Ho Chi Minh Trail World's Most Dangerous Roads


Ho Chi Minh Trail

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Five billion kilometres of roads network the planet.

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Everywhere, new routes are being forged

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through increasingly difficult terrain.

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Ooh!

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Across arctic wilderness...

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That was a game of chicken right there.

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..over high mountain passes...

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That's as big a drop as we've seen so far.

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..and through dense jungles.

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Good work, very good work.

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These roads may be a testament to man's ingenuity,

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but driving on them requires skill...

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I'm going to get out the car. I can't bear it.

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..stamina...

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Andy!

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..and a steady nerve.

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This programme contains some strong language

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Comedian and broadcaster Sue Perkins

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is teaming up with the actress and presenter Liza Tarbuck

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to take on the Ho Chi Minh Trail,

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a road that became famous during the Vietnam War.

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Jesus Christ!

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Whoa!

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Still littered with unexploded bombs,

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they'll tackle the most remote and inaccessible parts of the trail.

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I'm aware of UXB-ing, so, you know what I mean? Yep.

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Round that way, darling.

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The road will take them on rough jungle tracks...

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A sign there said Death Falls this way.

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..across raging rivers... You all right? Yup.

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Just need to get right to the river.

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..and through swampy, sticky mud.

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Every mile hemmed in by tons of lethal explosives.

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THEY SHOUT

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1,300km along one of the most infamous

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and perilous roads in the world.

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This is dangerous, actually. The bombs are very near the road here.

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Liza and Sue know each other socially,

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but they've never been in such close proximity as they will be over the next ten days.

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They begin their journey in Vinh,

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a city that was completely obliterated by American bombing.

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I guess what I really know about this area

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is what I've seen on television

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and possibly represented by Hollywood films.

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I first met Liza in Holloway Prison for Naughty Ladies,

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we were both doing a six-year stretch and she, yeah, she ruled the roost.

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Hi!

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Welcome to our home!

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Am I intimidated by it? No, I don't think I am, actually.

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You know, neither Sue nor I are idiots.

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I think it'll be a lot of fun,

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and she has the best breasts in show business.

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Amazing, even better than Chris Moyles. Best breasts.

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Let's just do it. Let's get on the trail.

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I was really hoping she was going to drive.

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Their first hurdle is Vinh's rush-hour traffic.

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Go, go, go.

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Bit of UK intent for you, right there.

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Now get behind this bike. He's going a nice, steady pace.

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Vietnam has a population of 80 million people

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and 40 million motorbikes.

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The result is traffic chaos and 30 road deaths every day.

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Not a fact that seems to faze the girls.

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Good horn work. Here comes Susan.

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Back off, pink hat.

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# King of the road

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# Trailer for sale... #

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Sue and Liza begin their journey in Vietnam

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before following the Ho Chi Minh Trail into Laos.

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They'll continue driving south,

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but the further they go, the worse the road conditions will become.

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The last stage of their journey will take them back over the border

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into Vietnam to finish on the beaches of the South China Sea.

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It's weird, being just sort of five minutes out of the city

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and there's just paddy fields.

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I did that too fast and I actually ate my own breasts for a second.

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Vietnam is one of the world's biggest exporters of rice.

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Every year, over $10 million worth goes to the USA.

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How do they feel about America?

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Have you got a bit of a clue on that?

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Is there a general feeling?

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I mean, you know, you wouldn't feel great.

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You know what, I don't think I would, if, 40 years ago,

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someone had napalmed London or any part of the UK.

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Well, we're still in living memory. HORN HONKS

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Well handled. That was interesting. Yes, wasn't it?

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The Vietnam War between the communist North Vietnamese

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and the American-backed South Vietnamese lasted 19 years.

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It ended in 1975 with over 2 million dead,

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victory for the communist North and defeat for the Americans.

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Two hours down the road,

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Sue and Lisa are approaching Dong Loc,

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one of the main junctions on the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

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During the war, this was a target for American bombers.

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Today it's a place of national pride and mourning.

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Look at that lovely, lovely temple.

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He was going at a lick, wasn't he? This is a shrine, not a motorway.

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A roadside stall is selling offerings for the remembered dead.

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Please may I have one of these or do I take two of these?

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We take two, we want one each and burn them.

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A couple of these. Do you want to burn a mobile phone?

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No, not particularly. I'd sooner do that

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in a sort of what-I-know kind of level,

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and perhaps some chrysanthemums.

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So, I guess this is where we burn our sparklers.

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Hello. Do you speak English?

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Yes. Hi, there.

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We were wondering what we should do with all these things to be respectful.

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So, you pray and then you burn everything. Yeah. OK. OK.

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Everything on top? Yeah. The incense smells amazing.

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This one, the flowers, you put on here.

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So, what does it say up there, please?

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Thousands of bombs were dropped on the road,

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but 30% of them failed to explode.

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It was the job of women to mark the unexploded bombs with flags,

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and in 1968, ten young women were tragically killed here

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while trying to keep the road open.

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So, to Westerners it's quite odd that some of the things you burn

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are mobile phones and sunglasses,

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this is all because in the next life...

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I genuinely didn't know how to feel about that.

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It seems very, very alien.

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I felt like I didn't know what to do.

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And in that situation I feel really disrespectful

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because I don't want to be seen to be mocking it, and I'm not.

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It's culturally so kind of confusing

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to take up these stacks of fake money,

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and I didn't know the form.

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That's why all worship is a bit confusing if it's not your thing.

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HORN HONKS

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Sorry, I cannot... Oh, man.

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You all right? Well done.

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RSPCA that!

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Think that was a slight education for all of us, including the pup.

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It's good, though, driving here, your brain is fully left and right activated.

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Yeah.

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It's just things come out from the jungle either side.

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Different concentration.

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Buffalo, cats, dogs, farmers, all sorts.

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The most remote and challenging sections of the road

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lie across the border in neighbouring Laos,

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and that is where Sue and Liza are now heading.

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This is just heaven.

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It's magic, it really is magic.

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So, these plugs of limestone have popped up,

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and then what's fallen away in between them?

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So, limestone, you've got these fissures,

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so the rain gets in and it breaks it away in these sort of sheer faces.

