Episode 2 Belfast FM

This programme contains strong language and scenes of Repetitive Flashing Images.

Belfast DJ, Steeky, here with tracks that will have you jumping

like an depressive off the Foyle Bridge.

But before I start putting on some phat tunes the night,

I'd just like to give a quick shout out to my niece, Leanne.

Leanne's got a big test coming up,

so I hope you're doing plenty of studying, wee girl.

But how much studying helps you when you're getting tested for AIDS, I do not know.

And here's a man with a lot of heart, he's smart, he's a work of art.

Sometimes follows through when he farts. You know him as Pablo! Respect, Pablo!

Reh-reh-reh!

On tonight's show, we have heavyweight boxer, Martin Rogan.

Fisting fun.

Man of the dead, wooooooh, Derek Acorah.

-Spooky.

-Music in the Live Boudoir from Yes Cadets.

-Sound.

And our quiz, Brain Dead. But first, some music.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

All right?

-Late again?

-Your ma takes a while to finish, like.

You're mad as my da.

HE CHUCKLES Classic!

-Right then, come on. Let's do it.

-Are you sure you want to do this?

-Yes, cos I'm going to win this time!

-Not a chance.

-Right, go.

All right. Let's count it off.

Three, two, one... gay-off.

-I washed my teeth special.

-Oh God, you're not going to...?

-Come on.

-No.

-You know you want to.

-Go on, back down. Back down. Aaah! No, no, no!

No, no, no! PABLO LAUGHS

-The difference is, you actually want this! You want it!

-Yeaaah!

-Gay-off champion, 2011.

-You want this.

-One-nil.

-You want Steeky.

You want Steeky.

Somebody has to.

I'd like to apologise to any epileptics who were listening last week.

Apparently, it's disrespectful to use them as rodeo rides for the kids.

Really sorry about that.

-My comments really seem to have shook some people up.

-Steeks!

-Oh, no!

Sorry, I mean when some people heard them, they almost had a fit.

-Steeky!

-Ah, shit.

-The lift's going.

-Who is it?

-It is none other than the hardest man in Belfast.

-Martin Rogan?

Oh aye. But I'd take him. Ha ha!

Our guest is a heavyweight boxer who didn't think he'd turn professional.

Then he beat Audley Harrison to a pulp. So he's still not sure.

Please welcome, from Belfast, "Iron Man" Martin Rogan!

Yeeaaaah!

-Smoking room, huh?

-Yes.

-Grab a pew.

-Why did you keep me in the smoking area?

Sorry, that's where we have a non-stop joint rolling operation.

-As we call it, the playroom.

-HE LAUGHS

So, have you been fighting recently?

-I was fighting last Saturday, yeah.

-How did you get on?

-I won on points.

-Yeah!

-Yeah! We were there.

Lord Rogan, tell me this,

what is the best Audrey Harrison joke you've heard so far?

-The best...?

-Do you want to hear mine?

-Go ahead.

What have Audrey Harrison and Michael Jackson got in common?

They both wear gloves for nothing! Haaaaaa!

-High five!

-Very good.

Sir Martin of Rogan, you have boxed in both the Immaculata and Holy Trinity Boxing Clubs.

-Yeah.

-Tell me, are they in the Protestant or Catholic parts of town?

They're in the Catholic parts of town, they're in west Belfast.

One in Turf Lodge and one in Lower Falls.

Do you think that there's something about people from Belfast?

We like a wee bit of aggro, almost? We're kind of good at fighting.

-Never stop fighting, do we?

-Exactly.

Thankfully, in the last ten years, we've stopped.

You want to see Pablo's moves when he's practicing for his boxing.

-Watch me go.

-Look at that!

-Left foot, right foot.

-Left foot, right foot.

-Look at that.

-Left foot.

-Beautiful.

-Look at me dance. Look at me go.

-Very good.

Oul' Pablo here reckons that he might have a wee chance against you.

-I'll go easy on you, right?

-Look at that.

We'll fight Marquis of Sainsbury rules.

-I tell you what we'll do, right? Just say, for the crack, right?

-Right.

It's the heavyweight Championship of South Belfast, right?

You, in the red shorts. In the blue, Pablo here.

-Well, brown shorts, really.

