Episode 4 Belfast FM

Belllfaaaasssst!

DJ Steeky, here to make you dance like a small-bladdered pensioner.

Shout out this week to Steveo.

Like many burglars, Steveo always liked to take a crap on

the carpet of the house he was robbing.

Unfortunately, last week Steveo had diarrhoea

and the police just followed the trail home, like, kind of,

a scatological Hansel and Gretel.

Here, a man who is smoking hot. The girls like him a lot.

His knees sometimes get shot.

You know him as Pablo. Respect, Pablo!

Steek, Steek, Steek, Steek, STEEKY!

On tonight's show we have, Big Brother winner, Brian Belo.

-Pooper scooper.

-From The Apprentice, Ben Clarke.

-Sandhurst nob.

-Music from the live boudoir from Silhouette.

Our quiz brain dead, but before all that, some music.

TRANCE MUSIC PLAYS

All right, Bobbie.

-Wonders never cease. You're early.

-Your girl's up on blocks?

-Charming.

So what were you doing last weekend?

Went out for the day, me and Chantelle.

-To where?

-The Giant's Causeway.

-The Giant's Causeway?

-Aye.

-What's that like?

-Shite.

-I would have thought you'd be more at home at, you know, the Giant's Ring?

-Where's that?

-You never heard of the Giant's Ring?

-No.

-I would have thought you would love the Giant's Ring.

-Why?

You know what goes on there in the car park?

-What?

-Dogging.

-Oh, I've done that.

-You've done dogging?

Well, you know, I'm a very exotic man, right?

Chantelle said our life needs spiced up.

She suggested dogging. I said, "What's that?"

She said, "You go up and you get at it".

A little bit of bumping uglies in the car.

-And people come up and have a wee look at you.

-Just like strangers?

-Just like total strangers.

-Watching you at it?

-Totally. Right.

-And, you put the window down.

-Right.

That gives them a wee signal to pop the lad in.

So you flash the wee lights and say, "Right, come on over, lads.

-"There's a bit of action going down".

-The window went down, right?

-Right.

-Me and Chantelle going at it.

-Right.

-The fella pops the ole lad in.

-Right.

-Chantelle thrashing about a wee bit.

-Right.

Off comes the bedroom slipper. Hits the electric window.

-The fella might walk in three weeks.

-Oh, my God. You chopped off his walt?

-Up for assault, mate.

-Nightmare.

This week, I would like to apologise to all the fat people out there.

The medical advice I gave out last week was wrong.

It turns out that, crying while eating an entire tub of Haagen Dazs

will not help with weight loss.

-Here, what's that noise? That's the lift?

-Who is it, Pablo?

It's our next guest, a Big Brother contestant.

Some people think of him as an idiot off Big Brother,

but we prefer to think of him as a Shankill Road intellectual.

Please welcome, Big Brother supremo, Brian Belo.

Hello.

-Can I get a whoop, whoop?

-Can I get a whoop, whoop.

Can I get a whoop, whoop? So, Brian, tell us this. How has the whole Big Brother thing changed your life?

I'm sure it's opened a load of doors for you.

The whole Big Brother thing changed my life.

I suppose, Big Brother changed my life massively.

I was able to get a flat. I was able to sleep with glamour girls.

I was able to go out clubbing, to nice places.

-Are you a bit of a Mr Lover Lover man?

-No, don't.

Don't, cos' then girls can start thinking I'm a player.

-I'm not a player. I'm not a player.

-Are you sure?

-If anything, I get played.

-Really?

-Honestly, I get played so much more.

I haven't had a girlfriend in, in about two-and-a-half years now.

-So, what about the bird off Big Brother?

-That was the last.

-That was my last girlfriend.

-No!

-Is it that long?

I think that was probably my only girlfriend. I've had girls in between,

but that was my only proper relationship.

Brian, the next time you go off, it's going to be like a shotgun.

-No, I've had sex!

-Oh, right.

I don't mean I haven't had sex for two-and-a-half years.

