Episode 20 Da Dick and Dom Dairies

Ah, hello, we're Dick and Dom.

What is it?

Do you remember this?

-Dance, yeah!

-Dance, dance, dance, dance, dance!

-Ah, our very first bit of muck on the bungalow.

-I know.

Who would have thought that it would have grown up into this?

SCREAMING AND SHOUTING

I'm so proud, I'm almost welling up.

Hmmm.

For old times' sake?

Why not?

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Ugh!

LAUGHTER

'And so, for the final time, once again Dick and Dom

'strike another blow for quality children's television.'

# These are the diaries of Dick and Dom

# They have a bungalow and you can come along

# To play the maddest games you've ever seen

# And meet oddballs in-between

-# Da Diaries of Dick and Dom

-In Da Bungalow

-# Da Diaries of Dick and Dom

-In Da Bungalow

# The Prize Idiot and the neighbour's cat

# Melvin Odoom and DI Harry Batt

# Creamy Muck Muck, Dirty Norris and mushy peas

# And don't forget bogies!

-# Da Diaries of Dick and Dom

-In Da Bungalow

-# Da Diaries of Dick and Dom

-In Da Bungalow

-# Da Diaries of Dick and Dom

-In Da Bungalow

-# Da Diaries of Dick and Dom

-In Da Bungalow. #

# Memory, turn your face to the moonlight... #

'The following stuff and nonsense from Dick And Dom In Da Bungalow

'was first shown live between 2002 and 2006. Enjoy.'

-# Da Diaries of Dick and Dom

-In Da Bungalow. #

# It's a high-powered game of strategy

# Just guess what's in the box and you will see

# The best games from Da Bungalow

# But if you're wrong It'll be the end of the show

Oh, hello, hello, hello and welcome to the final round

of Game Or No Game.

After all these weeks of mind-bending strategy,

it comes down to a simple game of chance.

It quite literally is Game Or No Game.

You could eat the tension with a fork.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello?

Yeah, well, it's not easy building up this nonsense day in, day out.

You've ruined the atmosphere. I hope you're ashamed.

So, let's play Game Or No Game.

Choose a box.

OK, demonstrating you want to choose this box.

Now, if that is the box you want to choose

and you don't want to swap it to this box, or swap this box for that box,

or swap them in any other configuration,

and you have indeed made the choice

and that you can't be choosy about the choice chosen,

then this is your choice.

If this box contains Fairly Hairy Superstars,

then this game has gone as far as it can go.

But whatever happens, it's the best game we've ever played.

Let's take a look.

CROWD CHEERS And it is indeed

Fairly Hairy Superstars. That is absolutely excellent.

All that remains to do now is play the game

and this is me, Little Noely, saying goodbye.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello?

And the banker's saying goodbye too. Goodbye!

TO BANKER: Listen, about earlier. Yeah, I didn't mean it.

Do you still love me?

Of course I love you.

Well, it's Love Or No Love, isn't it?

# Fairly Hairy Superstars

# Is the name of the game

# Choose your favourite famous person from the Hall Of Fame

# They might be prima donnas but they'll stand for any grief

# Just slap on loads of hair and shove in a pair of goofy teeth. #

-Which famous person would you like to make hairy?

-Britney Spears.

Oh, we like to make dreams come true in the Bungalow,

please welcome Britney Spears!

CHEERING

You thought we had no celebrities, didn't you?

Chris, who did you say, mate?

-David Beckham.

-David Beckham.

We like to make dreams come true, please welcome David Beckham.

CHEERING

It's actually David Beckham.

-Kylie Minogue.

-She likes Kylie Minogue, there you are.

-There she is, look at that!

-CHEERING

You can't get her out of your head, you certainly can't.

-Del Boy.

-Del Boy!

This is who he wanted to make hairy.

-Who would you like?

-Prince William.

Prince William, fresh off the ski slopes, there he is.

APPLAUSE

-Who did you choose, love?

-You.

-Me? Ah!

Excellent! And here he is.

-She said she chose me but I know...

-DOORBELL

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

It's me! Look everyone, it's me!

-Hello, mate.

-It's our old mate, Stevie Wilson.

No, it's not, it's Dick.

Right, so yeah, so Sophie you wanted to hair up me.

