Mr Stink

'Mr Stink stank. He also stunk.

'He was the stinkiest stinker who ever lived.'

HE GROANS

-DOG BARKS

-Urgh! Duchess!

Chloe!

Oh, hello, Pippa.

Do you want to come to my sleepover tomorrow night? It'll be epic.

Yeah, I'd love to.

Oh, you can't come, I just wondered if you wanted to!

THEY LAUGH

Awkward!

I hit him! How genius am I?

Run along now, I'm a very busy man.

The Duchess and I both find children rather aggravating.

DUCHESS BARKS

I came to say sorry about the banana skin.

Did you throw it?

No! It was this girl, Pippa, from my school.

The little wretch is lucky I didn't sling it back.

My auntie just sent me £5 in a Christmas card.

Oooh! Good old Auntie.

I wanted you to have it. To buy a blanket, or some soap?

Thank you, but I have no use for soap.

I had a bath only last year.

Please shut the door on your way out.

I'm only trying to help!

All right. Help if you must!

Now, the Duchess is always hungry.

Would you be kind enough to bring the old girl a sausage?

DUCHESS YELPS AND WHIMPERS

Yeah, I will!

I'm Chloe, by the way. What's your name?

Stink. Mr Stink.

Now, why are you called that?

I have absolutely no idea.

One moment, child.

I'm sorry.

Good riddance to bad rubbish.

For goodness' sake, girl, do something!

I was thinking.

Daydreaming, more like.

Sorry, I just...

Sh! Don't distract me whilst I am working.

This by-election is vital for me.

I could be a Member of Parliament in a matter of days.

Where's the dinner? Annabelle has trombone practice in eight minutes.

Maybe she could give it a miss tonight?

Then how will she be crowned Young Musician of the Year, hmm?

Tell me that. What are you attempting to cook?

From your favourite Look, I'm Posh range, "Duck ale orange".

"Duck a l'orange."

Translated, "Duck a l'orange" means "Duck to the orange".

Well done, my darling. Have another gold star.

Merci beaucoup, Maman.

I'm removing Chloe's star for daydreaming.

Thank you, my angel.

Can we have sausages tomorrow?

Yeah! Of course!

No, we cannot! They are incredibly plebeian.

Chloe, how about asking a friend back after school sometime?

Yeah, maybe one day.

These are from the premium range?

-And they are not past their sell-by date?

-No!

Have you got any more?

No, and you're quite ungrateful for a...

Come, come, say it, "tramp".

Homeless person.

Whereas for a child, you are typically ill-mannered.

-Do you want me to wash that for you?

-No need.

LOUDSPEAKER: 'Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?'

My name is Mrs Caroline Croom and I have a dream.

A dream of living in a country I can be truly proud of.

To the unemployed I say, "Get a job!"

What an awful racket.

To the homeless I say,

"Have a proper wash and get a foot on the property ladder."

Vote Croom. Aaargh!

-Hello, Chloe! My favourite customer.

-Hello, Raj.

I have Rolos on special offer. They are only a year out of date.

No, thanks, Raj.

-Half a Lion Bar? Shall we say 15p?

-Erm, no, thank you.

28 Crunchie bars for the price of 27?

No!

Hey! What's with the frowny face?

Please share with your Uncle Raj.

Well, I've met this tramp who really smells.

I know the man you mean - the stench does make your eyes water.

Pooooiiiieee!

I was wondering whether I should try and help him.

Of course you should!

A tramp is just someone without a home.

Any of us could be homeless one day.

Yeah, I suppose you're right.

But if my mum finds out she will do her nut.

So, what are you going to buy your tramp friend for Christmas?

I have a box full of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles stationery sets

I can't seem to shift.

Yours for only 3.99.

-I'm not sure he really needs one of those.

-They are on special offer!

You have your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles notepad,

Teenage Mutant Ninja... Oh.

3, 2, 1...action!

