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'When I had a baby, the furthest thing from my mind | 0:00:02 | 0:00:04 | |
'was the growing pains that were just around the corner. | 0:00:04 | 0:00:08 | |
'And there's a lot more to come as a parent. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:13 | |
'You have to juggle teaching the ABCs...' | 0:00:13 | 0:00:15 | |
All done, hooray! | 0:00:15 | 0:00:17 | |
I'm literally ridiculously impressed. | 0:00:17 | 0:00:21 | |
'Dishing out all the latest gear.' | 0:00:21 | 0:00:23 | |
If they see something, by the end of the week they've got it. | 0:00:23 | 0:00:26 | |
'Keeping them out of harm's way.' | 0:00:26 | 0:00:28 | |
I just don't feel comfortable when there's so much knife crime and gangs, and things like that. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:33 | |
'And wiping away the tears.' | 0:00:33 | 0:00:36 | |
All she cares about is herself, and I don't know how you're meant to parent that. | 0:00:38 | 0:00:43 | |
'I want to meet mums across Britain who are passionate about the ways they bring up their kids.' | 0:00:43 | 0:00:48 | |
Two most important things are good manners and eating your vegetables. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:51 | |
'In the hope of becoming best prepared for my daughter Coco.' | 0:00:51 | 0:00:55 | |
You're definitely not equipped to deal with something like this. | 0:00:55 | 0:00:59 | |
I'm not, anyway. | 0:00:59 | 0:01:01 | |
This programme contains some strong language | 0:01:01 | 0:01:06 | |
'18 months ago, | 0:01:07 | 0:01:09 | |
'I gave birth to the little miracle that is my daughter Coco. | 0:01:09 | 0:01:13 | |
'She's the apple of my eye, and like every parent, | 0:01:13 | 0:01:16 | |
'I want to bring her up to be a safe, happy and successful person. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:21 | |
'But Coco is beginning to get a mind of her own, and starting to push the boundaries, | 0:01:21 | 0:01:28 | |
'so how do I actually do it?' | 0:01:28 | 0:01:31 | |
No, no. Coco, no! | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
Up until now, there's been absolutely no method to my motherhood. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:37 | |
I've just basically been winging it a bit, hoping instincts would be enough. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:42 | |
There've been a few times where I've thought, | 0:01:42 | 0:01:45 | |
"I don't know what I'm doing and how to handle this situation." | 0:01:45 | 0:01:48 | |
I actually need to decide now what kind of mother I want to be. | 0:01:48 | 0:01:52 | |
Am I going to be strict or am I going to be relaxed and happy-go-lucky? | 0:01:52 | 0:01:56 | |
I don't really know. | 0:01:56 | 0:01:58 | |
'My mum says she struggled most with me when I hit my rebellious teens. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:04 | |
'I was a nightmare, drinking, smoking and meeting boys. | 0:02:04 | 0:02:08 | |
'It might be a long way off for Coco, | 0:02:08 | 0:02:11 | |
'but even the thought of it fills me with dread. | 0:02:11 | 0:02:15 | |
'The first mum I've come to meet is Lindsay, an A&E nurse from Rugby, | 0:02:18 | 0:02:24 | |
'with two sons, Cameron and Logan, and a 14-year-old daughter, Abbie.' | 0:02:24 | 0:02:28 | |
Tell me about your family life. | 0:02:28 | 0:02:30 | |
It's good apart from my eldest, Abbie, | 0:02:30 | 0:02:35 | |
who, yes, is a teenager, and we all know it! | 0:02:35 | 0:02:40 | |
What are you finding hard? | 0:02:40 | 0:02:41 | |
Everything with her. She... | 0:02:41 | 0:02:45 | |
It's like she's got a tick-list of things to do to annoy your parents | 0:02:45 | 0:02:49 | |
and things you're meant to do as a teenager, and she's working steadily through them. | 0:02:49 | 0:02:53 | |
'The problems with bad behaviour and lying started when Abbie was 11. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:59 | |
'Lindsay's now resorted to inspecting Abbie's bedroom on a regular basis.' | 0:02:59 | 0:03:04 | |
In this pocket, she had a little bag of cannabis. | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
So, yeah, now I have to check her pockets as well. | 0:03:09 | 0:03:14 | |
Can you get inside her head? | 0:03:14 | 0:03:17 | |
I do remember what it's like. | 0:03:17 | 0:03:20 | |
I do remember that everything does revolve around your friends, | 0:03:20 | 0:03:24 | |
and that adults are just... Just do nag at you... | 0:03:24 | 0:03:28 | |
But I still had the respect that I didn't swear at my parents, | 0:03:29 | 0:03:35 | |
and I was scared if I was in trouble, | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
but she doesn't seem to care if she gets told off. | 0:03:38 | 0:03:43 | |
It just goes straight over her head and she'll go and do the same thing. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:48 | |
I don't trust her. | 0:03:50 | 0:03:54 | |
Everything that she says I just think is a lie now. | 0:03:56 | 0:03:59 | |
More than anything, it's just sad. It shouldn't have got to this point | 0:03:59 | 0:04:04 | |
and I'm not really sure...where you take it from here, really. | 0:04:04 | 0:04:10 | |
When you do your ante-natal classes and they teach you about nappies, | 0:04:13 | 0:04:18 | |
no-one really talks about the teenage years. | 0:04:18 | 0:04:21 | |
You're definitely not equipped to deal with something like this. | 0:04:21 | 0:04:25 | |
I'm not, anyway. | 0:04:25 | 0:04:27 | |
I wouldn't have a clue how to deal with this. | 0:04:27 | 0:04:30 | |
-Hiya. -Hi. -Hi, I'm Cherry. Abbie. Nice to meet you. -You, too. | 0:04:36 | 0:04:40 | |
-Was school all right? -It was OK. -Glad it's finished? -Definitely. -Yeah, I bet. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:44 | |
-Cool, wicked. Shall we go? -Yeah. | 0:04:44 | 0:04:48 | |
'14-year-old Abbie is a popular and outgoing student with clear ambitions about the future. | 0:04:48 | 0:04:53 | |
'She wants to become a tattoo artist and move to the States.' | 0:04:53 | 0:04:57 | |
I like doing my art, which is like tattooing. I want to do that. | 0:04:57 | 0:05:01 | |
-I noticed on your hands... -Yeah. -Practising. | 0:05:01 | 0:05:04 | |
I got bored and my mates just did it. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:07 | |
And they got bored and they got to do it. | 0:05:07 | 0:05:09 | |
What kind of tattoos do you want? | 0:05:09 | 0:05:12 | |
Quite a lot. I want ones on my hands, and on my back and everywhere. | 0:05:12 | 0:05:16 | |
And the piercings as well, and stuff like that. | 0:05:16 | 0:05:18 | |
What are things like with your mum at the moment? | 0:05:18 | 0:05:21 | |
I think she thinks quite badly of me. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:23 | |
She's told me she's not proud of me, she never will be. | 0:05:23 | 0:05:26 | |
She's told me I'm horrible, selfish, and so, so many things. | 0:05:26 | 0:05:32 | |
And then she'll say she loves me sometimes but I think I've heard that once in the past year. | 0:05:32 | 0:05:38 | |
And it's horrible. I just don't think she really likes me much. | 0:05:38 | 0:05:42 | |
She'd much rather I be a completely different person but it's not going to happen. | 0:05:42 | 0:05:47 | |
-Do you think you're badly behaved? -Probably, yeah. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:50 | |
I try to be good sometimes but it's more fun when you're bad behaved, to be honest. | 0:05:50 | 0:05:56 | |
'In two weeks' time, there's a gig night in town | 0:05:56 | 0:06:01 | |
'that Abbie is desperate to go to, | 0:06:01 | 0:06:03 | |