OK, OK, here are the rules, very quickly.

You've got 45 seconds to get the Dirty Norris,

smear it all over your celebrity.

Then get hair, stick it all over your celebrity as well

and the one who's ended up with the hairiest showbiz celebrity

-will be the winner of the...

-180 Bungalow Points!

180 Bungalow Points!

Make sure you get Dick nice and hairy and your time starts now!

Well, at least it's not me...

Oh, no! Get your celebrities all... get them all...

Wipe it all over them, all over their faces,

all over their heads.

It doesn't matter if they were looking nice.

That's it, all over them, boys.

Goofy teeth and hair as well.

Go on, that's it.

Really hairy and really, really chocolaty.

That's what they like.

I can't believe I am here.

I am playing the game...

Come on, Chris!

..talking to you, I'm here and there.

Look, Britney needs a bit more chocolate. Go on.

Bit of Dirty Norris?

Dick, you're looking a bit hairy, mate.

7...6...5...

4...3...2...1

Stop!

'Stop! Stop! Stop!'

OK, firstly, we're starting off with Ashley here.

Ashley wanted Britney Spears.

Here's Britney. Britney, how's it going?

Oops! I'm hairy again. LAUGHTER

Very good.

Chris, how about David Beckham?

I think I need a haircut. LAUGHTER

Nicole and Kylie.

I should be so hairy. LAUGHTER

You should be so hairy.

Mickey and Del Boy.

This time next year, Rodney,

we'll be million-hairs. LAUGHTER

Hairs. Million-hairs. Very good.

And Prince William over here.

I'm hair to the throne. LAUGHTER

-And last, but not least, Dick!

-Dicky doo-dah.

I'm a hairy little monkey.

Look at me! LAUGHTER

-Brilliant!

-Brilliant.

So let's choose who's going to be the winner.

I think it's got be...

Uh...

-Kylie!

-APPLAUSE

Hairy little Kylie.

# Sometimes it went marvellously

# And often it was fab

# But there were those occasions... #

Hi, Melvin Odoom at your service

Now, as you all know, in times of crisis

I call on the power of the dance but as it's the last show

I'm going to leave you with the joy of the dance.

Take care of yourselves and each other.

Do you know who I am?

I am a dancer.

LAUGHTER

Hey, sarcastic kid, come up here. What do you think about that?

It's really, really rubbish.

No, it's not rubbish, it's good - sarcastically.

No, no, it IS rubbish...

Come, dance with me!

Dance with him!

Let the music take you.

Yes! Yes!

Dance with the peas.

You cannot defeat me!

Turn him into a monster, everyone. Come on! Right now!

# He's a cat in a flap

# It's a matter of fact that he like a good chat

# All about this and that

# He's a Bungalow star and he's sure travelled far

# So there's no turning back from the cat flap. #

# A-doo-doo-doo

# A-doo-de-doo. #

Ah, hello, everyone.

As it's the last show of the series, I just wanted to say bye-bye!

Oh, oh yeah! And leave you with a moment on the show

that means so much to me. My tribute to Stoke-on-Trent.

Ha-ha-ha! Take care of one another and each...of your...every...

..everyone...oh, I don't know. Here's Stoke-on-Trent.

CHEERING Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Pussy cat, pussy cat, where have you been?

I've been all over this week, eh, but you know,

my favourite place I've been to...

# Stoke-on-Trent, oh yeah!

# To Stoke-on-Trent

# Historic town on the River Trent

# It's a vibrant mix of the great and the good

# Like Reginald "Spitfire" Mitchell

# And Josiah Wedgwood

# Come and lose yourself

# In the Potteries Shopping Centre

# Why not try a Staffordshire oatcake?

# It's a culinary adventure

# Come to Stoke-on-Trent

# And see just what is meant

# By the welcome phrase

# Of "Ay up, duck!" You're in Stoke-on-Trent. #

My work here is done.

APPLAUSE

# This is the part of the show

# With all the bits outside the Bungalow

# We tease the public with a joke or a trick

# Like Eeny-Meeny, Dirty Days and Spotted Dick

# We met the nation as we travelled up and down

# So, grab your coat for...#

-We're here...

-Thank you!

-..in Harrogate.

-And for the last time, we've got to stick stickers

of increasing sizes onto members of the public's backs!