Thank you for visiting my website, VoteCroom.com.

It's Crumb.

-Croom! Now when I am elected...

-If!

..WHEN I am elected as your Member of Parliament,

I promise to introduce a curfew

so that all children under the age of 25 are indoors by 8pm.

And ban the wearing of leggings in public,

as they are awfully common.

Most importantly of all,

the homeless will be removed from the streets.

Soap dodgers, portable wine-tasting clubs, urban campers,

call them what you will - they are a menace to society.

Thank you.

I forgot to press record.

Ow!

KNOCK ON DOOR

Just checking you are doing your homework.

Yes, yes, I am. In fact, I am just doing my maths homework right now.

-Let me see.

-I'm just in the middle of...

"Flesh-eating zombie bullies must die"?

It's a story I wrote.

-Do they do maths, these flesh-eating zombies?

-No...

Must they die because they got their long division wrong?

There is no maths in here whatsoever!

So this is what you do all day at school, is it?

No!

Come along, Annabelle, Mandarin class.

SHE REPLIES IN MANDARIN

No blowing off in the night and blaming it on me.

DUCHESS WHIMPERS

I might just sit upwind.

So she has returned.

I've decided to opt out of society, like you.

You think I opt out, child?

Er, yeah.

Just because I don't have an iPlop wedged in my ear all the time?

Shall we discuss this over a Frappuccilinone?

It's called a Frappuccino.

Not the way I make it.

What a lovely aroma!

Abandon shop!

They're sometimes a bit funny about dogs.

Right-o, a Frappuccilinone for you,

and for me,

something I am tentatively calling a caramelamochamocha.

SHE GIGGLES

You're cleverer than you look, aren't you?

We are all more than we look.

Be confident, child, fear nobody.

What's wrong at home?

How do you know?

If everything was fine

you wouldn't be spending your afternoons

with an old vagabond like me.

Mum ripped up my story.

You write stories?

Yeah, but she ripped it up. I hate her.

"Hate" is a strong word.

I'm sure your mother loves you.

She's distracted by the possibility of power.

Megaphones do very queer things to folk.

Mum only loves my little sister Annabelle.

Annabelle's always at some stupid class or other.

Archery, ice dancing, Arabic, ski-jumping,

and that's just this morning.

Right now she'll be in ballet.

My ballet dancing days are over.

I fear I shall never dance Giselle again!

SHE LAUGHS

I was actually rather good.

But you know my and the Duchess's views on children.

But it can't be easy being your little sister.

Oh, no, it's Pippa!

"..No-one hires a pink limo for birthdays any more."

And he was all, "Really?"

I mean, my dad, he's such a...

Oh, Chloe?

Who's this, your new boyfriend?

You must be Pippa.

Yeah.

Does anyone call you Pippa Pig?

No.

They should.

SHE SNIFFS You stink!

I think you'll find...

-STOMACH GURGLES

-Ooh, one moment.

Buuuuurp!

My apologies. There's never any excuse for belching.

Must be the coffee repeating on me.

Some people think homeless people should be driven off the streets.

And I think some streetless people should be driven off their homes.

You don't need to be homeless. You could come and live in our shed.

No, the Duchess and I need the open road,

a ceiling of stars, fresh air and...

Mind you, it is ruddy cold today.

Maybe just for the night.

Such unimaginable kindness.

Sorry, it's just a shed,

but at least it gets you off the streets for a while.

There's no en suite, but there is a bucket.

A bucket, very la-di-da!

Oh!

Serpents of Doom?

It's my dad! He never told me he was in a rock band.

I'm afraid I don't follow the hit parade.

Well, well!

Why's it all burnt? And why did he never tell me?

We all have our secrets, Miss Chloe.

"D"?

Yes, this belonged to my friend, Dave.

Good old Dave. Where is Dave now?

With his huge head and...

It says Darlington on the other side.

What's your secret, Mr Stink?