'despite getting into trouble there in the past. | 0:06:03 | 0:06:06 | |
-Hello. -Hi. -What you after? -I don't know. Erm... | 0:06:06 | 0:06:12 | |
-You know FMR? -Yeah. -Could I go? | 0:06:13 | 0:06:18 | |
-When is it on? -1st April. | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
Erm... I don't know Abbie, cos last time you went you weren't there. | 0:06:21 | 0:06:26 | |
I know where I was and I was not at Found? | 0:06:26 | 0:06:29 | |
-Well, I don't know where you were and that is the point. -All right(!) | 0:06:29 | 0:06:33 | |
I'll think about it but it absolutely depends on your behaviour. | 0:06:33 | 0:06:37 | |
Cos why should I let you go somewhere when you haven't given us anything back? | 0:06:37 | 0:06:42 | |
I'm not going to magically change overnight. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:45 | |
Well, I'd like you to magically change just a little bit. | 0:06:45 | 0:06:48 | |
Sod off... Bitch. | 0:06:49 | 0:06:53 | |
And that's negotiation! | 0:06:55 | 0:06:57 | |
The atmosphere in the house when Abbie's around is very tense. | 0:06:59 | 0:07:04 | |
It's very stressful for Lindsay. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:07 | |
Communication has completely broken down, there is no trust. | 0:07:07 | 0:07:10 | |
There's a lot of anger and they are at stalemate. | 0:07:10 | 0:07:14 | |
'The challenges for me as a mum to toddler Coco are a bit more basic, | 0:07:16 | 0:07:22 | |
'so you'd think more straightforward.' | 0:07:22 | 0:07:24 | |
-Mummy's going to make your lunch. -No! | 0:07:24 | 0:07:27 | |
'How to feed my daughter healthy food.' | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
Even the mention of the word "lunch" is enough to send her into a total whack attack! | 0:07:29 | 0:07:34 | |
No! | 0:07:34 | 0:07:36 | |
So on the menu today is a delicious pasta, vegetable | 0:07:36 | 0:07:41 | |
and tuna baby-mush thing. | 0:07:41 | 0:07:45 | |
Look, yummy. Oh, delicious! | 0:07:45 | 0:07:49 | |
I'd happily eat it. | 0:07:49 | 0:07:51 | |
No! N... | 0:07:51 | 0:07:54 | |
Have a little sit in your chair. | 0:07:54 | 0:07:57 | |
COCO CRIES AND SHOUTS | 0:07:57 | 0:07:59 | |
She's really strong! | 0:07:59 | 0:08:01 | |
COCO CONTINUES CRYING AND SHOUTING | 0:08:01 | 0:08:03 | |
'It's got so bad that it's turned into a daily battle.' | 0:08:03 | 0:08:08 | |
-Just a little bit. -No! -No? -No! -No? | 0:08:08 | 0:08:11 | |
-Would it make a difference if you knew this took me about four hours... -No! -No? | 0:08:11 | 0:08:15 | |
'And sadly it's one that Coco usually wins.' | 0:08:17 | 0:08:21 | |
-Little try? -No! -A little tiny bit. -No! | 0:08:21 | 0:08:25 | |
-No! -No? | 0:08:25 | 0:08:26 | |
Meal times can be a real battle and sometimes if I've had a long day, | 0:08:26 | 0:08:30 | |
'I can be really wet and give up,' | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
and we just end up on the sofa watching bed-time telly. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:38 | |
'OK, so it's not ideal, | 0:08:38 | 0:08:41 | |
'but letting Coco win sometimes doesn't feel that bad, | 0:08:41 | 0:08:44 | |
'and I don't really want to make food a massive issue. | 0:08:44 | 0:08:48 | |
'But I know some parents would think it would cause problems later, | 0:08:48 | 0:08:53 | |
'and that the key to a happy home is in setting very clear boundaries.' | 0:08:53 | 0:08:57 | |
'I've come to Sussex to meet a couple | 0:08:58 | 0:09:01 | |
who believe in an old-fashioned, disciplinarian approach to bringing up their two boys.' | 0:09:01 | 0:09:07 | |
-Hi, Paul. -Hello, Cherry. Hi! -Nice to meet you. -Come in. And you, come in. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:11 | |
-Ooh, are you a shoes-off household? -We are, but we don't mind. -It's all right. Don't worry. | 0:09:11 | 0:09:16 | |
No. No. I like to play by the rules. I don't mind at all. | 0:09:16 | 0:09:22 | |
As long as I don't have to go barefoot. That's fine. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:25 | |
'From day one, Paul and Nicky have been very black and white about setting firm rules for their kids.' | 0:09:25 | 0:09:32 | |
What are some of do's and the don'ts of your household? | 0:09:32 | 0:09:35 | |
-Ooh... -Don't eat... You eat and drink at the table. | 0:09:35 | 0:09:39 | |
They never sit on the couch with any food. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
The only time they can maybe sit on the floor is sometimes on a Friday | 0:09:42 | 0:09:47 | |
it's "sweetie" day and they can have a little bit of relaxation there. | 0:09:47 | 0:09:51 | |
We do pull them up every so often on manners. That's a very big issue. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:55 | |
That they know they've got to have please, thank you, et cetera, | 0:09:55 | 0:09:59 | |
and be very well-behaved. | 0:09:59 | 0:10:01 | |
The little things like the shoes off when they come in, | 0:10:01 | 0:10:03 | |
but it's instilled in them a lot of the time. They know that these are the rules. | 0:10:03 | 0:10:07 | |
I gave Nicky and Paul a camera to film over 2 weeks to show me how discipline is enforced in the house. | 0:10:07 | 0:10:14 | |
Right, you, listen. | 0:10:14 | 0:10:16 | |
I heard you say shut up to me. | 0:10:16 | 0:10:18 | |
I did not say that to you! | 0:10:18 | 0:10:20 | |
Get outside, | 0:10:20 | 0:10:22 | |
time out, you can go outside! | 0:10:22 | 0:10:25 | |
We have got them into a routine but we still get times where they keep getting up out of bed | 0:10:25 | 0:10:31 | |
and sometimes it gets too much and if they really are playing up, one thing we do do sometimes, | 0:10:31 | 0:10:38 | |
particularly at night, | 0:10:38 | 0:10:40 | |
is we bring one of them down and we put them just outside in the dark and shut the door. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:46 | |
-You going to go up to bed? -No. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
Well, then you better go out then. | 0:10:48 | 0:10:52 | |
You gonna get into bed or are you going outside? | 0:10:52 | 0:10:56 | |
What you doing? | 0:10:56 | 0:10:58 | |
People might think that's quite cruel or not right at all, but | 0:10:58 | 0:11:02 | |
the absolute amazing change you get after, I don't know, say 30 seconds | 0:11:02 | 0:11:07 | |
to a minute of actually doing that, | 0:11:07 | 0:11:10 | |
it's not long, you bring them back in, straight up to bed, no problem. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:14 | |
Right then, give me a kiss. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:17 | |
-Love you loads. -Kiss. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:19 | |
If you're going to say to them, "Look, if you don't shut up you're gonna be outside," | 0:11:19 | 0:11:25 | |
it's quite easy as a parent not to carry that through, | 0:11:25 | 0:11:28 | |
but they're quite intelligent and they get to know, | 0:11:28 | 0:11:31 | |
if you don't carry that through, they know that, they know it's just words. | 0:11:31 | 0:11:36 | |
I don't like doing it but I know I'm going to get the result out of it | 0:11:36 | 0:11:40 | |
at the end of the day and that's why we have done that. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:43 | |
Right, well because you've been good boys, | 0:11:43 | 0:11:46 | |
-who wants to watch the Doctor Who DVD we got later, yeah? -Me! | 0:11:46 | 0:11:51 | |
Nicky and Paul's methods may not be to everyone's taste | 0:11:51 | 0:11:55 | |
but they are demanding of themselves too, | 0:11:55 | 0:11:58 | |