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The Truong Son mountain range

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forms a natural boundary between the two countries,

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and they have to climb up through heavily forested mountains

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to reach the border.

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Amazing that we've just gone one mountain in,

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and it's already so visually different.

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Yeah. You get a sense of what Laos' going to be like now.

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During the war,

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the road was extended by the North Vietnamese into Laos.

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It became a vital route for arms and ammunition going south.

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So, this is the Laos border,

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and I'm officially, by about six, seven feet, in another country.

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We left Vietnam, we had to change cars,

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because you can't take those cars into this country.

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We'll use these until we get back down to the Vietnam border

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later on in the journey.

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I don't know what to expect for the next few days,

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but nobody said it's going to be easy.

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Laos is a far poorer country than Vietnam,

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and it's immediately obvious from the condition of the roads.

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It's just gone from nice highway to red, dusty track, hasn't it?

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As soon as you go over the border, it changes.

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I guess there isn't the money for it, is there?

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At the border, the road is forced through a narrow gap

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in the mountains called the Mu Gia Pass.

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The road became so effective during the war that it was here in 1966

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that the US launched the biggest bombing mission since World War II.

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You can see all the blast marks in the rock up there.

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This feels properly like an adventure now.

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I'm sort of so bewildered by the landscape.

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It's so beautiful, it's hard to concentrate on the road,

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but the beauty is so undercut by sadness all the time.

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It's so peaceful.

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You just hear the frogs and the crickets and the birds, nothing else.

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And just sitting in this landscape now, you'd have no clue

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that just a few decades ago this was the most bombed place on earth.

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That it was just a channel

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through which endless fighter planes dropped ordnance

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that smashed into the rocks,

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that burnt all the foliage to nothing.

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They even thought about nuking the whole place.

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Just a basin of horror,

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and the reason they were doing all this

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and the reason they flew through this landscape

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is because of that aperture you can see in the distance.

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All the trucks, all the soldiers,

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everything had to go through that pass.

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Morning rush hour on the Ho Chi Minh Trail.

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Sue and Liza are now in a Buddhist country,

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and getting a blessing from a local monk

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is meant to ensure their safety on the road ahead.

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MONK CHANTS RITUALLY

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OK, welcome to Laos.

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Got the soggiest pants in Southeast Asia right now. It's like we're on a ship.

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CHANTING RESUMES

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Do you know, I feel really honoured about that.

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That was really lovely.

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I just didn't bank on getting quite as wet as I have.

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HORN BLARES

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In the coming days, they'll need all the help they can get.

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The Ho Chi Minh Trail has hundreds of river crossings,

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and Sue and Liza are about to confront their first big one.

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Right, Sue, this looks like it might be quite fierce.

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I've never crossed a river in a car. This is going to be excellent.

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A sort of a mini-Niagara going on.

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What's making me laugh is this is the shallow pool and then you've got the deep pool

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where the grown-ups are,

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unless the water buffalo have suddenly got this small.

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Right. I think we can do it, no problem.

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This fella, look, he's doing it on the bike.

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They're doing it on a boat, look!

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Into first, that's it.

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Right, good luck.

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Really strong current.

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Yeah, you can do it, I know you can do it.

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Oooh!

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It knocked my bloody...

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I'm cured, I'm cured!

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My god, it's knocked some sense into me.

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I feel alive again!

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THEY LAUGH

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I'm starving and I think I've probably got a bit of sunstroke.

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I've got away with it, apart from the tops of my ears.

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I, actually, am rocking quite a good look,

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I don't think I've ever looked this good.

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H-O-T doesn't even cover it.

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Hot doesn't even cover it.

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Look at those two, they look fabulous, don't they?

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Marvellous.

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Well, I like the look of this village.

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These villages once bore the brunt of heavy bombing,

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and it's left them with some challenging recycling.

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To be honest, if I came across a load of bombs,

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I'd either run like a girl and/or wee myself.

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I wouldn't think, "Here's an interior design opportunity,"

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which is what the people of Laos seem to have done.

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It's Grand Designs in a military vein.

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Because what they've done is they've taken all the ordnance

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they could find, once it's been defused,

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and they've just adapted it to improve their living conditions.

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So you've got cluster bombs here, which are providing shade.

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I've also seen cluster bombs which have been used as stilts,

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so are supporting the building.

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But everywhere you go, there's invention.

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See the old use with things like this for your pig?

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You've got the feed for the pig, this big old boy here. I've got nothing for you, mate.

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I'm sorry.

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He's lovely looking, isn't he? Very handsome.

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And then up there, you've got some growing out of an old bomb.

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The war ended nearly four decades ago,

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but there are still people in these villages that lived through it.

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Mr Pong, lovely to meet you, sir.

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Do you remember when you were a boy when they started to use,

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the Vietnamese started to use the Ho Chi Minh Trail?

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And how did the geography change?

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For example, we've got the mountains in the background,

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and I imagine that they were all changed with the bombing, too?

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There's very little land that's safe to farm,

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so people here risk collecting ordnance for scrap.

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Some even hoard live bombs beneath their homes.

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Since the war ended, 20,000 people in Laos

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have been killed by unexploded bombs.

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Even now, between 200 and 400 people,

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most of them children, lose their lives to UXBs every year.

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The roadside accommodation is proving to be interesting.

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It seems it's not just bed and breakfast on offer.

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That looks like a brothel to me.

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Yeah, it's a Christmas-themed brothel.

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It's a grotto brothel.

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Yeah, Santa's own whorehouse.

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Oh, look at that, come on in.

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The fairy lights are up, the grog's on the go,

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the rice wine with the deer hoof is ready.

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Come and brothel it up in here.

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This part of Laos had no roads

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connecting the villages before the Ho Chi Minh Trail was built.

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Now the road is central to village life.

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Just days into their journey,

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Sue and Liza seem to have settled into their respective roles.

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Darling, I've done your washing.

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Would you like me to hang it out in the back of the car?

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If you could. OK. I'm just doing some basic car mechanics.

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And then what I thought I'd do is I'd sort of mitre off some wood.

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OK. And create a nice bench seat for us.

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I have a herb rack. Have you?

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I'll be right back.