How did you end up living on the streets? Are you an escaped convict?

-No.

-A spy?

A billionaire who lost all his money in a casino playing Top Trumps?

No, but you should put that in a story. Most amusing.

-Are you running away?

-I'm not telling you, so please be quiet!

Right. I am ready for my afternoon tea now.

I'm sorry?

Earl Grey, a selection of sandwiches, scones with plum jam

and Cornish clotted cream.

I've got half a Milky Way from Raj's shop.

Perfect.

If you need anything else, shine this torch up at my bedroom window.

Good night, Mr Stink.

DUCHESS WHIMPERS

You look guilty.

-No, I don't!

-You sound guilty too.

As school has broken up, you can be on leaflet duty today.

Why can't Annabelle do it?

She's off to Battle Re-enactment Society.

Get your coat. Quickly.

-Dad?!

-Sssh! Ow!

Why are you hiding?

I thought I saw a pigeon fly in here.

HE COOS LIKE A PIGEON

All right, the truth is...

I like to pretend I'm Harry Potter in my spare time.

Dad!

OK. I was given the push from the factory last month.

Loads of us were.

I just don't dare tell your mother.

Maybe it's time you stand up to her.

It's not a good time, with this whole MP thing.

We found your CDs in the shed.

You were in the Serpents Of Gloom!

The Serpents of DOOM!

And who's "we"?

I'm experimenting with the royal "we". Like Mum.

Was it her who burnt your guitar?

How did you...? No!

-It...caught fire in a freak lightning strike!

-Dad!

Yes, she burnt it.

< Hurry up!

Promise you won't say a thing about this to your mother.

Chloe! What are you doing in there?

Nothing!

Oh, I need my coat.

Annabelle!

Good girl!

Can I count on your vote in the by-election? No?

Vote Mrs Caroline Croom!

I'm just popping into Raj's.

Good plan. I'll give him some flyers.

Wait there. Eyes and teeth.

Ah, good morning, good morning.

Hi, Raj.

This must be your sister!

Oh! No, shopkeeper! No, I'm Chloe's mother.

Oh.

Can I rely on your vote?

What are you on? The X Factor?

No, shopkeeper.

I'm standing to be the local MP.

So what do you think are the big issues affecting this country today?

Coffee Revels.

What?

I strongly feel coffee Revels should be banned.

They ruin what is otherwise a very enjoyable snack.

Anything else?

Cadbury's Creme Eggs. They should be available all year round,

not just at Easter.

-Right.

-If you promise to change the law on these issues,

you can rely on my vote.

In that case, I promise.

Thank you. Come along, Chloe.

How is your tramp?

What did you say?

Er...

Nothing!

You said something about a tramp.

He said, "How's your stamp?"

Yes, I sold your daughter a stamp and I was wondering how it was.

Before you go, can I interest you in some luxury stationery?

As an MP, you will need a quality product

for when you write to the Prime Minister.

It's by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

You have your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pencil sharpener,

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles...

Oh.

The apathy of the voting public is a disgrace.

Maybe they don't like your ideas about the homeless.

The homeless are people too, you know.

If they were people,

they'd use shower gel, have loyalty cards and a choice of shoes.

The Prime Minister could try and do more. He's got three houses.

Go to your room.

Don't you dare criticise that giant amongst men.

Talking about me again?

How was your day, love?

Go on, up to your room.

< DOG BARKS

(Get back in the shed!)

Get back in the shed!

KNOCK AT DOOR

Room service.

Tea and biccies?

Look, don't mind your mum, she's just under a lot of pressure.

She's on TV tomorrow morning.

-TV?

-Yeah, being interviewed cos of this whole by-election.

It's so boring.

Dad, time to take me to kestrel training!

I wish someone would shoot that damn bird.

Coming, my angel!

'I stand before you today

'not just as a prime minister, but also as a man.'

Do we have to watch this clown every night?

