Episode 1 Belfast FM

Belfast! DJ Stinky with tunes more twisted than Nazi dwarf pawn. I

would like to start with a shout out. As many of you know, Jaggers

is in prison because of his beliefs. People believe that cutting the red

wire will cut off the burglar alarm. He was wrong. I hear that people

say he is a thief, or tea leaf, but you know him as Pablo, respect,

Pablo! On tonight's show we have an award-winning chef, former Master

cf contestant, Christine Hamilton, Good morning. I am late. To us it

matter? -- does it matter. You know those numbers you see in the paper,

like sex lines. I phoned up some bird. There is not a sex chat line

from Northern Ireland. Are you sure? Can you imagine, you are a

man that likes a posh bird, some bird saying she has been knocking

out the stables. I am all dirty. But I am not as dirty as you. Get

your job for us off and show us what you are made of. Right? Like

some kind of Ballymena eat Dahl. -- Have you got a big Massey-Ferguson

waiting for you? Are you going to plough my field and scatter your

good seed over my groin? Even though it is the Sabbath day, I

will take you took some -- Sunday- school. What if it was like

sovereign birds? Jesus, what are you doing it to me. Put it away.

Look what you have made me do. work it. Use me. Do me. Occupy my

six counties. Take away my land. Subjugate my land! Lead shoes so

meet my dirty partition! -- let me show you my dirty partition.

would like to make you a quick apology far last week when I said

Stephen Nolan was dead. I now realise I may have got some

people's hopes up though. Who is this in the lift? Our guest is posh

and knows her way in the jungle. The husband of our next guess was

alleged to have taken cash for questions, but at least he wasn't

spending it on hers! Please welcome Amateur Chef and professional

battle axe, Christine Hamilton! Goodness me. That is the sort of

well, I like. I tell you what, Christine, you are looking spot on.

Thanks. I am doing all right. I am over 60 by a one year. You should

avoid the Old Trafford area of Manchester. The acres Wayne Rooney

hangs around there. Is he in two older women? I think he is into

anything. How have you been on a diet, or what is it that is making

you look so fine? You do know how to flatter a girl. I have been on a

diet. You may not know this, but I did a show called Master Chef and

everybody else loses weight, but I put it on. You have to cook with

butter and cream and all the things I do not normally took with and I

was eating it all up, but I have lost that weight now. I am buying

up your biscuits and chocolate digest it. I was wondering if I

could put something over them so I cannot see them. Can I do that? Is

that OK? Did she smell classy? smelt of the British upper class.

Kind of clean. It was nice. Hang on a moment, I could not be any less

upper-class. I am 100 % middle class. I don't think so, Christine.

We are so underclass that we are subterranean. That is because you

are a number of the criminal classes. We get by. It said

somewhere that you and Neill appeared in a gay iconic play

called the Rocky Horror Picture Show. The 30th anniversary tour,

that was wonderful, sex drugs and rock'n'roll, what else junior? --

what else do you need? Neil became totally addicted to the fish nest -

- fishnet tights. Well, he is a Tory politician. It is what quite a

few of them wear. Is there a man who would tempt you to leave him?

commit adultery every day in my mind! Christine, are you committing

adultery in your mind right now? Quite heavily. With who? I cannot

decide. It would be kinky not to. It would be rude not to. I wouldn't

one to come between friends. interesting choice of friends --

race. Here is a wee bit of music. She looks like Rod Hull in drag. As

Rod Hull does now! You were involved in the Houses of Commons

in the 1980s when the Tories were sweeping through power. It seems

like everybody was bonking everybody backstage. Was it really

like that? Of course! I tell you what. I worked in parliament for 26

years, and I was only 21 when I went there, but I have seen a lot

of it. They have the power, and power, you have it as well. You

have all the switches and stuff. It is very impressive and Members of

Parliament have impressive places to take members of parliament and

it is extraordinary, because unattractive MPs can get much more

attractive girls than they would be able to, so that his talent goes on.