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Take care. It really doesn't work like that.

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Right, for those people who don't know much about a car engine,

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you've got your brake snake there,

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you've got a couple of litres of cola there.

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That's wi-fi there. Liza's drying her smalls in that.

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Clearing Laos' unexploded bombs didn't start until the 1990s,

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and today only a tiny fraction of its land has been made safe.

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Markers by the roadside are used to signify the level of risk,

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and red means danger.

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This is dangerous, actually. The bombs are very near the road here,

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which, of course, was the point, wasn't it?

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Jesus Christ!

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Please stay in the middle.

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In the middle.

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Four decades later, some of the very people who tried to destroy

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the Ho Chi Minh Trail are returning to it.

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Interesting that they've come back, actually,

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so there's obviously something within them. Well, we'll find out, I guess.

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Well, wouldn't you want to come back, though? I would. Yeah.

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Do they come back because they feel guilty?

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Do they come back because they want to connect to their past?

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Because it makes it all right for them?

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In the East they do pilgrimages, don't they?

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And I think it's about that.

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That they need to put some things to bed

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and learn some things along the journey and honour their chums.

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Sue and Liza have heard of two American veterans

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here to meet up with their old enemies.

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Roger Van Dyken and George Buchkowski were part of the top-secret Misty squadron.

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Dedicated to disrupting supplies coming down the trail,

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they would fly low and fast to identify enemy targets.

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Almost a third of Misty pilots were shot down.

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It's hard to use the term "beauty" when dealing with war,

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but it's been one of the, I can say joys, of now getting together

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with our former enemies, because we can both identify with the conflict

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and nobody can quite understand like we understand one another.

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Even though we were on opposite sides,

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there's a common camaraderie that occurs quite quickly.

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Because you're trained to take orders

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and you don't question them and you do,

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there's a sense of national pride.

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There's nothing personal. That shows that both sides have gone

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a long way to forgive the hostilities that we had back then,

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and I feel like we've bonded with several of these people

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that we've talked to. It's just absolutely amazing.

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So, if nothing else, we've made some progress here,

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it's certainly helped me.

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Just one example of that, down the road here,

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a US airman was shot down.

0:23:250:23:28

We met last night with the head of that nine-gun crew that shot him down.

0:23:280:23:35

One member of that crew

0:23:350:23:38

went to visit his son in the United States,

0:23:380:23:40

and while he was there

0:23:400:23:42

he went to Arlington National Cemetery

0:23:420:23:45

and prayed at the grave of the person he shot down.

0:23:450:23:50

And you met last night and you can all talk about it. Yup.

0:23:500:23:53

So, you feel for your own loss, you feel for their loss and that's reciprocated.

0:23:530:23:58

Exactly. That's why "slowly" is a key word.

0:23:580:24:01

You have to process that and come around

0:24:010:24:03

to acknowledge we did terrible things to one another

0:24:030:24:06

and at times we were terrible people in a terrible conflict,

0:24:060:24:12

but now is a time to forgive one another and move on.

0:24:120:24:18

It was lovely to meet you both. Thank you so much. A real pleasure.

0:24:180:24:21

Thank you. Thank you.

0:24:210:24:22

I did find it very emotional.

0:24:260:24:28

Yes. I found his insight really profound.

0:24:280:24:33

They were just kids when they were flying over here,

0:24:330:24:36

and the whole of their adult life's been spent

0:24:360:24:38

dealing with what they did as kids.

0:24:380:24:41

When I think of when I was their sort of age, I was just...

0:24:410:24:43

Were you not doing the same but different?

0:24:430:24:45

I was drinking two litres of cider at the top of a car park

0:24:450:24:48

crying about a boy called Richard.

0:24:480:24:50

They were flying...you know...planes over Vietnamese mountains

0:24:500:24:57

and rescuing their comrades.

0:24:570:25:00

I mean, I haven't got over Richard, on some level,

0:25:000:25:02

and they've managed to get over, you know,

0:25:020:25:05

they've managed to get over...

0:25:050:25:07

..sort of, one of the worst conflicts of the 20th century.

0:25:080:25:11

Look at the butterflies, Sue!

0:25:230:25:25

It's just amazing!

0:25:250:25:27

Look at these guys, we're being followed by a line of them.

0:25:270:25:31

Butterflies, woo-hoo!

0:25:310:25:33

There are hardly any other cars on the road, but mini tractors

0:25:380:25:40

called tok-toks are used to work the land and get people around.

0:25:400:25:47

It's like Wacky Races.

0:25:470:25:49

Thank you.

0:25:490:25:50

Sue and Liza have been on the road for nearly a week now,

0:25:560:25:59

but they're not even halfway yet.

0:25:590:26:02

Stop annoying me, stop really annoying me.

0:26:020:26:05

Stop doing the spider on my knee.

0:26:050:26:08

Well, what's a shame is that they've got two women in a car and all they've done is bicker.

0:26:080:26:13

You know I'm ticklish on my knee,

0:26:130:26:14

and all you're doing is the spider on the kneecap.

0:26:140:26:17

I'm trying to put it into fourth.

0:26:170:26:19

What, by doing that? Who changes gear doing that?

0:26:190:26:22

Weirdo.

0:26:220:26:24

Wow, this is a bit of a viewpoint, I think.

0:26:290:26:33

Look at the colour of that!

0:26:330:26:34

BOTH: Whoa!

0:26:360:26:39

What the hell was that?

0:26:390:26:40

This powdery road, it's like driving on cocoa powder.

0:26:460:26:50

Now we have another little turn.

0:26:500:26:52

Do you think it's down and round or straight on?

0:26:520:26:55

That's very powdery there, whereas that looks more compacted.

0:26:550:26:58

There's a few cobbles there, so there you go.

0:26:580:27:01

Good work, Perky.

0:27:010:27:03

Are there cobbles there? Yeah.

0:27:060:27:08

I think, yeah, 12-point turn here,

0:27:150:27:18

you'll be able to do it.

0:27:180:27:19

If you have to turn the car around on this road, there is no margin for error.

0:27:250:27:30

Sue, very uncomfortable.

0:27:340:27:37

With what? With these turns.