Yes, we do. And he is not a clown.

He's our glorious leader.

'And if I could quote the great Bryan Adams -

'you know it's true.

'Everything I do,

'I do it for you.'

No wonder I sleep bad. It's like having a pile of cheese before bed.

APPLAUSE

KNOCKING AT DOOR

What kept you?

Shush!

-What?!

-I said shush!

Oh.

I'm sorry, I couldn't hear you. Ear plugs!

They don't look like ear plugs.

Rabbit droppings, Miss Chloe. A cheaper alternative.

This is amazing.

Just doing what folk do when they move into a new home.

Sorry I couldn't get here earlier. I was sent to my room.

Is this shortbread all-butter?

Yes!

What did you want?

Oh, yes - I can't get to sleep. I want a bedtime story.

Um, I don't know any.

Of course you do.

What about the one your mother ripped up? About vampire bullies.

Zombie bullies!

That's the one.

I think your coat might have dropped in something bad.

Story!

"In the graveyard, the three bullies rose,

"snarling, from the dead..."

I like it already.

Sh!

"Only one girl could stop them."

Good night to the Duchess.

"She lay there, unaware that the next few days

"would change her life for ever.

"The most evil one, with long blonde hair...

"The zombie bullies lay headless on the ground,

"their toes twitching, smouldering

"until finally, slowly,

"they fell still.

"The end."

HE SNORES

Good night, Mr Stink.

"Lord and Lady Darlington.

"Darlington House, Oxfordshire."

-What are you up to?

-Sh, you'll wake everyone up.

I said, what are you up...

Ow!

What's that awful smell?

What on earth is going on? I need my beauty sleep.

You know I'm on TV first thing in the morning.

What's that awful smell?

I saw Chloe going in and out of the shed with some food.

She's got someone in there.

Are you hiding someone in there?

No.

I don't believe you.

What's that awful smell?

I need you to go down to the shed.

-Me?

-Yes, you.

I know it's on your to-do list,

but I'm not strimming at this time of night!

Your daughter is hiding someone in there.

No, I'm not!

Let's all go back to bed. I know I need to pee...

All right, I'll go!

No, you won't, this is man's work!

Hello? Anyone there? No.

There's no-one there.

Completely empty.

In fact, I've never seen a shed so empty of people...

You're overdoing it.

Sorry!

Chloe...!

I was going to tell you, Dad.

I know Mum doesn't like the homeless

but it was cold and he had nowhere else to go.

All right! For the time being.

Promise you won't tell Mum?

If you don't tell her about me losing my job.

Promise.

So we're live in ten seconds.

Ten, nine...

Don't forget to smile, everybody! Eyes and teeth!

-This is stupid!

-Shut your face!

Hello, we're at the home of by-election candidate Mrs Crumb.

-Uh, it's Croom.

-It's Crumb.

-You seem to have the perfect family life.

-Yes, I do.

And yet you're entering the, some would say, murky world of politics.

Where there is murk, I will bring light. Where there is...

But your policies include

a pledge to drive the homeless off the streets.

I believe that the homeless...

Who washed my coat?!

Sorry, um, you believe the homeless should...?

Should be...

..invited by everyone to live in their garden sheds.

He wasn't there when I looked.

Yes, invite the homeless into your shed.

Sorry, can I ask you - what's it like living with this family?

The service is painfully slow

and there could be a much wider selection of biscuits.

And the worst thing is, they wash your coat without asking!

Well, that's all from the Crumb family and...

-What's your name?

-Stink.

-Stink.

-Mr Stink.

Mr Stink. And he certainly does. Back to the studio.

CAROLINE SOBS

I actually think that went rather well, love.

Sorry about washing your coat.

I keep my private articles in this coat.

I'm sorry, I just thought...

But you didn't think. I knew I should never have stayed here.

-Please.

-That's the problem with do-gooding.

