Episode 3 Belfast FM

This programme contains adult humour, strong language and flashing images

Yo, Belfast! You wanted it, you've got it.

It's me, DJ Steeky, here to make you shake

like a wee lad locked in a parochial house.

First up, a big shout out to my main man, Stevie.

Some of you will know that Stevie is in jail for something he didn't do.

That something he didn't do was remember to put on his balaclava before robbing the Post Office.

Hard luck, Stevie, see you in five.

And here is my great mate, a man you can't hate,

the chicks love to date, you know him as Pablo!

Steek, Steek, Steek, Steek, Steeky! Ker-ching!

On with the show. Tonight we have got Radio One hippy, Dr Stuart Flanagan.

-Wanker.

-We've got country bumpkin and Big Brother winner, Josie Gibson.

-Would.

-Music from The Wonder Villains.

-Class.

-But, first up, ladies and a gentlemen, some music.

THUMPING DANCE MUSIC

MUSIC ON RADIO

-All right, mate?

-All right.

Sorry I'm late, Jamie Oliver was on.

You know that Who Do You Think You Are? show?

Aye, the one where the celebs all start girning

because someone they didn't know died years ago?

Aye, that's the one. Well, I've been tracing my family tree. Well, more of a stump, really.

Is that cos your ma doesn't know who your da is?

Aye. But using records from the clap clinic and her diary, I've narrowed it down.

-Your ma kept a diary?

-Well, when I say diary, it's more a list of phone numbers and positions.

Some of these guys have got a star, they must have been good.

Star's just another position.

Oh, aye. I was wondering why it was brown.

Any of the men in March 1990 could have been my da.

-Jesus, there's loads.

-Well, you can't pregnant over from doing that.

You can get arrested for doing that.

That one probably explains why she walks with that limp.

Is that a picture of a goat?

Pablo, if you get rid of all the men your mum did unnatural things with,

you get left with just one respectable front door entry.

Pablo, this phone number is your father.

I'm phoning it.

This is a touching moment. This is going to be real emotional.

Here, get on the speaker phone, so I can call your da a wanker.

'Hello, you're through to the parochial house.

'Unfortunately, Father McGimley isn't here right now.

'Please say a Hail Mary after the beep.'

Holy shit!

Exactly. This explains a lot.

When I was a kid, I was always nervous around priests.

All kids are nervous around priests. It's good sense.

Maybe it explains why my ma is so religious.

Well, she's always on her knees, that's for sure.

When I was a kid, growing up,

most nights in the house I could hear my ma going, "Jesus, oh, Jesus, oh, Jesus,

"oh, Jesus!"

-Do you ever watch that Who Do You Think You Are? stuff on the telly?

-Yeah.

You know what's refreshing? When you see Jordan doing shows like that

you realise there were thick people back in the day.

-The lift's moving. Jeez, it's that time already.

-Who've we got first?

Cockwatcher doctor from Radio One.

Right, our next guest is an expert in sexually-transmitted infections,

an area that Pablo's ma had done a fair bit of research on, as well. Ha-ha!

From Radio One, please welcome Dr Stuart Flanagan!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Hi, boys.

-# Here comes Dr Flanny! He likes to look at fannies! #

-Dr Stu, what about you?

-How's it going, guys? Nice to see you.

-It is a privilege to have you here

-because we were thinking, we may need you help some time soon.

-Yes, exactly.

Your precious jewels may be in my hands at some point.

-So, you know, be nice to me.

-We will be. We will try.

-So, here, you're a doctor.

-Yes, I am.

-Do you know Dr Dre?

Dr Dre, yeah, he actually didn't go to my medical school,

-but I've heard about him. I think he's got similar qualifications.

-He was a real doctor.

-Whereabouts in London do you live?

-I live in Camden.

-BOTH COCKNEY-ESQUE: Camden.

-Camden Town. Camden Town.

-That's where all the Irish people go, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Is that where you pick up a lot of work?

-Keeps me in business, in sexual health.

-A lot of boys with, you know, issues down there.

A lot of issues down there, and the problem is what they issue,

obviously, and that's where I come in.

Is it true, on your radio show,

that someone asked you if crisp packets can be used as a condom?

-Yes, that is true.