and have both chosen to work shifts so that one of them is always at home with the boys. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:03 | |
There are definitely a few benefits to being strict. | 0:12:03 | 0:12:06 | |
Children helping with the washing up, | 0:12:06 | 0:12:09 | |
I want a bit of that! | 0:12:09 | 0:12:11 | |
When either Lewis or Oliver don't toe the line, | 0:12:11 | 0:12:14 | |
Paul and Nicky also use smacking as their last resort, | 0:12:14 | 0:12:17 | |
and they're keen to show me when they do this. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:21 | |
It'll make me better. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:23 | |
I'm not arguing with you, you're not having any. | 0:12:23 | 0:12:27 | |
Oliver, you'll be straight back outside. | 0:12:34 | 0:12:36 | |
Don't you dare touch that fridge or that packet of crisps up there, no, no. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:41 | |
Now STOP IT. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
Come on, bedtime. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:57 | |
Bed now, | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
thank you. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:03 | |
Get off, don't do that, no! | 0:13:03 | 0:13:06 | |
No. | 0:13:06 | 0:13:08 | |
Right, get upstairs, please, now. | 0:13:08 | 0:13:11 | |
You've been told. | 0:13:11 | 0:13:13 | |
Bed! Thank you. | 0:13:16 | 0:13:17 | |
Take your rag. | 0:13:20 | 0:13:23 | |
Bed. | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
That last one's quite hard to watch, that last smack | 0:13:29 | 0:13:33 | |
was a proper smack! | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
Is that the hardest you do it? | 0:13:35 | 0:13:36 | |
Yeah, but it shocked him, didn't it? | 0:13:36 | 0:13:39 | |
Yeah, it did and I think that's what you need, the shock factor sometimes because I think a very light tap | 0:13:39 | 0:13:45 | |
he'd have laughed and it wouldn't have worked and you're losing | 0:13:45 | 0:13:50 | |
the message there so sometimes a little bit harder so he does realise we do mean business. | 0:13:50 | 0:13:57 | |
-How often do you smack the children? -I suppose with Lewis maybe | 0:13:57 | 0:14:01 | |
two or three times a week and with Oliver again about the same. | 0:14:01 | 0:14:06 | |
You know, I'd rather see somebody discipline with a smack then watching a family, | 0:14:06 | 0:14:11 | |
"No, don't do that, don't do that" and the child walking all over them. | 0:14:11 | 0:14:15 | |
Do you ever worry that violence breeds violence and that, | 0:14:15 | 0:14:19 | |
by smacking your kids, you may be teaching them something unhealthy? | 0:14:19 | 0:14:24 | |
I can only judge it by my own personal experiences and the same | 0:14:24 | 0:14:28 | |
with Nicky, in the fact that we were smacked as kids and I don't think that did us any harm whatsoever. | 0:14:28 | 0:14:35 | |
I was only smacked twice as a child and because it was so rare | 0:14:35 | 0:14:42 | |
I remember it vividly. | 0:14:42 | 0:14:44 | |
Once when I cut the back of the sofa open with a knife | 0:14:44 | 0:14:48 | |
and once when it tired to run across the road | 0:14:48 | 0:14:53 | |
and I remember being really, really scared | 0:14:53 | 0:14:58 | |
and very sorry and knowing I'd stepped over the line, | 0:14:58 | 0:15:01 | |
but I think | 0:15:03 | 0:15:05 | |
doing it that rarely means that it has a huge impact. | 0:15:05 | 0:15:10 | |
I think two or three times a week and you're starting to step into a different territory. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:17 | |
So smacking's not something I want to do on a regular basis as I am not sure it works, | 0:15:17 | 0:15:22 | |
but a recent government survey found that two thirds of children in Britain | 0:15:22 | 0:15:26 | |
have been smacked by their parents, | 0:15:26 | 0:15:28 | |
although only a quarter of parents were happy to admit it. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
If the government made smacking illegal, would you stop? | 0:15:31 | 0:15:36 | |
No, I'd rather go to court | 0:15:36 | 0:15:39 | |
and justify why I'm doing it than stop doing what I feel is right. | 0:15:39 | 0:15:46 | |
That's a really strong belief and I don't honestly think, | 0:15:46 | 0:15:50 | |
um, anybody has the right to say what you can and can't do with your child. | 0:15:50 | 0:15:56 | |
Kids learn by example, kids are like sponges. | 0:15:57 | 0:16:00 | |
They watch everything you do and they copy it, and if you're dealing with | 0:16:00 | 0:16:05 | |
your kid by smacking constantly they can't but learn that example, surely? | 0:16:05 | 0:16:11 | |
So if I'm not prepared to wield the stick for discipline, perhaps I can always encourage Coco with a carrot. | 0:16:13 | 0:16:20 | |
After all, a bit of bribery never did anyone too much harm. | 0:16:20 | 0:16:24 | |
I've come to Derby to meet Chantal. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
She's a 28-year-old single mum, who works non-stop to keep a smile | 0:16:30 | 0:16:34 | |
on her three kids' faces and pay for everything they could ever wish for. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:39 | |
And when I say she works for it, I mean she really works it. | 0:16:39 | 0:16:46 | |
As well as lap-dancing, Chantal works as a beautician and waitress | 0:16:55 | 0:17:01 | |
to keep the money rolling in. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:03 | |
I like to make £200-300 a day. | 0:17:03 | 0:17:06 | |
I like to come to work and make 4, 5 6, 7, 900 pounds a night. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:09 | |
-What?! -Yeah, you know what I mean? I've made two, three grand a night | 0:17:09 | 0:17:14 | |
and who's making that? | 0:17:14 | 0:17:16 | |
I've got kids that want, if they see something, by the end of the week they've got it. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:22 | |
I do this for my kids to have the best. I couldn't | 0:17:22 | 0:17:25 | |
do it sitting on the dole. Who could live off £100 every two weeks? | 0:17:25 | 0:17:29 | |
As long as I'm young, fit and able to work and I can give them | 0:17:29 | 0:17:32 | |
what they want, there's no way over my dead body they're going without. | 0:17:32 | 0:17:35 | |
Juggling three jobs to provide her children with the best | 0:17:35 | 0:17:39 | |
means that Chantal can work until 4am to earn the big bucks. | 0:17:39 | 0:17:45 | |
Wow, how do you feel? | 0:18:01 | 0:18:03 | |
It's so early in the morning! | 0:18:03 | 0:18:06 | |
How are you feeling? | 0:18:06 | 0:18:09 | |
I'm tired. This is what I do all the time though. | 0:18:09 | 0:18:12 | |
And how much money did you made? | 0:18:12 | 0:18:15 | |
About £300, it's not the best but it's Friday night and it's hit and miss. | 0:18:15 | 0:18:19 | |
What time are you gonna get up? | 0:18:19 | 0:18:21 | |
What time is it now? | 0:18:23 | 0:18:24 | |
-4am. -I'll get into bed about five and be up at about seven with Kameiya for breakfast. | 0:18:24 | 0:18:32 | |
See you tomorrow. | 0:18:34 | 0:18:36 | |
Bright and early, make sure you're there. | 0:18:36 | 0:18:39 | |
It's 8am and I am bushed! | 0:18:46 | 0:18:50 | |
Hiya! | 0:18:53 | 0:18:55 | |
But there's no rest for Chantal, as her five-year-old daughter Kameiya is definitely ready to play. | 0:18:55 | 0:19:02 | |
How are you feeling? | 0:19:02 | 0:19:04 | |
I feel like death. | 0:19:06 | 0:19:08 | |
My head's spinning, I have a headache in my eye, | 0:19:11 | 0:19:15 | |