0:27:370:27:39

What, because of UXBs?

0:27:390:27:41

Well, yeah, actually, because,

0:27:410:27:42

I think there's a level of slack comes in as you get used to it.

0:27:420:27:48

And all the trees round here have got red lines on them saying,

0:27:480:27:52

"Don't come in!"

0:27:520:27:53

I realise... There's just nowhere to turn.

0:27:530:27:56

I know, what can you do?

0:27:560:27:59

Fuck it, I tell you what, they're really draining to do when it's this hot.

0:27:590:28:03

Oh, look, they're looking for mines.

0:28:180:28:21

She's got her faithful little dog with her.

0:28:250:28:28

What's intriguing me there is...

0:28:280:28:31

It's woman's work.

0:28:310:28:32

No, it's a little bit near the bleedin' road.

0:28:320:28:35

Yeah. And there's no markers.

0:28:350:28:37

Sabadee! Sabadee!

0:28:390:28:41

The average wage in Laos is just $3 a day,

0:28:420:28:46

so some people risk searching through danger zones

0:28:460:28:49

with metal detectors to make a living.

0:28:490:28:51

And this is a metal detector.

0:28:540:28:57

Are you looking for explosives

0:28:570:28:59

and bombs are or you just looking or metal?

0:28:590:29:02

Do you worry that this work is very dangerous?

0:29:050:29:08

Have you heard of people being injured doing your work

0:29:120:29:16

and hurt and killed?

0:29:160:29:18

Could we look in your basket and see what you've managed to find today?

0:29:250:29:29

Thank you!

0:29:330:29:34

Steady, Sue, there.

0:29:340:29:36

Yeah, interesting. We've got this kind of thing here.

0:29:360:29:40

This is the fin of a cluster bomb...

0:29:400:29:42

..which they jokingly call a pineapple.

0:29:430:29:47

When you start to dig, how do you know whether it's a bit of old motorcycle or whether it's a bomb?

0:29:470:29:53

How much money do you make to do this job?

0:29:590:30:02

Do you mind telling us how old you are?

0:30:050:30:07

Do you know how old you are?

0:30:090:30:10

I wish you all the safety, be very careful.

0:30:140:30:16

Thank you very much. And thank you.

0:30:160:30:18

It's really good to speak to you, thank you.

0:30:180:30:21

I was astounded they didn't know how old they were,

0:30:280:30:31

because, of course, that's not really that relevant.

0:30:310:30:34

It's, sort of, surplus to requirements, birthdays and all that,

0:30:340:30:38

just crack on, get on with it.

0:30:380:30:40

There's more important things to do

0:30:400:30:41

like finding where the next meal's coming from.

0:30:410:30:44

Oh, what's this?

0:30:450:30:47

Nana foot. Oh, my goodness,

0:30:480:30:49

that's a bloomin' interesting bridge, isn't it?

0:30:490:30:51

It's great.

0:30:510:30:53

That's fantastic.

0:30:530:30:55

Just bits of timber piled up.

0:30:550:30:57

That's impressive, isn't it?

0:30:570:31:00

And look, it looks like there was a bridge there but it's collapsed!

0:31:000:31:04

THEY LAUGH

0:31:040:31:05

I love it!

0:31:090:31:11

God, I tell you what's interesting as well,

0:31:110:31:13

doing it in a 4x4, with modern-day suspension, allegedly,

0:31:130:31:17

that we've probably knackered,

0:31:170:31:19

but if you were in trucks, army trucks, bikes or on foot,

0:31:190:31:23

and still you're managing to get everything where it's meant to be.

0:31:230:31:27

And it's a nice road.

0:31:360:31:37

Very. So, we're near the mine.

0:31:370:31:40

Yes, I'd have thought.

0:31:400:31:42

This is money. There's money in this road.

0:31:420:31:44

This is the yellow brick road. There's gold in them there hills!

0:31:440:31:46

Sue and Liza are approaching the Sepon gold and copper mine.

0:31:510:31:55

The existing road can't cope

0:31:550:31:57

with the number of huge lorries accessing the mine.

0:31:570:32:00

But before any work can begin to widen the road,

0:32:000:32:03

the land must be cleared of unexploded bombs.

0:32:030:32:06

Magnus Ahlstrom and his team have been called in.

0:32:060:32:10

You want us to follow you into a site where there are possible

0:32:100:32:14

unexploded ordnance now?

0:32:140:32:17

You will walk on cleared area, all the time, but the surroundings,

0:32:180:32:22

there can be UXOs.

0:32:220:32:24

So, we basically stick to the path, follow you guys. Yes. Do not deviate.

0:32:240:32:28

No. Otherwise trouble.

0:32:280:32:30

Do we get to wear a hat? Yeah, sure.

0:32:300:32:33

I won't be going to have a look at the danger UXB.

0:32:380:32:42

It's a funny old thing, and call me a wuss if you want to,

0:32:420:32:49

but as we were coming through the pass, it's the first time we had

0:32:490:32:52

any juice on our phones, and suddenly a waft of texts etc came through.

0:32:520:32:56

I got 11, three or four of which all said to me, from different mates,

0:32:560:33:01

"I hope you're not taking any unnecessary risks."

0:33:010:33:04

And then I've been presented with one,

0:33:040:33:06

which, because we're on a roll, and we're on a big story,

0:33:060:33:09

and we've been going, "War, war, war!"

0:33:090:33:11

this is a magnificent thing to follow up,

0:33:110:33:14

and how wonderful that people are doing it.

0:33:140:33:16

I'm a pansy blooming presenter-broadcaster from England.

0:33:160:33:20

I'm not Ross Kemp.

0:33:200:33:22

We were going through the safety chat,

0:33:240:33:25

and I was a bit gung-ho, because I thought, "Ooh, steel cap boots

0:33:250:33:28

"and hi-vis jackets, and, ooh, all that sort of stuff."

0:33:280:33:31

Got me, you know, quite pumped up,

0:33:310:33:33

and then Magnus, off camera, just pointed out

0:33:330:33:35

that there are two unexploded 750lb bombs within 100 metres of here,

0:33:350:33:39

and suddenly the bravado has really gone

0:33:390:33:41

and I just look like somebody who auditioned for the Village People

0:33:410:33:45

and didn't quite make the grade.