-And the answer, I know you guys probably want to know about this,

-is no.

-No!

-No.

You see, I thought there would have been some kind of hierarchy.

Your kettle chips for the ladies and a packet of potato for the filthy whores.

You could use prawn cocktail, I guess.

I suppose it would kind of, the smell would remain the same, it would be consistent.

-But salt and vinegar might be a little bit problematic.

-Right out the window!

-You're know for working with, what do you call her, Sara Cox on Radio One.

-Yes.

-Do you like Cox?

-I like Sara, yes.

Would you be averse to kissing Cox?

Er, I've not been known to, at this stage,

but, you know, should things come up, obviously.

THE DUO SNIGGER

You go on the radio and you talk to teenagers about their private parts.

-Yes, I do.

-Your parents must be very proud.

-They are very proud of me, indeed.

-There's a lot of private work in sexual health, and lots of openings in sexual health.

-Wah!

-I've been working on that one for about six weeks.

-Nice one. Well done, Stu.

Have you guys ever needed to go to a sexual health clinic?

-No, definitely not, no.

-No, definitely not, no, no, no, never, never.

Because I did want to give you some advice about things that might happen

-that you might be worried about.

-OK, then, hypothetically speaking, just say a friend, let's call him

um, Eeky, right, say one of his testicles, right,

swole up to the size of a small grapefruit and the other one

shrank to the size of a peanut.

Yep. Just say that happened.

Then he'd definitely need to get a check-up and probably need a course of antibiotics.

But, you know, in worst cases, sometimes we need to do surgery.

Have you ever heard, for example, of a fractured penis?

-What?!

-Yes, it can happen.

-You can break your dick, like?

-Yes, you can do.

I don't know it would ever happen to you guys, because you have to have sex for it happen.

PABLO GROWLS

Pablo, calm down, he's a doctor, we may need his services.

-The safe word is Battenberg.

-Battenberg.

-OK?

-Battenberg.

-That'll stall him for about two or three minutes.

-Thanks.

-What were you saying, you might have to operate?

Yes, if you have really rough sex,

sometimes it can actually crack the penis and all the blood spills out.

THEY CRY OUT

It's not a good look.

Jesus!

Right, OK, but just stay where you are, go nowhere,

because we're going to have a wee break for a nice piece of music.

THUMPING DANCE MUSIC

SAME MUSIC FROM CAR

I have heard tell that you were actually in a Dr Who film.

I was in one of the DVDs, yes.

Was it shite?

It was voted by Dr Who fans as the worst DVD extra ever.

How about that?!

Being voted the worst by a bunch of losers like Dr Who fans,

-that must be pretty embarrassing.

-It's not good.

You're at Radio One at the minute.

-Yep.

-Who's nice to hang out with and who's a bit of a prick?

Well, Annie Mac is pretty cool. She went to Queen's in Belfast.

-That's right.

-And Grimmy, he does the show with Annie Mac.

He wears them wee tight jeans, doesn't it?

Yes, he does.

-Wanker.

-Hippy.

And who's a bit of a, bit of a wad, let's face it?

-Um...

-Name names.

I have to say the diplomatic answer would be everybody I work with is really nice.

-Who don't you work with, then?

-Um, I don't work with Fearne Cotton.

Right.

See what he's saying there? Reading between the lines.

-Probably you guys are big fans of her, are you?

-To me, looking at Fearne Cotton,

-she's as dirty as a bag of spuds. Would you agree?

-Um, Fearne has never been to my clinic,

-so I couldn't discuss those issues.

-She can afford better.

Dr Stu, is it true that here in Northern Ireland,

and Belfast specially, there is a very high incidence of teenage pregnancy?

Yes, that is true, actually, teenage pregnancy is quite high in Northern Ireland.

It's something we're really worried about and why we're encouraging people...

Two things, really. If you're going to have sex, make sure you use contraception, like a condom.

Or you don't have to have sex. I know that's a concept that's a bit crazy.

Sorry, what?

You don't have to have sex.

-I know.

-What? My brain's just melted.

Dr Stu, have you actually ever tried sex?

You'll know how good it is. How enhancing of the soul it is.

If you are going to have sex, at least use a condom, not a crisp packet.