I feel like I'm dying. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:18 | |
Chantal's incredible work ethic has paid for sons, Ma-kyi and Kamarl to have every computer console | 0:19:18 | 0:19:24 | |
they could ever want, | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
and daughter Kameiya gets anything she could possibly think of. | 0:19:26 | 0:19:29 | |
So it's not always easy deciding who's first in line to play a game. | 0:19:29 | 0:19:33 | |
Kameiya, give Ma-Kyi... | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
No-one's going to play with you in a minute. | 0:19:35 | 0:19:38 | |
I wish I knew how to do it. | 0:19:40 | 0:19:42 | |
Ma-Kyi, come here, come and do it quick please. | 0:19:42 | 0:19:45 | |
Ma-Kyi? | 0:19:45 | 0:19:47 | |
CHILD WHINGES | 0:19:47 | 0:19:51 | |
Why is she upset? | 0:20:02 | 0:20:05 | |
Because she's spoilt, if she doesn't get her own way, because she's got to have player number one, | 0:20:05 | 0:20:10 | |
she obviously feels like she's got to say it all. | 0:20:10 | 0:20:14 | |
She's just showing off. | 0:20:14 | 0:20:16 | |
CHILD GRIZZLES | 0:20:16 | 0:20:18 | |
Gosh, she's really shouting, isn't she? | 0:20:21 | 0:20:23 | |
Are you going to bed? | 0:20:29 | 0:20:31 | |
Come on then, right come on. | 0:20:31 | 0:20:34 | |
Chantal's taking the kids out for some good old retail therapy, something they do most weeks. | 0:20:38 | 0:20:44 | |
But it's not quite the fun and games I thought it would be. | 0:20:48 | 0:20:53 | |
You boys look a bit sad, what's wrong? Are you all right? | 0:20:53 | 0:20:58 | |
They've been so excited but if you don't smile I'm not taking you shopping. | 0:20:58 | 0:21:03 | |
You ready? | 0:21:03 | 0:21:05 | |
This might cheer you up a bit. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:07 | |
How is it? | 0:21:11 | 0:21:13 | |
Where are my kids going? | 0:21:19 | 0:21:20 | |
Come here. Don't just walk off. | 0:21:22 | 0:21:25 | |
If you don't eat your dinner, we ain't going shopping. | 0:21:25 | 0:21:28 | |
Ma-Kyi, no, come here now. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:32 | |
I've noticed that when things get really bad, | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
you say to the boys "I won't buy you this, I won't buy you that," | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
do you then follow that threat through successfully? | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
I think I'll take that as a no! | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
What about these? | 0:21:52 | 0:21:54 | |
After three hours, the kids have managed to spend 130 quid of mum's money. | 0:22:05 | 0:22:11 | |
Can I see your loot? | 0:22:11 | 0:22:13 | |
You got an umbrella, | 0:22:15 | 0:22:16 | |
a music book, | 0:22:16 | 0:22:18 | |
another book, | 0:22:20 | 0:22:22 | |
a puzzle, | 0:22:22 | 0:22:23 | |
and some aqua beads, | 0:22:23 | 0:22:25 | |
they look really fun. | 0:22:25 | 0:22:28 | |
Boys, what did you get? | 0:22:31 | 0:22:33 | |
Is that what you wanted? How do you feel now you've got it? | 0:22:33 | 0:22:37 | |
Happy. | 0:22:37 | 0:22:38 | |
You wanted that game for ages and you're not smiling. | 0:22:38 | 0:22:41 | |
Why do I bother because they don't appreciate what I do. | 0:22:41 | 0:22:47 | |
They got everything they wanted and | 0:22:47 | 0:22:50 | |
yet they were still really unhappy. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:54 | |
Chantal is either a saint or completely mad. | 0:22:54 | 0:22:58 | |
I certainly want Coco to be happy but I don't want it to come at the expense of her walking all over me. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:07 | |
She can't be the boss, I've got to take charge, so I'm going | 0:23:07 | 0:23:12 | |
all out to tackle the point when I give in most - mealtimes. | 0:23:12 | 0:23:16 | |
Today it's all about that high chair and this Bolognese, and unless those | 0:23:16 | 0:23:23 | |
two are part of the equation there will be no food passing Coco's lips. | 0:23:23 | 0:23:29 | |
Cos I've been a bit silly, haven't, just I letting you eat what you want | 0:23:29 | 0:23:33 | |
but now, my friend, the worm has turned. | 0:23:33 | 0:23:40 | |
It's not just about food at the moment, it's also about who's boss | 0:23:40 | 0:23:44 | |
and I've just been a bit wet and kind of relaxed and | 0:23:44 | 0:23:48 | |
I'm slightly putting on my mummy hat at the moment and bringing out the big guns. | 0:23:48 | 0:23:53 | |
So far, so predictable, but this time I'm not giving up. | 0:24:07 | 0:24:13 | |
You want some of this? | 0:24:13 | 0:24:15 | |
She really doesn't want it. | 0:24:20 | 0:24:23 | |
Surely she can't go on like this all day... | 0:24:23 | 0:24:25 | |
Can she? | 0:24:25 | 0:24:28 | |
Poor cow. The phone's next to get it. | 0:24:38 | 0:24:42 | |
I'm really tired of this game. | 0:24:50 | 0:24:52 | |
OK, I'm throwing in the towel on the high chair, | 0:24:55 | 0:24:59 | |
but I really want to stay strong on the Bolognese. | 0:24:59 | 0:25:05 | |
Coco hasn't eaten now for 11 hours, it's 6 o'clock | 0:25:18 | 0:25:24 | |
and the food is right there. | 0:25:24 | 0:25:26 | |
She's... | 0:25:26 | 0:25:27 | |
..definitely not gonna eat today, | 0:25:30 | 0:25:33 | |
I'd put money on it. | 0:25:33 | 0:25:34 | |
MOUTHS: Oh, my God! | 0:25:49 | 0:25:52 | |
OK, she only had four mouthfuls... | 0:26:46 | 0:26:50 | |
but after 11 hours | 0:26:51 | 0:26:57 | |
I'm actually pretty happy with that. | 0:26:57 | 0:27:00 | |
When Coco and I leave the house, my number one concern is keeping her out of harm's way. | 0:27:06 | 0:27:12 | |
I obviously don't let her out of my sight, but, with constant reminders in news of abductions like | 0:27:12 | 0:27:18 | |
Jamie Bulger and Madeline McCann, I worry if I'll ever eventually be OK with cutting the apron strings. | 0:27:18 | 0:27:24 | |
So where should I draw the line between keeping her safe and living a life governed by fear? | 0:27:24 | 0:27:30 | |
I've come to meet mum of two Faye, who's made the decision to live in | 0:27:33 | 0:27:38 | |
a rural, gated community with her husband and daughters Eli and Brooke. | 0:27:38 | 0:27:42 | |
Do you like the area you're living in, is this somewhere you feel safe? | 0:27:42 | 0:27:48 | |
This particular flat, yeah I feel safe in here, outside this flat, no, not at all. | 0:27:48 | 0:27:54 | |
I just don't feel comfortable letting my child roam the street | 0:27:54 | 0:27:58 | |
when there is so much knife crime and gangs and things like that. | 0:27:58 | 0:28:02 | |
I can understand people do think I keep them in my own little bubble, | 0:28:02 | 0:28:08 | |
but at the end of the day that is up to me and that is how I want to bring my children up. | 0:28:08 | 0:28:12 | |
I don't want them to grow up too quick. | 0:28:12 | 0:28:15 | |
The only place that Faye does let 10-year-old Eli play is on the tennis | 0:28:15 | 0:28:20 | |
court next to her apartment, right where she can see her. | 0:28:20 | 0:28:24 | |
Is this where you like to come and play? | 0:28:26 | 0:28:28 | |
-Yeah. -Why don't you go other places? | 0:28:28 | 0:28:30 | |
Because my mum won't allow it, she's very protective between me | 0:28:30 | 0:28:34 | |
and Brooke, and if we go somewhere else, she'll just worry and panic. | 0:28:34 | 0:28:38 | |
Who does your mum tell you to look out for? | 0:28:38 | 0:28:41 | |
Well, gangs might jump out and say, "Give me your money!" | 0:28:41 | 0:28:45 | |
And if you refuse, they might stab you, | 0:28:45 | 0:28:48 | |
