19/12/2011 The One Show


19/12/2011

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Transcript


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Hello and welcome to the programme. Tonight, a funnyman who either

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regularly changes his mind, or has been telling a few porky pies.

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Right here, in my favourite city of the more, it's Birmingham! Right

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here, in my favourite city of the more, it's Edinburgh! Glasgow! It's

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Belfast! It's Swansea! My favourite city of them all, it's Sunderland!

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Well, he's definitely our favourite guest, it's Michael McIntyre!

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you very much. So, Michael, it's time to be honest to the people of

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Britain - which is your favourite city? I'm relatively fickle, you

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can probably sense that, but I would like to say factually, that

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you're my favourite One Show presenters of them all? And there

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has been a few. That's good enough for us. Speaking of good results,

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did you see Strictly at the weekend? If yes, I have not been

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watching the series, I just watched your dancers, obviously. Was that

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your favourite? Of course. We have to say, congratulations to the

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lovely Harry Judd for winning. And we noticed, Michael, you're quite

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nimble on your feet. A lot of skipping goes on in your show us.

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Yes, this was in reference to a joke that I did, but people think I

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do this all the time. It's the hands and the legs, it's my

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favourite! I have never seen a montage like this put together.

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Coming up, in honour to your skipping, we have got the GB senior

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skipping team. When you have a go later? I will do anything you want

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me to do. Is this a real tree? First, it is a perennial problem

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for prisons - you lock-up a criminal, they serve their sentence,

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but sooner or later, they are back inside again. Simon Boazman looks

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at a scheme which aims to reduce reoffending. Does prison work? It

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is a question politicians, even on the same party, cannot agree on.

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Too often, prison has proved costly and ineffectual. Prison works.

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if you had to put money on what type of prison regime was most

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effective, what would you choose? At this jail, it is not just a

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policy question, it affect the bottom line. If Doncaster prison

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does not get results, the person that runs it loses money. If the

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prison does not reduce reoffending rates by 5%, it is going to lose

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10% of its yearly budget, around �2 million. The reoffending rate here

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is 65% for short-term prisoners, and 42% for those sentenced to more

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than a year. The governor says prison has to be more than just a

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deterrent. Predominantly, we deliver basic numeracy and literacy

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levels for prisoners. Generally, they come in here with very low

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levels of literacy and numeracy. The prison has pledged to reduce

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the number of prisoners who go on to commit crimes once they have

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left. The focus is on rehabilitation and support. People

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become involved in crime for a number of reasons. Part of our job

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is to find out exactly what it is that has got them to this point.

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What do you do on a practical level? We have an extensive range

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of things. I have local sports teams helping me with coaching

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offenders. I have nationally recognised organisations helping me

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to deliver a theatre and film making courses. Employment and

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training are also big issues. prisoners we spoke to all had good

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things to say. What are you in for? Burglary and deception. People

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should be given the chance to change their ways. If you just lock

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people away, there is no Rehabilitation at all. People turn

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around and be nasty and start resenting prison officers. As well

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as doing music, I have done a lot of other skills, such as drama, and

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editing films, so this time, when I get out, I have got something.

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another part of this all-male prison, I came across something I

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did not expect to see. The prison seize keeping relationships with

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family as an important thing. in here for two-and-a-half years,

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so he will be free by the time I have got out. Obviously I have

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never changed him, fed him, bathed him. He would be like a stranger.

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Missing out on all of that, I could never do it again, ever. We have

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met prisoners with their kids, and doing role and editing. It is

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starting to feel a bit like a college. What about those people

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who think our should actually be about punishment? My answer is,

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these are not my prisoners, they are Sheffield's prisoners,

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Barnsley's prisoners. If all I do is hold them, then what does

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Sheffield or Barnsley get out at the end? Exactly the same, or worse,

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than what came in. Not everybody agrees with this approach. The

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prison Officers' Association claims schemes like this lead to the

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easiest cases being focused on. But here at Doncaster, they do not

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agree. But one thing is unique, their work in conjunction with this

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charity continues outside the prison gates. This young man was in

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Doncaster a few months ago for criminal damage and possession of

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an offensive weapon. He still sees the same caseworker as when he was

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inside. She comes to see me former probation and my JobCentre

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appointments. If she was not there, I would have been back in there by

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now. What will stop you going back to jail? It is the support I get

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from people like her, and my mother. It is off my own back, really.

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the company, Serco, does better than its targets, it gets a bonus

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payment. Is it right for companies like this to benefit in this way?