Do you miss politics? No! I have left it for the real world of

showbiz, entertainment and radio. You are too good looking for

politics. I read somewhere it was showbiz or ugly people. Well, some

politicians are quite good looking. Have you seen Barbara De Bruin?

Don't be nasty about the nation's sweetheart, and Anne Widdecombe.

What about Lembit Opik? He did pull a cheeky girl. He is bonkers.

Christine! I would like someone like you to be my mum. Is that all

right? To be my mum? Both of you? Why not? How you got a mum? None

worth to walking about. Father's Day causes great confusion around

here. It is awfully flattering. What would I have to do? Just told

me. Change me. Occasionally. often is occasionally? As often as

you like! Gone, it's a deal. Thanks, mummy. Will you buy me an X-Box?

It is an electronic device. That is correct. I will buy you one. Can

you share one, or do you need one age?. Hang on, I beg your pardon?

Say that again. On Sunday dinner... Oh, Sunday dinner. Let me slow it

down for you. Yes, thank you. On Sunday din-dins? Yes? Right, round

yours with Neil, me and Pablo? You have to count out the peas,

make sure they're the same. And do not try and say that having a wee

bit more extra peas is the same as having the same of roast potatoes

cos it's not! No, it's not. No, I would never do that, it's not.

Because peas are peas and potatoes and potatoes. You can have as much

as you like. That's all right. Thank you. Unless you start to put

on weight. Thank you. OK? Cool. Mummy? Thank you very much for

coming on to our show. I'll go home and get the tatties on. Go you home,

sort out a few spare rooms for me and the Pablo, we'll be over next

week. OK, brilliant. Happy days. Where's my hug? Give you a hug?

Give me my hug. Oh, give you a hug. Aw, bye-bye. Thank you. Oh, two

kisses. Happy days. Two kisses. Pablo, show the lady out.

pleasure. Bye-bye. Just for your information, Your Ladyship, I am

quite the fan of Lady Chatterley's Lover and The Graduate, OK? I think

I get your drift, Pablo. Bye-bye, I'm going to put the beef on.

She can see to my beef any time. Christine Hamilton there! Christine

is the second most outrageous woman in politics. She would have been

the first but Iris Robinson pipped her at the post by bopping that

teenager. Right, right, right. Here we go. Three, two, one... Go!

Stare! Blink. Go on, blink. Blink. Blink. You blink. No, you blink.

You blink. You blink. You blink. Blinky. You blink. Blink off. I own

you. Blink 182. I own you. I own you. You have a fly on your face.

Blinkety Blink, Blinkety Blink. It'll make you blink. Blink! Blink!

Oh, bollocks! How do you do that? Championi. Derry's an amazing city

though, isn't it? Any city that has three or four girls to every bloke,

unbelievable. And the girls' legs are... Tidy. All the hills, Derry

Hill legs. It's got good scenery, it's got nice hotels, it's...close

to Donegal. It's got one bar you can go to safely. Would you come

and live here though? No. City of Culture? I've had yoghurts with

more culture. LAUGHTER What's that you have there? I am trying to

learn the words to a song, mate. I'm going to audition for the X

Factor. You want to be famous then? But I'm being realistic. People

think they'll get famous overnight. I'll give it two weeks. And you

think you can get on X Factor? Stephen Hawking can run off with

his mistress, I can get on the X Factor. Mate, you cannot sing.. #

All the single ladies All the single ladies

# All the single ladies All the single ladies All the single

ladies... # Pablo?

# All the single ladies All the single ladies.

# Pablo. Pablo! # All the single ladies.

# Pablo! Sorry, sorry, sorry. They said I was a bit too dignified for

Big Brother. Fair point. Here, there's the lift moving. That's the

band. A band coming in here? Yep. Right. Who is it this time? I think

you'll like this one. Right. They're like an indie band, wait,

right, but they are both epic in scale and vision. Is it Muse?

Is it Queen? No. Is it the Vienna Boys Choir? Look, we couldn't fit

them in the lift, it's not them. Right, well, who is it then? They

are Rams' Pocket Radio. All right, lads? Hello. How're yous getting

on? All good. So, lads, tell us this here. Have yous any good gigs

or supports that yous have done lately? Yeah, we recently toured

with Darwin Deez and played a gig with Marina And The Diamonds...