or people that you don't know, especially strangers, | 0:28:48 | 0:28:56 | |
those are pretty scary, or babysitters, | 0:28:56 | 0:28:58 | |
they could be very dangerous, | 0:28:58 | 0:29:00 | |
people in shops that are standing round and you're scared | 0:29:00 | 0:29:03 | |
and you walk past them and they cover your mouth, | 0:29:03 | 0:29:06 | |
so you scream and they can't hear you or anything. | 0:29:06 | 0:29:08 | |
Is kidnapping something you're scared of? | 0:29:08 | 0:29:11 | |
Yeah, like Madeleine, that scares me, | 0:29:11 | 0:29:15 | |
because I see that or stabbing and being shot and everything. | 0:29:15 | 0:29:22 | |
'Listening to Eli, I found that really, really shocking.' | 0:29:22 | 0:29:26 | |
She is terrified of the world. | 0:29:26 | 0:29:29 | |
She is completely petrified of really, really scary grown-up things, like murder. | 0:29:29 | 0:29:35 | |
When Faye does go out with her daughters, she makes sure that they always stay within reach. | 0:29:37 | 0:29:41 | |
When I was younger, I was able to go out and play with my next door neighbour | 0:29:41 | 0:29:47 | |
and get our bikes and go riding round the block. | 0:29:47 | 0:29:51 | |
They could never do that now, | 0:29:51 | 0:29:53 | |
they could never ever in a million years do that. | 0:29:53 | 0:29:56 | |
Why can't Elouise walk down the street on her own? | 0:29:56 | 0:29:59 | |
Because it's just far too dangerous. I'll show you the sort of things that scare me. | 0:29:59 | 0:30:07 | |
All she was doing was walking a dog | 0:30:07 | 0:30:10 | |
and she got slashed 41 times. | 0:30:10 | 0:30:14 | |
She wasn't out in a club, | 0:30:14 | 0:30:16 | |
she wasn't partying, she was out walking a dog. | 0:30:16 | 0:30:21 | |
And this one, this happened the other day. | 0:30:22 | 0:30:25 | |
He came out of a train station and they hunted him down | 0:30:25 | 0:30:30 | |
and stabbed him to death, because they went to two different schools. | 0:30:30 | 0:30:33 | |
Do you think the papers are blowing it out of proportion? | 0:30:33 | 0:30:37 | |
No, I don't. You can't make something like this up. | 0:30:37 | 0:30:40 | |
You just can't and, unfortunately, its just going to get a whole lot worse. | 0:30:40 | 0:30:45 | |
Before you had children, did you think your fear would be this powerful? | 0:30:45 | 0:30:50 | |
No. If I knew ten years ago | 0:30:50 | 0:30:54 | |
what it was going to be like now, I wouldn't have had kids. | 0:30:54 | 0:30:57 | |
'I'm so surprised' | 0:30:59 | 0:31:01 | |
at her huge level of fear at the world. | 0:31:01 | 0:31:05 | |
It must be completely exhausting for her and I'm not sure she needs to be that worried. | 0:31:05 | 0:31:13 | |
Although I don't think the world is as hostile a place as Faye does, | 0:31:13 | 0:31:17 | |
I can relate to her protective instinct. | 0:31:17 | 0:31:19 | |
It is really difficult to learn to let go, but eventually I know I'll have to. | 0:31:19 | 0:31:24 | |
Back in Rugby, and Abi's been grounded since I last saw her. | 0:31:33 | 0:31:37 | |
But mum Lindsay's told me that, after two weeks of squeaky-clean behaviour, | 0:31:37 | 0:31:42 | |
she's allowing her to go out to the gig tonight with her friends. | 0:31:42 | 0:31:46 | |
How come you've decided to let her go? I know you were really questioning whether to. | 0:31:46 | 0:31:50 | |
We've actually had quite a nice, sort of, week and a half. | 0:31:50 | 0:31:53 | |
I know she's been grounded and it's kind of forced family time, | 0:31:53 | 0:31:58 | |
but it's been quite nice really, so I don't want to spoil it | 0:31:58 | 0:32:02 | |
-and everything to flare up again. -Are you nervous? | 0:32:02 | 0:32:06 | |
Hmm, a little bit, yeah. I haven't got the energy for more arguments really, so I just hope she behaves. | 0:32:06 | 0:32:12 | |
So do I, as I've been invited along tonight to observe what Abi's like when she's with her mates. | 0:32:14 | 0:32:19 | |
-Ta-dah! -That looks sick. | 0:32:20 | 0:32:22 | |
-Does it look all right? -Yeah, it looks good...and it works well with your nose piercing. | 0:32:22 | 0:32:27 | |
TEENAGER-ESQUE: Ah, yeah, like, whatever. | 0:32:28 | 0:32:30 | |
-Yeah, good? -Yeah! -OK, wicked. Great. | 0:32:30 | 0:32:33 | |
What are the rules your mum has set in place for tonight? | 0:32:33 | 0:32:36 | |
Don't come home drunk or lean. | 0:32:37 | 0:32:39 | |
-Drunk or lean? -High, on drugs. | 0:32:41 | 0:32:44 | |
Oh, God, I feel like your grandma. GRANNY-ESQUE: "What does lean mean?" | 0:32:44 | 0:32:47 | |
Nah, most people don't know. | 0:32:47 | 0:32:49 | |
-OK, so, no smoking pot and no drinking. -Mmm-hmm. | 0:32:49 | 0:32:53 | |
How do you think that's going to go? | 0:32:53 | 0:32:55 | |
Not well! | 0:32:57 | 0:32:58 | |
It's like watching a car crash about to happen and I'm, kind of, stuck in the middle of it. | 0:32:58 | 0:33:04 | |
I just hope tonight doesn't go as badly as I think it's going to go. | 0:33:04 | 0:33:09 | |
I'm picking you up at quarter past 11. The gig finishes at 11. | 0:33:09 | 0:33:13 | |
I expect you to be in the car, at the back of McDonald's, | 0:33:13 | 0:33:17 | |
-at a quarter past 11. -OK. -And no drinking or smoking. -I know. | 0:33:17 | 0:33:21 | |
OK. | 0:33:21 | 0:33:22 | |
ABI GIGGLES | 0:33:22 | 0:33:25 | |
-Can I go now? -I suppose. | 0:33:25 | 0:33:28 | |
I've literally never seen so many teenagers in one spot, in my life. | 0:33:38 | 0:33:42 | |
Suddenly, they've just gathered! | 0:33:42 | 0:33:45 | |
There's no cannabis in sight, but an older boy has bought Abi a bottle of vodka | 0:33:46 | 0:33:51 | |
and she wants to neck as much as she can before going into the gig, where she won't be able to drink. | 0:33:51 | 0:33:55 | |
Can you drink it straight out the bottle? | 0:33:57 | 0:33:59 | |
Apparently, yes. | 0:33:59 | 0:34:00 | |
-It tastes a bit grim, to be honest, but I can do it. -Is it worth it? | 0:34:01 | 0:34:05 | |
Yes, without a doubt, it's worth it. | 0:34:05 | 0:34:07 | |
What do you want out of tonight? | 0:34:07 | 0:34:09 | |
Tonight, I want to get as... | 0:34:09 | 0:34:12 | |
Have as much fun as possible and get fairly drunk, | 0:34:12 | 0:34:15 | |
because it's been a while. | 0:34:15 | 0:34:17 | |
I've had a break, I've been grounded, it's been a while. I want fun. | 0:34:17 | 0:34:21 | |
Grounding Abi doesn't seem to have taught her anything. | 0:34:21 | 0:34:24 | |
In fact, she's seems even more determined to have a blow-out. | 0:34:24 | 0:34:27 | |
THEY CALL OUT AND SWEAR | 0:34:27 | 0:34:31 | |
She's definitely off on one, isn't she? | 0:34:40 | 0:34:43 | |
Yeah, she doesn't know her limit, really, I don't think. | 0:34:43 | 0:34:47 | |
I burped! | 0:34:49 | 0:34:50 | |
-Is that normal? -Erm, that's quite about normal for her. | 0:34:50 | 0:34:55 | |
You're a fucking muppet, where the fuck are you? | 0:34:55 | 0:34:58 | |
DEAFENING ROCK MUSIC | 0:35:00 | 0:35:02 | |
The gig's in full swing, but the girls have been refused entry and I'm starting to wonder | 0:35:02 | 0:35:08 | |
what Lindsay would think if she knew that the ground rules were being flaunted. | 0:35:08 | 0:35:12 | |
-Are you worried about her finding out? -Where the fuck is my phone? | 0:35:12 | 0:35:15 | |
No, well, yeah, but, you know. | 0:35:15 | 0:35:18 | |
Do you think she'll be cross? | 0:35:19 | 0:35:21 | |
-Of course she'll be cross. She's a bitch. -Do you care? | 0:35:21 | 0:35:24 | |
No, well, yeah, I do care, because if I'm really, really drunk... | 0:35:24 | 0:35:29 | |
But mind you, I've got... two, three hours to sober up, | 0:35:29 | 0:35:36 | |
