Antenatal 4 O'Clock Club

# Where do you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle?

# What do you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo

# You should stay It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line this time is sure to stop

# So the only time is now 4 o'clock

-# 4 o'clock, 4 o'clock, 4 o'clock.

-#

# Hey, hey, hey, have you heard?

-# Yeah, course we've heard

-The news of the summer

-# It's all around town

-Nero finally asked Clem out

-# And she said yes

-Oh my days

# This is so cool Is this actually real?

# Those two together

# Are the perfect couple

# In stormy weather

# They're the perfect couple

# Those two together

# Are the perfect couple

# In stormy weather

# They're the perfect couple

-# Yep

-Can't lie.

-It's true

-# He asked me out

-On the first day too

-# First day of holiday

-It was meant to be

# It's like she was meant for me

# Of course I said yes

# We fancied each other since her first day at school

# Cos she was perfect

# And all of summer we were side-by-side, holding hands

# Drinking tea enjoying the ride

-# Sure we had a few ups and downs

-But who doesn't?

-Small things

# Just a little difference in taste buds - she likes fruitcakes

-# Eurgh, is she a fruitcake?

-He likes cheesecakes

# Who puts cheese in a cake? Only weirdos called Nero

# You asked for flowers and I got daisies

-# I asked for flour

-No you asked for flowers

# We do think different ways yeah

-# So either...

-Do it my way or hit the highway

-# Of course we disagree at times

-Most times

-# Sometimes

-A lot of the time

-# Really?

-All in all we're perfect, right?

# Us two together are the perfect couple

-Really?

-# In stormy weather

# Are we the perfect couple?

# Flawless the best way to describe us

# I think the word perfect's just fine, bruv

# Who you calling bruv? I'm your girlfriend!

# It was a joke Don't let your whole world end

# She never listens or takes advice ever

# Why can't Nero see my way's better?

-# He's so stubborn

-Me stubborn?

-You're the one that don't listen

# Typical Always blame me in an argument

-# No, you always blame me in an argument

-No.

# And it's all over nothing

# Well, hey, at least we agree on one thing. #

Hey.

Hey, yourself.

Um...Nero! Clem!

I know you're very excited to see each other,

but let's keep our behaviour appropriate at all times.

Hmm? Set an example to our younger pupils.

Snog, snog, snog, snog, snog,

-snog, snog, snog, snog!

-THEY LAUGH

OK, babe, just you, me and the open road.

And all the other motorway users.

And you shouldn't call me babe - it's got sexist overtones.

I wasn't... I was...

..being cool?

Get out of my way or I'll crush you like a hedgehog!

HIS BRAKES SCREECH

Mr Nunn.

Graham.

How did that happen?

Really?

Well, when a man and a woman...

No, no, no, shut up, shut up.

OK. Er...

Here.

We're going to an antenatal class.

Mrs Goodman said that you and Mr Bell would cover our lessons.

-Thank you!

-What? No, you can't...

Oi, Preggers McGee, come back here! CAR HORN TOOTS

Eurgh! It's like that time in science class they showed us a video

of a lion eating one of them horse things.

-THE WOMAN GIGGLES

-We should go!

I know. I'm just waiting for Mr Bell to finish...

his goodbyes.

-That's what ladies like.

-THEY LAUGH

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Looking forward to tonight?

Are you joking me? I've been waiting for this all summer.

I can't believe Clero's finally a thing.

They're so cute!

Just like Romeo and Juliet.

You do know how that ends, right?

Well, he drinks poison and she, like, proper stabs herself.

Byesie byes, Pookie Dook!

Er... Byesie bye, Honeyboo.

See me by the benches, at break, with a present.

You, er... You betcha!

She didn't move to Croydon.

I saw her in Boots.

One thing led to another.

And now you're going out with a total and utter nightmare.

Tonight's going to be epic!

-All that lot are coming.

-Whoa.

Back up. You can't invite people round mine without asking.

What are you chatting about? We're going out tonight.

I posted that link.

-To the slam?

-Nah.

New series of East Coast Old School starts tonight -

-we're watching that.

-Newsflash, ball boy,

that ain't happening.

So romantic.

KIDS LAUGH AND CHATTER

All right, sit down and shut up!

So, static electricity.

Baker, why don't you explain to everyone how it works?

You what? You're the teacher!

-Wrong answer, detention.

-Ha-ha!

What? That's well unfair.

Maybe it'll teach your family not to get pregnant

and land me all their work, eh?

What are all those balloons for, sir?

Are we making balloon animals?

You rub them on your hair and stick them to the walls.

Absolute playtime subject.

Sir, I do know a bit about static.

-Too late.

-If you rub enough balloons on someone,

you can stick them to the ceiling.

Pull the other one! And have another detention for fibbing.