I suppose that's fair enough. Good advice. Right, that's all we've time for. Pablo, show the man out.

Ladies and gentlemen, Dr Stuart Flanagan!

Cheers, bucko!

Thanks for coming round, nice to meet you.

Here. When you get back to Radio One, give that Fearne Cotton one for me, all right, son.

See you, I got to go.

Wanker.

And a big shout out to Gav, who's sad today, as his pet tortoise has died.

-Aw.

-But look on the bright side, Gav, you've lost a tortoise,

but you've gained an ashtray.

-Can I check something with you?

-Sure.

Here it is, right? It's really funny. I mean, you find it funny

when you see a bloke put a kitten into a catapult,

set it on fire and then fire it towards an orphanage. You'd laugh.

-You'd laugh if you saw that, right?

-What?!

No! That would be the most awful thing ever!

Right. Of course, that wouldn't be funny at all.

Listen, mate, don't look up my name on YouTube for a while.

HE GROANS

And now on to the mystery quiz, where our caller has two minutes

to guess our mystery item.

Once more, we're playing with returning champion, Giles.

-Giles, are you ready?

-'Ready!'

Your time starts...nnnnnnnow!

-It's something you need to live.

-'Erm, is it oxygen?'

-No. Something that makes you smile.

-'Erm...did this item

'write Chesney Hawkes' The One and Only

-'and become famous for wearing a snood?'

-Not Nik Kershaw, no.

'What if I put this item in my mouth?'

You'd become way more attractive to women

and suddenly be able to solve all the world's political problems.

'Did it appear in a video with 300 German men in a bouncy castle?'

-No, it's not my ma.

-'Would I take this item to a desert island?'

You would, if you wanted to get laid. Almost out of time.

'Er...is it a pint of lager?'

Balls! How do you do it?

'Ha-ha!'

Still to come, we have Big Brother queen, Josie Gibson,

and music from The Wonder Villains!

But before all that, a music track.

POUNDING DANCE MUSIC

-Red sauce for burgers.

-No.

-Brown sauce, pasty bap.

-Did you say red sauce with a burger?

-Yeah.

-Mate, get out of the car.

-What?! You have brown sauce on a burger?

The lights are red. Get out of the car.

-Right, you'd order a cheeseburger and you'd get brown sauce?

-No!

What would you have on a cheeseburger?

-Mayonnaise!

-No! Mayonnaise on a chicken burger.

Mayonnaise on a chicken burger, on any of the burger family.

-Got to go to my granny's funeral this weekend.

-Oh, mate, is she dead?

Gone...but not forgotten.

-Right, you'll be wanting to borrow my formal tracksuit, then.

-I will.

I'd just like to make a quick apology for last week.

Apparently, I really, really, really,

really, really should not have used that word about Barack Obama.

But we heard it in a rap video and thought it was OK for anyone to say.

-There's the lift going!

-Who's this, mate?

-It's the band I booked.

They've been on TV a few times. They've played at Glasgow.

They've been on the radio.

Er, and apparently they're from a place called Londonderry.

-They're called The Wonder Villains.

-It's not Oasis or Kasabian,

like I asked you to book?

-No.

-Was there some kind of a problem with the booking?

We were slightly shy on the money front.

Right, OK. Bring them in.

BELL PINGS

CHEERING

-Hello!

-Hello, Wonder Villains! How are you?

-Good.

-Isn't it great to have an all-girl band on the programme?

It's full of beautiful ladies! How are youse?

-ALL: Great.

-Happy days.

Is it true that youse like to write songs about television

and most of your songs is about TV?

-True.

-We're working on a song with you guys at the minute.

-What sort of TV do you write about?

-All my classics - Lost, Heroes...

Listen to their voices. "Bubbly, bubbly, bubbly, bubbly."

THEY CHUCKLE

Don't they talk great? Rachel, tell us which song you want to do for us.

It's called Space Jam, about the classic film Space Jam.

That is one of the top three best films of all time, as well as Street Fighter and Cobra.

If you don't mind making your way to the boudoir and get set up for the tune.

-Right-o. Thanks.

-Thank you.

And you'd better be good. For 50 quid we could have got Wagner!

Wankers.

What were you at at the weekend?