It's a family-type show.

So, Brian, tell me, at the time that you were dating,

was it Sam or Amanda?

It was Amanda.

And, I mean, that you, kind of, were very hush, hush about,

but you tweeted when you filled your trousers on a train.

-Was that a bad decision?

-Was that a bad decision?

Do you know what, the thing is about me, I'm very honest.

What happened, I know what happened there, I had only just really

been on Twitter for a little bit, at that point.

I didn't realise how many people use Twitter.

And, so, when I said, "Oh, don't, I've poohed myself on a train".

So I thought, "Wait a minute, I can't ring anyone up

"and tell anyone this", because I ring people,

people on my carriage are going to then be able to know that I've just shit myself.

I would say it was becoming apparent.

If I tweet about it, then I'd be able to get some advice,

sort of thing.

So, I tweeted about it.

Then, by the time I got from my home, so from the train

to my destination, it had become an article on Metro.co.uk.

Then find out that, the next day I was, like, OK,

everybody seems to know about the fact that I've just shit myself.

What is the worst insult that anyone has thrown at you?

That I appear to be like I was dropped on my head as a baby.

-Didn't do me any harm.

-I know. Do you know what the funny thing was?

I was sitting there with my old girl. She was talking to someone.

She was like, "Do you remember when Brian was a baby and we dropped him on his head?"

I was like, "You dropped me on my head?"

She was like, "Yeah, there's nothing wrong with you."

I was like, "Are you sure? I've got all the tabloids clippings calling me dopey and stupid."

You know what I mean? I only found out I was dropped as a baby, that's probably why I'm quite stupid.

-You went to school with the other Big Brother winner, Chantelle?

-Yeah.

That must have been quite a school, quite special?

It is a very special school.

And, do you know, the winner of Britain's Next Top Model, 2007,

also went to my school as well, Lauren McAvoy, because we was in the same class.

-Wow.

-Can I ask you just, what sort of music you like?

Cos I'm going to play a track now. What music?

I love funkiness. I love funkiness.

We're going to play you some hard house. It's time for a track.

HARD HOUSE PLAYS

-You want to learn some Belfastisms?

-Proper!

We're going to come out in Belfast and have it up.

Happy days. There's the three of us, right?

-We're flying through the streets of Belfast.

-Yeah.

There's a couple of girls at a bus stop.

-Are they hotties?

-Oh, aye. Of course they are. Of course they are.

Right, proper sorts, like. Wee short skirts and everything.

-Lovin' it.

-We wind the window down, right? Wind the window down.

You just go past them, dead, dead smooth.

Really, really classy, sophisticated, right?

"Get her bucked!"

What?

-Get her bucked.

-Get her bucked.

-Give us a buck at ye?

-Give us a buck at ye?

-Get her bucked.

-Get her bucked.

-You what?

Get her bucked.

Get her book?

Or, alternatively, "Give us a buck at ye"?

-Give us a book?

-Buck. Buck.

-Book?

-Like... MAKES SQUEAKING SOUNDS

Bock?

THEY CONTINUE SQUEAKING

-Boys, I've never heard of that one. Do you know what you need to do? You're going wrong.

-What?

Boys, I'm not trying to teach granny how to suck eggs or nothing.

But, at the end of the day, you need to learn how to sweet talk a bird.

-Show her a bit of your personality, you know.

-OK.

You can't go up to birds like some sort of chav, giving it like that.

They're going to tell you to jog on!

-You want to be like, wind down your window.

-Right.

-Go.

-"Excuse me, sweetheart".

-Excuse me.

-"I want to know whereabouts X is".

As she gets closer and she's about to give you advice go,

"Oh, babe, do you know what? I really love your eyes.

"I've never seen a lady with such great eyes as yours."

At this point, can you introduce her to the crippla?

-Depends how filthy she is.

-Or how unconscious she is?

-Yeah.

Oh, you don't want to go for them unconscious though, son. I'll be honest.