And for the last time ever, if we get caught,

we lose for the last time ever.

So, for the last time ever... let's play it.

So, for the last time ever, here we go.

Lay one. Lay two.

Lay-on-lay.

And that's three,

makes it lay-on-lay-on-lay.

Quad from McCourt.

Oh! Getting a bit slipshod there, a little complacency creeping in

but he gets what he was after.

Good start.

Eh?

Wood, on a mission.

-Can we?

-No.

Well he asks "Can we?" Someone's saying "No," but he says "Yes!"

And he's enjoyed nice adhesion there.

Come here, come here!

-What...

-DICK LAUGHS

McCourt now, obviously he can't win the series

but he's laying for pride.

And that's where he's laid best this season, on the hat.

How are you?

Do you want the all day breakfasts?

And that's a bar-raiser from Wood, going straight in for a big stick.

But McCourt's having none of it!

Look at the size of that!

..You've plenty of choice there then, haven't you?

Well, whatever you eat, enjoy it!

Make sure you have a smile on your face.

And a smile on your back. Ha-ha-ha.

These two great ambassadors of the game, relishing the challenge...

Oh my word! Look at the size of those. They are phenomenal!

In all my years of covering this sport,

I have never seen such audacity as this.

That is the level that these two men are prepared to lay at.

So, Wood...lines himself up for what could be

a very, very sticky situation.

Certainly, for that lady.

It's a massive challenge and a tall order.

That sticker is bigger than he is but then again most things are.

What kind of flowers are they? Tell the camera.

Tell the camera what kind of flowers they are.

-Oh, are they Chinese cabbages?

-Yes.

-Oh, are they? Are they real?

-And orchids. No you can't eat them.

You can't boil them up for your Sunday dinner?

Wood, positions himself.

..Saturday morning, yeah.

-It's my birthday tomorrow.

-Is it your birthday?

-Happy Birthday!

-Oh, Happy Birthday!

-He's attempting adhesion...

-70!?

..without being noticed.

Have a look at her flowers, Dom.

Has he done it?

-Get it off!

-What? No!

Oh, "Get it off," she says. It's a rumbling!

-He hasn't done it.

-You caught me out.

So, McCourt takes the final game of the season.

It's over.

It's over indeed. I hope you've enjoyed the laying as much as I have.

So this is Alan Sanchez signing off, wishing you

a Rom Pom Stick wherever you are.

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER AND WHISTLING

I dunno what's going on, but I like it!

Nobody move!

# Bursting on the scene with a "Nobody move!"

# He's a Geordie cop with a case to prove

# So gangsters, burglars and cheeky juveniles

# He'll get you bang to rights then slap you in the... #

-THUD!

-Ooh-yah!

Typical. To the last cheer,

then they've gone and reinforced the Jeff-ing door.

Wow. Oh, yeah! Detective Inspector Harry Butt, here.

Ah!

And this is the last show,

so, I thought I'd leave you

with an example of police interviewing at its very best.

Roll the tape!

POLICE SIREN WAILS

RETRO COP SHOW MUSIC

-BALLAD MUSIC PLAYS

-It's a mystery to me.

The game commences

for the usual fee.

Plus expenses.

Confidential information.

It's in a diary.

This is my investigation.

It's not a public Inquiry.

BALLAD MUSIC CONTINUES

I go checking out the reports.

Diggin' up the dirt.

You get to meet all sorts

in this line of work.

Treachery and treason.

Pfft! There's always an excuse for it.

And when I find the reason...

..I still cannae get used to it.

CLICKS OFF TAPE PLAYER

Sorry! I must've pressed play by mistake. Right!

Well, I think that moment speaks for itself.

So, this is me, Detective Inspector Harry Batt,

signing off and saying

mind how you go.

And don't have nightmares - oooh!

You Prize Idiot!

Oh, you Harry Batt!

# Here's the pick of the show and a long-running blow

# To the hoity-toity folk who don't enjoy a joke

# If you've got a heart condition or a nervous disposition

# Go and buy some earplugs and call a good physician

# Cos we're gonna shout Bogies!

# Till we're banned from every building in the world. #

Ooh...

Oh, sorry! I was just catching some sun.

We're here for the final of Bogies at Trafalgar Square.

