcome.

Ben is fine." What was that like? Huge relief.

But Howard was showing signs of serious hypothermia. He was air-

lifted off the mountain and taken to hospital. It took six months to

make a full recovery. Now a year- and-a-half since that terrible

night, Howard is to be reunited for the first time with the man who

found his grandson and helped to save his life. Hello, Howard.

Welcome to the rescue base. Wonderful to see you. What is it

like to see Howard alive and well, when the last time you saw him he

was unconscious? It is nice to see you walking, fit and well. To know

that your grandson is fit and well too.

Andrew was one of the first of the team members to reach him that

night, so the reunion would not be complete without a chat with our

young explorer too? I am in the control room of the Cockermouth

Mountain Rescue Team. I am amazed you found yourself home

in the dark? I was not thinking about anything. Just following the

river down. Without the right information we

would not have found your grandfather at quickly. The

circumstances may be different. Thank you! It was moving to think

that night, what it was like, and to survive it, due to this great

time. Amazing. I have seen that team for

myself. Amazing. Michael, it is time for you to try

power Scottish Labour Partying -- skipping! Now, we have Beci, Gemma

and Laura, they are record-hold ners skipping. You are to show

Michael what he needs to achieve before the end of the evening.

Give us an idea of what you do? record is 368 jumps in double Dutch.

APPLAUSE What is that? Two person one at

each end turning the road and three people jumping at one time.

Let's have a look. Ready, girls.

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 43 seconds

Incredible! What do you think? was excellent. Well done, girls!

Are you loaving your jacket on? That is fine.

Are you serious!? Just have a little go.

What do you mean a little go? will explain it all.

You have Christmas tree needles in your hair.

That is festive! Now, we is have two ropes, when it hits the ground,

we say go and you follow it in. Then you start jumping.

OK. What if I don't like it? will be fine.

Both of you girls are Dutch? Is that right? No, English! Ready?

can't hear her! Ready, set, go! He's in! APPLAUSE

I'm amazing at. This Fantastic! This is mere! This is

the real me! All of that nimble footwork has so paid off. He is

loving it. He is enjoying himself! APPLAUSE

Very good. Did you enjoy that? It is more

tiring than imagined. You looked good doing it. Brilliant.