-Yeah, probably.

Yes, they'll be brown after it.

Pretend it's the press conference, right, before the fight.

Yous have done your weigh-in. With, you know, all your things,

you're doing a bit of slabbering and all that there.

Give us a wee bit of slabbering.

Pablo's said he had a wee rattle at your ma, and she loved it.

-He had what?

-That's what he said.

-I've had what they say in France...

-No, no.

-Petit...

-Don't be saying nothing about my mother, now, Pablo.

Yeah, Pablo. Are they brown yet?

Yeah.

Have you browned yourself?

You do not want to look around this desk, mate. I tell you.

The smell's enough.

Would you like to visit somewhere?

-Steeky, I think I've got squirty bum-bum.

-Oh, you have?

-Oh no. You have, too.

I think you just... Never talk about the mother, now.

Talk about anything else, but never touch the mother.

-Is it ever OK to beat up a woman?

-Pardon?

-Is it ever OK to beat up a woman?

-No.

-Not your mum, but a woman in general?

-Never. Never ever.

But what if she's a bit of a melter?

-Sure we're all melters, aren't we?

-Aye, that is true.

-A lot of men are melters too, aren't they?

-Wise words.

You're away from home a lot. You have a baby.

-Is that not difficult for you to kind of cope with?

-It does be, yeah.

She lightens the burden of what I have to do as well.

We have to work as a team. Just don't be teamworking in the gym,

it's teamwork in the house, you know?

At home, it's teamwork as well.

I cannot imagine you swapping the aul' boxing gloves for the Marigolds, though.

-You want to see me with an apron on!

-Aw, mate, don't spoil it!

-It's nice!

You're my hero, like. Is it one of the ones with a wee pair of boobies and all on it?

Oh, God.

-Yeah!

-THEY LAUGH

Rogey, don't go away, we're going to play a wee track,

it's going to just melt the bake off you.

Houl' on, here it is here.

THUMPING DANCE MUSIC

Get down your bad self, Rogey.

One of the biggest tragedies, imagine if Rogey had a really good-looking daughter?

-Oh mate, you just would not.

-Pointless, like.

-No way would you go near that.

-No.

Martin McGuinness's daughter's gorgeous, right, she's a model.

What's the point? Looks are wasted on her, who'd want to go out with her?

Imagine if Marty says to you, right,

"I want our wee Marcella back by nine o'clock."

-Have her back by nine o'clock.

-You have her back by eight.

Oh, you would, aye. Aye.

THEY LAUGH

Martin, you have said, though, that you can't forget,

but you can forgive.

A couple more fights down the line, you'll find it easy to do both?

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Yeah. That's easy for you to say.

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Are you worried? Seriously? Are you worried about... do you know what I mean,

you're getting punched in the face for a living! Is it not a worry?

If I was playing hurling, you'd be getting hit with a hurling stick.

Sure you go out the street in the morning, you get hit by a bus.

Yes, but not repeatedly, round the chops!

But the objective of the sport is not to get hit round the chops.

But unfortunately, I'm one of them ones that block punches with my face at times!

Tell me this, do you worry, or does your wife worry,

about you losing your good looks?

I never really had them to start with, so we're not too fussed on that one!

Mate, I'm closest to him, I'm the one who's going to take the beating.

-One thing I need to ask you, right?

-Go ahead.

Well, right, I'm kind of scared,

it's a little bit of a personal question, right?

Hold on till I get a bit closer.

-Oh, Jeepers, oh, mate. Right.

-Go ahead.

-Pablo, Pablo...

-See before a fight...

-Right, just say the word.

..Is it true you're not allowed to have a wee bit of nookie with the missus?

-Is that true?

-It's not the fact that it's true, I think it's...

Well, they say that most of your vitamins is taken when you do that.

-It takes out all your vitamins.

-What did you do?

Did you do, like, abstinence, or did you, like, get a wee bit of nookie?

-That's actually a personal question.

-I just kept reading.

-What, Razzle?

-A lot!

Right. So you're allowed a wee ham shank, like?

HE LAUGHS

Are you calling him a wanker?

I'm not calling boxing champion, Martin Rogan, a wanker.

What did he call me, Pablo?