Amber's right, sir. Static's well powerful.

Like...

Lightning.

That's basically static.

Chinny reckon.

HE YELLS AND THE CHILDREN LAUGH

I'm not going to dump Katie!

-Why, cos you're scared of her?

-No!

Because... Look, I know I should have told you, but it was sudden.

She swept me off my feet, like a flood,

or a herd of angry yet affectionate cats.

All right? Coming to Clem's slam thingy tonight?

Yeah, definitely. Where are we actually going, though?

Don't know.

Who stays in to watch some stupid show about ancient rappers when they

-could go out?

-Er, me?

And you said you would, too. I asked you proper ages ago.

Typical!

I suppose you're all going to want to stay in with your little mate.

No. Nero's rapper show sounds yawns.

Yeah. Much rather go and have an amazing time at the slam.

Maybe someone should stay with him, though.

He looked sad.

Fine! Me and Eli will stay with Nero.

What?!

We're so late!

Come on, Dexter!

# Why is everything moving so slow?

# Feel like a sloth in quicksand Just want to go

# Get things started

# Now the pressure's on I only found out I was pregnant

# At five months' gone!

# Feel like I'm in a race where I've lost all pace

# And been overtaken by better mums and dads

# This antenatal class means a lot to me

# I want to raise our baby properly

# Have more babies Dexter and I can tie the knot

# Buy a mansion in the countryside Why not?

# But before that we need to do this class

# And we're late Why?

# Cos of this awful car that moves at the speed of a snail

# Feeling drowsy It's so slow it's making me grouchy

# It's all happening so fast

# Feel like I'm on a rollercoaster baby train that's going to blast!

-# So fast

-So slow

-# Hurry up, Dexter

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-# I need a chance to breathe

-No, no, no!

-# It's all so fast

-It's all so slow

# Firstly she thought she had heartburn false alarm

# Turned out she was pregnant Stay calm, Dexter!

# Next thing we've moving in together, buying baby clothes

# Zero to nine month sweaters

# Since they grow every day yesterday's stuff won't fit

# It's all happening so quick

# No time for anything

# So fast no time to blink

# Or better still just stop and think

-# So fast

-So slow

-# Hurry up, Dexter

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-# I need a chance to breathe

-No, no, no!

-# It's all so fast

-It's all so slow. #

-Let's stay here tonight.

-What?

We could do the class, stay over, have dinner, talk about the baby.

Just the two of us?

Yeah. Work out how it's going to be when it's just the three of us.

That'd be lovely.

Yeah, well, it's pants.

-What's pants?

-Staying in with you instead of going somewhere

mysterious and cool with Clem, no offence.

Look, I feel your pain.

You and Clem are struggling while your mate's in a functional relationship.

Who's in a functional relationship?

He means him and Katie the Klingon.

You're thinking, "Even if I get through this fight,

"the next one's already darkening the horizon.

"Where's the love gone?

"Why do I even bother?"

OK, look, look,

thank you for cheering me up, mate.

But seriously, thank you for staying in with me.

It won't be pants, I promise.

I've got crisps! I do.

Fine, I'll come.

What?

OK, I'll come to yours tonight.

Pooks! Hair.

Just chillaxing all summer long with my 27-year-old Australian

girlfriend Anastasia - who does yoga.

HE CHUCKLES

Oh! Graham.

Successful science class?

Yeah, easy. Electrocuted a couple.

The rest fell in line pretty quick. SHE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

I'm sure you didn't actually electrocute...

Powerful stuff, static.

You know, you can stick someone to the ceiling with it.

THE TEACHERS LAUGH

The kids told me.

Oh, dear, Graham.

I suspect a little start-of-term mischief.

Taking you for a fool.

Or a drongo, as my Australian girlfriend would say.

Hey! Have I told you?

She's 27.

"Planning a sick night out with my mates."

Hashtag "one to remember".

What kind of status update is that?

A completely normal one?

Stupid slam -

-whatever that is.

-£1.20?

Does that look like £1.20's worth of beans to you?

Yeah, the Terminator over there can't come tonight.

You have to get rid of her.

Look, you'll understand when you get a girlfriend.

-It's just...

-No, I won't, because I'll get a nice one.

So just say she can't come.

-What did you say?

-Er...

You know, what...he meant was that you can totally come round mine tonight.

Just, I'm not your favourite person, am I?

What was it you put on Facebook?

I'm an awful, lying, shallow, disgusting love rat.

Something like that, right?

That's true.

I don't want to come anymore.

Oh, well, you know what?

Why don't you go out with Clem and the girls instead?

-It's a great idea.

-Yeah, it is.

I can find out if any of them fancy you.

They try anything, they won't know what hit them.

Newsflash! It'll be me.

See how much Clem likes her night out now, hey?

