Episode 1 Belfast FM

Episode 1

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Belfast! DJ Stinky with tunes more twisted than Nazi dwarf pawn. I


would like to start with a shout out. As many of you know, Jaggers


is in prison because of his beliefs. People believe that cutting the red


wire will cut off the burglar alarm. He was wrong. I hear that people


say he is a thief, or tea leaf, but you know him as Pablo, respect,


Pablo! On tonight's show we have an award-winning chef, former Master


cf contestant, Christine Hamilton, Good morning. I am late. To us it


matter? -- does it matter. You know those numbers you see in the paper,


like sex lines. I phoned up some bird. There is not a sex chat line


from Northern Ireland. Are you sure? Can you imagine, you are a


man that likes a posh bird, some bird saying she has been knocking


out the stables. I am all dirty. But I am not as dirty as you. Get


your job for us off and show us what you are made of. Right? Like


some kind of Ballymena eat Dahl. -- Have you got a big Massey-Ferguson


waiting for you? Are you going to plough my field and scatter your


good seed over my groin? Even though it is the Sabbath day, I


will take you took some -- Sunday- school. What if it was like


sovereign birds? Jesus, what are you doing it to me. Put it away.


Look what you have made me do. work it. Use me. Do me. Occupy my


six counties. Take away my land. Subjugate my land! Lead shoes so


meet my dirty partition! -- let me show you my dirty partition.


would like to make you a quick apology far last week when I said


Stephen Nolan was dead. I now realise I may have got some


people's hopes up though. Who is this in the lift? Our guest is posh


and knows her way in the jungle. The husband of our next guess was


alleged to have taken cash for questions, but at least he wasn't


spending it on hers! Please welcome Amateur Chef and professional


battle axe, Christine Hamilton! Goodness me. That is the sort of


well, I like. I tell you what, Christine, you are looking spot on.


Thanks. I am doing all right. I am over 60 by a one year. You should


avoid the Old Trafford area of Manchester. The acres Wayne Rooney


hangs around there. Is he in two older women? I think he is into


anything. How have you been on a diet, or what is it that is making


you look so fine? You do know how to flatter a girl. I have been on a


diet. You may not know this, but I did a show called Master Chef and


everybody else loses weight, but I put it on. You have to cook with


butter and cream and all the things I do not normally took with and I


was eating it all up, but I have lost that weight now. I am buying


up your biscuits and chocolate digest it. I was wondering if I


could put something over them so I cannot see them. Can I do that? Is


that OK? Did she smell classy? smelt of the British upper class.


Kind of clean. It was nice. Hang on a moment, I could not be any less


upper-class. I am 100 % middle class. I don't think so, Christine.


We are so underclass that we are subterranean. That is because you


are a number of the criminal classes. We get by. It said


somewhere that you and Neill appeared in a gay iconic play


called the Rocky Horror Picture Show. The 30th anniversary tour,


that was wonderful, sex drugs and rock'n'roll, what else junior? --


what else do you need? Neil became totally addicted to the fish nest -


- fishnet tights. Well, he is a Tory politician. It is what quite a


few of them wear. Is there a man who would tempt you to leave him?


commit adultery every day in my mind! Christine, are you committing


adultery in your mind right now? Quite heavily. With who? I cannot


decide. It would be kinky not to. It would be rude not to. I wouldn't


one to come between friends. interesting choice of friends --


race. Here is a wee bit of music. She looks like Rod Hull in drag. As


Rod Hull does now! You were involved in the Houses of Commons


in the 1980s when the Tories were sweeping through power. It seems


like everybody was bonking everybody backstage. Was it really


like that? Of course! I tell you what. I worked in parliament for 26


years, and I was only 21 when I went there, but I have seen a lot


of it. They have the power, and power, you have it as well. You


have all the switches and stuff. It is very impressive and Members of


Parliament have impressive places to take members of parliament and


it is extraordinary, because unattractive MPs can get much more


attractive girls than they would be able to, so that his talent goes on.