No, I was saying that by him asking you did you enjoy a bit of

five knuckle shuffle, was he referring to you as a wanker?

I was not, Rogey, I swear to God. I was not.

A lot of men like the five knuckle shuffle, it depends who's doing it!

Is that why they bring a wee bucket on during the match?

Just in case, like, a wee bit spilled out.

That's in case you're out on your feet and they stick your head in it!

Give it a good shake.

So, Rogey, where is next for your Lordship, His Grace, Your Benevolence, Lord Roganson?

If we get the European title, which we're trying to get,

then the only next step is a World Title fight.

-Woooah!

-And then hopefully, I can close the gap

and close all the people saying I should never have took up boxing,

I shouldn't think of World Titles. I wasn't supposed to beat the others.

I wasn't supposed to beat Matt Skelton.

And I beat the both of them!

BOTH CHEER

BOTH: Rogey! Rogey!

Rogey! Rogey! Rogey!

-Martin, it's been a pleasure.

-Brilliant.

-Totally, mate.

-And we absolutely love you.

-Love yous too.

I really hope you beat the crap out of everybody.

Get me back onto the radio station, I want back up here,

Bring me back after I break into the European title.

Martin, thank you so much. You're an absolute legend.

Tickets will be in the post.

Good man. Happy days.

Don't hold your breath waiting on them.

Pablo, show the man out.

Martin Rogan there, ladies and gentlemen. As mentioned,

Martin has actually beaten heavyweight champion Audrey Harrison.

Of course, these days Audrey Harrison has been beaten around the ring

more often than that George Michael. But still... Moving on.

Martin, listen. Steeky's not looking and all but...

No. What is it?

Can I have a hug?

-A hug?

-Aye.

All right.

Cheers, Martin.

-Thanks for the day.

-Thank you.

-Take it easy now. Be careful now.

-Thank you, Martin.

-Don't go, Martin.

-I have to go.

Stay with us.

Good luck. Later.

See you later.

-Bye-bye.

-Martin?

Martin?

Martin?

Martin!

That's probably one of the biggest myths,

the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

That is true, actually. The bigger they are,

the harder they are to fight, cos they're stronger.

I don't think anyone ever said that of Mike Tyson.

Mike Tyson, he's a big lad, but I bet you he goes down easy.

No neck, no neck at all. He just had a head and then a chest.

He was just muscle. A pair of eyes and then a chest.

Eyes and then nipples. That was it.

Now for our next caller, who apparently doesn't want to give his name out.

'I'm calling in a bomb warning.'

You what? I think you must have the wrong station, mate.

'Look, just let the police know.'

You want me to tell the police? Piss off.

'Sean, Andrea, Caroline, Jim. Look, the police need to know.'

Look, when the cops question me, I'm more quiet than a Jedward fan at a Megadeth gig.

My lips do less flapping than and Stephen Nolan's belly when he's on a treadmill.

EXPLOSION

Now, what were you saying?

'Doesn't matter now.'

LINE GOES DEAD

Now, on to the mystery quiz where our caller has two minutes to guess our mystery item.

Once more, we're playing with returning champion, Jez.

Jez, are you ready?

'Ready!'

Your time starts... now.

-It's something that people will spend their last pennies on before they buy food.

-'Is it water?'

No, it's something people enjoy putting in their mouths and sipping on.

-'Oh, in that case...'

-No, it's not that, Jez. Not that. They're white and orange,

they aren't very healthy, they're cheap

-and some people find them strangely compelling.

-'Um, Jordan?

'No, wait. Is it a prehistoric monument

'rumoured to be constructed by Merlin in Arthurian legend?'

It isn't Stonehenge, no.

'Did it ever get really drunk on tequila and do a strip in a bar,

'fall on one of the bouncers,

'giving him a cheap thrill and a sexual infection?'

It's not my ma, no. It's bad for your health.

Some people think this is cool, but they're wrong.

And supermodels love this for no apparent reason.

-'Um, Pete Doherty?'

-Almost out of time here, Jez.

'A packet of cigarettes?'

How does he do it?

'Ha ha, ha ha.

'I am victorious again.'

What?

There's a lift moving. That must be our next guest.

Who is it this time?

It's a band, you're going to like this one.

-OK. Is it the Pet Shop Boys?

-No.