I usually find that they're quite pliable in that state.

Yeah, they are, but there's the whole thing of Prisoner Cell Block H and everything.

I mean, I honestly don't want to be going down that route.

Do you think, if you were in prison, you might be,

like, passed about like some kind of Christmas cracker?

-Like a Christmas cracker?

-Aye?

I would use you as currency in jail.

I'd be all right, I'll just hire you out, to Mr Big.

-So, you're going to pimp me, is what you're saying, yeah?

-Yeah.

Thanks very much.

I can tell, cos you boys like me, I think we've got a bond?

Oh, yeah, mate. Listen, we're cool.

I'm realising that Pablo's your main man.

-If I get on Pablo's good side, I'm on the good side of everyone.

-That's right.

-You're Pablo's little bitch, I can tell.

-You're my bitch.

You are Pablo's bitch. You're a proper bitch.

You're the bitch of the relationship.

Trying to give it a bit of, like, "Yeah, this is how we do it"...

-Steeky is my bitch.

-Pablo tells you what to do, mate.

Steeky is my bitch. Steeky is my bitch. You are my bitch.

Bitch.

-Are you two quite finished?

-Bitch.

-Youse have hurt my feelings.

-I'm not trying to hurt your feelings.

-You have.

Why don't you go and get a nice manicure or something, or a wee pedicure, maybe?

-Don't talk to me. Don't talk to me.

-Don't. Your make-up'll run.

-Shut up!

-You're getting rinsed. Rinsed like a wet towel, rinsed.

That's not fair. I thought you were my mate. I thought you were my mate.

I'm your mate! It's just a bit of friendly banter.

-We're not mates no more! Not mates no more!

-Steeky... This is banter.

Brian, don't listen to him. It's his time of the month.

All right, all right, all right. We're mates now, it's cool.

-He fancies you as well.

-It's all cool.

Brian, you were rightly hailed as the first ever black winner of Big Brother.

That's true.

Do you think your victory gave Barack Obama the courage to run for president?

Honestly, I think it did.

Even when he was going in for his presidency and everything,

I was like...

-Oh, shut up! Barack Obama!

-No-one had heard of Barack Obama.

-Thank you very much.

-He was not on the scene at all.

And he is supposed to be American.

How many famous black Americans are the?

Why couldn't Jay-Z or P Diddy be president?

He hasn't even released a good album yet.

-What have you heard that as any good that he's released?

-Diddy?

-No, I am talking about Barack Obama.

-Because Diddy is brilliant.

At the end of the day, Jay-Z has done a lot for America.

He has.

He's gone around. He's made love and not war with Beyonce.

He's got Crazy In Love on the Futurettes.

And he's not been given the respect he deserves

by the government of the USA.

You're right, Brian. It's time to go. I hope you're going to tweet about meeting two extremely

radically cool and handsome guys in Belfast.

-Don't worry. I am tweeting about you now. See you later.

-Cheers, Brian.

Pablo, see the man out. Try and make sure he avoids the toilet. I don't trust him.

-Nice to meet you, Brian. Sound.

-Nice to meet you, mates. See you later.

When the doors open at the bottom, that's when you get out.

Hope he leaves the lift the way he found it.

Brian Belo, there.

Rightly hailed - hailed - as the first black winner of Big Brother.

Nice to know that Martin Luther King didn't die in vain.

-Here, Steeks.

-What?

-You want to know what I found out last night?

-What?

Did you know that there's stuff on the Internet that isn't porn?

-Whaa! Aye, right?

-I am deadly serious, mate.

-There was other stuff on the Internet that's not porn.

-What?

Like it doesn't have tits in it?

-It doesn't even have small tits in it.

-Man, that's amazing. So what's that stuff like?

I don't know. I was too busy wanking.

-Turn it to radio Ulster. Rigsy's on.

-Rigsy?

-That's even worse than this crap. He's shite!

-Fair enough.

-Right, what's next, Pablo?

-You have a caller on line one.

Hello and who's the next caller who we may help?