-In the end, it's all about the doer rather than the do-ee.

-No...

So you end up with doo-doo.

Goodbye.

DUCHESS YELPS

DUCHESS BARKS

Hiya, love!

BARKING

There's someone asleep under the leaves!

He won't hear you! He wears ear plugs made of poo!

Be confident. Fear nobody.

Stop!

Sorry.

Who washed my coat?!

Wow.

-Can you tell Annabelle dinner's ready?

-Can't we let her sleep?

She's really tired.

Nonsense, she's a human dynamo.

And she's got Channel swimming training first thing

tomorrow morning. She needs to eat. Annabelle!

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Croom residence.

-BOTH:

-Crumb residence.

Politics Tonight? The TV programme?

Yes, I'd be delighted!

You want that tramp as well? No, no, I won't appear with him.

Ill see you there in an hour.

They won't have me on without HIM. Where is he?

I don't know.

Well, let's go out and find him.

Stop!

TYRES SCREECH

Sorry about your coat.

So am I. It stinks of Ocean Breeze now.

I can be a bit of an old grump sometimes.

Me, too!

You get used to it after a while.

It defeats me why he has to appear, too.

Mr Stink is an internet sensation. He's gone viral.

I'm not surprised - he's probably teeming with lice.

You'll be pleased to know I am louse-free.

Thank the Lord for small mercies.

Although I'm no stranger to worms.

Welcome. With just over a week to go until a crucial by-election,

we have representatives from all the major parties,

and a homeless man who goes by the name of...Mr Stink.

Would this be a good time to use the lavatory?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

No, we are on live television.

Not a number two, just a number one.

No! Now...

Although sometimes you're having a number one and you think,

"Hello, now I need a number two..."

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Let's get on with the programme, shall we?

Can I have the first question, please? Yes, lady there.

Good evening.

DUCHESS YELPS

One moment, please.

Should we...

Sorry about this.

Um, with hundreds of thousands of people

sleeping rough on our streets,

should we all invite a homeless person

into our home for Christmas?

Perhaps you'd care to start us off, Mrs Crumb.

In fact, it's Croom.

-BOTH:

-It's Crumb.

Yes, out of the kindness of my heart, I invited this filthy beggar man

out of the cold to come and live in our garden shed.

If I have a fault, it's that I am too nice.

APPLAUSE

That's a great big pile of steaming poo!

I'd go even further and say

it is a great big pile of poo with a cherry on top!

It was your daughter who invited me to live in the shed.

Well, I, um...

In fact, Miss Chloe is here tonight.

I have been sleeping rough for half a lifetime.

I am a difficult man. Ask the Duchess.

BARKS

But this young girl persisted with me.

If everyone in the country were like her...

Well, it would be horrible - 60 million spotty 12-year-olds.

If everyone were like her, perhaps we would have no more homelessness.

We homeless are not a statistic. We are people.

APPLAUSE

So, Mrs Crumb, why did you lie?

Perhaps to further your election campaign?

No, no...

Oh, come now.

I for one would welcome Mr Stink into my house.

You wouldn't, you big fat liar!

BOOING

He absolutely reeks. Flies run away screaming.

He stinks!

Well, that's got the programme off to a lively start.

We should have you on every week.

You couldn't afford me, dear.

-DISTANT SHOUTING:

-We want Stink! We want Stink! We want Stink...!

Mr Stink!

Mr Stink, wake up!

Good morning, Miss Chloe.

Tell Cook I'll have a kipper.

No! Half the town's turned up to see you!

Why would they do that?

They watched you on telly last night. They love you.

I can't believe the PM has deselected me.

Well, not just that. He's thrown you out of the party.

Thank you(!)

OK, so you've suffered a tiny setback in your political ambitions.

No, it's all over for me. Because of...

THAT creature.

Sorry, Mum.

-Can I peel you an orange?

-Stay away from my fruit!

Be confident. Fear nobody.