Is it Erasure?

No.

Is it the romantic piano of Richard Clayderman?

As much as I would love that, no.

Well, who is it?

They're a band called Yes Cadets. Clap when you see them. Here they come.

Right, OK.

The Yes Cadets. Morning.

The Yes Cadets!

Hi, Steeky. Hi, Pablo.

-Yay!

-How are you getting on?

-Aye, not too bad.

-All right.

They look lovely.

Told you they looked nice, didn't I?

Another four young ladies.

I know. Lovely.

Hold on, some of them have beards.

Lady beards.

You in the red dress. What's your name?

I'm Lisa.

Lisa. Are you the backing singer?

No, I'm the drummer.

-The drummer?!

-A female drummer.

I have a weapon. You be nice now.

Are the rest of you boys not manly enough for the drums, no?

Anyway, you played the Oxegen Festival last year. Is that right?

That's right, yeah.

How was that for you?

It was a bit like the opening scene from...

Saving Private Ryan.

What? People got shot?

Right, tell us about the song you're going to do for us today.

It's called Lies. Or "leys".

And what's that about?

He's talking all posh.

Have you got signed to a label? Have you got an album coming out?

When can we see some more of Yes Cadets?

It's out, or maybe it's not... depends where you live.

You're in the band, aren't you? You do know what's going on?

It'll be out soon.

If you would kindly now go and step into the boudoir,

Steeky's boudoir.

It's going to see more action than it has done in recent months.

Watch it.

-Thank you very much, Yes Cadets.

-Thank you.

Pleasure.

THEY YELL INDISTINCTLY

-Give it a heap.

-And if you feel like going tops off, that is OK with us.

That's fine. But not for the blokes.

This week, I'd like to apologise for shouting at Stephen Hawking

when I saw him on the bus.

I now appreciate he had good reason for not giving that pregnant woman his seat.

Here, Steeks, did you know that if you drank, like, two bottles of vodka, you'd die?

Of course! Who doesn't know that?

My cousin Darren didn't know it.

He does now, mind you.

-Here's the lift again.

-Who is it this time?

It's that fella from Liverpool. The one who communes with the dead.

Does house ghost busting!

Next up, a medium. Yes, ladies and gentlemen,

a man who communicates with the dead.

So there's only one question we all want to ask him.

Just what is Lady Diana wearing right now?

Please welcome Derek Acorah!

CANNED APPLAUSE

Hello, guys.

What about you, Derek. It is brilliant to see you here in our city. Are you well?

-I'm very well, thanks, Steeky. Yeah. Really well.

-Excellent.

You are no stranger to the good city of Belfast.

Can you tell the people at home how you have come to know our great city?

Yes, well, many years ago, Steeky, I came out with the great

Alex Young, ex-Everton player, who signed for the Great Glens, Glentoran, player manager.

And Alex was a good friend, and he asked me whether I'd like to come out to join him at the Glens

and I did, and for the time that I was here,

I really, really enjoyed playing with the Glens.

Did you go out on the sauce, when you were in Belfast? Did you enjoy a tipple or two?

Yeah, just like anyone else, you know. Towards the weekends, not in the week when you were training,

but go out for a couple of drinks, and maybe a meal, and really enjoy it.

A bit of music, dancing. That's what life's all about, isn't it?

Are there a few little Dereks running about, probably in their twenties now?

Ha, ha! Only in my family, Steeky, only in my family.

When you were with Glentoran, did you ever play

alongside George Best, cos I think he played a testimonial or something.

No, I didn't, but I played against George Best

-when I was at Liverpool Football Club under the great Bill Shankly.

-Wow.

I was playing for the reserves, we were playing up at Man Utd's ground.

It was a Wednesday night game under floodlights.

And Georgie Best was a young man that was coming through.

He'd had an injury so they were playing him in this reserve game.

And I had the unenviable job to mark Georgie Best.

And he left me on my arse more times than I was standing up.

He was that fast, he was that good.

He was better then your Peles, he was better than Eusebios.

Georgie Best was the greatest footballer,

all-round footballer, and goal scorer

that I've ever seen in football.

And drinker.

Unfortunately. How many players do have a drink too much?

It's unfortunate and sad.