Shite. No, you'd like Marina. Really? Oh, aye. What's the song

you're going to do for us. Going to do a song called Dieter Rams Has

Got The Pocket Radios. Cool, all right, fire away, into the boudoir.

Don't make a mess. Bye! Peter from Derry has called in to the shoot

the breeze with us. Yo, Pete! All right, Pablo, Steeky? You've had

the odd brush with the law, lads, hey? Say hypothetically a man

lunges at me with what I thought was a knife but turned out to be a

flare for a night club. Uh...easy mistake. I accidentally knocked him

over, then someone compounded the error by beating him to death with

a traffic cone. Just hypothetically, aye? Yeah? I was arguing with my

mates as to whether that constituted murder or self defence.

That sounds like a pretty clear case of murder of there, Pete.

lads, murder, we'll have to bury him - thanks, Steeky, you've been a

great help. For Christ's sake, Pablo, do you not screen these

calls? Uh? And now for our next caller, Martina. Marty-girl, what

do you want to talk about? Well, I'm fed up with all the stupid men

in Belfast who just treat women as sex objects. That's a good point,

Martina. Great point, Martina. Now, tell us what you're wearing. CALLER

HANGS UP Aw, bless. I remember the very first time I asked your ma the

same question. How drunk was she? She was pretty drunk. Fair play.

And a big shout out to Adam and Steve, who are celebrating their

civil partnership today. Two lads getting married, that's class.

Why's that, Pablo? Just think how amazing a double stag night would

be - wall-to-wall naked women strippers, wouldn't it? Um, yeah,

Pabs, I don't think you really get the gay thing. There's the lift

again. Who've you got for me? fella that owns that there posh

restaurant. Our next guess has his own award-winning restaurant.

Essentially, it's like McDonald's, but with fewer divorced fathers

gazing forlornly at their children. Please welcome award-winning chef,

Jason Moore. Evening, gents. How are you? All right, mate? Grab

yourself a wee seat there, take the weight off your plates. That's a

wee kitchen reference. I like that. Well, Jason Moore, how are you

keeping? Very well, yourselves? too bad. Thank you for coming in.

pleasure... Could you not shave? Pardon? Could you not have shaved?

No. He's a rock and roll chef. aren't they all? We all are, rock

and roll chefs. Do you sit there in the kitchen barking orders and have

everybody go, "Yes, chef!" A wee bit, not that much. Do you know how

far that would work with me? You wouldn't get through the entree. We

could bring you in for a day, would you like that? Would you like a

kitchen knife in your chest? That's what'll happen. You'd get one right

back! Ooooh! That there's fighting talk. Fighting talk for a man that

cooks, like. HE LAUGHS What sort of training did you have to do? To be

a chef you have to do as much training as you can, work in as

many good restaurants as you can, for as many good chefs as you can

to learn as much as you can. you ever work for the Little Chef?

Little Chef, let me think. I've worked with lots of Little Chefs,

bit like yourselves. Bernard Matthews? Pardon? Bernard Matthews?

RIP, Bernard. Ah, Bernard. May his Turkey Twizzlers rest in peace.

Turkey Twizzlers were a mistake. The machines were set up wrong,

they were supposed to be making sausages and they spit out all this

stuff. Seriously? Yeah, that's how it came about. They couldn't sell

it to anybody, so they sold it to schools. Something so delicious

created by accident. That there is a present from God. It is. Glory in

imperfection. Why, Jason, does all food taste better inside a floury

bap? Some foods might, what sort of foods taste good in a floury bap to

you? Absolutely everything. Sausage rolls - the classic bap and two.

Two sausage rolls in a bap. Even a McDonald's Quarter Pounder - which

is already in a bap - stick that in a bap and it's even better. All

things in life, in a bap. Everything? Absolutely, any

foodstuff you can name. Name any foodstuff. Foie gras. In a bap.

you know what Foie gras is? No. you've never had Foie gras?