because they took my fucking alcohol, | 0:35:36 | 0:35:38 | |
so I really don't give a shit, because I'll be sober by then, with any luck. | 0:35:38 | 0:35:42 | |
Oh, my God, there's Kirsty. | 0:35:42 | 0:35:43 | |
JAMIE! Can I have a hug? | 0:35:43 | 0:35:47 | |
Who said my name? | 0:35:47 | 0:35:49 | |
Oh, it was Charlie. Fuck me! | 0:35:49 | 0:35:52 | |
So she's basically going to hang around outside | 0:35:52 | 0:35:56 | |
for three hours, on the streets, pissed. | 0:35:56 | 0:36:01 | |
The thought of Coco hanging around | 0:36:01 | 0:36:03 | |
in a busy town, completely wasted, for three hours on her own... | 0:36:03 | 0:36:10 | |
I'd want to lock her in a cupboard. | 0:36:13 | 0:36:15 | |
I'd agreed not to take sides, but it's proving increasingly difficult not to, | 0:36:18 | 0:36:24 | |
especially since the venue have called the police. | 0:36:24 | 0:36:26 | |
Oh, fuck. | 0:36:26 | 0:36:28 | |
-Abi, are you all right? -I'm fine. | 0:36:28 | 0:36:30 | |
-What's going on, mate? -Can you just leave me, because if I get told off then my mum's going to kill me. | 0:36:30 | 0:36:36 | |
-I need to take some details off you first. -No! | 0:36:36 | 0:36:39 | |
-Listen. -No, you need to listen. | 0:36:39 | 0:36:41 | |
We've had a call from the club, because of concerns for your welfare, | 0:36:41 | 0:36:45 | |
so I need to get some details and get it sorted. | 0:36:45 | 0:36:47 | |
-I can't just leave you. You're underage and you've had a drink. -No, I'm fine, don't ring my parents! | 0:36:47 | 0:36:53 | |
-I'm not going to ring your parents. Can you make sure someone picks her up? -I'm sorry. | 0:36:53 | 0:36:58 | |
No, don't be sorry, just trying to make sure you get home safe. | 0:36:58 | 0:37:01 | |
-Where the FUCK is my vodka? -They took it away. | 0:37:05 | 0:37:09 | |
You WANKERS! I hate you. I hate you. | 0:37:09 | 0:37:14 | |
With Abi now unable to even stand up, I make the difficult decision to call Lindsay. | 0:37:17 | 0:37:22 | |
Hi, Lindsay, it's Cherry. | 0:37:22 | 0:37:25 | |
I thought I'd just call you. Things have gone a little bit pear shaped. | 0:37:25 | 0:37:29 | |
Abi's not in a good shape. | 0:37:30 | 0:37:32 | |
That's her. | 0:37:39 | 0:37:41 | |
Abi, get in the car. | 0:37:52 | 0:37:53 | |
On one hand, I think, I think Abi's a teenager, | 0:38:05 | 0:38:08 | |
loads of the other kids are drinking and going wild and...that's what teenagers do, | 0:38:08 | 0:38:16 | |
but on the other hand, I feel frustrated, | 0:38:16 | 0:38:19 | |
because I think, "Abi, you know, this is your last chance. | 0:38:19 | 0:38:23 | |
"Your mum's trusted you to go out... | 0:38:23 | 0:38:26 | |
"..and you've really broken that trust tonight." | 0:38:29 | 0:38:31 | |
After seeing Abi rebel, I am really lost as to how us mums | 0:38:33 | 0:38:39 | |
can keep our kids on the straight and narrow, or if it's even possible. | 0:38:39 | 0:38:42 | |
Perhaps the only way to stop teens rebelling | 0:38:42 | 0:38:45 | |
is to trust our kids to make their own decisions, from day one. | 0:38:45 | 0:38:49 | |
Brighton, the home of all things eccentric and alternative. | 0:38:57 | 0:39:00 | |
It's a place where anything goes and no-one bats an eyelid. | 0:39:00 | 0:39:04 | |
I'm here to meet Kate Magic, a vegan food writer who tries to foster | 0:39:04 | 0:39:09 | |
a stress-free, happy home for her three boys. | 0:39:09 | 0:39:14 | |
Hello. Are you Kate? | 0:39:14 | 0:39:16 | |
Nice to meet you. | 0:39:16 | 0:39:17 | |
It's amazingly calm in your house this morning. | 0:39:24 | 0:39:27 | |
You've got three kids! | 0:39:28 | 0:39:30 | |
-How is that possible? -It doesn't usually stay like this. | 0:39:30 | 0:39:33 | |
We just wake up naturally, usually around 9 o'clock. | 0:39:33 | 0:39:38 | |
They can just choose when they wake up? | 0:39:38 | 0:39:40 | |
It's really important to start the day without stress. | 0:39:40 | 0:39:43 | |
How have the kids responded to having a more relaxed morning and no alarm clocks? | 0:39:43 | 0:39:47 | |
Sometimes they're too relaxed! | 0:39:47 | 0:39:50 | |
They're really happy and so I have to work to try and get them to focus | 0:39:50 | 0:39:55 | |
and remember that there is stuff to do during the day, | 0:39:55 | 0:39:58 | |
because they wake up and every day's a holiday. | 0:39:58 | 0:40:01 | |
Ethan and Zac are allowed to wake up when they want to because mum Kate home schools them, | 0:40:01 | 0:40:07 | |
and under her ethos, the school day begins with the least stressful lesson - colouring in. | 0:40:07 | 0:40:13 | |
-So is this a normal typical day in your household? -Yeah, this is how they usually start. | 0:40:13 | 0:40:18 | |
-Quite gentle. -Nice. | 0:40:18 | 0:40:20 | |
I think, if you said to them, let's do maths first, they'd probably be really resistant. | 0:40:20 | 0:40:25 | |
Do monkeys have whiskers or not? | 0:40:25 | 0:40:27 | |
I don't think so. | 0:40:27 | 0:40:29 | |
An estimated 50,000 British kids are home-schooled and it's becoming ever more popular. | 0:40:29 | 0:40:35 | |
In Kate's unique take on it, lessons include tidying their rooms | 0:40:35 | 0:40:40 | |
and washing up - chores which she sees as key to teaching self-discipline. | 0:40:40 | 0:40:45 | |
It's only in the afternoon that traditional learning begins. | 0:40:45 | 0:40:49 | |
But what's the number in category four? | 0:40:49 | 0:40:51 | |
-41. -Very good. | 0:40:51 | 0:40:53 | |
So in total, every day, how much academic work do you think | 0:40:53 | 0:40:58 | |
they'd be able to really do, like properly focus on? | 0:40:58 | 0:41:01 | |
Their patience really wears thin after half an hour. | 0:41:01 | 0:41:05 | |
I can't really get much more than half an hour out of them, | 0:41:05 | 0:41:08 | |
then they need a break, something else, then come back to it. | 0:41:08 | 0:41:11 | |
Kate believes in kids' independence, and 13-year-old son Reuben is even allowed to manage his own education. | 0:41:11 | 0:41:17 | |
He's chosen to go to a self-learning college most mornings and spends | 0:41:17 | 0:41:22 | |
much of the rest of his time writing a sci-fi novel. | 0:41:22 | 0:41:25 | |
So how long is it at the moment? | 0:41:25 | 0:41:27 | |
-Umm, 95 pages. -God! | 0:41:27 | 0:41:30 | |
"Something exploded, men dived to the ground, then jumped to their feet | 0:41:30 | 0:41:34 | |
"and started firing at an unseen enemy. Laser bolts flew off into the smoke. | 0:41:34 | 0:41:39 | |
"Someone cried out in pain, then another explosion went off, killing soldiers. | 0:41:39 | 0:41:44 | |
That's great. That's really good! Do you enjoy writing? | 0:41:44 | 0:41:48 | |
-Yeah, I'd like to get published one day. -Wow! | 0:41:48 | 0:41:52 | |
I'm genuinely really, really impressed. | 0:41:52 | 0:41:56 | |
-I'd never... How old are you? -13. | 0:41:56 | 0:41:58 | |
I'd never have been able to do this at 13, on my own. I'm so impressed. | 0:41:58 | 0:42:04 | |
There definitely is something to this independent learning. | 0:42:04 | 0:42:08 | |
Anyway, I love the outdoor gym. | 0:42:08 | 0:42:10 | |
This is absolutely the opposite of what my school life was like. | 0:42:18 | 0:42:22 | |
Right now, I'd have been in double French, | 0:42:22 | 0:42:24 | |
definitely wouldn't have been by the seaside. | 0:42:24 | 0:42:27 | |
After a blast of fresh air, I'm in need of a coffee. | 0:42:31 | 0:42:34 | |
Sadly, it's only healthy living wheatgrass on offer. | 0:42:34 | 0:42:39 | |
Urgh, that's really disgusting. | 0:42:39 | 0:42:42 | |
OK, ready, steady, go. | 0:42:42 | 0:42:45 | |
Urgh, that is so gross. | 0:42:48 | 0:42:50 | |