PHONE RINGS

Hey, Dex.

-What's up?

-'Hey, Nero.'

Just letting you know, Lizzie and I have decided to stay here

-for the night.

-OK.

-'Is that OK?'

-I guess.

'So we'll see you tomorrow, yeah?'

Yeah. Bye.

Mate, you OK?

Dex ain't coming home tonight.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

Bro, par-tay!

OK.

Stuff science, this is a proper lesson.

Don't ever lie to Mr Nunn.

But we didn't lie, sir.

What is that stink?

Where did we run again? Oh, yeah, that's right -

the organic pig farm.

THEY GAG

I want those as fresh as a daisy by the end of the day -

or else.

Oh, my days!

You're more tragic than Hayes after he did

that home permanent and it went wrong and all the hair come out.

Like, actually too tragic to function.

Losers.

We're going to die of smell.

Chill. I'll get us out of this.

I'm all ears.

Um!

Are you photocopying your bum again?

No!

Oh, yeah.

Probably best you don't see.

It's too beautiful for human eyes.

Is this meant to be a picture of you stuck to the ceiling?

-Yeah.

-We're trying to convince Nunn that she did it

using static electricity.

There's no way that you could stick a teenager to the ceiling without

an industrial strength adhesive.

But, apart from that, it's brilliant!

Thanks!

What's happened? Ding Dong ain't been snogging again, has he?

Katie's coming...

..to the slam.

And if anyone makes a move on my Boo while we're there,

they'll be getting slammed, too.

Laters!

She's awful! Can't she go be awful around Owen?

Seriously, what is a slam?

A poetry reading.

-A what now?

-A poetry reading.

Classics, new work, bit of improv,

-you know?

-No, we really did not know that.

P-p-party!

Party, party, party, party!

KIDS CHEER

Oh, we didn't get an invite.

Yeah, well, you've got somewhere else to be tonight, ain't you?

Oh, hey...

Have you seen Katie?

-You...

-Oh?

So what?

Katie's coming.

We're still going to hear some sick poetry.

Whoa.

Gutted to be missing that!

And rest.

Sorry we're late, we just...

Be at peace. All you've missed is some breathing.

There's another couple late, too.

If they arrive, you can pair up.

I'm not shouting, I'm talking in CapsLock.

It just sounds like you're shouting, that's all.

-Ash Newman, you are well embarrassing.

-You always do this.

Hey, sir. Hiya.

Oi, Miss, you're pregnant.

We're bump buddies.

As if!

As you can see, sir, it is clearly in no way hurriedly photo-shopped.

It's proof we're not lying to you, sir.

Wow. This is very convincing.

I take back your punishment.

-Really?

-No!

It's obviously a fake.

-HE GAGS

-It's more boots.

That'll teach you to carry on lying instead of 'fessing up

and taking your punishment like men.

Laters.

OK. The way I see it, we've only got one option.

Knuckle down and do the punishment.

No. We're actually going to have to stick someone to the ceiling.

There is a biscuit fairy!

Leather, boiler suit, super strong industrial strength glue.

You know, we could have just asked to borrow all this stuff.

Less skulking about.

And I could have ate them biscuits.

It's time to get down to business,

or shall I say up?

Oh, it's hardly the ceiling, is it?

Didn't have enough balloons, sir.

The ceiling's actually really high...

and someone got chicken.

Still ten-foot up, sir,

held here solely by the power of static electric.

And not glue.

All right, fine. You can leave the boots.

Result! Told you it'd work.

Fancy a chocolate bar from the machine?

May as well. Nothing more we can do here.

Hey! Hey!

Where are you going? Guys!

Help!

I'm glued to the wall here!

Er...

Detention.

Like, how am I supposed to do my toes with this big hump in the way?

Like, do I just not do them? Is that fair to anyone?

-I'm sorry, we've rather overrun.

-And nappies, like, really?

Only in white? Where are all the good colours?

Like magenta, or, like, passion fruit?

Well, everyone's missed out on learning something,

what with all the time spent talking about stretchmarks

being against your human rights.

Good luck, everyone! Blessings.

So lovely to see you again.

Do let us know how you get on.

You bet, sir. You, too.

Well, we'll let you go.

Got to get this one some food.

No way! Are you staying here too, sir?

So are we!

You are?

His parents paid for us to have a night away.

Let's go eat some pickles!

We're lucky men, aren't we, sir?

Lucky, lucky men.

-Brace yourself.

-Look, Clem said this was going to be cool.

She's cool.

Maybe it'll be cool.

The pain of love lost is nothing to the pain of living with not one,

but two...

..bunions.

Yes, bunions.

Blisters and corns are bad, but fade one day.

MUSIC PLAYS

-How cool is this party?

-I know,

I just beat those year 12 girls at Connect Four.

-They said I was cute.