Where's your wetsuit?

It's too cold. I don't want to go.

What?

I said I don't want to go.

Let's give her a break, love.

Let her be a little girl again.

By the way, I lost my job two months ago

and I've been hiding in the cupboard under the stairs. There, I said it.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Chloe Crumb.

Croom.

-It's Crumb!

-It's Crumb.

It's the Prime Minister.

He's changed his mind!

OK, I'll pass you over.

Hello, Stink speaking.

Uh-huh. Yes. Yes.

-Yes. Yes.

-What's he saying?

I have no idea. I must still have a rabbit dropping in that ear.

Ah, that's better.

I see. Let me think about that for a moment, sir.

The PM says there's a vacancy

as candidate now Mrs Crumb's been sacked,

and would I like to stand?

You must! Think of all the good you could do for homeless people.

Fine. I will see you this afternoon. What's your address...?

Let me write that down.

10 Downing Street. Thank you so much. Goodbye.

You're meeting a head of state, pal. You do...

need a...bath.

Then I shall have a bath. With knobs on.

Chloe!

Mr Stink! What on earth do you think you're doing?

In the words of 12-year-olds everywhere,

"Duh, I am having a bath!"

I think you'll find...

Although technically I suppose I'm having a pond!

We ran you a nice, hot bath.

Indoor baths are most unhygienic.

Mrs Crumb, would you be good enough to pass me that towel?

Child, avert thine eyes.

Urgh!

Thank you, my good woman. Unimaginable kindness.

Clean as a whistle.

What do you call a man who has paper trousers?

"I don't know, Sid." Russell!

Do you get it?

Too advanced, obviously.

So nice not to be doing anything for once. Thanks.

Do you fancy helping me?

OK. What are we doing?

Are you sure I need one of these make-overs?

You need to look your best for the Prime Minister.

This is fun!

There!

Perfect!

What about the Duchess?

Maybe it's a tiny bit too much.

-CHANTING:

-We want Stink! We want Stink!

Mr Stink!

The Guardian. Do you find the name Mr Stink demeaning and offensive?

The Sun. Is it true you have worms?

People of Britain.

Many of us, to quote the poet, "Live lives of quiet desperation,

"and go to our graves with the song still in us."

So try not to do that.

And to prevent it happening to others, look around you

and be generous and kind, although don't put people's clothes

in the washing machine without their permission.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a prime minister to meet.

Good day.

-Oh, that stinks!

-Could we go via the high street, please?

I thought we might find them here.

Chloe, this is a very serious moment. You have a choice.

You can shout something horrible and vengeful at Pippa,

or you can be the bigger person and reach out to her.

BOTH: Losers!

-Hello, mate.

-Good afternoon, Prime Minister.

-Call me Steve.

A Croom in Downing Street! Finally!

Get your hands out of your pockets, Chloe!

PIANO PLAYS BEAUTIFULLY

-I could use you.

-Use me?

Yep, use you. I mean "use" in a good way.

It's no secret, my approval rating is currently...

Very poor.

Quite poor, and...do you have to play that while I'm talking?

No.

HE PLAYS A LIVELY TUNE

And I can't afford to lose this by-election next week.

Well, Prime Minister, I'm no politician,

but there is a great deal I could help you with.

There is an urgent need for more shelters for the homeless like me.

Yep yep yep...

Does it do any tricks?

My team have come up with a campaign for you to spearhead.

You're going to love this - Hug a Homeless!

But not for too long, eh? Ha-ha!

Let's go.

What?

We have to be getting back to the real world.

But you're the funny old tramp. This would be great for me!

Prime Minister?

Shoot.

You can stick your job offer up your fat bum. Good day.

AIDE LAUGHS

You're fired.

Wet wipe. Wet wipe!

-I can't believe you told me to say that.

-I can't believe you said it!

THEY LAUGH

You know who I am, don't you, Miss Chloe?