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But the prison is sure it will get results, and at least it is putting

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its money where its mouth is. It is too early for any results, but it

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is an interesting idea, and we will follow that story. Now, will on the

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final straight, Christmas is coming. Have you finished all your

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Christmas shopping? I will be honest, I have not yet. Neither

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have I. I am a last-minute shopper. I say that, I have not even bought

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all of last year's presents. I have decided I'm going to buy even less.

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I'm not going to buy anything for my mother-in-law. Every year I buy

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her something nice, and she goes, you shouldn't have. So this year,

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I'm not going to. Maybe she will go, you should have. What about

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presents for you? Are you a tools man? Yes, I have asked for a drill.

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You know me so well judged and I will be on my ladder on Christmas

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morning, drilling at random. Who do you think I am? Who have you

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mistaken me for? A man. Well, you're wrong. Dreadful mistake!

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This is the man who skips on stage. Anyway, two young sons in the prime

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time for Father Christmas and all the rest of us - describe Christmas

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in your household. Well, people always ask you, what do you do for

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Christmas? What's happening this Christmas? It is the one day of the

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year we all do exactly the same thing. I say, I'm doing what you're

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doing. You will be up early, I guess. Well, last year, this is

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true, my children woke up at 11:48pm on Christmas Eve. They came

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running into the room, it's Christmas. I was, like, no, it is

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not Christmas for 12 minutes. We can't start Christmas Day on the

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first second of Christmas. Of course, I'm up early, as it you are

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with children. They just rip things open, and I am, why don't you play

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with this? I spend most of the morning trying to open the battery

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compartment of the toys, then hoping to get the miniature tool

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kit! That's my favourite present. And then I eat until the

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announcement, until I announce that I can no longer eat anything else.

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And then I say, I do this every year, I say, I will never, ever eat

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again. And then half-an-hour later, I go, I'm going to have a sandwich.

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Almost every year. The more you eat, the more you want, that's what they

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say. Certainly at Christmas, it is amazing, the capacity we have for

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eating at this time of year. Have you started? I had a mince pie,

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actually. I started today. There was a lot of's pastry going on.

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Anyway, your comedy road show is on on Christmas Day. I have this show

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on Christmas Day, which you might have come to. I was there on

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Tuesday, brilliant night, very funny. My roadshow has done two

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series on BBC One. But this is a Christmas Special, and I have

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worked for months and months to make it as special and as different

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as possible. We have an incredible line-up. It is the best show I have

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ever been in. I cannot believe how good it was. Look, there's all the

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people in it. So many of them, James Corden, David Mitchell, Jack

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Dee, Rhod Gilbert, how funny was him? Absolutely sensational. And

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also, these crazy moments, I sang Fairy-tale of New York, with Pixie

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Lott. Now, we did not expect that. I love getting my tree up in my

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house. Come, darling, see the tree I chose. Big, Bushy tree. When you

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decorate it, it looks beautiful. But as we all know, you have to

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make sure that it is plugged in very discreetly, so it does not

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ruin it. The problem is, every night, you leave it on because it

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looks so lovely, then you're halfway up the stairs and you stop,

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and you think, there could be a fire. Which means that literally

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every night of December, before bed, I'm downstairs, under the tree...

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Darling, can you help me? I cannot reach the bottom. Because it's

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Christmas Day, and you know, it is 10:30pm at night, and I know the

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state of the nation, we have just tried to make the most entertaining

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thing, it is so Christmassy, ending with Kylie Minogue, and just tried

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to make it as funny as possible, and it could not have come out

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better. It is absolutely superb. It is like a variety show. The only

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bit I felt uncomfortable was when Rhod Gilbert came on. And he went,

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oh, yes, The One Show. You have got all these weird gear changes.

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That's true. And as long as you put the word lovely in the middle, it

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all mixed together. Which is what I do. Shall we do one of those gear-

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changes now? Yes, we are moving on to Christmas carols. That was not

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much of a gear change. You could have saved that for prisons! What

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happens in the McIntyre household when Carole singers come to the

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door? Do you make mince pies or do you all hide? Well, turning the

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lights off at that stage, after they have rung the doorbell, is

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going to be ineffective. That would be awkward. But I do get scared

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when people come to the door - is that long? But Carole singers are

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lovely. In Wales, everybody must do that because Welsh people love

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singing. Is there anybody in, they must all be out carol-singing? In

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fact, I would have thought just the door bell sets the Welsh off. Ding

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Dong... Merrily on high. One Carole which nobody can do without of

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course is Hark! The Herald Angels Sing, but as a Gyles Brandreth

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found out, it started off a bit Here in Bristol powerful hymns

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became the tool by which the Methodists spread their message.