-'Hiya. My name is Kieran.'

-And how can we help you, Kieran?

'I am feeling depressed.'

Kieran, is that you from the Bally Flip Flops?

'Yeah, it's me, mate. How are you doing?'

I suppose you're feeling suicidal cos everyone knows that your girlfriend is buggering anything that moves.

'What? Maryanne's cheating on me? Oh, Jesus, no.'

No, no, whatever gave you that idea?

'GUNSHOT'

Brilliant work there, Steeks.

-Steeky, do you think there's life after death?

-Aye.

-What you think heaven is like?

-The rivers are WKD.

The girls are so full of silicone they bounce.

And all the dole clerks are trusting and naive.

What do you think hell is like?

Lurgan.

-What's that noise? It's the lift.

-Oh, right. Who is it?

-It's today's band.

It's one of the most promising female singers I think I have ever heard.

-Is it Pixie Lott?

-No.

-Is it Duffy?

No.

-Gary Lightbody?

-Better than that. It's a band called Silhouette.

-Hello.

-Hi. Hello.

-Hi, guys.

-What's the craic with this band?

-The lead singer of this band... She's called Shauna.

-Right.

-Hi!

-Hi, Shuana.

-Hi, Pablo.

-Hang on a minute. I think you fancy her.

-No!

-No!

-You do! You love her!

-You love her! You want to marry her!

-Shut up.

-Shut up.

-You want to marry her and have little Pablettes.

-Shut up.

Tell us, Shauna, about your band. How long have you been together?

About a year and a half, two years.

-Do you have a website?

-Aye, we've got a website!

-Right.

-Do you want me to give it to you?

-Yeah. Any time.

It's myspace.com/silhouetteofficial.

-Official, right.

-Do you know how to spell Silhouette?

-We'll give it a go. Happy days.

-Go on in, then!

-Let us hear what you're made of!

-Cheers! Bye!

-See ya!

Shauna! Shauna! Bye-bye!

You are so in there. She was undressing you with her eyes.

-She had that trackie top off you.

-I get that a lot.

Now, onto the mystery quiz, where a caller has two minutes to guess our mystery item.

Once again, we're playing with returning champion, Jez.

-Jez, are you ready?

-'Ready!'

-Your time starts now!

-It's something to kick.

-'Is it the poor?'

-No.

-Mind you, a lot of poor people worship this item.

-'Oh, Jeremy Kyle.'

-No. It's leathery, and was at its height in the '70s.

-'Tom Jones?'

-No.

'Is it a huge underground structure that scientists are using

'to isolate the Higgs-Boson particle and replicate the Big Bang?'

It isn't that Large Hadron Collider, no.

'Has it appeared on the Internet with a banana, a donkey and one of the weathermen off Sky News?'

No, it's not Steeky's ma.

It's round, full of air, everyone would love to kick it, and people get very annoyed about it sometimes.

'Oh, you haven't brought Stephen Nolan into the studio, have you?

-'Oh, wait. Is it a football?'

-How do you do it?

-Every flipping time.

-'Ha-ha!'

-Look, there's the lift going! Who is it?

-I don't know.

What you call the wee fella? Whats-his-face?

Our next guest often hears people saying that he puts up a plucky front.

Or at least that's what he thinks they're saying.

From The Apprentice, please welcome Ben Clarke!

I think you've a fire in the kitchen, there, lads.

-Sit your wee self down there.

-How are you doing?

-I am exceptionally well.

-What about you?

-Not too bad, thanks.

-You're looking well.

-I don't know. I think I'm getting a bit fat, to be honest.

-You are.

Can I ask you, that's a rather unusual surname, Clarke-From-The-Apprentice.

Is that Dutch-Irish?

The big forehead would suggest I am slightly Dutch.

So, Ben, how are you getting on at Sandhurst?

-Unfortunately, I didn't go. I should have gone, shouldn't I?

-He lost his bottle!

-He lost his bottle!

-Did you chicken it?