Do you miss politics? No! I have left it for the real world of


showbiz, entertainment and radio. You are too good looking for


politics. I read somewhere it was showbiz or ugly people. Well, some


politicians are quite good looking. Have you seen Barbara De Bruin?


Don't be nasty about the nation's sweetheart, and Anne Widdecombe.


What about Lembit Opik? He did pull a cheeky girl. He is bonkers.


Christine! I would like someone like you to be my mum. Is that all


right? To be my mum? Both of you? Why not? How you got a mum? None


worth to walking about. Father's Day causes great confusion around


here. It is awfully flattering. What would I have to do? Just told


me. Change me. Occasionally. often is occasionally? As often as


you like! Gone, it's a deal. Thanks, mummy. Will you buy me an X-Box?


It is an electronic device. That is correct. I will buy you one. Can


you share one, or do you need one age?. Hang on, I beg your pardon?


Say that again. On Sunday dinner... Oh, Sunday dinner. Let me slow it


down for you. Yes, thank you. On Sunday din-dins? Yes? Right, round


yours with Neil, me and Pablo? You have to count out the peas,


make sure they're the same. And do not try and say that having a wee


bit more extra peas is the same as having the same of roast potatoes


cos it's not! No, it's not. No, I would never do that, it's not.


Because peas are peas and potatoes and potatoes. You can have as much


as you like. That's all right. Thank you. Unless you start to put


on weight. Thank you. OK? Cool. Mummy? Thank you very much for


coming on to our show. I'll go home and get the tatties on. Go you home,


sort out a few spare rooms for me and the Pablo, we'll be over next


week. OK, brilliant. Happy days. Where's my hug? Give you a hug?


Give me my hug. Oh, give you a hug. Aw, bye-bye. Thank you. Oh, two


kisses. Happy days. Two kisses. Pablo, show the lady out.


pleasure. Bye-bye. Just for your information, Your Ladyship, I am


quite the fan of Lady Chatterley's Lover and The Graduate, OK? I think


I get your drift, Pablo. Bye-bye, I'm going to put the beef on.


She can see to my beef any time. Christine Hamilton there! Christine


is the second most outrageous woman in politics. She would have been


the first but Iris Robinson pipped her at the post by bopping that


teenager. Right, right, right. Here we go. Three, two, one... Go!


Stare! Blink. Go on, blink. Blink. Blink. You blink. No, you blink.


You blink. You blink. You blink. Blinky. You blink. Blink off. I own


you. Blink 182. I own you. I own you. You have a fly on your face.


Blinkety Blink, Blinkety Blink. It'll make you blink. Blink! Blink!


Oh, bollocks! How do you do that? Championi. Derry's an amazing city


though, isn't it? Any city that has three or four girls to every bloke,


unbelievable. And the girls' legs are... Tidy. All the hills, Derry


Hill legs. It's got good scenery, it's got nice hotels, it's...close


to Donegal. It's got one bar you can go to safely. Would you come


and live here though? No. City of Culture? I've had yoghurts with


more culture. LAUGHTER What's that you have there? I am trying to


learn the words to a song, mate. I'm going to audition for the X


Factor. You want to be famous then? But I'm being realistic. People


think they'll get famous overnight. I'll give it two weeks. And you


think you can get on X Factor? Stephen Hawking can run off with


his mistress, I can get on the X Factor. Mate, you cannot sing.. #


All the single ladies All the single ladies


# All the single ladies All the single ladies All the single


ladies... # Pablo?


# All the single ladies All the single ladies.


# Pablo. Pablo! # All the single ladies.


# Pablo! Sorry, sorry, sorry. They said I was a bit too dignified for


Big Brother. Fair point. Here, there's the lift moving. That's the


band. A band coming in here? Yep. Right. Who is it this time? I think


you'll like this one. Right. They're like an indie band, wait,


right, but they are both epic in scale and vision. Is it Muse?


Is it Queen? No. Is it the Vienna Boys Choir? Look, we couldn't fit


them in the lift, it's not them. Right, well, who is it then? They


are Rams' Pocket Radio. All right, lads? Hello. How're yous getting


on? All good. So, lads, tell us this here. Have yous any good gigs


or supports that yous have done lately? Yeah, we recently toured


with Darwin Deez and played a gig with Marina And The Diamonds...