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The movement was created by brothers John and Charles Wesley. A

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form of the Anglican Church. Charles was the preacher here at

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the The New Room in Bristol, but also a prolific hymn writer. For

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him, methodism was born in song. Philip Carter, why were hymns so

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important? John and Charles Wesley realised that most of their people

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were eliterate and could not read, but they could listen to the lines

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of the hymn with a catchy tune and away they went.

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So this was the unique selling proposition that the Methodists had,

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we sing? That's right. Yes. Charles Wesley was in London on

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Christmas morning in 1738, walking to church, he heard the bells

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ringing and it inspired him to turn the words of his sermon into the

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words of a Christmas hymn. # Hark! The heral angels sing

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# Glory to the new-born king. # Charles Wesley sat in this very

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room and here before us is a copy of the manuscript of the original

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hymn? But I don't recognise the opening line?

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# Hark how all the welkins rings? What is that A welkin is the sky,

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that's a direct translation. The skys were the universe. Who changed

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it? This change was done by a colleague of the group with Wes Wes.

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He said welkin, that nobody would understand it, so he changed it to

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hark! How the angels sing. Well done, George, you made the

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difference. But the words really took off 100 years later in

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Victorian times when set it a tune by the German composer, Fehily.

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So, how come it is set to a Felix Mendelssohn tune? Charles Wesley's

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words did not have a tune. The first recorded tune was from 1750.

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You may recognise the tune of Salisbury or Easter Hymn was used

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it goes like this # Hark! The heral angels sing

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# Glory to the new-born king. # It does not sound right? It does not.

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Prince Albert registered and wrote a tune.

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And Queen Victoria's husband? is right it is a funny old tune,

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# Hark The heral angels sing # Glory to the new-born king. # I

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rather like that. The royaltys will go to royalty! How did Felix

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Mendelssohn get in on the act? this was dug up fr written for an

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entirely different occasion. Remarkably, Felix Mendelssohn had

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created the music for an event that was far less spirit actual. It was

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composed to celebrate the 400th an saers of the first ever printing

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press. Discovered at a time when the Victorians were going crazy for

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carols we have loved it ever since. So, now let's listen to the

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wonderful words and the uplifting tune performed here in The New Room

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in Bristol. # Hark! The heral angels sing

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# Glory to the new-born king # Peace on Earth... # This has

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become one of the most popular carols in the world, what do you

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think that Charles Wesley would have made of that? I think he would

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have been surprised in one way, but in another way thrilled to bits.

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The whole world was singing the profound words that they had

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written. # Christ is born in Bethlehem

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# Hark! The heral angels sing # Glory to the new-born king. #

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Lovely. Like you were saying you feel the need to applaud at the end

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of a carol, but it is silent, as it would be.

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Do you have a favourite Christmas song? I like all carols. I don't

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think there is a carol I don't like. They are so Christmassy and you

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hear them once a year. By I do like The Fairytale of New York.

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That is a good song. Stay tuned, Christmas night,

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10.30pm! Right, we are playing a Christmas game. It is all about

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Christmas songs. So we are showing you pictures.

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I thought we were playing a proper game like Trivial Pursuit! Well,

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looking back at that film, this is Hark! The Harold Angels Sing!

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Do you understand that? That's Harold!? We can play Trivial

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:19:48.:19:48.

Pursuit if you would rather. This is your first one, who is that?

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y Willoughby. Think of the song... The Holly and

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the Ivy! Yes! That is excellent. This is a bit difficult.

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Play along at home, by the way. Come on, David Frost... Frosty The

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Snowman?! Yes! APPLAUSE Frosty The Snowman! And the last

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one, here we are... I know this one, man buebs... What's the next one?

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- Boobs. Try chest... Chestnuts Roasting on

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an Open Fire! You did get a little bit of help, but you have yourself

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a pair of Christmas socks! thought they were gloves! Thank you

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very much! They will keep you warm. One thing that we like to do on The

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One Show is reunite people that heroed them in their -- that

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rescued them in their time of need. Tonight it is the turn of the

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Glernster family. Howard Glennerster loves the

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outdoors with his grandparents. He often comes to visit his

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grandparents in England. He and his grath fare usally go off hiking in

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the English countryside. For their holiday last summer, they decided

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to explore the western fells of Cumbria. Howard had planned an

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exciting four - day hike. On the second day of the exdecision, the

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weather was good. They set off across the mountains, aiming to

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reach their youst hostel by night fall. Take me back to when you

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found out. It was a beautiful day. We knew

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where we were, we knew where we were going and we sat down to have

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lunch. By the time they had finished lunch,

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the situation had altered. A strong wind and driving rain had hit the

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mountain It was a cliche to say that mountainss change their

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character in a moment. Of course, they do.