-Shame you've got a girlfriend.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, look,

I'm going out with Katie now and we're all just going to have to

-accept that, OK?

-No.

You're seriously telling me that you're missing Katie tonight?

Yes! Yes, yes.

Then why can't you make eye contact when you say it?

Where's Nero, anyway?

He must be very pleased with how his party's going.

Don't know.

I love this tune!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

# This is a perfect night written all over it

# Everybody dancing laughing over here

# That's the kind of party that you won't forget

# I guarantee Clem's night it won't compare

# Be a legend in school for the whole of the year

# All the kids I been rolling here so why do I feel so weird?

# Am I scared Dex will appear? Nah

# I tell you what's got me here To tell the truth I'm missing Clem

# And I feel like a F-O-O-L

# Why was I mean to her for no real reason?

# But to boost myself up Being together's about compromise

# Didn't do that Should I beat myself up?

# No but I've got to apologise

# Could have watched my programme on catch-up

# Instead I chose to leave Clem stitched up

# Would she have done the same to me?

# Why can't we just keep the peace?

# Yeah, this is the perfect hype Recipe for the perfect night

# It should have been a perfect night

# It could have been perfect, right?

# Brought my mates to a lame night Not right

# Not like me to be such a tragedy

# Poetry in motion Thought it'd be super cool

# But this night is bogus so hide the real truth

# Now I feel the fool

# What makes it worse Nero isn't here to make me laugh

# And even though he makes me angry

# Like the stunt he pulled on me with Katie

# Why? So stubborn

# But I guess that's true on both sides

# Being together's about compromise

# I could have watched his show but didn't

# I should apologise

# Yeah, this is a perfect hype

# Recipe for the perfect night

# It should have been a perfect night

# It could have been perfect, right?

# This is the perfect hype

# Recipe for the perfect night

# It should have been the perfect night

# It could have been perfect, right? #

I am no athlete, yet look at my feet.

Anyone fancy heading to Nero's party?

Yes, you sir, Mr Veruca...

You and your angry...

Sorry. If it makes you feel any better,

I didn't think you were that rubbish.

MUSIC: Hold My Hand by Jess Glynne

THEY CHEER

Oh, my, this party is doing my head in.

-What?

-Thought we could check out Clem's poetry slam.

It can't be worse than this. I'll go get our coats, yeah?

Seriously? What?!

My fiancee will have the baked trout,

but not one that's made of fish, the one that's made of chicken.

I don't want no fuss about how you've got nothing in.

I know these nobby places always keep some spare in case some

fish allergic posho rocks up.

And I'll have the chocolate ice cream for all courses.

Just agree with them and get out while you can.

Come on, Ashley. I ain't getting stuck and spending another hour

in the loo reading bleach bottles like last time.

What is she like?

Well, I'd say she's like all my worst nightmares rolled into one.

Yeah. Even worse than the one I had about having toes for teeth.

Shush!

-Hurry up!

-Shush, she'll hear us!

I'm sorry about the class.

I know you're worried about being a terrible parent,

so am I, but we're not going to be.

Even those two, even they'll probably be OK.

But us? We're sensible, we love our kid already.

We know that trout is made from fish.

We're definitely going to be OK.

Now get in, quietly.

The party of a lifetime

and we just told people to go home like it was nothing.

Oh, what? We just missed one!

THEY GIGGLE

Hi.

And then this woman...

..started talking about her foot operation.

Well, Nero's party was epic.

Would have been better if you'd been there, then we could have stayed.

That party didn't need to die!

We must never be apart again!

Bring it in, people.

Oh.

-Look, I'm sorry, yeah?

-For what?

Being a total Gollum all day, or landing me with Katie tonight?

Yeah. Yeah, both, OK?

Good.

I'm sorry, too.

So, Katie and Roggle, hey?

Yeah. Wow.

Guess you can never tell who's going to make you happy.

You know how I think I'm always...?

-I know I can be stubborn sometimes...

-Right.

You ever wonder if we're just a bit too similar?

Yeah, that's probably why we fight, isn't it?

Ever wonder if maybe we're better off just as friends?

So...friends, then?

Yeah, OK, friends.

Wouldn't swap my bed for all the luxury hotels in the world

right now.

Just want to put my feet up and watch Don't Tell The Bride.

What the...?

THEY LAUGH

-You know how I said we should never be apart again?

-Yup.

I was wrong.

You're on your own with this one, son!

# Can't live with 'em

# And you can't kick 'em out

# When they're up they rub it in your face

-# Kick you when you're down

-But what no-one understands them

-# You know what they're on about

-Always gonna be around

# Gotta find a common ground

# If you know so much about me

# Where do I go from here?

# If you see 'em every day

# You can never get away

# Only time that you're the boss? 4 o'clock. #