Eat the strawberry, the strawberry helps. | 0:42:50 | 0:42:53 | |
What was your education like? | 0:42:58 | 0:42:59 | |
I went to a private girl's school which was very strict and very, very academic. | 0:42:59 | 0:43:05 | |
At assembly, we had to all kneel down to check our skirts were regulation length. | 0:43:05 | 0:43:09 | |
We even had regulation knickers. | 0:43:09 | 0:43:11 | |
You had to wear grey knickers. | 0:43:13 | 0:43:15 | |
So even your pants had to be regulated?! | 0:43:15 | 0:43:20 | |
If you want to be a doctor or a lawyer or something like that, | 0:43:20 | 0:43:24 | |
then that is the education you need, but that's the minority, isn't it? | 0:43:24 | 0:43:27 | |
And, for anyone else, it was just really intense. | 0:43:27 | 0:43:31 | |
Do you worry that, although you're giving your kids these wonderful life skills, | 0:43:31 | 0:43:36 | |
the qualifications won't necessarily be there? | 0:43:36 | 0:43:39 | |
Are you worried that one day they'll come up against a brick wall where they need the qualifications? | 0:43:39 | 0:43:45 | |
No-one's ever asked me how many O-Levels I've got. It doesn't matter that I've | 0:43:45 | 0:43:48 | |
got a load, because it's never been something I've needed to use, so I don't feel its important for them. | 0:43:48 | 0:43:54 | |
I think the two most important things | 0:43:54 | 0:43:56 | |
are good manners and eating your vegetables, do you know what I mean? | 0:43:56 | 0:44:01 | |
To me that is the most important thing - that they're nice people. | 0:44:01 | 0:44:03 | |
Personally, there are some things I really love about Kate's parenting style. | 0:44:05 | 0:44:09 | |
I love that she's so close to her children and wants to be part of their lives and understand them. | 0:44:09 | 0:44:14 | |
'Maybe I'm a bit more traditional than I realise I am,' | 0:44:14 | 0:44:18 | |
because I think for me, Kate's parenting style | 0:44:18 | 0:44:22 | |
is a bit too alternative and wouldn't suit me, particularly. | 0:44:22 | 0:44:26 | |
Whenever I've been away from Coco, I'm desperate to give her a hug and kiss, | 0:44:32 | 0:44:37 | |
which makes coming home late hard to bear. | 0:44:37 | 0:44:41 | |
As much as I love wine, it is a poor substitute for a cuddle. | 0:44:50 | 0:44:55 | |
I mean, I don't want to say it to its face. I feel bad, but, yeah. | 0:44:56 | 0:45:00 | |
Mummy's little helper! | 0:45:05 | 0:45:06 | |
When I am with Coco, I always prioritise doing fun things together and keeping a smile on her face. | 0:45:10 | 0:45:17 | |
But if I want her to do well in the future, am I holding her back by not pushing her more? | 0:45:17 | 0:45:23 | |
I've come to the City of London to meet Emily Apple, a grade A motivated mum, who has | 0:45:25 | 0:45:31 | |
already mapped out her daughter's futures to the best universities and the best possible careers. | 0:45:31 | 0:45:37 | |
-Hello. -Hi, Cherry, I'm Emily. | 0:45:37 | 0:45:40 | |
Nice to meet you. | 0:45:40 | 0:45:41 | |
-How competitive are you? -I can't help but be competitive. | 0:45:41 | 0:45:48 | |
You want your child performing better than everybody else. I think it's a natural instinct. | 0:45:48 | 0:45:53 | |
Even if I think my child was born a week early and your child was born a week late, | 0:45:53 | 0:45:57 | |
so my child's two weeks older than yours, even at that stage, there's a comparison. | 0:45:57 | 0:46:02 | |
My child was crawling or was able to sit unaided at five months, | 0:46:02 | 0:46:06 | |
whereas Billy down the road, he was only seven months. | 0:46:06 | 0:46:09 | |
At every stage of a child's life, you can't help but look | 0:46:09 | 0:46:12 | |
at your peers and see what their child was doing at the same age. | 0:46:12 | 0:46:15 | |
I would be willing to trade some of their happiness for good grades. | 0:46:15 | 0:46:19 | |
'Wow, that's quite a confession,' | 0:46:19 | 0:46:22 | |
'but not that surprising considering her achievements.' | 0:46:22 | 0:46:24 | |
I went to Oxford University and studied maths. | 0:46:24 | 0:46:28 | |
-I actually got into Oxford when I was 16. -Oh, my God! What?! -Yeah, I peaked at 16! | 0:46:28 | 0:46:33 | |
That's amazing. When I was 16, I was trying to work out which one of Take That I really wanted to snog. | 0:46:33 | 0:46:38 | |
Oh, I did that, as well! | 0:46:38 | 0:46:39 | |
Emily is a force of nature. She is fiercely competitive and used to success and achievement. | 0:46:42 | 0:46:49 | |
The question I want to know is, how does Emily's children respond to that type of focus? | 0:46:49 | 0:46:56 | |
Is it a negative thing or is it productive? | 0:46:56 | 0:46:59 | |
It's Sunday and whilst five-year-old Yael is at a four-hour Hebrew class, | 0:47:03 | 0:47:08 | |
Emily's attentions are focussed on her 18-month-old daughter, Roni. | 0:47:08 | 0:47:14 | |
-What does a cow do? -Moo. | 0:47:14 | 0:47:16 | |
Moo, very good. | 0:47:16 | 0:47:18 | |
'Already, she's able to complete puzzles | 0:47:18 | 0:47:20 | |
'and match animal noises to pictures.' | 0:47:20 | 0:47:23 | |
APPLAUSE AND CHEERS | 0:47:23 | 0:47:25 | |
I'm, literally, ridiculously impressed. | 0:47:25 | 0:47:28 | |
Coco would never have done that, in a million years. | 0:47:28 | 0:47:32 | |
How many times do you think she would have had to have done this before she gets to this level? | 0:47:32 | 0:47:36 | |
I've probably done it with her 15, 20 times. | 0:47:36 | 0:47:39 | |
I'm more impressed that she can match them together, because that took a bit of training. | 0:47:40 | 0:47:45 | |
What do you think drives you to be a hands-on mum? | 0:47:45 | 0:47:48 | |
Nobody gives you a tree diagram, when a child is born, of what to do to get them through various hoops, | 0:47:48 | 0:47:54 | |
to get them to whatever outcome you're aiming for. | 0:47:54 | 0:47:57 | |
My biggest worry is missing a step and that being really crucial. | 0:47:57 | 0:48:00 | |
Is it stressful? | 0:48:00 | 0:48:02 | |
Yeah, I try not to think about it too much. | 0:48:02 | 0:48:04 | |
Emily is so passionate about achievement that she's enrolling | 0:48:06 | 0:48:11 | |
five-year-old Yael on Kumon, extra curricular maths and English tutorial classes. | 0:48:11 | 0:48:15 | |
-I've come to her first assessment. -Hello. Hi, how are you? | 0:48:15 | 0:48:19 | |
Nice to see you, and who are you? | 0:48:19 | 0:48:22 | |
-Yael. -Nice to meet you. It's quite a significant thing you're doing. | 0:48:22 | 0:48:27 | |
Yeah, it's hardcore brain training, so I'm told, | 0:48:27 | 0:48:29 | |
so lets see what that's all about. | 0:48:29 | 0:48:33 | |
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight... | 0:48:33 | 0:48:40 | |
In addition to her full-time school-work, Kumon will involve | 0:48:40 | 0:48:44 | |
two extra tutorials per week, as well as homework every single day. | 0:48:44 | 0:48:47 | |
..18, 19, 20. | 0:48:47 | 0:48:50 | |
Fantastic. What comes after 20? | 0:48:50 | 0:48:52 | |
21, 22, 23, 24... | 0:48:52 | 0:48:58 | |
It's quite a bit commitment, it's two classes a week and homework pretty much every day. | 0:48:58 | 0:49:03 | |
Are you prepared to make that kind of commitment? | 0:49:03 | 0:49:06 | |
Yeah, I want to do it straight away. | 0:49:06 | 0:49:08 | |
Give me the homework straight away, because I can only see the benefits. | 0:49:08 | 0:49:11 | |
Two plus one equals... | 0:49:11 | 0:49:14 | |
-What does it equal? -Erm... I don't know. -Yes, you do. | 0:49:14 | 0:49:20 | |
You hear so much this days about how hard it is to get a job, how hard it is to get anywhere in life, how, | 0:49:20 | 0:49:26 | |