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They tried to follow a number of paths down, but each led to a dead

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end. The weather got so bad they could barely see ahead.

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Then Howard stumbled waist-deep into a bog hole.

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I could not milk my legs work. I could not stand up.

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His clothes now sodden, Howard was showing signs of hypothermia.

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I do remember Ben talking hard to To stop me losing consciousness.

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As the light began to fade, Howard tried to crawl down the mountain,

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but he could not move. His body temperature continuing to drop.

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It was at that point that Been said, "Shall I get help?" I said yes, go.

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I was already beginning to realise I may not make it. Better off if he

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left me and got off the mountain. What was that moment like for you?

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Sending your ten-year-old grandson down the mountain, in the dark in

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the rain while you lay there unable to move? Dreadful. I thought I

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would never see him again. Did you think you were going to die

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there? Yes. It was almost midnight. As Howard

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and Ben had not turned up at the youth hostel, the alarm was raised

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and Cockermouth Mountain Rescue Team were called into action.

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Andrew was one of the volunteers that night.

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It was serious. We had a young boy, ten, and his 70-year-old

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grandfather, it is midnight. They have not turned up to where they

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should be. It is like looking for a needle in a haystack.

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It was not until the follow morning that the rescue team had found Ben.

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He had walked three kilometres down the mountain in the dark. He was

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cold and hungry, but able to give the team vital information to find

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his grandfather. When we reached Howard, he was weak

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and confused. The first thing he said to me was, "Ben is welcome.

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Ben is fine." What was that like? Huge relief.

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But Howard was showing signs of serious hypothermia. He was air-

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lifted off the mountain and taken to hospital. It took six months to

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make a full recovery. Now a year- and-a-half since that terrible

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night, Howard is to be reunited for the first time with the man who

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found his grandson and helped to save his life. Hello, Howard.

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Welcome to the rescue base. Wonderful to see you. What is it

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like to see Howard alive and well, when the last time you saw him he

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was unconscious? It is nice to see you walking, fit and well. To know

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that your grandson is fit and well too.

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Andrew was one of the first of the team members to reach him that

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night, so the reunion would not be complete without a chat with our

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young explorer too? I am in the control room of the Cockermouth

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Mountain Rescue Team. I am amazed you found yourself home

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in the dark? I was not thinking about anything. Just following the

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river down. Without the right information we

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would not have found your grandfather at quickly. The

:25:31.:25:37.

circumstances may be different. Thank you! It was moving to think

:25:37.:25:41.

that night, what it was like, and to survive it, due to this great

:25:41.:25:45.

time. Amazing. I have seen that team for

:25:45.:25:51.

myself. Amazing. Michael, it is time for you to try

:25:51.:25:56.

power Scottish Labour Partying -- skipping! Now, we have Beci, Gemma

:25:56.:26:01.

and Laura, they are record-hold ners skipping. You are to show

:26:01.:26:06.

Michael what he needs to achieve before the end of the evening.

:26:06.:26:15.

Give us an idea of what you do? record is 368 jumps in double Dutch.

:26:15.:26:20.

APPLAUSE What is that? Two person one at

:26:20.:26:24.

each end turning the road and three people jumping at one time.

:26:24.:26:31.

Let's have a look. Ready, girls.

:26:31.:26:41.
:26:41.:26:41.

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 43 seconds

:26:41.:27:25.

Incredible! What do you think? was excellent. Well done, girls!

:27:25.:27:28.

Are you loaving your jacket on? That is fine.

:27:28.:27:34.

Are you serious!? Just have a little go.

:27:34.:27:40.

What do you mean a little go? will explain it all.

:27:40.:27:43.

You have Christmas tree needles in your hair.

:27:43.:27:49.

That is festive! Now, we is have two ropes, when it hits the ground,

:27:49.:27:55.

we say go and you follow it in. Then you start jumping.

:27:55.:27:59.

OK. What if I don't like it? will be fine.

:27:59.:28:08.

Both of you girls are Dutch? Is that right? No, English! Ready?

:28:08.:28:18.
:28:18.:28:19.

can't hear her! Ready, set, go! He's in! APPLAUSE

:28:19.:28:28.

I'm amazing at. This Fantastic! This is mere! This is

:28:28.:28:34.

the real me! All of that nimble footwork has so paid off. He is

:28:34.:28:38.

loving it. He is enjoying himself! APPLAUSE

:28:38.:28:42.

Very good. Did you enjoy that? It is more

:28:42.:28:46.

tiring than imagined. You looked good doing it. Brilliant.

:28:46.:28:52.

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