Yeah. I saw some of your things when I washed your coat.

I'm sorry...

Lord Darlington.

I Googled you.

I don't know what that is, but it sounds painful.

A long time ago I had it all.

Money, fancy friends...

..a house with more wings than a bucket of KFG chicken.

KFC.

And a beautiful wife...

..my childhood sweetheart, Agatha.

Shortly after this photograph was taken she fell pregnant.

The baby was due around this time of year, actually.

But one night I left her on her own

so I could play cards with friends at my club.

When I finally returned home, Darlington House was on fire...

No!

A burning ember must have fallen out of the fireplace onto the carpet.

My poor Agatha...

It's OK.

It will never be OK.

It was an accident, you can't blame yourself.

But I do.

So how did you end up living on the streets?

After the funeral I just couldn't go back to the house.

I had to get away. I didn't know where to go.

So I just started to walk...

..and kept on walking.

Christmas must be the hardest time of year for you.

More for the Duchess, really.

She tends to drink heavily

and hide under a big pile of leaves until it's all over.

I know I'm not much fun to be around.

I wish I could make everything right.

You have, child.

Since you came to talk to me that day

I've been a hundred times happier.

Me too...

I want to go wandering with you.

Absolutely not. This is your home.

It's not my home, it's her home. I can't spend another night here.

-Are you quite sure?

-Yes.

Then I had better speak to your mother.

KNOCKING

Coming, Mr Stink.

You want to leave home?

I thought you wouldn't mind.

Wouldn't mind?!

Chloe, you are my daughter! I love you.

-Do you?

-Yes!

Mr Stink just... Can we call him something else, darling?

I don't know, like, Geoffrey?

Anyway, Geoffrey just gave me a very stern talking-to.

And I realise now how important family is.

I'm so sorry, Chloe. I hope you can forgive me.

Of course.

I love you too, Mum.

I've got a surprise for you! Cover your eyes.

Wow!

It's going to be all right, you know, Chloe.

This is going to be the best Christmas ever.

How'd you do that?

Why don't you go and offer our guest a drink?

You don't still believe homeless people

should be kept off the streets, do you, love?

-No, I don't.

-Good.

They should be kept in some sort of camp.

Unimaginable kindness.

So I said to the Prime Minister,

"You can stick your job offer up your fat..."

How old are you?

Nearly ten.

"..fat bum."

This is for you.

I read it. You have a real talent for writing, Chloe.

Thanks, Mum.

And this is for you, my darling.

A guitar! I love it!

I want to play it right now!

And this is for you.

Quantum physics!

Thank you, Mama!

Now, I fell in love with your father

when he was in the Serpents of Doom all those years ago.

I wanted him to get a proper job...

HE PLAYS GUITAR LOUDLY

..and got rid of his guitar!

And now you can hear why!

# Good King Wenceslas last looked out

# On the feast of Stephen

# When the snow lay round about Deep and crisp and even...#

LAUGHTER

Mr Stink!

The Duchess and I have decided to wander on.

But why? We all want you to stay.

My soul is restless.

-But it's so cold!

-Don't worry.

I prefer sleeping in the great outdoors.

On our wedding night, Agatha showed me the brightest star in the sky.

We stood out on our balcony and she said she would love me

for as long as that star kept shining.

So every night, as I go to sleep I gaze at the star,

and it is her I see.

You see that little star just beneath it?

Yes?

You are very special,

and so whenever I look at that star, I am going to think about you.

Thank you, Mr Stink.

I completely forgot!

I saved up all my loose change and I bought you this.

Happy Christmas.

It's the best present ever.

You can write your stories in it.

I haven't got anything for you.

You've given me more than enough, child. You've given me hope.

Goodbye, Miss Chloe.

Goodbye, Mr Stink.

Bye, Duchess.

'Mr Stink stank. He also stunk.

'He was the stinkiest stinker who ever lived.'