Shite. No, you'd like Marina. Really? Oh, aye. What's the song


you're going to do for us. Going to do a song called Dieter Rams Has


Got The Pocket Radios. Cool, all right, fire away, into the boudoir.


Don't make a mess. Bye! Peter from Derry has called in to the shoot


the breeze with us. Yo, Pete! All right, Pablo, Steeky? You've had


the odd brush with the law, lads, hey? Say hypothetically a man


lunges at me with what I thought was a knife but turned out to be a


flare for a night club. Uh...easy mistake. I accidentally knocked him


over, then someone compounded the error by beating him to death with


a traffic cone. Just hypothetically, aye? Yeah? I was arguing with my


mates as to whether that constituted murder or self defence.


That sounds like a pretty clear case of murder of there, Pete.


lads, murder, we'll have to bury him - thanks, Steeky, you've been a


great help. For Christ's sake, Pablo, do you not screen these


calls? Uh? And now for our next caller, Martina. Marty-girl, what


do you want to talk about? Well, I'm fed up with all the stupid men


in Belfast who just treat women as sex objects. That's a good point,


Martina. Great point, Martina. Now, tell us what you're wearing. CALLER


HANGS UP Aw, bless. I remember the very first time I asked your ma the


same question. How drunk was she? She was pretty drunk. Fair play.


And a big shout out to Adam and Steve, who are celebrating their


civil partnership today. Two lads getting married, that's class.


Why's that, Pablo? Just think how amazing a double stag night would


be - wall-to-wall naked women strippers, wouldn't it? Um, yeah,


Pabs, I don't think you really get the gay thing. There's the lift


again. Who've you got for me? fella that owns that there posh


restaurant. Our next guess has his own award-winning restaurant.


Essentially, it's like McDonald's, but with fewer divorced fathers


gazing forlornly at their children. Please welcome award-winning chef,


Jason Moore. Evening, gents. How are you? All right, mate? Grab


yourself a wee seat there, take the weight off your plates. That's a


wee kitchen reference. I like that. Well, Jason Moore, how are you


keeping? Very well, yourselves? too bad. Thank you for coming in.


pleasure... Could you not shave? Pardon? Could you not have shaved?


No. He's a rock and roll chef. aren't they all? We all are, rock


and roll chefs. Do you sit there in the kitchen barking orders and have


everybody go, "Yes, chef!" A wee bit, not that much. Do you know how


far that would work with me? You wouldn't get through the entree. We


could bring you in for a day, would you like that? Would you like a


kitchen knife in your chest? That's what'll happen. You'd get one right


back! Ooooh! That there's fighting talk. Fighting talk for a man that


cooks, like. HE LAUGHS What sort of training did you have to do? To be


a chef you have to do as much training as you can, work in as


many good restaurants as you can, for as many good chefs as you can


to learn as much as you can. you ever work for the Little Chef?


Little Chef, let me think. I've worked with lots of Little Chefs,


bit like yourselves. Bernard Matthews? Pardon? Bernard Matthews?


RIP, Bernard. Ah, Bernard. May his Turkey Twizzlers rest in peace.


Turkey Twizzlers were a mistake. The machines were set up wrong,


they were supposed to be making sausages and they spit out all this


stuff. Seriously? Yeah, that's how it came about. They couldn't sell


it to anybody, so they sold it to schools. Something so delicious


created by accident. That there is a present from God. It is. Glory in


imperfection. Why, Jason, does all food taste better inside a floury


bap? Some foods might, what sort of foods taste good in a floury bap to


you? Absolutely everything. Sausage rolls - the classic bap and two.


Two sausage rolls in a bap. Even a McDonald's Quarter Pounder - which


is already in a bap - stick that in a bap and it's even better. All


things in life, in a bap. Everything? Absolutely, any


foodstuff you can name. Name any foodstuff. Foie gras. In a bap.


you know what Foie gras is? No. you've never had Foie gras?