0:33:450:33:47

So, yeah, genuinely really queasy, plus the fact that, you know,

0:33:470:33:54

Liza's very perceptive and when she says, "This is dangerous,"

0:33:540:33:58

you know, I kind of hear it and part of me thinks, "Why am I doing it?"

0:33:580:34:01

What am I trying to prove to myself or to everybody else?

0:34:010:34:04

And yet here I am. So, we'll see, I guess.

0:34:040:34:08

Please hold on to the fence.

0:34:110:34:13

Yeah, no, I'm not going to mess around.

0:34:130:34:15

Not overly convinced by the construction of that fence.

0:34:190:34:22

Stay away from the edge.

0:34:290:34:31

So, how many pounds is this one?

0:34:330:34:35

750.

0:34:350:34:37

When you're working with a bomb, what kind of safety equipment do you have?

0:34:370:34:40

None. Helmet and boots.

0:34:400:34:43

Because there's no equipment in the world that would stop... Nah, won't help you.

0:34:430:34:47

You'd vaporise, presumably.

0:34:470:34:50

Yeah, you're going to become dust.

0:34:500:34:52

So, ironically, your hat and boots would be all that remain.

0:34:520:34:55

No, not even that.

0:34:550:34:57

So, it would vaporise rubber and steel toecaps, everything.

0:34:570:35:01

So, say, you have to do a controlled explosion,

0:35:010:35:04

what's the procedure for that?

0:35:040:35:06

Yeah, we have to move all living creatures

0:35:060:35:08

surrounding about 1,000 metres away from here and block roads.

0:35:080:35:14

I have to direct the blast, because the pressure's going out somewhere,

0:35:140:35:17

probably go in the bush here and down to the river,

0:35:170:35:21

need to seal off the river here, so there's not going to be boats or anything.

0:35:210:35:26

Airplanes. God.

0:35:260:35:28

I go over there and put some C4 on it,

0:35:280:35:31

and a cable, we move away.

0:35:310:35:32

And then... Bang.

0:35:320:35:34

And you will hear if it goes bang.

0:35:340:35:38

You've worked all round the world, all the major trouble spots of the world,

0:35:380:35:42

have you found that this has been the most...?

0:35:420:35:44

Yeah, this is the most bombed place on the planet.

0:35:440:35:48

And how long do you estimate it would take to clear Laos?

0:35:480:35:52

You'd probably need like a million people or something.

0:35:520:35:55

And how long would a million people take. Oh, man!

0:35:550:35:58

A lifetime? Yeah.

0:35:580:36:00

So, why do you think this particular point on the Ho Chi Minh Trail took so much ordnance?

0:36:000:36:05

Just here is because there's a river crossing.

0:36:050:36:07

OK.

0:36:070:36:08

You smash the bridges.

0:36:080:36:10

Really close to the road.

0:36:100:36:11

That sort of gives me pause for thought,

0:36:110:36:13

because we're driving that road.

0:36:130:36:15

There's this huge bomb just yay far from it.

0:36:150:36:17

It's easy when you're doing long distances

0:36:170:36:19

to be quite cavalier and not think it's dangerous. Yeah.

0:36:190:36:22

Because it's hidden, everything is hidden.

0:36:220:36:24

They're just everywhere. Expect the unexpected.

0:36:240:36:27

Thank you, Magnus. Right, much as it's been an education,

0:36:280:36:32

it's not my natural habitat, so I'm going to, I don't know,

0:36:320:36:36

go and go somewhere a bit more ladylike. Yeah.

0:36:360:36:39

Is this a good way, or that way?

0:36:390:36:40

No, don't go in there, follow the road down here.

0:36:400:36:44

I've never been on a trip that's made me feel so conflicted

0:36:460:36:49

and so brain-fugged, because half of me, it's all about,

0:36:490:36:52

my mind is filled with war and destruction and fear and disbelief

0:36:520:36:58

that this beautiful landscape, superficially,

0:36:580:37:02

kind of draws you in with its gorgeousness,

0:37:020:37:04

but it's just rotten with toxins and shrapnel and ordnance underneath,

0:37:040:37:09

and the other part of me is trying to be a bit more Southeast Asian

0:37:090:37:12

and a little less me, actually, and trying to say,

0:37:120:37:15

well, you can dwell on that,

0:37:150:37:16

or you can just look at what the guys are doing here, piece by piece,

0:37:160:37:20

you know, clod of clay by clod of clay, trying to make it better.

0:37:200:37:24

So, Magnus was quite the sex bomb,

0:37:280:37:31

everyone within 100 metres of his blast radius

0:37:310:37:35

was pretty much sucked in.

0:37:350:37:36

Were you sucked in, Sue? I was a bit in the sense,

0:37:360:37:39

and I'm ashamed to say this to you,

0:37:390:37:40

but thought, "I just want to lie my head next to you,

0:37:400:37:43

"just for an evening, because I'd feel safe there."

0:37:430:37:45

Look at that!

0:37:510:37:52

Let's just enjoy that.

0:37:520:37:54

That is beautiful.

0:37:540:37:55

Let's just look at the scenery

0:37:550:37:57

and think this is the most beautiful place.

0:37:570:38:00

This is a beautiful, ladylike country, buggered by war.

0:38:000:38:04

Sue and Liza now face

0:38:240:38:26

one of the most challenging sections of the road,

0:38:260:38:29

400km of jungle, dirt tracks and river crossings

0:38:290:38:33

from the Sepon mine down to the Vietnam border.

0:38:330:38:37

But first, they have a big river to cross.

0:38:390:38:43

The thing is with this river crossing is that if it all goes

0:38:430:38:45

horribly wrong, at least we'll be spared another night in a brothel.

0:38:450:38:49

Oh, there is that.

0:38:490:38:50

There's a part of me that'd rather be washed downstream

0:38:500:38:53

than have another night's accommodation like last night's.

0:38:530:38:56

Oh, yeah, that's doable.

0:39:010:39:03

They've been told that vehicles do cross the river here,

0:39:030:39:06

but they need to take a closer look before risking it.