THEY CLUCK

Could you lend me and egg, Ben?

Are you maybe waiting until David Cameron pulls the troops out of Afghanistan

so you don't go and get your balls shot off?

I could get posted in Northern Ireland, couldn't I?

There'd be plenty of people who would like to shoot the balls out of you there.

-Let's face it.

-That's what I was thinking!

-Absolutely.

Ben, you were on that Dating In The Dark show, yeah?

That was an absolute 'mare. An absolute disaster. That's right.

You were blown out by a girl with massive big jugs.

-I know, they were class.

-Why do you think that happened? Did the lights go on?

I think she kind of realised that all I wanted to do was motorboat her and from there...

-Sorry, what?

-Do what?

-Motorboat her.

-Moat her boat her? What?

This is what you do. You stick your head between his tits, and you go...

Like that.

-Oh, motorboat. Right!

-You said "moat her boat her".

-You're posh, we can't understand you.

-Sorry about that.

-I love the way he talks.

-Say "How now, brown cow?"

"How now, brown cow?"

EXAGGERATED MIMIC: "How now, brown cow?" "How now, brown cow!"

"It's how now, brown cow?" say it.

How now, brown cow?

-That's better!

-By George, I think he's got it!

-Now you're talking proper!

-Good man!

-OK.

-Good man.

Listen, we want to ask you a question,

because of your incredible business acumen.

-OK.

-Me and Pablo here, we've a... How would you describe it?

..a lucrative flour distribution business.

Have you any advice on how we could expand our business

into further markets and territories without increasing

the chances of the PSNI beating in our back door?

Pay them off!

-Ahhhh!

-The boy's got the smarts!

-Would you be our business manager?

-Would you like to come on board?

-And sell flour for you?

They won't be able to search you, cos you look under age.

You've got to think about it.

-Running a flour business is like running any other business.

-Right.

In terms of economics, if you take the world's big flour producers,

based in South America, the way their operations are run,

very, very similar to the way other major Fortune 500 company is run.

-Is that right?

-Same structures. It's just a different product.

-Am I actually like the CEO?

-Technically, yeah.

C-O-C-K, more like.

Ben, stay there. Don't move a muscle and I'll be right back. Hold on.

TECHNO MUSIC

Weee!

Weee!

You appeared on the RTE show Lords Of The Ring.

Was that a remake of Queer As Folk?

HE LAUGHS

It wasn't far off, to be honest!

-Was it like boxing, yeah?

-It was.

-Who were you fighting?

I got pulled out by the doctor before I got to fight.

You got pulled off?

I was gutted.

Who were you meant to fight?

I was meant to fight Paul Martin. The showbiz journo from The Mirror.

PABLO GROWLS Easy, easy.

Has he been slagging off your show?

He's been milking the whole Stephen Gately thing

-and that's a big idol of Pablo's. It's a bit personal.

-I'll never forget you, Stephen.

He had the greatest technique of standing off the stool at the key change I've ever seen.

He was the master. The master. The Gately.

That move is now called The Gately.

-The Gately?

-How come the doctor pulled you off?

A suspected aneurysm on my head. In my brain.

Wow. They discovered you actually had a brain, brilliant!

-I was delighted myself.

-At that stage in life, that's pretty handy.

Mum and Dad threw a party for me and everything. They were as shocked as I was.

This being a radio station, we often ask our guests what sort of stuff they life music-wise.

What do you like?

-Love Snow Patrol.

-Shite.

-Kings Of Leon.

-Shite.

-Shite.

-Shite? What do you like? Scooter?

-Tiesto. Scooter.

-Scooter, Tiesto?

PABLO BEATBOXES

Nice one. Bring the beats, Pabs.

BEATBOXING CONTINUES You feeling it, Ben?

I can get into that.

Ben from The Apprentice, where are you going to be in two years' time?

Hopefully in somewhere like Hong Kong

on a trading floor making lots of money.

Is money really better than sex?

That's a good question. I only said it to get on the show.