Would we want to? Absolutely, it's the most delicate think you could


ever eat. More delicate than a fillet o' fish? Fillet o' fish,


yeah, just as delicate as a fillet o' fish. What is Foie gras? It's an


over-sized liver of a duck. HE RETCHES And how do they get it


thus? Well, they don't do it like this now, but they used to get the


duck or the goose and then nail its feet to a plank. Then they used to


force-feed it with a screw. Which must be nice. That's not very nice


at all. And you put that in your mouth?! Do you apply the two second


rule in your kitchen? Two-second rule? No. Drops on the floor, two


seconds, on the plate. That's a myth. No, if it drops on the floor,


you have to put it in the bin. Aye, right. You do! Sure you do.


told you about the two-second rule? Everybody knows about the two-


second rule. Otherwise known as "the food for the difficult


customer." Jason, give us two wee seconds, the listeners want to hear


a few beats, so I'm just going to play a wee tune then come back to


you, OK? I brought back a McDonald's once. What was wrong


with it? Well, I asked for a medium rare, and it was well done. How


dare they? I sent it back. How dare they? With a flea in their ear.


you get extra cheese back? I think I might have done. Extra mayo,


there seemed to be extra mayo in it. Eurgh. Do you eat your five a day?


Yes. Does pear cider account? What is the most disgusting food you


have eaten? Most Scottish food, for example, is disgusting.


strangest thing was living in Asia, and on the streets of Bangkok you


can bite deep fide -- you can buy a deep fried grubs and cockroaches,


that sort of thing. They are not as bad as you think. Very good for you.


We just sprayed it with soy sauce. Were you picking up tips about


cooking? I picked up a few cooking tips. Who is the most famous person


you have cooked for? Princess Diana. The Princess are our hearts. Do you


remember what you cook for her? had fish. It must have been a


Friday. I couldn't say, but it must have been a Friday. That is


surprising. I was under the impression that she loved the meat


for --. I thought that was your Princess! Shame yourself! I see


William gave his fiancee his mother's engagement ring. That is


going to work out just fine, isn't We have learned a lot today, like


what is for one grave. What is veal? -- for a grave. Veal is a


baby cow. A baby cow? You kill baby cows? Of course, yes. Would you


kill a baby sheep? Lamb? Definitely. Baby pigs? Suckling pigs?, yes.


Kittens? Have you ever cooked a kitten? I have milked one.


milked a kitten? How in the name of Jesus did you know OK kitten?


just get hold of the teat things and do it. What is wrong with him?


There's a woman round the block with a load of kittens, we could go


as sideline going. Kit and milk. Kit and cheese. We could sell it


through your chef. Of course you could. Jason, it has been a


pleasure. You worry gentleman, a scholar and a cook. You can come


round any time and cook as a wee something in a bap. Jason, thank


you very much! You kitten that milking it weirdo! Taking out, sort


him out, keeping away from animals. Jason Moore, his Northern Ireland


and so to Jamie Oliver, except not a complete idiot. I just thought I


would say that if you did not -- did fancy knocking a human, I am


free when says. That sounds good. I would just like to make a quick


apology by last week's medical section. As it turns out, dyslexics


are not the evil villains that attacked Dr Who! Our caller has two


minutes to guess the mystery item. We will play with the returning


champion, Jez, are you ready? ready. Your time starts now. I am


not sure how to describe it. It is something you would use to prop up


the table at one of the legs are shorter than the other. Is it a


poor person? Teachers like them? Detention? Everybody was passed


around the school and had a go on it. Was it Kelly and from four be?


No, it is kind of papery and people find it difficult and people find


it most irritating question of Anne Was it the positing a theory by


Isaac Newton that all matter is uniform? No, it is not the theory


of relativity. Did he get drunk at Christmas and cause everyone to be


sick because he did something to the turkey? Now, love -- rich


people love going into these and love talking about it and then they


used a special language questor of a Starbucks franchise? Is it a


book? Don't die have to get what We are now going on to the band we


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