Ended up at Ravenhill, at a rugby match.

-You went to the rugby?

-Yes.

HE LAUGHS I know. Mate, it was awful!

It was pure shite. And, my God, you wouldn't believe it.

-See the way if we were at a match, right?

-Right.

And it's all like, "COME ON! GO AND BREAK HIS LEGS!

"REFEREE, YOU BASTARD!" All that there.

-Mm?

-None of that.

-What do you mean?

It's all like, POSH VOICE: "I say, Jonny, spit it out. Spit it out to the wing.

"Spit it out to the wing. Go on, Mark. Chase him. After him. Mark, get in there. HEAVE!"

Really boring. And their songs are absolutely crap.

-Do you know what the main Ulsters' chant is?

-What?

CHANTS LIKE A FOGHORN: Ulster!

BOTH CHANT: Ulster!

Sounds like a farting goose.

The guests won't ever, ever sing.

Even the shape of the ball, it's shaped like a testicle.

They love it.

They do. Then they all get in the shower and rub each other down.

POSH VOICE: "I say, Jonny, well played."

-Well, they have to get the mud off somehow.

-"You missed a bit.

"Let me get that for you. Ha ha. How's that?"

Those shorts are awfully tight, aren't they?

They have, and they've got huge, big, massive, big thighs.

And arses.

Massive big buttocks. Big, manly, big, beefy buttocks.

As my uncle used to say, "There's no greater joy than a big-arsed boy."

He was in the Navy, wasn't he?

-Then jail, yeah.

-Yes.

LIFT WHIRS

-It's about time for our next guest.

-Another one?

-Aye.

-Who is it this time?

-It's your woman from Bristol.

Our next guest claims that she goes for men who treat her mean.

Well, then, I'm your man. Get out of that lift, you sexy bumpkin! Josie Gibson! Yeah!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

-BRISTOL ACCENT:

-Hello, my lovely.

-All right, love?

-Sit yourself down there, love.

-Thank you very much.

-I like your pussy.

-Thank you very much.

-What is that on your head?

-Have you got a dead rodent on your head?

-This is my new hat.

It's all about the animal hats this year.

-It's very fetching. I like it.

-It's nice and warm for the winter.

-Steeky, mate?

-What, mate? What?

-Is she foreign?

-I can't understand a word she says.

-She's from Bristol.

-Bristol?

-Bristolian.

-Apparently one of your hobbies is riding horses.

Do you like having big things between your legs?

SHE LAUGHS

Pablo! Answer the question, though.

Sometimes.

What's the largest thing you've ever ridden?

SHE ROARS WITH LAUGHTER

-Ha ha!

-You two are really naughty.

-We are a bit.

-Sorry about that.

-I love it.

-You should be punishing us.

-Vigorously and repeatedly.

We have seen you on the cover of various magazines

and I just wanted to inquire, when can we see you on the cover of Razzle?

Razzle? What's that?

It's a men's specialist interest magazine.

What do they specialise in?

Tits.

-I can't get my babbers out just yet, can I?

-Why not?

I haven't really got the babbers to get out, really.

Au contraire, my dear.

-Oi, you perv!

-Sorry. I was not looking at nothing.

Can I say that one of my favourite moments of your stay in the Big Brother house

wasn't just the kind of glimpse at your body,

but that heart-warming story you told about the unfortunate woman

who had her face eaten off by a chimpanzee.

I know. I bet that woman bloody hates me now.

Cos I've brought it all out in the open again.

You know, it was done, dusted, in the past and I brought it all up. So I bet she hates me now.

I laughed my bollocks off. I thought it was class.

Right, don't you go anywhere. We're going to take a wee break for a piece of music.

BANGING HOUSE MUSIC PLAYS

Is that that bird that was going off with your man the Aussie boy?

-Yep. You would as well.

-I don't know about that.

-What do you call an Australian with a bottle of champagne?

-Dunno.

The waiter. THEY CHUCKLE

Josie, when you won Big Brother, is it true you gave 20 grand away to charity?

To cancer and leukaemia in children.

-Fair play.

-Thank you.

But 20 grand? That would have bought you, like, a lot of drugs.

And a chocolate fountain. A brilliant, big chocolate fountain.