0:39:060:39:10

Because once you've negotiated the fallen trees, UXOs, rocks,

0:39:100:39:16

I don't think there's going to be much of a problem.

0:39:160:39:19

This is shite.

0:39:260:39:28

It's what?

0:39:280:39:30

And then it gets really deep there.

0:39:300:39:32

Oh, god, yeah.

0:39:320:39:34

Really deep there.

0:39:340:39:36

There is no way we'll get over there without stalling.

0:39:360:39:39

The thing is not knowing what's in the middle of it. Yeah, exactly.

0:39:390:39:42

So, I'm going to go human dipstick and see how deep it is. Lovely.

0:39:420:39:46

It's nice.

0:39:460:39:48

Oh, man, there are some very odd rocks here.

0:39:500:39:53

That's good! LIZA LAUGHS

0:39:560:39:58

This was in my contract. I said, "Whatever you do,

0:39:580:40:01

"make sure there's a calendar opportunity."

0:40:010:40:03

This is Sue, she's April.

0:40:030:40:06

She's 42. These are her own breasts, as you can tell from the natural sag.

0:40:060:40:11

What's the depth like?

0:40:110:40:13

What do you think it's like?! I'm a dipstick, it's up to here.

0:40:130:40:16

Like I'm going to drive it! I'm not. Why do you think I've gone in here?

0:40:160:40:20

Despite the bravado, they girls have to consider another option.

0:40:200:40:24

Failing to get across here could mean losing the car

0:40:240:40:27

and risking the whole trip.

0:40:270:40:29

I understand we're in a 4x4, but I'm slipping all over the shop

0:40:290:40:32

and there's this huge patch where there's just nothing,

0:40:320:40:34

and however exciting it might be for a millisecond,

0:40:340:40:37

the idea of the car actually filling with water...

0:40:370:40:39

It's not exciting.

0:40:390:40:40

We should check out this other river crossing.

0:40:400:40:43

There's a sign back there that says "Death Falls this way,"

0:40:490:40:52

so I suppose we're going to the right spot. Of course we are.

0:40:520:40:55

There's the river. Doesn't look as bad as the other one, does it?

0:40:580:41:02

No.

0:41:020:41:04

Let's start this!

0:41:070:41:08

Nicely done, nicely done.

0:41:130:41:15

You all right? Yeah. I'm just keeping it right up the river.

0:41:260:41:29

Straight, straight, straight.

0:41:410:41:44

You've done something wonderful there, Miss Perkins,

0:41:440:41:47

something wonderful.

0:41:470:41:50

Do you know what? I'm going to cross the Thames like that.

0:41:580:42:00

I've had enough of the Underground. We want to go north to south, we'll go that way.

0:42:000:42:04

Let's not even discuss the fact that we're probably leaking quite a lot of fuel.

0:42:040:42:07

Ooh, this is a bit tricky, actually.

0:42:130:42:16

Yeah.

0:42:160:42:17

This is a bit tricky. Stop, let me have a look.

0:42:170:42:20

Go down further to the left. Wait a minute, madam.

0:42:200:42:23

MOUTHS WORDS SILENTLY

0:42:230:42:25

Deffo left-ish.

0:42:290:42:30

Oh, I've left my effing brolly.

0:42:320:42:34

Yeah, I want you...

0:42:360:42:39

Whoa, whoa, right up.

0:42:410:42:44

Bit more. That's looking pretty good,

0:42:450:42:48

just come forward a bit so you've cleared that.

0:42:480:42:51

Spot on, and then it's a...

0:42:510:42:52

We're probably going to have to go up on that boulder, though,

0:42:580:43:00

because I think it's too high for us to...

0:43:000:43:03

No, no you'll just make it, you just need to skirt that.

0:43:030:43:06

There is enough room. Can you do it, are you all right? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine to do it.

0:43:060:43:10

So, I'm going either side of it, you mean? No.

0:43:100:43:12

Now I'm going this way, to the right of the boulder.

0:43:120:43:14

Don't go too right, because you don't want...

0:43:140:43:17

That's when your steering will flip out of your control.

0:43:170:43:19

Right the steering wheel. That's it, right the steering wheel,

0:43:190:43:24

keep the steering wheel straight, and now...

0:43:240:43:26

Round that way, darling.

0:43:280:43:29

Oh, right, god, sorry,

0:43:290:43:31

couldn't see where the road was, sorry.

0:43:310:43:32

I thought we were going up there cos I'm a fucking idiot. Get back a bit.

0:43:320:43:36

That's good, that's OK.

0:43:410:43:44

Good work, very good work.

0:43:480:43:49

Even on this mud track,

0:43:520:43:54

any deviation carries a huge risk.

0:43:540:43:57

Along this remote part of the trail,

0:43:570:43:58

only a tiny fraction of the surrounding land

0:43:580:44:01

has been cleared of unexploded bombs.

0:44:010:44:03

Not that track, please.

0:44:060:44:07

No, no, no, I'm just, you know...

0:44:070:44:10

No, no, I'm aware of UXB-ing, so, you know what I mean?

0:44:100:44:13

It's what I'm good at.

0:44:130:44:15

So am I. I'm not going to try and kill you.

0:44:150:44:19

After six hours picking her way across some of the trail's toughest sections,

0:44:200:44:24

Sue's had enough.

0:44:240:44:25

OK, do you want to swap driving? Yep.

0:44:280:44:30

Sue and Liza are on the most remote part of the trail.

0:44:430:44:46

Very few people come this way, and westerners are a real rarity.

0:44:460:44:51

It's been a hard slog, and the girls decide to take a quick break.

0:44:580:45:03

We might chomp on a few hot nuts.

0:45:030:45:06

Uh-oh. What? Act normal.

0:45:080:45:12

Oh, hello.

0:45:120:45:14

Hello, boys. Hello, darling.

0:45:180:45:20

Sabadee. Sabadee.

0:45:220:45:24

Sabadee. Sabadee. Sabadee. Sabadee. Sabadee.

0:45:250:45:30

Do you want some nuts? Any news?

0:45:310:45:33

Quite scared by your massive knife,

0:45:330:45:35

but I'm going to give you some peanuts and hope you won't use it.