You've got to sell to your audience,

and if your audience is a load of researchers, tell them what they want to hear.

I was wondering in case maybe you'd never had sex. That's a ridiculous thing to say.

It's quite a likely thing that could happen. Ugly mug, fat keg.

-I've got terrible chat for a woman.

-Have you got bad breath too?

Bad chat, bad breath...

-Tiny wiener?

-Tiny.

A weenus?

-A mangina?

-A weenus?

I've been known to sport the mangina once in a while.

-I think our work here is done.

-Yes.

Ben Clarke from The Apprentice! Thank you very much.

Thank you, lads.

-Show the man out and then lock the door, please.

-I shall do.

Toodle-loo!

Pity about the whole Sandhurst thing but pleasure to meet you. Good luck.

Thank you very much. I'm going to need it.

Aye. Sandhurst. Girl Guides, more like.

Ben Clarke there! Ben famously said that making money is better than sex.

Obviously he's never been rimmed by a Portuguese hooker while another sucks coke off his bell end.

Our thanks to Jackie Fullerton for that observation.

-AMERICAN ACCENTS

-Jackie Fullerton?

-Jackie Fullerton.

Jackie Fullerton?

Jackie Fuller-TON.

Jack-ee Full-ER-ton.

Jackie Full-erton.

Jack-IE Full-er-ton.

Jackie Fullerton.

Ah-league leaders Linfield-ah.

Are playing ah-Liverpool.

Slow, slow, quick, quick. 2-1.

THEY LAUGH

David Healy, Northern Ireland.

I've got a big shout out here for Seamus from Fermanagh, and that's from his auntie, mother and sister.

Aw, three women who love him.

It was just the one woman, actually.

-And who's the next caller?

-'Hi, It's Graham, here.'

Graham-boooo!

-What can we do you for?

-'I was wondering if you know how to use a tranquiliser gun.'

Eh... how big is the thing you want to drug?

'ELEPHANT TRUMPETS'

I'm not sure we can help you, mate.

'I don't want to get a dart gun.

'Just beat it to death with a shovel or something. Thanks. That was useful.

'Do you fellas know anything about the ivory trade?'

Do you not screen these calls?!

Producer Pablo, produce this. What are we doing now?

It's time to sojourn to the boudoir

to hear that band we were talking about earlier.

They are Silhouette and this track is called Volume Destroyed.

# Volume destroyed

# My brand new fluffy toy

# The childish dream

# Wasn't listening

# Send you to go

# I swear you'll love me more

# Another day

# Can't live my life this way

# Yeah

# Don't wait, wait up

# So confusing, I can't

# Make up my mind

# Got me in a spin

# Watch me, ignore me

# If you want me, no

# Love me, hate me

# Depends what mood you're in

# Your volume destroyed

# My brand new fluffy toy

# The childish dream

# Wasn't listening

# Send you to go I swear you'll love me more

# Another day

# Can't live my life this way

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Ow-wow-wow-wow-ow

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Ow-wow-wow-wow-ow

# Little blue bird

# It's flyin', it's flyin'

# It's magic white wings

# Surrounding my cars

# And all the pretty eyes

# They're staring, staring at me

# And I can't control myself

# Don't wait, wait up

# So confusing

# I can't make up my mind

# Got me in a spin

# Watch me, ignore me

# If you only knew

# Love me, hate me

# Depends what mood you're in

# Your volume destroyed

# My brand new fluffy toy

# The childish dream

# Wasn't listening

# Send you to go

# I swear you'll love me more

# Another day

# Can't live my life this way

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Ow-wow-wow-wow-ow

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Ow-wow-wow-wow-ow

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Ow-wow-wow-wow-ow

# Yeah, yeah, yeah

# Ow-wow-wow-wow-ow. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

That is one hell of a fancy bracelet your bird's got.

Nah, she's on bail. It's an electronic tag.

Ooh, that's awful!

It's been mis-wired. Every time I send her a text she pisses herself!