With marshmallows, stuff on sticks and strawberries and stuff.

-I know but it's gone to a good cause.

-Yeah...

-A real good cause.

-I love that in a woman, a good tender heart.

-I bet you do.

-Having a great set of norks isn't too bad either.

THEY CHUCKLE LASCIVIOUSLY

Is it true that you have a scent on the market?

I do. I've got a perfume called Josie. It smells super lush.

You're giving some of that to charity, right?

Yeah, £1 goes to a women's cancer charity

so when they have all their chemotherapy and radiotherapy,

it sends beauticians round to their house

and it supplies them with wigs and make-up days, you know,

and beauty products and things like that just to perk them up.

So if we were to launch our own Pablo and Steeky scent,

how do you think we should go about doing that?

Um, I would say, you could have a Posh Spice and David Beckham one.

But like a gay Posh Spice and David Beckham one, you know.

-No, I do not know!

-What are you implicating?

They've had a couple, like, a husband and wife perfume,

but they've never had a gay couple perfume.

We're not a gay couple, I assure you.

I think you misunderstand the nature of our relationship.

I've just seen you touch his wanger under that desk!

I can't help it! It keeps knocking against me. It's like a python.

-I love you. I think your class.

-I love you.

You can come round and stay in my spare room any time.

-You don't have a spare room. You don't even have a room. You kip on my sofa!

-Shh!

Any time.

Josie, thank you very much for your time. Been lovely to meet you.

-Cheers.

-Thank you. Can I get a little kiss before you go?

-Yeah.

Thank you. I love you.

See you later, Pablo. Nice to meet you, mate.

Pablo, show the young lady out.

With pleasure.

-Love you.

-And you.

Josie Gibson there.

Josie and her fiance claim to use JLS condoms. Who would have thought?

-Members of a boy band touching men's penises.

-Right, Josie. It was great to meet you.

It's a pity John James couldn't come over, you know what I mean?

-We could have met him as well and all that, you know.

-Erm, yeah.

Well, I've got to go now, Pablo. So it's really nice to meet you, mate.

Tell you what, if it doesn't work out, give us a wee ring.

-Suck you what?

-If it doesn't work out with John, give us a ring.

Oh, you're disgusting. I've got to go. Bye.

Bye.

I'd fuck her till her teeth rattled.

Do you think he kisses his ma with that mouth?

Probably kisses other people's mas with that mouth.

Ah! The lovely, lovely, lovely Josie.

I am now very, very happy.

Well, I'm sorry to pish on your chips, as it were, but we have a very sad shout-out now to Dave.

Unfortunately, Dave's just got the all clear from his cancer specialist.

But why is that a sad shout-out, Pablo?

Well, he's going to lose his DLA payments, isn't he?

Oh, that is harsh, actually.

-Pablo, my producer, where are we for now?

-Right.

Do you remember that band we was talking to earlier on from Derry?

-Yes.

-They're going to perform in the boudoir.

-In my bedroom?

-Yes.

-You'd better not make a mess, and they'd better probably not check under the bed.

It's the Wonder Villains!

# We need all your help

# Help us in a hurry

# No photographs, no fear You won't have to worry

# You might thing you're fast But watch it back in slow mo

# There's only seconds left But you haven't seen Apollo

# So join us in the sky

# Save us

# From the future

# We know you can fly

# Help us save the future

# You fall off our screen a million miles an hour

# Roller hockey team with supersonic powers

# We still need your help But we don't have to worry

# Everybody panic now

# Give us our fill early

# Oh, oh

# Whoa, whoa

# Oh, oh

# Whoa, whoa

# You told us you could fly

# Whoa, whoa

# And you didn't even try

# Whoa, whoa

# So join us in the sky Save us from the future

# We don't have try

# Mike will save the future

# Whoa, oh

# Oh, whoa, oh

# So join us in the sky

# And save us from the future

# We don't even try

# Mike'll save the future

# Whoa, oh

# Oh, whoa, oh

# Oh, whoa, whoa

# Oh, whoa, whoa. #

-So, Pabs, is your Marnie better now?

-Aye.

She's nearly off her crutches, which means the benefits'll be reduced.

-Ooh! Hard luck there, mate.

-Yeah.

Well, maybe something will turn up.