0:45:350:45:38

Yeah, he's put it away.

0:45:380:45:40

There you go, sweetheart. That's great.

0:45:400:45:42

Love the look of you.

0:45:420:45:43

I know a few people who would kill for a chest like...

0:45:430:45:46

Lovely, lovely chest. lovely musculature. Very pretty.

0:45:460:45:49

I see you ogling my jugs, as well.

0:45:490:45:51

Yeah, he's having a right good look at yours.

0:45:510:45:54

What's in there? Can I have a look in there?

0:45:540:45:58

In here?

0:45:580:45:59

It's basically intestines, isn't it, so do I think?

0:46:000:46:03

Actually, that might be chicken.

0:46:030:46:05

Is it? SHE CLUCKS

0:46:050:46:08

Yeah? Is that a yes? Yeah. Which could mean...

0:46:080:46:11

Yeah, they're mental.

0:46:110:46:12

See you later, then, lads.

0:46:120:46:14

Bye, then. Bye.

0:46:170:46:20

They were both really beautiful.

0:46:200:46:23

Whoa, there goes the bottom of this poor thing.

0:46:340:46:37

I look like an expendable crew member in Star Trek.

0:46:370:46:40

I just ate the ceiling of the car.

0:46:420:46:44

It's not over yet, Susan.

0:46:440:46:46

Yeah, they've requested at the funeral

0:46:480:46:50

that Slip Sliding Away be played.

0:46:500:46:52

# You know the nearer your destination

0:46:540:46:56

# The more you slip sliding away

0:46:560:47:02

# I know a woman... #

0:47:020:47:04

Oh, that's a bit annoying.

0:47:040:47:05

Are you stuck? Yeah.

0:47:050:47:07

I'll go and push.

0:47:120:47:14

Right.

0:47:190:47:20

Britain's weakest woman is on push duty.

0:47:220:47:25

I'm gonna reverse.

0:47:300:47:32

That really smells bad.

0:47:380:47:40

This is the only occasion where I've ever thought we might need Jeremy Clarkson.

0:47:400:47:46

Why have you mentioned him?

0:47:460:47:49

Problem we've got is there's no grip in the tyres,

0:47:490:47:52

they're all absolutely ram packed full of the clay.

0:47:520:47:55

Yeah.

0:47:550:47:57

Even on the road, there is real danger.

0:47:570:48:00

Churning up mud on the track can be lethal,

0:48:000:48:02

as bombs are only cleared down to a depth of 50cm.

0:48:020:48:05

You see, I don't want to touch anything from the side

0:48:070:48:10

in case 500 bombies fall down.

0:48:100:48:12

Rev, rev, rev.

0:48:120:48:15

It'll be dark in less than an hour.

0:48:170:48:19

If they don't want to spend the night in the jungle,

0:48:190:48:22

they must get moving.

0:48:220:48:24

We're getting more traction.

0:48:240:48:26

Yeah, we're going to be all right. Just...

0:48:300:48:33

Here we go. You can do it. You can do it.

0:48:360:48:38

That's flat out on the accelerator, that.

0:48:480:48:51

BOTH: Whoa!

0:48:530:48:56

There we go.

0:48:570:48:58

I tell you, it just makes a mockery of all the lovely ladies

0:49:000:49:05

taking their kids to school in a 4x4.

0:49:050:49:08

All rich people driving Chelsea tractors

0:49:080:49:09

should be made to do the Ho Chi Minh Trail before they're allowed...

0:49:090:49:13

Before they're even allowed.

0:49:130:49:15

All those precious yummy mummies.

0:49:150:49:17

Delightful people all.

0:49:170:49:20

Where did they come from?

0:49:200:49:23

Brilliant kids.

0:49:230:49:25

Look at them legging it!

0:49:250:49:27

Sabadee! BOTH: Sabadee!

0:49:270:49:30

Sabadee! Sabadee!

0:49:300:49:33

Eventually, they make it through

0:49:390:49:41

and link up with one of Laos' brand new highways.

0:49:410:49:44

This is one of several massive road-building projects

0:49:450:49:50

that connects Laos with Thailand, Cambodia and Vietnam.

0:49:500:49:54

On the final leg of Sue and Liza's journey,

0:49:540:49:57

they hope to make it out of Laos and back over the border into Vietnam.

0:49:570:50:01

Da Nang and the beaches of the South China Sea

0:50:010:50:04

will mark the end of their journey.

0:50:040:50:05

The girls are determined to make it in one day, so they're up early.

0:50:070:50:13

At the moment, it's looking like we'll have to go to the beach.

0:50:130:50:17

FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS

0:50:170:50:19

We love that one.

0:50:320:50:35

We nearly there yet?

0:50:350:50:36

The first part of today's journey

0:50:380:50:40

takes them through a part of Laos that was once dense forest.

0:50:400:50:43

Look at these big boys.

0:50:430:50:46

Logging, logging, logging.

0:50:460:50:50

Now, that's interesting, boys.

0:50:500:50:53

Those beautiful trees.

0:50:560:50:58

To get to the border, they're going to have to compete

0:51:000:51:03

with heavily loaded logging trucks hauling hardwood into Vietnam.

0:51:030:51:08

That lorry could topple over there.

0:51:090:51:13

God, I don't want to see that, thank you.

0:51:130:51:15

We're going to be in a log sandwich in a minute.

0:51:150:51:18

OK, burn this.

0:51:190:51:22

Do it.

0:51:260:51:27

God we've just hit the logging trail.

0:51:290:51:31

Oh, hello, our bloke's showing us how it's done, on a blind bend.

0:51:330:51:38

Good god. Oh, my god.

0:51:460:51:48

That doesn't look good at all.

0:51:480:51:50

And it's right next to a slightly smoky... Oh, god!

0:51:500:51:54

That looked like a fatality to me.

0:51:540:51:57

Just when you get blase,

0:51:570:51:58

you get a sobering reminder like that upturned logging truck.

0:51:580:52:02

Just... It's not worth pushing it.

0:52:020:52:06

Look at its magnificence.

0:52:090:52:11

Rolling forests just so gladden the eye.

0:52:110:52:14

Beautiful.