Hold that thought, Derek. We're going to take a short break

for a banging piece of hard house music.

We'll be right back.

HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS

Like that.

PABLO SINGS ALONG

-To be fair, like, he was brilliant at drinking.

-He was the best, mate.

Better drinker than Pele. Better than Messi.

-If there was a World Cup of drinking...

-He'd fill it up with drink.

Aye, he would.

THEY LAUGH

When did you realise you could talk to the undead?

When I was a little boy,

I'd had an experience at my grandma's house

and a man appeared himself to me in one of the bedrooms,

and I thought, there's a stranger in my gran's house.

-Strange man in the bedroom?

-It's not going to end well.

It was my grandfather who passed away two-and-a-quarter years before I was born.

I didn't know him.

But you have, like, what, is it called your spirit guide, Sam?

-Absolutely. He's here with me. He's here Pablo, here. To the back of me.

-Where?

-He's here at the back of me.

-Hello, Sam.

-Hey, Sam.

-He can hear you guys.

-Is he all right? Is he on good form today?

-He's a good man.

-Is he with you, like, all the time, like, you know,

when you go to the toilet or when you're being intimate with your significant other?

No, he doesn't. My private time's my private time.

-Whenever you pass on yourself, Derek...

-Yes.

Let's hope it's not for a very long time,

who will you choose as your spirit guide?

Well, I believe, Sam. It's going to be roles reversed.

He's coming back in a new life, and I'll be watching over him.

-So, watch out, world, because Sam's coming back.

-Whoa...

And this time, it's personal.

-Oh, yes.

-Do you think Sam might actually try to do you in, then?

Try to, like, steal your body or something?

No, no, he's a good friendly benign spirit man.

-Are you very sure?

-Yes. I've checked him out.

-I've known him for a lot of years.

-I've known Pablo for a lot of years but I still sleep with one eye open.

And he is right to do so.

Absolutely.

Can I ask, Derek, is he, like, in heaven, right?

Is Elvis, like, fat '70s Elvis,

or is he like, skinny, good-looking '50s Elvis?

Elvis, like anyone else, Pablo, once you go over there...

when you go over there, eventually, you know, your good self,

whatever age you go over,

you can revert back to the prime of your life.

So when Heather Mills goes, will she get her leg back?

Everything's renewed, Pablo. Everything's renewed.

If you lose your sight, you lose a limb, everything's renewed.

-I apologise. That was quite a rude question there, Pablo.

-I'm sorry.

-Derek, a question that's been on my mind since childhood.

-Yes.

Do all dogs go to heaven?

-Do all dogs?

-Yes.

-Absolutely. They've got spirit within as well.

But their kingdom is called the animal kingdom

which is separate to the human kingdom in the world of spirit,

so the animals can't go into the human kingdom aspect or dimension,

but the humans can go and play with those animals in the animal kingdom.

So you can go in and take your wee puppy for a walk and all that?

-Absolutely. It goes on all the time.

-Brilliant!

We can go and see Pincher again. He's probably...

-if somebody came near him, he'd eat them, if they're dead or not.

-True.

-He was quite a violent puppy.

-Do know what, Derek?

-You see you believe in ghosts, right?

-Yes.

-Class. It's brilliant.

You know you do your...

-you know you took your Girls Aloud on like a ghost hunt, right?

-Mm.

Were you tempted to touch any of them and blame a ghost?

Well, in actual fact, you know...

Yeah, all very pretty girls, aren't they?

-Well, four of them are.

-I didn't...

Oh, Pablo!

That's not fair.

Anyway, Pablo, you know, it's true.

Had I intended to anything with those girls,

I've always got my wife in the background. Imagine what she'd do. Even if I thought that way.

-I'd have left her in the house.

-So, Derek, can you see our souls?

-No medium can see anyone's souls.

-You can't see our soles?

Your souls are hidden, but your spirit within,

I can see what type of guys you are.

-Would you like to see our souls?

-You're totally different, you two.

Am I hearing things, or did he just say 'arseholes'?

Man, he's done programmes with boy bands. He should know what arseholes are by now.

THEY LAUGH

So, is there nobody in the studio right now?

I've been waiting,

but there's no one from the spirit world that I've stepped in, unfortunately.

Come on, lads. Get that finger out.