There's the Bogey-ometer to find out who it's going to be.

So, shall we climb a column and shout Bogies?

-I beg your pardon?

-Let's do it.

'Here, at Trafalgar Square,

'the scene of this year's grand final.'

-Bogies!

-'Both players very nervous.

'There's a 3.5 from Wood.

'McCourt.'

Bogies!

'Beautifully played - that's a 3.9.

'His work done.'

What you taking photos for?

'Some of the crowd, there,

'making the most of the opportunity

'to snap these fine athletes.'

-Bogies!

-'Wood with a 5.2!'

-Nelson is up there.

-In his column?

'McCourt showing off his encyclopaedic knowledge of...'

-Bogies!

-'..British public art and hitting a 6.2 on the Snot-ometer,

'much to the delight of the crowd

'specially gathered here today for this grand final.'

Bogies!

'And they'll be in no way disappointed

'by that tremendous thrust from Wood.

'6.5. Nervous giggling from McCourt.'

-..ies!

-'And Wood goads him...'

-..ies!

-'..with his ies.

'Tremendous.

-'Really sense the...'

-Bogies!

'..rivalry between these two. That's a 7.0!

'Has Wood met his Waterloo?'

Bogies!

'Oh, kiss me, Woody! 7.2 over the shoulder!

-'And it's ample.'

-BOGIES!

'McCourt angrily growls out an 8.5.

'A collection of Wood supporters, there, beginning to get the fear.

'Now, what does Wood have in response?

'..The atmosphere is electric.'

BOGIES!

'8.7 with a little twirly bit on the end.

'Shock and awe tactics...

'..by Wood.'

-BOGIES!

-'Eliciting a huge response from McCourt.

'8.9. Now, Wood. The gloves are off.'

HE WHIMPERS 'And so are the shoes and socks

'as he gets into the water...

'..for reasons best known to himself.

'What's he got?'

BOGIES!!!

'He's got a 9.1 - the crowd are delighted,

'he's pleased, but he's paying the ultimate price now...'

-You're an animal.

-'..in terms of freezing cold feet.'

-Right.

'Of course, Wood knows this means war.

'McCourt intending to fight to the last for this title.

'9.1 to beat.'

BOOOOOO-GIES!!!

'He's done it! It's a 9.2.

'A fantastic Bogey under intense pressure.

'And the crowd are joining in! They're whipped up into a frenzy!

-BOOOOO-GIES!!!

-'And Wood hits back hitting a 9.3!

CROWD SHOUT "BOGIES" 'The crowd aren't taking it lying down.

'They get a 9.5 - it's Dick and Dom versus the crowd!

-'What's McCourt got?'

-BOOOOOOOOO-GIES!!!

'He's got a 9.7 and a pounding headache.

CROWD SHOUT "BOGIES" 'But the crowd, with a perfect 9.9 - the boys concede.

'It's the winning Bogey from the crowd!'

The real winners of Bogies are you horrible lot.

ALL: Bogies!

-Bogies!

-Bogies!

MANIC LAUGHTER

Can you take any more of this?

When you've had enough, just ring the door bell.

MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

DOOR BELL RINGS

Someone at the door. Who could it be?

-No one.

-Nobody. Lovely.

That's ended that, anyway.

All right?

Anything to say?

I love it! LAUGHTER

Bit more.

I just simply love it!

MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH

-HE GRUNTS

-Right!

So, that's it. The end of the Dairy.

We've played some games.

'Ping Pong Poodle all the way over the line. Takes it -

'Ping Pong Poodle takes it!'

We danced about a bit.

We had a laugh. Or two!

HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER

And we had some good clean fun.

THEY SCREAM

We could say more, but we wrote it all down in a song just for us.

-Just for you.

-Just for you.

So, until next time, take care of your others.

And each of yourselves.

-Toodle-pip.

-Toodle-pip.

< Thank you. Cut there.

Actually, can we do it one more time?

I think...did you say "Dairy"?

Dairy?

What?

THEY ALL CHEER

-Hold on a minute, what's happening?

-It's gonna explode!

We love you, everybody!

-Goodbye!

-Aargh!

Is that it?

Everybody, it's gonna be all right!

THEY CHEER

MUSIC: "The Ace of Spades" by Motorhead

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]