0:52:140:52:16

I'm going to have the best wee ever at the border.

0:52:210:52:25

Not right on the border, though, as they tend to take offence at that.

0:52:250:52:28

I think that was one of the dos and don'ts, wasn't it, don't urinate at the border?

0:52:280:52:32

The girls are forced to stop at the border,

0:52:340:52:36

but they are both keen to get moving

0:52:360:52:38

if they're going to make it to the coast today.

0:52:380:52:41

It's going to be faster and noisier once we're on the road there.

0:52:410:52:44

I'm going to get horny. As soon as I pass that,

0:52:440:52:47

I'm bipping that thing.

0:52:470:52:49

Anything coming at me,

0:52:490:52:50

whether it be livestock or a massive great logging truck,

0:52:500:52:53

I'm going to horn the hell out of it.

0:52:530:52:54

This is ridiculous, isn't it?

0:53:000:53:03

It's just deserted. This is like the M25 but with nobody on it.

0:53:030:53:05

And nobody on it for miles as far as the eye can see.

0:53:050:53:10

So, who's it for? is it just to go, "We're communists, hear us roar?!"

0:53:100:53:14

This is the new Ho Chi Minh Highway, built on top of the original trail.

0:53:180:53:23

Just 15 years ago, this area was also pristine forest,

0:53:230:53:27

but it's been stripped of its timber,

0:53:270:53:29

and now coffee, tea and rubber grow here.

0:53:290:53:33

Do you think I'm a bad driver?

0:53:350:53:36

No, because I wouldn't have done this with you, you fruit.

0:53:380:53:41

Who you calling a fruit?

0:53:410:53:44

You bloody fruit. Who are you calling a fruit?

0:53:440:53:46

I could have you. I could take you to a tribunal. Take me.

0:53:460:53:49

That's what you want, isn't it?

0:53:490:53:51

You're just trying to get me into your lair.

0:53:510:53:53

# Sue me, sue me

0:53:530:53:55

# What can you do me?

0:53:550:53:56

# I love you. #

0:53:560:53:59

That's on camera now.

0:54:000:54:03

It's a song from a film!

0:54:030:54:05

Come on, mate. What are you doing?

0:54:170:54:19

This guy is absolutely stupid as all hell.

0:54:190:54:24

Get right up the side of him. I'm going to open the blimmin' door on him if he keeps it up.

0:54:240:54:28

I've got a Vietnamese driving license, have you?

0:54:300:54:33

That'll show him(!)

0:54:330:54:35

Susan, your blood's up, isn't it?

0:54:350:54:38

I was hoping for a bit of... Do you know what I mean,

0:54:380:54:41

you think it'll be all easy now, a nice little run into the beach.

0:54:410:54:45

Don't be silly. Have we, heck!

0:54:450:54:47

As the light fades, Sue and Liza

0:54:480:54:51

are still miles from the beach, their hotel

0:54:510:54:54

and the end of their journey.

0:54:540:54:55

Not another bus. Oh!

0:54:580:55:01

THEY SCREAM PLAYFULLY

0:55:060:55:09

150,000 miles an hour.

0:55:090:55:12

We've both taken an absolute pounding.

0:55:120:55:14

It's like a game of pinball,

0:55:140:55:17

with cars and livestock and buses just randomly fired in all kinds of directions,

0:55:170:55:23

and you have to try and weave your way.

0:55:230:55:25

Just when you think, "Surely I've reached the next level," no, you haven't.

0:55:250:55:30

Who's this with full beams on?

0:55:320:55:34

Christ almighty, they are willing you to fail

0:55:340:55:39

at all times, drivers here, aren't they?

0:55:390:55:43

Oi-oi-oi-oi. My god!

0:55:430:55:45

Single file, darling, and your buffalo.

0:55:470:55:50

Oh, baby, baby, baby, careful. Oh!

0:55:510:55:55

It doesn't really become about preserving your own life,

0:55:570:56:00

it becomes desperate tension about not wanting to kill anything else.

0:56:000:56:04

Is he drunk? Has he got a kid on the back?

0:56:040:56:08

Oh, Jesus. What are you doing?

0:56:080:56:10

There's three kids just...

0:56:100:56:14

Oh, my god, the eldest is, what, 14, driving that bike?

0:56:140:56:17

Finally, after ten gruelling days, Sue and Liza reach sanctuary,

0:56:260:56:32

and the end of their Ho Chi Minh adventure.

0:56:320:56:35

We've gone from dirt tracks and indigenous peoples,

0:56:430:56:45

from scantily-clad men with machetes and baskets of chicken guts

0:56:450:56:50

staring at our boobs

0:56:500:56:52

to mellow surroundings where everyone's dressed in pastels asking if you're OK

0:56:520:56:55

and would you like a shiatsu?

0:56:550:56:57

Come on, Perkins.

0:57:000:57:02

I've absolutely loved it,

0:57:020:57:04

and I think every single bit of it has been important,

0:57:040:57:10

the good and bad.

0:57:100:57:11

We actually journeyed through history,

0:57:130:57:16

we got to bump along the same tracks that trucks bumped along 40 years ago.

0:57:160:57:22

Got very tired about talking about the war

0:57:230:57:26

because it was sort of contradictory

0:57:260:57:29

to what we were actually witnessing, which is an extraordinary recovery

0:57:290:57:33

by extraordinary people, be it in Vietnam or be it in Laos.

0:57:330:57:37

Liza drove me utterly, utterly insane.

0:57:400:57:44

We had a real laugh.

0:57:440:57:46

And I couldn't have wished for a better person to do it with.

0:57:460:57:49

Well done.

0:57:490:57:52

Sue is fabulous and I drove her potty.

0:57:520:57:55

I told her, "I'm going to drive you mad.

0:57:550:57:58

"I don't know how or when or for how long, but I will drive you mad."

0:57:580:58:01

I had a wonderful time.

0:58:050:58:06

It wasn't the wonderful time I thought I'd have,

0:58:060:58:08

but it so far exceeded that

0:58:080:58:10

with its depth and its range and its character and its memories

0:58:100:58:14

that I feel really blessed, actually. Really, truly, blessed.

0:58:140:58:17

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0:58:470:58:50

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