Is there anybody out there?

Come on, please.

Quick, Pablo, quick!

See your left? There's an outline of a lady.

I can't see her clearly,

but I don't know if you can feel her spiritual hand on your shoulder...

-No.

-..because she's leaning her hand on your shoulder right now.

-Whoa!

She seems a friendly soul, although I'm not seeing her clearly.

She's probably part of your family.

Probably linked on your mother's side, grandmother's side,

grandmotherly feeling with her.

I feel that she calms you down when you get angry,

when you want to throw things.

She calms you down, "Pablo, Pablo, calm down, calm down."

It's not his actual grandmother because she is actually in Maghaberry for GBH, so...

-it's probably not her.

-To be honest, if somebody's calming me down, it doesn't work very often.

-Right.

-Isn't that right, Steekster?

-That is correct.

Derek, thank you very, very much for coming all the way over here

and talking to us about 'our souls' and all of that.

It's been an absolute pleasure. Thank you Derek Acorah!

-Pablo, will you show the man out?

-I shall.

-Must be weird, though.

-What?

Going to work

to an empty chasm of despair with the cold merciless eyes of the dead on you.

I'm sure he's used to it. He's played Irish League football.

-THEY LAUGH

-That's true, actually.

Listen, Derek, thanks very much for coming along. Legendary.

-Listen, you're not leaving anybody behind are you?

-I promise you, Pablo,

-I'm going to take any spirit people out with me now. That's a promise.

-Sound.

-I've got to go now.

-See you later, Derek.

-See you, Pablo.

-Bye!

Thanks to Derek there.

Derek's spirit guide, Sam, has designer stubble

and likes listening to Shirley Bassey.

Confirmed bachelor Sam is also a lover of musical theatre.

And a big shout out to Tony who says

after splitting up with his girlfriend, he's never going out with a woman again.

Interesting. Do you reckon you could be gay, Pablo?

Don't know. How would it affect my benefits?

You really don't understand the gay thing, do you, Pabs?

What are the hours like?

PABLO HUMS

Right, mate, what are we doing now?

We are going over to the boudoir to hear that band that we seen and were talking to earlier.

-Space cadets?

-Yes Cadets, mate. Yes Cadets.

-This is a song called Lies.

-Yo!

MUSIC: "Lies" by Yes Cadets

# Da-ra-da-da-ra-ta

# Da-ra-da-da-ra-ta

# Da-ra-da-da-ra-ta

# Da-ra-da-da-ra-ta

# We

# Don't have to worry

# Though I sent the key to every city for free

# Da-ra-da-da-ra-ta

# Underneath the silver night

# I'll be where you lie

# You only have to close your eyes, I'll tell you what you want to hear

# If lie-ee-ie-ee-ies are the only thing to keep you satisfied

# I know one or two to whet your appetite

# I know one or two to whet your appetite

# If lie-ee-ie-ee-ies are the only thing to keep you satisfied

# We can turn a flicker to a blistering light

# I know one or two to whet your appetite

# Da-ra-da-da-ra-ta

# Da-ra-da-da-ra-ta

# We

# Don't have to worry

# You'll never have to burn another bridge for me

# Da-ra-da-da-ra-ta

# Underneath the silver night

# I'll be whoever you like

# Make up your precious mind

# Tell you what you want to hear

# If lie-ee-ie-ee-ies are the only thing to keep you satisfied

# I know one or two to whet your appetite

# I know one or two to whet your appetite

# If lie-ee-ie-ee-ies are the only thing to keep you satisfied

# We can turn a flicker to a blistering light

# I know one or two to whet your appetite

# When we find love or whatever it is

# I'll never give it all up, give it up for this

# Just get down then get up and forget about it

# Get down then get up and forget about it

# If lie-ee-ie-ee-ies are the only thing to keep you satisfied

# I know one or two to take you to a distant light

# I know one or two to whet your appetite

# Lie-ee-ie-ee-ies

# Da-ra-da-da-ra-ta

# Da-ra-da-da-ra-ta

# Da-ra-da-da-ra-ta

# Da-ra-da-da-ra-ta #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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There's a Girls Aloud concert on tonight. Do you want to go?

Why would that be any fun?

LAUGHS SINISTERLY