with inflation going up and salaries not going up and life is really tough, and the more I hear this, | 0:49:26 | 0:49:31 | |
the more I want to give my daughter, as much as I possibly can, the very best grounding. | 0:49:31 | 0:49:36 | |
If she's a willing candidate, why not load it on? Bring it on, that really is my attitude. | 0:49:36 | 0:49:41 | |
Yael is one busy young girl, with ballet, swimming, Saturday and Sunday school, | 0:49:41 | 0:49:47 | |
as well as these new sessions of Kumon, and I wonder if there is literally enough time in each day. | 0:49:47 | 0:49:52 | |
Do you feel like the commitment Yael's going to make to Kumon | 0:49:52 | 0:49:57 | |
is a big sacrifice for her, is she going to miss out on other things? | 0:49:57 | 0:50:01 | |
I don't think so, I don't feel she's missing out. | 0:50:01 | 0:50:03 | |
I think she gets pleasure from doing that sort of task. | 0:50:03 | 0:50:05 | |
There are many hours in a day and to sit down for 10 or 15 minutes doing that is just 10 or 15 minutes | 0:50:05 | 0:50:12 | |
less time of her pottering about with her toys. It's not meaning she can't play until Sunday. | 0:50:12 | 0:50:16 | |
Emily is a self-confessed pushy mum. | 0:50:16 | 0:50:21 | |
My only worry is, later down the line, with such high expectations on | 0:50:21 | 0:50:27 | |
her children and herself, if things go wrong and they are not academic, | 0:50:27 | 0:50:33 | |
how are they going to cope with that pressure and how is she going to cope with them not making the grade? | 0:50:33 | 0:50:39 | |
I love Emily's dedication to her daughters and her competitive spirit has really rubbed off on me, | 0:50:41 | 0:50:47 | |
so if you can't beat 'em, you've got to join 'em. | 0:50:47 | 0:50:50 | |
A, B, C, D, E, F, G... | 0:50:50 | 0:50:55 | |
I'm quite passive but, when you meet another mum like Emily, you do start to worry - am I doing enough? | 0:50:55 | 0:51:02 | |
Am I being proactive enough? Is my child getting enough stimulation? | 0:51:02 | 0:51:07 | |
Are you ready for your exams now? | 0:51:08 | 0:51:10 | |
Yeah. | 0:51:10 | 0:51:11 | |
In Rugby, Lindsay and Abi's relationship is now at rock bottom | 0:51:16 | 0:51:20 | |
after she broke her promise not to get drunk at her gig on Friday. | 0:51:20 | 0:51:24 | |
Lindsay's decided to try a mediation session as a last resort to rebuild their relationship. | 0:51:24 | 0:51:31 | |
We're not on the best terms again, we're not even talking | 0:51:31 | 0:51:34 | |
and stuff like that, so I kind of regret getting so drunk, | 0:51:34 | 0:51:38 | |
but I had fun, so, you know, it happens. | 0:51:38 | 0:51:43 | |
I don't know how | 0:51:45 | 0:51:48 | |
really how to get past it. I'm so angry. | 0:51:48 | 0:51:50 | |
I don't know, I can't even trust her to leave the house. | 0:51:53 | 0:51:58 | |
All she cares about is herself and I don't know how you're meant to parent that, really. | 0:52:05 | 0:52:11 | |
It'd be really good for the purposes of this session if we can try and keep it quite positive. | 0:52:13 | 0:52:19 | |
Because I bet we could probably spend a couple of hours just moaning about each other. | 0:52:19 | 0:52:25 | |
-Do you actually want to get better at listening, would that be a good thing? -Yeah. | 0:52:25 | 0:52:31 | |
What about you, Lindsay? | 0:52:31 | 0:52:33 | |
It just goes back to the truth, doesn't it? | 0:52:33 | 0:52:35 | |
There's no point listening if you know what you're being told isn't the truth. | 0:52:35 | 0:52:40 | |
What did you say to me on Friday? | 0:52:40 | 0:52:44 | |
Can you not see why I'm so upset today? | 0:52:45 | 0:52:48 | |
You promised me so many things on Friday, | 0:52:51 | 0:52:56 | |
like you have done in the past, and you just threw it back at me | 0:52:56 | 0:52:59 | |
and I don't know how we're meant to move on from that. | 0:52:59 | 0:53:02 | |
LINDSAY SOBS | 0:53:02 | 0:53:04 | |
I'm not going to do it again. I'm not stupid. | 0:53:06 | 0:53:10 | |
But I don't understand why you did it in the first place. | 0:53:10 | 0:53:13 | |
Because I'd been stuck in the house for two weeks. | 0:53:13 | 0:53:17 | |
I wanted to see my mates and have some fun, for a change. | 0:53:18 | 0:53:21 | |
But you didn't, did you? You were out for three hours and you got | 0:53:21 | 0:53:25 | |
so paralytic that I had to pick you up from the street. | 0:53:25 | 0:53:30 | |
I really seriously don't see the point of this. | 0:53:32 | 0:53:35 | |
I just want to go home and find myself somewhere else to live. | 0:53:35 | 0:53:39 | |
I'm sorry, I don't want to do this any more. | 0:53:42 | 0:53:45 | |
I found that incredibly difficult to watch | 0:53:54 | 0:53:56 | |
and I felt really upset for both Abi and Lindsay. | 0:53:56 | 0:53:58 | |
There's so much pain between them and, obviously, | 0:53:58 | 0:54:04 | |
it is hugely overwhelming for Lindsay. | 0:54:04 | 0:54:06 | |
Sometimes you just want to run away, don't you? | 0:54:06 | 0:54:10 | |
And sometimes that's a good thing to do. | 0:54:10 | 0:54:13 | |
Yeah, I just needed some space. | 0:54:16 | 0:54:19 | |
After 20 minutes, Lindsay's decided to give the session another shot. | 0:54:20 | 0:54:25 | |
Mum's in tears, you're fed up, | 0:54:25 | 0:54:29 | |
there's nothing to be said for this at all, is there? | 0:54:29 | 0:54:31 | |
But there's everything to play for, if you start to break these patterns of behaviour between you. | 0:54:31 | 0:54:36 | |
Apart from today, when was the last time you two got some time together to do something? | 0:54:36 | 0:54:42 | |
A while ago. | 0:54:42 | 0:54:43 | |
Yeah, it is really, isn't it? | 0:54:43 | 0:54:45 | |
If you could go and do something, what would you like to do? | 0:54:47 | 0:54:50 | |
To that tree top place, you know? | 0:54:52 | 0:54:54 | |
Oh, yeah, that'd be cool. | 0:54:54 | 0:54:56 | |
And how committed are you to making that happen? | 0:54:56 | 0:54:59 | |
Yeah, we can do that. | 0:54:59 | 0:55:01 | |
Get somebody to look after Luke. | 0:55:01 | 0:55:03 | |
It sounds to me like it would be really great for both of you to have some time together. | 0:55:05 | 0:55:10 | |
'I think one of the things that I've learnt is pick your battles.' | 0:55:13 | 0:55:19 | |
Yes, it's your duty as a parent to make sure they're safe, | 0:55:19 | 0:55:22 | |
but actually, if the relationship is not there, you can't discipline them. | 0:55:22 | 0:55:26 | |
Can I actually ask you to give each other a hug? | 0:55:26 | 0:55:29 | |
Lindsay and Abi clearly love each other | 0:55:32 | 0:55:35 | |
and I really hope that they stay dedicated to rebuilding the trust. | 0:55:35 | 0:55:40 | |
Hello! Hello, bubba! | 0:55:44 | 0:55:47 | |
Hello! Give Mummy a cuddle. | 0:55:50 | 0:55:53 | |
From meeting the mums, one of the things I've learnt is that motherhood isn't easy. | 0:55:54 | 0:56:00 | |
It is wonderful, but it is full of challenges. | 0:56:00 | 0:56:03 | |
I think part of the challenge of being a mum is that you love this little thing with all of your heart, | 0:56:03 | 0:56:08 | |
but at the same time, part of your job is to equip them to live their own life, to grow up, | 0:56:08 | 0:56:15 | |
to be independent, to have their own thoughts, and, in a way, that goes against | 0:56:15 | 0:56:19 | |
the really strong instinct of wanting to keep them close and protect them. | 0:56:19 | 0:56:24 | |
And I think that's a really tough challenge for a mum. | 0:56:24 | 0:56:28 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 0:56:47 | 0:56:50 | |
E-mail [email protected] | 0:56:50 | 0:56:53 |