Would we want to? Absolutely, it's the most delicate think you could

ever eat. More delicate than a fillet o' fish? Fillet o' fish,

yeah, just as delicate as a fillet o' fish. What is Foie gras? It's an

over-sized liver of a duck. HE RETCHES And how do they get it

thus? Well, they don't do it like this now, but they used to get the

duck or the goose and then nail its feet to a plank. Then they used to

force-feed it with a screw. Which must be nice. That's not very nice

at all. And you put that in your mouth?! Do you apply the two second

rule in your kitchen? Two-second rule? No. Drops on the floor, two

seconds, on the plate. That's a myth. No, if it drops on the floor,

you have to put it in the bin. Aye, right. You do! Sure you do.

told you about the two-second rule? Everybody knows about the two-

second rule. Otherwise known as "the food for the difficult

customer." Jason, give us two wee seconds, the listeners want to hear

a few beats, so I'm just going to play a wee tune then come back to

you, OK? I brought back a McDonald's once. What was wrong

with it? Well, I asked for a medium rare, and it was well done. How

dare they? I sent it back. How dare they? With a flea in their ear.

you get extra cheese back? I think I might have done. Extra mayo,

there seemed to be extra mayo in it. Eurgh. Do you eat your five a day?

Yes. Does pear cider account? What is the most disgusting food you

have eaten? Most Scottish food, for example, is disgusting.

strangest thing was living in Asia, and on the streets of Bangkok you

can bite deep fide -- you can buy a deep fried grubs and cockroaches,

that sort of thing. They are not as bad as you think. Very good for you.

We just sprayed it with soy sauce. Were you picking up tips about

cooking? I picked up a few cooking tips. Who is the most famous person

you have cooked for? Princess Diana. The Princess are our hearts. Do you

remember what you cook for her? had fish. It must have been a

Friday. I couldn't say, but it must have been a Friday. That is

surprising. I was under the impression that she loved the meat

for --. I thought that was your Princess! Shame yourself! I see

William gave his fiancee his mother's engagement ring. That is

going to work out just fine, isn't We have learned a lot today, like

what is for one grave. What is veal? -- for a grave. Veal is a

baby cow. A baby cow? You kill baby cows? Of course, yes. Would you

kill a baby sheep? Lamb? Definitely. Baby pigs? Suckling pigs?, yes.

Kittens? Have you ever cooked a kitten? I have milked one.

milked a kitten? How in the name of Jesus did you know OK kitten?

just get hold of the teat things and do it. What is wrong with him?

There's a woman round the block with a load of kittens, we could go

as sideline going. Kit and milk. Kit and cheese. We could sell it

through your chef. Of course you could. Jason, it has been a

pleasure. You worry gentleman, a scholar and a cook. You can come

round any time and cook as a wee something in a bap. Jason, thank

you very much! You kitten that milking it weirdo! Taking out, sort

him out, keeping away from animals. Jason Moore, his Northern Ireland

and so to Jamie Oliver, except not a complete idiot. I just thought I

would say that if you did not -- did fancy knocking a human, I am

free when says. That sounds good. I would just like to make a quick

apology by last week's medical section. As it turns out, dyslexics

are not the evil villains that attacked Dr Who! Our caller has two

minutes to guess the mystery item. We will play with the returning

champion, Jez, are you ready? ready. Your time starts now. I am

not sure how to describe it. It is something you would use to prop up

the table at one of the legs are shorter than the other. Is it a

poor person? Teachers like them? Detention? Everybody was passed

around the school and had a go on it. Was it Kelly and from four be?

No, it is kind of papery and people find it difficult and people find

it most irritating question of Anne Was it the positing a theory by

Isaac Newton that all matter is uniform? No, it is not the theory

of relativity. Did he get drunk at Christmas and cause everyone to be

sick because he did something to the turkey? Now, love -- rich

people love going into these and love talking about it and then they

used a special language questor of a Starbucks franchise? Is it a

book? Don't die have to get what We are now going on to the band we